


driven

by redbullmocktails



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Star Wars: The Last Jedi - Fandom, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker
Genre: Alternate Universe - Car Racing, Alternate Universe - Formula One, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Alternate Universe - Racing, Angst and Drama, Angst with a Happy Ending, Author also likes to put too much F1 into fanfic, Author likes too much philosophy shit, Enemies to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers (kinda?), F/M, Hate to Love, Mutual Pining, Pining, Psychological Drama, Psychological Trauma, Psychological drama drama drama, Repressed Memories, Reylo - Freeform, Sexual Tension, Skywalker Family Drama, Slow Burn, Unresolved Sexual Tension, fairytales - Freeform, oneirism, skywalkers are f1 legends
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:55:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 171,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22668160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redbullmocktails/pseuds/redbullmocktails
Summary: Rey Király had one dream since she was a child; follow the footsteps of her adopted father and aunt, Luke Skywalker and Leia Organa, legends of Formula 1. After years of sacrifice, hard training and racing and winning the title of Formula 2 champion, Rey fulfills her dream; she becomes the second driver of Skywalker Ferrari and is determined to prove that she deserves her place in a male–dominated world.Ben Solo, son of Leia and Han Solo, now known as Kylo Ren, shares not only Rey's love for F1, but also deep hatred for her that had its origins on the karting track when they were both children. Kylo never forgave Rey for beating him consistently and Rey avoided the arrogant "cousin" like fire. Now, when they meet after years as rivals on the track, the old disagreements are back, as are the feelings...
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 272
Kudos: 161





	1. Prologue: The Past

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone here who clicked this absolute shitshow I started. Let's hope I will really freaking finish it so please, bear with me. If you want to send me death threats, because it will seem I am not about to finish this damn fic, yes, please do it. I really want to finally write a fanfic and FINISH IT.
> 
> So, yes. I love Reylo and I am like HUGE F1 fan. And I noticed lack of F1 fanfiction in Reylo tag and I just felt maybe I should fill that gap. Anyway, I will try to be as correct with F1 stuff as I can, although I am no expert, but also some stuff will be... hymm... overdramatic, but it's a fanfic. We all love drama and we all love Reylo and we are drama-sloths and really if you don't watch F1 that series are absolute shit show of drama and clownery (mainly provided by Scuderia Ferrari).
> 
> I just want to tell you that I write everything firstly in Polish then I translate it to English, so nope, English's not my first language, sorry. If you see a mistake, I'm sorry. Really. 
> 
> About updates, I think once a month would be most optimal, but it's all about if this lazy ass (me) will be strong enough to finish it. I hope so. Keep your fingers crossed. First chapter is really a prologue, Ben is about 11 years old, Rey 8, when Poe is 10. The next chapter will take place 15 years later, when Rey is offered the seat in Skywalker team alongside Poe, meanwhile Ben (now Kylo) is already driving for Mercedes FO (First Order).
> 
> So, let's start ;)

__

> _Being second is to be the first of the ones who lose._
> 
> \- Ayrton Senna

The sky was white, too white. However, when he looked more closely and squinted his eyes, there were streaks of gray clouds, from which less than an hour ago it rained. Rainfall didn't only interrupted the first training session before, but also tinted the dark blue asphalt surface with shiny black and brightened the red and white curbs of the Clay Pigeon track. Although July has just begun, Ben Solo has long since realized that England was just as rainy and bland, more rainy and even more bland than he had imagined.

Ben grew up in sunny Texas for as long as he could remember, in the smell of gasoline and burnt rubber. To say that he was sitting in the garage with his father since childhood was an understatement. However, the older he was, the more he realized that he didn’t see his parents more than he saw them.

He was maybe four years old when he remembered how his parents had tried to explain to him that they would have to leave Texas and move overseas. Because it will be better and his mother will not have to choose between work and family.

Even so, his mother disappeared for weeks, and his father disappeared with her; Ben was often alone with Uncle Luke.

It was from him that Ben earned the truth.

Uncle Luke himself was a driver. Not just any, because not a truck, not a bus, not a train, but a _racing_ driver. And not just any; he was a F1 driver. Ben, stunned, looked at all the trophies that his uncle had kept in display cases, at his helmets, old suits, photos of triumphs over his rivals.

And one of his rivals, as it turned out, was his sister, Ben's mother.

‘Your mother was the first woman to achieve such success in Formula 1,’ his uncle explained to him. ‘Until today there was no girl who had such talent as her.’

Uncle Luke was guarding him at a time when his mother traveled the world, but not as a driver, but as a technical director of the team co-founded by his uncle. Ben himself, sometimes, was taken by his parents to the grand prix, but it was so rare and sporadic that Ben got to know the world of Formula 1, the world of his mother and uncle, only from the silver screen and the stories of his mother's brother.

‘Understand’ uncle Luke explained to him. ‘Leia and Han don't want you to be in this world. It's a terrible place, lots of politics, less prosecution and huge money. They want you to have a normal childhood.’

‘I want to be a driver’ Ben told him a few days later.

He already had his go-kart, he had already ridden in his past life, a dream of a past home, but he never thought of becoming one of those masked speed heroes who balanced on the brink of life and death when they daringly overtook their rivals.

Uncle Luke was a demanding, strict, nevertheless a good teacher. Ben was his only student, but he leart a lot from the drivers themselves, their maneuvers observed from telly, as well as the old cassettes with his mother's races. He was a talented student, but he also had natural talent. Ben liked to eavesdrop at nights when his uncle praised his progress, because through the eyes of his imagination he already saw himself winning the next race and becoming the world champion.

Little Ben's life was peaceful. He did not feel lonely, because even if he tried to understand why most of the time he was under the care of his uncle and waited for the time when he would be able to take part in the first races. However, this idyll, or rather monotonous routine of the boy's life, was one day disturbed.

Ben was no longer the only child in the Skywalker family.

He was six years old when the accident of Kes Dameron, a Guatemalan driver and a close friend of his mother happened. Kes was also a single father; his wife died giving birth to their only son, Poe. The accident took place at Nürburgring, in The Green Hell, in the same place where in 1976 Nikki Lauda almost died, burnt in The Green Hell’s flames.

However, Kes Dameron died just a few hours later. Ben was shocked, but fascinated by the whole dynamics of the accident, perhaps he was too small to understand the macabre accompanying it, but uncle Luke wasn’t; the man immediately turned off the television and told his nephew to wait.

A few days later, the driver's funeral took place. Hundreds of people, other drivers, and important personalities from the world of motorsport arrived. Ben didn’t squeeze his mother's hand because he felt big enough, but he remembered the strange cold spasm in his stomach when his mother knelt down and hugged another boy.

Poe got a room next to him in his uncle's house and after a few months Ben realized that Kes Dameron’s son wouldn’t leave.

Only after the next few weeks a new family member appeared in the uncle's house.

He wasn't a boy like Poe. In fact, Ben was shocked, when from the top balustrade he watched Uncle Luke kneel before a little girl, at most five years old with three hairbuns, and wipes her tears. He spoke to her quietly, with some softness that was lacking when he spoke to Ben.

Reymont "Rey" Király was, like Poe, an orphan. Ben watched with even greater shock like a girl - which her uncle officially adopted, probably from Eastern Europe, from Poland or Hungary, doesn’t understand a word when he tried to talk to her in English. In general, she avoided him, but he could sense her hazel eyes and that look, unlike Poe, did not irritate him so much.

Uncle Luke already had three students. Of course, for the holidays and winter breaks, when Leia Organa had time, she took "her" children with her. Over time, Poe and Ben began to participate in go-kart races, and as they were almost the same age, they quickly became rivals on the track.

Ben quickly realized that Poe was a tough opponent as he had a natural talent, perhaps greater than Ben. They were both children of drivers; their rivalry became more and more fierce and began to penetrate even to the lives of young boys off track.

Ben suspected that maybe he wouldn’t have such aversion to "brother", if not for Poe’s doing everything to just get everyone's attention: his father, mother, Luke, and above all Rey. The girl always preferred him when they came to his uncle, when they came to the track and Ben was alone.

Today it was the same.

The sky was white, too white. Rainfall has already tinted the dark blue asphalt surface with shiny black and brightened the red and white track curbs. The atmosphere was electrified; not only the parents of small drivers hid under the sheets, but also the fans awaiting the race. Ben Solo, starting from pole position, as he won the previous race, crouched beside his two-stroke go-kart as the wind blew through the equally awaiting for race track.

Voices surrounded him, usually marked by that annoying English accent. Even living in England for longer than in Texas, Ben could never imitate pronunciation, and even now many of his colleagues - not say rivals - boldly laughed when he spoke.

He told himself that they didn’t like him, because he was the champion for the second time in a row. He was still an American in England, and only here was he brutally made aware that who his mother and uncle were did matter how others perceived him.

Leia Organa sometimes graced Super One races with her presence, but her presence equaled a crowd of journalists and spotlight focused on her, not young drivers, and she didn’t want to stole it from them. Amazingly, that such a reaction was not caused by Luke Skywalker himself, but also the figure of his uncle, was considered by many to be very legendary to lower himself to coming to the cadet races.

However, the slim man, prematurely grayed and with a trimmed beard, only with lively, piercing eyes, rounded around the distinctive golden painting go-kart with number 7 of his adopted daughter.

Rey joined the cadet class two years after Ben and Poe began racing and immediately proved to be a demanding opponent. Perhaps she wasn't a flesh-and-blood Skywalker, but definitely she had Skywalker’s spirit. Her three hair buns turned out to be her trademark and Ben didn’t know the boy who wouldn’t follow her with his eyes, longingly. And at the same time, they cursed her as she consistently beat everyone - including Ben Solo himself.

He hated Rey for coming out of nowhere and winning the love of her uncle and his parents. Just as he hated Poe. Ben came to the races with his father, but it was no secret that Han really preferred to be somewhere else. Ben hated Rey, that somehow after a few years, her voice resounded with an almost aristocratic English accent that he couldn’t imitate, he hated Poe, that unlike him, even if he bothered Rey, she did not hate him and treated them kindly.

Right now, in the crowd, he always managed to hear her laugh.

Rey arrived in the morning and consistently avoided him from the morning. Han reassured him, said that his uncle really had high hopes for his cousin, but how could Ben feel? He, not Poe, not Rey, won the cadet champion title twice, not them. And yet his family, even his mother, was more focused on them, not him.

In addition, there was one thing that didn't let him sleep lately.

At the age of 11, the boy was about 5’7 ft tall. And he saw his uncle's, even his mother's, apologetic look, as if they knew that their son would soon grow up more and more.

Being tall, too tall - never, ever - worked in the driver's favor.

‘Ten minutes to the start of the race’ he heard through a megaphone.

Ben closed his eyes, imagining the track - every turn, every straight. Finding the perfect racing line was sometimes impossible, but it remained optimal. In addition, you had to take into account the weather, tires ...

Ben didn’t want to think like a child, but a professional. For him, racing wasn't what for Poe or Rey - jumping into a go-kart and having fun. For him, it was a prelude to a career that his parents didn’t want to choose.

And Ben still felt it was his destiny.

The black helmet glistened in the gray sky. The boy noticed his father, in the distance with other fathers, who, seeing the look of his son, stopped smoking the cigarette, which ended trampled on in the brown and wet grass by the track.

‘Remember, kid’ Han said when Ben got into the kart and fastened his seat belt. The world seen through the helmet's visor seemed almost claustrophobic. In a moment the only track of its destination will be only a narrow track line.

‘Have fun’ he heard his father.

The son looked at him and the father smiled at him. After a while he left him and the boy saw that he gave Poe the same smile.

He clenched his hands on the steering wheel. One look back and he saw Rey getting ready for the race.

She didn't even greet him.

In real grand prix, red lights came one after another. One, two, three, four, five. Here, too, lights hung above the track.

Now he was doing a warm-up lap, using it to warm up the tires and see places where it was possible that it would still be too wet to ride.

His mother was at a different race right now, Ben thought bitterly. British Grand Prix has always been held at Silverstone, the cradle of British and global motorsport. However, even on such a day, his mother chose a job over him. Skywalker Ferrari - because the Italians almost begged his mother to be in the team - was her priority. Even if his race was in the same country. He imagined that in a few years he would be one of the kids who would manage to go through the upper classes, series and get to F1. No matter who he was related to and he succeeds, not Poe, not Poe, and maybe Reymont, what a name God, Rey, finally would like to make friends with him -

_Focus, focus._

He stopped at pole position. Poe stooped right next to him.

The roar of kart engines drowned out the silence of the sleepy English countryside. Ben's heart was beating with such force in his chest that it began to hurt. He loved the adrenaline rush, the fight, but above all he loved being _the best_.

One deep breath, the other. His foot on the brake when the whole vehicle vibrated under engine revs.

_Inhale and exhale -_

Lights out. 

The highest number of accidents, losses at the start or places gained occurred at the first turns. The Clay Pigeon track was an incredibly fast track, it was 815 meters long and Ben knew that on a dry surface the track record was less than 41 seconds.

Driving in the rain was a skill that few drivers possesed. Leia Organa was called “the queen of driving in the rain”, winning in this way her first race, Canadian Grand Prix in 1996.

Ben hit the apex of first corner, closing the door for Poe, who was right behind him. Defensive riding was something he specialized in; he had the first place, but keeping it was now a priority. He wasn't supposed to attack now, just keep his position.

In addition, he wasn't cheating. Most of the cadet kids had no such experience as him. For them - as the father said - it was fun, they didn’t look at it as a matter of life and death.

And Ben knew that's how Poe treated it. As for Rey, he wasn't sure. The girl remained a mystery to him, and Ben still didn’t know how and why, how she got to her uncle's house.

Turn, straight, turn, straight. Gear shifting came naturally to Ben. He was only focused on the track, but he was aware of what was behind him. He was under absolute control, he knew nothing would happen that would prevent him from winning -

At the same moment he felt, even painfully, a strong blow to the back.

The steering wheel slipped from his hands, he felt the next blow, he had to turn partially, he did not remember exactly. All he saw was another go-kart ahead of him, the next, including the familiar golden kart of Rey.

‘Shit’ Ben growled, feeling completely upset. He tried to move, but no, of course - the impact had to damage his rear wheels and so damn bad -

The red flag began to be waved, one of the track marshalls on the track jumped out to him.

‘I'm sorry’ he heard when his go-kart was already in the service lane, but Ben's ears were buzzing, she was boiling, because -

Because he knew. He knew who from the beginning sat him as much as a leech, he knew, he knew.

He closed his eyes, already holding his helmet when he heard the cheering crowd in the background.

The race is over.

His father wasn’t there, not that he was looking for him. If he were, he would help him, yes, at the podium he found his uncle who was avoiding looking at him.

‘Your dad had to go," said his uncle, and Ben swallowed another bitter lump. ‘They called, Leia needs him. You and Poe will sleep at my place today.’

‘Of course.’

‘Failure is part of the driver's path’ Luke told him. ‘You can't win all the time, everything happens in Formula 1. You can be the best on the track, the fastest, but if the car fails you ...’

‘Poe hit me’ said Ben.

‘It was a racing incident.’

‘Why didn't the race director penalise him?’ Ben asked, but his uncle didn't answer him because the third place winner was on the podium.

Armie Hux, the annoying red-haired Irishman. Talented, but pain in the ass, because even Ben avoided him like fire, and when Ben was the avoided one, Hux was even more avoided. Second, Poe, Ben couldn't even look at the smiling boy when he climbed the podium, so who won the race?

Words, breath, froze when he saw the familiar smile.

‘Well done, Rey!’ Luke shouted, clapping. Rey, less than a meter sixty, was all red and sweaty after the race, which only emphasized her freckles, like stars scattered on the firmament of her face, and her hair, many of them fell from three buns, surrounding her soft and glistening with laugh oval of her face.

Ben's heart skipped a beat, he began to clap softly, but Rey, after jumping to the top of the podium, immediately hugged Poe warmly.

Ben's hands dropped; he looked away.

She never did that with him, even when she was third in the previous round. Never. She rarely glanced at him. Another wave of icy hatred began to fill him, her and Poe, even his father and mother, because who did Ben have? Why did he feel so lonely or was he really rejected?

However, daring to steal another look at Rey, Ben raised his head. The girl was just waving at Luke, who sent her a kiss, the testimony of a proud father.

Ben followed it, seeing how radiant she was. It was like an inner light, God, who didn't like Rey? Ben knew how every boy, even if they didn't like the girl because she was better than them, imagined asking her for school prom already.

Perhaps Uncle Luke saw it in her. Great racing talent of his mother, and maybe even greater.

Ben was looking at Rey as she lifted her golden cup, when she looked at him.

The smile froze on her lips. Even from a distance of a dozen or so meters, Ben could see her eyes darken, pride and ice glistening deeply inside them, her face thickening. And there was no doubt that the reason for such a sudden change in her mood was precisely him.

Poe pulled her by one of the buns and the girl immediately began to laugh. Ben felt a huge lump in his throat, blinked and spun around.

‘Ben?’ His uncle's voice came from far away. ‘Is everything okay?’

His hands trembled until Ben clenched them into fists. Stronger - he felt his nails cut into his skin, cutting it into the bitter, iron blood he now felt in his mouth.

‘Yes’ he choked out. ‘Everything’s okay.’


	2. Chapter 1: Traitor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, hello everyone! I’m back with Chapter no1 (lets hope it won’t end here though). As you know, it’s kind of intro chapter, because after all, we all need a very boring intro to all stories, so sorry for that.
> 
> So, Rey if an F1 driver, apparently. Kylo too. If you want to know and you are not familiar with F1, all teams have launches in February (yay!) so crazy F1 fans (me) who are dying because of no racing during winter break are dying from happiness and bitchin’ about the liveries that are usually well, the same as last year(I’m looking at you Mercedes, Ferrari and Red Bull). 
> 
> And no I have no idea if dogs get diarrhea from eating soil, even if I have a dog. But she never got a diarrhea and she was eating various stuff during her life and well, sorry. Fanfiction works different way.
> 
> So after launches, we get testing in Barcelona and here CHN2 (Chapter number 2) will take place. Rey will meet Kylo during the testing and I am excited for it hehe because… hymm I see this two as fire huuhu.
> 
> Enjoy reading the chapter, y’all! Hope you will like it.

> _I am not deceitful: if I were, I should say I loved you; but I declare I do not love you:_ _I dislike you the worst of anybody in the world._
> 
> ― Charlotte Brontë , _Jane Eyre_

**15 years later**

**Oxfordshire, England, February 2019**

_Prostitution._

Rey, being English-raised, was able to express her contempt in many ways. Call the delinquent an absolute kettle, sigh and shake her head, roll her eyes. Alternatively, she just smiled and spoke as politely as she could, the most logical and polite thing of all the less logical and not the most polite things that she really wanted to say. Because; yes, because, because - because - she knew that nothing and nothing more and not less irritated and boiled the absolute kettle than just politeness and courtesy.

On the other hand, Rey, as a Slav by birth, was ready to divide this delinquent centrally in the face, throw over her shoulder and kick in the crotch.

It was no mystery that unfortunately she couldn’t act on these desires; perhaps, as Uncle Luke said, it was the _clou_ of nature of versus nurtue dispute. Nature or education. Maybe not. Rey just was furious at the moment, and this rage would always be the result of one:

Her offended pride.

Prostitution. Simply - she was speechless!

Her footsteps were swift and noiseless as she ran through a familiar forest. The February sun was bright but warm; but the ground beneath her shoes was soft, and softened with half-melted snow. She ran steadily, not losing her breath, not too fast, but not slowly - keeping pace.

Tomorrow she will be in Spain at this time.

Rey Király knew she wasn't dreaming; her dreams were real, but paid with hard work. She believed in what happened, she believed her eyes when she read the next articles about her success. She managed to achieve one of the key goals -

And no _absolute kettle_ will change that.

And certainly not when this kettle was her dear, beloved, let the hell take him, cousin.

Prostitution! Ha! He probably had slept with half of the paddock himself, and he had the audacity, damn him, fuck him, Rey just wanted to hit with her brand-new SF-19 and her cousin, Ben Solo, will be only reduced to bloody craps of guts smeared all over the Barcelona-Catalunya track.

Oh, sorry, her cousin didn't use that name anymore.

Kylo Ren. Buuu, she was so scared. She was as afraid as she was afraid of Peppa Pig.

Although not, this drawing with Peppa, where somehow she was shown _en face_ , was indeed terrifying.

It took her a moment to realize that her watch was beeping - and that meant the end of the run. However, there was a hill within her sight. She narrowed her eyes and, gritting her teeth tightly, ran up, scream escaping from her mouth.

Her lungs burned with fire when she stopped and had to rest her hands on her thighs for a moment, breathing deeply, and then turned off her watch.

‘Crap’ she panted. The sun was still breaking through the bare branches of the forest, but dusk was already approaching. And so it was only 4 pm, just a few weeks ago it would be a dark night already, so for Rey the longer day not only meant the coming spring, but, above all, the start of the season.

She will be in Spain tomorrow, she told herself. On tests. And she won't be alone: Poe, Finn, Haldo, and above all Leia will be with her. Rey knew that she wouldn’t be alone when she made her debut in the motorsport queen, but was there anything worse than breaking the brand new SF-19 when everyone watched her?

Of course it was. He was. And that was her beloved cousin, Kylo, who had the misfortune to be just an F1 driver himself as well.

Oh, how many times Rey prayed for him to crash, but no, Kylo was lucky, he had a great car and a team. And unfortunately, less luck to crash.

And he still had the nerve to say that Rey would sooner find fulfillment in prostitution than in F1, God, what a moron, what a kettle, what -

Rey took a deep breath.

‘Revenge is like an open wound’ she muttered with increasing resignation. ‘Rey, believe me, everyone in this family wants to hang, quart, bleach and probably eviscerate Ben in a million different ways and unfortunately, as we are bound by the divine and human temporal law, we can't do that. And your aunt wouldn't approve. Which is really sad but ... we have to live with it. We have to live with him.’

She had heard her uncle say the words so many times that she could imitate his low and hoarse tone with almost impeccable diction and intonation. Rey tasted their sound for a moment longer, before her lips twisted in a smile and laugh escaped from her mouth.

‘Oh, God’ she muttered, wiping the corner of her eye from her tears. ‘We have to live with him. Hu-hu-hu’ she shook her head. - Let him get hemorrhoids in that ass of his. Please.’

Only after a few steps, when she was close to home, her breathing slowed down. Ever since she remembered, or rather since she remembered, she lived with his uncle Luke on his estate, among the foggy heaths of Oxfordshire, near Oxford. She pushed one of the back gates to the garden, where she noticed a dog digging under the bushes.

‘Chewie!’ she shouted, and the shaggy brown dog raised his head immediately. The whole mouth - snout - had a dirty soil and it was no secret that he had to eat (again) the soil..

‘Home’ she said, pointing to the building. ‘Now!’

The dog tilted his head and Rey rolled her eyes.

‘You were eating the soil. Again.’

Chewie whined.

‘If Uncle Luke sees you here, you may get tablets in the butt " she said in an ominous whisper. ‘Because we had a contract, you eat the soil, then you get diarrhea, and I won't be here to save your ass soon.’

The dog seemed to consider her words when Rey stared at him. Her leg began to measure time, hitting the wet sand, she crossed her arms over her chest.

‘And what now, Chewie?’ she asked in a luscious voice. ‘Do you have your answer?’

The dog howled in response and a moment later it was leaping through the flower bed, running into the house.

‘Talk to the dog, great, Rey’ she muttered to herself. ‘I’m threatening the dog as he doesn’t listen to me. Finn was right ... I’m off my trolley.’

Chewie was not, in fact, Luke's dog - but rather the son of Uncle Han. However, after his death, when it was known that Aunt Leia would not be able to take care of him, and Ben would certainly not take care of him, Chewie - Chewbacca - found his home in Oxhead, an estate from Uncle Luke's Tudor time, and Rey .

She had already taken off her shoes at the entrance out of habit, they were all muddy. The house was empty, but she knew that somewhere she would stumble upon her adopted father, often wandering around Oxhead like a ghost, unless he went out for long walks. Chewbacca was standing on the stairs, waiting for her.

‘You and I will have to take a bath before Luke sees us’ she said quietly. ‘None of us want a pill in the ass, do we?’

Chewie wagged his tail.

‘Good’ she whispered. ‘Come on, bathroom.’

She looked around, but not - the living room, kitchen, although there was a smell of pasta, could not see Luke anywhere.

The cell phone on her chest vibrated and Rey pulled it out.

> **Finn**
> 
> _Departure 6:20, we will come for you with Poe at 5_

So much sleep, she thought. As much as shit. However, she was used to it. This wasn’t her first racing season - after all, Formula 2 was taking place at the same time as the main F1 grand prix, 12 rounds, but mainly only during rounds in Europe and the Middle East, without tracks such as Albert Park in Australia, Interlagos in Brazil or historical Suzuka in Japan.

This won’t be the first time she gets to be behind the wheel of SF-19, no. Earlier, Skywalker Ferrari had a shooting day at Silverstone, when she and Poe took turns taking a few laps, recorded a few interviews, all on Skywalker's social media.

And Rey was a reserve driver for a year, already, she drove during the FP1 of Belgian Grand Prix training last year. She studied the aerodynamics of the car, talked to engineers to get to know the car and its mechanics better. She rode a simulator, knew each track with perfect accuracy, when she changed gears in her mind, braked and turned.

The thought of being the first - since the time of Leia Organa - a woman in F1, in her team, was at the same time an honor, but also in a way a burden on her heart.

Rey was the first woman to win the F2 championship title, after a hard fight, not only on the track but also outside the track. She was Luke's adopted daughter, everyone considered her Skywalker; perhaps she would feel so, because she was lucky, some wonderful luck, that Luke took her in, that she had a family, if not for one thing.

She passed next photos of Luke's successes, but also Leia's and hers. Her first win at go-karts when she was 5 years old. She and Poe, laughing together. Leia hugging her, Uncle Lando and Uncle Han -

Ben.

She didn't want to stop by his picture, but it was stronger than she wanted. For a moment, for a long moment, perhaps a fragment of eternity in her remembered hatred, she stared at the serious face of her adopted cousin; dark curly hair, ears hidden under their waves, long nose, frowned eyebrows. Ben - Kylo - even as a small boy had some unprecedented aristocracy of the English Lord, that contempt in the gaze, bent of too plump lips and the curvature of the nose. No one would say that his parents are such wonderful, cheerful people like Han and Leia, and certainly no one would say that the boy himself was born in Texas.

Rey looked sideways quickly, feeling shivers running down her back. Sometimes she was sure that her cousin could see her, even from photographs.

‘It's okay, Chewie’ she said, turning to the dog who was standing in the bathroom door. ‘I will save you from these pills.’

***

Rey, being English-raised, was quiet in her hatred; she waited for the moment when she could pass the blow, but this blow could only be measured by an accurate, ironic riposte; she prided herself in the fact that many people were unaware of the importance of her words before they found their true meaning. In F1, it wasn't just how you drove, what was your team, car, or even talent; no. It was also politics and required diplomacy. And being diplomatic in a world when men were convinced you couldn't drive, even though you won 10 races out of 12 last season, it was like trying to explain to Chewie that the soil was bad and equals diarrhea.

[Although not, Chewie was more clever compared to these idiots.]

On the other hand, Rey, as a Slav by birth, was able to suppress her bloodthirsty tendencies (as Leia said, Rey had to have Polish hussars in her ancestors) and she succeeded. In this. Maybe. Almost.

Because there was one person who drove her round the bend.

Rey was not a saint. She got drunk once or twice, but at least she wasn't alone - Poe and Finn and Rose were with her. She could accuse herself of being proud that she was sometimes not so patient and she was impetuous, but she would never, ever leave, betray her family.

And that was what Ben did - now known as Kylo Ren.

Already drying Chewie, herself with wet hair, she froze at the voice of Uncle Luke coming from his office.

Chewie looked at her and she put a finger to her lips. Conspiratorially.

‘Leia’ she heard Luke, his voice filled with love and tenderness he only had for his sister. And maybe for goat's milk, sometimes. ‘I know it's hard for you. Rey is ready, she will be there tomorrow and –‘

Rey knew she shouldn't be eavesdropping, but it was another of her little sins: she was curious. She was ready to take this one step to hell, even if it meant falling down the stairs and be consumed by hellfire.

‘Leia, Ben won't come back. And no, you can try to talk to him. He'll send you to his agent. Leia, he pretends he doesn't know you. He's gone. The truth hurts you, but the truth is truth.’

Rey closed her eyes.

‘He will be there, Leia, yes. She will be on tests, he always is.’

_He will._

She didn’t want to think about that part of the video that was on Youtube, where Ben's reaction was recorded, his contemptuous smile, a glint in his eye when he learned that Skywalker Ferrari had contracted her as a second driver. It was humiliating, because Rey never - never - undersood why he hated her so much since she could remember.

‘Reymont?’ Kylo's voice, because it wasn't Ben, Ben was just a memory. And only he - Ren - called her by her real name.

‘Reymont may dream to drive, if she is in F1, it’s not known how much of it is a matter of talent and how much of it is a matter of... connections.’

His voice was low and melodious, too melodious. Slightly muffled, seeming to bring out from the depths of the abyss of his dark eyes, no lips and it vibrated in her ears to such an extent that she had the impression that she heard nothing but his timbre. After years of living in the UK, the harsh Texan accent was lost somewhere amidst the sharp, gilded vowels of words he uttered with unwavering confidence, but they sounded somehow false, and for a moment – echo of past pronunciation could be heard, like he wore a mask that was altering his speech.

‘Perhaps ... Reymont will find greater fulfillment, for example ... in prostitution’ he murmured, slipping his leg nonchalantly and winking at the journalist. ‘Than in F1.’

Rey closed her eyes.

She didn't understand it, she hated him, she hated him, she hated -

His mocking tone as he said her name, when he came to Luke with Poe and they raced. When, though as she asked him, he didn't call her "Rey" just that hated name, when he ridiculed her favorite books and songs until she laughed at what he liked and Poe tried to defend her.

Why he had so much hatred for her?

That one evening, eight years ago, when everything reached its apogee. A warm summer night, a barbecue - when everything else seemed to be not good, but rather normal.

Rey shuddered, remembering the fire rising against the dark sky, Leia's scream, Chewie's howl and that tangled body when she couldn't tell where Kylo, Poe, Han or Luke began -

And this treacherous breaking of her heart.

Perhaps she knew the reason for this hatred, but she was also so proud and remembered that she would never - even to herself - admit it.

Never.

‘It's been 8 years, Leia’ Luke's voice came from far away. ‘You can try, but you know what I think. What Rey thinks, Poe. He denied us. There’s no good left in him.’

Rey opened her eyes. Quietly, she silently walked to her room, where Chewie had laid on her bed.

She fell without words on its edge, quiet and thoughtful. Her room was a small universe and proof of what she loved: diplomas, some of her trophies, which Luke didn’t put in display cases next to his own, dolls, the first helmet, white-orange, and with such design, altered, but she still rode to this day.

However, it was still a child's room, not a room of an adult woman.

However, she felt that the sins of the past were always behind her, and even if she drove one of the fastest cars in the world, she couldn’t escape from them.

Her fingers found the back and stuck her fingers into still wet fur.

‘I'll miss you’ she whispered. ‘When the season starts, I won't be here as often as I would like.’

The dog looked at her and whined softly.

‘Your lady will try to kick some chauvinists' ass’ she added, taking his muzzle in her hands. ‘I promise you that, dear.’

Chewie put her head in her lap and she sighed. Her eyes fell on the suitcase with the Ferrari logo and the bag with the logo of Arai, the manufacturer of her helmets.

A few hours, she thought. And I'll be on the track.

Memories of the presentation of the car in Maranello were like a dream: red spilled everywhere, as did the Italian language. As the first female Ferrari driver in F1, Rey knew they had a problem because usually Ferrari drivers would come to the launch of cars in suits with the Ferrari emblem on their chest.

Rey insisted not to change this tradition.

Many didn’t like the fact that she appeared in F1 and in a top team. And certainly not all fan boys who insisted that women couldn’t drive, that she got a seat in the team because of the family.

And Mercedes FO, the dominating F1 team for several years, certainly didn’t like she appeared.

So the Kylo Ren’s team.

Whatever happened, Rey was tough, hard, and she wasn't alone. She knew her value, her talent and skills paid for by hard work. No stupid man, no fan boy, and above all no _absolute kettle_ will change that.

Uncle Luke was right. Rey thought of poor Aunt Leia who was alone when her son left her, her husband died and she almost fell into depression, but she still tried to reach her son and he was pushing her away. She didn't deserve it, and it only intensified Rey's hatred for him.

Uncle Luke was right.

There’s no good left in Kylo Ren.

And Rey will destroy him on the track. Completely.

Once and for all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes for Chapter 1? Or rather AG goes F1 knowledge here:
> 
> F2 – auntie wiki time: “Formula Two, abbreviated to F2, is a type of open wheel formula racing first codified in 1948. It was replaced in 1985 by Formula 3000, but revived by the FIA from 2009–2012 in the form of the FIA Formula Two Championship. The name returned in 2017 when the former GP2 Series became known as the FIA Formula 2 Championship.”
> 
> Grand Prix – just a fancy name of race. Because “Monaco Race” doesn’t sound so fancy as “Monaco Grand Prix” tho
> 
> Silverstone - track in England, like home of F1, first race ever of F1 was there. Ex-air base. 
> 
> Maranello – that’s a home of Scuderia Ferrari, they have factory there, so grazzie ragazzi, mamma mia, lasagne. 
> 
> About Kylo: bitch is stupid, but I will explain why he’s stupid.
> 
> And also, Ben is not his full name or short form of Benjamin. Just wait and see ;)
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	3. Chapter 2: Kylo Ren and a very, very, very bad test day  (mainly due to some very, very, very annoying Rey Király)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO HERE WE ARE. Rey and Kylo finally meet and oh, I hope it will be as epic as I thought it is. It took me a while, but this lazy ass (me) started uni again and maybe she procrastinated a little too much watching Clone Wars (oh I totally did).
> 
> I want to thank @90popstargirl on Tumblr for giving me idea for writing this fic and being well not only the first reader, but the reason I’m writing it. I’m writing this for you, dear.
> 
> So, Kylo and Rey meet, chaos emerges. We find out some family secrets, but what’s really going on between Kylo and Rey? And soon, F1 seasons starts and with it…Rey comes up with a plan to make Leia a little bit happier…
> 
> I added some info from F1 stuff as well as track map, because sorry, yes you are all here for Reylo, but I’m an F1 freak, so suffer. And also, if Rey and Kylo are drivers they ought to act like ones.
> 
> Enjoy this chapter, y’all!

> _A cada cerdo le llega su San Martín._
> 
> What goes around, comes around.
> 
> \- Spanish proverb

**F1 winter tests**

**Circuit de Barcelona-Catalunya, Spain, February 2019**

‘No, no, no’ he said and his hand was once again dangerously close to the nasal septum, which had hurt as he had been squeezing it for a while now. ‘Again? I can't believe I have to ... _no_? Are you _sure_? Or do you fuck this stupid thing just to make me mad?

He leaned his head against the wall and closed his eyes.

‘I'm sick of it’ he whispered. ‘Of everything, this brothel. Tell Mitaka that if I’m asking for a damn peanut butter and jelly sandwich, then he’s not better gettin’ me some fuckin’ BUTTER butter sandwich, but with PEANUT butter and FUCKING JELLY.’

He hung up and then threw the phone on the bed.

‘Cука блять’ he choked.

If there was a language made for curses, it certainly was Russian.

Oh, how he loved his fucking-freaking-damned life. He loved it with hateful love. And oh, of course, his feelings were mutual. Did he really ask for _so much_? He understood that - maybe, and he had lived in fucking Great Britain since he was 5 years old and for years he was under the fucking enslavement, oh _thralldom_ , of all-encompassing Britishness, but his soul and heart was American, he drove under the American flag and just, after a whole filimh day, before testing, he only wanted his fucken SANDWICH. It wasn’t his fault that the British understood jelly as some sort of ricking a pudding, but was there no peanut butter or something alike in Spain?

Maybe he was exaggerating. And his trainer slash physio wouldn’tbe happy. However, Kylo got up at a fucking 5:40, when the whole paddock was dark, except maybe the white lights of the track glowing in the distance, he did a short-short training at the "gym" in his motorhome - no big deal, bike, some push-ups, crunches. And so, most of the physical work, preparation for the season, building strength and muscle mass was done during the winter break and Kylo took care of it with his trainer, then he took a quick shower - his motorhome was his second home, at least during the European part of the season.

He opened the wardrobe and sighed heavily. There was one undoubted plus being an F1 driver; you never had to wonder what you had to wear, because your choice was limited, possibly - or depending on the weather - oh, if it was warm (and it wasn't warm in February in Spain) - a short-sleeved T-shirt, of course with the team logo, plus a cap (with team logo). Colder? Pullover with the team logo and hat (also with the team logo, of course). Cold? Jacket with team logo.

Everything with the team logo. And sponsors logo. You were a fucking walking ad.

The choice was appalling and overwhelming, because those clothes still had a variety of colors: from deep inky almost black, to jet black, silver and white – colors of Mercedes FO.

Perhaps, as Hux said, Kylo was picky and snappy. Snoke didn't approve of that either, but Kylo did his job flawlessly, and if he wanted , hymm sorry, peanut butter and jelly sandwich, Mitaka's job was to get him it, regardless of location.

A few hours and the silent paddock of the Circuit de Barcelona-Catalyuna track will come alive and witness the beginning of new 2019 season – and not just fans were hungry for new emotions after a winter break that lasted almost three months, but above all journalists will try to see what new teams have prepared to have an advantage over their rivals. After a busy break, all 10 teams had 6 test days, 3 days this week and 3 next week - and they were to test almost everything. Kylo himself worked with engineers, but for now the car, MFO8 had - after FIA approval - only wind tunnel tests.

‘We have a clear vision of what we want to achieve this season.’

Briefing; Kylo was used to spending long hours with engineers, mechanics and telemetry checking. However, everyone's attention, including Kylo’s and Hux’s sitting in front of him, was focused on Snoke who was standing at the top of the table and the Mercedes First Order AMG hierarchy.

‘The program for Barcelona is simple’ he said, and a strong Russian accent cut every word he uttered. ‘We check the engine settings, we _do not show_ the maximum power, we do as many laps as possible. Mileage and reliability of the car. Wednesday and mid Thursday, Kylo –‘

Snoke's eyes fell on him, Kylo looked down.

‘The garage is yours’ he heard. ‘Later, Hux will take control of the MFO8.’

Kylo could feel the Irishman's piercing gaze on him, as well as the malicious smile playing somewhere on Hux’s lips. Kylo himself refrained from really doing something that he would regret, and he had long since realized that Vladimir Pyotr Snokovich was not the boss who tolerated his drivers fisticuffing.

‘You can hate each other’ he was writing on the computer as Kylo sat stiff in his office, watching the boss's long fingers fly over the keyboard. ‘But in silence. Good of the team above all, I don't play the favorites, boy.’

‘I took you in because I knew your talent. When the others wrote you off because ... you didn't match the picture they created for you…’ he continued and the bitterness rose in Kylo's mouth. ‘But there are rules in the team, boy. And this applies not only to you, but also to your partner. Destroy each other’s race once again and your careers will be destroyed.’

Kylo shook his head.

‘It wasn't my fault then in Singapore’ he drawled. ‘No –‘

‘I don't care, Kylo.’

The tapping on the keyboard stopped. Snoke glared at him, examined him, and the young man took a deep breath.

It took a while before his boss shook his head.

‘You have too much of your father's heart in you’ he muttered. ‘You have talent, but you still think about them. About her.’

_About her._

Kylo heard the breath escape from his lungs in slow motion to appear again, but it brought no relief.

He was not disturbed by media attention, nevertheless it irritated him, because of it F1 lost some part of its identity. F1 was addicted to fans, and along with the prestige of the queen of motosport’s fame - and this fame that Kylo earned himself alone, cut off from his family years ago.

However, the winter 2019 tests indicated something, although unless he tried not to think about it, hide it from Snoke and Hux, everyone, even himself, meant one thing.

Rey. Rey Király.

Skywalker Ferrari driver, the first woman in F1 in over 20 years.

Since his mother.

His enemy.

Rey.

_Her._

About _her -_

‘Exactly.’

‘She means nothing to me’ he choked. ‘Nothing.’

A smile appeared on Snoke's face, and a moment later the office filled his laughter.

‘Ты такой же пиздун’ the man leaned his head on his hand. ‘Liar, Kylo.’

Kylo felt it when he turned his head, anger boiling inside him, twisting his face, entrails and -

‘I need more from you’ he heard. ‘I need you to find your true power. Your true potential.’

‘The girl, Skywalker's adopted daughter ... your Rey ... Reymont ... was already a big impediment and distracted your attention. What will happen now when you have to fight with her?

There was some sinisterity in the voice, but also a challenge. Snoke knew, and Kylo knew Snoke knew he was aware of that.

‘I will defeat her then’ he whispered. ‘I will destroy her.’

 _As she destroyed me_ , he added in his mind.

Perhaps that's why he was losing his patience. Not because of his (nonexistent, because Spain and Britain, and the civilized world was not as civilized as he thought) sandwiches with peanut butter and jelly, but because in a few hours he will face to face, not only with this stupid, oh, golden loved-by-everyone Poe Dameron, but face her.

_What will happen now when you have to fight with her?_

Snoke's question echoed in his head as he left the motorhome, already seeing Mitaka waiting for him.

_What's going to happen?_

_I will defeat her_ , he breathed in whispering repetitions, like an echo, like a kaleidoscope of fractal thoughts. _I will destroy her._

_How she destroyed me._

***

He folded his notebook when he finished writing the next page. He had his little corner in a Mercedes garage, right next to his locker, where he kept his helmet and gloves between the sessions. Surrounded by the ubiquitous black, dressed in it, for a moment his pen hung over an another blank page, as well as his eyes hung over the TV hanging on the other side of the garage.

Hours of tests were broadcast by more than one station in the world. Journalists besieged the whole paddock, hungry for sensations.

And it certainly F1 had its sensation.

He had seen Rey several times, not once, because it was difficult not to see her when she dominated the previous F2 season, which taken place during F1 weekends. Kylo had an excuse to watch her race, but now - now Rey was not some driver from the feeding series.

Above the noise from the garage, he couldn’t hear what she was saying when she was interviewed by the journalist, but the protégé of the great Leia Organa, the first woman to drive in Ferrari?

Rey fixed her cap and, thanks to the strong and cold wind, strands of short hair blew across her face. She no longer wore the memorable three hair buns, because that Rey was gone; the world had a wide, snow-white smile of a woman ready to knock it to its knees.

Kylo wondered if she had heard his interview. Today in the morning, apart from the photos that each team took, in the middle of the start-finish line a small photo session took place. Kylo hated this aspect of his work, all the media interest, every word he recorded and repeated, repeated in silly articles and served to "experts" who were never even near the F1 car.

He didn’t expect a nice welcome from other drivers. Not that he had friends among them; he respected his opponents, but he wasn't stupid enough to -

Rey, greeting her with Poe, their smile not only pierced his ears, going deeper. It was like going back to the past, but Kylo really wanted to hit Poe in a car, so that Marty McFly wouldn’t be able to push Dameron away.

It didn't make sense, he told himself, and knew that Snoke was right; all these friendships were for show because in F1 there was no place for real feelings. However, when Rey was surrounded by not only Poe, but also Ezra Bridger, as well as Cassian Andor of Alfa Romeo, Kylo simply looked away, clutching his helmet and teeth. And he didn't need all these photos to know that he was taller than everyone else and looked almost comical in height comparison, and if it wasn't for the change of regulations and Snoke admitting him to the team, he would never become an F1 driver because of course, Poe, with his five feet and seven inches, didn't have to worry about losing time because of weight.

 _Focus_ , he ordered himself in his thoughts, writing again, trying to ignore the girl on the TV. _Session one, engine settings, new tyres, blistering -_

[Sometimes I feel I've got to]

No, Kylo clenched his eyes and fingers on the pen.

[Run away I've got it

Get away from the pain that you drive into the heart of me]

Nobody talked about one aspect of British enslavement. That their damn songs have poisoned your mind, turning on like a broken radio when you least needed them.

[For I toss and turn I can't sleep at night]

And Kylo was awake, hardly sleeping.

Even the roar of the engine being turned on - and checked – didn’t drown it out.

A few mechanics looked at him when he threw his notebook with a bang.

‘Ren!’ Pryde, technical director, shouted at him.

‘I'll be back in a moment’ he replied through gritted teeth.

‘We start the second session in 10 minutes, hurry up.’

Kylo was already in the exit, in the dark maze, avoiding the team members of staff running past. He needed fresh air, he just needed -

[Once I ran to you (I ran)

Now I'll run from you]

God, how he hated British music. He hated that stupid accent, he hated damn everything -

And they still had to ask only about her, always about _her_ , on repeat, and she didn't even want to look at him -

[I give you all a boy could give you]

He walked quickly, almost ran, unzipping partially the top of the suit, already seeing his motorhome in sight, passing other hospitalities of other teams, when in the distance outside the pit lane he heard the roar of the car engines. The tests weren’t as exciting as racing, but Kylo sought some methodical peace in the next laps of the Barcelona-Catalunya track when he was focused on work, not on -

‘Fuck! Can't you see where are you going?!’

A dark, warm drink gradually leaked through his suit, through his fireproof black top. Kylo stared indignantly, dazed, spread his arms.

‘Look where the fuck you are going’ he drawled.

‘You didn't do it yourself, hypocrite.’

At the sound of that voice, his head jumped up immediately, his breath escaping through his mouth. He would know this voice, intonation - accent - _everywhere_.

Rey lifted her chin when he met her gaze, and her lips, usually drawn in a friendly smile, twisted in rage. Kylo could hate her, and he certainly hated her at that moment; but she was a view in her red and black Skywalker Ferrari racing suit.

‘Well, is it really you?’ she whispered. ‘Are you running away? Scared of competition? Or maybe you want to use the toilet?

‘Do you still only drink decaf? he asked, looking at the cup in her hand.

Rey tilted her head.

‘Do you still cry after sex?’

Kylo bit his lip.

‘You're a bitch, Reymont.’

‘Oh, and you’re a manwhore... Benoit.’

Oh, did he forget? There were maybe three people in the world who knew his real name. His mother, Luke and Rey. And probably Snoke, but ok, there were four. But of course, 7 billion people in the world.

And Rey must have known his fucking name. Real name.

Because, of course, his parents did and they had to name him after that damn Quebec driver, Ben, Benoit Kenobi. It was his damn luck, because all the Benjamins, Benedicts, Benblahblah and they chose fucking, fucken BenOIT.

Kylo tilted his head as well and gave her a smile.

‘I see that you lack sense of humor. Or is it rather a "humouuur"?’ he said in fake British accent. ‘You made it, congratulations. Welcome to F1, Király.

‘I'm done’ she said without taking her eyes from him. ‘And I don't accept your congratulations. I don't care about the respect of a person like you.’

Kylo took a deep breath.

‘You're so disgustingly British’ he crossed his arms over his chest. ‘You did whatever they wanted without asking, but I know you, Rey. You are not the kind girl you want to be taken for. And certainly not type of girl Leia and Luke think you are.

‘You don't care’ Rey walked over to him, and suddenly, in the cold air, a rage fire rang out. ‘This is _my_ family. And you? Did you even think about what happened when you left? Did you only look at your own success, at filling your own pockets with cash when your mother cried every day and you weren't even at your father's fucking funeral?’

She didn't scream; Kylo wore his face like a mask, not even flinching when she threw more words at him, accusations, perhaps even justified, if wasn’t that Rey knew only part of the truth - and he knew she would not believe him anyway.

Not that he wanted her to believe.

‘Well?’ her eyebrows rose as the fire of fury glowed deep within her hazel eyes. ‘Will you say something?’

Kylo narrowed his eyes.

_What will happen now when you have to fight with her?_

‘You don't belong to this family’ he said finally. ‘ You don't. You were looking for a father in everyone. In my father, in Luke. For a Mother in my mother. You can now have everything from a seat in Ferrari to luxury in first class and pole postion wins, grand prix, you can speak with this idiotic English accent, but ...

His eyes slipped on her lips and for a split second and too long. He lost train of thought.

‘But ... it doesn't change the fact that deep down ... you're nothing’ he whispered. ‘Just an orphan from Eastern Europe, with parents who gave you to the window of life, got drunk to death and you are ... empty. You are nobody. Nothing.’

Rey took a deep breath. He was upset with the beating heart in his chest, how her face changed, these microexpressions, eye twitching, dilated nostrils, tightening of the lips into a thin line before she bit her lower lip.

‘Do you know what's the worst?’ she asked, her voice suddenly was all muffled. ‘ That I defended you for a while. When Poe and Luke ... told me, aunt ... you just left us. And they were right, but I wanted to believe ... that maybe ... maybe ... even if you hated me all these years ... since Luke adopted me ... I wanted to believe that you were just ... lost.’

‘But it's not like that’ she added in a whisper. ‘And I know that now. But I can't do this to your mother, and you break and break her heart, even now, pretending you don't know her.’

Kylo looked away.

‘Don't mention her’ he drawled.

‘ Stay away from us, Ren. Kylo’ Rey said. ‘You call me ... empty? And who are you? You hide behind a new name, behind this idiotic helmet straight from _Galaxy Wars_ ... but deep down you are the same ... little Benoit... Who only wants to be ... noticed.’

She stood close so that he had to hold his breath. He swallowed hard.

‘You say you are free, but ... are you sure? You're just ... Snoke's boy.

‘Go away’ he choked out.

‘You won’t order me around’ she said, but backed away. ‘And so, spending time with you is the last thing I want.’

‘Do you think you know everything you need to know about me? You do? Ah, you do.’ he lowered his head, looking her dead in the eye. ‘Believe me… and you will see when you stop being a… _good girl_ ... they will just get rid of you, how they got rid of me.’

Rey stood silent. The paddock seemed quiet - Kylo wasn't sure if anyone was watching them argue, but now among the team trucks, he heard no one but the blood buzzing in his ears.

’I wonder what they would say if they knew who I had to throw out of your room when you were 16’ he added quietly.

It was playing with fire, but - she wanted a war. Let her have it. Kylo had enough on her that he could choose.

‘You…’

‘Don't you dare me, oh please, please" he whispered. ‘Don't they know? They don't know ... about –‘

‘You ruined my whole childhood’ she muttered. ‘And you also had to destroy ... destroy that day and ... everything –‘

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

‘No’ her face smoothed out and after a moment a smile appeared on her face. Kylo blinked in surprise. ‘You have no power over me. You don't have it anymore.’

‘I'm not the same stupid girl anymore’ she added and smiled even wider, but there was a flash in her eyes and –‘

‘Opps.’

Kylo opened his mouth as the rest of the coffee was spilled on his crotch. The material was black, but the stain was clearly visible.

‘Oh no’ Rey said theatrically, dramatically. ‘How clumsy I am! Now you look like ... you didn't make it to the toilet, my dear.’

Kylo clenched his fists and glowered at her.

‘Thank you ... Rey.’

‘Oh, Ben ... Benoit ... unfortunately, but I have to go’ she added sweetly. ‘See you on the track, hymm?’

She must have fluttered her eyelashes so damn well that she just laughed at him straight in the face.

‘Fuck you’ he whispered.

Rey raised an eyebrow.

‘Maybe you should think about changing your profession. They say they pay well in ... prostitution’ - she added. ‘ Think about it.’

She patted him on the shoulder and a moment later turned to see her jogging slowly through the paddock, where a black young man was waiting for her at the box entrance, spreading his arms and pointed at him before Rey waved his hand and they both disappeared garage.

Kylo looked away and looked down.

‘Fuck’ he whispered in Russian.

And at the same moment, he heard a distant snap.

_Well of course -_

The photographer, with a pass hanging off his neck, lowered the camera. Kylo rolled his eyes and raised his thumb up to him.

‘Thanks!’ he shouted, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

Not even 15 minutes passed when, after checking the phone, he saw the picture everywhere, and even saw the look of mechanics who tried to suppress laughter. He had already seen all the memes that he had pissed and knew that it was the personal vendetta of Miss Király, who certainly heard his interview and decided to make him pay back.

‘Why have you been away for so long?‘ Pryde asked him.

Kylo was putting on a balaclava and a helmet.

‘I had a problem’ he answered wryly.

He lowered himself inside the cockpit, holding on to the halo. He was handed his steering wheel.

Before he was released from the garage, a shiny red car drove through the pit lane. Kylo could see the driver's helmet.

White-orange.

Of course, Rey Király, in the full glory of her glory.

 _Don't think about her_ , he told himself.

The engine roared as he released the brake and slowly pulled out of the garage, stopping at the exit of the pit lane, because the red light was on.

‘1,2,3 radio check’ he heard the voice of a racing engineer.

‘It's all right’ he said, his voice washed out of emotion. ‘Radio works.’

The Skywalker Ferrari red car just disappeared in the distance, in a roar, on the first corner. The pale morning light colored the asphalt and bland grass into weak gold.

‘The boss is watching, Kylo. Let's try to execute the program.’

_Inhale and exhale, inhale and exhale -_

Kylo felt calming down. He will become the world champion – something last year he couldn’t achieve.

 _I need you to find your true power. Your true potential_.

He won't let her ruin his season. Never.

‘Of course’ Kylo replied. ‘Always.’

And he drove when the green light came on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, poor boy Kylo, he really does hate British music (does he really tho?)
> 
> Benoit. Im sorry but I had to. Poor boy (but still a bitch).
> 
> Winter tests always take place in Spain and last 6 days. Actually next week (26-28 Feb) teams will again test stuff and oh believe me, everyone goes crazy because Mercedes has a new dual axis steering wheel that moves the tyres axis and helps being faster on straights and corners by changing it. Crazy, and yep, banned from next season by FIA.
> 
> FIA – aunt wiki time: “The Fédération Internationale de l'Automobile (FIA; English: International Automobile Federation) is an association established on 20 June 1904 to represent the interests of motoring organisations and motor car users. To the general public, the FIA is mostly known as the governing body for many auto racing events, such as the well known Formula One. The FIA also promotes road safety around the world.”
> 
> I love Rey, okay? That’s my girl. Enemies to lovers, y’all!
> 
> Next chapter will take place a month later, during Australian GP. I hope you will like it and you enjoyed this one because there is more drama to commeeeee
> 
> Take care of yourself <3
> 
> If you have any kind of question, be free to ask. You can find me on tumblr: redbullmocktails.tumblr.com


	4. Chapter 3: Unforgivable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3, folks. Maybe it’s too boring, dunno, maybe, but look, I’m sorry. Good stuff is coming, I promise. But to make good stuff, boring stuff first, I gotta set the tone, the pace, the info to make a drama mess happen later.
> 
> Sorry for F1 stuff, but I can’t write a fanfic without proper information. But somehow, still for a publishing house it’s perfectly normal to publish a book about F1 where guy firstly was a street racer, lol. Can tell you, impossible. It doesn’t work that way.
> 
> (the novel is called "Racer" by Katy Evans. People, it is the most shittest book i ever came across, nobody would EVER LET A GUY DRIVE F1 CAR, FIRSTLY YOU DO KARTING, F4, F3, F2 YEARS AND YEARS IN FUCKING FEEDING SERIES! BUT-WHO-CARES-ABOUT-IT-YEP-ONLY-ME-WHO-DOES-THE-RESEARCH)
> 
> pardon me.
> 
> So this chapter, I hope will show a bit of dark past of Rey and Kylo. What's really going on bewteen them? What happened 8 years before? Really excited for what will happen next.
> 
> As always I added the map of Albert Park track, because yes, sorry F1 freak.
> 
> But in the end – that beautiful edit of Rey and Kylo is made by my dearest darling 90spopstargirl on tumblr. I write it for you, love!
> 
> I hope y’all will enjoy the chapter!

> I can no longer tell the difference between memory and dream. They share the same quality of wishful thinking.
> 
> \- Angela Carter, _The Infernal Desire Machines of Doctor Hoffman_

Rey winced at the pieces of, hymm, green tea leaves? Floating in the water? Maybe. It looked disgusting, because the smell from her mug reminded her, what a strange coincidence, of dirty and sweaty socks.

‘Rey –‘

‘Who’ she asked with tears in her eyes. ‘ committed such ... Heresy? And made me ... this tea?’

She raised her head when Rose turned her head, Finn avoided her eyes

‘Finn’ she said. ‘I thought –‘

‘Understand, please, peanut’ said Finn, raising his hands. ‘I don’t know your British tea stuff. And I'm just your trainer. I can make cocktails.’

‘I can make you tea later’ Rose interrupted them, fixing her glasses and looking at something on the tablet . ‘I know you're nervous before your first practice session, but think ... you're 100% prepared, Rey.’

Rey took a deep breath, biting her lip.

How she wanted it to be true.

Only a few weeks have passed since the winter tests. March has arrived and with it, the official start of the season in Australia.

Rey felt like she was in a surreal dream when she got off the airport, already greeted by a small crowd of fans waiting for her. With joy and gratitude she signed picture after the picture, caps, her caps from her official merchandise or cards, posed for photos, knowing that it is only the prelude to what will happen on the track and paddock. Already, during the winter tests in Barcelona, Skywalker Ferrari box was besieged by a crowd of reporters who wanted an interview with the first woman in F1 for over 30 years, as well as her boss, the first and so far the only female team principal in F1 history.

‘Rey is our great hope’ Leia said. Rey has always been impressed by this woman's unforced grace and majesty. ‘She has been a member of Ferrari Academy since she was 12 and under our tutorship she has shown that she not only has amazing talent, but even more will to work on herself. Rey after such a spectacular season in F2 and being the F2 champion, but also being European F3 champion and earlier Asian F3 champion showed that her place is with us.

Leia was different from uncle Luke. Sadder, more reserved, still surprisingly hopeful after losing her husband, as well as losing her son.

Only that Ben Solo's fate was worse than death - in death, maybe Leia would find peace, pain, yes, but not in the painful loss of her son’s betrayal and denial in the existence of Kylo Ren.

Many accused Leia and Ferrari, even accused Luke of nepotism. Media didn’t miss anything. Since Rey was Luke's adopted daughter, and Poe was taken in by Leia after Kes Dameron's death. And Kylo Ren, aka Ben Solo, was Leia's son. However, the grand prix results spoke for themselves and couldn’t be faked. Rose and Holdo told her that she shouldn’t pay attention to media and let her result speak for her career. Poe Dameron was a brilliant driver, the reigning world champion, and Rey knew that nothing made Kylo Ren more mad than the fact that it was Poe who beat him, because Ren could lie, say whatever to the media, but Rey _knew him._

Therefore, she looked at her debut season in F1 as the biggest chance in her life; she had the opportunity to work in a top F1 team, with the world champion as her teammate, and in addition this champion was her friend.

And even, he could be her brother.

All of it fueled rumors that their relationship would get worse, after Rey joined the team, but Rey rolled her eyes seeing that headlines. They've raced against each other since they were children, since Formula 3, before Poe went to upper classes. Media and journalists were looking for sensation everywhere. If they could, they would stick their cameras in their anus while drivers were sitting in the cockpit.

‘Everyone loves you anyway, Rey’ said Poe as they walked to the hotel. In the dark Ray Bans, with a broad and a snow-white smile, Dameron looked more like a movie star than an F1 driver. ‘You're just cool. Better than _Galaxy Wars_ tyrant, Kylo Ren.’

Finn choked on the water.

‘Sorry’ he muttered, wiping his mouth with his sleeve. ‘I still can't believe you lived up with him under one roof.’

‘Oh yes’ said Poe, theatrically sliding his glasses over the top of his head. ‘Because, it hasn’t been like, since Leia took me in, Ren didn’t plan to murder me, cook in acid or hit me with his go-kart. Same with Rey.’

Rey bit her lip.

The three of them stood silently in the elevator for a moment, and Rey watched the next floors light up on the dash.

‘And in the end, I'm glad that he cut himself off from our family. It's better that way’ said Poe, breaking the silence.

Out of the blue, faster than her thoughts, Rey replied:

‘Leia wouldn't share your opinion.’

She saw in the mirror the look Poe and Finn gave her. She almost cursed, realising what she has done. She shouldn't have -

‘Rey’ Finn began.

‘Before you say anything’ she said. ‘I'm not defending him. I'm not defending him… _anymore_. He’s a most terrible, wicked person… I… thought I know.’

She looked down, feeling the warmth striking her cheeks.

Over the past few weeks, she threw herself into work, but that didn't mean she didn't remember meeting Ren - Ben - at the Barcelona-Catalunya paddock . She remembered it so much that she could hardly recover.

She hated Kylo Ren; she hated Ben Solo. She hadn’t seen him for so many years, except photos, races in TV. In person, maybe when she had been seeing his far-away figure as he walked through the paddock with the conqueror's strut. That he lost to Poe this year seemed to not be his fault; of course, Poe was brilliant, but Kylo was the driver with an equally impressive talent and not once Rey caught herself being in trance watching him battle on the track, doing almost impossible overtakes, but he seemed to make impossible happen.

Rey, however, forgot how Kylo Ren could, in this strange, almost paranoid way, somehow find a way into her mind, to find the words , which would not only hit her most sensitive points, but the ones that haunted her dreams, her nightmares and they still had some truth to themselves, exposing her deepest fears, the fears that nobody knew.

Except Ren.

_Do you think you know everything you need to know about me? You do? Ah , you do._

_Believe me ... and you will see when you stop being a ... good girl ... they will just get rid of you, how they got rid of me._

Rey gave everything to become an F1 driver. She grew with such legends as Luke and Leia, she grew up watching their races on VHS cassettes. She wanted to be like Luke, like her aunt.

 _Are these really_ your _dreams, Reymont? Or did you just want to be noticed by them?_

A treacherous voice had a soft and deep baritone of Kylo Ren. The voice that questioned everything until she questioned herself.

It was her decision. Hers. She was good at what she was doing. Maybe, maybe all these years of sacrifices, work in the gym, on the simulator, on studying, paid off, but her dreams had a price.

No, she thought. You have no power, you have no power over me -

‘You still don't want to say why you poured your coffee on him’ she heard.

Finn watcher her closely. As her coach, a friend, he was also her confidant as travelling so many months to 5 different continents you needed one, however Rey was certain that some things he had to heard from Poe, who had to share with him Skywalker’s "soap opera".

Rey shrugged.

‘Coincidence’ she tried to make her voice sound casual.

‘Coincidence? That you poured it on him… _twice_?’

The elevator stopped and Rey breathed a sigh of relief. She pulled her suitcase behind her.

‘Yes, twice. _Accidentally.’_

‘Finn is right, Rey.’

Although she walked quickly down the hall toward her room, of course, they had to insist on digging deeper.

‘We know Ren and you –‘

‘There was nothing between us!’ Rey hissed through clenched teeth, turning to them. ‘He laughed at me, bullied, probably planned a murder’ she pointed to Poe. ‘But you know why I defended him ? Because ... because –‘

Her eyes fell on the white hall walls, she lacked words.

God, how she hated herself.

_You know the answer, Rey. You know. Say it._

‘ I was young’ she muttered. ‘And I wanted Leia… to be happy.’

_Liar._

‘I just wanted to fix everything’" she added. ‘Fix ... him.’

Rey looked down.

‘That's all.’

Silence. Overwhelming silence. Rey with the corner of her eye as Poe shook his head and sighed.

‘I know’ he choked out. ‘Just because he doesn't talk to Leia ... it kills her. But also ... in a way ... it's better ... when he's not with…. us.’

Could it be? Their status quo was as unstable as it was false , Rey thought. Kylo ignored them, Leia suffered, everyone else pretended not to suffer because Leia was suffering. And all just because eight years ago -

_It’s your fault._

She clenched her fists.

‘Finn’ she said, inserting the card into the reader. ‘Can you bring me Rose here?’

‘Yes.’

‘And ...’ she began . ‘Maybe make me tea. Green.’

He nodded.

But now, when she saw Rose checking the F1 timetable and how Finn and Poe exchanged looks, she focused all of her attention on heretic drink as if these depths she could see the future of the next day, this day.

She had to remember that she was the driver, she had her first grand prix, but her thoughts kept coming back to Leia - and Leia’s burden was Rey’s burden.

But was there any way to help Leia?

Rey had no idea.

*******

**Albert Park, Melbourne, Australia**

**Saturday, 16 th March 2019**

It was only autumn in Melbourne ; but the sun burned her skin mercilessly, especially when she stood with folded arms on her chest and looked through the dark lenses of her glasses at the full grandstands of Albert Park track. The city made of concrete was buzzing with energy and excitement , which hypocenter was located in the south of the Central Business District. Australians loved racing and Albert Park was the opener of F1 since Rey had remembered.

Rey knew every track of the F1 calendar by heart; just as she knew Albert Park. Although the track was a street circuit and used sections of streets around Albert Park Lake, part of it was rebuilt and now track had fairly smooth surface. It was fast and easy to drive, the location of successive turns allowed to learn and achieve competitive times, but the flat terrain around the lake, coupled with a track design that featured a few true straights, meant that the track wasn’t conducive to overtaking.

Rey particularly liked this circuit; and even after twilight, when the sun stained the sky with the last colors of the day - from yellows, oranges , to roses and blues of aquamarine as well as celadon - turning it slowly into the indigo blue of the night, the black trees’ silhouettes on sky’s canvas and panorama of Melbourne were so stunningly beautiful that they took Rey’s breath away.

Now, the qualifying session was about to begin soon. The sun has long since descended from its zenith, but it seemed that it was focusing its light only on Albert Park’s pit lane.

Rey, as she said, Mercedes FO didn’t show its real pace during the winter tests, because already yesterday, as well as this morning, it was clear that they have a huge advantage over them. Was it an engine? Chassis? Rey, however, felt uncomfortable, feeling that Ferrari was lacking something.

Well, apparently aerodynamics was for people who couldn’t build the engines, but that old philosophy Ferrari shouldn’t take into account in 21st century. And they won the title of drivers' world champion last year, however - the title of constructors’ champion went to Mercedes.

She and Poe were third and fourth during practice session. At P1 and P2 there were always, invariably, REN and HUX.

‘P3 and P4 may be the fastest we can get’ Leia said as they met before qualifying. She stood at the head of the table, leaning her hands on it, but Rey didn’t want to notice that shaking of her wrists and sadness in her words. ‘However, the race is long. Anything can happen, it’s grand prix racing. And we'll be prepared for anything and take any chance we can get.’

‘Poe, Rey’ she said to them. ‘If something happens, you play as a team. We don’t grant you the right to fight for the position. We can't waste time and risk the crash between you two.’

Rey pursed her lips. Everyone seemed too see the second meaning of Leia’s words; everyone remembered the terrible accident between Ren and Hux in Singapore in September last year, which not only ended in the too early firework display, but ended the race for both of the drivers and ultimately was the reason why two months later Poe had enough points to win the title.

‘Understood, ma'am’ Rey whispered and Poe nodded.

F1 was a team sport, but Rey also knew Dameron - he had problems listening to orders and she understood that, she sometimes had the same problems, like most of the Skywalkers.

‘Understand, Rey’ Poe told her. ‘They can say what they want. They don't know what it's like when you're in the cockpit . They only have telemetry and data.’

‘However, Leia has experience and she’s the team principal’ Rey replied. ‘She knows what’s better for the team.’

Poe looked at her. He could say what he wanted, but Rey could see in him, something in his eyes that he shared with Kylo Ren; the same steadfastness, verve, will to fight, something deeper, reflected in the dark abyss of his eyes, spark? Flash? Something. Something _more_ , something _less_ , something _twisted_ , _something -_

 _Is that why you do hate Kylo so much_ , Rey asked herself. _Because you see yourself in him?_

Did she see herself in Kylo?

‘And what will be best for _you_? Poe asked.

‘Doing my best and listening to Leia’she said and Poe took a deep breath.

‘Leia is not infallible’ he murmured.

Rey proudly raised her chin.

‘But I trust her’ she answered harshly. She owed Leia and Luke everything.

She didn't remember much of her childhood. Place of birth, date of birth - everything was later agreed on, not on the base of facts, but on suppositions of the congregation of Sisters of Social Service, somewhere in Budapest, more than 20 years ago, when the Iron Curtain just fell. 

Who were her parents?

_Just an orphan from Eastern Europe, with parents who gave you to the window of life, got drunk to death ._

Kylo’s voice was low, muffled. The color and tone were burnt deep insdie her mind, as every movement of the full lips that uttered the next words.

You are nobody.

**Nothing.**

**Not _hing._**

**_Not_ ** _hing -_

\- Rey.

She blinked and looked up.

Finn stood in the box corridor.

‘You need to warm up before the qualy’ he said as she approached him. ‘Ready?’

Rey looked sideways at the TVs in the box. Leia, sitting at pitwall, just was talking to Holdo holding probably about the strategy, but then – camera changed the scene.

Kylo Ren just ran his fingers through his hair. It must have been too hot in the garage with so many people, because her breath was lost in her throat, her mouth was dry. The scar crossing his cheek stood out briskly against the white skin scattered with beauty marks.

The scar was her doing.

She was there again, 15 again . The voices of Luke, Leia, Han, Uncle Lando, even Poe playing with Chewie were gone. The sparks from the bonfire were hitting the night sky, over and over again, looking like new stars, until they didn’t perish in silent death, before the next sparks weren’t sharing their inescapable fate. Rey seemed to be drowning, that she was surrounded by soft membrane, deforming the real world, reality , twisting it, twisting the sound, image, her sight, senses, mixing them, because - because - it was impossible, no, it couldn’t be possible that she would feel every gentle breeze on her tongue, that she would hear the song of the night around her with her fingertips. It was something more, something that made her tremble despite the bonfire.

Rey couldn't look away even if she wanted to.

Not only the flames melted her skin.

Above the fiery halo of the bonfire, on the other side, she felt his gaze.

Piercing, observant, attentive, _hungry_. The gaze, deep and full of secrets, full of feelings that she didn’t understand. The gaze that dried her lips, the gaze that took her breath away.

She should have looked away then.

[Adrenaline in her veins,

g-force.

This gaze didn't even equal entering Eau Rouge.

5 G, 8 G. Harder and harder - that should frighten her,

not fascinate.]

Now, it was too late.

Echoes of screams, Leia's pleading screams and then loud accusations and, and -

‘Let's go’ Rey said. ‘Let's get ready.’ 

*******

**Albert Park, Melbourne, Australia**

**Saturday, 16 th March 2019**

Q3

1:21.280

She had to do better. She lost over 800 hundredths of a second to the leader of this qualifying session and she knew she could go faster. She had medium tyres, of course, but she wasn't happy.

The F1 car was in many ways easier to drive than this F2 specification. However, there was something else, in terms of brakes, their balance, gas, which she hadn’t yet understood. Leia and Holdo told her not to worry about it getting used to it, but Rey looked with envy at P1's glistening yellow with Poe's name.

P4 KIR.

She shouldn't complain. Adrenaline rumbled under her skin as she sipped a cold drink through the straw, when one of the engineers leaned over and explained to her where she could improve the time when mechanics were warming her tyres.

‘ _You are doing well_ ’ she heard Leia's voice on the radio. ‘ _Remember, you are already in Q3_.’

Rey put down the water bottle and closed her eyes, listening to the overwhelming chaos of the Skywalker Ferrari garage. She wondered if, right now, in a different time zone, in the morning, Luke was sitting in front of the telly, with Chewie on his lap and watching her.

‘ _You are ready to leave_.’

‘Thank you.’

The qualy were divided into three parts: Q1, Q2 and Q3 - in Q1 and Q2 the 5 slowest drivers were eliminated and in Q3 the last 10 fought for pole position.

Albert Park, like no other track, held an unrivaled sense of optimism. Rey left again the box, watching the of the rivals on the timed lap before she could start her own.

[Breathe. Just breathe. Now reach out. What do you see? ]

The first straight, when speed pushes you back to the cockpit seat, turn 1. Turn 2, again the same power, power, speed.

[ 90 ° right hander taken at 90km / engine braking on entry: crucial. ]

[Rhythm, is all about the rhythm.]

[When you hit the apex of turn 3, you also need to have a good engine pick-up on the exit as it immediately leads into a quick left-right flick: if the driver misses the exit the rhythm is compromised.]

The fuelling at the exit of the T3 in Albert Park is the key , Luke’s words echoed in her mind. At this speed, everything should be blurry, but Rey had long known that the driver's eye was not the eye of a mere mortal.

Maybe that's why she loved racing - balancing on the brink of life and death; she was like a god, but the time was her true enemy.

[ There has to be appropriate fuel in the combustion chamber to make sure the engine will produce the needed power. It also needs to be ignited quickly so the quantity has to be completely correct. ]

 _Rhythm, rhythm_ , _it's all about the rhythm_ , thought Rey.

She passed one of Renaults, before she headed to the double corner, 11 and 12 turns, the fastest turns on the circuit, taken at 225km / h with the speed largely carried through. After exiting turn 11 she quickly downshifted to fifth gear, but she was still very aggressive on the throttle application. G-forces pushed her to the right, like the whole car, but Rey new the SF19 more than it's livery. She was there, when this car came to life, at its, her birth - she knew this car’s heart and what SF19 is capable of.

Next - turns 15 and 16, linked as an extended chicane. The key point was to not brake too late into T15, which could definitely mess up T16. Ferrari engineers worked hard on giving her a good balance by delivering the right level of overrun support into T15; keeping the engine torque stable when she, Rey Király, their driver was off-throttle and on the brakes.

The exit of turn 16 was tricky as she wasn’t at full throttle until fourth gear, instead dancing and hovering around in third as she tried to get the power down.

And again - straight, end of the lap. Rey had already seen the black and white checkered flag marking the end of the session, the familiar livery of the second Skywalker Ferrari, Williams, Renault, Mercedes -

‘ _P3, Rey, P3_!’

Connix's voice on the radio was filled with joy.

‘Poe? Rey asked, breathless on the radio. ‘P1?’

She was still driving, looking at the filled grandstands, at the sun sparkling in the waters of Albert Park Lake. She should be happy, P3 for the rookie was an amazing performance, but she could, she could give more.

‘ _Ren won pole position. Poe P2_.’

Rey frowned.

‘Thanks’ she whispered.

She had already at the first finish line when the number plates were already set up. She was the last, because at 1 and 2 there were two cars – a black and silver Mercedes and a red Ferrari.

She unfastened the seat belt, removed the steering wheel and stepped out of the coffin, turning immediately.

Her heart was beating in her chest.

‘Here you have, your cap’ Finn told her, when she gave him her helmet and balaclava. ‘Great qualy, peanut.’

‘Your boyfriend had better one’ she whispered and Finn frowned and opened was already opening his mouth, when the loud cheers of the crowd, as well as the journalist's voice multiplied by the microphone, tore the silence.

‘Rey, come here to us.’

She didn't even have to come to him as the reporter was already by her side.

‘Wonderful, great qualifications, what a debut. However ... you don't look satisfied.’

Rey sighed and brushed half the sweaty hair back from her face and said:

‘I feel I can do more’ she began. ‘However, this is just a qualy, tomorrow it’s the real fight for everything. I hope to give my best.’

‘Do you think you can beat these gentlemen? he asked.

Rey's throat went dry when - when the dark figure, completely dressed in a black racing suit, looked at her with dark eyes.

‘ ... yes’ she replied. ‘I can.’

‘You don't have to worry about her’ said Poe and patted the journalist on the shoulder. ‘She’s the beast.’

She couldn't hear anything anymore; her ears were heavy again, denser than the heart of the star. The man's dark eyes, looking at her from under the shadow of a black cap, from under the curls of black hair, hypnotized her.

She won't give it to him.

Rey looked away.

*******

Evenings during the grand prix weekend were different. The whole F1 environment was in a way hostile - three days, enough for new rumors, new “news”, breaking news to appear.

Rey also always ate every dinner with Leia.

‘I called Luke’ the woman said, slowly cutting pieces of meat with royal dignity. ‘He's proud of you. You did very well.’

‘Thank you’ Rey whispered.

It was quiet, the only sounds that came to Rey were the loudspeakers of the air-conditioning. A bright golden glow tainted the sky around Melbourne.

‘All the… things you pointed out during the tests in Barcelona… your intuition and accuracy is the reason why we are so faster this year’ Leia blazoned out.

‘But Mercedes is faster.’

Leia put the cutlery down.

‘Rey.’

‘I talked today ... with Poe. I heard ... your conversation ... with Luke ... about Kylo ... Ben’ Rey corrected herself.

Leia looked away.

‘Luke’s right. But… I don't want ... I don't want to give up.’

Rey bit her lip.

‘I don't know if there’s… something left of Ben… in Kylo.’

Leia took a deep breath.

‘He sold his soul to the devil’ she whispered. ‘Signed the stupid cyrograph with that… Russian devil, Snokovich. He took Ben from me, but ...’

‘He just wanted to fulfill his dream, Leia’ Rey whispered.

Ben's conversations with Luke and his mother who told him that he was already too tall for racing and that his dreams of being a driver are finished. Rey, who heard this and thought how lucky she was, but what would she feel if Luke and Leia would tell her the same?

 _You are defending him. Again,_ thought Rey. _Again._

‘I just want to ... talk to him’ Leia whispered. ‘Even once.’

Rey started cutting her meat furiously, biting her cheek until suddenly -

‘Rey?’

The girl blinked and straightened up.

‘I ... nothing’ she whispered. ‘…nothing.’

However, a sudden thought, an idea, would not leave her alone as she slid under the cold blanket an hour later.

Kylo made a deal with the devil, Leia said.

And what if she did ... the same? Would she make a deal with him ...?

For Leia, she added quickly in her thoughts, as if she was afraid someone would hear her.

 _No,_ she thought. _No._

_But you’re the only one that Kylo would even consider listening to._

_You know it._

Rey shook her head.

‘No’ she gulped. ‘No.’

Pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath and sloth.

Some sins were original sins, some were deadly. 

Some of them were unforgivable. 

Only Rey didn't know what she couldn't forgive.

Or rather she knew - she was just too proud to admit it, even to herself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ending notes, aka AG’s aunt Wiki time:
> 
> G-Force, is a physical force equivalent to one unit of gravity that is multiplied during rapid changes of direction or velocity such as during acceleration and braking. We live in a three-dimensional world, using three axes to describe the space around us. In F1 terms, the longitudinal X-axis lies along the car, the lateral Y-axis is across the car and the vertical Z-axis runs from top to bottom.
> 
> G-Force can be broken down into
> 
> • longitudinal acceleration - experienced when braking or accelerating  
> • lateral acceleration - while cornering  
> • vertical acceleration - caused by bumps, kerbs or change of gradient in the circuit
> 
> So, in general, actually drivers are pulling nearly 50 kg of weight at that single corner 44 times during the course of the entire race sometimes. And people have the audacity to say they aren’t real athletes, lol. 
> 
> Eau Rouge – the corner at Spa track, probably the most known corner in whole motorsport world. Really beautiful, actually. 
> 
> Pit lane – the lane of teams’ garages, you can find it at every track.
> 
> Pitwall – like the place where team principal, team strategist, race engineers sit during the race. 
> 
> I mean, if there will be any questions, be free to ask. I just hope y’all enjoy this story.
> 
> Take care of yourself and see you later!
> 
> PS if you don't know Angela Carter, please look her up. Woman is the most underrated GENIUS OF WHOLE 20TH CENTURY.


	5. Chapter 4: The Wolf

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there. I’m back with a new chapter, but before you will start reading, I feel I gotta set some things clear. 
> 
> This fic will definitely have more chapters just only 10. I just put this number, so definitely, there will be more. At this moment, we brainstorm this story with my gf and I guess, I try to have a break from my other projects so I write what like, inspires me? Like let it flow, flow. 
> 
> (my other projects are, like f1 saga I’ve been plotting with my gf since 2017, lol)
> 
> As a writer, I’m more a psychological one. I love psychology, why people do stuff, etcetera, blah blah blah. I’m really interested in critical theory and that’s why I lovehate Angela Carter’s works. I’m also highly experimental and I seek to blur the lines between prose and poetry, trying to integrate poetry (especially concrete poetry) into my writing.
> 
> I treat “driven” as an experiment. If you’re not a fan of weird prose, sorry, it’s not a fanfic for you. I write it for me and my gf (more for her) and this chapter is probably a bit different from others, but for me it’s very important to show different part of Rey’s and Kylo’s psyche. It’s also heavily inspired by Carter’s writing as well as Neil Jordan’s 1984 movie (based on Carter’s script) “The Company of Wolves”. 
> 
> Seriously guys, check it out. It’s amazing. I take this story slow as I try to manage also uni work (my Spanish teacher takes “Spanish or vanish” literally) and enjoy writing.
> 
> Sorry for this long intro, but you know, it takes time. To write. To brainstorm. I don’t say that to get kudos or comments, but to understand that writers – fanfics or not fanfics ones – really give you not only their work, but part of their lives they dedicate to write things you read. I’ve been writing since I was 5. I’ve been writing original fiction since I was 14, finished my first novel at 15. My last 3 books weren’t read by more than 4 people. I’m writing this fanfic, because I just want to share the story I had in my head, story that I’m writing for someone I love and if I can make someone happy with it too, it’s amazing.
> 
> Spread the love, people! If you see something amazing, tell that person they are amazing. The world needs more kindness!
> 
> I’m so so sorry for this long intro, ladies and gentlemen. Just ignore me and scroll down, it’s your decision. Enjoy this weird Chapter 4! I really hope you will like it. 
> 
> PS I give you the link to the "driven" playlist: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLaX7lYzfeohzt5SyhBwW-RdcxnoWee6e7
> 
> For this chapter, I mainly listened to two songs:  
> 1\. George Fenton - The Message (The main theme from The Company of Wolves [1984])  
> 2\. Florence + The Machine - Drumming Song
> 
> Enjoy the chapter, y'all!

> Little girls, this seems to say; never stop upon your way!
> 
> Never trust a Stranger friend, no-one knows how it will end.
> 
> As you're pretty, so be wise, wolves may lurk in every guise!
> 
> Now as then, 'tis simple truth, sweetest tongue has sharpest tooth.
> 
> \- Charles Perrault, _Little Red Riding Hood_

[When he was little, his mother used to tell him fairy tales. Little Red Riding Hood, Beauty and the Beast. Sleeping Beauty. Kylo was often irritated, because he didn't want to hear stories for girls - these stories would be good for Rey, maybe even Poe, but Leia Organa seemed stubborn in repeating them over and over again how Little Red Riding Hood defeated the wolf, Hansel and Gretel pushed the witch in the oven or how Rapunzel let her long hair down the tower, as if in these childish stories there was something important - ancient wisdom and warning? - she wanted to pass on to her sons, because Kylo was no longer an only child, Poe Dameron officially had the status of his brother, more, his mother's favorite status.]

~~[Rey’s favourite stautus.]~~

The past was not something that he liked to think about. There was no Ben, Benoit Solo in Kylo Ren.

Kylo Ren had no past, he had a future and a purpose.

Purpose simple and bright.

[Perhaps he was blaming his mother for all this - for having to leave Austin, torn from his place of birth, brought up in another country that had never been his home, in a home where he was more often with a guardian or without parents. Kylo told himself that he didn't care. He was no longer Ben Solo. ]

He wanted to become a world champion.

~~[He was weak and foolish like his father, so I destroyed him.]~~

[ Over the years, he realized that these fairy tales were not as innocent as he thought, and each of them has a hidden agenda, a different meaning and ending, meaning completely inappropriate for children.]

The Australian Grand Prix was a success. Hat-trick, as Kylo would put it. Pole position, race victory and the fastest lap. Kylo remembered those last moments before the start of the race, when the team members were still inspecting the car. He remembered the taste of water, cold, with a hint of lime, a world that was dimmed behind the lenses of his sunglasses, all the waves of reporters, cameras, photo, photos, all looking -

[Completely inappropriate for children.]

Inhale and exhale, inhale and exhale. Everything was in slow-motion, when he was crouching down next to the fence that separated the track from the pit lane, in the shadow of the umbrella, warming his wrists, hearing the sounds of the world fading into music from his headphones.

[Was his mother even aware about _what_ fairy tales were really about? Kylo was shocked to remember the moment when he read the origin, the true ending, meaning of these stories. He knew now that he wouldn’t look at any of them in the same way anymore, because in every word, in every event, yes, changed over the centuries, from terrible beginnings, from dark and confusing stories, certainly not for children, he saw true agenda, subtext, god, he saw the truth.]

Hux wasn’t satisfied with his qualys, and if he was dissatisfied, Kylo was pleased. However, the awareness that he was starting from the first row with Dameron, with Rey behind him, was eating him away.

[Rey in Ferrari red, _rosso corsa_ , looked like Little Red Riding Hood.]

He hated how close Rey and Dameron were after so many years. He hated Dameron that if it wasn't for him, maybe, no, certainly _everything_ would be different.

Snoke was right that Rey was his weakness. Whether he was Ben Solo or Kylo Ren. Once he didn’t understand why she rejected him so much, she preferred Dameron, let her be. Kylo was always blamed for everything. He was ridiculed by his peers, rejected by his own family and had enough. He didn’t need them for last 8 years, he was free.

[Kylo was the wolf.]

The race was ... perfect. Kylo was the leader from the beginning to to the end, he had the advantage of more than 12 seconds over Dameron, who later on was overtaken by Hux. Kylo had the feeling that he drove in a trance, the whole race, lap after lap.

[There was a time when he came to the realization that this hunger, which devoured him, every day, every night, every now and then, every second, now, wasn’t only the hunger, the thirst for the victory, thirst or hunger.]

The taste of champagne, splashed out from the bottle, when the crowd cheered for him under the podium. Winning was like a drug and Kylo was hooked on it.

[The wolf was not just a wolf.]

[It was a symbol.]

However, all the adrenaline disappeared as the track gradually emptied, when the mechanics covered his car, they started to de-construct the entire garage for the next round. 

[The wolf didn't eat Little Red Riding Hood.]

[Not literally.]

Kylo remembered Rey's eyes after qualifying. Her fear, this hatred, but above all -

[Grandma warned Little Red Riding Hood to not to talk to strangers in the forest.]

 _You will live a lie_ , he wanted to shout at Rey. 

_Live lies about you, their lies, the lies they made up and forced to live? Is that who you want to be? Their lie?_

[She warned her so Little Red Riding Hood wouldn’t be fooled...

[seduced.]

He hated Rey Kiraly because she rejected all her potential for who she should be. That she rejected the truth, him - that she rejected the truth, that she and he were the same.

She turned he eyes away, Kylo but knew the truth. He knew Rey, even if she claimed he didn’t.

[consume

eat

devour]

There will be a moment when she won’t look away. When she will finally accept the truth.

[annihilate her]

[whole.]

And Kylo is going to make this happen as soon as possible.

*******

The time seemed to be a concept that was no longer relative. When she was sitting in the cockpit, she fought it. Milliseconds seemed to be seconds, seconds to be minutes - and minutes seemed to be the eternity. But when she looked at Melbourne disappearing among the clouds, resembling a toytown more than a real city, time passed into a strange state of stagnation, inertia, constancy that she felt only during long flights.

There was something unreal about being on a plane at night. Violets, blues of phone’s screens of people couldn’t sleep, others unconscious, with irregular breathing, snoring. Stewardess walking between the chairs, asking if you need anything, heavy eyelids, but not so heavy that you felt the dream was coming. Constancy and ametamorphicity that has no end, eternity in a fraction of the worldliness they left behind.

Rey had never used private flights - she knew that her job certainly didn’t bring good to the planet’s environment, but when she could, she chose passenger flights. Poe told her that he was a crazy, but Rey was extremely stubborn in this regard. Rarely anyone paid attention to her anyway; she was no beauty in any meaning, he didn’t stand out, and when she spent over 12 hours flight in a tracksuit, with no make-up and a cap on her head, there was no one to recognize her as a famous racing driver.

12 hours alone with her thoughts. Of course, she could watch TV series, sleep, but in the end, she was alone - alone with the chaos that was now screaming in her mind.

In qualy, she got P3. She started from the second row. Not bad.

However, her dropping to P4, ending the race outside the podium - was something else.

Perhaps she and Poe were lucky or Hux had some problems. However, when the race came about, Mercedes just _crushed them._

Rey didn’t see that kind of engine power. Mercedes FO wasn’t just getting ready for the next season; it was war.

The war she was afraid of losing.

The past was past. She had to focus on the next race, clear her mind.

However, Kylo Ren had already found the way to her mind and it didn’t look like he would leave her anywhere soon.

The thought that came to her, an idea, was spreading alike poison, cancer, poisoning her, weakening. Sometimes Rey was certain that she had already made up her mind to just shake her head a second later, feeling breathless, guiltlessly backing away from that decision. How could she even think about it? If... if Poe, who already was suspecting something was going between her and Ren, but if he would find out, if Luke finds out -

_You are not the kind girl you want to be taken for._

'Rey' Luke cocked his head as Rey, already tired, dragged the suitcase behind her. ‘You look... bad.’

‘Flight... I didn't sleep at all’ she admitted. 12 hours when she was battling herself, when she was reviewing her notes, when she drove, how many mental laps on the Bahrain track? Her anxiety didn’t leave her alone. 'Not at all.'

Luke frowned, watching her closely. Rey made her face to wear a weary, neutral expression, when in fact, her heart was rumbling in her chest, driving her crazy, like some sort of drumming, drumming song, not one, but of two hearts.

No wonder The Master descended into madness, thought Rey. She have loved Doctor Who since she remembered, but during the last years she realized she understood more and more Master's, Missy's intentions sometimes ... she understood them better than Doctor's ones.

Besides her and Uncle Luke there was no one, as they drove through the deserted road in the break of dawn. Luke hummed softly as Rey felt her eyelids become heavy, heavier, more _and more…_

... _the forest was_ _a_ _dark_ matrix when she ran, breathless, deeper and deeper towards its heart. Her every step destroyed the fragile whiteness of snow, the snow that was swirling in the air, hitting her face, immediately melting after the contact with her skin, sprinkling her red cape quivering like a banner on the violent wind.

The dark pine trunks melted together, her run had a purpose; she couldn't look behind, even if, she didn't need to know that if she did, it would be over. In this, in this sleeping forest, no - dead under the powder of snow - was now her only shelter, flight -

 _-_ _a trap._

The silence that reigned in this ice-cold ancient wood was torn apart by the cruel howl of a wolf.

She wasn't alone.

Something, something, persistently, incessantly, even if she was keying in this dark labyrinth, was following her.

The worst beast of all.

The man.

She had no idea how it would end; she was afraid, she was afraid of not the dark figure hunting her, she was afraid of what would happen when - because it would happen, it was inevitable – it would get her.

However, she continued to run, stumbling, a taste of blood in her mouth as she climbed between fallen tree trunks, uphill, between black rocks.

_f a s_ t e r, f a ster - 

_r_

_e_

h

g

i

h 

_hi_ gher

The howl of the wolf, quick steps.

He was close.

_Too close._

She screamed when she lost her balance, pulled down. She fell on the snow, into it, into soft-white eiderdown. It was the end - but does not she expect this end from the beginning? 

And she still ran away.

In an instant she was turned over.

She felt snow melting under her, wetting her array underneath. However, she wasn't cold – the wolf’s body was heavy , it was warm, so warm that it burnt her skin.

The dark eyes, blind eyes. Two abysses. Around the pale-white face, if not the negative of the night sky, scattered with stars of beauty marks, there was a halo of raven black curls. A red-black slash marked the line of his right cheek, but the gore was already drying, darkening in the arid meanders. The lips, full as the reddening moon above them, cut with deep furrows, were so chapped she could see blood coming from the breaks. His face had nothing human in it. It was animal, emotionless, but most atavistic with emotions, which made her flee and him to hunt her.

He was wild like the nature around them, was the same personification of anger, brutality of Mother Nature, like a son wanting to avenge the crime done to his mother, all hungry and insatiable.

She was therefore his revenge.

She should have fought. Do anything. It was repeated to her.

_Never let yourself be caught. Do not look in the wolf's eyes._

_The wolf will eat you._

His breath was so hot against her skin, he was so hot against her body. The snow had to melt around them, she was so wet when – he, the wolf, man-wolf, shifted between her legs, so a quiet, desperate moan escaped her parted, cold-dried lips.

The claws tightened on her wrists, surprisingly gentle in their violence and extremely violently for such delicacy. She never thought a wolf would be able to be so gentle, but so suggestive in his want. A deep murmur came from depth of his chest, dissatisfied, impatient, demanding, but something told her no, violent though he was, he wouldn't do her harm, if she says no, he will leave her.

All she had to do is ask.

She didn't even have to think. She knew what _he wanted_ -

She wanted it too.

He stared at her for a long time until - with astonishment - she beheld that tears gathered in the corners of his eyes. 

She never thought that a wolf could cry.

A tear flowed down her cheek, the heat that radiated between them made the blond on the wolf's face flow again.

The bloodtear fell on her white lips. 

The wolf's eyes fell there too.

The hunger screamed itself hoarse from his eyes.

The hunger she felt as well.

She closed her eyes when the shadow of his lips, his breath brushed her cheek and cheekbone. She couldn't breathe anymore, her other heart was beating against his chest, his heat was crushing her, but she, she wanted this destruction. She already felt wetness between her thighs, legs, his weight there, shifting, growing, pushing against her.

He was so close now that their lips were only one breath apart. She licked her lips - the blood tasted of iron and metal.

'Do not fight this' the wolf spluttered, voice so violent and gentle at the same time. 'You can’t hide from me. I will find you. Always.'

His thumbs brushed her wrists, making her tremble. The wolf leant over to her ear.

'I know you better than anyone of your people. I know your true nature' he said. 

'You're not like them as I wasn't like them either. Give in, give in to truth. Give in to... _me_.'

He moved away, looking at her, waiting. She couldn't breathe anymore. She only could look at him, her thoughts decaying in chaos, her humanity, common sense, logic turning into, oh my lord, turning into, into, into -

'Y... ye-yes' she whispered. 'Yes.'

And, after saying these words, the wolf fell upon her, and ate her all up as she did eat him too.

Rey jumped, hitting her head against the car window. The panic flooded her - oh god - she felt it, between her thighs, felt her cheeks pinking when -

'Rey.'

She was in the car, she was with Uncle Luke, she was...

‘I had to... fall asleep’ she choked out. ‘Pardon me.’

Luke looked at her, a deep furrow of furrowed between his eyebrows.

‘Did you have a bad dream?’ he asked.

The whole world was melting in the glare of the sun, but Rey recognized the road - they would be home soon, but all that gold of the morning, contrasting with her dream, made her close her eyes.

Ben. Kylo. She dreamt about him.

And this -

‘I... yes’ she muttered. ‘I had a... strange dream.’

She squeezed her legs together, feeling another shiver remembering suddenly the shadow of hot breath. Again, it was starting again. Again. She couldn’t let him to haunt her so much, it wasn’t, it was unnatural, but yes, yes -

It felt so right.

'Rey...?'

She couldn't look Luke in the eye.

'Yes?'

'I do not know if… But Poe told me that you and... Kylo ... you had... some quarrel.'

Rey was silent.

'Rey.'

‘It's... nothing, uncle’ she whispered. ‘Nothing. I’ve explained it to Poe. And... I learnt my lesson, okay? I don't defend him, it's...'

She fell silent at Luke's gaze.

‘You don't have to explain yourself’ he whispered. ‘You’re so strong, Rey. You always were. Each of us thought that maybe... we could save him. But it's too late. And Leia...'

She can't let it go, Rey finished in her thoughts.

"I know," Rey replied, looking away.

She wasn’t that strong. Luke wouldn’t say that if he knew her thoughts.

_I know your true nature._

Her hand tightened on the phone. She was still thinking about the idea that was born in her head, but she was so scared, scared -

Of what? That Kylo won't agree?

Was she more afraid that he would agree?

 _I'm not a coward_ , Rey thought. It wasn't only Leia anymore - Kylo Ren in her mind blurred on a border of not being a human, but a symbol. Rey could talk to him, but still, Ren somehow found a way to poison her thoughts, her dreams, because she couldn’t free herself from him.

Rey had to talk to him, not just for Leia's sake.

For her sake.

Kylo Ren was only human, only human.

When a few days later she packing her suitcases to Bahrain, looking at the departure board, she already knew what she would do.

When the wolf was at your door, you could run away.

Or you could face him.

And Rey was done running away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed the chapter! Good things are coming - will Kylo accept Rey offer? Stay tuned ;)
> 
> If you have any questions, wanna show some love or hate, comment. I will always try to reply :)
> 
> Take care of yourself!


	6. Chapter 5: Bona/mala fide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably you are shocked to see so fast update, but believe me, I am more shocked than all of you. I guess, I had two good days for writing, I squeezed my ass into the work and viola –
> 
> Here comes the chapter no6.
> 
> We will finally, finally going into *that* scene, y’all. I cannot wait. I really cannot wait. Really, the worst thing about writing are these build up scenes. But I hope it was worth it. 
> 
> And – I hit 20k! It’s now the longest fanfic I have ever written. Hurray! Thank to all of you – YOU! – reading this words, thank you!
> 
> (really who even wants to read F1 reylo AU??? Duh, my gf so here we go)
> 
> I hope y’all will enjoy this chapter!
> 
> PS I give you the link to the "driven" playlist if you are interested:  
> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLaX7lYzfeohzt5SyhBwW-RdcxnoWee6e7  
> (in other words, all boom-boom lady gaga’s songs that reminds my gf and me of reylo)
> 
> For this chapter, I mainly listened to this songs:  
> 1\. Nick Jonas – Jealous  
> 2\. Sue Ellen – Enjoy the Silence  
> 3\. Lady Gaga - Judas  
> 4\. Andrzej Kurylewicz – Lalka Intro (the main theme from 1977 Polish TV series based on Bolesław Prus’ novel, “The Doll” [really don’t judge me, maybe I had an idea for a fic here dunno])
> 
> PS to PS: thanks to my gf (90spopstargirl on tumblr) for this amazing edit! I love you, babe!
> 
> Enjoy the chapter, y'all!

> I am entirely alone. I and my shadow fill the universe.
> 
> ― Angela Carter, _The Infernal Desire Machines of Doctor Hoffman_

Kylo frowned slightly hearing Hux's voice, who definitely planned the annihilation of a poor staff girl.

'You don't understand that soy milk and normal milk make a difference? You could have killed me!’

Kylo wouldn't complain if Hux were killed. At least, he wouldn’t have to do it with his own bare hands.

‘No... you didn’t say, sir, you didn’t… no... wanted... soy milk’ the girl said.

Hux's face was red like his hair.

‘Of course I said I did!’

‘No, you didn't say’ Kylo muttered, taking a sip of his espresso. Of course, without milk, normal or soy one.

Hux turned to him like Kylo’s voice stung him. All in all, thinking that his face and hair had already the color of ponceau, he looked like a baked crab.

’Pardon me, Ren. What did you just say?’

Kylo glanced at the cameraman who was trying to save himself by cleaning the camera lens. Mitaka, his assistant and press officer, looked like he desperately wanted to be anywhere else, not in one room with Kylo and Hux.

Thursday has always been a media day. Interviews for fifty stations, reporters who had so much audacity to ask you such questions that the only answer you ever wanted was to give them was a good punch in the face (not that Kylo had ever considered it). Kylo spent a good hour in the " F1 yard", going from one pile of microphones to another, which gemmated like mushrooms after rain.

The press knew not to ask questions about his "former" family. Snoke made it clear to them, but when Rey joined Skywalker Ferrari, the reporters and the media became more and more intrusive, like sharks looking for sensation, blood, and if they couldn't sniff it, they wanted to shed it.

When he saw Rey in the distance, giving her interview, along with that short Asian at her side, Rose Tico, even wearing this awful "typical" F1 driver outfit off the track (read: team t-shirt, team cap, terrible beige shorts, watch on her wrist and sport shoes) he barely was able to look away.

She could dress like a typical tomboy, cut her hair short, but Kylo knew that no one was mistaken by this look; how many men and women turn their heads when Rey walked through the paddock? How many times did Kylo have to refrain from walking up to them and culturally communicate with his fist that no one has the right to look at her _that_ way? Rey never appreciated that because why? She didn’t know what those boys were like, that he was trying to protect her - from those looks, because they never looked at her like she was a real person, but rather a beautiful thing that could be used and then thrown away.

The whole point of the problem was that neither his mother nor Luke looked at her like she was a real person.

They looked at her like she was an investment. Dameron was an investment. He was too.

They were all an investment, a promotional machine of the great family of Solo-Organa-Skywalker drivers.

Rey's laughter echoed through the orange lights of the lamps and palm leaves in the paddock. Even with dusk, the girl had to be radiant like she was the sun.

The scar on his cheek ached with pale pain, perhaps phantom one, when he looked away, remembering the humiliation when she poured her fake coffee on him.

He knew that this decaf coffee was Dameron's job. His Rey loved real coffee. Latte, espresso, americano. And in recent years, he has seen - even from a distance - how Luke and his mother, all Ferrari, groom her to _their_ wishes. And she let then. She was their product; perfect Saint Virgin Rey of Scuderia Skywalker Ferrari.

‘Do you have a problem understanding English, Hux?’ Kylo asked. ‘Don't torment the poor girl for your own stupidity. I heard you ordered milk, so don't act like a fucking dick. Right, Mitaka?’

'What?'

Well, his assistant really looked like he was experiencing a nervous breakdown. To be honest, the cameraman too.

‘We have a little time’ he said. ‘To record this... video.’

"Oh, how long does this video can be?’ Hux snapped. ‘Stupid video, 3 minutes, answering fan questions. Oh, I don't give a fucking damn about this.’

‘So, indeed, it’s a fuckin’ miracle you have fans being such an asshole’ Kylo murmured and felt Hux's gaze falling on him almost immediately.

‘Oh, Ren, because you are also an audience’s favorite, especially after this memewave where it looks like you pissed yourself.’

Fuck, yeah, sometimes Hux could provide a good riposte.

’What, Ren? But isn’t it that Skywalker's little girl had beaten you?’ he added.

Kylo bit his cheek from the inside, forcing his face to remain neutral. He knew that Hux knew that Rey Király had always been his weak point and he pointed it out at every possible opportunity. The key was not to show that it was affecting him.

He slowly put the cup down on the table. In the entire room - already deserted for recording purposes, except for the poor victims in the form of the cameraman, Mitaka and the staff girl - there was silence.

Kylo stood up, feeling four pairs of eyes on him. Hux's face, not so red, had a nasty smile. He came up to him, and Hux didn't look away from him.

‘If you had a brain, it'd die of loneliness’ Kylo said quietly.

Hux blinked.

'Pardon?'

‘Should I repeat it in English? Russian? In Spanish? Moronish?’ Kylo was looking down at him. ‘You're sweating like a whore in church.’

Hux choked.

‘I'm sorry, but, Ren, what the fuck are talking about?’

Kylo rose his finger at him.

‘Don’t be that little bitch and leave me be. Talk about my private life once again - ’

‘We all know you’re a damn virgin-’

He didn't finish, because Kylo grabbed him by the shirt, pulling him up.

‘Hey, hey, don't!’ shouted Mitaka. "No fighting!’

'You fuckin’ bitch’ drawled Kylo.

Hux laughed.

‘Well, isn't that sweet. Snoke knows it, everyone knows it. And I remember... how you looked at her when we were children. Only she... ‘

Kylo's fingers tightened on Hux's shirt. His eye must have gone crazy.

‘She never wanted you. And you waited. You are _still_ waiting.’

‘Please, we need to record this video... if Snoke finds out –‘

‘Shut up' Kylo and Hux said at the same time and then at once looked at each other.

Kylo let him go and stepped back.

‘Sure Dameron made a pass at her long time ago’ Hux whispered.

Hux had no idea what was happening that day, eight years ago. Kylo knew that Dameron had always seen Rey as his younger sister, because even that was the reason why he threw himself at Kylo, but if... the feelings could change, so what if it was that Finn guy or Andor, or, or...

Without thinking, Kylo grabbed his coffee cup and threw it against the wall. Of course, the paper cup made practically no sound but the pathetic "pac" and the fact that some coffee had spilled onto the black floor, so Kylo, already in total fury, grabbed the chair and threw it.

‘Good Lord, Ren, you’re insane!’ shouted Hux.

‘Go fuck yourself’ hissed Kylo. ‘I won't record this stupid video.’

‘Snoke will fuck you up for that' he heard Hux saying when he was heading towards the exit.

‘I don't care’ Kylo replied and slammed the door behind him.

*******

It turned out that he cared. And he definitely cared, when he and Hux were called to Snoke’s office in the evening, following their fight.

Yep. Fuckity fucking fuck.

‘Rather, although I really don't want to intervene in your important... pathetic verbal skirmishes, I can't leave it without intervention.’

At this time - since long past 9 pm, there was hardly anyone in the paddock. Only a few garages still had fluorescent lights on, and team mechanics and engineers were refining the last things before tomorrow's practice sessions.

Snoke's office was in the hospitality of Mercedes FO, every team had one, and if Kylo hated the paddock, the paddock club, he hated the hospitality the most. Each grand prix was inseparably connected with the fact that, unfortunately, you had to meet with VIPs, fat fishes and potential team sponsors.

Kylo remembered that - when he was Ben Solo - when he was sometimes with his parents, still in the Ferrari’s hospitality, he had to smile at people, talk, be just the exemplary son of Leia Organa and Han Solo, the nephew of the great Luke Skywalker.

He escaped somewhat from one mask to another - Kylo Ren also had to talk to the sponsors, not necessarily smile, but in some ways he was as limited as Ben Solo before. The one difference was that Ben Solo's career path in single-seaters was ended long before it could start and Kylo Ren had future.

The man who sat in front of him, his boss and manager at the same time, was the only reason he was in F1 after all. However, all this tinsel, bubble, increasing pressure from the media - because Kylo was the only driver who didn’t have social media - deterred him. At such moments he missed karting, clean, beautiful racing, not politics and big money.

And F1 was built on them.

‘I don't have to remind you, my dears, that both of your contracts are ending this season.’

Snoke played with the pen, balancing it on his long, scarred fingers. In his youth, as far as Kylo knew and learned himself, Snoke drove in Formula Ford and suffered a near-bold accident at the 24 Hours Nürburgring, which – like in café of Niki Lauda - had left him injured for life.

'I must admit that I'm sick of your stupid little war when we fight for double championship titles. Thanks to you both, cretins’ ”Snoke pointed out. ‘Ferrari got these two points that you morons lost during Singapore and won the driver’s title.’

Kylo felt his eye twitch, Hux raised his eyebrows and moved uneasily in his chair.

‘And what was the reason for your fight today? Soy milk?’

'Rather about this little scavenger Skywalker took in and now drives for Ferrari' replied Hux.

Kylo fought his face, making it wear a natural, dead expression.

'Oh, her' said Snoke, his voice unnaturally nonchalant. Kylo clenched his hands, away from their sight.

'They adopted this girl for the whole media buzz, one cannot deny her talent. Didn’t she beat you, Hux in Formula 3? "

Kylo glanced at his team mate, who grimaced.

‘Pure. Luck.’

‘Well, maybe’ Snoke murmured. ‘I've already given you some warnings, boys. If you don't stop, one of you will be just kicked out from their seats. Who? I have no idea. Yet.'

‘Who knows, maybe this girl will replace one of you. Maybe we can get her into the team if you will continue on letting me down.’

Kylo and Hux looked at each other.

For a moment, Kylo saw Rey instead of Hux there. The thought of being her team mate, in Mercedes FO, obligated to travel with him, to give interviews, that she would be _with him_.

After all this years, when he really wanted to do it _with her_.

He has given everything he have to Snoke to be in F1, to Snoke, after this night, 8 years ago. But he wasn’t sure if he wanted Rey to be in this place - with him, close to Hux, to Snoke.

Not at this price.

He blinked, surprised by his thought.

‘So, remember my words, boys. I also implement team orders from now. Go against the team like you did in Singapore, and your every decision, every move you make... "

Kylo barely breathed.

‘Remember why you are in F1. It can be your last season’ whispered Snoke. ‘And what you would do next? WEC? Formula E maybe? _Please_.'

‘That's it’ he said, putting down the pen. 'Tomorrow you have a briefing at 9.'

Hux jumped up almost immediately, Kylo sat still.

‘Good night’ said Hux.

‘Yes, sleep well’ Snoke murmured, but Kylo couldn't help but hear the sarcasm. He also slowly got up, Hux was closing the door himself, when Kylo heard Snoke's voice.

‘Bам лучше присесть.’

Kylo, his back half turned to Snoke, froze.

For a moment he heard only his wheezing breath on his lips, as well as blood pounding in his ears. Kylo swallowed and turned around.

He slumped back in his chair again, now too small. The room was too small, Kylo felt it was choking him.

’I want to speak Russian now’ Snoke said in Russian, freezing all Kylo’s blood in his veins.

Kylo, as Ben Solo, since he was taken from his native Texas, had to learn a new language - this strange, pretentious British English. Besides, all time-consuming French, Spanish and German lessons, because it was always not enough-enough-enough and he had to learn, study more-more-more.

However, nothing could compare with the Russian course that Snoke put him through for last 8 years. There was a moment when Kylo was sure that his thoughts were written in Cyrillic.

'Yes... I understand' Kylo said, hesitantly. In Russian.

Snoke tilted his head.

’I know you since you were little. Since your father’s death. This girl won’t bring you any luck here and I would prefer you to forget about her.’

Kylo swallowed hard.

‘Unless...’ Snoke began. ‘You will try to convince her... to change the way she looks at you... and maybe...’

'I... don't understand' Kylo frowned.

‘I’m not stupid to not know you have compassion for her.’

‘She’s nothing but an orphan from Eastern Europe.’

’Is she? For you?’

‘I think she’s something more. And for Ferrari... she’s hope.’

Kylo bit his lip.

’Take that hope away from them. Get close to her. Befriend... seduce her.’

‘Wha-what?’ Kylo didn't understand.

Snoke laughed softly.

'Are you scared? Understand, I just want you to discredit her. Destroy the myth of how holy she is Ferrari creates about her. Nothing will destroy Ferrari more than this… than... slanderous rumors about their favorite.’

_Well, well -_

And at the same time -

[He, he sees over the flames of the bonfire how Rey looks at him, the fire in her hazel eyes. Her hand disappearing in the dark as he follows her, far away from the voices of guests, family, until he and she are close, right next to each other, both knowing that it had to happened, but each of them somehow avoided it before labyrinth, meanders of lost opportunities, chance - destiny - led them here.]

[If only Dameron didn't appear. If only.]

‘I'll see... what can I do’ he whispered.

'You better not see and just do, Kylo' Snoke's eyes pierced him through. ‘And who knows, maybe Hux is a problem, not... you.’

Kylo felt his face was a mask. But it was only a facade - chaos reigned in his interior.

'Maybe' replied.

The journey from the track to the bright with neon lights Manama, where he stayed at the hotel, was like a feverish dream. It was difficult not to come across the fans who were just waiting for drivers to ask for an autograph and photo in the hotel’s hall. Snoke's words echoed in his head when - as usual - after a dozen or so selfies, when he had to usually lower his head to fit in the frame, after signing posters, hats, t-shirts and sending Mitaka away, he walked towards his apartment.

Rey, Rey, Rey. Her name tasted bitter sweet. It tasted with hateful love. Snoke's proposal was bad, but so tempting, but so bad - on the one hand there was nothing that Kylo wanted more, but also...

He didn't want it for her.

_You have compassion for her._

Kylo stopped suddenly. He stood for a moment, listening to the silence, but; he felt it.

That gaze.

‘I know you are there’he said aloud, voice hoarse. ‘You better leave or I'll call security.’

‘Are... are you afraid that I will pour coffee on you… again?’

Kylo turned around.

Rey emerged slowly from the shadows, as if a dark veil was falling from her. Her face was strained strangely - with fear? Nervousness? Kylo wasn't sure – some indescribable emotion. However, he, Kylo felt like he couldn't breathe, his heart began to beat too hard in his chest, his whole body tensed and tensed.

‘Are you lost?’ he said quietly.

He and Rey kept their distance. The girl raised her chin.

‘I think I am where I wanted to be.’

‘I thought spending time with me is the last thing you want.’

They looked at each other.

Something has changed in her. Maybe in him too. Each of them stood on opposite sides of the barricade - not only on the track.

They were enemies.

‘If you're lost… mademoiselle’ he shrug his shoulders. ‘I can show you the way back to Witch-Bitchtown.’

Rey laughed softly (oh, definitely she wasn’t amused, _s-a-r-c-a-s-m_ , he thought) and crossed her arms on her chest.

‘You’re so bitter, Benoit.’

‘And you’re so sweet as lead sugar, Reymont.’

Rey raised her eyebrow. Kylo waited – probably for her to catch on his remark, but - 

‘You know’ he began. ‘Lead sugar… lead acetate… it’s toxic?... and you’re sweet as -

‘Oh god’ she whispered. ‘You’re still a nerd. I know, Ren. I'm not stupid.’

She could humiliate him without her stupid decaf coffee. He felt his cheeks redden.

‘What do you want then?’ he asked. 'Are you a messenger from Luke? I know your tricks. You don't have to tell me I left my family. Oh... go... ‘

_Go away?_

He swallowed hard.

‘What do you want?’ he added immediately.

Rey was silent.

‘How did you know I would be here? he continued. ‘You could have sent me a text, an email or a pigeon.’

‘I don’t have your phone number.'

Kylo shook his head.

‘You know that you have it. I gave it to you myself.’

Rey looked at him, her eyes furious. Kylo felt something moving in his jaw.

‘I haven't changed the number’ he added. ‘Just in case –‘

‘Stop.’

‘What do you want?’ he repeated. 'You say I harassed you, but in the end I was made the monster and you the victim. But now... you are harassing _me_.’

Rey closed her eyes and, to his surprise, began walking toward him until she stopped.

She was at the length of his fingertips.

Kylo clenched his hands into the fists, then relaxed them. He only looked at her face, which shone a little after a long day from sweat, he saw smudged mascara under her eyes and her short hair tied in a careless half-bun. He never forgot the freckles on her face, these peculiar constellations, that even if she hid behind the mask of the tomboy, the fact that she deliberately tried to look uglier, no one was fooled - because her beauty shone like the sun through the gray clouds.

‘I want to... talk to you’ Rey whispered.

‘Talk?’ He asked quietly, surprised. ‘To _me_?'

It took her a moment to raise her head to look him in the eye.

Kylo took a deep breath.

‘Yes’ she said. ‘I have an offer for you.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I gotta say, I made myself laugh with Kylo-Hux scene. Kylo is a delicious disaster. And that lead sugar, though. Oh, I love this broken boy.
> 
> Oh, Rey and Kylo scene – finally! – is next chapter!!!
> 
> Ok, so for some interested in F1, aunt wiki time:
> 
> Hospitality – teams have it in the paddock to like eat, meet with people, blah, blah, blah. Really if you can get inside team’s hospitality you’re lucky af.
> 
> WEC – ‘The FIA World Endurance Championship is an auto racing world championship organized by the Automobile Club de l'Ouest (ACO) and sanctioned by the Fédération Internationale de l'Automobile (FIA). The series supersedes the ACO's former Intercontinental Le Mans Cup which began in 2010, and is the first endurance series of world championship status since the demise of the World Sportscar Championship at the end of 1992. The World Endurance Championship name was previously used by the FIA from 1981 to 1985.’
> 
> Formula E – ‘Formula E, known as ABB FIA Formula E for sponsorship reasons, is a single seater motorsport championship that uses only electric cars. The series was conceived in 2011, and the inaugural championship commenced in Beijing in September 2014.’
> 
> ‘Bам лучше присесть’ – you should sit down (sorry if Russian is bad here, I studied it 9 years and cannot talk shit)
> 
> If you have any questions, feel free to ask. I will (almost) always reply. 
> 
> If you want to follow me on tumblr or insta, feel free to do it. Just caution; I post too many F1, stupid memes and in general I’m rather a dumb idiot who tries her best. 
> 
> Tumblr: redbullmocktails.tumblr.com  
> Instagram: instagram.com/agprosinska/
> 
> Take care of yourself and I hope y’all enjoyed this chapter!


	7. Chapter 6: Deadlock

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So hi, gotta say this chapter was hard and god, I am actually so nervous to post it. Last week was hectic, schools closed, uni closed and I honestly, to be honest I don’t feel I did here a good job, however my wonderful gf says that I did, so I trust her and I’m posting it online.
> 
> This chapter is once again mostly an experiment, so if there are no fan of weird prose, sorry. I did my best, I tried my best and I really hope not to disappoint you guys, but damn it was so hard. Maybe I should stop saying how hard it is and just let you read, but damn I love Rey and Kylo and I just want to give us, fans, what we deserve. More hints, more drama, sexual tension and even more drama to come soon.
> 
> So guys, not gonna be boring ya here more, let’s hope this chapter will cheer you up in the times of coronavirus (sorry). 
> 
> As always, I provide the link to “driven” playlist: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLaX7lYzfeohzt5SyhBwW-RdcxnoWee6e7
> 
> For this chapter, I mainly listened to this songs:  
> 1\. Republika – Sexy Doll (magnificent song, I recommend 1991 version, guys check the English translation, but the song is overall so so Kylo)  
> 2\. Benjamin Ingrosso – Behave  
> 3\. Lady Gaga - Judas  
> 4\. Lady Gaga –Sexxx Dreams (duuuh)  
> 5\. Lady Gaga – Bad Romance  
> 6\. Muse – Undisclosed Desires
> 
> Enjoy this shitshow of the chapter, y'all!

****

> **ördög** (ürdüng in Old Hungarian and equivalent to Erlik in Turkic mythology) is a shape-shifting, demonic creature from Hungarian mythology and early Hungarian Paganism who controls the dark and evil forces of the world. 
> 
> After Christianization, it was identified with **the devil**.
> 
> **foglalkozik az ördög** _deal with the devil_
> 
> There was a house we all had in common and it was called the past, even though we'd lived in different rooms.
> 
> \- Angela Carter, _Wise Children_

Rey had a whole list of reasons why she shouldn't be here. A whole long, long-long list of why her idea was bad, terrible and will have consequences. That it will be hiccup that will last not a few minutes but days, if not months.

[maybe even years]

Rey has never been good at making decisions, actually. She had the feeling that somehow, her life was always planned long before she was born. It wasn't about destiny, no. Sometimes it seemed to her that she was a passive figure in her own life. She had nothing to say when she was placed in an orphanage - this memory was blurred anyway, because Rey tried to erase it from her memory so many times that every attempt to remember gray Budapest, just after the fall of the Iron Curtain, ended up with her getting a strange nausea and another white stain in her memory.

She had nothing to say when one day the nuns led her to a strange, slim man - Rey had never met anyone like him. He seemed gray, gray in the grayness and whiteness of her memories. He knelt in front of her, his eyes burnt into her eyes, but - instead of them, his face, Rey could see only a white stain.

[there were more white stains in her memory than she wanted to admit]

Rey worked with a psychologist at Formula Medicine; virtually every member of the Ferrari Academy was sent to this facility for long sessions of exercises and tests. The driver's strength was not only in their talent or the work they put into driving; their true strength was in their mind and composure.

[be aggressive;

that said

do not let anger devour you]

She has known since the beginning that her road to F1 won’t be a bed of roses; actually no road to F1 was a bed of roses, but a bed of money. And she was a woman, and breaking the glass ceiling was sometimes impossible, and the fact that she had a seat in some series - even at Ferrari Academy - often depended on the fact that they wanted to play "equality card " so that - look! We have nothing against women, we have (1) one!

[there's an equilibrated duality of a driver's mind

be aggressive as a lion,

cunning as a fox,

but logical and precise as a machine]

It was something Rey hated, just like Leia, but she had known it from the beginning. Leia herself talked to her about how sexism once was in racing formulas. The sexism that didnt't disappear; just changed its form.

[calculate the power, brakes

anger feeds on upon itself, but on your fears as well,

what drives you?

will to fight - power - fame?]

Rey knew she had nothing to say with her name either; she had to accept it. Or when Luke took her to England, which later became her homeland, and Hungary only became another country on the map of Europe with which she had nothing to do but a foreign-sounding name. Karting, lower racing series, F4, Ginetta , European F3, F2 - it just seemed something natural to her, and the encouragement from Lei and Luke , as well as the natural rivalry between Poe and Kylo made it seem like a decision about being a racing driver wasn’t actually _hers._ Like it was even expected from her, so Rey accepted it and embraced it.

**«** when you no longer go for a gap, you no longer a racing driver **»**

It was easy to just _wait_. _Wait_ for someone to take _the initiative_. It was _the team_ that decided whether to accept her or not. Finn _decided_ what she would eat and what exercises she would do. Rose, what will Rey _do_ that day. Holdo, Connix , Acbar - wasn't Rey a "yes (wom)man" during tests in Barcelona and Australian GP? Of course, she had no such feeling of the car and about the settings yet, she had to trust them, but Rey lacked the fact that at least in one area of her life - racing - she didn’t have any kind of control.

[she desperately wanted to have control over something]

Rey sometimes felt more like a creation of people's expectations and requirements than a real person. She had some talent and skills which she used to please people, she was such a _people pleaser_.

And she was, indeed, addicted to it.

And what is bad? Was it really that bad?

[She owed them that.]

There was only one moment in her life when – hypnotized like Eve by a snake, by the promise of what? Freedom? Wisdom - almost, she almost bit a poisoned apple.

Perhaps she only tucked her teeth into the soft pulp of sweet with lead sugar fruit, pomegranate, apple - how many names were there for this fruit that condemned Persephone to live with Hades, and the successive generations of daughters of Eve to be hated by Adam's sons? - but it had fatal, fatal effects, effects that she and only she were guilty of, even if she tried so many times to wash away these memories from her mind, change them, throw them away, get rid of… the truth remained unchanged.

Perhaps, she was trying to justify herself in front of the tribunal of her own sins. That this was a step towards finally repairing the harm she had done. She started it - looking toward the darkness, until the darkness looked back at her.

[And she was still doing it. About what she was dreaming about?]

It was bad but -

_I know your true nature._

_Only Ben and her. Like it started, so let it end that way, just them._

After a full day on the track, his hair was slightly flat, but still twisted into the black waves around his ears and neck. Kylo only looked at her in the same way, a mask-like face, without any emotion, aversion turning corner of his lips down in a grimace.

[Except for the eyes.]

Rey wanted to say she hated Kylo Ren, Ben Solo. It was partly because no one else had laughed at her for so many years when she was younger, at her name, full name, at what she loved. She kept repeating it for so many years, confirming her hatred and loyalty to the one side of this conflict; because she knew if she stops, the realisation of her doing would crush her completely.

She knew the price of her betrayal.

A betrayal that Ben and Kylo must have known he would commit.

If there was anyone to blame for all this, for breaking up the family, Poe, Leia, Luke knew only part of the truth. 

Rey could only blame herself.

‘You have an offer for me.’

Kylo didn't ask, didn't state. What a change from a few dozen seconds ago, when, for a moment, she seemed to see Ben, not Kylo , when he awkwardly explained his joke, probably. Now, in his attitude, his face - there was nothing but the same coldness and nonchalance she remembered from this interview when he suggested that she should deal with prostitution. His voice was monotonous, bored, but in a way thespian.

When he stood (too close-close, she repeated in her thoughts), he towered over her so that she had to raise her head to look in his face, she lost all her dubious courage. There was something certain about hatred, but Rey knew her body and mind were betraying her: her heartbeat was too fast, palms too sweaty.

He looked at her; his eyes narrowed.

‘Offer’ he mumbled barely moving his lips. "Why should I listen to you?"

Rey looked away from him.

'And why not?' she asked.

‘And why _so_?’

‘Can't we ... just talk?" she asked. 'That's all.'

"It wasn't me who avoided talking for several years. And threw a coffee on me.’

Rey swallowed hard. In her memories, she raised her hand again -

~~To spill coffee,~~

~~To deal a thrilling blow~~

‘You suggested I should be a prostitute.’

‘You did worse things. Be honest with me’ she heard. ‘Luke sent you? My mother?'

She raised her head, looking into his eyes.

‘No’ she said. ‘You know they would never let me go to you.’

Kylo took a deep breath. She saw the broad shoulders rise, with that deep breath, hoarse, as if erratic.

‘Because of course... you always listen to them’ he muttered turning his head. She saw that he clenched his fists.

There was something in his voice - some resignation, a disappointment. About her, of course.

Rey bit her lip.

‘Nobody knows I'm here’ she confessed.

She had to find an excuse to be alone and when you were an F1 driver, when your team looked at your every move, every 15 minutes you had for your own was a miracle.

Kylo looked at her.

He didn’t hide the curiosity that sparkled in his eyes along with the words she had spoken. He stared at her for some time, which seemed to her forever, as if he were trying to read her true intentions from her face, body movements, every breath, thoughts.

What did he read from her?

Something he must have; his lips curved into a baleful smirk, he raised one eyebrow slightly.

‘So... please’ he pulled away from her. She took a deep breath.

He opened the door to his room and gestured for her to come in.

'Ladies first’ he added.

 _I'm not a coward_ , Rey thought. _I'm not._

Rey raised her head proudly, avoiding his gaze and she entered the lion's den -

Or rather, the devil's abyss.

*******

She shuddered involuntarily when Kylo slammed the door behind them. His room, with the view at the neon-illuminated Manama night, was no different from where she was staying.

It was a bad idea, but Rey saw no other choice. It wasn't just that she was afraid. She had to look this fear in the eye. It was like racing: if you started to be scared you couldn't go faster, it was blocking you.

‘Make yourself at home… or rather hotel room' again a strange nonchalance sounded in his voice, maybe it was amusement. He went into the bathroom and she heard him turn on the water, but she couldn't move. She only stared at her hands.

> _'no, no, reymont, you can't wash kart grease with that .'_
> 
> _[ben's hands have always been huge compared to hers. he could easily cover her hand in his fist]_
> 
> _[ben shook his head in displeasure.]_
> 
> _'who told you to wash it with soap? poe? uncle? your hands are ruined. totally.'_
> 
> _[he held her hands tightly, staring at them with strange fury - Rey felt it flowing to her, as if radiating from her adopted cousin. she wouldn't even have the strength to pull them out of his embrace.]_
> 
> _[did she even want to?]_
> 
> _‘never’ he said to her in a voice that raised no objection. 'wash kart grease with normal soap. sugar and dishsoap. promise me that.’_
> 
> _[his thumb gently brushed her cracked skin. rey remembered taking a deep breath. she didn’t understand sudden ben’s behaviour like… he was upset.]_
> 
> _[was this the moment? when behind the whole mask - even hate – she saw a flash, hope?]_
> 
> _[did she just see what she wanted to see?]_
> 
> _'yes' she said. 'i promise.'_

'How do you say it in Hungary? Guest in the house, God in the house?'

Rey blinked, torn from her memories of over 10 years ago. Kylo walked out of the bathroom toward the bed.

‘You know that I don't even know Hungarian’ she whispered.

Kylo froze - she could see nothing but his broad shoulders, on which the Mercedes FO T-shirt tightened.

'…I know.'

Rey swallowed hard. Before he added anything, she fled to the bathroom. Washing her hands, she didn't dare to look in the mirror. She knew she looked terrible (but also why would she worry about it?), however when she rubbed her hands with soap, they were red.

Her arms were all cracked - from exercising, pulling up on a bar, from the fact that she had forgotten to use hand cream every day. Rey didn’t want to have delicate hands - and she wanted to feel the effects of her work, but suddenly she became hideously aware of them, almost ashamed, as if the promise still made in another life was broken.

She had to get a grip on herself. Why was it so easy to behave there in the paddock, but why did she lose all the bravado when Kylo was mentioned? When she had to be _tête-à-tête_ with him?

She left the bathroom, looking for him. It took her a moment to see, in the dark (because Kylo apparently didn't like the light) that he was standing by the window.

‘So…’ she cleared her throat.

Kylo didn't even look at her.

‘You can take whatever you want to drink from the bar’ he muttered. "As long as you can drink anything other than water."

'And you?' she asked.

The only weak light came from behind her, from the white bathroom and neon lights of the city. She didn't like it.

‘I will say no' she heard. 'Don't drink and drive. I made an ad for F1 for that. '

With these words, he turned to her. 

Rey almost immediately leant on the walls behind her.

‘Snoke wants me to discredit you.’

Rey blinked.

'Pardon?'

Kylo kept his eyes on her, focused only on her.

‘Snoke wants me to discredit you’ he repeated slowly, pronouncing each word with a strange diction, neither English nor Texas. ‘To destroy your, Skywalker Ferrari reputation.’ 

Rey clenched her fingers on the door frame. His words didn't seem to reach her yet.

'How...?' she started because she seriously didn't understand.

She couldn't look at him. Perhaps this darkness, the darkness in which they both were hiding, was the only way they could talk. Kylo didn’t move, remaining only a black figure on the illuminated background of the city’s panorama, motionless and solid.

'You know how. And by coming here to me. Now. You don't act wisely... Rey.’

His voice was quieter than a whisper, a whisper that passed down her back, making her shiver. Rey must have felt like her heart stopped in her chest for a moment.

‘So why are you telling me about this?’ she asked faintly after a moment.

One step, another - his face was still not in the light, but not in the shade, it consisted of patches of shadows and half-shadows. The face was pale, sprinkled with freckles, black waves of hair, chapped lips. White eyes, still moving on her face, but still focused only on her.

In all her life, when Rey was already recorded more than once, when she posed for thousands of photos, no one looked at her, as deeply as if to the heart of her soul, like Ben Solo.

_You're not this stupid girl anymore, Rey._

'I've always been honest with you' he whispered. 

'You could use that already, if so. Your boss told you so’ she muttered.

‘No.’

Next step. How many steps where between them? Four? Three?

Three steps too close.

Rey took another deep breath.

'You wanted to make me an offer. I’m listening.’

Rey shook her head.

‘I wish I didn’t come at all’ she choked. 'It was a stupid idea. Excuse me, I will - '

'Rey.'

'No' she said. 'It was ... no -'

'Are you afraid they will see you?' Kylo snapped, with sudden aggression in his voice that startled her. 'What kind of an offer you have for me? Just stop being a coward and once in your life make your own decision. '

Rey blinked in shock.

'How -'

‘I've made my decision’ Kylo drawled. 'I don't regret anything. I don’t deny the past, even though who has been blamed for everything? Me, Rey. Me. I took the blame. Not you.'

‘You didn't come to the funeral’ she whispered, tears in her eyes. 'You left ... us. Me.'

'I had to' something moved in his jaw, his eyes also seemed to be glass. 'What was left for me? No one in my family looked at me the same anymore... I was an outcast. Mother and uncle ... they wouldn't let me race, and you ... '

Rey shook her head

‘There was no other way, Ben.’

Kylo pursed his lips. Fury was raging under the mask of his face.

‘Of course it was’ he whispered. 'Always. And don't call me Ben. That’s not my name.’

'I was defending you. Leia too.'

'And what?' he hissed. ‘You didn't defend me... not as...’

'It was a mistake. A huge mistake’ she said. 'We were too young and you forget that you and I -'

‘When will you finally understand that we are not a family?’ he growled out.

Next step. Rey's throat was dry, her breathing quickened, and Kylo’s also.

‘You're haunted' she whispered after a while. 'You can't stop seeing what you did to your father. What you did to us. '

'And can you?' he asked. 'We had a future.'

'I just want to fix it.'

'That cannot be fixed. It was destroyed long time before us, Rey' he said. 'This family... is dysfunctional at best. I told you... we don't belong here. We belonged... together.'

'But you chose them and it's your decision' he added, eyes all glassy, gaunt-taunt faced. 'I had to respect that. But are... you happy with them?'

Rey crossed her arms over her chest.

'And you? she retorted. 'You are happy being an F1 driver. That's all you ever dreamed of.'

‘Mother and uncle never gave me a chance ... They struck me off before I could show what I can do."

‘You sold your soul.’

'And you yourself. We aren’t so different. I had nothing left. Nowhere to go, Rey.'

Rey closed her eyes.

'He is using you. I remember when he was already watching you...'

‘He gave me a chance when others wrote me off, when even you... rejected me.’

[no, Ben. It's over.]

'It's the past' she said. 'I don't want to talk about it.'

Kylo gazed at her, his eyes dark - bottomless.

'There are many things you don't want to talk about. Which you deny. And yet... here you are.’

He backed away. Rey no longer knew what was happening to her; always when there was a border between reason and her emotions, logic and recklessness blurred. Every logical decision seemed illogical, and every feeling logical ~~desire~~ so _correct._

That was what had led her to being shoot down in flames.

‘So... make this offer to me.’"

Kylo pointed to a long white couch. Rey stood still.

‘I prefer to do business sitting down’ she heard.

Rey looked at him. Without taking her eyes off him, she slowly slid down at the couch, immediately clenching her fingers on the material. Kylo fell on the other side.

‘Can't we turn on the light?’ she asked quietly.

‘Do you need it?’

'No.'

‘You didn't come to talk about my electricity consumption, did you?’

Rey was silent.

'No -'

'Just say it.'

'I want you to talk to your mother' she said.

Silence.

One second , two seconds. One beat of her heart, one blink. Rey could taste the blood in her mouth because she bit that hard her cheek inside. Kylo looked at her for a long time; his jaw moved, she knew he must have clenched his teeth. 

'Just... call her, try to reach to her' she tried again. 'She misses you a lot and...'

Kylo stared at her, eyebrows furrowed. He stuck his fingers into the couch so that they were white now. Rey lost track of her thoughts.

'If... if you do this...' she said. 'I will owe you... something.'

'Something' he repeated soundlessly.

'Something. I mean... ' she took a deep breath. 'A favour. Anything... you want.'

Kylo glared at her, eyes dark.

'Be who you really are, Rey.'

She blinked.

'Pardon…?

Kylo was silent, after a moment he moved, not looking at her anymore.

'Stop pretending. Stop... acting. I know you. True you ' she saw him spat these words through the sharp lines of his Adam's apple and jaw line. 'Don't let them make you, mold you into someone you're not.'

Rey smiled.

'I am who I am. And don't... act.'

'Are you sure?'

She gulped.

She thought about all those moments when Uncle Luke tried to comfort Aunt Leia, when Rey felt the burden on her heart - that look, those looks Leia was giving his son when it was certain that not only Kylo pretended not to know her, but he didn’t want to talk to any member of Skywalker-Organa-Solo Family and definitely he didn’t want to be part of it.

[but deep down rey knew kylo ren had every reason to loathe them; especially her]

'A favour ' she said flatly. 'If you just call her. At least once. Anything you want. That helmet of Luke you liked - '

'No.'

His voice was so firm and sure that Rey was shocked.

'No?'

'Rey, you can't give me what I want. Telemetry from your car? A trip to Ferrari factory? '

Rey bit her lip.

'No' she admitted. ‘I can't.’

'So a favor? Of what kind?' he looked at her, like she was joking. 'You didn't even have the courage to be truthful in the past and I'm supposed to believe you _now?'_

 _'_ You dare to talk about being truthful like you aren't at blame here as well!' she raised her voice. 'I wasn't the one who put their father to the grave.'

'Oh, cause your father and mother too, was put to the grave by alcohol.'

Rey froze.

She didn't even think when she jumped up. It was more than just anger, it was the culmination of everything: her sadness, her anger, hatred for him, for herself. She was angry, so angry, oh god, _so angry that she didn’t recognize herself in this rage anymore_ \- for everything, for his stubbornness, for being somewhat right, for knowing that he would refuse anyway, and she still came to him with her stupid hope.

_Maybe you're still that stupid girl._

Her hand was close, close to his cheek when -

Kylo grabbed her wrist.

She and he looked each other in the eye, she was almost on his lap, they were breathing heavily. Kylo pulled her in to him, unwillingly or willingly, or it was something _more_ than that.

‘Tell them… the truth’ he choked out. She didn't even have to look to know that he was looking at her lips. His eyes burnt her lips. ‘Tell them you loved me.’

Kylo's fingers tightened on her skin, so hard that tears must appear in her eyes.

‘Never’ she whispered. ‘It wasn't love.’

He let her go.

Rey backed away immediately.

'It doesn't matter now' she added. 'You're not that person anymore. You aren't free. You just ran away from one _face_ to take _another._

She hissed, she hissed the accusations through gritted, barred teeth.

'This face you wear now' she wasn't angry anymore. She was _the anger._ 'Is _a mask_. And I see through its cracks how much you _hate it_.'

Kylo leaped from his chair, so suddenly she almost lost his balance.

She felt, before she fell, how he pulls her to him, fingers on her waist. Her hands were on his chest, she felt his heart beating, hard, fast. Rey blinked and took another breath, shocked by this turn of events.

' Snoke said one of us, me or Hux... will be kicked out of the team by the end of the season.'

His hands tightened around her waist. She shouldn’t have looked at his lips, but the memories of not only her dream, but now and his body next to her, made her tremble. She hated it, she hated him, she should push him away, do anything but -

'He told me to seduce you just to start rumors. And I could have the seat next season.'

'What do you really want, Ren ' she asked, her voice too high, too childish with her overwhelming, contradictory emotions.

'You.'

[you knew it, he seemed to tell her with his eyes]

Rey felt her face tense.

'You said I should look for a new profession in prostitution' she said. 'Are you really that kind of hypocrite?'

'I don't mean it in that way, I don't ... care' he whispered. 'I will call my mother, but you will... go with me for some events.'

Rey stared at him in shock.

'No. It won't ever happen. '

'So what will?' his hands tightened even harder around her waist. 'You said yourself that if I agree, you owe me a favor. I accept your offer.'

'No it's not that how -'

'Not as a couple, Rey. I don't ask you to be my date or girlfriend. I don't ask you for... sex services' he seemed genuinely offended. 'Im not that stupid. But I need Snoke to believe that I'm doing something with you and believe me if he or Palpatine will want to find something on you, they will be merciless. With me, you have some chance to - '

'No.'

'I don't ask for more' he interrupted her. 'I will call her. I will go to the dinners, Rey, whatever you will like. But also ... we can both help each other. I understand this now. '

She clenched her fists and rested them on his chest. They were perfectly on the silver logo of Mercedes FO.

"I can't do that."

'And you think I can?'

'Do you think people will not know? How will it look like? What will they say? '

'You think what my uncle and my mother will say. What will Dameron say’ Kylo whispered ‘And you always just think what people will say, and you don't even think about what you really want -"

[their bodies, with them, with their hearts, with their hearts. Rey wasn't hot - she was melting in the heat]

‘Tell me what _you_ really want’ he whispered.

Their lips must have been close, she could feel his hot breath on her lips.

[do not fight this]

«dark shadows, the coldness of the summer evening»

[give in, give in to the truth]

«kylo's hands closing them in their own world»

She was already squeezing her fists into his chest as he pressed his fingers into her waist. Her eyes had to fall on his lips over and over again, she was dying of thirst. Desire, temptation - was strong.

[give in to... _me._ ]

«lips so close -

 _it was almost a kiss_ »

But she was stronger.

‘I want you to let me go’ she whispered.

Kylo's black eyes - no, Kylo had no black eyes, but hazel, didn’t leave her face.

Slowly, she felt Kylo loose his fingers on her waist and take a step back.

Rey backed away too - her hands were still on his chest for a moment, before they fell limply at her sides.

'Liar' he said.

'I don't tell lies' she lied.

'I will only accept that offer on that conditions', Kylo announced coldly. ‘We can help each other. We can both benefit from that.’

'I can't agree to that' she said.

‘I think we ended our business meeting them’ he went to the door and opened it.

Rey looked up proudly. She understood that gesture – _get out_.

‘And none of us have what they want.’

She was already at the door. She stopped and looked at him.

'Deadlock.'

He raised one eyebrow.

"I wonder who will break up first’ Kylo said.

‘Not me’ replied Rey.

Kylo smirked at her.

'We'll see.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, so you’re here so you read it. Thanks. I’m even more nervous and I can only hope you guys liked it and won’t kill me in my sleep. The relationship between Rey and Kylo here is so complex here and I just can hope I did a good job.
> 
> Maybe there’s not much F1/racing stuff here, but hymm, AG’s wiki time:
> 
> The Ginetta Junior Championship is a one-make racing series based in the United Kingdom. From the 2010 season teams will use the Ginetta G40, having previously used the Ginetta G20. The cars use sealed Ford Zetec 1.8-litre engines, and feature tubular steel chassis, fully integral FIA approved roll cages and fibre-glass shells which ensure safe, controlled racing.
> 
> 'Guest in the house, God in the house' is actually a Polish saying. 
> 
> If you have any questions, feel free to ask. If you hate this chapter, just shot me with that comment, I’m ready.
> 
> If you want to follow me on tumblr or insta: 
> 
> Tumblr: redbullmocktails.tumblr.com  
> Instagram: instagram.com/agprosinska/
> 
> Fuck, ok. I’m sorry, but I really hope you liked the chapter. Take care of yourself, wash your hands and stay safe.


	8. Chapter 7: you get so alone at times that it just makes sense

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, I’m back with Chapter 7! I gotta say, we have really nice-nice ideas for next chapters, this one – well I hope it won’t be disappointment after last one, but ya know, I’m more psychological writer and we all love ANGST. 
> 
> Thank you all for your comments about previous chapter – I love knowing you enjoyed it! <3 <3 <3
> 
> Sorry for F1 stuff, but look if Rey and Kylo are F1 drivers we gotta put some F1 stuff. That’s the way it is. But don’t worry tension level will rise between this two, because – angst, denial, midlife crisis and temptation. Plus racing, F1 cars and of course technical knowledge, because it’s my gf’s fanfic I write it for her and I can do what I want. 
> 
> I’m sure it doesn’t make sense what I have written, duh. Sorry.
> 
> The title of this chapter is taken from Charles Bukowski’s book of the same name.
> 
> But – I’m rather interested what you will think about this plot twist in the story later, well about characterisation of Kylo, Rey and whole Skywalker family. But, ok. Let’s get back to reading!
> 
> Also, with my gf, we wanted to ask you guys – we have ideas for two fanfics: Labyrinth AU and Singer!Rey and Manager!Kylo AU. Maybe we should firstly finish this fanfic, but we wondered which one you would want first. 
> 
> As always, I provide the link to “driven” playlist: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLaX7lYzfeohzt5SyhBwW-RdcxnoWee6e7
> 
> For this chapter, I mainly listened to this songs:  
> 1\. Katy Perry – Teenage Dream ( this version -- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAkvqnQB3mo)  
> 2\. Carly Rae Jepsen – Cry  
> 3\. Benjamin Ingrosso – 1989  
> 4\. Prince – Thieves In The Temple  
> 5\. Prince – Something In The Water
> 
> Enjoy this angsty chapter, y'all!

> there's no chance
> 
> at all:
> 
> we are all trapped
> 
> by a singular
> 
> fate.
> 
> ― Charles Bukowski, _alone with everybody_

The moment Rey left the room, Kylo wanted to hit something.

Of course she never changed. Rey Király has never changed.

He too.

The victim of his unfortunate fury was the first he could grab - a vase of flowers. Kylo realized that he had only threw it when a loud crackle spread throughout his suite, and pieces of glass, stems and petals spilled all over the floor.

'Блять' he mumbled.

Only the damn-fucking Reymont Király had such power over him. No one else, but this damn-damn-damned girl.

Oh, I will destroy her, he promised Snoke, and in the end, duh – what happened? - he immediately told her what his boss told him to do. Good fucking job, Kylo, you're officially an idiot.

However, he couldn't lie, especially not to _her_. It was kind of a curse, it has always been his curse: he was telling the truth, and in a family where almost everyone wore masks, smiling, creeping behind their backs, had secrets and just waited to stab a knife in the back, his sincerity wasn’t enthusiastically received.

He hadn't seen Rey in a few years. Well, he saw her, far away in the paddock, when she drove in F3 and F2, not always, but he hated how _he softens_ in her presence. That even if he wanted to hide the truth from her, something inside told him to tell her that fucking truth.

And Rey on the contrary. Kylo had no idea what his mother and uncle had done to her, what this fucking Dameron had done to her, but Rey was so freaking-so-fucking bolshy in her denying it was unbelievable.

… _wait._

Did he just use “bolshy”?

bOlShY.

Brits.

And their fucking BBC English.

It slipped, from time to time, that whole upbringing in England, especially when he was mad. But you can take a Texan from Texas, but you can’t take Texas out of the Texan. Kylo didn’t spend this hours on Youtube practicing American accent when he realized he began to speak like them to just let Brits win.

Not today, Lord North and Germain. Get knotted, ya fuckin’ Brits.

‘Блять’ he choked out. ‘Fuck!’

 _Get knotted_? That’s a fucken British slang! God, he had a serious identify crisis. He had a midlife crisis. He had a _constant crisis_ , not a _life_.

It was enough that she came and fluttered her eyelashes. Kylo simply hated the fact that for years, since he remembered, since his uncle had adopted this emaciated orphan, it was over. His feelings for Rey have always blurred the line between love and possession - not of her, because he has been possessed by her since he could remember. She came and he hated her with all love he had, and loved with all hate he possessed.

Kylo felt he never truly belonged to himself.

He himself was and is a haunted house; he suspected he was cursed from the day he was born. He was the inbeing of parts of others, their expectations, the legacy of great Skywalker family; cursed and blessed, burdened and endowed with glorious and frightening fate.

He desperately wanted to start a new. He took on a new name; but deep down he knew he cannot escape the past, because apparently past was driving a freaking LMP1 car, when he was struggling in his Mercedes.

Kylo turned on the light and knelt. The water started to soak into the rug – he really didn’t want to call the hotel staff, he really didn’t want anyone in his room now.

_It wasn’t love._

He closed his eyes tightly, his mouth feeling a surge of rage. Rey and her denying. Rey and her washed brain, but no, Kylo knew, because Rey could lie through her teeth, through her words, but he knew she was lying. She was a liar, she was a pretty little liar, and sometimes he just felt like he only wanted to -

‘Bloody hell! Auu!’

He dropped the piece of glass that cut his skin.

The red drops of blood fell on the white carpet, staining it scarlet.

‘God, fuckin –‘ he started and then, he sighed deeply.

He was so tired.

And irritated. But more tired. Exhausted. Annoyed. But mostly and primarily, tired. Was there a word that mixed both tired and annoyed?

_Tire-oyed?_

She really had that audacity, huh? That audacity to come to him. After everything. After slashing his face, after rejecting him, after even throwing her coffee at his crotch, knowing he prefers to rather eat haggis than talk to that family again, but yeah, he was an idiot, he was always a freaking idiot, Rey only had to come to him and he vomited the truth at once, he never learnt, Snoke knew it, Kylo knew it, th _is_ _son of a bitch HUX KNEW IT –_

Kylo shook his head.

‘Tell me why you keep on denying’ he whispered. It didn’t pain him, it made him just ache; with loss, with hate, _tiredness_.

And yep, he once again just quoted Spice Girls. “Tell me what you really want? Oh, definitely if Rey wanted to be his lover, she could just stop being a fucking liar.

It was toxic. This family was toxic. With their perfect picture that they presented to the media and Kylo felt sick knowing they saw him as a threat to that. They didn’t care about him or Rey – they only cared about _their public image_ and oh, what would happen if their dirty little secret came to the light?

So they turned Rey against him, _everyone against him_ , _so he was **alone with everybody**_.

At some point, stupid point in his youth - he thought no – she was _Rey_ of light in his life, he thought he can finally belong, because it’s not supposed that love can redeemed and heal everything? Like in fairytales his mother used to read for him.

Oh, if only he didn’t know the real meaning of these fairytales.

His life wasn’t a fairytale. It was a fucking tragedy. And his love turned into the hate, hateful love and loveful hatred that was destroying him, driving crazy and insane.

After all this years, he wanted her, still, whole. To kiss, to hug, to be just with her – even if _his_ Rey was long gone and replaced by perfect Saint Virgin Rey of Scuderia Skywalker Ferrari.

God, he hated this girl. He hated what she has become – and more, he hated she voluntarily let them turn her into this perfect Skywalker-worthy legacy heiress.

Why she even went by her surname? They should at once change her surname to Skywalker.

Oh, Rey Skywalker.

So, oh – so! so! - _pretentious_.

A bunch of fucking Americans who lived some years in Great Britain and thought world belongs to them.

Kylo deep down knew the truth it wasn’t like that; he knew if it was Dameron who fell for Rey, they wouldn’t object. Their perfect, adopted kids, falling in love would only bring happiness and more to their public image, but no Kylo was always the wrong one, he was the predator, it was sick, he forced her, no she didn’t love him –

_It wasn’t love._

Kylo looked down the sink, when he was washing his wound.

The blood made the water appear pinkish, scarlet, claret.

He glared at his own reflection, feeling the bile rising in his mouth. The man in the mirror looked at him with no emotions besides pure odium. The wound didn’t hurt him – he was used to pain, but he was still hurt, not physically, but mentally.

_this face you wear now is a mask._

_and I see through its cracks how much you hate it._

His eye twitched, his lips twitched.

However, Kylo told her the truth what Snoke wanted him to do, proposed her his deal, he had a clear conscience. She rejected it. But he wanted so much, he wanted so contrary things. He wanted his revenge, he wanted her to pay for her blame – but also he wanted to protect her.

Deep down, he also missed his mother. But he couldn’t look in her eye after everything. And not after they told him – it was his fear, his guilt, but also hubris.

His error; hamartia. The sin Rey denied with all her being – which was another sin itself.

Once he cracked through her mask.

He could do it again and now, he will.

He had no choice. Of course, he could leave her for Snoke and Palpatine, but deep down he wanted to punish her in his own way even by means of protecting her from his boss and Mercedes FO advisor.

Her fate in his hands could be more or less worse and better than in theirs.

The scar – that crack on his face of her doing - hurt him. It always hurt him. As a reminiscence that love is not always pure and good.

Some love is dark and wicked.

Rey was wrong. She said his mask was cracked.

The truth was, Kylo was always broken.

But she was broken too.

*******

‘Again!’

Rey bended down and once again attacked. Finn held the boxing pad firmly.

‘Come on’ he said. 'Harder!'

She heard a yell escaping her mouth - and she hit the pad again, with all her strength.

Finn staggered. Rey stood for a moment, breathing heavily, feeling a drop of sweat running down her face.

‘I think ... that's enough’ he said. ‘It's just qualifying and we can’t tire you like this.’

Rey glared at him, when he put away the boxing pads and she started to take off her boxing gloves.

'Now we will work on your neck' she heard.

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. After a moment, she felt Finn put a stretching band on her forehead.

‘One, two, three -’

There was a myth, a saying among the people that F1 drivers weren’t a real athletes. They really didn’t understand what was making you an F1 driver then and definitely if they would get the chance to drive a Formula 1 car, not only they would crash, but they would be left with crushed guts as well.

Rey worked on her body since she was small and first time she sat behind the kart wheel. But the speed of kart cannot compare to the speed of Formula 3 car, F3 car didn’t compare to F2 car and F2 car couldn’t even come close to F1 car.

In Australia, at the end of the straight, she told Holdo she felt like she was being crushed between Symplegades, that g-forces was pulling the tears out of her tear ducts and she could see them splashing on to her helmet’s visor under braking.

She hold still, when Finn was pulling the band. It wasn’t even close to real g-force, that crushing force she felt while driving; but she had to warm up before qualy session. He stopped, she took a deep breath – he came to her left and he started pulling the band again.

Rey knew how physical F1 cars were – although, to be honest F2 car was harder in braking, more… clunky? To drive? Yes, if she could say so. F1 cars were a precise machine and she had to become precise machine as well to be an unitude with the vehicle, not a multitude of bad settings, driving and judgement.

‘Okay, now rope.’

Rey relaxed her tensed shoulders. Finn gave her the rope.

‘100 jumps’ he said. ‘I will be counting if you do more.’

Rey rolled her eyes.

‘Rey.’

‘I have to be strong, stronger’ she said.

Finn stood with hands on his hips; he wasn’t pleased with her.

‘Rey, we talked about this. You’re strong enough. You can’t do _too_ much.’

It was said that women had 30% less muscle mass than men so Rey – since she could remember - tortured her body with all kinds of exercises to make up for it. She was used to feeling sore after driving, to drowning in her own sweat, to feeling she can’t do it anymore; but she realized at some point that the only limit she knew was the one that she set for herself. She was, in fact – limitless.

If she only believed so.

She clenched her fingers on the skipping rope’s handles. Soon only thing she could hear in her driver’s room was the knife-like sound of her plastic rope scything the air.

The years of Draconian work out left her body looking more or less closer to a man than a woman. Rey was always the skinny, weedy girl, flat-chested even at the age of 23, but now it was hard with muscles and ready to fight against the laws of physics. Her body was a tool and she was using it.

She knew she wasn’t attractive in any way and in the world of motorsport she actually preferred looking that way; she didn’t like to use make up as well, unless she had to. She had her hair cut so short few years ago too, so Leia at first was angry with her for doing this, however Rey just wanted to – to just destroy the every remnant of her femininity if she had to. Being a woman in the motorsport world was at the same time disadvantage and advantage, blessing and a curse at the same time – it helped her to be noticed in many ways, but also – overlooked as she was a woman.

Rey wanted to be noticed because of her achievements, not of her being pretty.

She was a driver firstly and mostly; her gender had the secondary importance.

[how aware she felt of her body when she was in his presence. How she felt his eyes following her – she felt the shame when he called her a tomboy, like she didn’t know, like she shouldn’t desperately want to be more feminine, more curvy, more pretty and beautiful comparing to other girls he liked more, to not have acne and white-scar-shining stretch marks on her thighs and chest that appeared when she started growing and got her period, and, and she felt ashamed of that, because why she would be noticed by him when he hated her so much and laughed at her for looking like a boy and she should hate him, so _why she, why, why –_

She suddenly tripped on her rope and almost – almost – lost her balance, to only be in last moment caught by Finn.

‘Rey?’ he asked, worried.

She never missed.

‘I’m…’ she started, really out of breath, but also out of thoughts.

_It was getting out of control._

Rey closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

She shouldn’t have came to Ren. It was stupid, it was irresponsible. She knew how conflicted she felt about him – it was playing with fire and she was the moth that already burnt her wings and barely recovered.

‘I’m okay, Finn’ she said. ‘I’m really… fine.’

[his hands on her waits, breath, hot breath on her lips]

[give in –

give in –

 _give in to me._ ]

She almost did.

She shouldn’t.

She would.

[ _Oh, you want._ ]

She took a deep breath, holding onto Finn shoulder.

‘Please… get me the… water’ she choked. ‘Please. I’m… thirsty.’

[ _thirsty for what_ , she heard Ren’s voice.]

‘Peanut, I see –‘

‘I need to be alone, for a minute, Finn. I’m just… anxious before the qualy’ she lied. ‘I need to do the mental lap.’

Finn looked at her with furrowed eyebrows; she sensed he wanted to ask her something.

‘Five minutes’ she whispered. ‘I need it. _Please_.’

Finn sighed.

‘Okay’ he said. ‘But I will come and we need to get ready.’

‘Thank you, Finn’ she forced to smile.

Finn, nevertheless, shook his head.

‘5 minutes. I won’t let you out of my sight, like on Thursday.’

She gulped.

‘…yes.’

Finn hit the watch – Hublot as all Ferrari crew had – with his finger.

‘5 minutes.’

And he left.

The moment she was alone, she sat at once and hid her face in her palms

‘God, god, god!’ she hissed.

She regretted going to Kylo on Thursday. It was so stupid, she never learnt. She really – god didn’t she see it coming? Kylo wasn’t stupid – it was deal for a deal and she was getting desperate.

But really?

Why did he ask for him… being his date? Date? She wasn’t stupid, but she didn’t understand, she felt so stupid right now. Like, Ren never went to any events. Only events he attended was sports galas when he had to or sponsors shows. And she would have to accompany him? In exchange for what – for him to finally talk to his mother?

What kind of sick deal it was?

Poe would kill her. Luke probably too. And after that kill her after they would die. They would do it even now, if they found out she went to Kylo, because Rey broke the rules, she was supposed to never come to close to him again. But she didn’t understand why Ren told her the truth – that truth that Snoke – oh god, Snokovich, that Russian Devil – told him to seduce her.

And Kylo… wanted to protect her?

She didn’t believe it.

Or worse, part of her did believe it.

She touched her neck. She was shivering, she was still hot – and she really didn’t want to acknowledge why.

She felt so powerless. So, so alone – the same way she did, years ago, like she really didn’t grew up, like she was teenager again. She felt so out of control and she hated, hated, hated, HATED IT.

She won’t break. She will not.

She did well yesterday and today.

Rey took a deep breath. It didn’t take her long to slip from white couch on the floor and sit in her typical “driver’ pose.

She closed her eyes – and she was there, on the track, during her lap.

[The Bahrain International Circuit was a typical Hermann Tilke circuit; lots of long straights and slow corners, clockwised as well, just like most circuits are designed. It was also one of 2 night races in F1 calendar – but also because, even if Bahrain GP was held in March/April racing in the dark is also less warm and exhausting for the drivers.

She closed her eyes – and she was there, on the track, during her lap.

Turn 1: very tight. Breaking: 330km/h to 60km/h.

Rey automatically felt how she changes gears – all changes in gears happened by using the clutch on the wheel that was so full of buttons that usually driving an F1 car seemed more than operating a computer.

Rey’s goal was delivering the correct engine braking support to square up the rear of the car without creating too much 'push' as she needed a stable car under braking, however she had to still be able to turn in. Engineers – under Holdo’s watchful eyes – do this by tweaking the engine maps.

Long, long straight. 8th gear, Turn 4, 3 gear. Again, she accelerates, 5,6,7 - slow turns, short straight, again 8, Turn 9 – 2nd gear, Turn 10 and long straight.

After a slow exit from Turn 11 the track goes uphill into Turn 12 and rapidly switches direction, so the car is also climbing. This puts the oil system under pressure as the fluids in the system move from side to side very quickly, but are also squash down in the tank as the altitude increases. Rey new – from today’s debrief and also her long-long studying of basic mechanics - to avoid engine starvation, where the oil moves away from the pumps, engineers would check the minimum levels in practice.

She knew she had to get the exit of Turn 14 completely right as it falls slightly off camber as it enters Turn 15; running wide would only compromise the acceleration down the long straight and getting correct gear ratios helped in this respect, but finding the right balance here was never easy as the circuit had a variety of corner speeds. But Rey was good at this – Luke, Leia, Poe always joked she had natural ABS enabled in her mind – but finding the sweet spot in the engine on this track for Rey was tricky (and she raced here in F3 and F2) particularly on different fuel levels and pending DRS and KERS release patterns.]

_Knock._

_Knock-knock._

Rey opened her eyes.

Track has disappeared, she was once again in her small white-driver room.

‘It’s time.’

She stood up, clenching her hands into fists.

‘Are you ready?’ asked Finn.

[Ren, the deal, his _eyes, lips -_

‘More than ready’ she lied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, hey, I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. I really do hope! And I can’t wait for next – because oh, we will get some Reylo scenes :D
> 
> As always, nobody-reads-but-AG’s-auntie-Wiki-Time:  
> Блять – “fuck”, but in Russian.
> 
> Bolshy – “stubborn”, but in British English (poor Kylo, Britisation is real)
> 
> BBC English – that funny way that people from England apparently think if they talk that way it gives them higher status (I’m sorry, if there are Brits reading it – I’m Polish and only jokin’)
> 
> Lord North and Germain – leaders of GB when American Independence War happened? 
> 
> Get knotted – “go fuck yourself”, but in British English. 
> 
> LMP1 car – ‘A Le Mans Prototype (LMP) is the type of sports prototype race car used in the 24 Hours of Le Mans, FIA World Endurance Championship, WeatherTech SportsCar Championship, European Le Mans Series and Asian Le Mans Series. Le Mans Prototypes were created by the Automobile Club de l'Ouest (ACO). The technical requirements for an LMP include bodywork covering all mechanical elements of the car. 
> 
> LMP1  
> The fuel tank size and minimum weight for non-hybrid cars is subject to adjustment to reduce the difference in performance between hybrid and non-hybrid cars.  
> There are no limits on the number of cylinders for any type of engine.  
> Bodywork is required to cover all mechanical elements of the car, so that they cannot be visible when the car is viewed directly from the front, side, or top.  
> The LMP1 cars are generally the most powerful, with higher straight-line speeds.
> 
> The Bahrain International Circuit - (Arabic: حلبة البحرين الدولية) is a motorsport venue opened in 2004 and used for drag racing, GP2 Series and the annual Bahrain Grand Prix. The 2004 Grand Prix was the first held in the Middle East. Beginning in 2006, Australian V8 Supercars raced at the BIC, with the event known as the Desert 400. However, the V8 Supercars did not return for the 2011 V8 Supercar season. 24 Hour endurance races are also hosted at BIC. The circuit has a FIA Grade 1 license.
> 
> Hermann Tilke – ‘German engineer, racing driver and circuit designer, who has designed numerous Formula One motor racing circuits.’ But dude, you really are receptive with that designs (really his tracks are sooooooooooooooooooooooo boring [dissin’ f1 track designer on ao3 lol]
> 
> ABS – unfortunately not the one that Kylo showed us in “The Last Jedi”, but ‘An anti-lock braking system (ABS) is a safety anti-skid braking system used on aircraft and on land vehicles, such as cars, motorcycles, trucks, and buses. ABS operates by preventing the wheels from locking up during braking, thereby maintaining tractive contact with the road surface.’
> 
> DRS – ‘The drag reduction system (or DRS) is a form of driver-adjustable bodywork aimed at reducing aerodynamic drag in order to increase top speed and promote overtaking in motor racing. It is an adjustable rear wing of the car, which moves in response to driver commands. DRS often comes with conditions, such as the pursuing car must be within a second (when both cars cross the detection point) for DRS to be activated.
> 
> DRS was introduced in Formula One in 2011. The use of DRS is an exception to the rule banning any moving parts whose primary purpose is to affect the aerodynamics of the car
> 
> In short: you’re less than one second behind your rival, you open your rear wing and you go zooooooom
> 
> KERS – ‘A kinetic energy recovery system (KERS) is an automotive system for recovering a moving vehicle's kinetic energy under braking. The recovered energy is stored in a reservoir (for example a flywheel or high voltage batteries) for later use under acceleration. Examples include complex high end systems such as the Zytek, Flybrid, Torotrak and Xtrac used in Formula One racing and simple, easily manufactured and integrated differential based systems such as the Cambridge Passenger/Commercial Vehicle Kinetic Energy Recovery System (CPC-KERS).’
> 
> Hublot – ‘(French pronunciation: [yblo]) is a Swiss luxury watchmaker founded in 1980 by Italian Carlo Crocco. The company operates as a wholly owned subsidiary of France's LVMH. In March 2010, Hublot was appointed the Official Watchmaker of Formula 1. Hublot have released a number of Formula One themed watches as a committed partner to Formula One, including celebrating the return of the US Grand Prix to Austin, Texas in November 2012 with the Hublot F1 King Power Austin.
> 
> Sorry for making you real so much, guys. I don’t know if I ask you for much – but comments helps and fuels my energy to write next chapters. If you don’t like something, if you like something – write! I really feel a bit stupid to ask for this, but we (my gf and me) wanna know what you would like to get from the story too and if you enjoy it as well!
> 
> Stay home, safe, wash hands and see you next chapter!


	9. Chapter 8: Of Empyreal Ice and Gelid Fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, allo-allo folks, ladies and gentlemen, dude and dudettes! Here we have CHAPTER 8!
> 
> Okay, I will say it was fun. So fun and damn. I can’t say much. I really can’t. But well, prepare yourself?
> 
> I really wanna say thank you to all of you that leave comments! It’s so cute, so nice and just – aww. I would hug y’all, so hard. I’m writing this fic for my gf, but – well you can read it as well, she doesn’t mind.
> 
> [really you should all thank her she wanted me to write this fic tho - I love you, Lizzy!]
> 
> So to cut the shit – F1 time, I forgot to post a track map, so here ya go (for curious ones). No need to thank me, it’s my pleasure.
> 
> As always, I provide the link to “driven” playlist: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLaX7lYzfeohzt5SyhBwW-RdcxnoWee6e7
> 
> For this chapter, I mainly listened to this songs:  
> 1\. Adele – Rolling In The Deep  
> 2\. Benjamin Ingrosso – Behave  
> 3\. Benjamin Ingrosso – Dance You Off (Extended Version)  
> 4\. Lady Gaga – G.U.Y  
> 5\. Lady Gaga –Sexxx Dreams (duuuh)  
> 6\. Muse – Undisclosed Desires  
> 7\. Ariana Grande – Into You
> 
> Be my guest and enjoy this chapter.
> 
> *evil laugh*
> 
> oh y’all, you’ve got a big storm comin’

> Some say the world will end in fire,
> 
> Some say in ice.
> 
> From what I’ve tasted of desire
> 
> I hold with those who favor fire.
> 
> But if it had to perish twice,
> 
> I think I know enough of hate
> 
> To say that for destruction ice
> 
> Is also great
> 
> And would suffice.
> 
> \- Robert Frost, _Fire and Ice_

**Bahrain International Circuit, Bahrain, March 2019**

He wasn’t really a violent man; he needed simple things in his life.

Like, hym, a coffee. Espresso. No sugar, no milk.

And a chainsaw.

Like, god, he swore to God, to F1 gods, to Zeus, to Spaghetti Monster, whatever and whoever was listening to him, that if Hux won’t shut the fuck up, Kylo will really end in choking him with his bare hands. And God’s his witness, he would freakin’-fuckin’ enjoy it.

‘Kylo, are you listening?’

Kylo looked up.

‘Yes, I am’ he said. And in his mind, he added _unfortunately._

Snoke had to had some kind of 6th sense, because he at once shook his head, displeased, as he heard Kylo’s thoughts. Kylo cleared his throat.

‘We will have a front row’ he said. ‘Ferrari is nowhere near us.’

Hux rolled his eyes.

‘ _Actually_ , I think Ferrari can –‘

 _Oh god, shut up, shut up_! Kylo yelled internally. It was too early. He was without his dose of coffee. He woke up at 6 am or rather he just waited for alarm to go off in his bed, to go to the hotel’s gym and tire himself more. Ok, he drank coffee – maybe 2 shots of espresso, but he was exhausted, however it wasn’t enough to deal with F1 circus and especially with the circus of Mercedes FO with main clown, Armitage Hux, in the flesh.

‘We discussed the plans enough’ he heard Snoke. ‘But ultimate plan is that you both listen to team orders.’

His voice carried another message, under the words and Kylo at once knew; _don’t listen to me and you will regret it with your life, career and **everything**. _

[Get close to her. Befriend... seduce her.]

Kylo winced and touched the white patch on his finger. The wound from the glass cut wasn’t that deep, but explaining why the vase with flowers suddenly landed over a few meters away from the furniture, and definitely not because it acquired the sudden ability to levitate, was troublesome.

‘But I –‘

‘Hux, sit. _Down_.’

Hux slumped onto the chair, on the other side of the table.

Kylo felt he has too many thoughts. Definitely if overthinking was a championship, he would be the ultimate multiple world champion.

Kylo was thinking about the plan. What to do. Because something had to be to be done. He and Rey were both in the point of deadlock, impasse. And Kylo knew her, knew her better than anyone. She would do nothing, she would rather run away, deny all her feelings, herself, her life, who she really was.

For the sake of what? His uncle’s, mother’s, Dameron’s approval? They never treated her like she was as strong as she really was, they were so delicate with her and she believed them.

Maybe he was too focused on her. But it cut into his being, her denial. Her betrayal. Technically, he would do what Snoke told him to do. Snoke didn’t tell him that he cannot tell the truth to Rey. Kylo just needed a plan, he had to do something, he knew her, he knew her weaknesses; he could use it against her.

But there were always that buts. Not the good butts. Like the ones you see and cannot lie you like them.

Kylo blinked few times.

‘We talked about everything, about set ups, tyres, pit stops strategies for tomorrow? About our strategy for qualifying too?’

‘Yes, sir’ Phasma, strategy director, replied.

Kylo felt Hux’s eyes on him. He deliberately ignored them.

‘Then?I think it’s all finished. It’s all done for now.’

Everyone at once started packing their things, engineers packing laptops and note. Kylo thought that yesterday, maybe for too long, he spend on analysis the video of free practices from yesterday.

He liked doing it, with his engineers, but later also alone with his notebook, looking at other drivers technique, to see their weak spots. His main focus was only on Hux and Dameron, but now – also on Rey.

He shouldn’t complain. He was of course the fastest. But he would be stupid to overlook his rivals, he had to be prepared, all ready and focused.

But his mind was coming – as always – back to Rey.

‘Kylo’ he heard Snoke. ‘Wait here.’

Hux shot him a look, his lips curled into a venomful smile.

He thought Kylo has problems.

Well, did he?

‘Leave us two. I need to talk to my driver.’

Okay… fuck.

Kylo gulped. He really didn’t like the emphasis Snoke put on “my driver”.

However, indeed, Kylo was _his_ driver.

Last person closed the door behind them.

Kylo sat still.

‘Palpatine says you don’t like the feeling of the car.’

Snoke’s Russian was clear yet harsh to Kylo’s ears.

‘I just feel some… understeer’ he said. ‘It’s all about set-ups, I’m working on it with my team. Bahrain is usually… a Ferrari track, but – ‘

‘There’s no thing as “Ferrari track or Mercedes track”, all tracks are ours, because we do have the best car on the grid. We are not clowns, like Ferrari who has problems with strategy.’

Kylo blinked few times. But well, ok, Snoke had a point here. He felt a bit sorry for Rey because yes, Ferrari was a fast car, but their problems with strategy – as like that last season, when Snap Wexley, now a retired, almost crashed with Dameron, because none of them wanted to let the second first.

Like, well, what happened between him and Hux in Singapore.

It was one mistake. 

But one mistake in F1 could cost you a life.

‘So… it’s understeer. I can do that.’

‘I heard you prefer driving without seat padding.’

Snoke’s watchful eyes on him. Kylo paused for a moment, looking for right words in Russian.

‘I want to know… _feel_ ’ he corrected himself. ‘What the car’s doing.’

Snoke was silent. His long white and scarred fingers started tapping slowly on the table.

‘Car’s hybrid battery… scratches a bit my back… but it’s a small price for better feeling of the car’ added Kylo.

One tap, two taps –

‘Ferrari is nowhere near us, we will definitely beat them today –‘

There taps, fourth, more, faster, faster –

‘And I think-‘’

_Faster, faster -_

‘Reymont Király was in your apartment suite two days ago.’

Tapping stopped; Snoke smiled.

‘I…’ began Kylo.

‘I just think, Kylo, what must have happened that you forgot to mention it to me’ Snoke shook his head theatrically. 'You have so many things on your mind, I understand. Being a driver is not only driving, you have debriefs with engineers, interviews, oh. I understand. '

Kylo swallowed hard.

'This -'

‘What did Skywalker's daughter want from you?’

Kylo winced. He hated when Snoke was using this words, like Rey was really uncle’s real, biological daughter.

‘Oh, Kylo, _please.’_

Kylo fought his face, to appear like a mask. Snoke did it on purpose, he knew perfectly how to trigger him. He had to be on the qui vive.

And if - if - Snoke somehow learnt that Rey was with him that day, it only raised the stake of his game.

 _‘_ The girl…’ he began. ‘She wants something from me.’

Sometimes, to conceal the truth, his real intentions, he could do so by only speaking the truth.

‘She does want something. From you?’

Kylo nodded.

‘She wants me to… reconcile with Skywalker family.’

Snoke shook his head.

‘Oh, that means she’s desperate.’

Kylo didn’t like how it sounded, not in Snoke’s lips.

‘Yes, she is’ but yet he agreed.

‘And what else?’

‘I proposed my own offer to her’ Kylo said diplomatically, nonchalantly. ‘You said I need to get close to her, to seduce her, so I proposed… she would be… my companion for several … media events.’

Snoke rested his chin on hand.

‘Go on.’

‘She rejected my offer. For now.’

‘For now.’

Kylo felt his eyes twitch. He looked down.

‘She, as all Skywalkers… thinks only about her public image’ he started, slowly. His Russian was always rusty, too western to have melodic Slavic flow and lilt.

‘But she can be put… in a situation… no-win situation… impasse. Deadlock’ he said. ‘When she would… be forced to act in a certain way, because of… social… proprieties, I mean… social restraints.’

Snoke smiled.

‘I like the way you think.’

‘For now… everyone thinks… Skywalkers and I are… broken apart. But I will change it.’

He gulped.

‘I can fake… my forgiveness for them’ he said. ‘I can come back to them, to her.’

‘Keep your friends close, but enemies closer.’

‘Exactly.’

Snoke nodded.

‘That’s why I like you. You’re just like your grandfather. Cunning and ruthless.’

Kylo froze.

Anakin Skywalker was the father of his mother; but also he was the 5 time winner of oldest automobile race in the world: Indy 500. He was also a rally driver, but after death of his wife, Padmé Amidala, US Senator, Kylo was told by his uncle that his grandfather went feral. His children – twins – were separated. Leia was taken in by Padmé’s friend and fellow senator, Bail Organa and Luke by Lars family.

Kylo was thinking if there was a curse in his family, connected to racing and being crazy. But actually, they drove cars which speed was over 300 km per hour – so they were all kind of suicidal.

But this comparison – to his grandfather… he didn’t know what to feel about this.

He wanted to be his own man.

‘So, in general. I can only say, that your future at Mercedes FO brightens.’

‘Thank… you… sir.’

Snoke gestured him to stand up.

‘Maybe I underestimated you. You’re showing you are learning.’

Kylo took a deep breath.

He could feel the coldness of table, of his fingertips. He felt his fury – so cold, yet consuming him like a fire. He wanted his revenge, he wanted – he wanted her.

[Rey, huddled over the book, reading Frost's poems aloud, for herself. How her three hair buns moved as she turned around, still chewing on her chocolate, surprised; she wasn't alone at all.]

_From what I’ve tasted of desire_

_I hold with those who favor fire._

[him, so close, when they were both left alone. At this time he knew, he knew rey is not so indifferent like she wanted to seem.]

_But if it had to perish twice,_

[his finger, so wobbly, closer and closer to her lips smudged with chocolate]

_I think I know enough of **hate**_

_To say that for destruction ice_

[Her eyes, locked on him, beginning him not to back away]

_Is also great_

[If he kissed her there, when they were alone, not backed away, everything could look different]

_And would suffice._

Kylo clenched his hand onto the fist; table wobbled.

‘By the grace of your training…’ he said. ‘Once I got fooled by the Skywalkers. Now, I won’t be seduced. I will be the one to seduce… Skywalker’s daughter.’

He spat this words – he didn’t want to say them, but he had to.

He played a dangerous game; to fool the devil you had to become the devil.

Snoke watched him carefully.

‘then’ he began. ‘do what you must. ‘

Kylo didn’t remember the moment when he left the office. He couldn’t even breathe properly.

He should feel satisfaction. But in fact, he felt…

Ruthless.

[but wasn’t that your intention? You want to punish her.]

‘Mitaka, coffee’ Kylo said and his assistant almost dropped his phone. Apparently Kylo was a ninja or something. ‘Espresso. 4 shots.’

His personal assistant looked at him in horror.

‘But… sir, it’s….’

‘Look, I want my damn fuckin’ coffee, 4, 7, 10 shots, whatever or I will fuckin’ shoot you.’

He had to calm down. But he was restless.

[deep down he knew what he has to do]

Something deep down, something, didn’t want this. He knew that it was Ben, Benoit Solo, that spoke – the stupid boy who loved Rey.

Kylo Ren hated Reymont Király and didn’t care.

Next few hours before the qualifying; some interviews, food, more coffee, when with the corner of his eyes he could see the start of Formula 2 race – so that meant, before his third and last training session.

He used to watch all the races on TV, in team’s hospitality, for last two years, when Rey transitioned from F3 to F2. He had been saying to himself, he doesn’t do it to just see her pretty face when she took off her helmet as she won the race and was on the podium, but he had been doing it for racing itself.

He didn’t find F2 now as exciting as it used to be.

He looked from afar as mechanics were working on his car, while he was fixing his gloves. He knew that by far, he had the best car on whole grid. And he was, by far, the best driver.

Even if Dameron was the reigning world champion, he didn’t have the skill – just pure luck.

He lowered himself into the cockpit, holding by a halo. He was handed his steering wheel, the car began to come alive. The entire track - located in the middle of the Bahrainan Desert - was illuminated by white light of artificial lamps. He felt buzz of adrenaline rushing under his skin, but also _something more –_

‘Qualifying will start in 20 seconds’ he heard through the radio.

‘Let’s get that pole then’ Kylo said.

*******

She wanted to vomit.

Maybe it was a matter of her period coming this week. Maybe that, however, g-forces made her feel dizzy and she felt so so-so weak.

And other thing was –

‘Rey, P3. P3.’

And other thing was -

’Rey, P3. P3. '

She slowed down, feeling breath crushing in her lungs. Connix’s voice was a bit distorted by blood in her ears, by broken sound waves.

‘Good drive, amazing. You did an amazing job, dear.’

‘And Poe’ Rey asked, completely out of breath.

The last 45 minutes appeared to her as some sort of a feverish dream - under the blinding white lights of Bahrain track, another lap by another. Sometimes she felt more that she was playing a an F1 game, a stupid game, when everything was made of pixels. That she was sitting in a simulator -

Q1. She was P4. When she got back to the box and they showed her laptimes of all the grid she saw next to her name 1:29:502. She lost dozens of tenths of the second in turns, she still felt she is not able to reach the full potential of the car.

It was said (or at least Poe told her so) to get to know the car and the team completely, it takes at least two years. Poe was a Skywalker Ferrari driver for over 3 years by now and when he was contracted he was the second youngest Ferrari driver in history. Italians from Maranello were never known for betting on new talents, they always chose older drivers; riding for this team was an honour, bah, an honour that if a driver said they didn’t want to drive for Ferrari, they were liars. Everyone at some point dreamt of being a Ferrari driver.

Now her, Rey Király was the second youngest Ferrari driver since Ricardo Rodriguez in 1961, when Rodriguez was 19. And she was the first ever F1 female Ferrari driver.

‘What about Poe’ she repeated her question again. She was dizzy; she was anxious.

‘Poe… P4.’

Rey took a deep breath.

She was… _better than Poe?_

She knew that last lap, before the time was out definitely wasn’t her best. She didn’t yet feel the car, not fully, she still felt too much of the last car. But she focused ; she listened to Kaydel’s orders, where she can gain time, and about the set ups – and also she just wanted to do her damn job.

Rey knew that her failure in F1 would mean not only end of _her_ career. After Leia, she was the first woman in F1 in about 20 years, after years of talking women aren’t ready to compete on the same level with men. She was doing it not only for herself, Uncle Luke, Leia or Ferrari – she was doing it for that little girls that were always told they can’t do this, because it’s not a “lady thing.”

She was lady and she could drive.

However, she was… in shock.

She… did it.

The first rival you always wanted to beat was your teammate. And her teammate was a reigning world champion. Maybe for some people it was flux of luck, nothing much, but for her – it was a small step towards building her confidence and place in the team.

Yes, Poe was Skywalker Ferrari no1 driver. She was a rookie. She was _the second driver_. There will be a time that they will ask her to let Poe pass her and she will have to let him pass her.

Team orders firstly and primarily.

But at some point – the role could be reversed. She wasn’t a wingman; she was the driver and she had ultimate goal; to become _the_ world champion.

The track was filled with long shadows of long gone cars; the roar of mechanic beasts died away and she – did she even care who got P1 and P2?

Everyone knew it was Mercedes FO.

She stopped the car at the beginning of main straight, next to two silver-black cars (why they called themselves Silver Arrows she had no idea, probably a habit.)

Of course, the shadow Ren was casting was longer than anyone’s else.

She had to look away, she couldn’t look at the dark figure of vice world champion. Armiatge Hux – (or Hugsie as Poe would call him back in their karting days) never made such impression as almost 6’3 tall Ben Solo.

_He starts to look a lot like his father._

Kylo. Ren.

[Not Ben Solo.]

_Not anymore._

She put her cap on, feeling her hair stick to her neck. She was drenched with sweat. Ren was waving at the crowd, which was cheering for him – _them_.

She looked at the grandstands and the big banner with her name and Union Jack caught her attention.

‘So, Kylo how does it feel to…’

_One breath, second breath._

[Breathe in and out.]

She didn’t actually remember the whole post-qualifying interview. She felt she is mechanical as the cars nearby. She had to ignore the tingling feeling on her skin, like she knew – she was being watched not only by probably millions of f1 fans on TV worldwide, but she –

[She felt he was watching her.]

[As always – and she watched him too.]

‘Press conference starts in 15 minutes, Rey’ Rose said to her, when Rey was fixing her shirt. Of course, nothing more could bring her flat-chestness more than teamwear; she had to look away at once.

'Without a cap' Rose added. 'That will be better.'

Why was she even nervous? It wasn’t the first time she was to sit at the press conference. She has already won P3 once, in Australia. For a rookie - even a rider for Ferrari - it was something.

But then, Poe was with her.

Now Rey was supposed to sit there _alone_. At the mercy of reporters, Ren and Hux - she had no idea why but - but she felt threatened.

Maybe it was some sort of flash, an instinct. Something deep inside her. Something she didn't like very much. She tried to ignore it, like Ren's burning eyes on her, just like the recurring thoughts from their meeting on Thursday.

‘Rey, my little sis, bested me.’

Poe stopped her as she and Rose were on their way into the conference room. He was grinning widely and spreading his arms as broadly as his smile.

‘I gave you a head start.’

‘Oh, sure’ Rey murmured, but something inside her twister in bad way.

He hugged her tightly and she rested her head in his neck; Poe smelled so familiar, even his T-shirt smelled of the same fabric conditioner as the one Leia had been using when they were both children.

‘I'm so proud of you, peanut’ he used the same nickname as the one Finn always called her and Rey laughed. ‘But seriously, how ... _how_?’

Poe pulled away from her, piercing her with his glance. Rey was still smiling; maybe - face, yes. But internally, no. Something ... It was impossible not to notice that Poe… wasn’t that happy about her result.

[Don’t think that, Rey.]

She felt a bile rise in her mouth, anxiety and dizziness came back. She opened her mouth to say something, when –

Dark tall figure appeared in the hallway.

Ren just pushed his coffee cup mug into his assistant's hand. Dressed entirely in black - the only colorful elements of his outfit were the sponsors logos on the shirt - he seemed more like a general of an army than an F1 driver.

She at once felt his eyes on her.

She couldn’t breathe.

‘Rey-mey, something’s wrong?’ asked Poe, not aware of the looming over figure behind him.

‘I’m okay’ she said and then faked a smile.

‘So then - _HEY!_ ’

Ren nudged Poe as he walked by. Rey gulped, stunned – Ren didn't even turn and just entered the conference room. Poe shook his head and massaged his arm.

‘God, what a dick’ he said. ‘I know we can’t be far away from him, but please –‘

Rey barely listened to him – only watched the closing door.

[You sold your soul.]

[Tell me what you really want.]

_< you>_

[her too young heart, broken over and over, ben’s eyes filled with tears]

~~She had to. She had to, she had to survive~~

[Tell me what you really want.]

**_< you!> _ **

[Tell them the truth.] 

[Tell them you loved me!]

[never]

‘Did you hear me? You understand?’

Rey blinked few times; her memories of that nights, of that past nights, of that stolen moments – eyes, Ben’s, Kylo’s eyes burning her skin, his touch burning her skin, god why was so hot here? Why she was, oh god –

‘Rey?’

What was Poe saying? Don’t talk to Kylo Ren? Don’t come close? Stay away? She had to look fine, she got it, she could, she was fine _, fine -_

She broke all the rules.

‘I do’ she replied. She felt red.

“Poe, press conference will start and Leia asked you to talk to your engineers’ said Rose.

Poe rolled his eyes.

‘Of course’ he looked at her. ‘God, are you still shy about giving interviews?’

‘No!’

‘Leave her, Poe, Rey, you should go now’ Rose wasn’t pleased with Dameron and she smiled kindly at Rey. ‘Go, they will take care of you.’

Rey didn’t feel so courageous now.

In fact, she felt like a coward.

_Just stop being a coward and once in your life make your own decision!_

Kylo’s voice echoed in her mind.

Poe and Rose waited. Rey realized that they waited for her to move.

‘Yes, of.. of course’ she whispered. ‘I’m… going.’

She turned around.

‘So… see you later then’ she added.

And then she took a deep breath and entered the conference room.

*******

Red light of the camera; Rey gulped.

She felt too aware of her surroundings. The conference room, filling slowly with people, reporters and photographers. The moment she entered it, she felt as if she was choking again – the air in the room was too dry, too hot, even with air conditioning on.

Ren was sitting at the table, white, and the technician was helping him put on a microphone. As the pole postion winner, obviously he sat in the middle, with an almost bored expression on his face, despite the victory in qualifying. He had to know, however, that he was looking at him because; Yes. Of course.

[Dark eyes fell on her.]

[ _Did they ever leave her at all?_ ]

She felt his gaze on her as she approached the table. The noise of the room, the voices, seemed to be drowned out – like she was surrounded by a soft membrane. Just her heartbeat, her breath drying her lips -

[Why was this table so far away?]

'It's good' Ren said calmly to the technician, with a gentle gesture of his hand showing to back away. How calm Ren was, Rey envied him. Ren always seemed so calm, too calm - so that Rey knew that it was really just a role, but a role he never failed to play, unlike her.

[ _You just ran away from one face to take another._ ]

[Because there’s no escape from it, Rey. You read this story, you know the truth. In the arms of the lover, in the eyes of your friends. We all wear different faces.]

She hated it, she hated that after all this years, she heard his voice, full of that eminence, like he was scolding her or being that stupid girl that never learns and is naïve.

The technician stepped aside when Rey near the table. She was reaching for a chair when -

She jumped back, scalded.

A big hand landed a moment - a second, half a second, milliseconds – later.

In the same place where her hand was.

Probably not only Rey was shocked, because at once everything went silent.

Ren stood up; a dark shadow fell on them all and - in absolute silence - he pushed quietly her chair away.

'Here' she heard.

It could have been a gentleman's gesture; moving the chair away for the lady.

But Kylo Ren certainly wasn't a gentleman.

There was no courtesy in his voice, even if it was soft and gentle – it was an order.

‘Thank you’ Rey replied, though it certainly was the last thing she wanted to say now.

Without looking at him, she sat up, feeling Ren push the chair lightly - he pushed it to the table. What a debonairness!

She wanted to vomit.

And she couldn’t say anything, because only thing she was thinking about was to just run away.

[Coward! Coward]

Ren sat back in the chair, and the technician began to help her put on the microphone. Maybe for a moment – for too long - Rey was looking at the profile of her rival. Aquiline nose, lips – so _chapped_ \- eyelashes casting long shadows, as well as hair curling against his sharp jawline.

He looked like the profiles of the Roman rulers on tarnished coins from times of lost empires, like a Templar Knight - like a warrior, like _a cursed prince_ -

"Is that okay?"

The technician's voice made her look away.

'Yes' muttered and looked down.

She was sitting too close – the distance of that dozen or so inches wasn’t enough. The whole core of Ren’s presence was the true negative aberration and aberrant negation in purest and most confusing way; she could feel his coldness radiating through her, burning, melting her skin, burning her soul, into her every being with every wave of radiation - and at the same time she felt trapped, like she was caught between the primal, unknown forces of nature - with desire to get closer to that cold sun and perish and desire to flee and survive.

[do you have a death wish, mrs király?]

_Deadlock_ , she could hear Ren say that, loud and clear in her mind.

Hux came in and took his place at the other side of the table. The room dimmed its lights.

Red lights on the camera were on.

[Kylo, many congratulations, a huge day for you. Can you just describe your emotions right now?]

Faint smile, smirk actually. Kylo shifted on his chair. He opened his mouth but – Rey didn’t hear anything.

_Almost anything._

_The target now is to focus on the race and try to do the best race possible – but obviously it’s amazing to be here…_

_…you were fastest in all three segments of qualifying. You set a new track record. Leave anything on the table or was that last lap in Q3 perfect?_

_…Today I am very satisfied. I think I put all three of my best sectors together, which is what I wanted. Then, of course, you can always do better but I’m extremely happy._

They asked Ren first, then Hux. She was there, but she wasn’t really present. Her mind wandered, her mind was lost, she felt -

Rey heard her name and at once took a deep breath.

‘Do I think I have a pace to beat them tomorrow?’ she repeated the question; her voice was weirdly breathless, she definitely didn’t look like she was all right.

‘Yes, Rey, do you think you can?’

Faceless faces, flashes of cameras, red light on recording – everything will be set forever in stone called the Internet.

‘I mean, yes, I do’ she started. ;I made changes to the car overnight and during the day today so I’m hopeful the car is in a better position. I had a deficit for three-tenths at least all day yesterday to Poe and managed to turn that around a little bit. It’s very tough on the tyres and it’s a physically-challenging circuit It is incredibly challenging for the car as well, so I just hope that there’s some excitement tomorrow – one way or another, but I’m prepared for everything .

Another reporter rose his hand.

‘Andrew Benson, F1 Racing’ he introduced himself as all reporters when question from the floor were asked. ‘It’s a question for you, Rey. Leia Organa clarified yesterday that it’s very important that the two drivers are not fighting, taking risks and battling each other. So in that context, how will you approach the start and turn one in tomorrow’s race? And the fact that you beat your teammate, Poe Dameron, who is not only a reigning champion but also, in fact , like a brother to you, complicates the whole situation?

Rey sat still for a moment, her mind blank – _carte blanche._

_Breathe in, breathe out._

_You got it, Rey_ , she heard Luke’s voice. _You’re a professional._

Kylo put his pale hand, still sprinkled with freckles and constellations of beauty marks.

‘I think it’s pretty clear that from the team’s point of view when we got at least one of our cars today in first three in qualifying, the order is irrelevant for them’ she said as the fingers started to tap the rhythm. ‘We obviously have a very, very tough race ahead of us tomorrow so I think we need to work as a team and try to make sure we can… ‘

Rey took a deep breath, maybe – something – something as Kylo’s fingers tapping soundlessly on the table – was highly distracting, but also -

‘Well, to be completely honest, we haven’t done the pre-race meeting yet so at the moment I don’t know. If you ask me, I will do absolutely everything to be faster than Poe and… beat this guys right here – ‘

Hux laughed.

‘Pardon me’ he said. ‘I choked on something.’

‘Maybe your stupidity’ mumbled Ren clenching his hand into the fist.

Rey blinked.

‘I…’ she really lost track of her thoughts. Of course she knew why Hux laughed; challenging Mercedes was now a wishful thinking. ‘The fact that me and Poe are teammates and that we… grew up together, doesn’t change anything. We are drivers we were rivals since we started driving. But we respect each other, n0 matter what, but –‘

She took a deep breath.

‘Maybe ‘I am a rookie’ she sounded different now. More fierce. More… serious. Maybe I am a woman, but I’m here like any other driver. To win. And I will continue on doing my job the best I can.’

Rey proudly straighten up .

‘I have nothing. To. Add’ she said. ‘I’m a driver. Firstly and primarily. _A driver._ ’

Silence filled the room after her words. Rey looked at the faceless reporters, feeling the pride and sudden will to fight. She could do it. She was her own person; even if she owed it to the people and didn’t want to disappoint them, she could –

_Stop being a coward._

She noticed a sudden change in the conference room – whispers, hushes - and the squeak of a sliding chair.

‘I'm so sorry ’said Ren, standing up. ’I will come back in a second.’

Rey - like everyone else - stared in a daze at Ren who disappeared behind the door.

What was just happening?

Nobody ever left the press conferences.

She even looked confused at Hux, who at once grimaced at her like she was a poop under his shoe.

Maybe for him she was.

However… she felt it again. That sense of… danger.

[Not anticipation?]

The familiar deep voice got her back into the reality. If her reality was real. It was a feverish dream, a nightmare, a -

‘I know that ... it's not very polite to leave in the middle of the press conference, but –‘

Ren came back. Only that – he didn’t come back empty handed. Rey was stunned. She was shocked. She was… speechless.

There was a bouquet of red roses in his hands and –

[No, it _couldn’t be –_

Cadbury caramel chocolate.

_Her favourite._

Kylo looked directly at her. He didn’t look like Ren actually, there was such softness of his features, such gentleness, like –

[No, Re _y, no –_

Her heart missed a beat. 

‘I have a very important thing I need to tell Rey’ Ren whispered. ‘Now.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *evil laugh*
> 
> Oh man, how much I do enjoy this.
> 
> Don’t be mad at me, look I am MEAN. I DO LOVE TORTURIING MY READERS.
> 
> GET OVER IT.
> 
> Oh, I hope you don’t hate me. Hymm, what will happen next? Why Kylo has flowers for Rey? What Rey will do????
> 
> Tune in for next chapter ;)
> 
> Maybe there’s not much F1/racing stuff here, but hymm, AG’s wiki time:
> 
> Maranello (Modenese: Maranèl) is a town and comune in the region of Emilia-Romagna in Northern Italy, 18 km from Modena, with a population of 17,165 as of 2013. It is known worldwide as the home of Ferrari and Scuderia Ferrari Formula One racing team. Maranello was also home to coachbuilding firm Carrozzeria Scaglietti, owned by Ferrari.
> 
> Understeer and oversteer are vehicle dynamics terms used to describe the sensitivity of a vehicle to steering. Oversteer is what occurs when a car turns (steers) by more than the amount commanded by the driver. Conversely, understeer is what occurs when a car steers less than the amount commanded by the driver.
> 
> Short version (for idiots; me is that idiot, not you)
> 
> Understeer: the car does not turn enough and leaves the road
> 
> Oversteer: the car turns more sharply than intended and could get into a spin
> 
> And I think that’s all. Not much racing here :(
> 
> If you have any questions, feel free to ask. If you hate me, I understand. Just if you hate me and kill me you won’t get another chapter so better… don’t kill me.
> 
> If you want to follow me on tumblr or insta:
> 
> Tumblr: redbullmocktails.tumblr.com  
> Instagram: instagram.com/agprosinska/
> 
> Thank y’all for reading this chapter! Stay safe, wash hands, sit on yer butts at home.
> 
> See ya later!


	10. Chapter 9: One beast and only one howls in the woods by night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ladies and gentlemen, non-binary folks, dudettes and dudes - *snare drums* - AG wants to present to all of you Chapter 9 of the absolutest of absolute shitshow called “DRIVEN”!
> 
> Okay, pardon me for that lame intro, y’all. But somehow I gotta introduce the next chapter. Be thankful you didn’t see me dab (and believe me I did it once during Spanish class because I don’t have that virtue called “dignity”).
> 
> So, I just wanted to say sorry for all of you that waited well, a week – I felt I make you all wait a bit too long, but I had a research paper to write for my absolutely favourite writing professor (*aaa dori me bless Mr Kirk aaa*) and I had to use 3 days on writing it. If you’re interested it was based on Angela Carter’s (I know, but I LOVE THAT WOMAN, OKAY?) “The Passion of New Eve” and I mainly discussed there the socio-cultural construct of female identity and how patriarchy used myths to make women inferior to men. 
> 
> me: female identity  
> my brain: titty  
> me: no –  
> my brain: titties!
> 
> Yep. It’s what happened. 
> 
> So, I’m damn proud of this paper, my poor professor probably will get a stroke reading it, but y’all should check that book. I’m actually a proud translator of the Polish version of this book and let’s hope – maybe in 2021 - it will be published.
> 
> Sorry, but I’m just a bit of a show-off. 
> 
> PS Title of the chapter is taken from Carter's story "The Company of Wolves".
> 
> But yeah, I prefer quality over quantity and I felt you all deserve more to read. And this chapter is long, okay? Over 6 k words. And huh-huh, I don’t wanna spoiler much, but yeah.
> 
> Real shit is about to happen, guys.
> 
> *evil laugh*
> 
> I really wanna say again massive thank you to all of you that leave comments! I’m so used to write for my gf and me and I usually let my books to be read to like 3-4 people and my gf really wanted me to write this fanfic (because according to her I’m such a good writer, but you know, woman in love) and knowing you enjoy this story is so wonderful! Thank you! *hugs*
> 
> That’s why I wanna actually share with you the video she made for this fanfic. You can find it right here -> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4T816WuZVvw
> 
> I actually screamed watching it (and I watched it for 5 hours straight while writing the rest of the chapter). God, I love it so much! She doesn’t believe me when I say she’s amazing at editing videos, so let’s prove her otherwise! 
> 
> Also, I apologise for that terrible drawings in the chapter.*
> 
> *unfortunately, I’m the artist
> 
> As always, I provide the link to “driven” playlist: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLaX7lYzfeohzt5SyhBwW-RdcxnoWee6e7
> 
> For this chapter, I mainly listened to this songs:  
> 1\. Britney Spears – Womanizer (fight me on that, that song SLAPS)  
> 2\. Spice Girls – Who Do You Think You Are  
> 3\. Lady Gaga – Paparazzi  
> 4\. Britney Spears – Gimme More  
> 5\. Moenia – Comerte Mejor  
> 6\. Kevin & Karla – One Kiss (Spanish version)
> 
> So, cut the shit, reading time. Enjoy!

> The wolf is carnivore incarnate and he's as cunning as he is ferocious; once he's had a taste of flesh then nothing else will do.
> 
> \- Angela Carter, _The Company of Wolves_

‘Rey.’

Rey closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

She couldn’t believe it.

She really… couldn’t believe it. It had to be a dream. A mare. She had to be dreaming, hadn’t she? She felt her cheeks redden even more, her lips got drier, her hands tremble. She was too aware of everything and –

She was too aware of _him_.

Kylo spoke again.

‘Some time ago… during the interview… I said something that was… unacceptable’ he began. ‘ I don’t want to… quote this, it’s so inappropriate and _demoralising_ …’

‘However… I was… I was, like you said to me, Rey, and you have all the rights to say it I was… an arsehole.’

Whispers filled the room.

‘Rey.’

His deep voice filled the black void of her mind. She couldn’t not notice how each vowel of her name was so soft, how Ren got his tongue around it, giving to it such delicious regret and pleading, like he was tasting, savouring the sound, verbiage and somehow still managed to make her know he was _mocking her_.

‘Rey… please… _look at me_.’

She couldn’t help it; she felt a shiver, that short but – god, no, no – that shiver, that pulse of pure electricity.

[Nobody ever made her feel like that.]

[Only him; _always_ him.]

‘I know you’re mad at me.’

Another quiet step.

Rey knew she has no choice, she had to open her eyes.

She did it.

Ren stood in front of her – not away, but too close nevertheless. Tall dark figure, looming over everyone, spreading darkness around. He was the contradiction; the gelid Sun, devoid of light, made of hatred, somehow still burning her alive.

 _Don’t come closer_ , she thought, she begged him.

She was weak, too weak and it was grueling, she felt –

So powerless.

Ren took a deep breath. She saw an almost invisible change in his face; as if he could sense the shadow of her thoughts. Something changed in his eyes - yes, the face was still a mask of softness, scattered beauty marks, now-faded scar from the past and impervious features of young Hades - there again it didn’t cover his eyes.

His face, the mask he was wearing, never covered his eyes.

His eyes were sharp and ruthless, full of twist, hunger.

And Rey knew what he wanted.

She wasn’t even aware when she stood up – her body acted in certain way, mind in other. She actually felt there was nobody else, but only them.

Only them.

‘I’m so… so sorry. I was… a coward’ he said, but really he was accusing her.

 _She_ was the coward.

Rey hold his stare, the stare that had the infinite weight of the black hole. Ren again took another step, closer; she could see now the determination in his eyes.

He wasn’t apologising to her.

He was challenging her.

‘For calling you like this, because in fact… you’re one of the greatest driving talents this world known’ he whispered. ‘ You’re not only an inspiration for young girls that were told they can’t never drive, but for everyone that said it’s impossible. I was an arsehole. I was, in fact, jealous. Of you. And I’ve said this thing… just to hurt… _you_.’

[Tell me what you really want.]

_< you>_

His lips – too plump, the lips that were the subject of envy for probably all women, lips too feminine to be given to a man – barely moved.

Ren was now in front of her – the distance between two was the bouquet of roses. The roses that smelt too sweetly and psychedelic that her world – that only consisted of radiating presence of Ren and her trying to resist him – was starting to perish.

She couldn’t look at the other hand. At that chocolate. She just wanted… to run away.

‘ _Rey_.’

She could look down. She could look up. She could yell. She could smile.

She could do anything and at the same time –

She couldn’t do anything.

‘I owe you an apology, Rey’ she heard. ‘My deeds and invectives are unforgivable and I know I cannot atone them in any way, but to beg of you to forgive my utter incivility regarding you. What I’ve said was said in anger, in… jealousy. I know… I don’t deserve to be forgiven. But… please… at least know… my apologies are sincere to my heart.’

Bellend, liar, you bloody liar, thought Rey. Bollocks, all you say is bollocks.

Kylo Ren didn’t have a heart.

He was hiding, behind this honeyed, overflowing, ornate, flowery, purple prose. He wasn’t really sorry, she wouldn’t go on any words he was saying. This words, beautiful words, were as empty as the shell of Ren’s heart; there was no love left in this man, and Rey knew it, because she was the one that pulverised it completely.

She wanted so much to just don’t believe it. But also, there was a part of her – that wanted to believe him, that really he was honest.

That stupid little girl that never learnt her lesson and Rey never actually killed her completely either.

She was trapped.

She was between Scylla and Charybdis, between the devil – _that_ devil – and the deep blue sea.

She was between the wolf and the deep black abysm.

If she was really free, if she weren’t a coward she would just tell him to jog on. She would slap him. She would pardon everyone and say she is going to powder her nose or something. But she couldn’t. If she would act the way she wanted it could mean she would get a backslash for her actions. Ferrari would get backslash for her actions. If she won’t accept his apologies, people will say she’s a proud bitch that doesn’t give a man a second chance and is soulless.

It’s how it worked.

Rey was once accused of looking too boyish and not enough like a woman, but at the same time when she once said she drives with sports bra, at once everyone said she shouldn’t say that things at loud. She wasn’t ever enough; she was criticised for everything.

Being a woman meant you were hated by men no matter what you do.

Rey felt a gazes of everyone on her. Waiting. For her. She knew Leia and Luke are watching it, she knew Poe, Finn and Rose too.

But she was alone. And she couldn’t actually do anything.

And Kylo Ren knew it. Because if men hated her, there was no other man that hated her more than him.

That’s why he did it. Because he knew her better than anyone else. And she did hate it. She hated him, she hated, god, she hated _herself_. Therefore, she hated him. It was a vicious circle, cycle, catch-22, over-and-over-and- over again and she couldn’t… break free.

Rey realised it’s what he wanted.

Her to do something.

She had enough. Of him having that power over her. That she was giving him so much power over her. She could let him do this – or fight.

[ _do not fight this_ , the wolf spluttered, voice so violent and gentle at the same time.]

_She had enough. She maybe could be weak; she will repeat on telling herself so._

It was something more than her weakness, her powerlessness now. Rey felt that, when she was running, working out and she felt close to giving up, she knew she couldn’t. Finn told her it’s a mental thing. It was about squaring the circle – overcoming the impossible.

How many times she was running and thinking ‘I can’t run anymore, I need to stop’.

But she didn’t stop.

Because the only limits you know are the ones that you set.

She wasn’t weak. She just believed she is.

_At some point you can cry – or get up and fight._

Rey clenched her fists.

And she looked Ren square in the eye.

‘Your words are as beautiful and eloquent as the words of a poet’ she said softly but in a strong voice.

She didn't have to shout to be heard.

‘But I cannot forget what you said earlier. You insulted me not only as a woman or as a driver. You insulted me as ... a human being. Apologies, flowers and ... '

Her eyes fell on the chocolate for a moment, but she immediately looked at Ren, who watched her.

_No._

You have no power over me.

Rey felt like Sarah from _Labyrinth_ when in the end she faced the Goblin King, Jareth.

He had no power over her – she let him have it.

Not anymore.

‘If you really wanted to apologize to me ...’ she began, proudly rising her chin. 'You would do it in a more secluded place. Not here.’

She remembered their talk, two days ago. Ren didn’t look very sorry then. So he definitely wasn’t sorry now.

‘Not that ... pardon me’ she turned to the audience. 'This is a private matter between us. This is ... the place of our work. And I don't like ... when there is a spectacle made of ... me.’

Her words vibrated for some time in heavy and dry air. There was absolute silence filling the room.

Kylo looked down for a moment, his eyelashes casting too long shadows across his even longer pale face. After a moment he again looked at her, two black holes instead of the eyes.

Bottomless, hungry.

And – a faint, yet sly smile appeared on his lips.

‘But you’re a spectacular woman yourself, Rey’ he breathed. ‘You can see… I hold this bouquet of roses, but none of them can even compare to you… the most spectacular of all English ones.’

Rey blinked. She just… stood agape, not able to articulate any of her thoughts.

… _spectacular?_

She was starting at Ren definitely for too long, her mind blank. She was shocked, because she just didn’t understand.

He could call her a coward, a liar, even a prostitute – but… spectacular?

‘They are for you, you don’t have to forgive me, because I don’t deserve your forgiveness’ he continued and his fingers started to caress the petals of the flower. Rey barely breathed. ‘But I can only offer you my servanthood as the… payback of offence to your honor.’

Rey could only hear a quiet gasp, maybe even a soft chuckle behind her, but it was a cabaret. A masquerade. A game. She knew it. And now…

She shook her head.

‘How chivalric of you, my lord’ Rey said, taking her eyes off the slender fingers and looked into Ren’s eyes. ‘But I don’t think your… as you said , servanthood is necessary. We have 21st century, not 14th, Don… Kylote.’

There was a gleam in Ren’s eye. She heard a gales of quiet laughter.

‘Mademoiselle Király as always has spectacular sense of _humour_ ’ he replied. ‘But… I insist.’

 _Of course you do_ , Rey thought.

She could resist. And make this cabaret go on forever. But Ren will come back, in one way or another. It will be a terrible hiccup – that will have a ripple effect not only on her career, press of life in general.

_Unless –_

There was no other choice for her now.

She could only stand on her dignity – it was all was left for her now.

‘So… I… forgive you’ she said. ‘We shall never speak of this again. It’s the past.’

[Kill the past.]

Kylo raised one eyebrow.

‘I’ll make sure I will earn your forgiveness from that day forth then.’

He extended once again his hand with bouquet of roses and chocolate. Rey gulped.

‘Thank You’ she whispered.

She took the flowers, hesitantly from his hands, avoiding at all costs touching him, but –

[again the pulse of electricity down her spine

She turned around, still chewing on her chocolate. Ben was right there, leaning on the doorframe.

Don’t stop.

I want to know how this poem ends.]

She draw a deep breath, their eyes met at the same time. Rey almost ripped the flowers and chocolate out of his hand and pressed it against her.

[just… you have… a chocolate right _here_.]

Ren’s face was now deadpan. Rey held his stare. Although, she could say he was also, too, breathing slightly faster – his arms moved, she could see the tension in his jaw, posture.

Her skin was burning.

Rey actually didn’t know what’s got into her.

But she just – she felt her hand, right one, burning with fire, raise up, extend to him.

Ren looked at it. Then he looked at her. Rey held her head up.

She waited.

Slowly, he took her palm; he was so gentle she was even more surprised. Ren wasn’t known or being gentle, but he touched her like he was afraid too much force would crush her, like before with rose’s petals And her tanned hand looked ridiculously small in contrast with his.

She noticed there was a white plaster on his finger.

He got down a bit and – after a while – Rey saw his lips touch her hand.

_Oh God._

At once she thought her mind with explode with sensation.

It was no longer the fire that consumed her.

It was _him_.

It was just a peck, but her lips were already dry, her body was all electrified. Damn this lips, those lips - she felt how chapped they were now on her skin, but it wasn’t enough. The old desires, those desires, the ones she meant to be undisclosed, was now burning her alive.

 _He_ was burning her alive.

She didn't think he would go that far, to be honest. But what exactly did she expect? That he wouldn’t do that? Rey challenged him and she lost. Rey played with fire even though she was burnt in the past.

But the fire was beautiful. Too alluring - and he was consuming her, slowly and she wanted to be consumed.

[ ~~consume me~~ – _annihilate_ – eat – **devour me** ]

Kylo glanced up, dark-eyed, lips still on her skin.

‘Thank you’ Rey whispered. ‘Now we can say you’re a… gentleman.’

Kylo hold her hand for a few seconds, before letting it go.

For a moment she had a feeling she can see a glimpse of yellow in his eye.

[the wolf may be more than he seems.]

She couldn’t stand it anymore.

She turned around.

‘Now… excuse me’ she smiled. ‘I need to powder my nose.’

And before anybody could stop her, Rey walked out of the room.

*******

‘Servanthood? Who would say you’re such a gentleman.’

Kylo didn’t even look at that fucking gingerbread of Hux. His mind was preoccupied with more important matters. The press conference was finished; the reporters were walking out of the room, the technicians were helping him take off the microphone.

‘If I didn’t know, I would say you… _court_ that little brat. My bad… _bratte_.’

Kylo stood up. Hux raised an eyebrow.

‘Maybe you’re not familiar with being a gentleman, ‘coz you’re a fuckin’ cunt.’

Hux blinked, surprised and opened mouth to say something, but Kylo was faster:

‘Look, Hugsie’ he leaned in. ‘Manners maketh the man, do they? But I forgot, you’re no man.’

He backed away, feeling a smile spreading his lips.

Hux had a poker face.

‘And do they… _maketh_ you?’ he said. ‘you brag about being your own man, but still you feel the privilege of being Organa’s son and Skywalker’s nephew. That’s why Snoke chose you, not for your talent, but… _heritage_.’

Kylo felt his eye twitch. Hux smirked.

‘That’s why…’ he said, coming closer – not facing him. ‘That little bastard, scavenger Skywalker took in, won’t ever take you seriously. You’re only a malicious cousin to her.’

_It wasn’t love._

Kylo clenched his fists.

No, he won’t fall for that. He won’t – he won’t give Hux that satisfaction.

He had his plan. And he did well, he did amazing –

Why then he felt so… unsatisfied?

The sight of seeing stunned Rey’s face, when she saw him. he knew he will throw her off balance, definitely. It wasn’t even about the roses Kylo wanted her to see that chocolate. Getting a Cadbury caramel in Bahrain was actually kind of impossible thing to do, but he was Kylo Ren – by far the most famous F1 driver in the world and he had name of Snoke behind him, so it gave him all of the privileges you could possibly think of.

Rey’s lovely face turning into the pinkest sunset of flushes, glows emblazing only the Milky Way of freckles scattered across the cheeks and pointy nose. Why even thinking about this made his heart flutter.

Rey Kiraly wasn’t the most beautiful girl in the world, after all. Not definitely after everything she has done to herself, with Skywalker’s blessing to keep her away from loverboys’ dirty hands to keep her _honour of Saint Virgin Rey untouched._ Cutting her hair short, pageboy style, minimal – if no-make up in general – wouldn’t cover her true appearance that only break through, shone under the mask of plainness they forced upon her.

He knew she would accept his apologies. She had to – not when he did it in front of everyone. She wasn’t Skywalker by blood, but by upbringing.

Kylo was perfectly aware how ambiguous his apologies were. How actually – telling they were.

Because, Hux, as a matter of fact, that whoreson, was right.

Kylo Ren indeed was trying to make it look like he courts Rey.

You don’t pledge allegiance to your “cousin”, you don’t give red roses to the woman, if you don’t woo her. There was always that subtle language of subtext and Kylo knew – from years of living with most subtexual family that never spoke differently than in allusions – true meaning of reading between the lines. And he knew how to use it. In few minutes, the pictures, the video of them, will be forever in the ether of the Internet and by tomorrow, they will make headlines. People will be enamored by his eloquent apologies, how – chivalric – he was.

It’s what would scare Skywalkers and Rey the most. The fact that he was showing his hand , in that subtle, subtexual way and he was giving the clear sign to other, eventual suitors: _this girl is mine._

[ _she always has been_ ]

He actually liked it. He did really like it. It was part of this great game, of his revenge on her, the payback for her denying all and payback to his shitty family, but why -

Why he was actually feeling he was – to some extent – honest in his apologies?

His scheme was taking its toll on him already. He was supposed to outplay both Snoke and Rey.

But he felt he is outplaying himself. Sabotaging himself, because –

His lips still tasted of salt. Of her skin.

And it was like a realization after years – if not decades, centuries, millennia – you had been dying of thirst and no water can slake that thirst, quench that fire in your throat, but only one touch of slender feminine fingers, soft skin, a kiss of rosy lips -

‘You can say whatever you want, Hux’ said coldly Kylo.

Hux rolled his eyes.

‘Hell will freeze over before she would even accept you’ Hux snorted. ‘She would even faster accept me, not that if I wanted that skinny girl, she’s not a real woman.’

Kylo’s fist clenched tigher.

Oh really, he thought. He knew the truth; Hux wasn’t so different from other kids, back there, when they were lighting in kadet classes in karting; when there was like, one girl competing with 30 boys and the girl was as pretty as Rey, they all had crushes on her. They could say they didn’t – but Kylo knew the truth.

If they didn’t he wouldn’t need to fuckin’ threw one from her room.

‘Maybe you’re saying that, because you want someone else’ he replied nonchalantly. ‘Someone that didn’t even care you exist.’

Hux looked at him.

‘Who?’ he laughed, but he looked uncomfortable

Kylo shrugged.

‘You tell me’ he laconically.

Mitaka waited for him when he left the press conference room.

‘Sir… we have to… go for engineers meeting, but your…’

‘Give me your phone’ he said. ‘I need to check something.’

Mitaka at once gave him his tablet. Kylo rolled his eyes at the wallpaper – god, really Mitaka had “Live Laugh Love” wallpaper? Was he a suburban mom or something or a press officer? - and clocked the Instagram icon.

‘Sir –‘

‘Look, I don’t care if you follow trillion of blogs of vegans moms’ he mumbled. ‘Who eat tofu or whatever the other soil it is. I gotta check if –‘

‘If there are pics from press conference.’

Kylo was silent, scrolling the feed.

‘Contact the photographers, I want the picture when I kiss the hand’ he said, giving Mitaka a tablet, but before his assistant took it, Kylo took it back. ‘And… change your wallpaper. That’s an order.’

Mitaka blinked.

‘Yeah, okay, I mean –‘

‘Are you fuckin’ Gayle Waters-Waters? Maybe you’re eatin’ a fucken couscous.’

‘Sir, but you eat couscous too. Even today.’

Kylo opened his mouth and then he raised his finger.

‘Picture. The kiss on the hand. You have an hour, after I’m done with engineers’ he said.

He smashed tablet onto Mitaka’s chest, his assistant almost lost balance.

Kylo strutted his way back into the paddock. He could be pleased with himself. Yes. Definitely. Rey was still there, in his mind, when he was passing the hospitalities of other teams, going back to the pit lane to discuss the telemetry and prepare for tomorrow’s race –

Kylo stopped.

The white lights of the paddock hang between dark palm trees were reflecting in the metal surface of the trashcan. Maybe he just was seeing things. He should go. He really was casting time, but also –

Kylo took a step closer. And looked down.

He closed his eyes at once. Took a deep breath and backed away.

Of course.

What else did he expect?

Why he was even… hurt?

He turned back, feeling coldness rising in his chest.

Rey Király was only showing her true colors.

He walked away then, leaving the roses and chocolate, where – according to Rey – they belonged, along with his feelings.

In a trashcan.

*******

’I don’t - I really can’t fuckin’ believe it! ’

'Poe -'

Rey couldn't remember exactly what happened after the press conference. She left the press room, almost blinded by hatred, rage, and -

She wanted to throw those roses, chocolate and scream - so loud that her scream would echo throughout the paddock, through the walls to the moon on the sky.

But she couldn't. She could just scream internally and feel like she was dying inside.

Rose, who was waiting for her, was already making calls and when she finished, she hugged her.

‘You need to calm down’ she said quietly. ‘Nothing happened that could not be undone by good press.'

Press. PRESS. Of course. Rey felt like she was going to explode, she wanted nothing more than to just run at Ren, throw herself at him, hit, ask him, scream - _why_.

[ _why_ did you do that?]

[ _why_ did you do this to me?]

[ _ ~~why~~_ ~~did she still feel ** _that_**?~~]

Rey would prefer– oh god she would – Ren to ignore her. When he would just hate her. Because it was easier to distance yourself with hatred, but here -

Ren was getting equal with her. She knew it. Subconsciously, she knew he was taking revenge on her, because she rejected part of his deal. So he checkmated her, pushed her into a corner – and not any corner, but fucking Eau Rouge of humiliation.

'How could you?!'

And now, she was sitting, all dumb, when Poe was giving her the typical older-brother-is-furious-with you lecture.

'Poe, my dear' said Leia, who also seemed to be as dumb as Rey, but also exhausted. ’Don´t shout.’

‘What else can I do?’ he, of course, shouted in reply. ‘Did you see that, did you, fuck, have you seen -’

‘Language, Poe!’

‘He gave her flowers. He apologized, aunt. He gave her chocolate, flowers - roses! And she even let him kiss her hand.’

‘Can’t you stop talking like I’m not here?!’ Rey yelled out. Her face was so tense, her body was so tensed that she never thought she could be in such pain.

Poe took a deep breath.

' _No puedo creerlo_ ' he mumbled. ‘ _Culero, verga!_ ’

Leia and Rey took a breath at once.

Poe squeezed his nasal septum and tousled his hair after a moment.

'I'm sorry’ he said, his shoulders relaxed. ’I’m… so sorry.’

He looked at the flowers again and cursed again.

Leia buried her face in her hands.

They were alone in the engineer's room, but Rey was sure that the thin walls didn’t suppress the screams of the three of them. She was shocked, she was so tired. It was well after 8 pm already, and she - after today's free practices, qualy, the entire press conference - was on the verge of exhaustion.

Poe moved the chair – it squeaked terribly - he sat in front of Rey.

‘ _Mi cacahuate._ ’

Rey laughed involuntarily.

‘You know how bad this sounds in Spanish?’ she asked quietly.

‘Yeah, peanut sounds better’ he admitted.

They both looked at Leia at the same time.

'Talk, just talk' she said. ‘Please.’

Poe looked at Rey and then took her hands into his.

'Rey ... I know ... I'm behaving terribly. I shouldn't yell at you, but also ... he behaved ...’

‘I had no choice, Poe’ Rey mumbled.

Poe caressed her palms with his thumbs and Rey felt the wave of affection towards him. This difference - his beautiful, caramel skin, her pale skin – they weren’t real siblings, but Rey could see the same marks of hard work, some scars she was the witness of birth, something deeper than just blood that made them a family. Their hands were familiar in the placement of freckles, of blisters, years of growing up together.

‘I don't trust Ren’ Poe whispered and looked her straight in the eye. ‘I don't like that he gave you flowers, that ... he said it as if ...’

Rey frowned.

'Pardon?'

Poe shook his head.

'Tía?'

Leia shook her head.

‘Poe, maybe really Ben - ’

' _Aunt_ -'

Leia raised her hands, helplessly.

'I know. He doesn't answer any calls, nothing. He’s not Ben anymore, I know. But ... maybe that he apologized to Rey ... means something.’

[I will owe you... something.]

[What you really want?]

<You.>

_< You.>_

**_< You -_ **

Rey took her hands away. Poe took a deep breath and sat back on a chair.

'Yes, auntie’ he said. ‘It means _something_. We know perfectly what does it mean.’

Rey swallowed hard. Poe got up.

‘These roses ...’ he began. 'God, you are women, you know what that means! It’s red roses. You never give it to… your family! And everyone will catch this. Ren made it clear.’

Rey looked down.

‘Everyone knows that Rey was adopted by his uncle. Everyone knows that me and Rey ... are like siblings. That ... even Ren is like ... my brother.’

Rey closed her eyes.

‘Aunt, he made it clear that he doesn’t see Rey as ... his sister. He did it on purpose.’

God.

‘Poe –‘ Rey whispered.

'Rey, no' he interrupted her immediately. ‘It will destroy us! If Ren starts to drag out what happened in the past, why he cut himself off from our family, and the truth - '

‘Maybe this truth is not that scary!’ Rey raised her voice. ‘Maybe we are too paranoid about that! Maybe we're just all so focused on looking like a perfect family that we stop being one!’

Poe opened his mouth and took a step back.

There was silence and her too fast-beating heart. Poe stared at her.

'I knew it' he breathed. ‘He ... he got you.’

Rey blinked, her lips trembled, she wasn't sure -

She covered her mouth with her hand.

She just understood what she just said.

‘No’ she whispered. She looked at Leia, who had tears in her eyes. ’I ... I didn’t mean it, I -’

‘You did mean it, Rey’ Poe hissed. Rage was now buzzing on his face, under his features. ‘Oh god, Rey, you ... I almost believed you, but you’re still -’

'No!'

‘You just confirm that you didn’t learn anything’ he said. ‘But yeah, be like that, Rey. You will end knocked out with his child and your career will be over thanks to media eating you alive thanks to that incestuous - ’

‘How dare you!’ Rey yelled.

Rey raised her hands and let out a short scream.

‘Look at you, you… fucking pendejo!’ she pointed at him. ‘You are ... a _hypocrite_! You say you want to protect me, but I'm capable enough of handling myself! But you - '

"Oh, no, no, no Rey –‘

'YOU!' Rey stabbed him in the chest with her finger that he almost tripped over.

'You don't have enough courage to admit you're gay!'

[ _oh yes_ ]

She pulled away from Poe, breathing heavily. Her body - oh god, she saw his face shocked and she –

She felt wonderful. Her body was filled with wild satisfaction, she was grinning widely, if not – god, psychotic.

‘How do you think Finn feels?’She asked, in low voice. ’He has a boyfriend who is a coward!’

It was a cheap shot, but clear one and good one. She had no remorse of saying it at loud. She had enough, she wasn’t a small stupid girl, she didn’t need Poe when he was himself no better than her.

Poe glared at her.

'Maybe it's not about me, after all’ she continued. ’But you. You are so scared to admit that because you are worried about the backslash! ’

'Children!' Leia stood up. 'Calm down!'

Poe was breathing like a bull ready to charade at her and -

’Oh, really?’ he said, with vicious gleam in his eyes.

And before Rey said anything he grabbed the roses and chocolate from the table.

'Poe!'

Smash of the door -

_No._

Leia sank into a chair -

‘ _Oh no_ ’ she mouthed.

\- and Rey rushed after Poe onto the paddock.

‘Don’t do that!’ she begged.

She knew what he wanted to do.

‘You know, Rey, that we can’t have what we want!’ he turned to her. He hold her roses - that roses, that were so beautiful in the darkness of the Bahrainan night – over the dustbin.

‘I'm sorry ’he said and she saw tears in his eyes. ‘I know it's ruthless, but I'm doing that for you. You can’t keep them.’

And then he smashed roses and chocolate into the dustbin.

Rey opened her mouth to say something, but –

[she couldn’t]

She felt sudden pain in her chest, a tear – a tear falling down her cheek.

She looked down.

‘I'm sorry’ she heard. Poe came closer and put a hand on her shoulder. ‘You can’t let him get inside your head again. He forced you to do that things.’

[ _no, no, no,_ she thought. _he didn’t_.]

[ _I… I wanted them_ ]

‘You ... didn't have to ... throw that flowers away’ she said, her voice weak.

Why the thought of that beautiful flowers and wasting the chocolate was breaking her heart?

Rey looked at Poe, who had a stony face.

‘You're right ... that I am a coward" he whispered, eyes glossy. ‘But we’re both knew what it means to be in F1 and they would destroy us if they knew the truth. If they knew the truth about both of us.’

[Don't let them make you, mold you into someone you're not.]

'Ren knows the truth and he can destroy us' Poe said. ‘He could destroy you, Rey. Leia ... Luke. You even said that, he can speak like a poet, but - '

'Leia misses him, Poe' Rey interrupted him. ’He’s her son. And - '

’And she’s better without him.’

Poe shook his head.

’And you’re better without him too. Rey’ he added. ’You're an inspiration now. And icon. You will be the legend, like Leia and Luke. Your reputation ... is now everything. You’re on the way of greatness.’

His brown eyes-eyes of the color of wet tress in the forest, so soothing, so familiar - rested on her.

She didn’t like that. She wanted to be the driver, yes. But… she didn’t want to be some kind of myth, she didn’t like that whole mythologisation.

She wanted to be seen as a person.

And she wasn’t… even one in the eyes of her… brother.

'Please, be careful' Poe said and she looked at him. ‘Don't let him ... brainwash you again.’

[is ren really the one to brainwash her?]

Poe leant in and kissed her cheek.

‘You should get back to the hotel.’

'I need to talk to Holdo' she replied hollowly. 'Telemetry.'

Poe nodded.

‘Yes, of course ... and I need to –‘

He went silent. Rey gulped.

’I want to be alone.’

He smiled at her, but this smile was so forced and she knew.

It was _their_ smile – the Sywalker’s smile.

[what kind of people smile when they are miserable?]

Rey stood still for a few - or more- seconds - looking at the trashcan.

Her heart was broken long time ago, but it seemed ...

you could still have it broken even harder.

Rey came back to Leia, who was holding her phone in absolute silence of the empty engineers’ room.

‘I'm wondering ... if to call Luke’ she said. ‘He is not keen on watching press conferences, but I prefer him to find out from ... us than The Sun tomorrow.’

Rey pulled up a chair and sat down.

‘I'll call him tonight’ she said quietly. 'I promise.'

Leia nodded.

‘Do ... do you think ...’ she began, but fell silent.

‘Yes…?’

Leia sighed heavily.

‘Maybe Poe is right’ she said. ‘But today ... I watched the conference and ...’

Rey bit her lip.

‘What if ... we made a mistake?’ Leia asked. ‘If ... I made a mistake? ’

Her question echoed in Rey's mind.

The years of feeling blame, of hatred, the way Kylo looked at her, laughed at her when she was younger and when she finally realised why he did it. There were so many memories she was even scared to look back at, why she was so –

Scared of herself.

It was so much easier to let them decide then.

_...but… their decision had its price._

[she was responsible for the existence of kylo ren.]

‘... I don't know’ Rey confessed finally, her heart beat slowly, dully. ‘I think it's too late now.’

Leia shook her head.

‘Maybe it's not’ her voice was hopeful, it only made Rey feel worse. ‘But also ... I don't know ... maybe ... yes ... Everything is falling. It's falling apart ... everything ... '

She put her cell phone down. For the first time in years, Rey really looked at her, stunned to see woman’s age – the years of worry, work, imprinted in her wrinkles, in the whiteness and greyness of her braided hair.

‘I was scared, Rey’ Leia whispered. ‘Luke too. And all this ... surprised us. Frightened us. But but…'

[do not say it]

‘Pardon me, aunt’ Rey interrupted her, feeling panic. ‘But ... but it's late. And I still haven't ... reviewed the telemetry.’

[ _run._ ]

Rey got up. Leia stared at her in amazement. She blinked and – she smiled.

'Of course, Rey. I won't stop you. Go.’

Rey – of course – smiled back.

'Thank you.'

However, even an hour later, already holding notes from the meeting with engineers under her arm, when she and Rose were walking through the paddock to the parking lot, Rey realised she feels...

She felt furious.

The fury at Poe, at Leia, at ... herself.

It was something more. She was so tired that she was surprised, but the fury, the madness – god, she felt she was losing her mind. Her hand where Ren kissed her was burning her alive, her cheeks were burning with it.

She couldn’t control it.

The words that Leia didn’t speak at loud, but Rey knew them and she was scared and–

She was more than mad.

So mad, so mad that ... she wanted something that was long gone.

And Rey couldn't let the past die.

It was the other way around, actually.

The past was killing her.

*******

Kylo was exhausted. The moment he came into the room, he just wanted to fall down on the bed.

He wasn’t the fan of going out actually. Not like Hux. But just couldn’t – he wished to stop – thinking about today.

He checked his phone – there was some messages from his team, Pryde, Palpatine, engineer. Some of the drivers from GPDA group asked something. Kylo wasn’t in the mood for any of that. He actually felt he is not in any mood – but more like, outside the mood.

He looked terrible, actually. He was pale, more like grey-pale, he had dark bags under his eyes. The longer he looked in the mirror at that reflection , the stranger it became to him. He felt like a stranger to himself in the end. He always felt alienated, but to feel alienated even within himself was entirely different.

Kylo knew he should just go to sleep. Do some quick repetition of some notes, watch maybe races, prepare. Or relax, but he has been never good at that.

His phone vibrated.

> **Mitaka**
> 
> _Pictures._

Kylo didn’t have the social media, but he would be the one to choose the ones that would go on the official Mercedes FO account after all. He really was so done, he was mad. How could she? Of course she would throw away the flowers, but still it hurt him and he was even madder that it hurt him.

He sat on the bed, squinting his eyes at the images sent to him by his assistant. He really was so done, he was mad.

‘Nope, nope, nopey’ he mumbled. ‘No-‘

He raised his head.

_Someone was knocking on his door._

Kylo stood up slowly. Nobody – except for Mitaka and people from his team - knew he is in this apartment. And they would faster die than come to him at this unholy hour.

So who could it be?

There was only one person that knew he is here.

He shouldn’t open the door. No, it couldn’t be her. It was stupid. It was irresponsible.

But the knocking repeated.

He came closer to the door and – after a moment of hesitation – opened it.

Kylo lost all of his breath.

‘Rey’ he breathed, because – really she was the last person he could expect now. She was still in her Skywalker Ferrari teamwear, but she looked… different.

‘What are you doing now?’ he asked, shocked. His lips burnt with the memory of her skin. All the anger he felt for her was gone. Just because he… felt happy he saw her. Now. That she came to him. Fuck the roses and chocolate. She could came to talk to him, like adults -

‘I mean why –‘

He didn’t finish. Rey’s face suddenly lost all of the human features, there was no civility there - just animalistic rage.

And then, with a roar on her lips, she just went on him, knocking him out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huh, huh, so here we are.
> 
> Sorry not sorry. You know me now. I’m the bad guy. I’m THE TEASER. Knowing you all lose your shit waiting for un update is what gives me power. I wear the clothes made of your tears. 
> 
> Okay no. but you get what I mean. What happens next? Rey yeeting herself at Kylo? HYMM WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT
> 
> Duh. Not telling ya.
> 
> As always AG’s F1-lingo Wiki time: 
> 
> Indianapolis 500 – I actually recalled that I didn’t explained that one. Sorry, my bad. So:  
> ‘The Indianapolis 500-Mile Race is the world's oldest currently operational automobile race. Better known as the Indy 500 or the Indianapolis 500, it is held annually at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway (IMS) in Speedway, Indiana, United States.’
> 
> Indy 500 is also one of three races that makes up the Triple Crown of Motorsport. When you win Monaco GP, 24 Hours of Le Mans and Indy 500 you get it. In history, only one guy who won it was Graham Hill, British driver. For now, only two drivers – Juan Pablo Montoya and Fernando Alonso – won 2 of 3. 
> 
> Skywalkers then had racing in their blood, huh?
> 
> Kadet – is a class of karting racing
> 
> Halo – I don’t remember is I explained it (probably forgot) so: 
> 
> ‘The halo is a driver crash protection system used in open-wheel racing series which consists of a curved bar placed to protect the driver's head.
> 
> The system was introduced in 2015 and became mandatory according to FIA homologation and regulation from 2018. The first tests with the prototypes equipped with the system were carried out in 2016 and in July 2017. Since the 2018 season the FIA has made the halo mandatory on every vehicle in Formula 1, Formula 2, Formula 3 and Formula E as a new safety measure.’
> 
> In short: it protects, it looks like a front of flip-flop. 
> 
> People lost their minds seeing it at first, but now they are used to it.
> 
> Eau Rouge – I mean the most famous corner, one of most famous, like Parabolica in Monza or 130R in Suzuka. Like if you’re into racing, you know that corner (and probably mistake it with Raidillon). 
> 
> Telemetry – ‘Telemetry is the collection of measurements or other data at remote or inaccessible points and their automatic transmission to receiving equipment for monitoring. The word is derived from the Greek roots tele, "remote", and metron, "measure". Systems that need external instructions and data to operate require the counterpart of telemetry, telecommand.
> 
> Telemetry is a key factor in modern motor racing, allowing race engineers to interpret data collected during a test or race and use it to properly tune the car for optimum performance. In Formula One, driver input is also recorded so the team can assess driver performance and (in case of an accident) the FIA can determine or rule out driver error as a possible cause.’
> 
> Ok, so now other wiki time:
> 
> Mare – British English: nightmare
> 
> Jon on - fuck off, but in British English apparently 
> 
> Bellend - idiot, but in British English
> 
> English Rose – ‘English rose is a description, associated with English culture, that may be applied to a naturally attractive woman or girl of traditionally fair complexion who is from or is associated with England.
> 
> The description has a cultural reference to the national flower of England, the rose, and to its long tradition within English symbolism.’
> 
> Gayle Waters-Waters (née Waters) – ‘is the main protagonist in Chris Fleming's Gayle YouTube series. She is a resident of the "Old Development" of the city of Northbread, Massachusetts on Kerrington Way. Waters-Waters is known for her spastic outbursts, such as kicking paper bags from Whole Foods and Trader Joe's and screaming the names of random actors' erogenous zones and proceeding to body slam various items in her house.’
> 
> Seriously guys, if you didn’t see “Gayle” series, I ORDER YOU TO WATCH IT. IT’S GOLD. 
> 
> And also – Kylo, I see you. 
> 
> Culero – asshole, but in Guatemalan Spanish
> 
> Verga – dick, but in Guatemalan Spanish
> 
> Cacahuate – peanut, but in Mexican/South American Spanish???
> 
> Pendejo – idiot, but in Spanish
> 
> No puedo creerlo - "I can't believe it" in Spanish
> 
> Okay, so I think it’s all for this chapter. I really hope I didn’t make you read too much, y’all. Also, I will once again fangirl about that AMAZINGEST VIDEO DONE BY MY GF, BECAUSE I FUCKING LOVE HER.
> 
> So, as usual, If you have any questions, feel free to ask, blah, blah, blah. If you once again feel sudden urge to kill me, nah. Sorry, but I really enjoy torturing you guys and it will only get worse.
> 
> If you want to follow me on tumblr or insta:  
> Tumblr: redbullmocktails.tumblr.com  
> Instagram: instagram.com/agprosinska/
> 
> Thank y’all for reading this chapter!
> 
> That’s all she wrote.*
> 
> How me, a Polish woman, educated in rather poor Ponglish, speaks like a Texan? I have no idea, y’all.
> 
> Howdy and see ya’ll next chapter!


	11. Chapter 10: Vous serez ma proie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey everyone – my dear, darling readers, ladies, gentlemen, dudettes, dudes – I want to say here we go – Chapter 10 of “Driven”, probably not your favoruite reylo fic of all time, but still good nevertheless, is here!
> 
> I want to begin this chapter with saying MASSIVE thank you to ALL of you that click, give kudos, comments on this story. You have no idea how much it means to me. Really, god a LOT. And not only for me, because maybe I’m the author, but yes (as always) I will thank my gf that she convinced me to write it – and share with all of you, because it pushes me out from my comfort zone and introduces me to new kind of writing – chapter by chapter.
> 
> Also, it's Daisy's b-day, so - happy birthday!!!! <3 <3 <3
> 
> This chapter was actually, oh, hard. You will see why. I mean no spoilers – huhu – but I really somehow managed to get another 6 k done in 7 days. I mean I will maybe ask what you think about this chapter in the end and talk more. 
> 
> I wanted to say too, that I will try – really – to make an update next week, but also it’s going to be Easter (well this week), I have some uni stuff to do and I feel I need some break from writing and just slower pace. I’m sorry guys, I don’t wanna disappoint you, but please understand :(
> 
> The title of this chapter will make sense, explained in the future chapters. Actually it’s my little treat from me to myself, because as you already know I’m Angela Carter fanatic and please god, just read her books, because she’s my idol and I wish one day to be even like not like her, but have a bit of her brilliance. 
> 
> Okay, so as always, I provide the link to “driven” playlist:  
> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLaX7lYzfeohzt5SyhBwW-RdcxnoWee6e7
> 
> Here you can watch the video for “driven” made by my beautiful gf:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4T816WuZVvw
> 
> For this chapter, I mainly listened to this songs (don’t judge me guys, I have ADHD I need songs that go boom boom at fast pace):  
> 1\. George Michael – Fastlove Pt 1 & 2 (fucki’ masterpiece)  
> 2\. Sade – Soldier of Love  
> 3\. Ariana Grande – God is a Woman  
> 4\. Lady Gaga – LoveGame (Drew Stevens Remix)  
> 5\. Lady Gaga – Bad Romance (Drew Stevens Remix)  
> 6\. Benjamin Ingrosso – Behave (I know, but I love this song)  
> 7\. Britney Spears – Toxic 80s Remix
> 
> So, that’s all for the intro. Please be my guest and enjoy the chapter!

> Her voice is filled with distant sonorities, like reverberations in a cave: now you are at the place of annihilation, now you are at the place of annihilation. And she is herself a cave full of echoes, she is a system of repetitions, she is a closed circuit. ‘Can a bird sing only the song it knows or can it learn a new song?’
> 
> \- Angela Carter, _The Lady of The House of Love_

_Be a lady_ , Leia said, when Rey was small and her aunt found her eating with her hands. Rey remembered how little she was used to eat back at the place she once called not an orphanage, but in her first-and-now-forgotten language and she was so overwhelmed with seeing so much food she just ignored the cutlery laying next to her.

 _Be a lady_ , Rey, Leia said, combing her long hair after washing them, when Rey looked at her reflection in the mirror, but more frequently at the beautiful face of her aunt, thinking if she would ever be as half as pretty as Ben’s mom when she will grow up.

 _You’re a true lady, Rey_ , Luke said, when she came down, in her black suit, before the FIA gala a year ago, when she was supposed to receive her trophy of FIA Formula 2 champion. She could see the admiration and pride in uncle’s eyes, the way it made her feel. She felt not the need, but the urge, the duty to fulfill her – if she could call them that way – adopted parents’ wishes. They gave her home, she had Poe, her brother, she could race, they gave her this life many children could only dream of, they gave her sense of –

 ~~she still felt alone.~~ ]

Rey knew to “be a lady” wasn’t actually being “a lady”. She learnt how to surpass her urges to jump on people and beat them up, when she knew it was the last thing she could do, to stop throwing slurs, how to imitate the British accent from TV shows and movies, how to use cutlery properly and table manners – she in fact, felt she is acting like a lady. It was like she was Eliza Doolittle from _Pygmalion_ , _My Fairy Lady_ by George Bernard Shaw. And she was, after all, Reymont Király, Luke Skywalker’s adopted daughter, Leia Organa’s adopted niece – and it was a privilege, but also required certain behaviour and responsibilities.

So Rey did it. Why wouldn’t she? She was given a chance one in a million and more, she loved Luke and Leia, she loved Poe, even grumpy and “emo” Ben, who laughed at her for unknown reason, but in the end, even he was helping her with some homework, unless Poe did it first.

 _Be a lady_ , so Rey attended the galas and fancy dinners, if she was asked to, even if she disliked wearing the nice dresses picked by her aunt herself, or when there were guest at uncle’s home – all of them admiring the shelves filled with Luke’s racing helmets, photographs from past of days of his racing glory as well as growing collection room of her trophies and triumphs over the years.

‘So, it’s our little Raymond? I thought she’s a boy, Luke’ said a man in a dark-suit, when Rey was maybe 11; there was a dissonance in his articulation; though proper, Rey knew he is not British or American like Luke or Leia, even Ben.

‘It’s Rey-mont, Caluan’ said uncle Luke and Rey felt how his hand reassuringly was close to her upper back. ‘Like that Noblist.’

‘Oh, my bad’ said the man. ‘Reymont, it’s a pleasure to meet such young lady like you. Luke doesn’t stop talking about you.’

‘Thank you’ she said quietly.

‘Rey, Caluan Ematt is my friend from Hungarians Embassy in London.’

‘And I think you’re like me then’ said Ematt. ‘I was born in Budapest too, of course _a century_ earlier. And imagine, people had problems with remembering my name as well, but Celesztin apparently scares people a lot.’

Rey felt a shiver down her spine. Uncle’s Luke friend smiled.

‘Nem beszélek magyarul?’

Rey felt a shiver of panic going down her spine, like the sound of a known words, but deep-buried language of her past came back. Luke took a deep breath – Rey felt how his hand grabbed the material of her dress on her back.

‘No, Ematt’ he said. ‘She can’t. She does not. Speak. Hungarian.’

Rey was pardoned and even when she turned around, she still felt that uneasiness, anxiety. She could only hear Luke’s whisper, coming to her even though the membrane of cacophonic voices.

‘We didn’t want her to know this language. She’s now a Skywalker. She’s _ours_.’

[but was she really one of them? As same as Poe – Skywalker not by choice, but fate?]

Rey did not speak Hungarian, even though she not once asked herself _how_ Luke found her – and why actually he did find her, there, an orphan in Budapest and actually picked _her_.

She met Ematt few times later, when he was at Silverstone and Hungaroring for F1 races.

However Rey – even when she was enthusiastically greet with Hungarians fans as a first ever Hungarian F1 driver – she didn’t compete under Hungarian flag; she even thought of herself as British and saw the same kind of disappointment on fans’ faces when she didn’t understand her – supposed - native language.

The same kind of disappointment displayed on Ben’s face as well, when she agreed to compete in European F3, even when she preferred to focus on her GCSE exams. However, could she refuse when probably the best team in junior series – Prema Powerteam - wanted her as their driver?

‘You can’t say no’ Poe said to her, when she shared her insecurities about her education. He was already in Prema Powerteam team, but in F2. ‘In the end, you won’t need exams and you’re talented enough to do both things at the same time.’

She could feel Ben’s eyes on her, when they were eating the usual Sunday dinner of Skywalkers. She remembered that there was ongoing argument between him and Leia, Luke and Han; they were convinced he should stop being a driver and think about becoming an engineer due to his height, but it wasn’t the matter of his anger that night.

She could remember how loudly he hissed when she declared she will accept Prema’s offer.

‘Good luck then, Reymont’ he said throwing cutlery on the plate; the silver sounds tingled in her ears. ‘You never know what you really want, don’t you?’

 _Be a lady_ , so Rey felt her cheeks redden, she looked down.

She knew Ben didn’t mean only that.

‘Ben!’ Leia was shocked and her son stood up – casting the shadow long enough to swallow Rey’s whole.

‘You don’t want that’ he said, eyes focus on her, even though Rey couldn’t see him, she knew he looks – stares – watches her.

[Tell them the truth.]

_Be a lady_ , they said.

_But a lady never kiss and tells._

But was she really a lady? Deep down, Rey felt more like a caged animal. She was, in the matter of fact, a bird in a gilded cage. Her whole life, everything she did – she lived in the bubble of luxury that people dreamt of; she had fame, she was said to become “the legend” being already one of the most successful female drivers in the history of motorsport, if not the most successful already.

[but is it really what you want, rey]

Her freedom was a lie – and here Kylo Ren was right.

He was right, that’s why she couldn’t turn down his apologies. Because she couldn’t.

 _A lady_ wouldn’t do that.

And that – the awareness of her cage, the fact she ignored, she tried to ignore – and Ren just hitting her in the face with it – well, in other words, made her mad.

Very mad.

Very, very _mad_.

It wasn’t the greatest idea. If it could even count as an idea. But Rey had two options; keep it inside her and probably tomorrow go and push Ren outside the track and get nicknamed as Rey-Torpedo or just go and explain to him – _like a lady_ – why, bloody hell, she’s just within an ace of committing the crime of murdering that absolute kettle he was.

Oh well.

She knew she shouldn’t. But she knew where he was – and what else she could do? She could do anything just to avoid any kind of… not fisticuff, but “caricuffs” tomorrow.

However, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, isn’t it? And Rey was on a highway to hell in her SF19.

The moment the door opened and she saw Kylo’s face – her common sense, nous – came in, adding that “in” in her sanity.

[be aggressive;

that said

do not let anger devour you]

[there's an equilibrated duality of a driver's mind

be aggressive as a ~~lion~~ _lioness_?

cunning as a ~~fox~~ _vixen_?

but logical and precise as a ~~machine~~ _man_ ]

[but be _a lady_

they said

and _a lady_ doesn’t scream blue murder and sees red]

The moment when Kylo opened the door, Rey felt like all buried anger, she tried to suppress, just _exploded within her. There was an explosion – of supernova of her bate, hypnernova of her heart._

There was a deaf sound when she hit him.

[ _be a lady_ , they said]

Rey had to take him by surprise – not only by her coming, but definitely by her aggression.

_they said_

[she was not less surprised to be honest]

Ren lost his balance and tripped over – and there was another deaf sound when he hit the ground, full of bewilderment and daze, trying to repose on his elbows. He looked like Rey just addled all of his brains and wits.

and _a lady_ doesn’t scream blue murder and sees red]

‘Rey’ he choked out, eyes wide open. ‘What the fUcKkkkKKKK aaARR –‘

[ _be a lady_ , they said]

She just howled –

[but maybe she wasn’t a lady at all

<her teeth weren’t teeth anymore>

she was something _more_

<she had fangs instead; claws too, not nails>

she herself was a wolfess

and today there was a full moon]

\- and she fell again on Ren, smacking door behind her.

[and she found her prey]

‘Oh f-fucking, BlloOOooDY HeeEE’ Ren yelled once again, when Rey – jumped - and found herself on him.

‘I hate you!’ she roared –

no, not her. She didn’t recognize that voice at all. It wasn’t her hands – paws – that were trying to reach his face, to draw blood, to hurt, to mark him, when he desperately attempted to grab them -

‘I HATE YOU!’

\- she roared, howled again, attacking him _again_. She was in frenzy. She could see the pure fear that coloured his eyes hazel. His face seemed to turn into porcelain. She was on him, ready to strike him down, best him, annihilate completely -

‘Rey!’ he called to her, when she hit his chest with her fist. ‘sToP! Rey! Rey!’

In her mind’s eye she could she how – firstly; fangs – claws – sinks into the warm flesh of his neck, how her lips sucks onto his skin, leaving a vicious, famished kiss of a carnivore, she-wolf she had become.

They wrestled for a while, she knew Ren’s is stronger than her – but she was quicker, she had pure animalistic, atavistic, primal fury within her, on her side, the adrenaline rush even greater than the one she felt during racing, after she WON THE RACE.

‘ _Rey_ ’ he breathed, with pleading and something _else_ in his voice, but she –

[she was too lost in this lust]

[she wanted blood – _his blood_ ]

\- everything was red.

scarlet, _crimson_.

everything was _rosso corsa_ –

\- another wild howl escaped her mouth as she saddled him furiously, almost falling from him, her fingers driving her nails into his chest, through material. Ren gasped, surprised, his lips agape and -

\- one hand covered her palm.

\- Rey gasped, too and -

\- before she realised what’s happening, there was a touch of another cold hand on her waist,

in a place where her shirt went up, on her naked fury-flushed skin.

They both froze, staring at each other, breathing heavily. Rey couldn’t think, just focus on the sensation, thousands time more powerful than a kiss of his lips on her skin. His hand burnt her – with its coldness, so she jerked on him, trying to break free from his grasp.

She gasped again, when she realised something .

‘Oh- oh god’ she whispered.

Oh god, she barely could think. She couldn’t mistake it for anything else, even if she wanted.

It made her mind go blank.

There was already a desperate desperation in Ren’s eyes, he seemed as lost as her, when Rey stared at him, stunned.

But in the blink of an eye, his face went pale, when the realisation of _her_ _realisation_ hit him.

‘ _You_ …’

[it was a mistake]

Now Ren took her by surprise. Rey didn’t even scream; she was so shocked, astonished – not to say poleaxed – that just after a while she realised she’s under him, his body pushing all air from her body. They both were panting, their eyes found each other again.

[she wasn’t mistaken]

[ _she felt it_ ]

Rey tried to move and Ren bared his teeth – and one quiet, but – cautionary – snarl escaped his lips.

She at once snarled back.

She jerked, with all the force she had within herself, all the rage that was left in her. She wouldn’t – she had to run away, from the fact _she still felt it, god, she felt it! She -_

‘Fuckin’ God! Rey!’ Ren pinned down her hands, his palms like handcuffs on her wrist. His legs and hips immobilised her. She tried to move, she was shifting, squirming under him, _snarling_ -

‘What the fuck is wrong with you!’ he roared. ‘Calm down!’

‘What’s wrong with you!’ she spat in his face. ‘You!’

She jerked again. The fingers on her wrists tightened, his body crushed her more – there was no place, nook of her body that wasn’t filled by him.

[well, there was one that wasn’t, but the more she tried to not think about that, the more _pressure she felt_ ]

[ _She had to run away. Away. She had to –_

‘Don’t even fuckin’ try to move’ he spluttered, when she jerked, much weaklier now.

Ren now really looked like a wild animal – the anger deformed his face that was now completely made out of teeth and a scar and black fur of his hair.

Rey saw a red marks of her nails on his neck.

So she scratched him, she thought, but before she even could think what she can do, Ren leant over her, an inch or two over her face, lips.

[run, _run –_

[she couldn’t.]

‘We’re going to talk, you and me’ he whispered.

His eyes were so fixed on her she couldn’t look away, breathless. He came closer, his chest on her chest, lips barley touching her ear. There was a growing sensation between her legs, she could feel _him **there**_ and she -

She couldn’t… she couldn’t… think.

‘And you, oh _sweetheart…’_

Ren’s voice was deep and sweet, like honey, like lead sugar.

‘You will _explain yourself.’_

Rey closed her eyes, feeling the jolt of electricity down her spine.

 _Sweetheart_ , she thought.

_Sweetheart._

‘I… don don’t… have to’ she finally bumbled.

Her voice was too-so quiet, so weak – when she wanted so much to sound strong. She felt like she forgot how to use her lips; actually, her lips were so dry, tongue so unused to the human speech anymore, so tangled in her mouth, desperately trying to imitate proper sounds. Rey felt she didn’t come back to being human fully – she still at the teeth on the brink, she was in the eye – heart – of the storm of darkness, his darkness, the darkness she did not fully comprehend and she didn’t –

She wasn’t afraid.

As the matter of fact, she was _hypnotised_.

‘You don’t have to?’ Ren enquired her, voice deep all-pervading her, her skin, her bones, to the atoms, hadrons to unnamable part of her being.

‘I think you do… _have to_.’

Ren’s voice was hoarse and devoid of something human. They both weren’t actually here, Rey thought in a flash of some remain of her sanity – however in a world, in a dimension – an alternate universe - where everything seemed to lost most logical laws of physics, were the only logic and laws were the ones that were illogical and contradictory in their psychedelic transcendence, fusing all of her senses together.

Rey turned her head to the side, to not face him, seeing the labyrinth of furniture’s underground. She indeed was in the maze made of her own thoughts, echoes – closing on her, in her, more and more –

[it was bad. It was good. It was dangerous. It was so good. It was a mistake, it wasn’t a mistake –

‘Look at me.’

Ren’s thumbs caressed the sensitive skin of her wrists as he braced himself on her. Rey at once took - or rather tried to – take a deep breath, but she couldn’t.

[annihilate me, please]

‘Rey’ she heard. ‘Look at me.’

She really didn’t feel anything, but only and just _him_ – the entireness of supermassive black mass of the darkest star of his soul and she was –

_She was consumed. Annihilated._

_Whole._

_Fully._

‘Look. At. Me.’

Rey felt as he pressed harder onto her - and good Lord, his body was enormous – she couldn’t help it; she weakly held a quiet moan back. It was too bad, too good, she was **g o i n g c _r_ a _zy -_**

[you can’t]

[fight it, fight it!]

[give in, give in –

never let yourself be caught.

do not look in the wolf's eyes.

_The wolf will eat you._

<his breath was so hot against her skin, he was so hot against her body >

_The wolf will eat you._

_The wolf will eat you._

[and what if he will not?]

[what if he is just lonely?]

Rey moved – the black mane of dark cascades of locks titillated her neck, his breath titillated her skin and she was in fever – she was burnt alive, by him, by just his presence and she –

\- she opened her eyes -

\- their eyes met.

Kylo’s face was tense, full of so emotions that were the opposite ends of spectrum .The flicker of his eyes, the tensing of the jaw, the twitch of his lips –

‘Why did you do that’ he asked.

Her eyes wandered, fell on his lips as they gravitated. She looked at him, feeling her cheeks explode with new nebulas of red – not angry red – but red of _something else_.

‘Why did you attack _me_?’ he repeated.

She couldn’t reply. She just looked at him – in terror, in awe as she felt she is forgetting herself. He peered into her as his eyes could pierce through her lies.

‘Explain.’

Her body was on fire; her body was pulsating with submerged, undisclosed emotions, desires than ran deeper than a simple bloodlust.

‘You... humiliated me’ she whispered, barely moving her lips. The words echoed in this world of them two, regardless as loud as she would yell them in his face.

Ren tilted his head; his Adam’s apple moved. Jaw - clenched. The furrow between his eyebrows deepened.

They both at looked at each other as Rey started to tremble feeling the pure force of his gaze; it was too much. She was just melting, she was transforming; she felt like she is the ocean and she – _waves by waves_ – washes the emptiest of the shores of her own, empty world. She herself was too empty, her vastness was killing her, she just wanted someone else inside, within her, in her, _with her_ –

Kylo broke the eye contact and looked down. Rey at once looked up, to the ceiling, but she saw none; there was just fractals of moving iridescences, on and on, time after time, no end…

‘Did I?’

She looked again at him, when he started at her, his haw just inches away from her moving chest.

‘You… did’ she replied.

Kylo groaned quietly when he moved on her and she once again gasped; his hands covered all of her palms, fingers almost intertwined. She moved with him, like it was the most natural thing to do; her chest and his, their breaths fusing into one, flushes of hot skin, his weight wasn’t crushing her anymore; it was essential and she just wanted _more –_

‘Attacking me when I… was a gentleman… is not… wise’ he looked at her again.

Rey watched his lips . They were as red, they were pink, they were as blue, yellow, green. Rey wanted – needed – to know how each of these colours tasted like, to see him whisper her name again, colour her name with his lips.

‘And it’s not… the first time.’

[her scream, Leia’s scream, the fire –

Scar on his face glistened iridescently.

‘What would my mother say seeing you like this?’

His voice seemed to come to her from around her, not from him.

[ _be a lady_ , they said]

[the faces Rey though she knows – leia, luke, poe – seemed too distant, too far away]

[her face; she didn’t know… herself]

[people were telling her they know her]

[no one does]

‘Snarling, howling… like a wild animal’ he continued eyes all over her face, but she knew it, she felt the place they fell too often. He seemed to fight with something bigger, more powerful, stronger than just a gravity. His eyes were falling, time after time on her eyes, on her lips like he couldn’t control it.

‘Like a –‘

Rey bit her lip. Ren took a shaking short breath.

[ _but I do_ ]

he was the black hole

she was the ocean

<they both were as vast, as empty, as famished >

His eyes glistened with tears, when he moved – towards her, just to back a second later, and she followed him just to back too.

[come to me, come

she called to him – _wave by wave_

They couldn’t. They could. They wanted it. And they didn’t want it.

give in, give in to me]

 _pull by pull_ \- he replied

They were close – but it wasn’t enough.

They were too close – and it was too much.

‘You know that I can report you for attacking me?’ he breathed. It was so forced, like he tried to desperately break the silence, just to conceal the truth. ‘You could get even banned… from racing. But who would believe me? A girl… like you. Attacking _me.’_

Rey glanced down.

[ _everyone looking at her, when she dropped the skewer_

_so lost, so much anger – she didn’t… she didn’t know what happened_

_Ben’s eyes on her_

_– and a red line scarring his face – forever_

_that face_ ]

_'But you did.’_

There was unmistakable accusation in his voice; and Rey knew he is right.

It was her fault. It always was.

She couldn’t meet his eyes.

‘You… said Snoke wanted you to seduce me’ she whispered, her words as coarsed with salt water of the ocean she was. ‘You… weren’t… honest.’

Kylo’s hands moved to her wrists – leaving a burning shadow of his touch on her fingers. she was just so melted she felt she is collapsing the undeniable weight of his mass. Rey saw – felt his hips move once more, pressing harder, his legs, thighs squeeze hers and she felt another wave of this near-phantasmagoric pleasure.

[oh god she shouldn’t feel that,

she felt almost ashamed]

[why so, when it felt so right?]

He really had her in his grasp.

‘Unlike you…’ Ren began and his voice broke; at once he bowed his head down and took a deep breath. Rey insaw how her breath – erratic, short – moved raven curls falling on his forehead.

‘Unlike you’ he repeated. ‘I consider being…. honest with myself and others as a virtue of my… character.’

He looked at her.

‘I said... Snoke did tell me to seduce… you, not that… I will not attempt do so.’

Rey blinked in surprise. Her lips was dry, when the apprehension of his words came to her.

Maybe she misheard his words. But also –

‘Rey’ he said again her name.

It was strange to feel – with all of her, her every existence what her name in his lips did to her, her senses.

She again – and god, how many times she could feel his eyes on her lips, every time burning them, flare by glare, glare by flare?

Kylo moved her hands over head , laying on her, gently – his nose, lips brushed her cheek and she turned her face to the side.

_It couldn’t be happening, it couldn’t –_

She felt a touch, phantom-like, almost touch - a shadow, hot, oh, lord have mercy – of Ren’s nose, his lips, breath on her neck, so close, too close, going up, up, the ear and -

‘You know _I could_ take whatever I want.’

Rey pursed her lips, closed her eyes. She closed her eyes, she opened them, she almost _moaned_.

It was too much. Ren’s murmur in her ear, it was too bad, no it was bad, she couldn’t -

Ren ease away from her and she looked at him. He bore through her, waiting. She did notice his touch became gentler – and his body molded into hers, perfectly.

‘Then why… you won’t take it?’ she choked out.

He really, she thought, she realised he could do whatever he likes. With her. A kiss? And she wasn’t sure if she would say no –

[that terrified her]

Ren shook his head.

‘If you think…I would ever do it without your consent… you don’t know me then at all.’

His confession stunned her.

However, she couldn’t even think what he mean by that as he was looking at her up and down, slowly, in his own sweet time.

Rey couldn’t stand it anymore.She squirmed a bit – but at once she felt a strong pressure on her body, locking her down.

He leant to her – his lips were now again and inch too close – too far away – from her lips.

' _He_ observes me’ he whispered to her and she at once felt her heart sink.

‘S-snokovich?’ she mumbled.

Kylo only raised his eyebrows a bit – that microexpression was sufficient as an answer.

‘Maybe even now’ he added, moving to her lips. She felt a sudden urge to scratch them, to the blood, just to get rid of that sensation. ‘I don’t know why, how. And the fact he could see your… attack… doesn’t help you.’

That made her blood go cold.

‘I don’t need pro –‘

‘I don’t want to protect you’ he interrupted her. ‘But I do _need you_.’

She held her breath. Her mind – in a flash – showed her a possible meaning of his _need_ and she shook her head.

‘N-no’ she breathed. Her eyes had to fell on his lips – and that yearning, the memory of them on her skin – started burning her again.

[it’s not him – it’s ren]

[face is a face – do not let be fooled]

Rey yawped when Ren dig his nails into her skin.

‘I proposed you a deal’ his voice was firm, as his grip. ‘Do I ask for so much, Rey?’

She can’t give in. She can’t. She cannot, she can-not, _she can -_

‘Yes, you do’ she said, her voice shaking. ‘You… tri-tricked me. Even now… you said… you said…’

Ren raised an eyebrow.

‘You refuse to decide on your own.’

Rey snorted.

‘And forcing me to act in front of everyone –‘

‘Nobody forced you to accept my apologies’ Kylo hissed. ‘ _Nobody_.’

It was like the slap on her cheek. Rey felt the shame – the embarrassment – the truthfulness of his statement – wash all over her body.

Because he was indeed right. Because he was saying something she has known since the moment she saw him with the roses and that damned, bloody Cadbury chocolate, and now he was just throwing it in her face, that accusation of her own damned hypocrisy, of her own fault and she couldn’t say he wasn’t right; nobody forced her, but she had no choice – she was just, just, just , she had her hands tied.

And she let others did it to her, more – she tied her hands herself, tighter and tighter.

The abhorrence had the taste of rage – rage centred on herself - on her lips, it twisted it, it twisted, deformed her face.

Desire, bloodlust. His smell – the musky scent, sweat, gasoline and leather – was driving her crazy, driving her mad, driving her _wild._ The call – the call she heard within, the call that made her come here, the call that made her just attack him, bite him – buzzed, raged – in her veins, made her skin get gooseflesh, all hair stand up, eyesight sharpen –

Desire – _whet_.

Rey roared again and jerked under him – his hands let her go, she took him by surprise. She reached for his face, to draw blood, to grab him to -

‘Fucking god, not again!’ Ren blusteringly pinned her down, out of breath. ‘I know I’m fucking heavy, but If the only way to talk to you, like a fucking adults we are supposed to be, is to fuckin’ pin you down, then I will ducking do it!‘

Rey growled.

‘Yeah, fucking growl at me, so fucking mature of you!’ Kylo hissed.

‘Get off me!’ she trashed around.

Kylo snapped at her.

‘And you will eat my face? I don’t – fucking! – think so!’

Rey stopped moving and they both panted, trying to catch breath.

Ren looked at her with the firectest look in his eyes.

‘Agree to my part of the deal, Rey’ said Ren. ‘We will both… _prey_ on that. Don’t make me put you into no-win situation like today. ’

Rey felt her lips curl into the smirk. She was throbbing, vibrating so hard she wanted to just laugh.

‘Go… fuck.. yourself’ she said, tasting each word, spatting them into his face.

Kylo pursed his lips.

‘Such… dirty… words in your lips…?’ he laughed, but she saw the second his tongue pressing inside of his cheek. ‘Oh, sweetheart, who would say…’

Another jolt of electricity down her spine, the red on her cheeks.

**Dirty.**

**_Sweetheart._ **

[how dirty this word was in his lips. She felt a familiar feeling rose in between her legs – the yearning she tried to ignore, so hard to ignore all this year –

[but at nights she felt lonely, she heard the ocean in her telling so – lonely and empty]

‘What you didn’t like?’ he asked and she looked at him.

‘Pardon?’

‘Roses? Chocolate?’ he stared – glared – bored into her, into her soul. ‘You threw them in a _trashcan._ ’

Oh.

So he saw it.

Rey thought about Poe, about Leia – before her rage came in and took control of her. She really felt like she was being torn apart – and she had no idea who she is anymore. She realised that under the first surface of rage and indifference, Kylo Ren – Kylo! – is actually perplexed.

He was hurt.

He was hurt that she – Poe actually – threw flowers and chocolate out.

She looked down, trying to think what she can say – the truth, the lie – but in the end… she couldn’t.

[speech is silver, but silence is golden.]

[and silence gives consent.]

All was swirling around her, the world, her body was betraying her, it was so sensitive, she didn’t know how to control it anymore.

She looked at him; wicked smirk widened his lips.

‘You won’t win this game Rey, not with me’ he said. ‘And not definitely when you are a liar and a coward. Just accept the deal. And I will do what you like.’

The undertone of his proposition echoed in her mind. Rey took a deep breath.

‘And you say you say the truth…. but you leave things… unsaid.’

The flicker in his eyes, when she spoke this words at loud, the way his finger clenched on her wrist, his thighs brushed her sides. Rey suppressed a groan, when she felt – wave by wave that calling within her – the call of her body to him.

Kylo observed her.

‘What do _you_ leave unsaid?’ he whispered.

They satred at each other. Rey breathed through her nose.

‘I know who you are, Rey’ he added, his eyes lingering on her lips.

She was intoxicated again – she seemed to go through various states of matter of her mind – from solid rage, confused plasma, gaseous yearning to melted want.

She was on the edge between, between -

‘You know whom I see now?’ he asked. ‘I see the product of my family. You were more truthful to your true self when you attacked me. Because you want to deny that, but you know the truth. You and me, we… we are the same.’

‘We. Are. Not’ she grinded it out.

‘And you are afraid of who you are, Rey. And I see the conflict in you. Desperate… hopeless, a caged animal, a _trophy daughter_ –‘

‘Shut up!’ Rey yelled, feeling panic. ‘Shut the fuck up!’

‘You prefer to live their lie, than spoke out, to be the doll, to do whatever _they want_ –‘

‘Shut UP!’

‘Why are you lying to yourself!’ Ren roared. ‘Why did you lie?!’

‘SHUT UP!

‘Why you didn’t tell them the truth!’

‘BECAUSE I WAS SCARED!’ she yelled into his face, tears falling down her cheeks. ‘BECAUSE THEY WOULD LEAVE ME AS MY PARENTS DID!’

Ren sat back on her, letting her hands go. Rey tried to catch breath, but tears falling down her face, she – she –

Ren got off her, starting at herm shocked. Rey was shaking so hard, she collapsed at once on the floor, when she tried to sit. Everything was covered in dark haze, her blood rushed through her veins, she desperately tried to think, but she was failing, miserably.

‘I… I…’ she choked out.

She reached for her face, to dry her tears, but she only made it worse; the wetness of her tears was all mixed up with rheum from her nose, now all over her cheeks and mouth. She squeezed her eyes, feeling the sudden shudder and she just curled all up – knees to her chest, she just wanted to be small, to be not noticed, she just wanted to disappear –

‘I… I don’t know’ she confessed. ‘i don’t know who... I… am… anymore.’

Her hands trembled, she couldn’t let it stop trembling, she couldn’t –

‘I – I know I did… a – a bad th-thing’ she choked out. ‘B-but I was- was so-so scared. I am… so-so scared.’

She cried at loud.

‘I feel so much’ another tears fell from her eyes, she sniffled. ‘ I feel… I felt so much rage… fear, I but I don’t hate you… I hate myself and I–‘

‘Rey –‘

‘I’m so lonely!’ she sobbed. ‘I’m so lonely it’s _killing me_ -‘

And the last words here lost in her weeping.

She hid her face in hands, she just could feel the crying tear her apart.

She remembered that feeling, of old her life – in the gray Budapest, when she knew she should play with other kids, but she felt alienated.

Why did Luke chose her?

[I’ve never seen a sadder child than her, she heard Luke’s voice and worried face of Leia]

But was she happy? _Was she?_

She was losing herself – she tried to be perfect, se was the people pleaser.

She was that and it was only thing she was.

A driver, a daughter of Luke Skywalker, the niece of Leia Organa. The F2 champion. The idol of young girls.

_The myth._

A perfect image of what Rey Király had never been – and never will be.

She jumped, terrified when she felt a touch on her shoulder.

‘Rey.’

She raised her head. She didn’t notice or hear the moment when Ren came close to her. He was kneeling next to her. She blinked and tear fell down her cheek. She looked at Ren who gulped and she saw – his eyes were glassy as well.

‘You’re… you’re not alone’ he whispered. He gulped and shook his head. ‘Rey… you’re… not... alone.’

‘You’re... not‘ he repeated as his voice broke.

His palm touched her face, so delicately, so softly, she could feel how calloused his fingers are, but at the same time – it was him, his touch, the touch she yearned for, for all this years, and she felt she cannot resist it anymore. She sighed deeply, with relief, pressing, nestling her cheek onto his hand and her heart fluttered -

It was _him_ , she knew it as smile appeared on her lips.

She opened her eyes. She saw his face – open and bright, earnest and it was face of –

‘ _Ben_ ’ she whispered.

He looked at her, stunned. He blinked few times and then -

He gasped and moved away, almost dropping to the floor, more and more away from her.

‘N-no’ he choked out. His face was blank, tensed, he was scared, he was –

‘You’re no doing this again’ he snapped. ‘You… you’re playing with me –‘

‘What are you-‘

‘Like a cat with a mouse!’ he raised his voice. She saw a tear falling down his cheek.

‘I don’t!’ she was speechless. ‘I-I -’

‘Don’t you dare’ he growled. ‘I know you. You make me think.. feel.., hope and then.’

He did a weird, angry gesture and gnarred.

‘You know I would do anything for you’ he said. ‘Even when you tore me, my face, soul, heart! Apart!’

He stood up, hands clenched in fists. He was looking like the vengeful fallen angel, like the angriest of angry gods of underground.

‘Whatever Snoke tells you’ she started.

‘Get out.’

Rey stood up, almost losing balance. She felt dizzy, exhausted – after everything, but that new information, what she saw, what she heard.

But god – she wasn’t mistaken, she saw…

She saw him.

Ben.

[ _Her Ben._ ]

She straightened up, looking at him.

‘Whatever –‘ she began.

‘Get. Out’ he hissed.

When she didn’t move he pointed at the door, so sudden she cringed.

‘ _Now._ ’

Rey gasped. There was none of Ben left in this man, no sign of the man she loved, only –

Only Kylo Ren.

And then Rey did what she could do the best -

\- she ran away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys, GOD YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HARD THIS CHAPTER WAS.
> 
> Really – fucking – I sometimes I hate myself that I can’t be like “oh she got wet, he got a boner, they fucked” but no, I feel like it really like hurts my feelings using that kind of language, because sex and lovemaking deserves more than harsh language and just I wanna write it so beautifully, poetically and aaahh
> 
> [what I am? – an idiot sandwich]
> 
> How to write a sex scene actually not writing a sex scene? And be elegant and classy, but at the same time make it so obvious to the readers what is happening? How to be suggestive, but also present/show not tell what's going on? It was my problem here. God, and I hope I did a good job, because I was editing this scene for last 5 days and I have no idea anymore, I don’t know how to read that whole scene between Rey and Kylo. And if you felt they will get handsy here??? I’m sorry to disappoint, but I hope you are not disappointed with this chapter, I did my best.
> 
> Btw I know it should be a SHE-WOLF, but I am personally OFFENED BY THIS WORD. It’s UGLY, it’s just MEH, it DIGUSTS ME, so I coined my own one for a FEMALE WOLF.
> 
> WOLFESS. FIGHT ME, BRITS. FIGHT ME.
> 
> God, it’s just fucking offensive and ugly word. Loba sound beautiful, wilczyca too? English?? She-wolf??? Oh god.
> 
> [I’m so sorry]
> 
> Okay, so AG’s F1-lingo-wiki time:  
> Silverstone – ‘Silverstone Circuit is a motor racing circuit in England located next to the Northamptonshire villages of Silverstone and Whittlebury.
> 
> Silverstone is the current home of the British Grand Prix, which it first hosted in 1948. The 1950 British Grand Prix at Silverstone was the first race in the newly created World Championship of Drivers. The race rotated between Silverstone, Aintree and Brands Hatch from 1955 to 1986, but relocated permanently to Silverstone in 1987. The circuit also hosts the British round of the MotoGP series.’
> 
> Silverstone used to be also the old air-base and in general, that’s why most of F1 teams are based in UK, because UK is like a “cradle” for F1.
> 
> Hungaroring – ‘The Hungaroring is a motorsport racetrack in Mogyoród, Hungary where the Formula One Hungarian Grand Prix is held. In 1986, it became the location of the first Formula One Grand Prix behind the Iron Curtain. Bernie Ecclestone wanted a race in the USSR, but a Hungarian friend recommended Budapest. They wanted a street circuit similar to the Circuit de Monaco to be built in the Népliget– Budapest's largest park – but the government decided to build a new circuit just outside the city near a major highway. Construction works started on 1 October 1985.’
> 
> Actually, pretty rad circuit.
> 
> Prema Powerteam – ‘Prema Powerteam (competing as Prema Racing in the FIA Formula 2 Championship and the FIA Formula 3 Championship) is a motorsport team from Italy. It mainly operates in the FIA Formula 3 European Championship (FIA Formula 3 Championship since 2019) as well as various junior championships.’
> 
> rosso corsa – ‘is the red international motor racing colour of cars entered by teams from Italy.
> 
> Since the 1920s Italian race cars of Alfa Romeo, Maserati, Lancia, and later Ferrari and Abarth have been painted in rosso corsa ("racing red"). This was the customary national racing colour of Italy as recommended between the world wars by the organisations that later became the FIA. In that scheme of international auto racing colours French cars were blue (Bleu de France), British cars were green (British racing green), etc.’
> 
> And other Wiki-time:  
> Nem beszélek magyarul – Do you speak Hungarian, but like, duh in Hunagarian.
> 
> Luke refers to Polish laureate of the Nobel Prize in Literature - Władysław Reymont - while talking to Ematt.
> 
> GCSE – ‘In the United Kingdom, the General Certificate of Secondary Education (GCSE) is an academic qualification, generally taken in a number of subjects by pupils in secondary education in England, Wales, and Northern Ireland.’  
> Hypnernova- ‘is a type of stellar explosion which ejects material with an unusually high kinetic energy, an order of magnitude higher than most supernovae. They usually appear similar to a type Ic supernova, but with unusually broad spectral lines indicating an extremely high expansion velocity. Hypernovae are one of the mechanisms for producing long gamma ray bursts (GRBs), which range from 2 seconds to over a minute in duration.’
> 
> I always wanted to be a scientists, bit well I’m rather dumb at maths, so I’m writing :/
> 
> So, I think It’s all for today. I wanna wish you all happy, happy Easter, y’all. I really am nervous posting this chapter and about your reaction too. Please, stay safe, wash hands and just take care of yourself before we all go crazy. 
> 
> Hugs!
> 
> See ya next chapter y'all <3


	12. Chapter 11: Dark Night of the Soul

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello everyone, ladies, gentlemen, dudettes, dudes, my dear readers - I’m really sorry for such delay, but due to the fact last week was rather hard on me and the chapter itself was hard, I wanted to slow down and focus on the quality of the plot and feelings. This chapter it’s more introspective, retrospective, maybe even… spiritual in a way, but I trust my guts and before we go further with this story I felt we needed it.
> 
> I want to give massive, MASSIVE thanks to my new beta reader/editor, Dot, who corrected my rather poor English writing here. Thank You so, so much – it means the world to me, really. I’m actually scared to think how many mistakes you found in this fic in the previous chapters, but I’m glad it didn’t stop you from reading next chapters. And again – thank you, Dot <3
> 
> There are Easter eggs in this chapter. Or I don’t know how to say it. But I recommend reading carefully ;)
> 
> As always, I provide the link to “driven” playlist:  
> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLaX7lYzfeohzt5SyhBwW-RdcxnoWee6e7
> 
> Here you can watch the video for “driven” made by my beautiful gf aka the love of my life, and the reason why I started writing this fic:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4T816WuZVvw
> 
> For this chapter, I mainly listened to this songs:  
> 1\. Depeche Mode – Strange Love  
> 2\. Sade – Soldier of Love  
> 3\. Tears For Fears – Shout  
> No boom-boom songs this time, sorry to disappoint. 
> 
> So, that’s all, my dear readers. Be my guest and enjoy the new chapter!

> Degradation is the subtlest drug, the most insinuating. But they could do nothing to me I had not already imagined.
> 
> ― Angela Carter, _The Passion of New Eve_

No amount of coffee of this world would save him from sleep.

At some point Kylo was sure that he has no blood, but coffee rushing through his veins. In the morning, when he cut himself while shaving, he fully expected the blackness come out from the wound, not the crimson iron-tasting liquid.

There are three bruises on his chest – they aren’t yet visible, but the skin started to turn black. He could feel a faint pain, when he was taking a breath, every time. He knew that in the end, he actually did deserve it, he knew he brought the wrath of Rey on himself.

on the one hand, he regretted _nothing_

on the other one, he regretted _~~everything~~_

He touched the bruises with his fingers, trying not to wince. It wasn’t the worst.

He was through much worse.

[she’s much stronger than she knows.]

Every time he touched his skin, it felt like she hit him again. It hurt him, there was another mark on his flesh, of her doing, besides the scar.

[was Rey even aware how strong she was?]

He almost groaned, putting a black team shirt on. At some point in his life you are just used to everything; to pain, to feeling sore, to the lack of sleep, of the lack of the future.

Kylo never learnt.

[you were saying you wouldn’t have any hope -

**_Kylo Ren_** was supposed to be stronger, wiser and better than _Ben Solo_. Kylo didn’t want to be that person anymore, he knew he has to _destroy_ the person he used to be, _no_ –

The person that his family wanted _him_ to be.

[and you still… you still felt _disappointed_ ; because, in fact, you had hope, still, in the recesses of the mind, like the worst kind of glioblastoma multiforme, brain cancer that was put in your mind years ago and at first you didn’t see any changes in your behavior, your life -

And Kylo just wanted to save Rey. Out of spite, even by means of punishing her – he was actually lost what he wanted now, now.

He was being torn apart.

Because he knew his uncle, he knew his mother, he knew Dameron. They were destroying her, as same as they did with him, even if they had the best of intentions.

To Skywalkers, they weren’t people – but _legacies_.

\- until it paralyzed you.]

However, Rey didn’t want to see the truth: or rather, _she was perfectly aware of it_.

And Kylo… he knew he didn’t kill Ben Solo.

[ _Ben_ , Rey said, that smile –

 _that_ smile on her face]

Because he still _cared_.

Seeing Rey just brake under him…? Yes, he wanted her to finally admit she’s not happy, that she just pretends and plays _the role_ her family – his uncle and mother forced, unwillingly or not, but it didn’t change the fact they did force on her – but _God_ –

**a caged animal, a _trophy daughter, the doll -_**

\- seeing her in those moments, that moments before she crumbled, he just knew, he knew he went too far. The pressure he put on her, the cracks he started to see on the surface of her face, like the lighting on the night storming sky, that went deeper and deeper into the mask she wore as her face.

He just wanted her to see the truth, to _say it_.

Kylo knew that what he is doing is probably bad, that he has to stop , that he is hurting her. But was it Kylo then? Or was it Ben who screamed to stop? Kylo hated that moment of weakness, the fact that somehow she could make him feel that. He knew he really didn’t want it, but also he wanted it _so bad_ – her to finally admit the truth, to say it out loud, but –

He was the one that pushed her too far.

The meanders of dry tears, the tears streaming down on her red face. He knew he tore her apart and she seemed naked. So utterly defenseless, so lost and that –

He could feel it hurting him, piercing straight into his soul.

And that was the moment of truth for him.

He knew he lost.

For Kylo wouldn’t care, he would enjoy it.

Ben, on the other hand, would be completely devastated.

And he was, utterly and completely devastated and gutted.

His foregoing life was built around racing; training, simulator sessions, ways of improving himself as a driver and in the end, becoming the world champion. There was beauty – if Kylo could use this word – in discipline. It kept him in check, focused and thinking clear. Hux always made mock of him that Kylo’s life resembled the life of a monk, but maybe that was the reality.

He swore he wouldn’t be seduced, no, not again; but the moment Rey Király was back in his life and he couldn’t stay away, the moment Snoke put him on this mission, Kylo knew he should not trust himself.

And yesterday proved, he had all the rights to feel that way. It drove him mad – it drove him insane to the point when he didn’t think about anything but just yelling at her. She could defeat him on the track, she could tear his face apart, humiliate him – but…

[yes, he was the one that left, cut himself off from Skywalkers, the one that changed his name and vowed to never be called Ben Solo again.]

but Rey was the one that left him first.

Kylo put everything on the line, back then, 8 years ago, to just be with her. He was young, stupid and naïve in his naïve hope for the future he thought they could have together. Because maybe, he could stand giving up racing if he were with her and supported her in her career. Because he didn’t feel alone, not when she was with him. He didn’t feel wrong, he felt needed and he just wanted to help her, be there for her. Because he loved her, yes, and for years that love – which, at the beginning, felt too forbidden, to be even said at loud to the moment when he couldn’t deny it anymore – was transforming, from hate, to crush, to anger, to disappointment, to just pure humiliation.

Rey said she was too young. He understood that and he was alone scared and lost, so he took the blame and did what Skywalkers expected him to do.

He was silent.

8 years of silence and pretending everything is all right.

Ben Solo was barely 19 when he left his family, without her, without anything – just his name, a new scar on his face and a broken heart.

He didn’t know anything, but racing, that constant war – fight against the time, the rivals, his own heart. He knew only this and a bittersweet taste of forbidden love with the woe of almost-kiss and almost-happy ending.

He was barely 19 and all his dreams were tattered.

Ben Solo had nothing.

They said to never sell your soul to Pytor Vladimir Snokovich; the Russian Devil was soulless as he was cold-blooded. He knew no mercy or compassion. His team, factory Mercedes FO had been known for years to have Young Drivers’ Program that dropped its drivers if they didn’t have the results the team – and usually Snoke as well as Sheev Palpatine, Mercedes FO’s advisor were the ones that decided about ending the careers of many young drivers.

It wasn’t the first time he came in contact with them. They approached Kylo – then Ben - when he was maybe 13 and still driving in Karting World Championship, but Skywalkers at once drove them off. After all, how a son of Ferrari team principal could drive for Mercedes?

Never.

Ben knew they watched him when he had to stop racing. He had no choice; omnipotent Luke Skywalker and Leia Organa said no. His father, of course, was with them. He was silent.

It wasn’t the damn 70s when cockpits were too small for drivers. But the weight restrictions made drivers lose weight and Ben knew he was here at the disadvantage and no talent and training could make up for his height.

The rule was easy; act the way you were told to, smile and don’t speak out your mind. Kylo knew they wanted him to enroll at the university – of course, Oxford – and study Aeronautics and Astronautics and in the end, join the team.

Ben broke all the rules.

Being 19, partially if not actually homeless, futureless and brokenhearted if not heartless, he didn’t know what else to do.

Did he actually have a choice?

He couldn’t come back.

The worst thing was that, he loved his mother. He loved his uncle – maybe he could stand Dameron if he wasn’t such a cunt. He admired them all; they were legends, he grew up watching the pictures and wanted them to be proud of him.

He had never been enough.

The worst-worst thing was he adored, cherished – he didn’t want to use word “loved” because it wasn’t enough to describes feelings he harbored for this young woman – he loved Rey to the point he could forgive her everything. He could do anything for her. She was the Sun – and he lived so long in the darkness he didn’t realize she blinded him. The older he got, the more he understood there was nothing bad, wicked about his love for her. And that in fact – she felt the same.

Or at least she was that amazing of an actress.

‘An awful wound you have here. It’s going to leave a scar. Definitely.’

Snokovich was the man of scars; there was only one man whose appearance could match that scarred, deformed face of his, but Niki Lauda passed away years ago and even then, Snokovich’s face could be the face of the monster that haunted your dreams. The face is only a face – they say the beauty is only skin-deep – but scars rip the flesh out of you, burn your skin deeply.

Snokovich’s eyes lingered on – still burning underneath the dressing – scar on Kylo’s face.

His face was now a mask.

[ _Ben!_

_He laid on the grass, shocked, not feeling – or just feeling the pain_

_There was silence when he stared at her – Dameron was in front of her, protecting her, like he – Ben – was the aggressor_

_– not them_ ]

He really had nothing more than getting inside his car and run away with nothing.

The only person he wanted – didn’t want him.

[ _Ben!_ ]

[ _the screams, pleading screams of his mother, of Rey, echoed through the night._

_But it was too late_

_The damage was done_ ]

So he had nothing.

The blood soaked through the papers he had found in his car. He drove like in trance; in flashes of memories, he remembered the next turns of all the tracks he used to race on – Spa, China, Bahrain, Silverstone – to see the dark, empty road in the English countryside. He felt he is really leaving everything and that will be that: the point of no return.

Nobody followed him -

– and he knew one place where he could go.

Brackley, the town where Mercedes FO had its factory and office, was less than 30 minutes away from his uncle’s house.

They said that Snokvich was the Russian Devil. _Чёрт._ That you must sell your soul to work for him.

Ben Solo didn’t have a soul to sell. He lost one the moment Rey scarred him.

But he had a set of skills, a talent and nothing more than his knowledge of driving and secrets taken from Skyalker family.

Till this day Kylo didn’t know how it happened they let him in. They couldn’t predict he would come, no, but still, when he arrived, the security guard just stopped him, made a call and then told him to drive on.

Kylo was taken to the doctor’s office.

They disinfected his face, stitched it, put a band-aid and he sat numb, not feeling anything. The whiteness of the office as same as the whole factory – so contrasting with the darkness outside the windows – seemed to be too pure, too blinding, too painful for his eyes.

It wasn’t even an hour later, when he was taken – or using the more formal language of convention – _invited_ to Pytor Vladimir Snokovich’s office.

Ben sat still in the chair, on the other side of the desk that was so impersonal and empty, except the laptop, phone and name plate in front of him.

 _The Team Principal & CEO of the Mercedes FO Petronas F1 Team, _said the desk name plate.

‘I will not ask what happened, not now’ Snoke continued.

‘Or why did you grace me with your presence, young Solo.’

Ben grimaced hearing this surname – and then grimaced more, because even with strong painkiller and stitches he was in pain. It wasn’t only pain; it was the constant, permanent , if not solid state of dissolution in all of its inconstancy and contradiction. To break apart, to fade away, to just feel the pain, every day, every night.

And there was nothing he could do to stop it.

Snokovich’s eyes were pale-blue – it seemed to him that even irises were melting onto the whites – and focused on him.

In all fairytales, stories, fables there was a moment when you were saying _this_ words. Magic words. The words of a curse. The words that were about to define your entire destiny.

Ben was at that moment. The desperate times requires desperate measures.

‘I want to… race for you’ he said.

And he said them just now.

It was the most absurd thing to say, to be honest. Racing – especially racing in Formula 1 - didn’t work that way. It wasn’t like you were picked from a street racing, because some curious billionaire team-owner wanted you to race for them. It wasn’t like in that absolutely ridiculous movie “Driven” from 2001 with Sylvester Stallone either. You could never just come in and tell the team owner you wanted to race for them, duh.

He knew how it sounded.

However, Ben Solo had nothing but the absurdity of this situation – nah, of his whole existence.

Snokovich smiled.

‘You?’

Even though his tone could imply Snokovich was surprised, it was only a play he put on. That play of nuances, plaything, figary – as Rey would say – was so known to him, he actually expected that.

Mockery. Jokes.

But he was used to it and nothing could hurt him more. Or at least he wanted to believe that.

‘You want to drive for… _me_?’ Snokovich asked once again. ‘ _You_?’

Scarred fingers of Snokovich started tapping soundlessly. Ben’s eyes followed them, but at once – once again – looked at the team principal; stitches burnt on his cheek: everlasting, skin-deep mark of his humiliation and naivety. Everything in this dark office - seemed to be made out of the glass. Nevertheless also, nothing seemed to have any reflection.

‘Why son of Leia Organa and nephew of Luke Skywalker _begs me_ to let him drive... _for me_?’

Ben raised his chin.

‘I am more than their names’ he said quietly.

Snoke watched him.

‘It’s common to see… amazing drivers, you know’ he began, nonchalance was softening the words firstly cut with his Russian accent. ‘But racing… families, like yours… I don’t know if there was one in the whole history of motorsport. Your grandfather was probably the most skilled of the pre-war drivers, your uncle is the world champion and mother… if she didn’t retire to be a mother… would beat him.’

Ben took a deep breath. Snokovich continued:

‘And you’re named after one of greatest… drivers in history, Benoit Canauby, to most known by the name of Ben Kenobi.’

‘And you will say I have racing in my blood?’ Ben asked. He could hear himself the bitterness in his voice.

Snokovich laughed quietly under his breath.

‘Everybody knows you’re not the only heir of that mighty Skywalkers bloodline’ he stated the most obvious fact.

He looked Ben up and down, reflectionless fingers tapping the hypnotizing faster and faster rhythm.

‘I always wondered, how it felt’ he continued. ‘When you were… outshined by Kes Dameron’s son… and that Polish orphan.’

‘Hungarian’ Ben corrected him at once.

He gasped breathlessly. A slay smile appeared on Snokovich’s scarred lips.

‘What’s the difference?’ he muttered. ‘It was a satellite state of Russia, the same goes for Poland. No difference.’

Ben gulped.

_Tap, tap, tap -_

‘But how did it feel… to see you weren’t enough? That they adopted two children, because they… were disappointed?’

Silence; Snokovich stopped tapping his fingers. The smile stayed on his lips.

He waited for his answer; he wanted to provoke Ben, to act, to show his rage.

It was a test.

The whole evening, the pain, the feeling of betrayal was starting to fade away.

Ben didn’t need them.

He didn’t need _her_.

‘I’m more than my… name’ he said.

‘You see what denying the nature of things brought them’ Snoke shrugged. ‘You here. At the very least, you would no longer need to deny yourself in the way Luke Skywalker wants you to.’

Ben blinked; he thought about Rey, but instantly forced himself to focus on Snokovich.

‘But I should say Ben Solo…?’ if Snokovich had an eyebrow, he definitely would raise one, the mockery in his voice was so hearable it hurt Ben’s ears. ‘What your family wanted you to be?’

Ben felt the blood rushing to his cheeks – and with that, more pain.

‘Have I heard it correctly? An engineer? After everything you… sacrificed?’

Snokovich theatrically shook his head.

‘Mercedes might not be interest in _him_.’

Ben felt his lips twitch, eye twitch in the grimace. His hands clenched into the fist underneath the table.

‘I hate that… _name’_ he hissed.

‘Oh, why is that? You are named after legends.’

Ben laughed bitterly.

‘That’s exactly it, Snokovich’ he gnashed out.

‘ _Ben Kenobi_ , big famous driver’ he rolled his eyes. ‘Mentor of my uncle, _great_ Luke Skywalker! The _mentor_ of my mother and everyone looks at me like I am the reason why she stopped racing. Everyone thinks I’m supposed to be like… Kenobi, my uncle or my mother. But I never even met Kenobi, because he died long before I was even born. And my father… ‘

Ben took a deep breath.

[The bonfire, the sparks – his father yelling his name, but it was too late – the frenzy, the fury, the madness couldn’t be stopped.]

[Rey’s lovely face, scattered with freckles. ]

[his father’s face – eyes filled with fear, the truth]

‘ _Solo_ ’ he hissed, but - his eye twitched.

[for them he was _the_ monster.]

‘Did you know that’s not even his real name?’ he asked. ‘He changed it before joining the Navy. He’s a lie. _Everything_ is a lie.’

Ben took a deep breath; he realized it was the longest time anybody listened to him – not interrupted, but really… listened.

‘You don’t have to carry their name’ said Snokovich. ‘I was not born as Snokovich, but… I became him. I’m… self-made, I hated the name given me by my father and mother… so I created myself anew. By losing a name, things undergo a process of uncreation. _Uncreation_ \- ’

Snoke went silent.

‘Uncreation is the state when we really can ask ourselves who we want to be’ he said after a while. His eyes were piercing Ben like knives, he felt like he was examined. ‘When we become our truest selves. When you call yourself by a new name, by that true name, you see the truth. Your truth.’

Ben barely breathed.

‘Your true name represents what you want to do on a deep level. The part you want to kill. Perhaps someday you will do it. The world will hear that name and see… _you_.’

Ben shook his head.

‘But…’

‘Stop denying yourself’ Snokovich said. ‘I have been watching you. For years. Skywalkers wouldn’t ever let you race. And you know it.’

Ben, of course, knew it. It was weird they let him have false hope for so many years.

He closed his eyes and looked down.

‘I… I know’ he choked out.

‘They did it to you’ he heard. ‘Skywalkers. The scar you will have on your face.’

‘Yes.’

‘Dameron?’

Ben felt a bit – like a tick – that his lips curl into a smile, but he laughed – from desperation.

‘No’ he whispered and looked at Snoke.

‘It was that Hungarian orphan.’

[Rey’s face, her eyes he dreamt about for so many years, her face when she realized what she has done.]

‘It was her’ he whispered. ‘She did it.’

Snokovich took a deep breath. He didn’t seem to be surprised by that information.

‘Oh, to be honest… I am not sure if I expected that kind of reply…’ he said. ‘But also… I think I did.’

Ben looked at him stunned.

‘Pardon?’ he asked and at once corrected himself. ‘Sorry what?’

Snokovich tapped his fingers once – twice.

‘You don’t have to be much observant to see you have feelings for this girl.’

Ben at once froze.

‘I –‘

‘The feelings that weren’t very welcomed by the Skywalkers. But you look at this all the wrong way, my boy.’

Ben felt his face was so tense – stitches started to burn, to break. He felt bad, so bad, almost dizzy hearing him – Snoke – telling it out loud – Ben’s secret, that secret -

‘The girl has amazing racing talent and we keep the eye on the talents, regardless of its gender’ continued Snokovich. ‘But to have a talent like her, that anger… you do have to have a dark side.’

‘I-‘

‘Skywalkers try to tame her. Like they tried to tame you. You have the dark side’ Snoke leant back on a chair. ‘A talent… that would be wasted.’

Ben felt his heart skip a beat.

‘What… do you want me… to do?’ he asked.

Snoke shrugged.

‘Ask yourself who you really are’ he said like it was the most obvious thing in the world. ‘What is your true name.’

 _What is Rey true name_ , thought Ben, but at once he clenched fists.

There was one name.

‘Ohhh –‘ Snoke pointed at him. ‘You have it, I see it in your eyes.’

Ben shook his head.

‘No. It’s stupid’ he felt more than stupid. It was childish. ‘Something I thought of when I was a child.’

‘That s why it is correct. Children’s thoughts are pure. They do not practice self-deception. They are who they are.’

Ben gulped.

Ben Solo loved Reymont Király the moment he saw her, from the top balustrade.

[destroy what destroys you – annihilate, _kill it_.]

The poster in his room from movie series Galaxy Wars, next to the posters of Ferrari, McLaren and Mercedes and and old Benetton. When Ben thought he could just name himself again – and feel at peace with it, not feel the burden of expectations.

Kylo Ren would not love her – but only hate her.

[it was the moment – the moment of truth]

Ben leaped to his feet, ripping the band-aid from his face and blusteringly slapped it onto the desk.

‘I’m no Skywalker’ he hissed.

There was a silence an –a quiet tap, when one, two- three – drops of blood fell from once-again opened wound onto the glass surface, spattering around.

‘I never was’ he whispered.

Ben Solo didn’t sell his soul to Snoke, but he did sell something else; he sold his mind, body, set of skills and free will.

He sold his name.

He couldn’t be Ben Solo anymore.

He didn’t want to be him.

He just wanted to be true to himself – honest.

He wanted to be _free_.

[you just ran away from one face to take another]

Was there a difference between a hero and a villain? Dameron would always say that him, Ben Solo,is _the villain_ – and everybody believed him: his uncle, Rey, even his mother. Poe Dameron, after all, was the golden child, the prince and true son that his mother had always wanted.

What did Ben do to be hated by everyone? Just because he was honest and wanted to be himself and didn’t agree to be groomed to be the person his family expected him to be?

It could be enough.

He couldn’t just pretend, he didn’t want to be silent and smile. He wanted to be vocal about his feelings, after years of telling himself why? Why he couldn’t tell Rey what he feels for her, when his love wasn’t bad in any way?

For his family apparently it was.

Snokovich – or just Snoke – accepted him into Mercedes program. A week later, Ben Solo had everything he needed to live: a small flat in Brackley, a contract for a season in F2, the job as a development driver and…

A new name.

Nobody knew how Kylo Ren found out Han Solo was dead. He didn’t tell about it to anyone , because why would he?

Kylo Ren didn’t have a father.

However, even to this day, knowing the circumstances and how he found about his father’s death – made him laugh at the complete absurd of this situation. It’s been 8 years and he didn’t visit his grave; he didn’t want it, he couldn’t – like if seeing the grave of his father would only set father’s death in concrete, in stone.

That’s why he cared.

About Rey, after all those years. Because he saw not her, but the reflection of himself:

They were the same.

He was also running away. He wasn’t free, not really. Because freedom was an illusion, but at least Kylo – not Ben – chose that life and did what he always wanted.

He wouldn’t be seduced once again, he learnt his lesson – in the hardest of ways.

By losing a name, things underwent a process of uncreation. By the process of uncreation you revealed the truth.

By truth, you became yourself fully.

He would make Rey see the truth.

 _She’s like you_ , said Snoke.

 _Seduce her_ , he said.

 _Be with me, do not deny who you really are_ , Kylo was thinking.

[but _~~who~~_ what you really are?]

But every year, he said: _not now_.

She’s too young.

She’s _too young_ -

[ _Till now._ ]

He pushed her too far.

And Ben Solo was still there.

_In him._

[destroy what destroys you]

Sabotage. He’s been sabotaging himself.

The sleep didn’t come after Rey left, Kylo couldn’t sleep at all – time after time, he just saw her; her tears, her screaming in his face, her lips too close to his face and he knew he was just inches from something he dreamt of – as Ben and as Kylo Ren.

The kiss of Judas, right? The kiss of a traitor. One kiss and it could be just as easy to discredit her.

Did he even want to discredit her anymore?

He didn’t know. He didn’t know anything.

In the end he didn’t sleep in his bed; the mattress was too soft, the bed too big and cold.

He ended sleeping on the floor, with nothing, but only blanket.

The beginning of the race day tasted of triple espresso. At this point the more coffee he had the more he wanted to sleep, but he could at least try to keep sleep away; even Monster Energy didn’t help him to feel _alive._

_[maybe he wasn’t alive – but he was an automaton.]_

Bahrain Circuit was located in the middle of nowhere; and in general, the circuit had all the charm of an airport departure lounge. The dunes of Bahrainan desert were the major worry for sand on the track as they could reduce the tyre adhesion, affect the engines and other parts of the car.

And even if it wasn’t as hot as in Singapore, the race was held under the artificial lights. Kylo spent hours before the race like the any other day: meeting with engineers, some light work out, coffee, another meeting, massage, coffee, driver’s parade –

[Rey didn’t favour him with even one glance]

[he barely could look at her, actually –

but he could hear her laugh – too loud, and see the smile – too wide]

[pretending everything’s okay]

He could see the dunes of Bahranian desert.

And he just wanted – to go there and never come back.

Would his uncle and mother leave Rey? He knew that they would not. She wasn’t him.

[ _you forced her, Ben_

voice of Poe was shaking, deep with hatred and disgust

 _How could you take advantage of her?_ ]

Another coffee, Kylo could barely focus on what his race engineer was saying.

‘Kylo’ said Snoke.

It was minutes before the race, the whole staring grid was full of team members, mechanics, reporters.

Kylo was warming up his wrists. The lights were too bright, his body still too calm – even with all this caffeine he consumed.

‘I just wanted to say… take it easy’ Snoke whispered, placing a hand on his shoulder.

Kylo’s clenched his jaw.

‘The race is won by the ones who finish it, so I want you to remember’ he felt the erratic breath on his ear, the flashes of cameras in his eyes, the hustle and bustle of the grid.

‘Team orders. Hux gets the same, but I won’t say… you’re doing pretty good.’

Snoke moved away. Kylo knew at once what he meant by his words.

‘A little bird told me she was at your room yesterday’ he heard. ‘And she left it crying.’

Rey was not so far away from him, standing still, with her orange-white helmet.

‘I’m breaking her’ Kylo said quietly, looking away.

‘I’m… breaking her’ he repeated.

Snoke watched him carefully.

Kylo played a dangerous game – not only a game with Rey, Snoke.

He played it with Ben Solo.

He felt eyes of Leia Organa on his back for years. He saw how many times she called him. But she never came close as she knew he would not welcome her.

There was too much bad blood between them. Some things cannot be fixed – but stay broken and ignored.

2014 was the dawn of new hybrid era in Formula 1. 2.4 litre V8 engines were changed to 1.6 litre V6 turbo engines. Kylo grew up hearing the thunderous roar of V12s and V10s. He heard that many fans complained that the new engines are not “real” because they are so quiet comparing to old ones.

But the F1 car was still an F1 car. Nothing could compare to sitting insdie one of the most complicated machines in the world – feeling the engine revving under you, when you hold the breaks.

_First red light,_

[Rey hitting him once –

_Second –_

[Her fists on his chest, eyes devoid of any feelings –

_Third light –_

[I was scared they would leave me, like my parents did!]

It hurt him. It did hurt him.

_Fourth light –_

[you never left her – she did]

_Fifth light._

[Rey’s smile

_Ben_ ]

He hated how his heart stopped hearing that name in her lips.

_His name._

[like she knew there’s a conflict in him;

she was the reason for it]

But it didn’t mattered now.

The lights were out.

The race was on.

*******

No amount of coffee of this world would save him from sleep.

The face cut from the morning was healing, but it did prickle a little, when Kylo washed his face from all the sweat of the race.

There were 3 burises on his chest.

They were now black.

He closed his eyes, resting hands on the sink.

_…and Kylo Ren wins the Bahrain GP!_

Winning was the most dangerous drug of all; when you win, you want more.

And winning is never certain.

Kylo didn’t feel any kind of pleasure from winning. Not when he had the best car on the grid, not when he was undoubtedly the best.

But Kylo felt nothing.

Just numbness.

Cold.

The team around him, standing on the podium. Second win of the season, Hux standing on second place.

Dameron – third.

This years’s gonna be _his_ year.

This year he will become the world champion.

The racing was now his life, it was his escape. He had nothing, but only that. That legacy.

Hux was right.

Snoke would never take him in if it wasn’t for his name. Everybody knew who hides behind the new persona of Kylo Ren.

Ben Solo.

And Kylo couldn’t stop. He had contracts. He wanted to be the world champion. He was trapped. Because he longed for this escape he found in racing. It was the trance, the drug – because when he was stepping into the cockpit, when he had his helmet on – he was a driver.

There was no Kylo Ren or Ben Solo.

Just him.

_A driver._

Turn one, turn two. Changing gears. The pit stop. Overtaking, taking the lead, tyre management. Kylo didn’t even feel the heat of the Bahrain night; he had been on fire since he could remember.

Racing was like the constant war; every race – a battle. The battle he fought with his rivals, car, and himself. The battle that was never-ending, even when he stood on the highest place on the podium.

[destroy what destroys you]

[destroy her]

[but… _could_ he?]

The interviews, a press conference. Kylo felt nothing – just the moment when Mitaka shoved another cup of espresso in his hand. Even the champagne he drank on the podium didn’t wash away the taste of coffee bitterness.

He had to leave this place behind. He couldn’t stand being here any longer. Three hours after the race, the press interviews, he was already on the plane, in his private jet.

With a coffee in his hand.

The fresh coffee, black one, when it was just brewed, had delicious crema – white foam – on its surface. Kylo found it fascinating to see it spinning around, around, around its own axis, like the smallest of the Milky Ways, a coffee barred spiral galaxy he could hold in his hand.

He liked the flights the most – especially the longest ones. Away from everything, in the air, you really felt you are left alone. It was a blessing, but also a curse.

To be left alone. Alone with his thoughts.

[you know I could take whatever I want]

Rey under him, looking at him, hind-eyed. His lips burnt with the memory of her skin. His phantom-like heart hurt him, longed for her, called to her.

Kylo would kiss her without her consent.

[then why… you won’t take it…?]

_You know why, Rey. You know._

Ben would never do that.

Above London you could never see the night sky; the lights of the cities painted the skies in the angry hues of purples and reds. Kylo stared then at this firmament of black velvet, to the blurred line between the horizon of the world and the sky. Being so high – seeing the world from above under as points of lights, squares, made you feel like you were part of entirely different world.

He wished so hard to watch the stars with Rey, once.

He was exhausted. The jet plane engine was humming, hypnotizing him, Kylo felt that he falls deeper into the chair. He couldn’t fall asleep, he didn’t know why he was so scared, but he just couldn’t –

\- the half-drank coffee was too far away and his eyelids felt heavy, heavier _and heavier…_

_...once there was, where_ there wasn't, there was a young officer in the American army, dark-haired and dark-eyed. He was off-duty and after visiting his friends in capital of Transleithania, Budapest, he found himself in the little-known – not to say obscure - part of Carpathians. His friends laughed at his idea of travelling alone, but the young man could not say no to the call of unknown and he travelled this land on a bicycle even though they did try to persuade him to use a car.

After a long day of travel, sky started to darkle. He saw seeing the most of the beautiful, yet lone landscapes of mountain ranges with tops of never-melting ice. It was the time of crepuscule and the welkin was covered by the unraveling iridescent shawl of golds, ambers, faint celadons pinks and purples.

The soldier indented to find a place soon, where he could spend a night, he was sure he saw the lights of the houses in the valley. However, he stopped in the middle of the desolate, probably never used road and looked at the dark wall of the forest.

There was a quiet, constant murmur of a nearby stream and the soldier just realized what a great thirst was straining him as he didn’t drink daylong.

He left his bike by the trunk of old ash tree and ventured into the darkness. It didn’t take him long to reach his destination; shortly thereafter, he saw the stream; the water was crystal-clear, foamy and cold as it came from the heart of the mountains and ice. The boulders polished by the water glistening with rainbows seemed more like marble mirrors and there were myriads of small waterfalls .

The stream hummed the quiet song accompanied by the hums of the evenings winds when the soldier came closer to the stream. He kneeled by the bank and slaked his thirst with the coldest of waters. Then he drank more and then, for a moment, he just sat still, closing his eyes.

_'Bienvenue.’_

The sweetest of all voices murmured in his ear; heavy with French accent, the language of noble and aristocratic families of Europe. The air was now filled with roses’ scent, heavy, musky scent.

The solider opened his eyes. A delicate touch – firstly on his shoulder, then jaw – made him shiver.

He wasn’t alone.

A delicate touch, an invitation, a welcome – on his shoulder, then jaw, a touch like a breeze – made him shiver.

He turned his head.

By his side, now taking a step back, there was a young maiden. She was luminous in her aethereal beauty, the aureola around her head was bathing the chestnut locks in gold, curling around the swan neck and falling on her bare shoulders. The pale skin glittered like the inside of the quartz-stone. Her face was a perfection; rosy cheeks, freckles, hazel eyes and wildest, warmest of smiles.

She was like the personification of the Sun; she was dressed in white, torn, figure-hugging negligee, and the soldier, as he was well-mannered, he knew he should look away, but he could not.

He slowly rose to his feet, although bowing before her felt more natural; she was the most enthralling, captivating maiden the soldier has ever seen in his life; he had no idea how and why the maiden like her was here, in the middle of dark backwoods when she was undoubtedly genteel if not royal-born.

The maiden watched him with the gentle smile.

‘ _N'aie pas peur_ ’ she laughed, her voice like the choir of silver bells.

She extended her hand.

The solider looked down.

There was a black-golden card in her palm; a Tarot card.

Two people, joined together in tight, loving embrace. Their lips touching.

‘ _Les Amoureux_ ’ she whispers and though he does not speak French, he knows what she just said.

_The Lovers._

The soldier looks at her. The maiden extends the second hand, smiling at him.

The rose’s petals are dark-red, crimson, rich in scent. He cannot find any imperfection, a deformity in it; like he couldn’t find any in the maiden.

 _‘Je vous attendais, mon amour_ ’ he hears. He finds her eyes, glowing.

She extends her hand again, in a pleading gesture.

He hesitantly takes the card, barely breathing. He also takes the rose, but when he closes his fingers on it -

He drops the rose and card on the ground, when a thorn cuts his skin.

When looks down, the picture of two lovers is stained with blood.

He winces taking the thorn out from his finger and again looks at her.

She watches him, dark-eyed. Before he says anything, she takes his hand and –

Her lips close on his skin.

The solider feels the blush reddening his cheeks; he cannot fully understand what he feels now, what is she doing to him.

After a while that felt like forever, she lets go his hand. Her lips are now as red as the rose that draw his blood and he realizes he cannot look away – he just thinks about the card.

_The Lovers._

He does know the love at first sight does not exist, but he knows he just fell deeply and irrevocably.

The maiden smiles at him and it’s enough.

He’s in love.

He comes closer, closer, slowly, slowly, towards her. He looks for any sign she does not want it, but she stands still, smiling.

He cups her face with his hands. Her eyes gaze straight into his soul.

‘I’ve never been kissed’ he says quietly, voice breaking.

The maiden laughs softly, like she did understand what he just said. His eyes fall again on her red lips – pleading, begging to be kissed. His body, heart, soul calls to her and he thinks –

Maybe she was the reason he came here.

She leans to him, closer and closer, lips just a breath she stole from him away.

‘ _Vous serez ma proie_ ’ she murmurs.

And then, she grabs him and sinks her teeth into his neck.

\- Kylo woke up abruptly, wide-eyed and out of breath.

He was on the jet, filled with first rays of the Sun. He looked around, shaking.

The dream. He… he dreamt. The soldier. The maiden.

_It was -_

‘Sir, is everything all right?’

Kylo’s eyes found Mitaka, who sat nearby and looked alarm.

‘Sir?’

He was speechless.

‘No… _no_ ’ Kylo shook his head. He was all covered in sweat. ‘I just…. I had… a –‘

He touched his neck.

 _The teeth, the blood_ -

 _‘_ It was just a dream’ he whispered. ‘Just a dream.’

He tried so desperately to calm himself down.

‘Are you sure, sir?’ he heard

‘Yes’ Kylo shifted in his chair. ‘Absolutely sure.’

‘An hour and we will land in London, sir.’

‘Thank you.’

He gulped and took a deep breath.

‘Would you want something to drink?’

How a dream could feel so real? He was still shivering. He knew who was the mysterious maiden. Kylo closes his eyes; Rey smiling at him, watching him, when she sucked the blood out of him. Her sweet smile and him – _the fool_.

Rey. Of course. She would haunt, hunt him.

_Vous serez ma proie,_ Rey's sweet voice echoed in his mind. 

[you will be my prey.]

_The Lovers._

He was stupid, he almost got seduced once. It’s what his dream wanted to tell him.

‘Mitaka’ said Kylo, staring out of the window.

‘Yes, sir?’

‘Get me some coffee’ he whispered. ‘Please.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told ya, it was more introspective and “spiritual” chapter. I really wanted to write it from Kylo’s pov, the moment when “he fell to the Dark Side”, after that night 8 years ago. It was my adaptation of Kylo’s – then Ben – and Snoke talk from “The Rise of Kylo Ren”, issue #2 and I thought it works rather well in this alternate universe. Initially, I planned to title the chapter “Nigredo”, but in the end I thought “Dark Night of the Soul” – ‘in analytical psychology a metaphor for 'the dark night of the soul, when an individual confronts the shadow within' (thanks auntie Wikipedia) – works better. Nigredo (or blackness) on the other hand, in alchemy means putrefaction or decomposition. Ben’s journey – as well as Rey’s – reminded me of that term and I thought, combined with that almost canon talk, Ben’s feelings and his dream, it really made sense.
> 
> And, Kylo’s dream is my retelling of Angela Carter’s “The Lady of the House of Love.” And it was the mirror to Rey’s dream about The Wolf. 
> 
> So, AG’s F1-lingo auntie Wiki time:  
> Karting World Championship – ‘The Karting World Championship is a kart racing competition organised by the CIK-FIA. It is held annually since 1964, and is karting's flagship event. The FIA (International Automobile Federation) created the CIK (International Karting Commission) in 1962. There is a separate CIK-FIA Endurance Championship, normally held each year at Le Mans, France, and there are separate Continental Championships like the CIK-FIA European Championships (OK, OK junior, KZ, KZ2 and Superkart) and the CIK-FIA Asia Pacific Championships. In 1968 CIK-FIA launched the first World Cup for Juniors.’
> 
> Niki Lauda – ‘was an Austrian Formula One driver, a three-time F1 World Drivers' Champion, winning in 1975, 1977 and 1984, and an aviation entrepreneur. He is the only driver in F1 history to have been champion for both Ferrari and McLaren, the sport's two most successful constructors. He is widely considered one of the greatest F1 drivers of all time.’
> 
> In the fanfic Niki Lauda died before 2019, when in our reality he died on 20 May 2019. 
> 
> Brackley – ‘is a market town in South Northamptonshire, England, on the borders with Oxfordshire and Buckinghamshire. 19 miles (31 km) from Oxford and 22 miles (35 km) from Northampton. Historically a market town based on the wool and lace trade, it was built on the intersecting trade routes between London, Birmingham and the Midlands and Cambridge and Oxford. Brackley is close to Silverstone and home to the Mercedes AMG Petronas F1 Team.’
> 
> Driven – ‘is a 2001 American action sports film directed by Renny Harlin and starring Sylvester Stallone, who also wrote and produced. It centers on a young racing driver's effort to win the CART FedEx Championship Series auto racing championship. Prior to production, Stallone was seen at many Formula One races, but he was unable to procure enough information about the category due to the secrecy with which teams protect their cars, so he decided to base the film on Champ Car.’
> 
> I don’t know if I hate this movie or I love it. It’s so so bad, but also drama, oh god drama!!!!
> 
> Yes, the title is the same for the fanfic. It’s a COINCIDENCE. 
> 
> Other wiki-time:  
> Чёрт – devil, but in Russian 
> 
> Transleithania – ‘The internal official name "Lands of the Crown of Saint Stephen" (Hungarian: "a Szent Korona Országai") denominated the Hungarian territories of Austria-Hungary during the totality of the existence of the latter (30 March 1867 – 16 November 1918).’
> 
> Bienvenue – hello, but in French?
> 
> N'aie pas peur – don’t be afraid, but in French
> 
> Les Amoureux – the lovers, but in French
> 
> Vous serez ma proie – you will be my prey, but in French
> 
> TRANSYLVANIA WAS THE PART OF HUNGARY, AND IT’S BEEN THE PART OF ROMANIA SINCE 1918!!1
> 
> Sorry I just… found about it.
> 
> So, in the end I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Next one will have more action and you can try to prepare yourself, but… nah, you won’t.
> 
> Wash hands, stay at home, don’t be assholes and don’t set grass on fire. Take care of yourself and your loved ones!
> 
> See you next chapter <3


	13. Chapter 12: The Driver

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I want to apologise, but due to the fact uni is killing me with the homework, and I feel really out of inspiration lately, I can’t update as frequently as I wish I could. I also have to write another research paper and somehow I thought writing about “the body of the city” as “the mirror to the character’s psyche" is a good idea.
> 
> [no, it’s not]
> 
> And really, if you aren't really into F1 and you probably aren't, last days were just FRANTIC. Sebastian Vettel left Ferrari and F1 went crazy and everybody started to question who will replace him, because like god, it's Sebastian Vettel and a free Ferrari seat. Now we know it will be Carlos Sainz Jr, but God, it is crazy, the silliest season of silly seasons I've ever seen. I really hope Seb won't retire, because I like him a lot and he brings the human side to F1 and the thought of seeing him in MERCEDES - oh fuck, sign me the fuck up.
> 
> [a girl can dream, ok?]
> 
> So, I’m back. With a new chapter. I really hope you will enjoy it and… good things are coming ;)
> 
> I want to say once again: I love my beautiful gf. And I thank her everyday she requested this fic.
> 
> I want to thank once again my beta reader/editor Dot – thank you for checking my mistakes and giving that suggestion about Sunday Roast <3
> 
> As always, I provide the link to “driven” playlist:  
> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLaX7lYzfeohzt5SyhBwW-RdcxnoWee6e7
> 
> Here you can watch the video for “driven” made by my beautiful gf:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4T816WuZVvw
> 
> For this chapter, I mainly listened to this songs:  
> 1\. Dario Marianelli – Awaken  
> 2\. Hans Zimmer – Interstellar Main Theme  
> 3\. Tears For Fears – Head Over Heels  
> 4\. Krystyna Prońko – Jesteś lekiem na całe zło
> 
> Be my guest and enjoy the new chapter!

https://www.espn.com/f1/story/_/id/262605561/rey-kiraly-the-future-of-formula-one-and-skywaler-ferrari-is-female

**REY KIRÁLY: THE FUTURE OF FORMULA 1 (AND SKYWALKER FERRARI) IS FEMALE**

By Shaak Ti

**Rey Király’s Bahrain GP performance should make Skywalker Ferrari question Poe Dameron's No.1 status. She might not have got the podium this weekend as she deserved to but have no doubts about it, Rey Király cemented her place as one of Formula One's future stars this weekend.**

Rey Király did everything right on Sunday evening, only to be let down by her machinery with 12 laps remaining. Skywalker Ferrari later confirmed a cylinder cut out on Király’s engine. The lost performance was worth between four and five seconds a lap and, with that thorn in her side, there was no way Király could even catch two Mercedes FO as well as her teammate.

However, what is happening with Poe Dameron? While Király deserves a lot of plaudits, the reigning world champion might just have a bit of explaining to do in the post-race debrief. Dameron had led early on, but had no answer to Rey Király's pace from that point. But a lack of raw speed is easier to explain away than what happened to Dameron later.

While fighting Hux late in the race he did well to defend, only to spin a lap later. Replays showed there was no contact beforehand, which was similar to the spin Dameron suffered while being passed by Hux at last year's Hungarian Grand Prix. Dameron is undoubtedly an amazing driver and the reigning world champion, nevertheless it cannot be denied that he owes his title to then on-going rivalry between Mercedes FO teammates that ended in spectacular crash during Singapore Grand Prix and in the end, was the making of Dameron’s world champion title.

Skywalker Ferrari said ahead of this season it would favour Dameron in any 50/50 situations this year, but in fairness to the British-Italian team both drivers were allowed to race. However, since Australian Grand Prix Király showed that her performance during training and qualifying sessions, as well as the race pace – beats Dameron’s one. She beat Dameron in two qualifying sessions and if it wasn’t for the engine failure, she would definitely stand again on the podium with two Mercedes FO drivers.

Asked about her feelings and thoughts due to being first female F1 driver since Leia Organa, Király replied:

"My mental strength was definitely a vulnerability back in the karting days, and I've worked hard on that to be as ready as possible for whenever I had the chance in F1. I want people to see my hard work as the reason I got into Formula 1. Being a driver means not only training your muscles, but mind. It’s a self-discovery and about how to manage yourself better. When I step into the cockpit I feel like I become entirely different person. I’m a driver. Firstly and primarily. A driver. Not a woman.”

The result of that hard work is remarkable. Király crushed competition in her last season in Formula 2. She had been also the first and for now the only female driver taken in by Ferrari Academy - and now she became the first female Ferrari driver.

Király, being an adopted daughter of Luke Skywalker, as niece of Leia Organa as well as cousin to Poe Dameron - late Kes Dameron's son (also former F1 driver) and Organa’s adopted son - jokes that racing is simply in her blood. Even being raised up in the centre of attention and Formula 1’s glamour, Reymont “Rey” Király evinces incredible modesty. As a Ferrari driver, the attention on Király has stepped up again this year, but if it's taking its toll, she doesn't show it.

But for all her maturity and composure at the racetrack, Király insists she is still a normal 23-year-old. The word "normal" requires some caveats when you’re the member of probably the most-known racing family in history and have a Ferrari 488 Pista, the third fastest Ferrari in history and powered by the most powerful V8 engine in Maranello, as your road car, but she insists she has always had a clear divide between Rey at the racetrack and Rey at home.

But for all the trappings of being a Ferrari driver in Formula One, Király remains down to earth. She already shows she has something that Poe Dameron lacks; she can find balance between being aggressive and smooth. The way she dealt with Kylo Ren’s behaviour and apologies shows she’s a true role model not only for young girls, but everyone. Her modesty, undeniable grace are qualities that makes her all the more likeable and admirable, when combined with her talent behind the wheel, has the potential to make her one of the most well-rounded drivers on the grid, if not – the first female F1 world champion and legend.

https://www.formula1.com/en/race-report-china

REPORT / CHINA

**Ren beats Hux in China as Mercedes FO dominate Formula 1 1000th race**

14 April 2019

By CC Gregor

As Formula 1 celebrated the 1000th World Championship race, Kylo Ren led home team mate Armitage Hux as Mercedes FO secured their third one-two in as many races to start the 2019 season. On a day when Skywalker Ferrari had no answer for the Silver Arrows, Poe Dameron completed the podium in third. Ren’s flawless drive earned him the title of the ‘Driver of The Day’.

And speaking after his victory, secured through a brilliant start, Ren chalked up the improvement from 2018 to 2019 to a change in his driving style.

“Through the weekend, the car’s really not liked how I drive at this track,” said Ren. “I was always really quick here and my aggressive driving style worked really well, and then I used that in the last two years and the tyres would not allow it and the car would not allow it and I seemed to have lost a lot of performance.”

Ren’s victory in China was the 12th of his career.

So, with all the early season talk having been about the strength of the Skywalker Ferrari package this year, did Ren now feel that it was Mercedes FO who were emerging as the team to beat?

“I don’t feel like we’re the dominant team” he replied. “But I think our overall process has been more solid, the platform, pits tops, performance in qualifying, just very, very much operating at the super-high, 90 percentile. The team is doing an incredible job and the car is just perfect.”

Ren heads the drivers’ standings. And while the last year runner up might not reckon that Mercedes FO are the dominant team this year, they currently enjoy a sizeable 57-point advantage in the constructors’ standings over Skywalker Ferrari.

https://www.motorsport.com/heroes-of-motorsport-introducing-ahsoka-tano

**Heroes of Motorsport: Introducing Ahsoka Tano**

**_Heroes of Motorsport_** , the feature-length documentary available to watch on Motorsport.player, follows the incredible racing careers of five icons of the motorsport.

One of those heroes is four-time World Rally Championship event winner and 1982 title runner-up Ahsoka Tano, who recalls her pioneering rally career.

From the director behind the award-winning _Skywalker_ and _Organa_ , Trooper Hevy's 111-minute documentary _Heroes of Motorsport_ is a must-see for all fans of motorsport.

> Anything can happen in F1, and it usually does.
> 
> ― Murray Walker

_Nature always wears the colors of the spirit,_ aunt Leia used to say, quoting Ralph Waldo Emerson. Rey knew, thanks to American Literature Studies, that Emerson was a transcendentalist and God, the divine could be only understood by studying nature.

However, she felt like, with all the respect to Emerson, he is mistaken.

Nature was the true contradiction of her spirit.

There was always that season in-bewteen, early spring, when you weren’t sure if autumn didn’t come back; the old leaves, brown, were like the most thick carpet that covered the spaces and filled in the leafless forests. The whole world seemed gray, brownish, frozen; the mud was everywhere after a run and at some point Rey just gave up trying to clean her shoes. Everything was simply so _ugly_ and Rey knew she shouldn’t, but she felt weird satisfaction seeing this ugliness of nature surrounding her.

It was the perfect mirror to how she felt.

There again, slowly, something changed when Rey didn’t. The world was waking up from the long hibernation of frosts, snow and months of wintry weather. The days became longer and warmer, and Rey couldn’t hide in the long evening anymore. And at some point, Rey had to resign herself bitterly to the fact that nature doesn’t share the same bitterness as her anymore:

Spring, undeniably and irrevocably, came.

A year ago, she would be happy. So happy, because Rey _loved spring_. It was always her favourite season, because she loved the efflorescence of the nature. She loved seeing the first white buds on the trees, that glorious morning haze, that green mist between the twigs and branches that was telling you soon first leaves will appear. Rey loved that green of only just grown grass, first leaves. That green, varying from velvet-soft celadons, eau-de-nil , silken mints to deep and heavy, rich, luscious malachite green, that green that could only be seen in the last weeks of April and first ones of May, couldn’t be compared with anything else. Later, the sun would dry, burn and scorch the land completely by the end of May.

However, now, seeing the buds and first white blossoming flowers on the twigs in the orchard just outside the window of her room, Rey just felt so bitter. So mad. So angry. It felt wrong. It felt like whole nature was just slapping her in the face with all its beauty, when Rey felt like she’s rotting inside. She resented the whole mother nature because the nature somehow moved on, when Rey –

\- Rey was stuck.

She was as frozen as she was helpless.

It’s been three weeks since her talk with Kylo.

Three weeks.

Three weeks of days, so similar to each other. She was stuck, like the moment when Kylo yelled at her to get out. But she (actually) never left that room, not really. She visited it, she was there for all nights of her dreams, reliving it, hearing , feeling the whispers of Kylo’s on her neck and lips, his hands on her wrists, fingers almost interlocking with hers.

Rey built her live around the one constant truth. It was her law, constant, unalterable law:

Ben Solo is gone.

The man that wore his body and face was the one of the doppelganger with the scar; Ben Solo ceased to exist when she stuck him, the camaro roar dead in the night.

There is no Ben Solo; only Kylo Ren.

It helped her. Rey knew it’s her problem, bottling up feelings, running away from the truth. But without it, she would simply go crazy. She had to pretend she is fine, because otherwise she would realize she’s not simply okay and just… stop functioning.

Her years of training didn’t only include physical one. Rey trained her mind like a muscle. The series of tests she underwent every year at the Formula Medicine made her think she’s partly mechanical – she could easily apply Amdahl’s law and see what needs improvements. She was good at pretending everything is fine; she was amazing at it.

She didn’t tell anyone about her meeting with Kylo. Why would she?

She couldn’t. If she did, it would mean… accepting that indeed, their talk happened. She really didn’t want to remember. She didn’t want it.

Alas, she couldn’t forget.

Therefore, she was stuck. And she only grew bitter and bitter. And the more bitter she was getting, the more mad she was becoming at everything, the more tired she was becoming.

Kylo Ren made her say one of the most hurtful truths of all. The one she had been and still is scared to even whisper.

And he made her scream it.

She wasn’t a person anymore. She was the mirror, she was the Moon – the light she shone was the reflected one; she was the cave, she was full of echoes and voices of others. They filled her, like the ocean fills interiors of the costal caves with every high tide. They filled her with their high hopes of her. And she let them, she let them in, deeper and deeper, and when they were gone – she was just empty, carved, left craving _for more_ –

She knew she shouldn’t want _more_.

But she did.

She was hunger-stricken. Everything was bitter; everything tasted of bitter truth and bile.

The echoes. Her fight with Poe, the echoes of those words, said by Poe, her brother and the whispers of Kylo Ren, Ben –

[she didn’t want to think Ben was there, inside that monster]

[but he was]

His eyes, those eyes hardened by hatred and cold as ice; they softened, they were soft with crystal tears. His voice, deep and melodic baritone that used to hum songs before breaking to gentle laugh she loved. She saw him and couldn’t unsee him. Her Ben –

She didn’t want to believe it. No, she couldn’t.

[he was there]

_Ben Solo was gone._

[and he was furious with her]

Kylo Ren could wear the face of Ben Solo, but he wasn’t him.

She was [not] okay. She was [not].

And the most ironic thing was… nobody seemed to care.

[Ben was right]

No, Rey couldn’t say that. She acted normally, she smiled, she didn’t feel _that_ bad. Maybe it was just change of weather. And uncle Luke, Leia… Poe - they were busy, Leia had the whole team to take care of and after all, Rey and Poe made amends to each other. He even gave her Ferrari 250GTO that now stood in her room next to other models. She accepted Poe’s apologies – even when it hurt, but she was already so scared. Leia cried smiling when that happened, even Luke sighed with relief.

Their family was so small now – just the four of them.

The shadow, the echo – of the person that used to be there with them, the empty chair by the table during their Saturday and Sunday dinners – seemed to come back, over and over again and the only person who heard it, was Rey.

She felt the bitterness grew in her that kind of jealousy, unnatural hunger, twisting her in the most of corrupted ways.

 _Don’t let him get inside your head_ , Poe said. But what if Poe was getting inside her head?

What if she let them spoke for so long she didn’t hear herself, but echoes?

[oh god, oh god, god!]

Bahrain, she was so close, but her engine just went dead after few laps. China, when she almost swore through the radio and went crazy hearing that they made her give her position to Poe. Team orders, yes. Yes, she knew she is the second driver, but why? Rey was faster. She had better pace. And again –

She couldn’t give any bad media coverage. Yes, Poe was the number one driver. But it hurt. Rey was inexperienced, but she could drive. She wasn’t the wingman.

Wingwoman.

So she was stuck. In that weird state of pretending everything is fine to the moment she was sure she’s fine. Until she spotted Kylo somewhere – even on stupid TV or from far away.

[so stuck]

[Ben smiling at her, with tears in his eyes

We can escape, run away from everything. We don’t need them.

But each other]

[she couldn’t]

[so afraid to leave…]

Rey built her whole life on the fact that Ben Solo was gone.

She killed him the moment she scarred him.

But the truth lied deeper than the scar.

And Rey didn’t feel she can confront it.

‘Hello, Rey. I didn’t expect you here.’

The dark figure of her adopted father casted a long shadow. Luke walked into the stable and put the bucket down with loud dang.

Rey froze. Snow White neighed and at once moved her head to her hands, demanding more caresses.

‘Oh, hi’ Rey mumbled.

‘You went for a run, didn’t you?’ asked Luke, coming closer.

‘Yes’ she replied, not looking at him. She focused on the gentle face of the horse, that black eyes. ‘But I wanted to visit the horses.’

Rey wouldn’t say she’s an insomniac. However, last three weeks took its toll on her. And today she couldn’t sleep; she was restless, and the bird started singing at 4 am. So she took her running shoes, set a timer and went for a long run, but even her long run apparently didn’t last long enough to see the sunrise, because there wasn’t any.

It was one of that weird, strange days when the weather seemed warm, but in fact the cold was piercing you with every touch of wind. The sky was so gray and clear like a sheet of paper. But there was that darkness, the remnants of the night, hiding in the corners and Rey somehow felt the need to hide.

She couldn’t say it would be an ugly day, unfortunately. Gloomy, yes. Nevertheless, on the white canvas of the sky the buds and flowers seemed to stand out even harder.

‘Oh, my beautiful Snowy’ Luke came closer to Rey and then extended his hand to give a horse a sugar cube. ‘How did you sleep, beauty?’

Rey smiled weakly.

Oxhead, Luke’s Tudor manor, reminded her of a lone island in the same centre of green sea. The vast fields were like a honeycomb of green patches of fields, forest and silver lining of streams. Due to her job – because racing was her job now as she realised – Rey was rarely at home and Luke was mostly alone. And Rey actually felt he doesn’t mind it. Uncle always despised the whole fuss that came with Formula 1 and Rey knew he misses the old days, before Internet. Oxhead was like the place of his own exile.

When she was at home, between the races or during winter, summer break, Rey would see Luke wandering around the house, stable yard, orchard, like a ghost. She heard the stories that people changed when they were old, but would she say the same about Luke?

Not really.

Aunt Leia was so much different than Luke. But on the other hand uncle Luke was just… Luke. And Leia was the Team Principal of Skywalker Ferrari, meanwhile her brother chose to take a backseat and retirement away from the spotlight. He had Chewie, he had his horses, orchard, kitchen garden and currants. Rey knew she wouldn’t ever forget how Luke startled her once when she got back from her run. He just jumped out from the currant bushes, wearing a green poncho and an old fishing hat and had a small bucket hanged on one of her old ropes around his neck to have free hands. She almost had a heart attack.

In the last years, he became more and more eccentric. He was always an individual, but the fact he seemed to avoid any media now, public appearances or even maybe existing itself, bothered her.

‘You want to go for a ride later? With Poe?’

Luke’s voice brought her back to reality. She shook her head.

‘He’s afraid of hoses, don’t you remember?’ Rey whispered, stroking Snowhite’s muzzle.

The Prancing Horse was the symbol of Italian sports car manufacturer Ferrari. It was used as Ferrari and Scuderia Ferrari logos, on tifosi's flags and as a Ferrari symbol. Rey grew up with horses, she wasn’t the best rider for sure, but she wasn’t the worst. Going for long rides in the Oxfordshire countryside were one of her favourite activities, though she knew she shouldn’t ride much; horse riding could end in serious injury that could even end her career.

And also, she was used to do it alone. Poe never came with her. There was one person from the Skywalker family, beside her, that could ride a horse.

And she really didn’t want to think about him now.

‘Oh yeah, you’re right, I forgot’ Luke petted Snow White and moved to the right to next cabin where another horse, black Thoroughbred named Prince, neighed seeing him.

‘Good thing that when you’re gone there are people who keep them busy’ he added, caressing its muzzle. ‘I think… there are three people that come here to get them a ride, clean. Horses are like… the heart of the cars, you know? You need to take care of them, love them, cherish. In a way they are the mothers of our cars, the first ever races weren’t cow races, but okay, how would we know?’

Rey laughed. 

‘Cow races?’

‘You know, you loved that movie, with a racing zebra.’

‘Racing stripes, uncle, but I was –‘

‘Ten, yes.’

Rey laughed louder and almost at once stopped.

She felt the bile in her mouth.

[Ben always laughed at her for picking this movie, but somehow he was the one to remind Poe it was Rey’s time for picking the movie]

‘I love horses’ Luke was whispering, more to himself than to Rey. ‘I admire them, their strength, speed, ability, stamina… their spirit lives inside the roar of the cars.’

‘Snow White has a great lineage, Rey’ Luke added. ‘One of her ancestors was Skowronek, noted for his outstanding Arabian type, particularly his fine head and overall correct conformation. And Snow White is remarkable.’

Rey leaned on the cabin.

‘You say so?’ she murmured.

‘But you always preferred Prince’ Luke shook his head. ‘Beautiful Thoroughbred, hot-blooded. The real symbol of Ferrari.’

Rey took a deep breath. She stayed silent for a bit, thinking about the chaos, the pandemonium her mind had become.

The best thing was to talk to the doctor, actually. Psychologist. But it would rise questions, because Rey didn’t went to her therapist for last month, if not a year. Her meetings were usually focused on driving side of her mind. And she didn’t feel comfortable with revealing real reasons why she should talk to Doctor Lor San Tekka.

She took a deep breath, gathering all of her courage.

‘Uncle, I want –‘

‘You know that you got an invitation for the gala?’

Rey fell silent and gulped.

Gala?

‘Wha-what gala?’ she choked out.

Luke turned to her.

‘You don’t remember about birthday gala of Ahsoka Tano?’ he asked.

Ahsoka Tano was a former rally driver. She competed in the World Rally Championship for the Audi factory team, she took four victories and finished runner-up in the drivers' world championship. She was still the only female driver to win major championship in rallying, winning the German Rally Championship with Peugeot. For now, Tano was the founder of the international motorsport event Race of Champions and the president of FIA's Women & Motor Sport Commission, when Rey, this year, was again appointed as one of two representatives of drivers.

Tano was also the protégé of Anakin Skywalker and cited him as the man – in the time when competing in races, more – rally races – where almost impossible. Rey didn’t know her well – she was family friend to some extent, but still Rey wouldn’t say she had any special connection with her.

‘- oh, yeah’ Rey said, feeling her voice break.

A birthday gala was the last thing she expected, to be honest.

‘Nothing is official yet, but they plan it to be… hym, big’ she heard. Luke sighed deeply and went to another horse, Enzo.

‘FIA wants to… honour her birthday, right?’

‘I was also surprised that she agreed, but maybe she agreed because it’s mostly a charity gala. And not every day you turn 75’ he said.

‘That’s good’ she said hesitantly, coming to Prince, her – as Luke summed it up perfectly - favourite.

Horse rested his head on her chest at once. She could feel the heat of his nose through her sweated running jacket.

‘How do you know they plan a gala?’ she asked.

‘Maybe some friend called me to tell you’ Luke muttered. ‘You stink.’

Rey looked at him.

‘Hey!’

‘No, not you, Rey, but maybe –‘

Before she did anything, Luke quickly sniffed her.

‘God, are you Chewie?’ she asked.

‘Well, you stink a bit like him’ Luke pointed out. ‘You should take a shower before Leia and Poe arrive.’

Rey rolled her eyes.

‘Yes, of course, I will. But I –‘

‘You should sleep more, Rey’ Luke interrupted her. ‘You don’t look well.’

The wind blew; the strands of her sweaty hair fell to her eyes as she blinked, feeling the tears in her dry eyes. She opened her mouth, wanting desperately to say something, however the only thing that came out of her mouth was the imitation of the words, the echo, a warm and shaking breath.

Prince neighed suddenly and Rey almost jumped, startled.

‘I am… I am… okay’ she lied.

The coldness, earliness of the morning, the greyness, darkness of this – it would seem springtime – made her shiver. Her heart didn’t beat so fast even when she was running or racing. Now, it did.

She stepped back from Prince.

‘Few last weeks were hard for me’ she continued, not looking at him. ‘Races are hard and I-‘

And I…?

‘And maybe… I would want to talk with Doctor Tekka.’

Just after a moment she realised Luke was silent.

‘Doctor Tekka?’ he asked.

She could feel his cold-grey stare on her.

‘Yes’ she said.

Luke closed his eyes.

‘Please tell me it has nothing to do with… _him.’_

Rey gulped.

‘I-‘

Luke swore under his breath.

‘I knew… he would play the devil with you’ he whispered. ‘But we can’t avoid him there, not when he is your rival.’

Rey took a sharp breath. Luke glared at her.

‘You know how I feel about him, Rey’ he said. ‘And you know what he did to you.'

[tell them the truth]

[don’t play with fire

fire leaves scars.]

[but you cannot see the scarred soul]

Rey looked away.

‘And Leia?’ she whispered. ‘She misses him. A lot.’

Luke glowered at her, eyes dark; in this moment she felt the cold shiver running down her spine.

‘No’ his voice was colder than eyes. ‘Forget it, Rey. Forget it. ‘

She took a shaking breath.

‘But –‘

‘Don’t “but” me, Rey’ Luke interrupted her. ‘You’re just like Leia. You… have that… hope. He’s not a good person. He, he, he… molested you. And now he did it again. I hate even thinking… ‘

Rey shook her head.

‘He didn’t molest –‘

‘He did’ Luke said. ‘You were far too young and he knew what he was doing. He used you.’

[Tell them the truth.]

[but what if they don’t listen?]

Luke rose up and came to her.

‘If you need to talk to Doctor Tekka, I see no obstacles. But… Kylo… there’s no way I will… I would… try to forget…. What he has done. He ripped us apart. And then he ran away.’

Rey was silent. She slowly clenched fists.

‘But none of us tried to stop him’ she whispered.

Luke stared at her. She held his stare.

‘You have compassion for him.’

She could recognize the resignation – if not disappointment that touched the core of her soul.

She felt ashamed; she looked down.

‘I just can’t… stand seeing Leia so sad’ she confessed.

No, that was a lie.

She couldn’t stand seeing _herself_. In the mirror. She couldn’t stand seeing not Rey, but a liar. Echo of echoes.

[You're an inspiration now. And icon.]

[You will be the legend.]

She tilted her head. Luke’s gaze still fixed on her, but his cold eyes softened.

‘I know’ he said. ‘But… it’s better. For us.’

‘You sound just like Poe.’

‘Or he sounds like me’ Luke pointed out. ‘Just don’t.. let’s not think about it. Today is our family day. We will go for a walk, eat a delicious cake, we will relax. And you and Poe will play some Xbox thing.’

‘It’s a racing simulator’ Rey said.

‘And we will watch you both. Just remember… we have each other’ he smiled.

Her heart skipped a beat.

It was their smile – _the Skywalker’s smile._

[the smile of miserable people]

‘I will call doctor Tekka if you want, you will see him tomorrow.’

‘Yes, please.’

Luke patted her on the shoulder.

‘We will be okay, Rey.’

[Why she felt like during her argument with Poe? Just before her talk with Kylo?]

[Don't let him ... brainwash you again.]

[is Ren really the one to brainwash her?]

She knew that in the end she would hide the truth from Tekka the truth.

By saying the truth at loud… you made it true.

Things left unspoken… didn’t exist.

[Kylo was right.

She was the liar.

She was the traitor.]

She looked at Luke and smiled.

‘Yes’ she whispered. ‘We will be okay.’

*******

Skywalker Sundays were their tradition. Family day, as Luke would say. Time for relax, watching some movies, talking about everything and nothing and maybe (if the weather was nice enough) a walk in the countryside. And of course, Skywalker Sunday was the cheat day. Rey wasn’t so strict with her diet then and couldn’t say no to Sunday roast.

Rey always looked forward to this day; it helped her to prepare mentally, center herself knowing she is with people she can count on.

In many ways, it was the usual “Skywalker Sunday”. Punctually at 10 am Rey saw familiar silver F152M stopping in the drive way covered with the snow-white petals from nearby Mirabelle plum trees.

‘I swear it looks like it’s snowing’ Poe said, opening the doors for Leia, who got off from the car shaking her head.

‘And I swear it’s a miracle you didn’t get a ticket. You drive like a…’

‘Like a champ, _tia_ ’ Poe winked at her.

Rey could _hear_ how Leia rolls her eyes.

‘He gets too big for his boots’ she said to Rey in a stage whisper.

‘We would be late if not my amazing drive’ Poe turned to them. ‘Fuck-‘

A big ball of fur knocked him sideways.

‘Chewie!’

‘He waited for you’ Rey saw Luke standing in the hallway.

‘God, _mierda_ , Chewie!’ Poe tried to avoid being licked in very wet welcome, but Chewie got a bead on licking the every inch of his face.

‘Heel!’ Rey patted her thigh and Chewie at once looked at her.

‘Come on, boy! Good boy’ she said.

Chewie barked and run to her.

‘Oh god’ Poe shook his head and sat with difficulty. ‘I thought I would die.’

‘Such a drama queen, right?’ asked Rey, taking Chewie’s head in her hands. ‘Right, Chewie? Poe is such a drama queen.’

‘You’re using that voice again’ she heard Poe.

‘What voice?’ she started to scratch Chewie behind the ear.

Poe stood up.

‘Dog’s voice, you know’ he said. ‘Because, you know, you can talk whatever you want to the dog, it doesn’t matter, but how you say it –‘

He raised his finger.

‘That’s the key.’

Rey laughed.

‘Oh, come on’ she mumbled.

Poe put his hands on his hips.

‘Are you sure?’

‘What are you doing there, kids?’

‘ _Tio_ , an experiment!’ Poe yelled. ‘Rey, move.’

Rey theatrically reached for the sky and picked herself up.

‘All clear.’

Chewie looked at her and then at Poe. He wagged his tail.

‘Okay’ Poe took a deep breath. ‘Chewie –‘

Dog looked at him.

‘So, you see, I’m looking at him and talking normally and he wags his tail. Yes, Chewie, I’m talking about you, you idiotic diarrhea run dog.’

‘Hey, what? He has diarrhea?’ they heard Luke.

‘No!’ Rey and Poe yelled at once.

Poe shook his head.

‘Okay, so now, I will talk like you, Rey’ Poe continued. ‘Oh god, such a good boy, good boy!’

Chewie started to squee.

‘Oh good, such a good boy, I’m talking like Rey.’

‘You don’t really make a good impression of Rey, Poe’ Leia, who now stood next to Luke and watched her adopted son “experiment” didn’t look much impressed.

‘And now –‘

Poe leant closer to Chewie.

‘I LOVE YOU CHEWIE! YOU ARE THE BEST DOG EVER!’

Chewie jumped and before she realised he jumped into her arms, scared.

‘Blooody hell, Poe, don’t yell at the poor dog!’ Rey choked out. 'Oh god, he’s heavy.’

Poe shrugged.

‘I told ya, they don’t understand anything.’

Rey panted.

‘Oh god, how much does he weigh?’ she stroked Chewie fur.

‘Have you finished?’

She and Poe turned to Luke and Leia.

‘I think yes’ Poe said and in two or three leaps he was by Leia’s side.

Rey panted again and looked at Chewie.

‘Maybe I will let you go?’ she asked.

Brown eyes looked at her sadly.

‘Oh god, you’re a baby-‘

She fell silent.

‘Rey?’

She blinked.

‘Do you hear it?’ she said.

Leia, Luke and Poe looked at her, stunned.

‘Rey, what are you -

‘Shh’ Rey hushed them. ‘I hear –‘

There was quiet wind in-between the white petals of flowers on trees. Rey felt her lips get dry and a drop of sweat falling on her forehead.

The blood in her ears, no, maybe she –

The car.

Car.

Closer and closer –

In the same moment, when she turned around, she saw a black car – cabriolet.

She had to hallucinate. It couldn’t be.

[oh god]

Mercedes.

She watched, completely dazed, how the black Mercedes stops just behind the Ferrari.

The driver turned off the engine.

No, she really couldn’t hallucinate. She wished she was.

That profile, black hair, the aquiline nose, high cheekbones and _the scar_ –

The driver took off his sunglasses and looked her straight in the eye.

* * *

Hello, I can only hope that you all enjoyed this chapter! Can't wait for your reaction, guys. I really hope y'all like it.

And because I can't put pictures in the notes, I will start F1-horse-lingo-Wiki-time here:

**Ferrari 488 Pista (Rey's car)**

The Ferrari 488 (Type F142M) is a mid-engine sports car produced by the Italian automobile manufacturer Ferrari. The car replaced the 458, being the first mid-engined Ferrari to use a turbocharged V8 since the F40.

The car is powered by a 3.9-litre twin-turbocharged V8 engine, smaller in displacement but generating a higher power output than the 458's naturally aspirated engine. The 488 GTB was named "The Supercar of the Year 2015" by car magazine Top Gear, as well as becoming Motor Trend's 2017 "Best Driver's Car". Jeremy Clarkson announced the 488 Pista as his 2019 Supercar of the Year.

****

**The **Ferrari 812 Superfast (also known as F152M) Poe's car****

The Ferrari 812 Superfast (Type F152M) is a front mid-engine, rear-wheel-drive grand tourer produced by Italian sports car manufacturer Ferrari that made its debut at the 2017 Geneva Motor Show.

**Mercedes-AMG S 65 Cabriolet (Kylo's car)**

The Mercedes-Benz S-Class, formerly known as Sonderklasse (German for "special class", abbreviated as "S-Klasse"), is a series of full-size luxury sedans and limousines produced by the German automaker Mercedes-Benz, a division of German company Daimler AG. The S-Class designation for top-of-the-line Mercedes-Benz models was officially introduced in 1972 with the W116, and has remained in use ever since.

In 2016, the S-Class Cabriolet, internally named A217, was introduced with three variants: the S 550 Cabriolet, the Mercedes-AMG S 63 Cabriolet with 4Matic, and the Mercedes-AMG S 65 Cabriolet. Mercedes Benz stopped manufacturing the S Class Coupe and Cabriolet in 2020.

**The Chevrolet Camaro** is a mid-size American automobile manufactured by Chevrolet, classified as a pony car and some versions also as a muscle car. It went on sale on September 29, 1966, for the 1967 model year and was designed as a competing model to the Ford Mustang. The car shared its platform and major components with the Pontiac Firebird, also introduced for 1967.

Four distinct generations of the Camaro were developed before production ended in 2002. The nameplate was revived on a concept car that evolved into the fifth-generation Camaro; production started on March 16, 2009. Over 5 million Camaros have been sold. 

**[IT'S A FUCKING BUMBLEBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE]**

****

The **Ferrari 250 GTO** is a GT car produced by Ferrari from 1962 to 1964 for homologation into the FIA's Group 3 Grand Touring Carcategory. It was powered by Ferrari's Tipo 168/62 Colombo V12 engine.

The "250" in its name denotes the displacement in cubic centimeters of each of its cylinders; "GTO" stands for Gran Turismo Omologato, Italian for "Grand Touring Homologated."

In 2004, Sports Car International placed the 250 GTO eighth on a list of Top Sports Cars of the 1960s, and nominated it the top sports car of all time. Similarly, Motor Trend Classic placed the 250 GTO first on a list of the "Greatest Ferraris of All Time." Popular Mechanics named it the "Hottest Car of All Time."

The **Thoroughbred** is a horse breed best known for its use in horse racing. Although the word thoroughbred is sometimes used to refer to any breed of purebred horse, it technically refers only to the Thoroughbred breed. Thoroughbreds are considered "hot-blooded" horses that are known for their agility, speed, and spirit.

The Thoroughbred as it is known today was developed in 17th- and 18th-century England, when native mares were crossbred with imported Oriental stallions of Arabian, Barb, and Turkoman breeding. All modern Thoroughbreds can trace their pedigrees to three stallions originally imported into England in the 17th and 18th centuries, and to a larger number of foundation mares of mostly English breeding. During the 18th and 19th centuries, the Thoroughbred breed spread throughout the world; they were imported into North America starting in 1730 and into Australia, Europe, Japan and South America during the 19th century. Millions of Thoroughbreds exist today, and around 100,000 foals are registered each year worldwide.

The **Arabian** or **Arab horse** (Arabic: الحصان العربي‎ [ ħisˤaːn ʕarabiː], DMG ḥiṣān ʿarabī) is a breed of horse that originated on the Arabian Peninsula. With a distinctive head shape and high tail carriage, the Arabian is one of the most easily recognizable horse breeds in the world. It is also one of the oldest breeds, with archaeological evidence of horses in the Middle East that resemble modern Arabians dating back 4,500 years. Throughout history, Arabian horses have spread around the world by both war and trade, used to improve other breeds by adding speed, refinement, endurance, and strong bone. Today, Arabian bloodlines are found in almost every modern breed of riding horse. The Arabian is a versatile breed. Arabians dominate the discipline of endurance riding, and compete today in many other fields of equestrian sport.

 **Skowronek** (a name meaning lark or skylark in Polish) was an Arabian stallion foaled in 1908 or 1909. He was bred by Count Józef Potocki who owned the Antoniny Stud in Poland. He was imported to England as a young horse. Upon purchase by Lady Wentworth, Skowronek became a foundation stallion at Lady Wentworth's Crabbet Arabian Stud. He was most often crossed on mares who were daughters or granddaughters of the stallion Mesaoud, another foundation stallion for Crabbet, who had been bred by Ali Pasha Sherifand imported from Egypt to England by Lady Wentworth's parents, Wilfrid and Lady Anne Blunt.

Skowronek was a gray stallion, on the small side, noted for his outstanding Arabian type, particularly his fine head and overall correct conformation. Lady Wentworth preferred to breed taller Arabians, but also wanted to preserve Arabian type and beauty, and Skowronek helped her accomplish this goal.

**World Rally Championship** – ‘The World Rally Championship (WRC) is a rallying series organised by the FIA, culminating with a champion driver, co-driver and manufacturer. The driver's world championship and manufacturer's world championship are separate championships, but based on the same point system. The series currently consists of 14 three-day events driven on surfaces ranging from gravel and tarmac to snow and ice. Each rally is usually split into 15–25 special stages which are run against the clock on closed roads.’

**Formula Medicine** \- ‘Formula Medicine is a Sports Medicine Centre based in Viareggio (Italy), equipped with a multidisciplinary staff, offering medical assistance and training programmes, both physical and mental. In addition to advanced training programmes at its headquarters, Formula Medicine also has a travelling Task Force, made up of around 40 specialists, able to offer assistance on all 5 continents.’

**Wingwoman** – wingman – it’s a term usually used for a second driver, who works like to help the first driver, by giving him their position. Rubens Barichello was considered a “wingman” for Michael Schumacher and now, often very rudely, Valtteri Bottas for Lewis Hamilton.

**Tifosi** – ‘is a group of supporters of a sports team, especially those that make up a tifo.

It has become common to use the word Tifosi to refer to the supporters of Scuderia Ferrari in Formula One. Italian motor racing fans are well known for their love of Ferrari.’

[n Italian, tifosi literally means 'those infected by typhus', in the sense of someone acting in a fevered manner.]

LMFAOOOOOOOO

**Peugeot** \- French automotive manufacturer.

**Sunday roast** – ‘is a traditional British main meal that is typically served on Sunday (hence the name), consisting of roasted meat, roast potatoes, or mashed potatoes, and accompaniments such as Yorkshire Pudding, stuffing, gravy and mint sauce. Vegetables such as cauliflower often in the form of cauliflower cheese, roast parsnips, Brussels sprouts (typically termed brussel sprouts), peas, carrots, runner beans, and broccoli, can be part of the dish. The Sunday Roast is also popular in many parts of Ireland, especially in most of Ulster (chiefly in Northern Ireland and County Donegal)’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any questions, feel free to ask. I will always try to answer :)
> 
> If you want to follow me on tumblr or insta:  
> Tumblr: redbullmocktails.tumblr.com  
> Instagram: instagram.com/agprosinska/
> 
> I want to thank you all for reading, liking and commenting - it means THE WORLD to me. I hope you all are healthy and safe, you stay home, if you can't you try to follow the saftey rules and all. I give you all a massive, big hug. 
> 
> See you next chapter!


	14. Chapter 13: Homecoming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hmmm, hi?
> 
> Okay, so guys, I wasn’t murdered, I’m relatively healthy (I guess?) and I’m back with a new chapter? I know that probably most of you don’t read my notes before, but before you will read a new chapter, I want to talk about some things.
> 
> Firstly, I’m really really sorry for just vanishing for whole month. Some of you even wrote to me and I was really touched by it, really. The last month was hard, university was killing me, online learning sucks. I had no good mindset for writing and I focused on editing one of my original works as a break from this fanfic. I tried to write and edit two works at once, but I didn’t manage it very well, so I decided to dedicate my free time to finishing one project. 
> 
> I really feel sorry for that. And I want to say thank you to everyone who really checked if I updated the story and wrote to me, asking me how I felt, asking me to not abandon this story. I don’t know what have I done to deserve such lovely readers. You made me smile so wide! It means so much to me, the world, that you all care. Now, as uni is finishing, and I finished editing my book, I hope to post regularly. 
> 
> (check notes for the rest, sorry)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> However, from 1st July I’m starting a month internship at the publishing house and I’m not sure how my time management will look like. So, I’m really sorry in advance – if I won’t post regularly, I’m probably head over ears with work. 
> 
> That’s why I was thinking that if you want to have some updates of eventual updates you can always message me via Tumblr or Instagram? I check them every day and I really don’t want anyone to think I’m abandoning my story or if something bad happened. I'm also thinking about posting some snippets? You can tell me what you think about it.
> 
> Secondly, let’s take a moment tfor #blacklivesmatter and Pride Month. I’m absolutely outraged at what is happening right now and I will continue to educate myself, listen to others and try to help, and respect others. Discrimination and racism have no place in our society and our responsibility is to become better people and hold accountable others for what they did and correct them. I’m a white person and I know my main responsibility is to educate myself and even acting on small scale by talking to members of my family or society is a change. However, as a demisexual woman in lesbian relationship I can talk about what is happening in Poland right now. 
> 
> LGBTQ+ community in Poland suffers from homophobia and transphobia fueled by politicians, religious and secular leaders. We are called “an ideology”, “rainbow plague”. There are “LGBT free zones”. A year ago, there was even a pride march in Białystok, a city where I study at the university, that ended in people throwing bricks, burning pride flags and police did hardly anything, more, later Catholic Church leaders here even praised police for their lack of action. My friend got pee spilled all over her, many people was beaten up and now I see my own country becoming a homophobic, transphobic, pseudo-catholic state and yes, I’m scared, I’m scared for my own life and future. 
> 
> I know that we all think and what will change if I speak up? It can change a lot. I believe we can change the world, but we need to unity and learn from history and mistakes. Only way to fight with racists, Nazis, rapists, pedophiles is showing them there’s no acceptance of their behaviour and they will be held accountable for their actions. 
> 
> I’m posting here a link to petitions. If you have any more petitions, want to tell me what is happening in your country, want to give book recommendations about racism and homophobia, comment. I thank you very much – if you are reading these words I can only say thank you for listening to me. 
> 
> https://www.change.org/t/black-lives-matter-en-us  
> https://blacklivesmatter.com/petitions/  
> https://allout.org/en/campaigns  
> https://action.allout.org/en/a/poland/  
> https://www.change.org/p/mateusz-morawiecki-pass-laws-that-would-protect-lgbt-people-in-poland-and-abolish-current-anti-lgbt-laws?utm_content=cl_sharecopy_22742475_en-US%3Av8&recruiter=277267641&recruited_by_id=cbc37710-e2cf-11e4-b64f-1f20ac53a510&utm_source=share_petition&utm_medium=copylink&utm_campaign=psf_combo_share_initial&utm_term=3b7bd6a24b154318a8660d7e3f5d268e
> 
> Okay, so on a lighter note, I want (as always) thank my beta reader, Dot, for correcting this chapter. She’s exceptional and she does amazing job, even though I usually make whale noises seeing my stupid mistakes after her corrections. Thank you so much, Dot! I appreciate your input so much!
> 
> I want also share the second video for “driven” made by my beautiful gf and amor de mi vida <3 She’s the very reason why I’m writing this fanfic and please, show her some love, because god – I love this video so much and totally worth the wait <3 She’s so talented and she doesn’t believe me, so let’s show her she is!
> 
> [btw she made edit for her chapter – and I love it!]
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0JchcXdyDj0&feature=youtu.be
> 
> You can watch her first video for “driven” here:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4T816WuZVvw
> 
> I love you, Lizzy!
> 
> For this chapter, I mainly listened to these songs:  
> 1\. Dario Marianelli – Awaken  
> 2\. Kimbra – Everybody Knows  
> 3\. Dua Lipa – Break My Heart  
> 4\. Sting – Fortress Around Your Heart
> 
> So, I hope you will enjoy the new chapter!

> There was a house we all had in common and it was called the past, even though we'd lived in different rooms.
> 
> ― Angela Carter, _Wise Children_

Kylo have never thought he would ever come back. Not under this circumstances. Definitely it was the last thing he expected even from himself.

It wasn’t the parable of the prodigal son returning home. To them, he had always been a Judas, long before he actually became one.

What people say? Desperate times require desperate measures?

But there was any measure to measure the insanity of what he was doing now?

[Oxhead, Oxfordshire.] 

He has never forget the way back home.

If he could ever call Luke Skywalker’s home his home.

Nothing has changed; the tree-lined country avenue, same oaks, beeches, elms, field maples. Skywalker’s estate seemed to be an isolated entity than just a piece of land located somewhere among hills and woodlands.

Kylo couldn’t refrain, but to think of long-forgotten homeland of his; the vastness, scorched land of the rocky desert, red line of mountains and the silence. However, Texan landscape had been fading in contrast to the awakening that came with English spring.

Texas he recalled was painted with his dreams and flawed memories.

United Kingdom - whether he liked it or not – was now his adopted country.

Yeah, country that, as same as his family, threw him away.

Three weeks.

Kylo felt the eyes of Snoke on himself; that silence that came after Bahrain started to be deafening. He knew during that night, Saturday night, when Rey looked at him, when she called him Ben –

He didn’t break her.

She broke _him._

He claimed he is an honest man, but the truth was he was scared to admit one of the deepest-buried truths.

Kylo was scared to come back. To come to the place he used to call home. To that place where he stopped being Ben Solo for good. But also, he knew that if he won’t do anything, Rey won’t do anything either.

Deadlock. It was always that. Impasse. Stalemate.

Just a motherfuckin’ dead end.

Kylo would be no more than just a dead man because of that. And he had everything to lose: his life as a driver, his career and most of all, his dignity.

_Rey exposed him._

Kylo could wait and he did. He was a honest man, he liked to repeat he doesn’t lie, but it was one of the biggest lies. Yes, he waited to give her time, for Rey to make any move, like she did in Bahrain, he was telling himself. Someone had to break that radio silence.

He knew how uneasy it had to be for her – but for him, it was whole another level.

The game he played with her, with Skywalkers, with Snoke.

And mostly, with himself.

[Ben]

How could he know that Rey, his lovely cunty-half-brother fuckin’ Dameron, uncle and mother would be at Oxhead? Because Kylo knew that they would never change their fuckin’ tradition.

It was after all, Skywalker Sundays. Oh, hallelujah, ameno, dorime – Holy Sunday.

He could feel the bile in his mouth by only thinking about this. One thought that he would have to face his family, not even his half-brother, batshit wacky uncle didn’t make him anxious.

The thought of facing his mother and Rey did.

Brackley wasn’t so far away from Oxhead. 30 minutes. Only 30 minutes, but it felt like an impassable land he avoided for last 8 years. Kylo spend more than 30 minutes feeling the heaves; the bile rising in his throat, but he couldn’t just vomit his anxiety out (oh but he wished he could). The thought of coming back there – to that place, from where, 8 years ago he escaped into the dark night - seemed so irrationally scary.

He could drive with the speed of almost 350 km per hour. Kylo had seen some batshit crazy races, he was the one competing in these batshit crazy races. Nothing could compare to driving in the rain, in the water spray in Interlagos, really it was breathtaking to drive flat-out in Eau Rouge, to take Parabolica or missing the Wall of Champions just by inches. Adrenaline was like a drug, winning was like a drug and Kylo was an addict.

However, anxiety was killing you inside.

But he had to come back. He had to do something and primarily, he couldn’t just sabotage himself. And after his Bahrain stunts with roses and all that sweet talk, and mostly with Rey breaking him, not _him_ breaking _her_ –

He won’t discredit her if he won’t follow the plan.

If he had any.

It seemed like a chaos. A big piece of shitty ideas. God, he only had shitty ideas.

Make Skywalkers trust you again. Make Rey trust you.

Then discredit them. Make them pay for what they have done to you – and if anything, make Rey really realize they ain’t fucking saints and join you at Mercedes. 

So easy. Really so easy. Easy peasy fuckin’ lemon squeezy. When life gives you lemons, just squeeze them into your enemies eyes.

However, even driving in his Mercedes (absolutely amazing model, AMG S 65, V12 biturbo engine, b-e-a-u-t-y) didn’t make Kylo feel better at all; and he usually enjoyed driving, like, he was a racing driver. Of course, road cars generated different kind of downforce than F1 cars: in F1 cars the aerodynamics was so complex that even the smallest damage of the car’s body could slow you down or even end your race long before chequered flag – and the faster you drove, the more “grounded” you were to the ground. Road cars never felt the same, but the quiet murmur of the V12 beast under him should usually put Kylo at ease.

It’s been the last days of April; the sun was completely hidden behind the thick wall of white clouds. Although it seemed it should be warm, Kylo, even dressed in his leather jacket felt the coldness, especially that he somehow thought it would be a good idea to drive with open top of his car. His anxiety rose, when he came closer and closer to the Oxhead, seeing the trackless wilderness of estate transform into more civilized precincts of his uncle’s mansion. The scent of blooming trees was overwhelming; Kylo even slowed down to just look at the beauty of his surroundings, to stare at the cows and horses grazing in the milkweed-colored fields. Everything was dimmed and flirted by the dark glass of his sunglasses.

Finally, he saw the familiar walls, not yet eaten by blooming virgina creeper: the naked bines scrapped over the black windows of old manor; Kylo felt more and more like he is approaching a haunted house.

Somehow, it was a haunted house. The horror of his life. And he was now –

He was now going to face it.

The tyres crushed stones in the driveway. Kylo clenched his jaw as well as fingers on the steering wheel.He didn’t have to look anywhere for Rey and Skywalkers.

They were all here.

Like they were waiting for him.

He parked the car behind a silver Ferrari and cut the engine.

Then he took off his sunglasses and looked at her.

Rey, stared at him, completely dazed with Chewbacca in her arms. Even the dog (oh god, he needed a haircut, did his uncle never took him to the dog groomer?) moved his head to look at him. Standing still like a photograph, still holding that ridiculously big dog in her arms. Kylo was actually struck for a minute with how _terrible_ Rey looked; her usually slightly tanned face looked paler, almost gray. The short hair was weirdly lifeless and eyes empty.

[you’ve done this]

The bile of acid guilt started to eat away at his throat.

He looked away.

He unceremoniously got off the car, smashing the door behind.

Everyone watched him, they watched him. Intently, steadily. Uncle’s face was a dead mask, Dameron stared at him in disbelief, but this feeling was fading, shifting to rage.

Kylo saw his mother grabbing uncle’s shoulder.

The silence was louder than screams. Than a thunder. Silence was heavier than a sky.

The calm, lull before the storm.

[he could only compare it to that last moments before the race, when he knew that the clock was coming closer to 2:10 pm. 20 cars on the grid, revving their engines, roaring beasts, people holding their breath –

Kylo stood still, feeling his heart beating faster and faster, and faster, and faster –

‘Good morning’ he said quietly.

His voice echoed; the silence seemed to instantly absorb his words, that he even started to wonder if he ever spoke them out loud.

But he did.

He could see his mother’s face go pale, more – Dameron taking a deep breath.

‘Go awa-‘

‘NO!’

Unatural voice broke the silence like a punch, like a bullet breaking the glass. The barking; Kylo saw a figure coming between him and Dameron.

‘What are you doing, for God’s sake, Rey?!’ he yelled.

Chewbacca didn’t stop barking, his mother covered her lips with her hand; uncle closed his eyes.

And Kylo – he couldn’t breathe.

Dameron moved again, but Rey mirrored him, like a reflection, like a shadow.

‘No’ he heard her. ‘I know… what you want, Poe, but –‘

She turned to him.

For a moment, Kylo was lost in her eyes. There was no anger in them: just exhaustion.

‘I’ve… I invited him’ she mumbled. ‘He’s… my guest.’

*******

Rey made a lot of mistakes in her life. She calculated wrongly the space between her and her rival and crashed into him. Not once. Drivers always made mistakes, it was part of their job after all. Her team chose a bad strategy for the race. She ate too much ice cream and she realised that somehow when you drink cappuccino and after that chamomile tea you end up with a damn diarrhea.

But she never thought –

She regretted everything.

Rey really had no idea what to do. Why she did even say that? Probably because she liked to suffer and somehow – and she had no idea why – Kylo came to Oxhead.

It was crazy.

And more, she had no idea why she said she was the one that invited him.

The unspoken question gelled the air and made it unbreathable; she could feel the tension rising higher and higher; the only feeling that could compare to it was those last seconds before the race. But now, it lacked the excitation, just caused more and more anxiety.

Each of them was a dynamite ready to explode. They only needed a tiny spark.

The look Poe gave Rey made her feel like she was dirty. Like he knew. Like he knew what really happened and he judged her. Sinner, it is she was.

‘You invited him?’ Poe grabbed her by her arm.

‘I did’ she hissed.

Poe let her go; he watched her in rising disbelief.

Rey took a deep breath.

‘Can we just… try to act civilised?’ she asked. ‘Please.’

Kylo said he would ever came only if she agreed to accompany him to his social media appearances. And now he came here – willingly?

She sensed a plot. It was after all, Kylo Ren style. But also -

Kylo Ren would never come back.

‘Don’t be so harsh on her.’

They all focused their gazes on Ren.

‘She knows why I’m here’ he continued, voice low, tone serious.

‘Why would we believe you?’ asked Poe.

Kylo took a deep breath.

‘Rey will tell you the truth. That Snoke wants to discredit all of you’ he said. ‘I do what I must.’

‘And define what you are doing.’

Uncle Luke’s voice was colder than ice. He stepped forward, putting Leia behind him.

‘You… come back here… after 8 years. After…’ Luke’s voice broke. Rey gulped. ‘You cannot expect from us to just… accept you here. When we don’t know –‘

‘I know.’

Kylo stepped forward.

‘I know this’ he said. ‘I know this perfectly well. And if you think I don’t hate… to come back here… you’re so mistaken, uncle.’

‘But I have no choice. My boss definitely hates you all more than I do… and if he does, at least I want to clear with my actions.’

Poe hissed.

‘Amazing. You coming back here and saying you hate us.’

Kylo looked at Rey; she clenched hands into fists.

‘Maybe we should listen’ she said. ‘If it’s about us, Poe.’

Her gaze locked with Leia’s. Her aunt was silent, too silent.

‘Why didn’t you tell us then’ asked Poe. ‘If you talked with him?’

Rey stood still, watching Kylo with the corner of her eye.

He rose one of his eyebrows, slightly.

‘I had no idea if he would even want… to come back here’ she said.

Luke sighed deeply.

‘We talked about this, Rey and you knew –'

‘Uncle, you know that aunt misses Kylo and I… I just had enough. I think we should… just let the past die’ she said. ‘And we were… apart for too long and… the past is past. We aren’t… children anymore. We are all adults, but the past…’

 _The past is killing us all_ , she thought _. And we let it do so._

Rey couldn’t bring herself to say that at loud.

She looked at Poe, Luke and at the end, at Leia.

‘She’s right, you know it.’

Kylo came closer her; the known scent of his skin, soap and now leather, surrounded her.

‘I had the hard time… thinking about what happened… 8 years ago’ he said. ‘But it’s the past. We are adults now. I’ve changed. ‘

Poe laughed.

‘Oh, changed? Changed, yeah, changed my ass.’

‘Poe’ said Rey.

‘You knew it, sis. And I apologised. And I apologized and you talked behind our backs –‘

‘When you will fuckin’ understand that Snoke wants to discredit her!’ he snarled. ‘Like all of you! He told me to seduce her and I could secure the seat for next season. I also have nothing, but this truth so really, it’s a fucking Charybdis and Scylla situation, man!’

Rey took a deep breath, feeling red flushing her cheeks.

‘Rey knew that’ Kylo added, in calmer tone. ‘We talked about this… in Bahrain. I said we could find a way out, because I really don’t want to destroy her career –‘

‘You don’t want to? And what have you done –'

‘If I wanted to destroy her career I could put to the papers that she slashed my face!’ Kylo yelled. ‘I could expose all of you that I ran away from home. But I didn’t. I stayed silent. Because I want to fix what is broken! And I’m not the only one, Rey wants that too!

And after that, Ren took a deep breath.

‘She wants it too’ he whispered.

Rey blinked, feeling her lips tremble.

She wished she could believe him, but still –

Part of her already believed him, that yes, Ben came back.

Other part of her was scared, because it seemed like another… trap.

Her and Kylo’s eyes locked; Rey knew this brown-hazel hue of his irises, the curve of his eyelids, the shadows that were casted by long eyelashes. Kylo Ren could wear Ben’s face, but he wasn’t him – ever.

What are you planning, she asked. She sided with Ren now, but she trusted no word he spoke; to get the truth she would need to get him alone.

And it was impossible.

She really felt she wanted to vomit.

‘Stop it’ she heard.

Leia looked at them; there was certain power in her voice, only used to hush them now.

They all watched how she came closer and closer to Kylo, passing Poe and Rey. Nobody could stop her now and actually, didn’t have the courage to do so.

Maybe even Kylo himself.

Leia stopped in front of her son. The height difference between them should have been comical. However in this moment, Rey found it incongruously heartbreaking. The wind blew, bringing another wave of overwhelming scent of blooming trees; Rey brushed away hair from her face, watching as aunt Leia rose her hand towards her son’s face. For a moment she was sure he would back away – the flash of surprise and fear in his eyes was unmistakable, even if his face was the mask, Rey knew it had cracks – yet despite her feelings, Kylo leant hesitantly into her touch.

‘I’ve almost lost my hope you could ever come back’ she whispered, a tear falling down her cheek. ‘But you… did.’

Poe opened her mouth, but Rey looked at him warningly.

It was fascinating, heartbreaking, saddening in a way to see, to witness that moment; Rey knew that if she actually did one thing right, even if she did it with lies, with siding with someone she hated, she brought a bit of hope for Leia – in a way, she brought her son back.

Leia touched gently his scar, the scar that was a physical manifestation of the night from 8 years ago.

‘Welcome back, Ben’ she whispered.

*******

Oh fucking crap, damn, effing frigger, fuck, godamn hell holy shit horseshit, Jesus fucking Christ, shit, _shit –_

It was a bad idea, bad, bad idea. He really was bad at being bad, to be honest. It was easy to act coy and cold-hearted when you were away from your poisonous family; he had a good plan (nah he had none), but still –

Oh fucking crap, damn, effing frigger, fuck, godamn hell holy shit horseshit, Jesus fucking Christ, shit, _shit –_

This day was probably one of the worsts days in Kylo’s life. And that was goddamn impressive, because Kylo’s life had many days that could compete for the title of the worst day of his life.

However, by far, he was close to fucking vomiting into his plate.

The tension in the living room – because they still ate Sundays dinners there, why he was so surprised? – was so high that it made him feel dizzy. It was like a very bad, poorly done parody of the long-gone past; the Sunday dinner of Skywalkers. They all sat in the same spots, Luke at the top of the table, like a watchful all-father, Poe on his right, The Son and Holy Spirit , Saint Mary – Leia.

The worst thing was that yeah, he had a plan. Or whatever it was. A shitty idea, because he had to do something. He was confused to be honest about what he wanted to achieve: but, for sure, he achieved something: he destroyed, altered Skywalker’s domestic peace.

Kylo could tell Dameron was close to fuckin fight him and he wasn’t surprised. The feeling was mutual. Uncle Luke, well, he looked like he had an existential crisis and decided nihilism is the best way of dealing what was happening (and Kylo couldn’t agree more) and decided to ignore his existence, as the existence of everything else, expect for his food.

Rey did the same. The orange tulips stood in between her and him; but even above their petals, he could feel delicate brushes of her gaze, the gaze she immediately was drawing away when he tried to look at her.

‘It starts to get really awkward.’

‘Poe’ said Leia.

Dameron smashed his cutlery onto the plate.

‘It’s… crazy. Him here’ he shook his head. ‘And we let him. _Tia_ , why –‘

‘Poe!’

Kylo glared at him.

Uncle Luke also put away his cutlery.

‘I will be honest, I don’t like you coming here’ he said. ‘And I don’t like the fact that Rey didn’t tell me anything about it, when she really felt bad for the last weeks. Because of you.’

‘Uncle’ said Rey breathlessly. ‘That’s not the case-'

‘It is the case, Reymont’ Luke interrupted her.

Kylo bit inside of his cheek.

‘You didn’t change at all’ he whispered. ‘At all.’

‘Oh and you fucking did you fucking psych-‘

‘Of course I fucking did change!’ yelled Kylo. ‘You think it was easy to come here?! After all these years?!’

He also smashed knife and fork onto the plate. Chewbacca, who waited for food under the table came to get some pets.

They really didn’t know what to talk about – that silence was so bad, so awkward, so nauseous. After his mother teary homecoming, Kylo only started to feel worse: and even worse when Rey looked at him with her eyes and he once again felt that overwhelming, crushing feeling he used to feel when he was still one of the Skywalkers: venomous guilt, the gulp in his throat, the fact that, at some point, he really thought he is guilty: of his feelings for Rey, of the fact that maybe he does have some problems.

Kylo knew how they saw him. They painted his image in the darkest of the colors, not the true colors of who he really is, because the truth was they really didn’t want to get to know him. they chose the colors of his image and they expected him to act the way they wanted him to.

Only one who really knew him, whether he liked it or not, was always Rey.

His scar was burning. The touch of his mother, sitting just by him – and he still felt so distant.

‘I would like to… excuse myself.’

Rey’s voice was quiet, calm, tired.

Kylo looked as the girl stood up.

‘I don’t feel well and I would need some… fresh air’ she declared.

‘Rey, is it because of that fucki-‘

‘Stop, Poe’ Rey took a deep breath. ‘Maybe it’s not only about Kylo here, but mainly about you too’

Luke choked, Leia blinked and Kylo took a deep breath.

‘I’ll be with the horses’ Rey added. ‘Please, let me go.’

‘Yes, Rey’ Leia agreed. ‘Go.’

Kylo watched Rey as she left the room , before telling Chewbacca to stay. When he once again looked up, eyes of everyone was on him.

‘Is it really true?’ asked Luke. ‘About Snokovich?’

Kylo looked from ther corner of his eyes at his mother.

‘I think… yeah’ he whispered.

‘Ugh, god’ Poe stood up. ‘I wanna fuckin’ die here. I’m going too.’

‘Poe, there’s no need-‘

‘I need to go, sorry _tia_ ’ Dameron napped. ‘I’ll be in the garden.’

‘I’m going with him too’ added Luke. ‘I’m sorry, Leia… but if I stay, I’m going to say things –‘

 _You already did_ , thought Kylo.

‘Go’

Voice of his mother was so quiet. The smell of uneaten, untouched food filled his nostrils.

Chewbacca went with Luke and Dameron; his cunty half brother shot him a glare when he left.

There were only two people in the dining room now.

Kylo and his mother.

He looked at her, but at once had to look away.

He was an honest man, he liked to think about himself in that way at least. But he also lied. But lying to his mother –

He really didn’t like it.

‘Maybe that’s for a better’ he heard.

He looked at his mother.

‘I think… we should talk’ she said. ‘Just me… and you. Do you think… we can?’

Kylo took a deep breath.

‘Yeah’ he whispered. ‘I think… we can.’

*******

Strom was coming.

She wasn’t lying. She really needed fresh air.

Rey left the room, feeling the bile rising in her throat. Kylo was really here, he was really here. And Rey… she was once again running away.

She actually didn’t know what she is doing. She had to run away. She had to. The sky were dark grey and electrified, and the rain would come, soon, she could feel it under her skin and in the air.

The mud covered her wellingtons when she came into the stables. There was certain peace in that darkness and the presence of big, magnificent animals the horses were.

She took her helmet and a saddle. The black horse looked at her, dark-eyed, waiting,

‘Are you up for a ride, my dear?’ Rey asked.

*******

The house was dark, when he came up the stairs. It was surreal, even more surreal, the dream within the dream. The stairs, the house, the photographs on the walls – Kylo was once again in the part of the house that seemed –

‘Empty’ his mother said.

Kylo’s room didn’t change. If anything ever changed in his uncle’s house. The gloominess soaking through the curtains bathed the inside of the room in the shadows and darkness. There were new boxes – Kylo knew it was wishful thinking to hope that uncle wouldn’t put some shit in his room, but overall, his room really… didn’t change.

‘We didn’t… want to change… anything. I mean… it’s not technically your room, but –‘

‘It was’ whispered Kylo.

The air was dense with dust and the smell of just… some kind of loneliness. Maybe Germans had a word for that, maybe. They had words for that kind of feelings after all, a clusterfucks of long hybrid words.

Kylo saw the walls, covered in the posters of Galaxy Wars, Canadian Grand Prix 1998 (a classic race by now), the blueprints of Champ Car from CART FedEx era and the map of the Laguna Seca RaceWay.

His bed was empty, however he could remember how the mattress felt and the moment, when he started being too tall and his legs were sticking out of the bed. And his rising panic that none of the F1 drivers were as tall as him, so definitely his career will be over long before he would actually start being an F1 driver.

It seemed so empty. So soulless. Like the mausoleum of someone Kylo knew once, but now –

‘I always felt it was more your room that… room at our house… ever was’ he heard.

He couldn’t face his mother. Maybe she couldn’t too. So they had to talk to each other with their backs.

‘And you’re… right’ he said, voice hardly came out of his throat.

‘I know. You… didn’t spend much time… at home. But here… you did.’

‘It used to be my home’ Kylo agreed. ‘It used… to.’

His fingers brushed the Hot Wheels Ford Mustang model. The sound of old wheels scratched the silence.

‘why you always wanted me to come back?’ he said finally.

There was some sound, he didn’t turn back, he braced himself.

‘We were scared, Ben.’

‘Everyone’s scared’ he replied. ‘But we were children and you knew perfectly well… I would never hurt her.’

‘I know.’

Kylo turned to his mother.

Her face was the mirror of his; he could see the same weariness, the years left their mark on her, his face. He really actually didn’t want to see her; not after all these years, when he was forced to flee from the family. He didn’t want to feel more pain, but that unspoken question why they just _le(f)t him –_

‘I think… you got it… after me. After Han. Luke’ she said. ‘We are drivers. Our work is to always push the limit. We push ourselves to the limit, the cars… but also we push everything to the limit.’

‘I think… it’s what happened with us’ she said. ‘We pushed each other to the limit.’

She came to him, slowly. He stood still.

‘You have made your choices. When you left… 8 years ago and I had… definitely too much time… to think about it.’

‘When I close my eyes… for many years… I was mad… at everyone. I was mad… yes, I was mad at you, I was mad at Rey, Poe, Luke, your father, god, I wanted to murder that Russian devil’ she said. ‘But the time passed and with time… I realized…’

Kylo’s eye twitched.

‘We were so focused on our… image and we… didn’t see how wrong we are. Luke and Poe, still don’t see that, but me… and Rey do’ her eyes were full of tears. ‘But even then, when I hoped you would come back, I just wanted things to be normal. And there’s no normal, Ben. There’s… no normal!’

She shook her head.

‘I’ve spent your whole childhood… as a team principal. You lived… with Luke. You trained with him and Rey, and Poe. I thought that keeping you away from that god forsaken… F1 paddock would do you good. That you would… be normal. That I would give you at least a bit of ordinary, normal… childhood.’

‘But it didn’t. I… mean… Kes… died and Poe ended alone. We had no choice and he used to be my close friend, so of course… we took him in. Luke… adopted Rey and… I understand… why you felt… alone. Pushed… aback.’

‘It… wasn’t entirely… that.’

Kylo spoke; his voice oddly soundless in the gloomy room.

He put the hot wheel on the bedside table.

[make skywalkers trust you]

[discredit them]

(but could Kylo lie to his mother?)

‘I wanted to be myself’ he confessed. ‘I wanted you, father… uncle… to see _me_. You’re your expectations.’

‘Uncle… was my hero. World champion, you… you were the coolest mother anybody could have. But… despite all of my doing… it wasn’t enough for you.’

He took a step back.

‘Maybe I lacked the talent… Poe had’ he said. ‘The talent… Rey has. But I had no chance to even… prove –‘

‘You would have to starve yourself, Ben’ his mother replied. ‘Even now… you are so skinny –'

[Ben, said Rey, touching his face, eyes glistening with tears of hope]

‘I’m a driver, mother’ he stressed. ‘It’s all I have now. I have … nothing, but… only this.’

[‘I’m so lonely it’s _killing me_ -‘

[he was also lonely.]

‘You left me no choice’ Kylo added. ‘You told me I could come back… but I had enough of these lies. I had enough of trying to meet your… unreachable expectations. You didn’t see me as my own person. You’ve seen me as… a legacy.’

His mother pale, gulped.

‘And what are you doing now? he asked. ‘You don’t see what is happening to Rey? Uncle could adopt her, but she had been fucking workin’ her ass off since she was 5. You never gave her a break and at this point she’s too scared to say anything. You were so focused on getting a first female Ferrari driver on your team you forget… she’s a person.’

[Desperate… hopeless, a caged animal, a _trophy daughter –_

Leia’s face was so tense, Kylo took a deep breath.

‘I can’t say… what Rey really feels, because… I pushed her too much… her, I, eh’ he lost track of what he was saying. ‘But I can speak for myself. I left, because.. I had no choice. I wanted… to save myself.’

‘I can’t be blameless though. Rey… had all the rights to hate me’ Kylo added. ‘I… laughed, maybe I bullied her, but also I knew if I could… show my true feelings… she wouldn’t ever feel the same and I wanted her attention.’

‘And she always chose him, not me. It’s not right what I had been doing, but I didn’t know what to do. And when… I realized my mistake…’

The sound of rain hitting the roof made him feel silent; Kylo blinked; he had tears in his eyes.

He could feel his mother’s fingers interlocking with his.

‘I wish your father were here, not me’ she whispered. ‘Maybe… he would be a better person to talk to you.’

[it’s been 8 years and he still couldn’t visit his grave]

‘You know that it’s not possible’ Kylo replied dryly.

Her eyes fell on his scar.

‘Did it hurt?’ she asked.

[the pain, the night]

[Rey’s eyes when she realized what she had done – the soft sound of the grill stick falling onto the grass]

‘I don’t remember’ he muttered. ‘Everything… hurt.’

‘You… never told anyone Rey did… it.’

Kylo shook his head.

‘But Snoke… knows.’

His mother watched him carefully.

Kylo recalled the years, when her hair was still brown and skin softer. He really saw her for the first time in years: didn’t look away. The years took their toll not only on their bodies, souls, but mainly – eyes.

‘I was a bad mother, Ben’ she whispered. ‘Even now… I don’t feel like one.’

The tear started falling down her cheek.

‘I’m so sorry –‘

‘I-‘ Kylo breathed. ‘M-mom.’

He heard as she takes a shaky breath.

This three words he wanted to hear, all these years.

He really knew his mother regrets. And he couldn’t stop thinking “what if” – what if he came sooner. What if he never ran away, _but also –_

‘No, no, Ben, Ben- she breathed. ‘I mean, I… You had made your choices. You decided to save yourself, to cut us off. And you had the right to do it. When you left… 8 years ago and I had… definitely too much time… to think about it.’

‘I failed as a mother. I shouldn’t ever… leave you for so long. And maybe… well, for sure… there’s so much truth in your opinion. About you. And Rey… Poe’ she added. ‘When Luke retired… I thought… I could do some good in F1 and being a team principal… was an amazing job.’

‘But by doing so… I failed as a mother. I won’t question Luke’s parenting, because I’m not the person in position to question it, when everything I did is questionable. Luke and Poe… they are hurt. They were scared and we… misread the whole situation. We were so scared and when we were… faced with the truth… we didn’t think… clear. We overreacted. And the truth was…’

‘Family was falling apart already’ he whispered.

His mother nodded.

They held their hands – her hands almost disappeared in his.

Kylo gulped. The sound of rain was constant and rhythmic, hypnotizing.

‘I knew you acted… differently. If Snoke forced you to, that’s a no end situation. I actually don’t blame you if you hate… us now’ she said. ‘But it doesn’t change that you and Rey… had the courage to act. And talk.’

She looked at him.

‘Maybe… it’s the time… that we actually all deserved this’ she said. ‘If Snoke wants to discredit us. Maybe it’s the way to start anew. We built everything, we were so protective of each other… because we are family, but at some point I don’t see the difference between lies and the truth and you made me realize… that.’

She blinked, more tears marked the wet corridors on her cheeks.

‘He forced you to apologize to Rey, right?’

Kylo was silent.

Did Snoke force him?

Did Snoke force him to come here?

‘At this point… I no longer know’ Kylo replied.

He really had no idea. That was one bitch of clusterfucking situation when he once again was sabotaging himself and wasn’t sure if he wants so much to take revenge.

‘I only know that… if I don’t do what he wants… I will have no drive for the next season… and my career will be over.’

His mother stared at him. The unspoken words drifted between them, Kylo felt he’s being torn apart. He was so honest with her that it actually hurt him.

It was the worst, actually. That he was so honest. And he could lie, but he always chose not to.

Her thumb brushed his hand.

‘I now see the truth, Ben’ she whispered. ‘It wasn’t your fault. It never was. We wanted to bury the truth, but the truth haunts us all. I see it in Rey’s eyes, she smiles… but she’s not happy.’

[I don’t hate you… I hate myself]

Rey’s voice echoed in his mind.

‘Neither am I. I’m not… happy. Because I realized… my ambitions… destroyed not one, but… two lives’ she muttered. ‘I’ve broken two hearts.’

She squeezed his hands.

‘Yours… and Rey’s’ she laughed. ‘I was so scared what people would think you two fell for each other… that I preferred to destroy you both.’

Kylo gazed at her in the purest gaze of astonishment. He wasn’t really sure what he’s feeling at this moment: all the years, he dreamt of… hearing that one thing.

He knew he should hate them. But he was honest.

He was now more… lost than ever.

He spent years on building the fortress around the ruins of his heart and soul, to not let them back in, but one glance of Rey’s, three words from his mother –

And in this moment, he felt more like Ben Solo than Kylo Ren.

The wind hit the window, opening it.

‘Jesus Christ’ Kylo tried to close it. It wasn’t raining cats and dogs, but probably the whole animal farm. The rain was so heavy and wild it took him a while to actually get a hold of the window frame and –

There was a horse.

In a drive way.

‘Is that… Prince?’ he asked, recognizing the black mount. He used to ride him few years back, after all.

He felt his mother making her way onto the window.

‘Yes, that’s Prince’ she replied, confused. ‘But why –'

Kylo looked at her.

‘He still has a saddle on.’

His mother blinked; he could tell she was thinking.

They closed the window and Kylo ran down the stairs. There he almost bumped onto Dameron and Luke.

‘Have you seen Rey?’ Poe asked. ‘I have her phone here, but we’ve looked for her with tio here, there and everywhere and she’s nowhere to be found.’

‘There’s Prince in the driveway’ Leia said out of breath. ‘With a saddle.’

Kylo looked at unlce , at Dameron.

Uncle swore under his breath.

‘She… couldn’t do it, god, Rey!’ he hissed. ‘It’s fucking rainstorm outside!’

‘Something had to happen’ Kylo said. ‘horse came back. She had… ridden it and what if she –'

‘Don’t even fucking say that out loud, Ren!’ Dameron yelled.

‘Fucking calm ya balls, Dameron!’ Kylo was furious. No, he was scared. He was terrified.

‘Language!’

They all looked upon the ceiling; the rain intensified. Chewbacca started braking: there was a loud, hollow sound of the lighting. Luke swore once again.

‘She’s probably out there. And we don’t know what happened’ Kylo said. ‘We can’t leave her there. What if something happened –

‘God, no!’

Dameron growled.

‘I just think it’s very fucking suspicious of you –‘

‘Calm down boys!’ Leia yelled. ‘And you too, Luke. You’re a godamn disgrace. Rey is somewhere there and you all are argueing like little babies!’

‘You’ she pointed at Poe. ‘You will calm down. We gonna find her. She shouldn’t be that away from the house. And you –'

Kylo held his breath.

‘Get on the horse. Now.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, yeah, please don’t kill me. But you know me at this point. You know that I eat drama for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I flex drama muscles all the time. There is always drama. My second name is drama. Drama, drama, drama. 
> 
> *evil laugh*
> 
> I really hope you enjoyed this chapter! I was nervous with Leia-Ben talk because I feel TROS didn’t give us a proper Leia-Ben talk so I wanted to do it right. Like with perfect emotional punch. I really hope you liked it! And the ending? Ha! I’m so excited for the next chapter ;)
> 
> F1- lingo-Wiki-time (not so much but still):
> 
> Wall of Champions – the last corner at Circuit Gilles Villeneuve (turn 13) is a tricky chicane which leads on to the start-finish straight. It has become known as the Wall of Champions due to the number of F1 greats it has caught out over the years.
> 
> CART FedEx Championship Series (1997–2000) – Champ Car was the name for a class and specification of open wheel cars used in American Championship car racing for many decades, associated primarily with the Indianapolis 500. Such racing was sanctioned by the AAA, USAC, SCCA, the CRL, CART, and IndyCar.
> 
> In its most popular and recent contemporary usage, "Champ Car" was the name given to a governing body formerly known as Championship Auto Racing Teams, or CART. The CART series was founded in 1979 by team owners who disagreed with the direction and leadership of USAC. At the height of the popularity of the series in the late 1980s and early 1990s, it was known as the CART/PPG Indy Car World Series. The term "Champ Car" temporarily disappeared from use, with the more marketable term "Indy Car" being utilized.
> 
> Laguna Seca Raceway (branded as WeatherTech Raceway Laguna Seca, and previously Mazda Raceway Laguna Seca) – a paved road racing track in central California used for both auto racing and motorcycle racing, built in 1957 near both Salinas and Monterey, California, United States.
> 
> For my lovely readers who are interested, Formula E posted their documentary “And We Go Green” on their YouTube page. I think subtitles are available, as I checked and there’s English, Spanish (and also Latin America Spanish), Portuguese, French, German and Italian. I really recommend watching it, because it’s so well done and shows the backstage of really amazing series (look I love F1, but Formula E is the future). I also cannot believe I really won DS Techeetah's Jean-Eric Vergne signed canvas - having an autograph of two time FE champion is a dream come true.
> 
> Link to the movie: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BmKqc_7WUTQ
> 
> So guys, I really hope you enjoyed this chapter and I hope everyone is doing fine. Take care of yourselves! Love ya!


	15. Chapter 14: Old Flame

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, without beating around the bush: 
> 
> I want to thank my beta reader, lovely Dot, who corrected this chapter. Your work is worth its weight in gold and I’m so honoured to have you work on this fic – really thank You!
> 
> I want (as always) thank my beautiful girlfriend, because without her we wouldn’t be here reading this words. She’s the one who requested this fic and it was a challenge and I’m doing what I can to make her happy. I love you, Lizzy.
> 
> You can always watch her videos she made for this fanfic here:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4T816WuZVvw  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0JchcXdyDj0&feature=youtu.be
> 
> She also made edit for this chapter and I think it perfectly VIBES with the mood of this episode (look I'm old i'm tryin to catch up with the new slang)
> 
> So, my dear lovely readers: 
> 
> Nothing will prepare you for what’s coming. 
> 
> Be my guest.

> The world exists only as a medium in which we execute our desires. Physically, the world itself, the actual world - the real world, if you like - is formed of malleable clay; its metaphysical structures is just as malleable.
> 
> ― Angela Carter, _The Infernal Desire Machines of Doctor Hoffman_

The storm was coming. The first storm of the spring that electrified the air with her every breath, making the strands of her short hair stand and forming gooseflesh on her skin. She could feel it, the oneness with the nature, the very mirror to how she felt. The storm was now a part of her, a part she desperately wanted to ignore for so long, a part she wanted to fight and now she only could flee.

It was not a usual storm; it was the tempest. The tempest that came directly from the nethermost depths, abysm , limbo of her heart. Rey wasn’t a person anymore: she was the mirror, the nature inside her wanted to untether itself – she was not sure if she did not want it herself.

To break free. To feel finally like she really belonged to herself.

The lull, the quietness. The darkness was everywhere, it seemed to emerge from the every nook, sliver, half-shadow and shadow, engulfing it in the calm yet perilous shroud. The skies were grayer now, even grayer than in the morning, when she went for a run. The whispers of the wind echoed in her mind: Rey felt she is being watched, when she cantered on her horse through the fields. She had to get as further as she could, away, away from the house, from Poe, aunt Leia, Luke and mostly –

Kylo.

Ben?

She didn’t know whom she was seeing now. The face of Ben she knew, the face of Kylo she scarred, it flickered at the speed of her heartbeat; merging, fusing in the constant inconstancy of alterations, yet it still stayed the same, different, no-different. Rey saw him as a series of marvellous , deformed shapes, colours, blazing and faded, formed at random, on purpose, in the mesmerising kaleidoscope of her heart desire.

The truth was, she missed him. She missed Ben. Her Ben. And for the last years she could acknowledge Ben Solo is gone. The logic was simple; the logic was absolute. Being an aggressive driver wasn’t actually an advantage, but being a logical one and therefore driven by a cold logic could turned out to be more effective in the long run of the race.

 _Don’t drive with your heart. Drive with your mind_ , it’s what uncle Luke used to say.

[ _There is no emotion_ , the wind whispered to her]

_By being a racing driver you are under risk all the time. Being a racing driver means you are competing against other people,_ Rey heard words of late Ben Kenobi whispering in the air. _And if you no longer go for a gap that exists, you are no longer a racing driver._

[ _There is no emotion_

 _There is_ **peace** ]

Her heart bit in her chest, strong and loud. Her heart screamed the desires her mind didn’t want to listen; and Rey was the waste ground, waste land, used, overused, after years of being only _a racing driver_ , firstly and foremostly and being Rey Kiraly secondly and barely.

[Serenity.]

Rey squeezed the reins, making Prince slow down. She was probably in the north-west part of the Oxhead commons. She could see the dark wall of the holt in the distance, a lone island in the dreamscape of the malachite green sea of grass.

[There is no **_passion_**

There is no **_chaos_** _._ ]

[ _If I wanted to destroy your career I could put to the papers that she slashed my face!_ ]

Kylo’s face. Broken in silvers, golds and rubies of anger; features sharp and truthful, like crystals, crystalline and perfect.

_[She didn’t want it. The scar was a coincidence._

Rey stood in the middle of the emerald sea, lost. She was the mariner, she had no lighthouse to lead her home and the tempest was coming.

She was drowning in the depths of her own heart.

_She scarred his face and she scarred her own soul]_

Alone, alone –

_I COULD EXPOSE ALL OF YOU! THAT I RAN AWAY FROM HOME!_

_BUT I DIDN’T!_

**_\- I STAYED SILENT!_ **

Kylo’s, Ben’s voice rippled the surface of the grasswater; Rey looked around , breathless, startled. She was alone, she had to be.

But Kylo’s voice.

It felt so real.

It was real.

_\- Rey._

Prince neighed quietly under her, when she turned him around. She was really alone. Just the horizon of the hills, green, the endless finite skies of grays and black, the turmoil.

Another gust of wind, she squeezed her fingers on the reins, she squeezed her eyes.

‘Don’t worry’ she leant to the Prince’s head, the horse’s mane smelled of the wood. ‘We are alone.’

The gentle whisper of the wind, low and melodic. She took a deep breath. Nobody was here. She was alone, _alone –_

_‘Rey.’_

She was being watched.

She turned around again, and again, and again. Who was that? Was wind playing with her? A sylph, sylphide imitated Kylo’s voice wanting to make her go crazy?

If so, they were succeeding. She couldn’t even trust herself.

_Because I want to fix what was broken! And I’m not the only one, Rey wants that too!_

Rey wants that too!

Rey wants that too!

Rey wants that too!

Rey wants that too!

Rey wants that too!

There is no passion, passion, passion

The neon lighting scarred the welkin with the flash of blazing, illuminating light. Another gust of wind blow all of her hair into her eyes; Prince bucked and stood on back legs. Rey just managed to grab him, before it cantered.

‘Stop, stop!’ but the horse didn’t listen to her. Neither did rain; the pour started at once.

Rey only knew she was galloping, straight onto the lone island in the middle of nothing.

The speed, the adrenaline. When she was racing, she could feel herself ascending into different dimension, not tunnel vision, but seeing everything.

Now she felt it too.

But she could say why cars had “horsepower”.

She had no idea how she managed to slow Prince down. The horse neighed terribly, when she pulled the reins as hard as she could and began to trot and later walk.

‘Amazingly, beauty, amazingly’ she said, touching the horse. They were now in the comfortable darkness of the holt. Rey wondered why farmers would leave just lone part of the woods in the middle of the field, but she didn’t complain. The thick trunks of the nearby oaks were covered with softly-looking emerald moss same as the visible roots. She could identify other trees, birches and rowan.

The storm was nearby, but thank God, it wasn’t here yet. The last thing she needed was risk of being struck by lightning

‘Good, good, calm, calm’ she whispered, petting Prince. Horse looked at her with his black eyes, questioningly.

‘Don’t’ she whispered. ‘I know it’s… irresponsible, but I had to. I had to run.’

 _Are you sure about that_ , Prince seemed to ask.

The wind brought the wave of cold rain that caressed her face. Rey brushed hair from her eyes.

‘We will wait till it stops raining’ she said. ‘And we will come-‘

‘ _Rey_.’

Again.

Rey blinked.

‘Be-Ben?’ she whispered. Even Prince looked around.

No, no, no, she had to, she had to –

The scream escaped her lips, when the enormous, ground shaking lighting struck the ground. For the moment, the sky was whiter than alabaster.

‘No!’ she yelled.

But it was too late.

Prince galloped, sweeping her off her feet and sending her onto the ground. Rey, last minute, managed to cushion her fall: however, she felt unpleasant pain in her ankle.

‘Bloody hell’ she whispered.

She looked in front of her; Prince was receding and receding in the greenness of the sea and rainfall as he became just a black point.

‘Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!’ she yelled, each time punching the ground. ‘Fuck!’

 _Be a lady_ , she thought. She laughed out loud, feeling the tears in the corners of her eyes and she took a deep breath.

It wasn’t time to cry. She had to think what to do. She was stranded here. With no phone. In the eye of cyclone’s fury.

Rey stood carefully – she felt faint pain in her ankle, but she didn’t think it was that serious. However, to make sure, she tried to stand on her tiptoes –

‘Auauauauauaua fuck!’ she at once backed. She touched the oak’s trunk and placed herself in-between its roots.

She took off her shoe and swore again.

Her ankle was swollen.

‘God, no, no, no’ Rey shook her head. ‘Fucking god!’

It was her fault, it was her goddamn fault.

She straightened up, holding her breath.

She was really alone, she really was.

However, the wind’s murmurs and constant rain taps ominously sounded like laughter.

*******

Kylo was now torn apart.

On the one hand, riding on a horse to the center of the - Jesus fuckin’ Christ - fuckin’ storm could be one of the most idiotic ideas ever, even if his mother told him to, but on the other hand, Rey was somewhere there. And they – he – had no idea if she was safe.

It wasn’t about being a damsel in distress, Rey could look after herself. But he was the one in distress and he knew that if he won’t at least know that she’s safe and all right, he would never forgive himself. With this realization came another certainty, even more gut-wrenching.

It scared him.

How much he cared.

The words of his mother still echoed in his mind.

[ _I now see the truth, Ben._ ]

The woods were dark , the darkness wept from the leafage when he slowly rode through the forest: the rain soaked him through, he felt like his hair stuck to his skull. It’s been years since his last horse ride, but he never forgot how to do it.

[ _It wasn’t your fault. It never was._

 _I’ve broken two hearts._ ]

Slow steps, he had no idea what to do. His heart beat so fast, when he watched the dark wall of the forest, the green fields.

Where could Rey be?

The quiet taps of the rain.

‘Rey!’ Kylo yelled. ‘Rey!’

Prince neighed, hearing her name.

‘You could help me’ he muttered. ‘You left her. Dishonor on you and your cow.’

He laughed quietly to himself, before taking a deep breath, smile fading from his lips.

Why his uncle had to have such big estate? And they didn’t have any guarantee that Rey was nearby. And storm was coming – Kylo could feel it’s overwhelming, angry presence, pressing the welkin of the sky more and more.

‘Rey!’ he called her again. ‘Rey!’

His voice echoed; and echoed till it was devoured by the silence.

He stopped the horse and looked around. The wind moved the leaves, brushing his face with the soft like-touch, making him shiver.

 _Ben._.

Kylo held his breath.

‘Rey?’

His voice was dull, muffled.

_Ben._

The rustle, a broken twig. Was it an animal? A rabbit? A fox?

But it couldn’t be.

‘Rey, is that you?’ asked Kylo.

His heart started beating faster.

He squeezed the reins and the horse took some slow steps, the sound of hooves hurt his ears.

The flash of lighting: storm was closer and closer.

_Ben._

He gasped.

‘Rey!’ he rushed Prince to run up to the skirts of a forest. Beyond, was only the open space of the green field of wheat with the lone knoll with some trees, looking like a rouge planet.

_Be with me._

He wasn’t scared.

The horse neighed. Kylo gazed into infinity, feeling like everything he has ever known disappears. The infinity of the invented concept of distance devoured him, it was annihilating him, changing, reflecting, mirroring , turn him and the world upside down, round, round around, perpetually, like a Chinese box, a Matryoshka doll opening to reveal another one. He was the interloper, he was the center of this inverted dimension. The clouds underneath him effervesced, shattered, angry and wrathful, the wind was cutting the air with more and more violent blows.

However, he didn’t feel the rage of the storm: far from it, his lips trembled with another and another caresses of the Aurae themselves. His mind and memories were full of his mother’s stories of the elves, gnomes, sylphs hunting the darkling backwoods of the then Island of Britannia.

He could hear the call, loud and clear.

_Be with me._

Calling him through the storm.

To her.

The call he always heard.

_Be with me._

_Be with me, Ben._

_Be with me._

_(rey’s voice – a soft whisper-touch echoed in his mind)_

He had no choice; he had to answer her call. She couldn’t hide from him. Her presence was like a pillar of light flashing in his eyes. He had no idea how and why, but he always knew they were connected.

_Always._

He slowly immerged in the sea of green wheat, wending his way towards his axis mundi, constant and perpetual center of his constantly inconstant world.

Towards Rey.

*******

She knew she could manage to walk. She was… a mile from home? Maybe. But still it could mean worsening her condition. But also, she couldn’t stay here.

Rain didn’t stop. Storm was here. She was stranded in the middle of nothingness.

And she had no idea what to do.

She would go, she told herself. When the rain would stop. She would take one of the branches and use it as a cane to support herself.

For God’s sake, she hated herself.

She was a bloody moron, moron, moron!

Rey groaned and rested her head on the oak’s trunk. She watched the malachite ceiling of the leaves, moving in harmony with the wind, when taps of rains were staining her face.

She was thinking about everything. That Luke will be mad. He will be furious with her. Leia will be disappointed, because what will happen if Rey will be said to be unfit for racing? What had she done? She’d let her anger and fear get the best of her again.

She closed her eyes, hiding her face in her hands. Her ankle emitted the faint, but hurtful, hurtful pain, but sufficient to make her feel really uncomfortable. She was also getting cold; the hoodie was all wet, she could feel how her shirt clung to her body like second skin.

Her hands started to tremble. She was feeling so hopeless, so mad, so mad at herself. So mad at Kylo – that he had that audacity to come and she didn’t believe a word he said –

She wanted to.

So desperately.

She wanted Ben. She used to love him. She burnt in this love for so long that nothing left of her. There was no other person who would make her just feel so much, feel so conflicted, to question everything and she… she hated it.

She felt so alone.

She wanted more.

She wanted _him_.

But she couldn’t.

It was a matter of _her_. Her dignity. She knew her heart, her body, her spirit wanted him, no matter what name he wore now. But she, she, Rey Kiraly, _cared_. She had to care for herself. Laws and principles existed for the reason and the reason, logic was absolute.

[ _Rey, you understand what I want of you? Just this promise._

Ben’s eyes on her, when he held her hands. They were rough, full of calluses. His eyes, these beautiful brown eyes, were full of hope.

Her lips tasted of chocolate.

_Ben, I cannot be yours._

His eyes, hurt. His lips, _trembling._

Her lips, _trembling._

She was the one to kill Ben. She created Kylo Ren.

A tear fall down her cheek.

‘Rey!’

She held her breath.

Again.

‘No, no, no’ she whispered.

She was going insane.

‘Rey, are you there?’

Withal the sound was unmistakable; the voice was unmistakable. It felt real and Rey knew that maybe it was the time that she lost her mind.

She stood, feeling wobbly, holding onto the tree. She scrutinised the area surrounding her carefully, the rocks, the waves of the green sea –

The cold breeze brushed her face, brushed the tear from her cheek.

She knew she wasn’t alone anymore.

She turned around.

 _He_ was there.

Rey was at the loss of words, at the loss of breath.

Something of daylight still lingered, his face was the moon waxing bright: Rey could see him plainly. The rider’s figure was enveloped in darkness as dark his horse was, tall and imperious, yet there was an astonishing softness to him. That softness mildened the stern features, sharp and cutting and told her that before seeing her, they had to be ireful for sudden relief washing over his face.

‘Rey’ he spoke.

He looked at her the way she looked at him: like they were both spectres, fantasms of the past , of the very nature, and they couldn’t trust their eyes.

Rey watched him with bated breath as he alighted from the horse.

‘Are you injured?’ he enquired. ‘Rey.’

His hair were damp, eyes watchful. He took a step.

She gulped, priming as her fingers clutched onto the tree.

‘How did you find me?’ she asked. ‘How?’

Kylo looked at her.

‘We saw the horse’ he replied, tone quiet and gentle. ‘We were worried something happened to you.’

She looked at him up and down.

‘Are you injured?’’ he repeated his question, not pushily. ‘Did you fall from the horse?’

She shook her head.

‘Are you really here?’ she whispered. ‘Are you?’

Kylo took a deep breath.

‘I am’ he said. ‘I’m here.’

Rey bit her lip.

‘I’ve heard a voice’ she breathed. ‘Voices and… your voice. You can be a mere dream.’

The horse neighed as Kylo touched it’s head.

‘I also heard your voice’ he said quietly, avoiding her gaze. ‘That’s why… I came here. And I found… you.’

She blinked few times, feeling another tear forming in the corner of her eyes. She groaned.

‘Rey, what –‘

‘Everything in life seems unreal’ she interrupted him. ‘Me being in F1. You, you coming to Oxhead, you apologising. I tried to run away… but you came here. And I don’t know if you are real, if anything is real. The world around me… seems malleable, deconstructed’ she choked out. ‘And I don’t know… anything and… I feel… lost.’

Kylo looked at her, long and poleaxed.

‘I know’ he muttered. ‘I feel it too.’

Of course he does, she thought. He could be the mirror, her shadow, not real Kylo, Ben.

They eyed each other, Rey breathed heavily.

‘I don’t even know if you are real’ he whispered. ‘Everything… seems unreal. I feel I can’t see anything… just… you.’

There was only one way to find out the truth.

Rey stared at him as she tentatively raised her hand towards his. His eyes on her trembling palm; she knew he is just as lost as her – their minds seemed to adhere to each other, somehow altering them. She felt his presence right beside her. But was it real?

She didn’t know.

He came slowly to her, didn’t look away. Rey breathed heavily, more and more heavily.

She expected to see their hands go through each other; what else she could expect from today? It was like a feverish dream: Kylo coming to Oxhead, her escape, their talk back in Bahrain. Rey was dreaming and her dreams became her reality, and reality had all the qualities of a dream.

Dream within a dream, a mere dream within a not mere reality.

But their fingers actually touched; and the touch was a flash of lighting in itself. Rey was stunned; the contact, that touch jolted her, yet she saw the same shock painted on Kylo’s long face.

She sat down, almost fell; she felt weak, the emotions and constant tension in her body exhausted her, but Kylo grasped her hand and slowly guided her down.

‘Why did you come?’ she asked.

‘Why did you run?’ he replied.

Rey gulped.

The rain fell on their faces, when they stared at each other. Rey looked down.

His touch burnt her skin, his presence was bright and too searing , too real to be a dream: but also, her dreams for years had all the qualities of reality. Her heart knew the inmost, the deepest-buried truth and dream of hers; the daydream, the waking dream with no awakening. Even if her dream could be made flesh, it still could be no more than just real.

His fingers didn’t let her hand go; she let herself feel too much. It was like playing with fire, with a mere idea of what she could have and what could have been if only -

‘I wish I could trust you’ she confessed finally. ‘But I don’t know how pure your intentions are. What left of your… heart. If you have… any.’

[ _You know I would do anything for you._

 _Even when you tore me, my face, soul, heart apart_.]

‘I’m alone’ she said, her thumb brushing over his skin, dotted with freckles. She wondered how he operated the wheel with so many buttons, having such enormous hands.

‘I’m completely, entirely alone’ she looked at him. ‘I feel like I stopped existing. I’ve become my own shadow, a shadow with a name.’

He didn’t speak, he didn’t interrupt her. Eyes watchful, dark, he waited.

Rey took a deep breath.

‘You knew that would happen. You were… right.’

She let go off his hand; his fingers were unwilling, yet he unhanded her. Her skin burnt, was too sensitive with the memory of his touch.

Kylo took a deep breath, she could see the contrasting emotions on his face.

‘Right about what?’

Rey bit inside of her cheek. Her ankle emitted that faint, constant pain and she really wanted to laugh.

‘I’ve lost myself’ she whispered. ‘I’ve lost myself and I don’t know who I am anymore. You said I would lose myself and I did.’

The dark waves of his hair stuck to his cheeks. She wanted so much to brush them, but they would only reveal the absolute truth – the scar. And she was afraid.

She was always afraid.

Kylo met her gaze, his face pale.

‘And who are you now?’ she asked. ‘Are you Kylo? Are you… Ben?’

A tear fell down her face.

His face tensed.

‘Rey –‘

‘Who are you now?’ she asked again. ‘ _Who?_ ’

He looked away.

‘Why are you asking that?’ his voice was quiet, almost non-existent, like a murmur of the wind.

‘Because I want to really see you’ she said. ‘Ben. Not Kylo.’

His eye twitched, the corner of the lip too.

‘And are you sure he exists?’ he asked. ‘What’s pretty… ironic of you to ask… for him’ he said.

The bitterness in his voice, a sudden realisation that in fact, her question hurt him, made Rey take a deep breath.

He sat with a thump on the ground. She could see his impressive profile, that aquiline nose, dark brow. When reading _Pride and Prejudice_ or _Jane Eyre_ , Rey didn’t imagine Colin Firth, Toby Stevens or Michael Fassbender as Mr Darcy or Mr Rochester.

She had always imagined Ben.

She glanced down.

‘And yet you are here’ she whispered.

*******

And yet, he was here.

The grey sweatpants were pewter now and the girl shivered every now and then; Kylo couldn’t but notice that the material, as same as her hands, and red wellingtons were covered in mud. Rey looked wet and bedraggled, she looked like a drowned rat, doe-eyed and pale.

‘Why did you come?’ she asked again. ‘I know that in the end you will want what Snoke wants. You will destroy us. You will destroy _me_.’

He watched her.

‘It’s deadlock, stalemate situation’ he spoke finally. ‘If I don’t do this…I’m dead.’

He would be more than dead. There was no redemption, no escape. When you sell your soul to the devil, there’s no coming back.

‘I’ve given everything I had to them, to Snoke and… Palpatine’ he added. ‘I had nothing. No family… no future… and… at that moment…’

He couldn’t go on.

He looked behind, when Prince snorted behind them. Rey gasped. Somewhere, above them, there was a quiet, yet ominous murmur of the storm.

‘We were… terrified… seeing Prince… in the driveway. Without you’ he said. ‘We didn’t know what happened, if you are all right –‘

He fell silent, he glanced at her. Rey touched her neck and tucked some strands of wet hair behind her ear.

[his fingers itched with need of doing that]

‘I don’t want Snoke to destroy your career’ he said. ‘I don’t want that.’

Rey looked at him, surprised, still wary.

He started to take off his leather jacket, feeling the weight of Rey’s gaze sliding across his chest.

‘Take it’ he said. ‘I think we will stay here for a bit, at least to the time when it will stop raining.’

‘I don’t need it’ she said.

‘I see you are shivering, Rey’ he came closer. ‘Another solution is to get naked and warm each other, and I’m not sure if you’re willing to do that.’

He saw, with satisfaction, that her cheeks got red. He rose an eyebrow.

‘… no.’

He put slowly his jacket on her shoulders. Rey smelt like the rain and soil, but there was a known, soothing scent of flowers. He could feel her hot breath on his neck when he leant over her and he had to close his eyes for a second, feeling his chest clenching with yearning.

‘Thank you’ she whispered, when he backed away

‘You’re welcome’ he replied automatically. His eyes fell on her leg.

‘So… what happened?’ he asked, a tactful change of the subject.

Rey sighed.

‘I think I’ve sprained my ankle’ she rolled her eyes ‘I fell trying to stop Prince.’

Tap of the rain; they both looked at each other.

‘Can I… have a look?’

Rey pressed her lips into a thin line, but after a moment she stretched her right leg. Kylo gently took it.

‘You know that you should wear equestrian wellies, but normal ones’ he said.

‘Wellies sound so British in your lips’ she whispered. ‘And you despise everything British –‘

‘My bad, _rubber boots_ –‘

‘First of all, you despise _me_.’

Rey’s voice was quieter than a whisper, yet, he gasped.

He gulped.

‘That’s not… true.’

He took off her wellington and put in on the ground. He could feel her eyes on his skin.

‘And what is true?’

‘I’ll have to take sock off’ he said. ‘To see the ankle.’

‘You’re avoiding the question. Why did you come to Oxhead? I didn’t agree to your… deal.’

Kylo swore under his breath.

‘You will tell me if it hurts –‘

‘Look at me.’

Rey grabbed him by the wrist.

‘Ben’ he heard.

[Ben, and Rey’s tentative smile, her delicate touch and beautiful blush painting her face like a touch of watercolor on the paper

Ben, and his mother’s eyes full of hope, her being sure he finally came home.]

Kylo closed his eyes, his fingers gripped the material of wet sock.

‘Maybe we are both lost’ she whispered. ‘I lied… for too long. I don’t know anything anymore. Maybe it’s… the time… to… be honest. With each other. It’s… only us.’

He took a deep breath.

He turned to her; her face was the one he dreamt about during his restless nights, full of light even if it was the dimmed one; her short hair stick to her cheeks, creating the patterns he wanted to read with his fingers and pale-pink lips twitched.

In his mind’s eye, he would just close the distance between them; he would cup her face and kiss. He wanted it for so long, but –

It didn’t feel right.

Would it ever feel right.

‘Can you be honest with me?’ he asked.

There was a slight furrow of the eyebrows, when Rey nodded.

‘Yes’ she replied.

‘Let me see it’ he said. ‘I need to see if it’s a serious injury.’

Rey gulped; she slowly backed her hand.

‘Relax’ he said.

The girl looked at him like he just said a joke. He tried to dismiss the white line of her neck , long and wet, when she rested her head on the tree.

‘So easy to say’ she whispered.

*******

She leant onto the trunk of the tree; she could feel her whole body being tense, hard, waiting, too sensitive. The pain only heightened the strength with which she experienced the visible world, the world, as she said before, was everything but unreal. The world of reason, the intelligible one, where she had lived for so many years, protected and sure of what’s true and logical, disappeared.

She closed her eyes: the world she knew was only now concentrated on feeling his fingers brushing her skin. He hold her gently, but even if his skin was all calloused it didn’t change the softness or delicacy of his touch.

‘Yes, you… sprained it a bit.’

The true dualism she never came to understand. How this violent man was so gentle in his violence and violent in his gentleness? The touch was like a kiss of a butterfly, a peck, a long skim on her oversensitive skin, Kylo painted over it touching, but not really touching it.

He pressed the swelling gingerly. She hissed quietly.

‘It hurts’ he didn’t ask.

‘Y-yes’ she said, breathless. ‘It… does.’

_It burnt._

Every touch he left on her skin always burnt, like the hellfire, the taste, the touch of heavenly fire. The memory of his lips on her skin, the memory of his hands on hers, voice –

[From what I’ve tasted of desire

I hold with those who favor fire.]

She felt the new flood of emotions washing her body, the complete opposite of the coldness of the rain. She sighed deeply and brushed hair from her face, her lips trembling. She was wet, but she was on fire.

She felt at once Kylo’s touch froze to the stop.

Rey opened her eyes.

She found him watching her with dark eyes, mouth slightly agape. She rested her head on the trunk more and looked at the bottle green ceiling of the leaves: the spots of rain fell on her lips and absentmindedly, she wiped them off.

She saw Kylo avert his eyes at once, his head, how muscles in his arms tensed. His fingers clenched a bit on her ankle and then slackened. He breathed heavily and she looked away: the black shirt clung onto his wide torso perfectly, inappropriately, _obscenely_ -

Another wave of fire flooded her body.

‘It doesn’t… look serious. It is a bit swollen… but you will be all right.’

Kylo’s voice was muffled and hoarse. He put her leg gently on the ground, on the makeshift pillow – her sock and wellington.

‘Why do you ask me to be honest with you?’ she asked.

Kylo was silent.

‘Can I even trust you’ she whispered. ‘I don’t know why you came here. Your intentions are so…’

‘Illogical’ he finished.

Rey gulped.

‘Yes.’

‘And running away during storm on the horse is any less illogical, Rey?’

He looked at her, face stony.

‘I don’t want to destroy your career. But I also have my… mission’ he said. ‘From Snoke. If not me, they will find a way to make your life worse, same as your career.’

‘So you’re protecting me?’

Kylo sighed.

‘I don’t fuckin’ know what I’m doing now. You’re damn stubborn. ’

‘And you came to Oxhead without eve –‘

‘You didn’t have to say that I’m your guest.’

Rey pointed at him and hissed.

‘God, you’re so smart. Always having a perfect riposte. You left me no choice.’

‘And what choice it was? _Fighting Dameron_? By far, you’re stronger than this shrimp.’

He laughed and Rey fell silent.

It wasn’t the warm laugh that used to give her butterflies, but the cold taunt confirming her worst supposition: she could not trust this man, even if her heart was saying otherwise.

She bowed her head down.

‘You want me to be honest with you?’ she asked. ‘I will be honest.’

The quiet murmur of the storm above them; the wind whispering in the leaves. Rey covered herself better with his jacket, ignoring his overwhelming scent of eau de cologne and his skin the material was soaked with.

‘I know I wasn’t blameless for what happened. I was silent, for years. But I was scared. And no, you didn’t push me or force me, but you didn’t understand the position I was put in.’

Kylo looked at her and he was just opening his mouth, and –

‘No’ she said firmly. ‘You. Will. Let. Me. Finish.’

Kylo sharply caught his breath.

‘I was left by my parents… and I don’t remember them’ she whispered, not averting her eyes, she wanted him to look at her, to see her, to hear her. ‘And what, they probably were nobodies as you always said. They drunk themselves to death, it doesn’t matter.’

‘I don’t remember the first five years of my life due to the severe trauma I’ve experienced’ she said. ‘I don’t even remember Hungary, I don’t remember that day when Luke took me in. I don’t remember it, because if I would remember I would go crazy.’

She knew she shouldn’t. She felt so vulnerable, in constant pain, wretched. Kylo was like her second self, a shadow. But she was mad, she was at the point she felt if she won’t say it out loud, she will explode.

‘You were right… then’ she said. ‘I am lying to myself. But I do this, because otherwise… the truth will kill me. Otherwise… I will go insane. I can’t. I know what I did and I can’t change it. I wasn’t blameless, but also you weren’t blameless.’

‘You said I don’t know what Luke and Leia do, but… this life is all I have. I love them, but also… I’m a people pleaser. And it’s killing me, if I don’t reach that perfection, if I don’t get the results I need, the results I think they expect of me –‘

‘Rey.’

‘You never understood that’ she said. ‘I know, you had own demons. You were Benoit Solo, son of Leia Organa, the nephew of Luke Skywalker, F1 legends. But I wasn’t.. the answer to their rejection. I wasn’t the magical solution to your loneliness.’

‘Your family loved you, your father loved you. aunt Leia… loves you, Luke too, in his own way. Even Poe. But we are all… not perfect. We couldn’t give you the right support, but that’s not a justification to what we did wrong. But we cared.’

‘And that’s the truth… Ben’ her voice trembled. ‘I would forgive you. Any time. I would beg for your forgiveness too. Last 8 years were like a bad dream, a nightmare and I couldn’t wake up. I had only one goal and it became… my obsession.’

‘But now… I feel empty’ she said. ‘And the past comes back. To haunt me. Or to teach me a lesson. Like… eternal recurrence. And I can run away, like I did in the past, like I did in Bahrain… or break the cycle.’

‘I would do everything to change the past’ she said. ‘To stop you before you drove away, to… Snoke. To never…’

Her eyes fell on his scar.

‘I didn’t throw the roses into the rubbish bin’ she confessed. ‘In Bahrain. I wouldn’t do it. Poe did it.’

Kylo took a deep breath.

‘Yes’ she whispered, before he asked. ‘I tried to stop him, but…’

‘They were too beautiful… to be thrown there she whispered. ‘And they reminded me… of you.’

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

‘I was so scared’ she muttered. ‘I was so scared of loving you, because I knew this love would destroy me.’

[Like a fire and that fire had been still consuming, devouring her for so long]

The gentle touch of wind, the whispers.

‘I was so scared of what I could do to just… protect you’ she whispered.

She opened her eyes to find Kylo – Ben – sitting still like a statue, eyes wide, face deadpan.

‘I know what you want to ask me now’ she said quietly.

He looked at her.

‘What do I want to ask?’ he breathed.

‘if I loved you.. why I would scar you’ she replied. ‘But I never wanted it. I –‘

She fell silent.

The air clenched her chest, she felt the big lump in her throat

She had to.

_\- the quiet taps of rain sounded like a laughter_

_A coward, a coward, you can only run away_

_I’m not a coward, she thought_

_I can break free -_

A tear fell down her face.

‘I aimed at Poe’ she whispered. ‘But you turned around… t-too fast _._ ’

She covered her lips with her hand, she blinked, but the visible world was falling apart in the frame of her tears.

She said it.

She finally said it.

Kylo’s eyes flew open. He stared at her in confusion and maybe… longing?

‘What?’ he muttered.

‘You turned around too fast’ she choked. ‘There’s no day when I wouldn’t regret doing it. And you looked at me… in that way…’ she choked. ‘And I knew… I lost you.’

*******

He felt too much. The events of this day already left him exhausted and presented so contradictory views that his mind was in turmoil.

He was in constant agony. He couldn’t shake the memory of his mother’s hand against his cheek, of those eyes full of love and understanding, despite the past. And now Rey was telling him all those things, destroying the certainty and that certain version of the past Kylo had always thought to be the only logical and true one.

What was it then? Was really Rey honest with him? Was his mother honest with him? Had Snoke lied to him?

Kylo was supposed to be the pariah, a Skywalker who wasn’t a Skywalker, even if he was of Skywalker blood. Snoke would tell him that there would be no understanding from Skywalkers, no recognition of their mistakes as they were trying to maintain their perfect image. Same went for Rey – she was supposed to be cold, unwilling and proud.

[They don’t care about you. Just their precious team. They preferred two orphans, not you.]

[ _I aimed at Poe_ ,

(At some point I don’t see the difference between lies and the truth)

_not you._ ]

(All lies.)

That’s why he was still in this constant agony. He felt as e was being torn apart by two different agendas, two truths and two falsehoods and he still… didn’t know whom to trust.

He sought freedom. That’s why he wanted so much to just start anew. To leave everything. With Rey. And she was right. The story repeated itself, fuckin’ Nietzsche was right.

He sought the way to break that cycle. To become his own person. He ran from Skywalkers, because he had no choice. But he wasn’t his own person under Snokovich either and he knew that, but…. He had no choice.

However, Rey’s words.

His scar – the scar he had been seeing in the mirror-self – wasn’t really intentional.

It wasn’t the symbol of Rey’s hatred for him?

[ _you know they can try everything to lead you to believe them_ , he heard Snoke’s voice. ]

The most beautiful words can be only a siren song.

And how could he be sure the call he heard wasn’t a siren’s call?

They were both now stranded here, on this island of surreality, with green sea of grass and rain falling down. Kylo had none to trust – even himself.

‘You… won’t say anything?’ Rey asked.

He looked at Prince, who distractedly started to eat grass nearby, at peace. Kylo actually was a bit jealous of the horse now: he really could use not being responsible for anything. He actually was really jealous of amebas. They had that… pseudopods or Bill Nyes the science guys called it.

He only had pseudolife and pseudocareer.

‘B… Ren? Kylo?’

He looked over his shoulder at Rey, who waited for him to say something.

‘Oh’ he sighed.

Rey furrowed her eyebrows.

‘Oh?’ she asked. ‘ _Oh?_ ’

He shrugged his shoulders.

‘I talked with my mother’ he said coldly. ‘When you left.’

The furrow between her eyebrows deepened. Kylo folded his arms on his chest. Rey took a deep breath.

‘Why-why you talked with her?’ she said, breathless.

‘She apologized’ he replied.

Rey looked at him, astonished.

‘She… did?’

[his mother’s fingers on his scar –

did it hurt, she asks

everything hurt

 _everything hurts_ ]

‘Yes, she did’ he said, standing up. Some spots of rain fell on him, but he was pretty sure, thank God, Spaghetti Monster and whole pantheon of Celtic deities that they weren’t in center-center of that shitty storm, because they would be fucked.

He flicked a glance at Rey, who stared at him in rising astonishment.

‘What, what did she… say?’ she breathed.

‘I-‘

Kylo took a deep breath.

Was he vested with the right to treat her so coldly? Maybe. But he wasn’t stupid. He learnt his lesson in the past. The sabotage could come in many forms and he couldn’t be so stupid to just jump at them because they showed him some goodwill.

‘I think it’s not your… bag, Rey’ he said. ‘I don’t say it to make you feel bad, but –‘

Rey glared at him.

‘I think it’s something between my mother and me’ he finished.

‘And I think you’re wrong!’

She proceeded to stand and Kylo swore.

‘What the fuck are you doin’! Sit down!’

‘You came to Oxhead to “fix things”!’ she continued. He could see the struggle staining her face. ‘And I backed you up! You came here to just mess with us, with Leia and I won’t let this haaaaaaaaaAHHH –‘

Kylo leapt forward and caught her, just in time, before Rey fell onto the ground.

‘What are you doin’, woman’ he blurted out.

Rey breathed heavily; she held her chin high and laugh.

‘I don’t trust you’ she said, voice low. ‘Let. Me. Go.’

‘You’re injured’ he replied quietly. ‘If I let you go, you will fall.’

He closed his arms around her. Rey glared at him.

‘Then let me fall’ she whispered.

Her voice pulled a string in him, deep and hard. He took a deep breath.

‘…No.’

They looked at each other, Kylo felt her heartbeat, thought the material like an imprisoned bird; she wiggled a bit, but he didn’t let her. She laughed again and loudly groaned.

‘Why are you doing this?’ she asked. Her warm breath brushed his lips.

[so close, so close, close]

Her hair were damp now, but sill he wanted to brush it from her forehead. God, she was his weakness and she burnt him, he wanted so much to kiss her, but –

‘You weren’t just the solution to my loneliness’ he whispered. ‘I never thought about you… this way.’

Rey looked at him.

‘And how did you think about me?’

Kylo gulped. He was silent.

Rey smiled.

‘Exactly’ she said. ‘I don’t know if I can trust you. If you really want to fix… us. But I don’t know if we can be fixed. Or we are meant to be…’

‘Broken?’ he asked.

Rey shook her head.

‘Built, changed, deconstructed, modeled, remodeled… all the time’ she whispered. ‘Like a paradigm. A concept. Idea. We aren’t people, you know that. We exist to match up to people’s expectations. And that’s much worse than being broken.’

He was speechless.

That’s it.

Rey just _knew_.

He blinked several times, feeling his lips tremble. Rey watched him; her gaze steely, piercing him straight into core, heart of his soul.

‘Ben’ she said quietly. ‘Maybe… it’s not too late.’

[it was]

Another spots of rain fell on them: he observed as they mark their way on her face, scattered with freckles; she had tears in her eyes and they shone mysteriously as lucent diamonds. She was light, she was his light.

‘I only wanted you to be with me’ he confessed. ‘I thought so long… what kind of team we would be if you raced… for Mercedes FO.’

Kylo gently rose his hand to touch her cheek. Rey took a deep breath.

‘Can I touch… you?’

Rey blinked, surprised.

‘Y-yeah’ she breathed. ‘Yes.’

He steeled himself and pursed his lips into thin line. Rey wasn’t made out of glass; Skywalkers and Dameron treated her as a porcelain doll, but Kylo knew that Rey had a heart of a valkyrie. However, she could seem to be tamed, educated, _civilized,_ but the truth was, she was as wild as she-wolf or leopardess. Years of being with his family didn’t breed out her true nature, she was alike him, imprisoned by convention. She was stunning in her plainness and her mind was as sharp as her teeth.

She was the most mesmerizing and warring phenomenon of nature Kylo has ever seen.

‘Together we would be… invincible’ he whispered.

He brushed delicately strands of hair from her face. God, she was so beautifully lovely, he was in pain.

‘You’re an exceptional driver, but… Ferrari won’t give you the opportunity to shine. And… you know it.’

Rey closed her eyes.

‘Don’t say that.’

‘And what happened in Bahrain?’ he murmured. ‘You were forced to give Dameron your position.’

‘I’m a rookie’ she replied. ‘I need more… experience.’

His fingers brushed her cheekbone. Rey took a deep breath and eased into his touch. Kylo felt another pull of desire deeply within himself, a, a –

[a call.]

He tighten his embrace around her and drew her closer. They both breathed heavily and the world –

The world didn’t exist. It was a concept.

Only _they_ existed.

He rested forehead on hers and cupped side of her face with his one hand. Rey weaved her fingers onto his hair.

‘God, what I’m doing’ she whispered.

He had no idea what he was doing either.

Kylo had a hard time to even try to be logical, under her touch, just by her presence. He could tell how perfect they matched the body of the other; it was too sinful to be honest, too ideal, how something so innocent was making him just go, go, _go_ –

He groaned. Rey’s nose was just next to him, her lips almost brushed his. So close, so close and he wanted more -

‘You need a team built around you… team that is… yours’ he breathed.

Rey froze.

‘But…’ she began, Kylo looked at her. Her eyes found his.

‘If we were a team, we would… fight for the position, for… the title. Nothing… would change’ she whispered. ‘No-nothing.’

Kylo smiled faintly.

‘No’ he shook his head. ‘It would. I wouldn’t race.’

*******

Rey eased away from him.

Kylo, Ben – she had no idea who was standing in front of her – watched her intently. His palm still gently cupped her face, searing her skin with its surreal heat.

‘What?’ she choked, utterly and absolutely stunned. ‘You… wouldn’t… race?’

She felt unbalanced, psychically and mentally. She simply _didn’t understand_. Ben Solo, Kylo Ren - the man in front of her – had one dream since Rey knew him. He wanted to be a _racing driver_. He was a racer, he had it in _his blood_. It was his destiny, his legacy, his dream. It was his true love, not his family or even her, if he ever truly loved her.

His first and last, only love had always been _racing_.

And now… he was telling her… he wouldn’t race?

It couldn’t be. It simply didn’t compute.

So Rey stared at him, but his face remained the same: stern, focused, yet beautiful in its ethereal beauty, with the scar marking his face with angry slash. Kylo had the face of a Byronic hero, Rey always knew that. Yet there was certain softness to his features, only visible in certain situations. Like the mask he wore was, in fact, diaphanous and Rey could see a glimpse of who he really could be if only –

The touch – of his palm on her face, the touch of his hand on her waist, the only point of her inconstant balance – tightened and she gasped quietly.

Her hands disembroiled itself from damp waves of his hair as she placed them across his wide torso. The material was wet and she could feel the hardness of his chest as well as his beating heart.

‘I don’t understand’ she whispered. ‘What… what do you mean?’

It was a twist in the plot she didn’t foresee; she could think Snoke made a deal with Kylo that involved her, discrediting her and Skywalker Ferrari, but she was sure it was always about getting her out from F1 to protect the status quo of Formula 1 being the sole and last stand of untouched white patriarchy in the industry. Or her, eradicated to the status of a second driver, but –

 _Wasn’t it happening now,_ a voice asked in the back of her head.

Rey blinked. She forgot how to breathe for a second: she still stood shakily with one leg almost-almost above the ground.

‘I said what I wanted to say’ she heard.

‘No’ she shook her head. ‘It… doesn’t make sense. It… doesn’t.’

She looked at him.

‘You wouldn’t do that’ she whispered.

Ben backed his hand: his fingers brushed her neck. Rey took a deep breath; she felt shivers, jolts of electricity going down her spine.

‘Why do you think that?’ he asked.

‘Because you worked so hard to… get into F1’ she replied. ‘You gave everything. And you would –‘

‘Yes’ he interrupted her.

His eyes wandered across her face.

‘Who says Snoke would be there forever?’ he whispered. ‘Or Palpatine? They’re _old._ Past their prime. Mercedes isn’t theirs. And every company needs a future.’

‘Ferrari sticks too much to the tradition and past’ Ben continued. ‘Mercedes thinks about the future. And future… is female.’

A smile widened his lips.

‘I always thought about this’ he said. ‘I have some talent, yeah, but racing in formula cars you have to have… certain aptitude. You know that due to my height… I will always be in the lurch’ he said. ‘There can be new regulations, weight limits and I can be a good driver, really good. But you’ll always be better…. If not the best.’

There was ardent sparkle in his eye illuming his face in unhealthy, morbid glow.

‘No’ she whispered. ‘It’s –‘

‘Rey’ he drew her close. ‘Imagine that. You wouldn’t be in anyone’s shadow. You would be the number one, the lone star. We could be unstoppable. I would built the team around you, and only for you. Nobody would question your talent because of your gender.’

‘There’s a price for that’ Rey felt tears in her eyes. ‘I know there’s one. Always is.’

Ben frowned.

‘Are you calling “choice” a price?’ he asked in an unbelieving tone, like his proposal was the most obvious thing to accept. ‘ _Rey_.’

‘And how do you imagine that?’ she replied. ‘It’s not possible. I won’t let-‘

‘God, you’re still holdin’ on. Let go. You won’t let my mother and uncle down, they gave you everythin’, yeah, I know’ he grabbed her by her shoulders and drew nearer to her. ‘We could give… each other real freedom’ he whispered. ‘And it’s what we always… wanted.’

Her eyes were coming back and coming back to his lips. She was so hot, so wet, his hands were burning her skin.

‘I could give you more than everything’ he muttered. ‘And I could give things they will never be able to give to… you.’

His palms wandered on her waist. Rey glanced down, feeling the blush on her cheeks deepen.

She didn’t have to even guess what did he mean; the intention in his voice, the low whisper and his touch – the touch of his hands as well as the touch of his eyes – were enough.

‘I couldn’t be really honest with you then, because he could watch’ she heard. She couldn’t face him, not really, so his presence was just his touch and voice. ‘But now… think about it. What we could achieve. Together.’

‘Join me, Rey’ he said and after a while he added:

‘…please.’

She looked at him.

Ben stared back at her, face bright and open, full of hope.

He really believed the words he said.

For a moment Rey could imagine the future, possible one: her as the only superstar of Mercedes FO, dressed in black-silver suit of the Silver Arrows. Her winning nearly every race, when Ben would check on the team and her, wearing the headphones set as the team principal.

That one side of that vision, because other one scared her in its intensity and vividness: it frightened her, because – she realised how much… how much she wanted it.

How much she desired him.

Ben took a deep breath.

‘Rey.’

She was breathless, she was burning. Her eyes once again was falling on his lips and again, and again and she could only think –

[annihilation never was so beautiful.]

She was shaking, when placing her hands on his shoulders, she wanted that shirt off his skin; it was like the fever, the heat and she was long infected and now in fervour.

‘I can’t join you’ she breathed, breathless. ‘I can’t. But –‘

She found his face and with trembling hands, she cupped it.

‘Kiss me’ she pleaded. ‘… please.’

The quiet hush of the wind, the taps of the rain: but the storm wasn’t gone.

Its centre was now in Rey’s heart burning with desire.

‘Ben’ she whispered. ‘ _Ben._ ’

Mouth agape, he was silent. But she could feel the difference in his breathing, in the beating of his heart.

She couldn’t wait.

She stood on her tip toes, even if it hurt her: tear fell down her cheeks. She wanted it for so long, too long and now, even if she would regret it later, she had to do it.

She was so close: he also leant to her, they would meet halfway. Rey already had fireworks in her mind, the emotions she was experiencing were unbearable. She wanted him for so long, she desired and loved him and now –

It was the place of her annihilation.

Just one inch, his hot breath on her lips, she trembled, felt a flash of lighting down her spine and deep within herself –

[her, the ocean – waves by waves – washes the shore, deep within the caves]

She closed her eyes.

But the kiss never came.

Rey took a deep breath; the moment, the magical second when everything should have tapped into place – passed.

She opened her eyes.

Ben slowly backed away, further and further away. His face was cold and distant.

‘You didn’t want _me_ to kiss you’ he said quietly. ‘Ben could love you, but I don’t.’

Rey opened her mouth to say something, but –

‘What? I mean –‘

‘You misread the whole situation, Rey’ his voice was colourless. ‘I learned my lesson. What I wanted, was the business relationship, nothing else.’

She felt anger rising in her. No, not only the anger.

Humiliation.

‘You’re lying’ she hissed. ‘I know the truth.’

Kylo had a blank face.

‘Do you?’

She could hear the scream – a howl, quiet, rather a howl of hurt – escaping her lips when she hit his chest with her fists, so weakly it was even more humiliating.

‘You’re ruthless’ she whispered, ramming her fist into his chest, wanting so much them to be a knife and hurt him. ‘You have no heart.’

Kylo grabbed her by the wrist, her face next to his.

‘And that’s your fault’ he replied. ‘Remember, that I’m not your stupid lover boy anymore. I won’t just kiss you, because you suddenly want so.’

Her face was melting from fury, but he hold her still.

‘Storm is gone’ added Kylo. ‘We should go home.’

‘Fuck you’ she whispered.

‘That’s definitely won’t happen, sweetheart’ he said and before she realised, he swept her from her feet into his arms.

‘What are you doing, asshole?’ she drawled.

‘You shouldn’t walk because of your ankle and I thought bridal carry would be… a good idea’ Kylo replied. ‘But true. Why would I try to be… gentlemanly.’

And almost in the same moment he threw her over his shoulder in fireman’s carry.

‘You’re fucking barbaric!’ Rey yelled. ‘God!’

‘Shut up, woman, I need a horse’ he said. ‘you’re the worst.’

‘You’re fucking asshole!’ she hit his back with a fist. ‘You’re a goddamn asshole.’

‘Language.’

‘Fuck you!’

She heard a cold laugh and a few seconds later again, Kylo offhandedly put her on Prince like a sack of potatoes. She glared at him, while he helped her to sit straight on the horse. He got back and got his jacket and her wellington.

‘We could say… the shoe suits the Cinderella of the story’ he said.

Rey laughed bitterly.

‘So funny.’

And he got on the horse and sat behind her.

‘So, are you ready?’ his arm embraced her in her waist.

‘I don’t want to talk to you’ she whispered.

Kylo took the reins and Prince started to walk slow. When they left the lone holt and its dark wall of leaves, Rey looked upon the sky. The dark clouds were away, but there was still the shawl of greyness hiding the Sun.

‘Don’t take it personally, Rey’ she heard Kylo’s murmur in her ear. ‘I’ve changed.’

The rejection, the humiliation that she still had _those_ feelings, rushed through her veins. The rejection was bitter, but there was certain taste of it – the aftertaste of disbelief, the whisper of her intuition telling her Kylo’s behaviour was nothing more just than toying with her.

She just knew he was lying.

And she would make him pay for that. She laughed.

‘What’s so funny?’ Kylo asked.

‘No, nothing’ she said. ‘Nothing.’

The wind blew and with it came back the echo of the laughter she heard before; but now Rey realised it wasn’t the laughter of the sylphides or spirits.

It was always _her_ laughter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can imagine me, sitting with my energy drink and just waiting. For you to read that chapter. For chaos to unleash. Oh, I waited so long to post it. I actually am hella proud of that chapter, even if it was, by far, the hardest. Rey and Kylo are here a complex couple and I just want to do them justice. But also, I'm a drama sloth so yeah. But guys, I really hope it's a good chapter. I feel it's good, but you are here to judge, not me. the chapter also has some goodies/ Easter eggs there and here for you to catch up on them. From the books, novelisations, canon movies, hymm - if you notice them, let me know ;)
> 
> I'm laughing in evil way. I enjoy this. And that drama is just the beginning, y'all. JUST THE BEGINNING. 
> 
> I didn't want to put songs I've listened to during writing this chapter, so I'm includin' them here:  
> 1\. Kimbra - Old Flame (amazing song and I just goooddddd I love it)  
> 2\. Adele - Set Fire to The Rain  
> 3\. Florence + The Machine - Howl  
> 3\. Fleetwood Mac - The Chain (unofficial F1 theme lol)  
> 4\. I Blame Coco - Summer Rain (so so Reylo)
> 
> I don't think there was much F1-lingo here, so I won't put anything. I really think most of you need to process what happened, so.... *insert pervert smile emoji*
> 
> Oh god, I'm such a bad person, I'm sorry.
> 
> I'm fine guys, working on the next chapter, working around the house and internship (if you are interested in my skill set as potato digger just call me I’m in) 
> 
> Take care of yourself and I hope this chapter brought you maybe not joy, but entertainment? HUH, definitely.
> 
> See You next chapter!


	16. Chapter 15: Grand Slam de Montréal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my dear readers, I really hope you’re all well, acting responsible and knowing that we’re still in the middle of the bloody pandemic and you all are wearing masks in public, washing hands and acting like responsible citizens I know you all are.
> 
> I’m not sorry for writing this here. I don’t want to judge anyone, but like we are all in this together and just, covid is not a flu or some fake disease. It is real. If you are tired of being at home and you run from the police saying “oh no quarantine will fuck up my holiday”, newsflash, you’re a fucking asshole. I don’t say that, because I consider you as assholes, no, but let’s be honest - a lot of people are just idiots that think they are magically immune to all diseases, viruses and because they are “good” God won’t punish them. Sorry guys, my dad was the best man you could possibly find, still got a brain cancer and died. So, if you’re reading this and you know a people who are ignoring the existence of corona, JUST FUCKING TELL THEM TO WEAR A FUCKING MASK. 
> 
> I was busy lately, internship is going, I think, quite well? For now I have to write like an essay about comparison between Helene Cixous’ The Laughter of the Medusa and Carter’s works. Later I will probably have to work on my translation and get another book to translate, so I’m saying that in advance. At this point I’m so fucked up with whole feminine writing that I honestly think I’m so stupid and I feel like an amoeba. But good news, if you have currant bushes, call me, I love picking fruits or digging po-tay-toes to avoid writing and reading at all costs. But I’m writing a new chapter, but I want to focus on quality of this story to get you all the best one in terms of storytelling and research I do.
> 
> So, before we start, this chapter is heavily focused on F1. I tried my best to do the best and present more technical side to F1, but also Kylo/Ben’s personality as same as to show Rey’s growth. And I absolutely LOVED describing Montreal. If you can, use Google Maps and I’ll show you which places I described. They are all real and in-between working in my garden and singing to zucchinis this slower part of the chapter – mega chapter – made my day. I wanted to share it with you guys, because I don’t know. I just loved it.
> 
> As always, I want to thank my beta reader, editor, Dot, who read this chapter and corrected my mistakes. She’s doing the God’s work and what can I say? Thank you so much, Dot, for believing in me and this story, and I hope I’ll make less mistakes in the future ;)
> 
> I want to thank my darling girlfriend, Lizzy, who stands my weird obsession with racing. Well, I made you love Reylo, so we’re even. I don’t imagine my life without her and her support, love is the very reason I became the person I am today and without her I definitely wouldn’t be here writing these words.
> 
> So, as always, I’m putting here the videos she made for this story:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4T816WuZVvw  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0JchcXdyDj0&feature=youtu.be
> 
> She also made the edit graphic for this chapter and I LOVE IT. She got the vibe of this chapter perfecly.
> 
> [forgive me, still tryin to get the youth slang]
> 
> For this chapter, I’ve mainly listened to those songs:  
> 1\. Until the Ribbon Breaks – One Way or Another ( this edit here - > https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ie5aOXsvZUU)  
> 2\. Pet Shop Boys – Heart  
> 3\. Post Malone - rockstar ft. 21 Savage (Zaitex Remix) (this video tribute to Seb Vettel is probably my fav F1 video ever - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jW2QieaGX-I) 
> 
> So my dear readers, I hope this chapter will make you smile, make you… mad? (angst angst angst) And that you will learn more about F1. 
> 
> But mostly I hope it will entertain you.
> 
> Be my guest ;)

> Wherein does a woman’s honour reside, old chap? In her vagina or in her spirit?
> 
> ― Angela Carter, _Nights At The Circus_

_(_ Foucault would say that most people when they think of power, look at it in an overly simplistic way. Most people look at power in the same way we looked at it back when we were living in monarchies in the 1300’s…as though power, is executed from a single source be it a king, a president, the halls of congress, the type of power that says NO to things. _)_

[ _Legs - arms – arms – legs_ ]

_Breathe in; breathe out -_

[ _Legs - arms – arms – legs_ ]

 _(_ The type of power that forces you to do things you don’t want to do. Foucault calls this type of power a bunch of different throughout his work: Contract oppression, sovereign power, repressive power; the most important thing to understand is that this is the type of power that has ultimate authority to take things from you… _)_

Kylo panted heavily. His fingers were clasped on the handle of the rowing machine, but it was slipping out of his grasp.

[ _Legs - arms – arms – legs_ ]

_Breathe in; breathe out -_

[ _Legs - arms – arms – legs_ ]

_(Power, to Foucault, has undergone a fundamental transformation in the West throughout the last couple hundred years. Power in our modern societies is not something with a stable center that can be identified and stopped. Power in our modern societies is what he calls Capillary. To Foucault, power is an unstable network flowing in all directions from every point at once…we all, whether we realize we’re doing it or not, we’re all exerting our power over everyone else around us every single day.)_

He felt another beads of sweat falling, slowly, so (God, too slowly) slowly on his forehead, temples, cheeks. His eyes burnt, the cushions of his Bose 700 were completely soaked, same as his shirt and sweatpants.

 _(_ Power is everywhere, to Foucault…but to most people power is invisible. The ability for this power system to change your behavior has become so subtle, the micro tactics of power -

[ _Legs - arms – arms – legs_ ]

_Breathe in; breathe out –_

[Kiss me

_Rey’s gaze locked on his, fire blazing in depths of her hazel eyes._

_Kiss me –_

Kylo pursed his lips harder, his face twisted in dire grimace.

He pulled the handle harder and harder –

[ p l e a s e ]

[Her gentle hands on his skin;

her breath, her lips just inches from his -

_you should have_ _kissed her_.]

Kylo lost his hold on the rowing machine’s handle suddenly: he was completely out of breath, tired, shocked. He was panting hard , feeling his lips tremble.

 _(_ have become so normalized in your world that most people don’t even notice themselves gradually being shaped into a mold of normalcy like a soldier in boot camp…or like a prisoner in a cell –

He took off his headphones and plumped it down on the floor.

[ _b e n_ ]

He had to snap out of it. He had to. It’s been too long.

Too long.

You should have kissed her.

There was no one at the gym but him. Because nobody was that masochistic to be at the gym at 4 am. Unless you had insomnia. Or you were an F1 driver with insomnia trying to avoid not only fans, but also the restless nights haunted with too much thoughts of “what ifs”.

The quiet murmur of podcast from his headphones was almost inaudible. Kylo sat still, maybe for some seconds, maybe minutes, maybe an hour. He thought he lost track of time.

He lost track of reality.

He closed his eyes; the drops of sweat fell down his face, onto his lips.

There was no darkness, known darkness, when he would close his eyes.

Only her.

Just her.

Always her.

Why Kylo didn’t kiss her? Why he didn’t just –

He wanted so much. She asked him to.

And he said no.

When they got back to Oxhead, Rey was strangely _too nice_. He could see with such ease she would put the mask of the perfect daughter. Kylo watched her, holding Prince’s reins, when she and Poe hugged, how his mother thanked God she’s safe.

Uncle just stared at him from the distance.

It was so new, but the same. Like nothing ever changed. Like the hour or two he spent with Rey beyond this reality was just…

A dream.

‘It’s your fault she has now an injured ankle’ Dameron said later. ‘If you didn’t come –‘

Kylo was silent.

He left an hour later, the same way he drove here.

A dream. It was like a dream. A talk with his mother, a talk with Rey –

And next week there was the real reality, the brutal reality of _his_ reality.

And the reality of his choice.

Azerbaijan Grand Prix. The street circuit in Baku, which already proved in the past that it is hard and unpredictable. Kylo knew he needs all the points he can get, but F1 was all about luck and with Ferrari he could never be sure. He had to make sure he’s 100% prepared, same as his car. He spent long hours in the simulator, nothing the tracks, the best overtaking spots and the tyres. He knew that it means a lot: getting respect from his mechanics and part of the team could prove crucial with his title fight with Hux. And if Kylo had to learn somewhere the best way of organizing the team and Mercedes FO, as German team, led by F1’s old sweats like Snokovich and Palpatine, was the best to do so.

[why he even thought about it?

Rey said _no_.]

But Kylo could dream. And he dreamed.

Baku, the capital of Azerbaijan, welcomed him with the fresh breeze from above the Caspian Sea and the hot rays of not-so spring Sun. The whole city was buzzing with energy and Kylo knew why the government wanted so much to host a prestigious F1 race. F1 and money was an indissoluble marriage and after several years of GT races built up experience, the government decided to up the ante, securing the rights to host Formula One and increasing its global exposure considerably further. After all, Baku was a rapidly developing city, with new developments springing up seemingly every week thanks to Azerbaijan's booming oil-rich economy. Baku was also the newest street circuit on the Formula 1 calendar, joining Monaco, Melbourne and Singapore and from them all, Kylo considered Baku Circuit the most tricky from those four.

The track was a strange mixture of wide and open and tight and twisty. The looong main straight along the Baku shoreline was a slipstreaming mecca, and with F1 cars able to run three abreast into Turn 1, the action often looked more like IndyCar race than F1. However from there, Baku Circuit looped around into the city’s narrow, winding Icheri Sheher old town, dramatically wending past Baku’s medieval city walls. Kylo knew that, same as in Monaco, slightest mistake was punished at once and severely, the margin of the mistake was almost non-existent; while talking set-up wise, the teams were forced to choose between downforce for the twisty bits and less drag for the straight. In total, the circuit measured 3.732 miles / 6.006 km and featured a mix of narrow slow speed sections and flat-out blasts along modern boulevards. It wasn’t a parade train-show like Monaco race, but the drivers found a layout that was a mix of wider boulevards and narrower side streets, joined in the main by slow 90-degree corners, often with a single racing line and some requiring first gear. Kylo at first thought that Baku definitely is not a track to give thrilling racing, but since first race, then called European Grand Prix, Baku Circuit was known for being a really crazy shitshow and literal “drive to survive”.

The comeback to the world of bubble of the flashing lights, cameras and media was unreal. Kylo felt outside of all of it. He never felt like a part of that world, even when his face could be found everywhere in the paddock: there werr banners at the entrance, of all the drivers, in their team colors, on his tyres, above his side of the Mercedes FO garage. Still, it felt he’s not really belonging there and a man on the ads for the race or in F1 intro is just his doppelganger.

But there she was, Rey Király, the new superstar of Formula 1. Her face too refined, too skinny, too flawless, freckleless, sun-clad with the spotlight of promised glory of Ferrari.

The smile on her lips just jibed at him.

He should have kissed her.

But she should have accept his offer.

He wasn’t sure if he would really give her everything, but –

He would definitely try.

Of course Rey made an enormous splash of headlines with her “injury” that was noted as “work out” one and TV coverage would often point their camera at Rey walking on crutches.

Did his visit in Oxhead changed anything? Did his mother forgiving him change anything?

Yes… and no.

Focault and Bentham were right. All people were living in damn Panopticon. F1 was one giant prison and Kylo never could tell whether he was being watched.

And who was watching him.

But he watched Rey, however stalkerish it could sound. Every session, free practice, qualifying, in the end the race – when she walked with her crutches. She was so away, too way, perfect princess of Ferrari in her ivory tower. She had it all.

He knew it wasn’t like that. But he couldn’t believe she would really-really have wanted him. He highly doubted it. She could act in the moment, on adrenaline, but not on her feelings. It was easier to hide behind the sarcasm, but in fact he was scared. Of the truth. If what Rey said then was really the truth.

Kylo had no idea. 

Because if it was the truth, he would have to… act. And he had no idea, if he was at power to kick Snoke and Palpatine out from Mercedes. If he would be the good team principal.

If Rey would agree, then yes. He would. He knew he would.

But she didn’t really want _him_. He wasn’t even sure if he wanted her, her as she is now. Logically speaking. He was so lost. He wanted just this cold logic to rule his head, but even if Rey said he’s heartless –

She had it since he could remember.

Why he was doing it to himself?

He should have kissed her.

Kylo felt the Eye of Mercedes’ Providence, Snoke in the flesh, watching him closely for the whole racing weekend. Kylo knew his boss wouldn’t probably have a wire in his phone, but he was thankful his mother kept her distance, like she knew –

That it’s better to keep it a secret.

Skywalkers were the best at keeping secrets.

And Kylo, whether he liked it or not, was one of them.

But one glance, across the pitlane, when he watched his mother sitting in the pit wall with other Skywalker Ferrari crew, was more than enough.

‘Nothing serious happened’ Rey’s smile was wide and innocent, full of joy. It was Friday, after FP2, normal interviews in the paddock with shit load of reporters. Rey was as always accompanied with her spokeswoman, that short Asian.

‘I’ve trained with my coach and I just fell… down. And I was unfortunate. I will be fine in a week, but I’m glad I was declared fit enough to race.’

Kylo took a deep breath – his fingers clenched on the hot metal barriers.

‘FP2, Kylo, P1, are you content with your performance?’ asked another reporter.

‘I-‘

He had to look with corner of his eye at Rey, who just laughed. He felt the bile, the known aftertaste of regret –

[you should have kissed her.]

‘I am’ he replied. ‘I’m quite content with my performance today. The team did an amazing job, but… From my side… I think I can improve. I can do… better.’

‘He’s a grump, even P1 is not enough’ he heard.

He almost jumped. He knew this touch of a small, but strong hand. He started in disbelief at Rey, who – just came to him and now put her palm on his shoulder.

‘Kylo, buck up!’ she added, in such light voice, too joyful, too false. ‘We all know you will try to destroy the competitors tomorrow, so you can try to drive slower and let us race.’

She patted him on the shoulder and he just, couldn’t help it, but he grimaced? Smiled? He had no idea. But his stomach twisted in the worst possible way – because that pat was just so, so –

Collegial.

Like he was a some… buddy of hers.

‘Haha’ he choked out.

Oh god, it was so awkward.

Rey looked up to him, face glowing with a stunning smile. She had rosy cheeks, she was flushed after their free practice. Her short hair poked out of her red cap in the most adorable way possible.

It didn’t take a reach of the imagination for him to dream about closing the space between them and kissing her; Kylo could feel her lips on his, the way she would smile and how he would draw her closer and closer.

He should have kissed her then.

He should have.

But then, she turned out to the reporter, smiled even wider and he had to take a deep breath. And then, she was gone, with her spokeswoman glaring at him like he was the Antichrist in the flesh.

Kylo didn’t fully understand why Rey did this. He wasn’t stupid, he knew his rejection had to hurt her, but he had that feeling she just played with him for the sake of punishing him, because she knew he was now beating himself up for not taking his chance and kissing her. So she teased him, she haunted him – his mind, his dreams and daydreams.

He was really too cold, he was heartless with her then, when she barred her heart for him. And now, what goes around comes around.

He not only regretted kissing her, but just – he shouldn’t have hurt her.

Baku was really the shitshow. But at least he won that shitshow. Another 25 points for him. Rey was there- somewhere – always behind him, she finished fourth. With fucking Dameron pushed by “strategy” to third. But he was leading the drivers’ championship, so he should be happy.

Spanish Grand Prix. Just three months ago there was F1 testing and Rey would splash her terrible non-coffee on him. Kylo had to focus on his job, not on her, he was repeating this like his mantra. He would spend his days working out more than ever before, working with engineers even more, taking notes on the mechanics of his car, not really thinking what if Rey agreed and, maybe, in a year or two, they would be both at Mercedes FO.

He would really give her everything. He knew that if he talked with Snoke or even Palpatine, they would agree that Mercedes needs a future and stealing the most promising and talented driver straight up from Mercedes’ eternal archnemesis was tantalizing.

She asked him for a price. And she had no idea only thing she would have to do was to say “yes.”

He was second. Hux got lucky and won the race. But Rey was third, so at least he could share a podium with her. And Dameron had to retire because of a brake issue.

Any Formula 1 driver dreams to win on the circuit of Monaco, which definitely held the status of most iconic and almost mythical round of the season. Track itself was the slowest and hardest of the World Formula 1 Championship, harder than Baku, because the margin of errors in the street of the principality was fatal. If you fucked up the qualifying, your race was long over, before it even would start. The incredibly narrow streets of Monaco made any kind of overtaking impossible. Nelson Piquet memorably described driving around Monaco as “like riding a bicycle around your living room” and Kylo couldn’t agree more. Despite that, this track provided a challenge that nearly all drivers love, forcing them to put their skills on the line and rewarding millimetric accuracy of the control of the car. Notably, the course included a tunnel. The contrast of daylight and gloom when entering and exiting the tunnel presented "challenges not faced elsewhere", as the drivers have to adjust their vision as they emerge from the tunnel at the fastest point of the track and brake for the chicane in the daylight.

Altogether, Monaco Grand Prix was the jewel of the crown of the Formula One calendar; an anachronistic throwback in the modern safety-conscious era which was only allowed to continue thanks to that whole exceptional location, glitz, prestige and glamour of the principality and disgustingly rich people who make it an annual fixture on their social calendars.

Kylo abominated this track, this round with all of his heart. Or rather, with the pieces of the heart he had. This whole splendor, the celebrities, stars, models, coming only to take selfies and ask the most idiotic things about cars (and rarely Kylo met any kind of celebrity that would actually watch F1).

He would watch the sunset over the waters of the Monte Carlo harbor, the yachts and just feel that hate – towards the rich, to that fakeness, that glamour - growing and growing, like a cancer.

Or maybe, he only hated himself.

More, on Friday, when he was getting ready for FP2, he heard a rumor, a rumor louder than thunder.

_Luke Skywalker came to Monaco to support his adopted daughter and nephew._

Kylo would see the scene of reunion of the happy family on the screens, when he ate in Mercedes FO hospitality. Rey looked too happy and part of him, just wished she just put on a show for cameras.

But part of him thought, that maybe, she doesn’t act.

And she doesn’t need him anymore.

[why would she?]

He was invited for press conference a day before, but all the questions he heard and replied seemed automatic and soulless. Of course he was focused on racing, he said. Of course his goal is to win the title, he added.

The only moment when he felt a bit comfortable was when he was putting his helmet on. Nobody could tell then what he was thinking.

Maybe even Snoke.

‘Congratulations on fastest-ever qualifying lap.’

Snoke’s eyes were on him, only on him, even if the room was full of other people. Kylo was happy that Palpatine usually didn’t took part in team briefings, because he wasn’t sure if he would stand those two men near him.

‘Car was perfect’ he replied dryly. ‘Driving was… a pure pleasure.’

He caught Hux’s gaze over the table, but at once looked at the team principal.

‘We have race tomorrow’ Snoke said. ‘1-2 in qualifying, however, the difference to lap time set by Király is only less than half of the second.’

Kylo could say, by just looking at Snoke that he was impressed. Even if he hid it. That’s partially why he thought that if he talked to him about getting Rey here and replacing Hux or even him, they would not only get a driver with a cosmic talent, but probably with the best sensing of the car.

Kylo knew she would beat him if she drove a Mercedes.

But tomorrow, Skywalker Ferrari would find a way to fuck up her race, one way or another.

And actually, they did.

For Kylo, 2010 Monaco GP was a rather… dull race. His strategy was to be just defensive against Hux. If Hux tried to overtake him, Kylo was just shutting a door behind him. The race saw one safety car, when one of McLarens hit the barriers, but for Kylo it was just too easy win. Another 25 points for him, he was leading the championship.

And Ferrari fucked up Rey’s pit stop.

Usually, there were two elementary F1 strategies called:

  * **undercut** – when the team makes an ‘intentional’ pit stop before your opponent (the guy you are racing against does).



_and_

  * **overcut:** the driver intentionally runs longer than their opponent, and still manage to gain enough of an advantage to come out ahead when the other driver eventually does a pit stop.



The general idea of undercutting is to make a pit stop just few laps earlier than the opponent car you are trying to pass. Immediately after your pit stop you have new tyres on, and because of this, you can expect to be able to set faster lap times than your rival with worn tyres. Consequently, if the difference in pace between you and the opponent car is large enough, the opponent will return to track behind you, after they make their pit stop. Very often the pivotal factor when considering undercutting is traffic. Undercutting requires one or more very fast paced laps between your and your opponents pit stops. Due to this, Kylo knew that undercutting may go wrong if a driver is stuck in a traffic right after the pit stop. Whether it’s lapped cars or cars in the same lap they will still slow you down and these might be the crucial tenths of the second a driver would need to get ahead when their opponent pits.

Overcut was the exact opposite of the undercut. It required running longer than your opponent in an attempt to

  1. a) reduce the number of pit stops in comparison to your opponent,
  2. b) maintain or gain enough distance that your opponent cannot overtake when you make the pit stop.



Overcut is not very furtive ,unless this strategy is performed on a very low tyre wear circuit (like Monaco for example) or in a wet start race where the drivers have the option to switch to intermediate tyres, and then to slicks, or go direct to slicks (and avoid the pit stop for inters).

But why he was even talking about that ? To even use the strategy , you gotta do a pit stop first. And when your crew has problems with putting wheels on and it costs a driver almost 40 seconds –

3 second pit stop in F1 is a slow one. So Kylo didn’t have to say what 40 second pit stop was.

In general, when he was later watching the replay of the race, he could see the frustartion of his mother, her hiding the face in her hands. Dameron ran in 3rd, losing 4 seconds to Hux. Rey, on the other hand, thanks to AMAZING teamwork provided by Clonweria Skywalker Ferrari, fell down to 11th place.

But she came back. Yes, she climbed back to get 5th place and title of the Driver of the day. But still, if not stupid mistake of her crew –

She would avoid it if only… she accepted his proposal.

[you should have kissed her.]

Champagne taste of nothing, his smile faded, when he realized that, once again and again. Prince Albert and Charlene who were giving the trophies smiled to the camera taking the pictures, but Kylo felt… he felt…

Nevermind.

Next round: Canada.

Two weeks between the Monaco and Canadian GP were just a fucking shitshow of anxiety and even more remorse. He gave one interview for one magazine, one photo shoot, but in general, it was always like that: restless nights, Rey smiling and fading in the darkness, her face twisted in pain and hate.

He wouldn’t surprised if she grew to hate him. He really wouldn’t.

[I would forgive you. Any time. I would beg for your forgiveness too.]

[kiss me,

Ben –

\- _please_ ]

Nothing was getting better.

Circuit Gilles Villenueve, where Canadian Grand Prix was held, has earned a relatively unique distinction. In the past it was one of the few circuits to host not only Formula 1, but also Champ Car, Grand Am and NASCAR races on the same layout and in the past, providing an interesting comparison between the various formulas. In 2013 this circuit was however reverted to being a Formula 1 host only.

Located on the man-made Île Notre-Dame in the middle of the St Lawrence River, the island was created for the 1967 Expo 67 World's Fair. Once the expo and the ensuing 1976 Montreal Summer Olympics had left town, it was decided to make a race track out of the island’s roads. And so, the Circuit Ile Notre-Dame, as it then was, came to be.

For Kylo, it was definitely one of the most interesting tracks on the racing calendar. He liked the specific – fast, low-downforce layout. The track was quite stop-start, with lots of heavy-braking chicanes and the famous hairpin to get the anchors working hard. Out of the corners, though, the track was quick and flowing, while the most iconic piece of the circuit comes right at the end of the lap: the Wall of Champions.

It was also the race his mother won, when she was still an F1 driver.

He woke up at 5:30 am – he could see the rays of sun soaking through the closed window’s lids. It was Thursday, but before he would head to the track for that senseless activities like shit load of new interviews, games – to make things worse, some “funny stuff” for media including Hux.

Definitely people wouldn’t find murdering Armitage Hux on the camera, but Kylo definitely would.

But before Kylo would join F1’s circus he definitely needed a run.

And like double-triple-four-something espresso.

He liked the fame that was brought with being an F1 driver, actually. He was popular, yeah. He had money. But also, people who weren’t that much interested in F1 would barely recognize him It was giving him that kind of anonymity, especially in America or Canada, that allow him, for example, go for a lone run.

He was just some guy, jogging. He could be called anything, like, John. Daniel. Maybe even Brandy.

He liked to just turn everything off – his thoughts, the world around him – and just focus on the rhythmic pace and voices of his podcasts’ hosts. He liked music, of course, but learning – about everything, from some YouTube users about their analysis of other drivers’ style, basic physics and even philosophy, helped him to tune out his own emotions.

And maybe, even stop thinking about Rey.

There was certain beauty about empty urban spaces; Kylo not without delight ran thought the solitary streets of old town of Montreal, more and more away from his hotel, looking at the old brownstones and Victorian houses; Kylo couldn’t help it, but to just breathe in the whole European aura around the borough he found himself in. The area was drowning in the green and virginia creeper. The sun shined through the trees and reflected in the plate glass and darkened windows of the cars parked by the sides of the streets. The whole city was still drowsy, sleepy, but the quiet murmur of the waking metropolis fused with the cry of the birds and sounds of people.

He jogged for a second in one place, before crossing the yellow walkway, when one car let him ran across. Kylo really had strong sense of déjà vu, that he was in this place before – but he wasn’t freaked out about this. Actually, he felt.. comfortable.

The park – Parc La Fontaine as he read on the sign – was almost empty, not counting one or two early joggers and a biker. Kylo would prefer running on normal ground than on hard asphalt, but he couldn’t decline that the morning here wasn’t actually something he needed.

The lake sparkled in the morning sun, but he didn’t stop to watch it and he kept running. He found his path to the bridge over the lake with the lamps at the opposites sides. He couldn’t even imagine how beautiful would be here in the evening. If he could, he would definitely take Rey here -

His thought made him stop suddenly.

What did he…?

‘ _Блядь_ ’ he said loudly and an older woman who just passed him with ridiculous poodle looked at him scared.

‘I’m sorry’ he said. Yeah, it was amazing to swear in Russian in bilingual city. ‘Ehh… _Je suis desul…desolee_?’

Woman looked at him and laughed softly.

‘Work on that accent, _mon beau_ ’ she replied. ‘It’s as harsh as sand paper. You definitely wouldn’t want to use it in the toilet.’

And after saying that, she just went on. Kylo for a moment just stood, stunned, thinking about her words.

‘Wow’ he whispered. ‘Okay.’

He pressed “play” on his playlist and at once cursed again. He definitely WON’T listen to _Heart_ by Pet Shop Boys, but of course his phone didn’t listen, when he desperately tried to skip the song.

Fuck it. He should be running and song is only a song.

_(Every time I see you something happens to me_

_Like a chain reaction between you and me –_

He tried so hard to not imagine Rey, to not remember her face. That day, the storm, the surreality of everything that happened seemed like a dream and like a dream it was long gone; yet, the regret didn’t fade away.

[There’s no day when I wouldn’t regret doing it.

I was so scared of loving you, because I knew this love would destroy me.]

How much her question, the fact that she seemed so honest with him, really willing to put the past behind made him feel so… so bare. Like, he felt vulnerable. And he hated it. He hated the fact for a second, he believed her. Would it be really that simple? No, never. But still, he had hope.

( _My heart starts missing a beat_ )

Did it mean she love him?

( _My heart starts missing a beat_ )

[he should have just kissed her]

And he said no.

So he ran further and further, like he could ran away from his thought and more regrets, into the park alleys. At some point, Kylo saw the long metal fence surrounding the tennis courts and he slowed down a bit.

The courts were empty, apart from one; even from a distance, Kylo could see two people: a young white woman and her companion, a black man, in the middle of their game. The sound of consecutive hits of the ball against racket’s strings was becoming stronger and louder, brutal even; reverberating through the air of the peaceful morning idyll.

Kylo stopped running and started stretching himself, watching the two players with growing interest; there was always beauty in motion – in watching the cars, but watching human bodies in motion was incomparable.

The woman grunted loudly, backhanding the especially fast shot; even from afar, Kylo could see the muscles on her arms and thighs, the way strands of her short hair escaped from the small ponytail –

( _If I didn't love you_

_I would look around for someone else_

_But every time I see you_

_You have the same effect_ )

The coldness of realization hit him. He stood up, stunned.

‘No’ he whispered.

On cue, the woman laughed, resting her hands on legs, breathing hard.

‘That was a cheap shot, you know, Finn!’ Kylo heard.

( _My heart starts missing a beat_

_My heart starts missing a beat_

_Every time_

_Oh oh oh, every time_ , Kylo heard in his one ear.)

It couldn’t be. Montreal had population of almost 2 million people. The possibility of him just now, running and seeing –

Rey.

( _Every time I hear your heart beat next to me_

_I'm in love with you_

_I mean what I say_ )

Rey swirled her tennis rocket in a smooth move; it was bad that he watched, the fact that even from the distance he could instantly recognize Rey was wearing shorts of Red Roses, because, as befits to be British to the bone, she was an ardent fan of football and rugby.

‘ _Finn_ , come on, I won this game!’ she said.

She said his name again. Finn. F-i-n-n. Kylo just hated the way her lips moved, pronouncing, _overpronucing_ it. Finn. Like, _Finn_.

**_Finn._ **

‘Are you sure?’ Finn replied. ‘I feel you were cheating, peanut.’

Kylo took a deep breath.

_Peanut?_

What kind of… what kind of nickname was it? PeAnUt? Like, what, a peanut butter? Maybe what, a pistachio? CASHEW NUT?

Kylo knew that the black guy, Finn, was Rey’s trainer, but like, wasn’t it like… too much? Of that fraternizing? After all, he was only her trainer, not like a friend or like, a, a –

His thought was cut off when Rey laughed.

The sound of it made something inside Kylo just die. She was never that happy with him, she never smiled as wide, she seemed like –

(I'm in love with you

And you don't know

What it means to be with you)

Kylo took out the ear buds and pursed his lips. One step back, two, he felt the strange anxiety washing all over him.

‘My dear, it’s not cheating. It’s called “successful exercise of loopholes”.’

Rey swirled her tennis racket once again, she looked so free, so carefree, not tensed and sad, like she always was around him.

She was glowing.

Kylo looked down. Rey’s laugh echoed in his mind.

‘So, another game and I’ll use the loophole’ she came to the net and extended her hand.

Finn squeezed it.

‘I’ll beat you.’

Finn whistled loudly.

‘Miss Király, you are a bold one.’

With that, Kylo turned around, feeling his face tense from… sadness? Anger? Regret?

Jealousy.

The sound of tennis ball dribble stayed with him long, even long after he ran further. Further away and stayed.

Same as Rey’s laugh. Her smile when she looked at her trainer.

That morning he ran 5 kilometers more than he should have. Without music. Or any podcasts.

It was the worst. Because coming back to the paddock would mean seeing her again.

And Kylo didn’t know if he can stand it.

‘If I wouldn’t know you, Ren, I would say you’re too focused to be actually focused.’

Kylo kept a poker face, when Hux sat on the other side of his table.

10 am. He was freshly showered after his run, hair wet.

‘The whole hospitality is full of empty table and you decided to join me?’ Kylo asked, not even looking at Hux, but still seeing him with the corner of his eyes.

Hux sighed theatrically and took off his team cap and placed it on the table.

Great. That meant he would stay.

GREAT.

‘Hey, you’ Hux, an asshole, called out the girl from the bar. ‘Get me an espresso. And for him, I don’t know, a Capri Sun?’

Kylo stopped himself from grunting at loud.

‘I prefer an axe to kill him’ he replied.

There was silence. Kylo looked up. Hux rose one of his too ginger eyebrows and glanced at him. The girl stared at them.

‘An axe…?’

‘I don’t mean axe… that deodorant, I mean axe like- ’ Kylo waved his hand, but stopped at once. ‘I mean, no, I didn’t mean –‘

‘Oh god, stop, you’re embarrassing yourself, Ren’ Hux whispered theatrically, but definitely he enjoyed it.

‘You’re whole existence is an embarrassment’ Kylo snapped. He closed his notebook. ‘Ugh, whatever, I’ll take a freakin’ Capri Sun.’

Hux looked at him surprised.

‘Wait, really?’

‘Oh yeah, really, What? Are you surprised?’ Kylo blurted out. ‘Did I stutter, Armie?’

Hux raised a finger at him.

‘Don’t call me Armie.’ He drawled.

‘Armie, Armie, Armie –‘

‘Your real name is fucking Benoit!’ Hux clapped back. ‘How do you even pronounce that? Benau? _Buna_? And from all the name you chose “KYLO” –‘

‘Says a chap called "Armitage"!’ Kylo gnarred.

Hux laughed.

‘Chap?! What are you, _British_?’

Now Kylo raised a finger.

‘Bloody h- _shut the fuck up_ , you… you carrot!’

‘Oh, carrot, amazing calumny, Ren. And thank you’ he said to the girl, who put his espresso next to his cap. Kylo watched the girl placing his Capri Sun; when he glanced at her, she at once looked away, abashed.

Amazing.

‘It’s her, right?’ Hux asked, when they were alone.

‘I have no idea who are you talking about’ Kylo replied.

‘The girl.’

‘I only know the girl worth fighting for’ Kylo whispered and at once regretted it.

 _Mulan_ was one of Rey’s favorite movies.

He looked at the paddock.

‘Don’t bullshit me, Ren. We both know it’s Reymont Király that occupies your mind. Like, all the time.’

Kylo took his Capri Sun.

‘And why do you care, Hux? She kicked your ass in the last race.’

He watched with satisfaction how Hux’s smile faded.

‘She got lucky, Ren’ Hux replied quietly. ‘Same as you.’

‘You call “lucky” having a talent? I’ve beaten your ass in karting and Formula 3.’

Hux rolled his eyes.

‘Check-mate’ Kylo whispered.

His teammate sighed.

‘You won. So, if you are so ill-mannered, the news that F1’s darling Reymont Király found herself a date for birthday gala don’t interest you.’

Kylo blinked.

‘Huh?’

Hux sipped his coffee.

‘So eloquent , Ren. “Huh”.

Kylo was speechless. Hux smirked at him.

‘Will you elaborate on that..? … _huh_???’

‘A date?’ Kylo choked out.

He remembered the morning , Rey with Finn.

Something twisted in his stomach.

‘What- what birthday gala?’

Hux laughed over his cup.

‘Oh god, you’re so lost’ he whispered. ‘So, so… _lost_.’

He stood up.

‘Enjoy your Capri Sun, Benwow.’

‘It’s Ren for you, you little ginger shit’ Kylo hissed. ‘You’re like… evil… Ed Sheeran.’

Hux froze and eyed him judgingly.

‘Work on your ripostes, Ren. But you would be quite… a comedian, I suppose.’

And with that, he left the hospitality. Kylo sat in silence for a moment, before going after him.

‘Hey, wait, Hux wait, HUX -’

Hux turned to him.

‘What?’

Kylo gulped.

‘How… how do you know that?’ he asked.

Hux blinked.

‘Know what?’

Kylo felt his eye twitch.

‘Don’t play the fool.’

‘Says the fool.’

‘How do you know that she will have a date?’

Hux crossed arms on his chest and tilted his head

‘It’s only a rumour, Ren, but as they say… rumour has to have it… _huh_?’

‘Huh you, seriously’ Kylo drawled.

‘So definitely you aren’t her date’ Hux replied. ‘I was wondering who got asked to accompany her, but no, you wouldn’t ask her.’

Kylo turned a deaf ear for that.

‘And we are invited?’ he asked. ‘For whatever that gala is…? Why I don’t know anything…?’

Hux stared at him.

‘Are you… for real? Are you living under the rock, Ren?’ he sid. ‘ _Ahsoka Tano’s_ birthday gala. All drivers are invited. So, unfortunately, you –‘

Hux fell silent. He stared somewhere behind Kylo.

‘Eh… huh… you, you… you as well’ Hux blinked several times and cleared his throat.

‘Are you okay?’

Hux laughed.

‘Don’t pretend you care.’

Kylo glanced over his shoulder. He only saw Rey’s spokeswoman, smiling wide while talking to some Skywalker Ferrari mechanic and a camera man unpacking his backpack.

‘And _you_ have a date?’ he asked, looking back at Hux.

Hux gulped.

‘Me?’

‘Yeah, you.’

Hux gave a small laugh.

‘I don’t do… dates, Ren’ he hissed. ‘I’m going alone.’

‘I need to go’ he added.

‘I mean –‘

‘We have like, meeting with engineers and Snoke… wanted us to check… telemetry.’

‘Of course, but –‘

But Hux didn’t listen; Kylo watched his teammate disappear in Mercedes FO box.

Why Hux acted so weird? Or was Kylo the one who was weird? And actually, did he care?

Rey had a date. For that surprise gala and Kylo felt like an idiot, because he should know – and now –

Was she going with _Finn?_

Kylo pursed his lips.

Racing. He will focus on racing. He won’t play her game.

But still, what if he would have kissed her?

Maybe he would be the one to go with _her_.

‘Stop it’ he whispered. ‘Stop.’

He had nothing, but only “what ifs”.

*******

_One, two, three, four –_

Thirty, thirty-one, thirty-two –

The rope was cutting the air with the sharpness of the knife. Rey breathed deeply, going faster and faster –

_Sixty-five, seventy-seven, eighty-one –_

‘Stop’ said Finn. ‘Now we will do the tennis balls.’

Rey threw the rope on the ground. The day was beautiful; the sun was shining, reflecting in the sharp edges of the teams trucks and the paddock was vibrating with energy.

Rey herself felt just… good. And ready. For the qualy today.

She had her suit stripped down to her waist and she could feel the rays of the sun through her fireproof white top. She prepared herself for the next warm up exercise, legs straddled.

‘One-two-three’ she heard.

And Finn dropped one ball; Rey caught it with her left hand and right away she had to catch the next one with right hand.

They repeated it for next five minutes; the exercise was supposed to enhance her attention and focus, same as her speed with which she reacted. All of that were crucial on track.

‘Amazing, Rey’ said Finn. ‘I think it’s all.’

Rey smiled widely.

‘Thank you.’

Finn shook his head.

‘It’s my job.’

‘I don’t mean that’ she said.

She came closer to him and hugged him.

‘Thanks for agreeing to go for that gala with me, even though… I know you would do anything to go with Poe.’

‘He goes with Rose’ he whispered.

‘You know he would love to say the truth about us.’

Finn sighed.

‘Maybe, but he doesn’t do it. And now go, you need to meet with your team, Rey.’

A minute later, she was jogging slowly to the Skywalker Ferrari box.

‘Rey, you’re here’ Holdo invited her. The mechanics were around car, putting the warmers on the tyres. ‘And I see you’re in excellent mood.’

Rey saw Leia watching the screed set up on the wall, which showed Kylo discussing something with his engineer. His face was all pale and blank, focused.

For a moment, Rey was breathless and –

She felt Leia’s eyes on her.

‘I am’ she replied. ‘I just want to get into the car and do my best.’

Holdo watched her and smirked, while looking at her tablet with data.

‘It’s good to see you finally happy’ she whispered. ‘And I’m definitely happy to see you finally where you belong.’

Rey’s smile didn’t fade, but for a moment – she felt the way it curls up hurts her. But she didn’t stop.

[You’ll always be better…. If not the best.]

She looked down and laughed.

‘Oh yes’ she whispered. ‘I know, I finally feel… I belong.’

Her voice was sugarcoated with lies.

*******

Q1. P1. 1:11.200.

Q2. P2. 1:11:141.

Rey looked at the screen, while the mechanics were changing the tyres.

Q3 would start in 2 minutes.

**P1. REN.**

She bit her lip.

She knew she can do it. Canada was a Ferrari track and she just couldn’t explain how, but she knew where and how to gain that hundredths.

Aunt Leia turned to her, sitting by the pit lane.

‘We are waiting for a green light’ Rey heard Kaydel via radio. ‘Last 10 minutes, I know you can do it.’

Rey could pride herself on being a well-rounded driver that sought balance between being aggressive and smooth. She knew that she also had that “it”. Some drivers had the speed, they were great at qualifying, but they could lose a lot of positions during the race. Others, on the other hand, had problems with qualy which resulted with them getting worse positions and being forced to make them up during the race and by so, wasting time and tyres.

Other drivers only performed well in the dry and finding the racing line in the wet was an insuperable obstacle. There was always “if you no longer go for a gap you are no longer a racing driver” mindset, but if you went for a gap that really didn’t exist, you were just ending crashing into your rival.

Luke always taught her that. Although Rey knew he was starting to be disillusioned with the new Formula 1. When he was racing, even when Leia was, he would say, there was not that much technology, no KERS or DRS. And halo? Her adoptive father knew it was a step in the right direction in terms of safety of racing, but Rey felt Luke definitely despises the whole glamour, the monetization of his beloved sport.

‘In 70s, 80s, even in 90s’ he would say. ‘If there was some rumors or news, fans would know a week or two later, by reading the newspaper. Now? Thanks to internet people will know when you sneeze. Racing drivers used to be seen as heroes, legends? But now, they are merely celebrity endorsers.’

Leia would reply that they can’t change that and all they can do is to play the game. But Rey thought about this too much, thinking whether she really was regarded as a driver or was she, as Luke said, a celebrity endorser.

During 80s and 90s, not mentioning 70s or 60s, how many drivers lost their lives? Rey wasn’t sure, but she was sure the number oscillated around 50. 2 every year, as Leia would say.

Last death in F1 was Kes Dameron’s one, back in 1999.

Life on the death, the thin racing line between life and death, the death and eternal glory.

She was honest with Kylo: she really was lost to the F1 world, she gave everything: her life, her youth, friendships to train, train and learn.

She also gave up Ben.

And she felt empty , so empty with another and another racing weekend when she was so close to _actually winning_. And she was left so close, but without this climax, left with only feeling of growing frustration.

She was finishing the out lap, before starting her first timing one. She would have, like, 3 laps and she knew that she really is capable of getting that pole position.

It was more than just wanting to prove herself. She wanted to smash it to all the bloody chauvinists’ faces and also, and most importantly, into Kylo’s face. She didn’t need Mercedes, Ferrari could have problems, but Mercedes wasn’t perfect.

And also, Canadian Grand Prix was the Leia’s only won race in F1. Luke could be Rey’s main racing mentor her whole life, but Rey actyally sent more time with Leia travelling and racing for the past few year. Ferrari could of course always want to win Italian Grand Prix as Monza was their home race, but Rey always has wanted to win Canadian Grand Prix as a homage to Leia.

And she knew that she had eyes of the whole F1 world watching her: the eyes of fans, teams, her rivals, Luke, Leia that and eyes of one of her idols, Ahsoka Tano, who was seen in the paddock before the qualifying, but Rey had no chance to talk with her.

She let one of the Alfa Romeos through, the traffic was the worst what could happen. She knew she can do it, she knew it.

She used the kerbs, she felt the balance of the car. She didn’t have to look at the steering wheel: her thumbs and fingers would change the gears automatically, she felt like she was in trance.

Turn 1, Turn 4. Brakes, brakes, accelerate, brakes.

‘Fastest first and second sector, Rey. You’re purple, push, push’ Kaydel said through the radio.

Rey could go faster. She knew it. She could feel the g-forces in her neck. She was seeing the best racing line like in the F1 game. It was easy too easy, she just felt as one with her SF19 . She found handling F1 car was actually a lot easier than driving an F2 one: they lacked the speed, the smoothness of the F1 machinery. She passed a black Mercedes into the next turn.

There was always a misconception that a racing driver looked ahead focused on the road.

Racing drivers were looking ahead, at the next corner.

Rey was looking ahead.

One, two laps – she didn’t feel the pressure, she was just doing her job.

She crossed the line, when the steward was waving a chequered flag and slowed down.

‘That’s P1, Rey, that’s a… P1!’

Rey heard the clasps and cheerful shouts. She shouted too, definitely not _like a lady_ , but god –

‘YEEES!’

‘Rey, wonderful job! New lap record!’

‘Oh god, it feels so good’ Rey said via radio. ‘Oh, god, thank you so much, car was just… ideal.’

She slowed down, driving by Senna turns, by grandstands full of people.

It did feel so, so good.

She missed that feeling of getting a pole and more – to get her first ever pole position in Formula 1. And if she extorted it from Ren’s hands, the better.

She stopped the car before the board with “1” number. While she was undoing her safety belts , HANS and taking out her steering wheel, before getting out of cockpit, she could notice one black Mercedes parking next to her.

Rey took off her helmet and balaclava, fixing her hair. She put them on the car’s bodywork. She took a deep breath and put one of the stands of her hair behind her ear.

‘Thank you’ she said when Rose gave her the team cap.

‘Excellent work, Rey’ she said. ‘That was… a perfect lap.’

In racing, there was no “perfect lap”, but Rey nodded.

‘Thank you, Rose’ she replied. She put on a cap on and turned around.

She found Kylo, just five steps away from her: his hair was as damp as hers, but still curling in that ridiculously luscious way. His face glistened with sweat and cheeks were rosy. He was breathing heavily, lips agape -

Rey held her breath.

Kylo looked at her, at first briefly, but she saw his lips froze mid-word and eyes locking on her.

[Ben could love you, but I don’t.]

Rey titled her head and smiled.

And then, she turned her back on him.

*******

Race day. 7th round of the 2019 FIA Formula One World Championship.

Today was the race day and after it, like the world really wanted to punish Kylo for everything, in the evening, that freaking birthday gala.

Ahsoka Tano. Of course Kylo knew her, but he really was mad he found out about it just now. And more, that he found about it from Hux. Maybe they told him and he just didn’t pay enough attention? It could be. But he didn’t want to admit that and more, asking Snokovich about it would be humiliating.

Kylo really was grateful that he didn’t have to think about what he should wear. So he tasked Mitaka with the job of getting him his triple espresso, but also a suit. Of course, Hugo Boss one, because it was Mercedes’ sponsor.

‘Tie or… a bow tie… sir?’ asked Mitaka and, at once, looked like he regretted it. They were in his hotel room and Kylo sat at the edge of the unmade bed.

‘I mean, bow ties are cool’ replied Kylo.

He sighed deeply.

Whole Britization – or should he say “Britisation”? - was real. He really just quoted Eleven from _Doctor Who_. Because, of course, Rey loved this show.

‘So a bowtie?

‘No… I mean… tie?’ Kylo wasn’t sure.

‘So, a tie…?’ Mitaka asked after.

Kylo took a deep breath.

‘And what would look better?’ he said.

Why did he care? Okay, he knew why he _cared_. And he hated it. Because he only could think that Rey really would go with another guy and whether he liked it or not, that thought was killing him.

‘You’re asking me what would look… better… sir?’ his assistant seemed stunned.

Kylo looked up to him. Mitaka probably tried to smile or maybe he got a stomach ache, Kylo wasn’t sure, but he actually felt he wasn’t looking any better.

‘Yeah’ he concurred.

Mitaka blinked and started coughing.

‘Pardon me, sir… but… I think you would look presentable? In both ways. Tie, bow tie, tie bow –‘

‘Bow tie then it is’ Kylo cut him off.

‘O-okay.’

Kylo stood up.

‘And in… 15 minutes we’re supposed to get to the track’ Mitaka added, checking the schedule on his tablet.

‘Thank you. That’s all.’

‘Thank you, sir… I’ll do my best, suit will be waiting for you at 6. And… a groomer too.’

‘Thank you.’

Mitaka nodded. He was just leaving the room, when –

‘Stop… please’ Kylo said.

His assistant froze.

‘Y-yeah?’

Kylo gulped.

‘I want to… apologize if you felt… I treated you like shit’ he said quietly. ‘Last weeks… were hard. And you and the team work hard. I’ll make sure you will get a raise from next month.’

Mitaka blinked, surprised.

‘What-wait, really?’

‘Just leave me the fuck alone!’ Kylo yelled. ‘I’ve said what I said!’

With the door slamming, Kylo sat on the edge of the bed.

He took a deep breath.

‘I hate… her’ he whispered. ‘I just…’

[He should have kissed her.]

But he didn’t.

Five hours later, he was sitting in the cockpit. The last minutes before the race.

He tried not to ogle to much at the red car standing in front of him. He knew he can win this race, even, even if Rey just did some abracadabra shit and magic upped the best qualifying lap he saw.

God, Kylo was jealous. Not actually of only her husband-to-be-fuck-you-  
Finn, but of the fact that she could drove a Mercedes and be a world champion and she was choosing a Ferrari.

They could make it their own team. He knew that he would make a better team principal than Snokovich and Palpatine was an old prick.

She could have it all. She would only have to accept his offer.

Kylo saw Rey, getting inside the cockpit. She, of course, ignored him, she was doing it on purpose. Kylo would bet that she had to do it on purpose, just for the sake of making him go crazy.

And what if she didn’t, some part of his mind questioned his logic.

What if she really moved on?

(You should have juts kissed her when she asked you.)

Formation lap.

He should focus on racing. However, when he had a red fucking car, a red rag just in front of him, he just… felt like he would head butt someone.

He should have been in the zone, focused only on the race.

He warmed up his tyres, watching closely the Ferrari in front of him.

In F1, probably the most important and strategic point of the race was the start. And first turns. How many times a driver’s race was finished there, long before it even started, because of the crash with other rival? Getting the best start was crucial.

Kylo heard that Ferrari brought new upgrade to their engines for this round, so he knew that if he won’t overtake Rey and she will get the advantage, he would have a big problem. Rey was a great defender and sometimes – and he didn’t want to admit that, but he was doing it just now – overtaking her was impossible, back then when they raced together. Of course, circuit had three DRS zones that made overtaking easier, but still.

‘All cars are on their positions’ he heard his race engineer.

The engines of 20 cars revved into the sky and Kylo was sure the whole Montreal could hear it. Only seconds were separating them from letting these beasts out.

One light, two lights.

[he felt his heart slows down]

Third light.

[even eye blink seemed too slow]

Fourth light.

[he glanced at the car ahead of him

He would give anything to know what Rey was thinking now

Fifth light

[Kylo held his breath]

_Silence._

He didn’t hear anything: his heart, the engines, _nothing._

And the lights were out.

_The race has begun._

*******

Chaos. This race was just pure chaos and Rey was on the edge of the breakdown.

CHAOS.

She maintained the lead, albeit Kylo right away drove to her and tried to squeeze her at first turn. But she managed to drive away, but god, the race was just pure chaos. She didn’t know exactly what happened, but she was pretty sure one Red Bull was squeezed between two other cars and she could see the yellow flag in sector one. She focused on leading the race and extending her gap.

She could see Kylo in her mirros, following her like a shadow.

‘Good, Rey, Ren, 1.880 behind you, you’re doing great’ Kaydel said. ‘Focus and push, _push_.’

The sun was merciless: the air was so hot and Rey felt the sweat under her racing suit, fireproofs and gloves. Leading the race was actually harder than following the lead, but Rey led races before: in F3 and F2.However, driving in the hot air of slipstream could cause engine overheating. Rey knew she has to be focused and flawless, because Mercedes, Kylo would use any mistake she would make.

‘Rey, double yellow flags in sector one.’

‘What happened’ Rey asked. She was just entering the start-finish straight. She saw an orange McLaren pulling over to the side of the pit exit, which, for Rey’s quick glance, looked like it had a broken right-rear suspension.

It turned out, five laps later that the problem was connected to overheated brakes, which burnt right through the suspension, as Kaydel informed her. Rey found it terrifying. Engine breaking, using MGU-K in that weather was actually punishing. Fortunately, no safety car was deployed, so Rey could comfortably extend her lead and started lapping the Williams in 19th place.

‘Fastest lap, Rey, Ren is 2.423 seconds behind you.’

‘Green flags’ Rey replied. ‘Track is clear. Where’s Poe?’

‘P3, 4.230 seconds behind Ren.’

Extending her lead over Kylo and rivals was the critical part of the strategy. Going into the pits already was taking out like, 20-25 seconds of her race.

‘Push now, push now’ Rey heard at the lap 25. She needed to pit definitely, she could feel the wheel spinning in the traction zones when she was coming out of the slow corners. She once almost missed the apex.

‘Box, box.’

Rey came into the pits and slowed down in the pit lane. She stopped in her place. Team cornered her. She felt she’s being raised up, she heard the sound of the wheels gun – her used medium tyres were gone in a second, changed for hard compound and the green light was on.

She got out of the pits, seeing the other Mercedes approaching, but she left the pit before it.

‘They will keep Ren on the track as long as they can’ Kaydel informed her. ‘Push now, Rey.’

But Mercedes pitted Ren on the following lap, and now Poe was leading the race, until he pitted.

Rey was again the race leader.

For next laps, Ren actually managed to get closer and closer. Rey absolutely hated the kerb at turn 9, it was the worst part of the race – but also, she fucking knew Ren is behind her and if he will be in the range of less than one second he could use DRS and overtake her.

‘Are the numbers on the steering wheel correct?’ she asked, glancing down. She worried about the brakes – the track had over 50 Celcisus and she didn’t want to share the fate of her McLaren colleague.

‘The numbers on the steering wheels are correct’

Rey felt breathless .

‘Ren is 0, 5670 behind you.’

So he was closing on her.

_Never._

Turn one, turn two, Rey was breathing hard. She will be perfect, she will be flawless, she will make no mistakes, but she could easily recognize the maneuvers. She knew them so well, because hours spent on karting track were like hurtful flashbacks, the memories she wanted to bury deep.

‘He’s pressuring me’ Rey said. ‘He’s pressuring me and –‘

It was only a moment, a split of the second of inattention. The back of her car just didn’t stick to the track; Rey went too hard into the chicane on turn three and felt strongly, in the depths of her body , when she ran on the grass. She at once returned to the track seeing Kylo in her rear mirror, who was forced to brake to not to crash into her.

She drove on. She lapped a backmarker, but her heart beat so fast.

She felt… unbalanced.

Her car felt unbalanced.

God, she fucked up, she fucked up -

‘Twenty laps to go. You’re under investigation for turn 4 accident.’

Rey held her breath.

She knew it.

She just _f-u-c-k-i-n-g_ knew it.

She passed the Wall of the Champions, her thoughts racing.

The stewards couldn’t give her a penalty or could they? She had no way of rejoining the track other way. Was she supposed to just _let_ Kylo _pass her_? It was racing _, they were racing!_

But she made a mistake, she couldn’t deny it.

‘Fastest lap, Rey. You’re on engine mode 1.’

‘Thank you’ she breathed.

They couldn’t let Mercedes FO win again. They had to break their dominance.

Rey was still leading the race, she just made one mistake. Of course, one mistake which could destroy her race. But what else could she do?

And it was Canadian Grand Prix.

Leia’s race.

‘Ren said you rejoined the track dangerously.’

Rey didn’t reply. She pressed her lips into thin line.

Turn 5, 7, 10, straight, turn 11, 14 -

Lap 55 _, 56, 57 –_

'We have a five-second time penalty for unsafe re-entry and forcing Ren off the track’ Kayel said after a while.

Just hearing it made Rey break out in a cold sweat.

‘Head down, head down.’

5 seconds.

_5 seconds._

‘I had nowhere to go’ Rey replied, fighting the car at the next turn. ‘Seriously, I had nowhere to go. I didn’t see him!’

‘Copy’ she heard Kaydel.

Oh god!

Rey couldn’t believe it! She just couldn’t believe it!

She lapped the Williams third time this race, but god! 5 seconds penalty. What did they want her to do? To double her gap to more than five seconds? Or to avoid the penalty, by just letting Ren go?! She had nowhere to go! It was unfair! Unfair!

‘When you go through the grass and come back you have an amazing grip!’ she said. ‘Where was I supposed to go? I hadgrass on my wheels! He decides to go that way, if he got to the inside, he would go past me!’

She drove in Senna turns, feeling the rage rising inside her. It was unfair, she didn’t have the full control of the car, god, were the stewards fucking blind?!

‘OK, stay focused. Copy that, but stay focused. 10 laps to go.’

Ten laps to go.

Ten laps?!

‘I am focused, but they are stealing the race from us!’ she was outraged.

 _They’re stealing the race from me_ , she thought.

She wanted so much to win this, not again. She was so mad, after Bahrain, after Monaco – and now!?

She couldn’t blame anyone, but only herself, but what the fuck stewards were thinking!? Unsafe re-entry of the track, yeah, fuck off!

‘Rey’ she heard Leia on the radio. ‘Focus. You have the chance on doubling your gap.’

Rey shook her head.

Non-existent chance. They had a new engine, but it was impossible.

‘Copy that’ she replied bitterly.

She imagined Kylo and whole Mercedes FO laughing. Because they did it again – she knew she would fight for extending the lead, but wasn’t it a lost cause already? Ferrari could have a good engine, but it wasn’t Mercedes. Rey could defend and manage to have 1,5 second lead over Kylo, but now at the end of the race – not adding that Ren’s tyres were fresher by two laps than hers – she was getting slower.

She knew she would cross the line as first, but not as the winner.

_Ironic._

She felt the bile rose in her throat when she was crossing the turn 3-4 chicane.

One mistake. It was only one mistake.

‘Poe is 8 seconds behind you’ she heard. ‘Push.’

Yeah, of course, she could even lose P2.

‘They are boxing Hux for the fastest lap. Push now.’

She wanted to push Ren into the wall. And then the stewards.

Definitely not like a lady.

She was just mad.

Madder than the time Kylo came with the roses. She felt she wants to set whole track on fire and laugh maniacally like Stitch.

When she rejoined the track, she still had locked tyres, she wasn’t fully in control!

_Last lap._

‘Push, Rey. Push.’

Turn 1, turn three, Rey had a feeling she’s going through the dream-maze. She was that tired, she felt she reached the point where her tiredness became so overpowering and unlimited.

Straight, the next turn.

_Final corner._

She drove through the finishing line, seeing a steward waving the chequered flag.

She was first.

But she didn’t win.

‘No, no, no. I cannot be like that. Not like that, no, _no, no’_ she whispered as she slowed down. ‘Seriously, you need to be _an absolute blindman_ to think that you can move through the grass and then control your car! I was lucky I didn’t hit the wall! Where the hell was I supposed to go? This is a wrong world. I’m telling you, this is _not fair_.’

She pulled her car down the pits. She knew she’s doing bad, but for her – it was the right thing to do.

‘ Great crowd. Great race. Grazie Ragazzi’ she stopped her car, but she was still talking via radio. Two track marshals came to her. ‘Thank you and… I’m sorry.’

She heard Leia’s voice.

‘Rey, you won the race. You win the race on track, that’s more important to us, for the team. We appreciate your effort. Keep your head down and stay calm.’

Rey shook her head.

‘I’m not staying calm’ she said. ‘This wasn’t fair. I’m angry and I think you know why. I have a right to be angry, I don’t care what people will say.’

She unfasten her safety belts and took out the steering wheel. Then she came out of the cockpit and after that put steering wheel back in. The other drivers passed her when she started pushing her car back , track marshals helped her, or tried, but in the end she was pushing her car alone, tired, so tired, but she was so mad and that anger was a fire blazing inside her– she pushed her car back, and back to the pit lane.

She knew the procedure, she should have gone straight to the parc ferme. But she didn’t want to talk, she didn’t want to see Ren – it was her win.

Rey left her car and went straight to FIA garage.

‘You need to go to the parc ferme’ two FIA workers told her.

She shook her head.

She was having none of it. She went further and further, through the FIA garage , knowing full well she is being followed by a camera man. She pushed the door and entered the paddock full of people from other teams.

Rey started to take her gloves off, walking and walking, further and further. She made her way straight into the Ferrari hospitality, now completely empty.

It was _her_ win.

She _won_ this race.

But Rey felt she disappointed Leia.

And more, she wasn’t acting _like a lady._

But she couldn’t bring herself to act like one anymore.

‘Rey!’ Rose found her. Rey removed her helmet and balaclava.

‘I don’t want to come back there’ she said.

Rose shook her head.

‘If you won’t go, you will face another penalty’ she said. ‘I know you don’t want to go, but you… have to.’

Rey looked; she could see a FIA worker waiting outside the Ferrari hospitality.

‘They will start podium, we have some time’ said Rose. ‘Please, Rey. You will regret not doing it, I know you.’

Rey gulped. Would she really regret it?

People thought they knew her.

But nobody did.

But still, it was a matter of convention. She already messed up.

She stood up. Rose looked at her, waiting.

‘Okay’ she replied.

Rey went out of the hospitality, her head high. She went straight for the closes passage to the parc ferme – that is to say – Mercedes FO garage.

She passed the silver walls, another Mercedes FO employee, who looked at her, surprised. She was – of course - being followed once again by the camera man. She turned left and came to the team’s empty decision room, because, oh , of course, Snokovich never watched the race from the pit wall, but the garage. Now nobody was here – they were in parc ferme, celebrating their stolen victory.

She came into the full sun, to the round of loud applause. She waved at the grandstands, not smiling and made her way to parc ferme. Another two camera men rounded her. Amilyn Holdo – the splash of Ferrari red in the sea of white and black – came to her.

‘Be proud’ she head and she patted her on the shoulder. ‘Whatever happened, we are with you. You did a stellar job today. You have a heart of steel.'

She patted her again and smiled at her. Rey nodded.

‘Thank you’ she said – and she kept on walking.

She waved again and now made her way into the parc ferme. Circuit employees were showing her to go up, to the podium, but Rey stopped and glanced sideways.

Black Mercedes and Red Ferrari stood by the boards of first and third place. “Her” place – with only a #2 board indicating that there should have been a car parked there – was empty.

Rey took a deep breath.

She turned toward the cars and went straight to them. She grabbed the #2 board and put it in front of Ren’s car.

And then she moved the #1 board to her empty space.

She froze for a second, catching a breath, then looked up.

Her ears were bleeding with loud applause, whistles of the fans.

The right thing to do, she thought. She was the winner and she won’t let them forget it.

She smiled widely as she waved once again, going to the door leading to the podium.

Rey knew everybody saw what she has done.

And most importantly, Kylo Ren saw it too.

* * *

So, if you’re like, wow. This race was pretty chaotic and that board swap Rey did? Wow, that was so cool. But nah, it wouldn’t ever happen in real life, in a real race, it's impossible, _come on_ –

Oh IT DID HAPPEN, Y’ALL. IT HAPPENED AND IT IS ONE OF THE MOST EPIC SCENES I’VE EVER SEEN IN F1. 

**_Sebastian_ fuckin' _Vettel,_**

I want to say that the race I’ve described here was actually a _real one_. I made some changes and race was mainly like Rey's POV (but yes, Lando Norris' McLaren really caught fire from the overheated brakes) but yes, you can see the gifs. Sebastian Vettel did THAT. And everyone went nuts. I WENT NUTS, MY GF WENT NUTS. It’s still one of the most badass moves I've ever seen and my gf and me knew we have to put this race in the story. Vettel, like Rey, lost his win due to the incident with Lewis Hamilton and I’m showing the gif showing the whole incident (so you can imagine it better).

Yes, that's the move that costed Vettel and Rey's a 5 seconds penalty and, by so, a _win_.

FIA? Nah, I only know maFIA.

If you are intrested in watching this well, classic race by now - here it is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jO8i5DQdzPQ

I totally didn’t rewatch it while writing the race part, ya know. I’m not that crazy.

[I totally did]

The podcast Kylo listens too is also the real one. It's called "Philosophize This!" hosted by Stephen West and I recommend it so so much. Check it out. 

But yes, this chapter was amazing to write. I enjoyed Kylo and his Montreal run, his angst (oh you should have kissed Rey, idiot), Rey’s behaviour (girl is getting her confidence back). Hux and Kylo, do I need to say more? They are an amazing comedic duo. And Mitaka (guy plays Uther in “Cursed” lol) . Sorry for fangirlin’ guys, but I just loved writing this mega-mega chapter and when I think about next chapters I get even more excited.

But yes, thank you all, for reading this and leaving comments and likes. It means the world to me and if you all wait for the next chapter of this story I’m so happy.

If you have any F1-related question or you are wondering why any of characters acted in that way, you can write to me. I’ll try to explain. There was massive F1-lingo stuff already in the chapter, so I'll leave it.

So, I'm posting here the edit I've made for the cover of this story, too. I hope you will like it. Definitely I'll make a second one, but tell me if you like the cover concept ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So guys, if you wanna follow me on Insta or tumblr, you can find me here. I post most of my drawings, some writing there and if you wanna talk to me, I'm like active all the time ;)
> 
> https://www.instagram.com/agprosinska/  
> http://redbullmocktails.tumblr.com
> 
> Stay safe, y’all. Sendin’ ya love and hugs. See ya next chapter!


	17. Chapter 16: The Dance of the Binary Stars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I’m so excited to share with you the new chapter of “driven”! It was amazing to write, hard yeah, but god, I cannot wait for you to read it. 
> 
> But before we start, as always, I want to thank my wonderful gf, Lizzy, who requested this fic. She’s the love of my life and nothing makes me truly happy as making her happy. She’s the one who helps me write it, we discuss the scenes together, she reads everything first. She always believes in me and I’m more than grateful to have a woman like her by my side. 
> 
> I want to thank my beta reader, Dot, who always reads the new chapters and corrects my mistakes. I actually feel I get better at writing and her corrections thanks to her! And her suggestions are so so hopeful. She’s a wonderful friend! Thank you, Dot <3
> 
> I’m also fine, I have some problems with internet so I hope this hoe of a bitchy modem will work properly, because I need it to write, ugh. Seriously, there’s nothing new in my life? I mean, my eyes are okay? Somehow I don’t need a new glasses after 4 years and I thought I’m getting blind? 
> 
> (so you’re saying love has blinded you?)
> 
> God, no prequel memes, I can’t. 
> 
> But in general, I just need to eat more and that’s a problem, but like, I’m okay. 
> 
> I won’t write here what’s happening in Poland, but if you can, check. LGBT community here needs help and just ugh, the whole situation is a pure nightmare. I’m trying to be positive, but all I have is denial. So I beg you, please be responsible, wear mask, gloves, disinfect hands. Call out people who aren’t following health guidelines. Just, I know we all want to get back to normal, but this is the new normal. Covid is real, people and it kills people. 
> 
> I’m sending you all my love and hugs. Dark times are upon us, but I hope that this story cheers some of you up during this pandemic. I want to make you laugh, mae you forget. Writing it definitely helps me.
> 
> So, my dear readers, as always I’m posting here links to the videos my gf made for this story: 
> 
> So, as always, I’m putting here the videos she made for this story:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4T816WuZVvw  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0JchcXdyDj0&feature=youtu.be
> 
> She also made the graphic for this chapter and god, I love it. But less than I love her.
> 
> I’m also posting the songs:  
> 1\. Prince – The Beautiful Ones (normal version and the orchestral one you can find here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L4ldtkIJ2bU)  
> 2\. Lana del Rey – Off to the Races (this video made by Rey of Jakku: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T3Ghm7dnpDc )  
> 3\. Britney Spears – Gimme More (don’t judge me it slaps)  
> 4\. Ariana Grande – God is a Woman (this remix: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2skgKgg4hgg)  
> 5\. J2 [feat. Keeley Bumford] – Closer (this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iItdorcPMAQ)
> 
> So, guys, I hope that you’ll like this chapter! It was a blast writing it ;)

> I have sharp teeth inside my mouth,
> 
> Inside my dark red lips
> 
> And lacquer slickly hides the claws
> 
> In my red fingertips
> 
> So I conceal my armoury,
> 
> Yours is all in view.
> 
> You think you are possessing me –
> 
> But I’ve got my teeth in you.
> 
> ― Angela Carter, _Unicorn_

‘Side or center parting?’

Kylo swallowed hard. The whole table in his hotel room was encumbered with stuff the stylist was using now: some foundation, concealer, hair conditioner and mousse.

He could see her hesitation, when she saw the deep scar on the side of his face. He waited for her to ask anything, if he wants it to be covered somehow. They always did, at some point, even if not by using words per se.

But the stylist said nothing.

Kylo could say she was good at her work: after washing his hair, she methodically put the minimal, natural make up, covering bags under his eyes, some old discoloration of his skin and fainted acne scars. Kylo usually hid it under bb cream he used daily, but there was certain esthesis of intimacy of another person touching his face.

He thought about his mother touching his face and the relief associated with it. How paper-like her skin felt like, so different from his memories. Kylo was actually scared, seeing his mother from such close up; he was used to seeing her face, but her face would be made out of pixel of his laptop, TV screens. His mother became Leia Organa, Team Principal of Skywalker Ferrari, someone distant and abstract. He didn’t see the new wrinkles on her face, the white strands in her hair. Kylo came close and saw she was made of flesh and blood and more, he could see the time not only left its mark on him, but on her too.

Rey touching his face, cupping it. How delicate she was, yet, he knew how strong these fingers were, how fast to change gears on the steering wheel or clenching on the pull up bars or weights. Rey also had changed during past few years and he was forced to accept it; the softness of her face yielded to the sharp lines of her cheekbones, jaw line, nose. And he really felt bad, because – part of him wanted so badly to come back, to be part of Skywalker family, but other knew that his sins and decisions wouldn’t let him go back.

And definitely not Snoke.

And also part of him knew that by coming back he would need to leave part of himself, model himself into someone he didn’t want to be. Or maybe – his mother really was honest with him, maybe he wouldn’t need to do that.

And now, Rey definitely hated him.

It’s been so long since he was touched by another person. He was used to photo shoots, of course. But he sat still, when the stylist was delicately combing and modeling his hair, when inside him he was feeling so vulnerable, so unbalanced. The adrenaline from race that finished just two hours ago now made him feel so tired, so exhausted.

He was already dressed partially in his evening suit: only missing pieces were the bowtie and suit jacket.

‘Side or center parting? What would suit me better?’ Kylo asked, voice bland.

The stylist – he would say she was in her late 30s, maybe early 40s – froze, hearing his question.

‘Wait, let me think’ she said.

He let her raise his chin up to her – but even sitting he still was equal to her height.

The woman studied his face and Kylo, at first tired to stand her gaze, but after two, three seconds looked away.

‘I think we should comb it back’ the stylist said after a while. She let his face down.

Kylo took a deep breath.

‘You have interesting facial bone structure, high forehead and nice lips, I’ve never seen a face like yours before. It would be a shame to try to hide it with side parting. ‘

Nice lips, oh god.

Did Rey consider his lips as nice?

Why did he think about that?

‘Thank… you?’ he said.

‘If I made you uncomfortable, I’ve said it purely as an artist. Didn’t mean to make you feel that way.’

‘I do understand’ Kylo replied. ‘I’m just… surprised?’

The stylist nodded.

‘To be honest, I don’t watch Formula 1.’

‘Oh, really?’ Kylo wasn’t surprised, but that made him relaxed. It felt good, actually.

‘I mean, I’m trying to kinda figure you out now’ The stylist was combing his hair, so delicately. ‘Don’t worry, I’m doing it with all of my clients. Like, what country you represent or at least what country are you from.’

‘And what do you think?’ Kylo asked.

The stylist laughed quietly.

‘You sound like you’re American, but not altogether. I would say you’re German or Dutch raised in Canada or England.’

German or Dutch? Wow that was a really bold guess. He really sounded like a Dutch guy?

‘Ты уверена в этом?’ Kylo asked suddenly. ‘Что если я из России?’

The stylist froze.

‘ _La vache_ , that’s a first time when I really got it that wrong’ she whispered. ‘You’re Russian?’

‘Vielleicht bin ich Deutscher’ he added.

The woman gasped.

‘No, don’t do this!’

Kylo couldn’t help it, but he laughed.

‘I’m American, a Texan’ he specified. ‘I was raised in England. I’ve learned Russian though, sorry for messing with you. My team principal’s Russian, team’s German. I couldn’t miss that chance.’

‘Close your eyes’ she said. ‘But yeah, for a moment you got me. I got lost.’

She started spraying the hairspray.

‘So I was kinda right’ he heard. ‘I’ve never talked with an F1 driver so I hope you don’t find me ignorant.’

‘No actually’ Kylo replied. More hairspray. It was better to admit you didn’t know anything than pretending that you knew something like some celebrities did.

‘You won today’s race, right?’

And in that way, his kinda-okay relaxed mood went straight into shit.

‘I didn’t win’ he whispered.

The bile started rising in his throat.

‘I don’t understand’ he heard.

He opened his eyes and took a deep breath.

‘It was… a bit of… shits… maelstrom today’ he started. ‘Penalty was given to another driver that led the race for rejoining the track in bad way. 5 seconds… and she –‘

‘She?’

Kylo bit his lip.

‘Yes, she’ he replied quietly. ‘She crossed the line as first, but… didn’t win.’

The stylist stopped modeling his hair.

‘Oh that bad, actually. I bet she didn’t like it.’

‘No, actually nobody did’ he admitted.

‘If I can say something, can I?’

Kylo frowned.

‘Yeah, go on.’

‘I don’t know what exactly happened, but knowing there’s a woman in F1 sounds wonderful.’

‘She deserves to be there’ Kylo replied mechanically.

The stylist looked at his face – not to seek answers, but to see her work. She was silent, but Kylo could feel the question she would say at loud -

‘Do you think she deserved that penalty?’ she asked.

Her brown eyes fell on his. Kylo could feel his face tense – under the layers of concealer and foundation - but he couldn’t cover his scar and eyes.

‘I’m not the one to make… that decision’ he confessed quietly. ‘It’s all the stewards… the stewards… they are the ones that decide. And she…. She really rejoined the track in dangerous manner, but I also think –‘

Kylo fell silent. He felt so stupid, talking about it out loud, with a complete stranger.

‘What do you think?’

He wasn’t used to that. He wasn’t used to people asking what he thinks. It was different, when he was asked by the reporters, by the mechanics. He wasn’t asked what he thinks, but what he thinks about _the car_ , about _the race_ , about _the free practice_. It was purely professional, impersonal.

‘I don’t think… it was fair, to be honest’ he whispered. ‘There was no way she would avoid it. I would do the same if I were her. It should be labeled as a racing incident, not as… a penalty.’

And that way, he felt he’s back at Circuit Gilles Villeneuve. The events that happened just hours ago felt so faded, so distant.

Kylo remembered coming back to parc ferme, after the race and seeing Dameron’s car already there. He parked in front of #1 sign.

It felt so wrong.

So, so wrong.

He really didn’t win that race and yet, he was here, called “the winner”.

Dameron didn’t even look at him; Kylo went to his team. If he could thank someone, it was definitely them – they worked their asses off day and night and they worked to make this car the best. He got all hugged by them, he was happy, but this win -

One, two minutes passed.

And Rey wasn’t coming.

‘Kylo, congratulations, we have to congratulate all three drivers on the podium, it was a SENSATIONAL RACE, but also brutal, so congratulations on the victory, but we have to talk about the incident between you and Rey.’

Of course they have to.

Kylo could see Poe walking, holding his helmet with HANS device connected same as balaclava.

Rey wasn’t coming.

‘Firstly, I want to thank my team for car today, they worked so hard, but it’s not the way, absolutely not the way I wanted to win’ he said.

‘Rey went straight to the stewards to talk about it’ the reporter said.

Oh god, thought Kylo. What was she doing?

But also, did he expect anything else from Rey?

‘She’s not here at the moment. She said she was busy collecting her car back, trying not to crash after driving in the grass.’

‘That’s…’ Kylo said and fell silent.

His mouth was just millimeters from the microphone and he knew – he felt eyes of Snoke even here.

He knew he has to lie.

‘That’s her opinion’ he started. ‘I had to take the corner. Normally, when you come back to the track you aren’t supposed to go straight back to the racing line’ he explained. ‘But safely, and I think that’s why –‘

‘And you had a tricky day today, mechanics were working on your brakes like crazy on the grid.’

Now Dameron stood next to him, like a hail cloud, waiting for his interview. Kylo could feel the weight of his eyes on him.

Rey still wasn’t coming.

‘It was so hot today’ he said. ‘Canadian weather is just… so hot.’

_There was Rey, all covered in sweat, playing tennis with Finn and laughing -_

He gulped and blinked –

He won’t think about it. He won’t.

‘Physically, I’m destroyed’ he added. ‘But back to Rey, Ferrari were so quick this weekend, but still it’s not the way you want to beat your opponent. Nevertheless, it’s a win for a team.’

It was a win for him.

‘And last one, do you think you could have overtake her in the end if you have to?

Kylo remembered their karting days. The memories of the days when they would both prepare their karts, often watched by Luke and his father, when Rey would overtake him with such ease.

Kylo knew Rey had that raw talent, strength that all other boys, drivers loved and hated her for it.

‘I don’t know, we were all struggling with brake temperatures, towards the end, and tyres were gone, and it was so hot, but the track was great.’

‘Thank you, Kylo, so Poe –‘

Kylo was already away, hearing Dameron’s voice coming from the distance.

‘Disappointed for the team, we worked extremely hard, I don’t remember what happened to Rey, but we will keep pushing and victory will come soon.’

Kylo sat on his car, trying to catch his breath. He unzipped his racing suit.

‘It’s time for the podium now.’

Kylo got up to the podium, to the waiting room. He put his helmet and gloves on the table. One of the Mercedes FO employees – Katie Lloyd, one of the trackside fluid engineers, was sent with him to take the Constructor’s trophy.

But when he caught the glimpse of the TV with the corner of his eyes, his heart missed a beat.

_Rey._

She was walking now with her head high to the parc ferme. Not walking – saying she walked was not enough. It was the strut of the champion, the aura of her anger was blazing, dazzling, even through the pixels of the TV screen. There was that total, unprecedented regality to her that you just knew you have to fall to your knees and beg her for forgiveness.

And she was coming for him, like a rightful queen, like the empress and he would meet his doom from her hand.

And Kylo was an usurper, a false king.

She was coming back to them, but when he was sure she would go up and join them, she did something he actually never expected:

Kylo saw the determination in her eyes, the way her red lips pursed, eyes sparkling with white fury.

His heart stopped.

Rey then just went and –

\- whoa, fuck -

She switched boards.

Kylo looked back, feeling his cheeks getting redder than they already were. Rey waved at the crowd getting the ovations, because fans knew, everyone knew.

She _won_ this race.

Not him.

Kylo drank some of the water, when Rey came to the room.

His stomach dropped.

She didn’t even look at him. She went straight to Poe, who hugged her and then to Katie.

‘Congratulations’ she said.

Kylo quickly stood up.

Rey turned to him, face blank. How different was her face from the one, so open and honest, in that surreal, nebulous time they shared almost a month ago.

‘Congratulations’ she said and stuck out her hand. So professional.

And impersonal.

‘Gre… great drive’ he said. ‘I’m sorry about the… penalty.’

She shook his hand.

‘Are you?’ she asked in low voice, smile tingling somewhere in the corners of her ruby red lips. ‘I had nowhere to go.’

She left his hand, which fell so lifeless to his side – he again felt ignored, like nothing.

The podium celebration was even worse. Because he really felt he is at fault, he didn’t understand the stewards decision.

He knew why it was so important for Rey.

His mother only win in F1. 23 years ago. And she would have won it.

But also, he wasn’t the steward! And really, what he could do. She really rejoined the track unsafely. Kylo felt bile, but like, eh, he couldn’t say more, right? God, what was she doing to him? She was at fault here, she rejoined the track in dangerous manner. The penalty was right. If Ferrari was mad and felt the stewards were wrong, Ferrari should just talk to the FIA and do the investigation. He couldn’t do shit.

He felt even worse when he saw who was giving the trophies.

Ahoska Tano.

She hugged Rey when she gave Kylo’s his #1 trophy. It was just so bad. Kylo just felt bad, seeing even the gaze of rally legend on him. Sandwiched by two Skywalker Ferrari drivers, nota bene, his estranged family (kind of) when they both hated him –

Kylo didn’t really wanted to go to that birthday gala. He hated galas. Like, they were fancy parties and he hated parties.

However, here he was.

‘God, I really started to hope you won’t show up.

Hux turned to him, with disgust painted all over his face. It was the golden hour – the sun painted the sky over Montreal with oranges, rosy violets and dying red, tainted with cool blues of the summer night. Kylo looked at the car that waited for them before the hotel – black Mercedes.

‘I hoped that too’ he replied. ‘But unfortunately, we have each other’ he added when he was close.

‘Oh, stop it, Ren’ Hux mumbled. ‘I fucking hate you.’

‘I hate you too.’

With thosewords, Kylo got inside the car. Hux followed him.

‘Snoke and Palpatine won’t go’ he said.

Kylo looked at his teammate, surprised.

‘They’re not coming?’

Hux knocked to the board to signal the chauffeur to drive.

‘Did I stutter, Ren? Yeah, they’re not going.’

Kylo rolled his eyes.

‘But I thought they will go. And that we have to… go.’

Hux raised an eyebrow.

‘And you think they care?’

That was so true.

‘So… so why are we going?’ Kylo asked. Fuck, he wanted to just spent this night alone in his hotel room. Even if that sounded so sad, like he was a wicked loser.

But the thought of spending here 2-3 hours, watching Rey from afar, feeling like shit was just twisting everything inside him. In worst ways possible and he was sure he will end vomiting or just drinking.

Hux leaned on the seat.

‘Because we need to’ started Hux. ‘We need to, Ren. We’re drivers and, unfortunately, they invited us. So we need to go. If you will be a team principal like Snoke or Palpatine, then you can do whatever you want. But we need to go to not make it look disrespectful and we represent the team.’

That was so true. Once again. Kylo pursed his lips. Armitage Hux was right and he hated it.

So him and Hux sat next to each other, trying to not look at each other. And it was getting awkward. Awkard as fuck. Kylo glanced from time to time at his teammate, knowing Hux is doing the same.

‘Why are you doing this?’ Hux asked after some time.

‘Why are you doing this too?’ Kylo retorted.

Hux shrugged.

‘You started that.’

‘I think you started that first.’

‘Stop it.’

‘Stop it first.’

Kylo sighed deeply. He looked through the car’s window: he could see the streets of Montreal bathing in the last rays of evening Sun, the old buildings and the symphony of the city. The night was young and was –same as the day – so hot.

The ride wasn’t long, thank god, but Kylo could see the façade of the hotel, where gala was held; the area in front of it was surrounded by of journalist, the flashes of lights. Kylo got out of the car welcomed with flashes of the cameras. For a moment he looked up – he could see the beams of light up to the sky, painting the building in pinks and purples.

The inside of the gala hall was already full with people, sitting by the table, some of them were dancing: Kylo could notice some other drivers, big FIA bosses. The interior of the hall was bathed in golden lights that illuminated and shone through the white pieces of fabrics covering the grand windows: the music played by the string quartet was a pretentious variation of some known song he knew that would just slowly drive him crazy with its snobbery.

He and Hux – he wasn’t sure why he didn’t said to fuck off to Hux. Or why Hux didn’t do the same and just left him. Maybe they both knew people hate them and they already knew they hate each other, so at least they made peace with it. So actually, whether Kylo liked it or not, he preferred Hux’s presence, because at least it looked like they don’t need anyone else if they sat together by the bar. They should have sit by their table, but did Kylo care? He wanted to just get it over with it and hunker down for the whole gala.

And after an hour, maybe he could just vanish into thin air. Nobody would care. Like, he understood, FIA wanted to celebrate the birthday of Tano, she was the president of Women in Motorsport commission and all of that, but why he was here? Ugh.

And yeah, nothing was better than being the one to take away the first F1 win of a woman in nearly 20 years. He knew his shitty luck, of course it was him.

Was 8 pm too early to get drunk? And of course he couldn’t get drunk.

He watched more people arrive, while sipping on his such exquisite drink the water was; and yet he already felt like he would throw up.

‘I have enough’ whispered Hux. ‘I know like, gala technically didn’t start, but I just want to get home. Waiting here doesn’t make sense.’

Kylo cleared his throat.

‘Look, if we are here –‘

Hux interrupted him.

‘Don’t play the fool, Ren’ he said. ‘I know you’re here just to see Király and her lover boy.’

[I’m not your stupid lover boy anymore]

Kylo glanced sideways. Was he really that easy to read?

‘And you?’ he snapped. ‘Maybe you’re also waiting for your secret crush?’

Hux blinked.

‘What? Are you serious?’ he said, but there was something in his voice, the usual taunt of his voice rang hollow.

‘Better… shut up’ Hux added. ‘I don’t have _a crush_. On anyone.’

Kylo took a deep breath.

‘So, there’s someone?’ he whispered.

‘No, _stop_ –‘

‘There _is_ someone’ Kylo repeated, really hardly believing it. ‘You, Armitage “I don’t do dates” Hux has _a crush_ –‘

‘You’re hallucinating, Ren, I told you I don’t fancy anyone –‘

‘Sure, Hux’ Kylo laughed over his drink. ‘And now you’re red as a fuckin’ tomato.’

Hux got even more red.

‘You’ll pay for this ‘ he pointed finger at him. ‘I swear to God.’

Kylo laughed. He turned around to look at the guests and took another sip of his “drink”, when he –

He choked; he started to cough so loudly he almost didn’t hear Hux’s laugh, when his teammate started patting his back.

Oh fuck.

No, it couldn’t be.

Kylo had tears in his eyes, red cheeks.

‘I think God heard me’ he heard Hux. ‘Karma’s a bitch.’

‘Shut up, Hux’ said Kylo.

No, he won’t look there, he won’t. He could feel the gazes of other guests on him. He shouldn’t have came here; he should go home or at least to the hotel room.

He knew the eyes of everyone are on her. How they couldn’t be? God, it was a revenge. For everything. For him being an asshole, for the fact he never kissed her when she asked him to, for today.

Or at least he wanted to think so, because, in a way, it would mean she cared.

Worse if she didn’t and it seemed she doesn’t.

It was his doom. He had to run away, because if he was to spent this night in one place with her, looking like that –

He just wanted to scratch his eyes out. Or the eyes of any person who would look at her.

He risked a quick glance over his shoulder and almost groaned.

Even from the distance Kylo could see Rey, only her. To say she looked dazzling, stunning was not enough. She was frighteningly perfect in her imperfection, straight up perfect _to him_.

She was smiling wide, beaming. The short hair that usually were straight or in sweated strands from driving, now where lightly curled and parted on the side, showing only her long, swan neck. Her skin was not pale, but sun-kissed and delicately sparkling in the golden light of the chandelier. He could see the freckles, the hazy band of brown stars, that bloomed all over her naked shoulders.

She was wearing long dress and matching high heels, both of course in the colors _of rosso corsa_ , Ferrari red. Kylo was breathless – and more – he felt everything in him breaks when he realized the dress had a split on the side, showing off one of her long and muscular legs.

He was done.

What had he done?

And next to Rey, as her date, was nobody else, but fucking Finn. Finn.

He turned around, breathing hard. He smashed the glass onto the bar’s counter feeling panic rising inside him.

‘Fuck’ he said.

He was fucked.

‘Oh, Ren’ Hux now laughed over his drink. ‘And what about _your_ crush? But I agree, dear Reymont’s looking quite nice and –‘

Hux was now the one to choke on his drink.

Kylo blinked, surprised and looked behind him again.

In the sea of people, he noticed the second couple that joined Rey and Finn; Dameron and Rey’s spokeswoman, dressed in dark-blue sequined dress. Rey just laughed, he could see how she and the other woman hold hands, when Finn just shook his head at them, when Dameron rolled his eyes.

Kylo turned around.

God, he was so jealous. The blood buzzed in his ears. He patted Hux two times on his back; his teammate stopped coughing, but he was now breathing hard.

‘Uh – thanks’ he whispered.

‘You’re welcome’ said Kylo.

Maybe the world was really ending, he thought. If him and Hux actually didn’t want to kill each other.

And in fact, it seemed… they both were in similar situation.

Or he didn’t want to know.

Their gazes meet.

‘We will take’ they said simultaneously to the barman and fell silent.

‘You first’ said Hux.

‘One shot of vodka’ whispered Kylo. Not enough to get drunk with it, but if he won’t ingest at leats some alcohol, he will go insane.

‘Same for me’ said Hux.

He could only watch the wall in front of him, filled with bottles and knowing that behind him, there was Rey, Rey with Finn and that thought made him sickeningly even more jealous.

He watched the barman filling two shot glasses.

‘Here you are, gentlemen’ he said, sliding them to Kylo and Hux.

Kylo took his shot glass.

‘So, am I allowed to know who the unlucky lady is? Or a gentleman?’’ he added.

Hux growled.

‘Shut up, Ren. You’re the last person I would talk to about it.’

‘I’m the only person you would talk to about it’ Kylo whispered. ‘Anyway… we are both losers, _huh_.’

‘Fuck you’ Hux drawled. ‘I’m not a loser.’

And they both drank the shots at the same time.

Kylo took the deep breath feeling alcohol burning his throat.

But nothing was as burning as the jealousy eating him alive.

*******

‘Rey, God, you look –‘

Rey smiled widely.

‘Sometimes a woman has to change the racing suit for a dress’ she replied.

The gala – birthday party if she could say – was going well. Rey was at the galas before – FIA hosted them at the end of every season, of course, but they rarely do it between the races.

But of course, they had to celebrate birthday of Ahsoka Tano, that woman was a legend.

Rey knew that her dress – when she used to wear female suits for such events – caught attention. But she wanted, for once, to dress herself; not for any man, not even for Kylo, but just for herself only.

And if Kylo would see her, well -

She could kill two birds with one bullet.

And she hoped that bullet would shot through Kylo’s heart.

But god, Rey could ran 15 kilometers. She could lift weights, but walking in high heels was a _pure_ nightmare.

She missed her racing boots now even more. Or even her running shoes.

Overall, the gala was nice; even if there was over 300 guests, Rey didn’t feel the pressure connected to being in the limelight. Apart from one photographer who took some pictures at the beginning and red carpet before entering the building, that was all. It became even nicer when Leia came and Rey and Rose got invited to sit with her, Holdo and the birthday person herself, Ahsoka Tano.

Rey couldn’t say anything, but to admire her; the lady in her 70s dazzled with regal grace, similar to Leia’s. They were both drivers after all, but still – one was an F1 legend, one a rally one. Rey often would steal glances to look at the profile of Tano and didn’t hide away her adoration for Tano’s poise.

An elderly lady had her black dreadlocks with silver tendrils put in a bun. The grey sequined pantsuit was coruscating in the soft golden-orange light of the hall lamps, contrasting with Tano’s dark complexion. Her oval face, that seemed to be ageless, was dotted with white patches; Rey considered her unbelievably stunning; she could only wish to have some of that easy grace Ahsoka, Leia or Holdo had when she would be their age.

‘Where’s Poe and Finn?’ asked Leia.

Rose shook her head.

‘I think they both excused themselves’ she replied. ‘And went to the bar.’

Rey looked at her. They both knew that Poe and Finn wanted to spent some time together, even if they pretended to “be friends”.

That hurt Rey, but she knew too well that if Poe came out it would be tantamount to the end of his career. Formula 1, motorsport, wasn’t known for its inclusivity.

‘But I don’t think it’s bad’ said Ahsoka. ‘We are in a female circle. And it’s so, so refreshing.’

Rey couldn’t agree more. She was looking at three women: Leia Organa, ex-F1 driver, turned team principal, Amilyn Holdo, a genius and one of the pillars of Skywalker Ferrari, Ahsoka Tano, who was leading the Women in Sports commission. Rose Tico, her friend and loyal spokeswoman, who today saved her once again from her temper.

Rey looked at them.

Behind every great women, there are more great women, she tonight.

‘I watched the race, but the stewards’ decision left me heartbroken’ said Ahsoka. ‘I know the stewards had their rules, but it should be labeled as a racing incident.’

‘I know, I think the same’ Leia agreed. ‘But of course, I’m a team principal, so my opinion is not… objective.’

‘Well, FIA is not known for being consistent with their penalties’ whispered Amilyn. ‘Remember when Wedge just… touched Skutu back in 2006? FIA smashed us with a 10 seconds penalty. In a _pit lane_.’

‘God, don’t remind me, Amilyn’ whispered Leia. ‘My blood still boils at the thought of that.’

Rey watched her drink, the lights reflecting in the surface.

‘We will write to FIA, right?’ she asked. ‘It was a racing incident.’

Or her mistake. But still, she felt that if that was the other way around, Mercedes defiantly wouldn’t get a penalty.

‘Mercedes will oppose, definitely. FIA was too harsh.’

Rose sighed.

‘They bend the rules how they want. If it was the other way around, I bet Ren… wouldn’t get the penalty.’

Rey froze.

Her eyes at once fell at Leia, who held her chin up at the mention of her son. Holdo looked down and Tano shook her head.

‘We know that I’m right’ Rose added.

‘We can’t be… sure’ Rey said. ‘But I feel… it’s right.’

It hurt.

It was her win.

She could remember Kylo’s face. He also seemed uncomfortable – even apologetic. However, Rey wouldn’t trust herself – senses tended to be deceptive, stained with subconscious wishes and desires she buried deep.

‘You did well, Rey, your… driving was just superb. And you defended it perfectly’ she heard. ‘It’s not so easy, especially that Mercedes has a better engine and you defended your position whole race.’

Rey felt the bile in her throat. She took a deep breath.

‘And I made a one mistake’’ she whispered.

She took her glass, feeling the eyes of all women by the table on her.

‘And of course, a woman makes one mistake and it destroys her whole career.’

She took a sip and put the glass with a hump. The glass had the shade of red on the side

‘One mistake’ she muttered. ‘One mistake.’

Tano put a hand on hers.

‘Your win will come’ she said. ‘You’re doing amazingly. I’ve never seen a drive like yours… like –‘

She looked at Leia, who laughed and shook her head.

‘She’s better’ she said. ‘Rey’s much better than me.’

‘Aunt, I don’t think –‘

‘Darling, you are’ Leia said. ‘Remember what I taught you. Do not underestimate yourself. Deep down you know you’re better than me and there’s no shame in admitting that.’

Rey gulped.

‘I ordered to raise the winning flag in Maranello’ Leia added. ‘We won this race. Rey’s the winner.’

Rey took a deep breath. It was one of Ferrari’s traditions, to raise a flag back at their factory after their driver won a race. If they were doing that, despite her being officially second –

Leia was right.

You won the races on the track.

Not by penalties.

‘Of course men will turn your board swapping into typical female-tantrum’ Tano stated. ‘It was the same for me, when I almost won the rally championship. If I showed even a bit of emotions, I was considered…’

‘… a bitch?’ Rose proposed.

‘A bitch, yes.’

Rey shook her head.

‘They will do anything to keep motorsport women-free’ she said. ‘Heaven forbid if a woman is a driver!’

‘The world is phallocentric’ Holdo whispered. ‘The whole narration was written by men and they made it seen as the only right way. Logic, linearity. Women are different, but different doesn’t mean… worse.’

‘Kenobi would say to get the best of both worlds and communicate’ Tano said.

Rey looked up.

For a moment there was silence by the table. Leia and Holdo exchanged looks, Tano cleared her throat.

‘You actually remind me a lot of him, Rey’ she continued. ‘As a driver, but also as a person. You’re a highly intellectual driver.’

‘Thank you’ Rey said. ‘I… have studied his racing style for years. He was the great inspiration of mine.’

Ahoska smiled.

‘And that makes you great. A lot of young drivers tend to only look in the future, thinking about what _will_ happen. You have to have a certain respect for the past. But you cannot be blinded by it, or be blinded by the future. The key is always… balance.’

‘I’m not sure if you were all about balance when you were screaming at your rivals during rallies’ Leia laughed.

‘Oh well, I was making it highly cultural’ Ahsoka pointed out. ‘I bet they never have been called “ overgrown cucumbers” before.’

Everyone laughed, Rey too, but quieter. She felt a weird cold in her chest.

She wasn’t similar to Ben Kenobi, she thought. Kenobi was the man of logic, he was compassionate. Kenobi wouldn’t ever throw himself at other driver, he wouldn’t swap the boards –

Kenobi was the reason why Leia and Han named their son Ben.

She involuntarily looked across the hall.

How would she not see him?

There he was, towering over the crowd; Rey could recognise that profile everywhere. She could say that Kylo made sure to dress up. Even from far away she could see the perfectly modelled waves of his hair, black suit and bow tie, his broad shoulders. He was of course sitting with none else than Armitage Hux himself; that surprised her. She was sure both Mercedes teammates despised each other.

Like feeling her gaze on him, Rey could almost _feel_ him looking at her; but no – she immediately averted her gaze.

‘I’ll excuse myself’ Rey said, standing up.

The women looked at her, thrown by her sudden action.

‘Pardon me, but I need to…’

Rey’s gaze locked on Rose.

‘I’ll go with you’ she said, standing up.

They maneuvered through the maze of tables and found themselves in the halls. Rey was silent, but she could feel watchful gaze of her friend on her. After some time they finally found the toilet.

‘I find it strange that both Hux and Ren are here at the gala’ Rey heard Rose, when she was in the stalls.

‘They were invited’ Rey replied, trying to make her voice sound as neutral as possible.

They were invited, indeed. But still they could just ignore the invitation.

Rey gulped.

She won’t think about it. She won’t think about him. Especially not after today.

She was mad at him. Furious.

‘I know they were, but they could just… not come’ Rose said.

Rey left the stall and came to the sinks. She turned on the water and started washing her hands.

‘You know that Ren has been watching you since you arrived, right?’

Rey froze.

She felt a deep pull inside her. She took a deep breath.

‘And what about that?’ she asked. ‘He can watch.’

It was all what he could get.

She could see Rose’s reflection in the mirror with the corner of her eye; her friend just fixed her hair and well, she didn’t look impressed with her answer.

‘Rey, don’t try to act. I know you’re mad at him.’

‘And who isn’t. I mean…’ Rey turned to her. ‘I’m not. I’m not mad. It was stewards’ decision. And being mad at him… would be silly.’

Rose crossed her arms on her chest.

‘Are you sure?’

‘I am’ Rey said, but definitely she wasn’t. ‘The stewards made the decision. Not him.’

She stood upright, chin up, like a lady and looked at herself in the mirror.

It was so weird to see herself, all dressed up; it was like a masquerade. Rey was always wearing a mask If not a mask of being the perfect daughter, she wore the mask made of smiles, the racing helmet. Now her mask consisted of layers of foundation and concealers, eye shadows and mascara, lipstick that was too bright and too red, and highlighter.

She felt weird, she felt like she’s once again a small girl dressing up, pretending to be a woman she knew she’s not. It was only an act of performing femininity rather than feeling feminine, to be honest; it was only a fancy dress, she just wanted one time to feel like she’s not a stupid, little girl anymore, that’s she’s a woman. She felt lost; she felt too exposed and at the same time – she hid away all of her imperfections, she dressed up like _a doll,_ ready to sell.

Would anyone knew it took good 15 minutes to cover her stretching marks on her thigh? No. Rey even now felt the acidic shame when she recalled noticing the white opalescent lines; if she wore long pants, shorts, when she was wearing a racing suit, nobody cared.

But now, she became awfully aware of how flat, how tomboyish, unattractive she was.

Whom she wanted to deceive?

She wanted him to see her and eat his heart out he didn’t kiss her then. But she had to take her medicine.

She was still that stupid little girl who loved Ben Solo.

[Ben could love you, but I don’t]

She left the toilet with Rose, hearing the hum of the voices and music echoing the halls with every step she took. What would she do now? Come back and talk with Leia, Holdo and Tano? Pretending she doesn’t steal glances at Kylo? Probably. She just thought –

Rey groaned from pain, right away grabbing her side.

Rose was right away next to her.

‘Are you okay?’

‘I am –‘

‘Oh god, I’m sorry, I didn’t see you –‘

Rey straightened up.

No way.

No –

Oh god.

The young man blinked, seeing her. He opened his mouth.

Rey felt that the voices around her just disappeared, the light dimmed. She could only feel her heart go slower and slower and she just… god, the possibility, the chances she would meet him _here_ –

‘Do you know each other?’ Rose’s voice brought Rey back to reality.

She blinked, averting her eyes.

‘Pardon me’ she whispered. ‘Just… I didn’t expect you here.’

‘Neither did I.’

Rey took a deep breath.

‘Rose, Rose Tico, my dear friend and spokeswoman’ she introduced her. ‘And Rose…this is…’

A young man smiled widely.

‘Cal Kestis’ he said. ‘Rey’s old friend. We used to race together in F3.’

*******

‘This whole gala is a joke, I’m telling you, Ren. This is _a joke_.’

‘I don’t know how many times you can repeat that. I heard you the first time’ Kylo replied.

It’s been like an hour, maybe more. Kylo felt he lost track of time; in different way than this April day. Everything was again surreal: the soft lighting made everything slightly hazy, dimmed, abstract. It reminded him of impressionistic works, maybe not strict Monet’s ones, but rather Renoir’s. So many people and yet – Kylo was alone.

[the flesh covers the bone

and they put a mind

in there and

sometimes a soul]

Did he have a soul, thought, watching the lights reflecting in his glass.

‘And the women break vases against the walls… and the men drink too much’ he sighed.

He saw Hux turning to him.

‘What the fuck, Ren.’

‘Bukowski’ Kylo replied.

‘Bukowski?’ Hux frowned. ‘You mean that poet? I didn’t know you’re into poetry.’

Kylo shrugged.

‘I don’t only drive in circles’ he replied.

‘What a Renaissance man’ Hux said derisively. ‘You’re full of surprises.’

‘And you’re full of shit’ Kylo muttered.

Rey sat with his mother and Tano some time ago and Kylo – even from the distance – noticed the women had a heated discussion. The absence of Dameron and Rey’s “date” by the table surprised him, but maybe the women just banished them from their debate. And, to be honest, he wouldn’t be surprised about that. It would suit his mother; he knew that in the past she would even not allow Luke to visit Ferrari factory when the team was designing new car for the new season.

Kylo held his breath.

He knew this feeling; he was used to being watched, observed. By media, reporters, by Snoke. But there was different kind of gaze that he wouldn’t mistake with anything else.

He glanced sideways, however no, Rey wasn’t looking at him.

Or was she?

Maybe his mind was playing games with him.

He let his eyes linger on her way too long, feeling everything twisting inside him painfully. The way Rey held her head high, her squared shoulders; he could see the influence of his mother the way she carried herself. Although there was something profound, hidden – the fire that was burning deep under her skin, in the heart, the one that shone in her hazel eyes. He saw it today, blazing, after the race. Beauty was always only skin deep; he couldn’t say she wasn’t beautiful, god, she was just perfectly imperfect, imperfectly perfect. The true paradox of his life, Rey Király – everything he wished, desired, craved for and couldn’t even touch.

He should have kissed her given a chance.

Hux’s laugh brought him back to reality.

‘Stop looking at her, it starts to be creepy.’

Kylo averted his eyes.

‘And you’re not looking there?’ he replied, but felt his cheeks blush. ‘I’ve seen you –‘

It was like a punch in the face. The cold feeling froze inside of his guts. The way Hux was also glancing from time to time at Rey’s table. That somehow he was so well-informed with whom she would come. Jesus fuckin’ Christ, it made sense –

He stared at Hux.

His teammate sized him up.

‘What?’ Hux asked.

Kylo gulped. No, _if he was right_ –

‘God, Ren, you’re looking like I’ve just killed your mom’ Hux said.

‘You have a crush on Rey’ Kylo muttered.

Hux blinked.

‘What?’ he asked.

‘You do.’

‘From what I am informed, no I don’t?’ Hux looked perplexed.

‘Don’t lie’ Kylo hissed. ‘I’ve seen you looking there all the time –‘

‘Because I find it weird Dameron prefers the company of Király’s coach’ he cut in. ‘I wouldn’t leave my date like that.’

Oh.

‘But you don’t do dates’ Kylo whispered.

‘And you do?’ Hux rolled his eyes. ‘Just one time, try to fucking take it into your moronic tiny brain that not everybody has a crush on Király. God, she’s not the only woman in the world.’

Kylo felt his jaw tense.

‘Look, I don’t wanna fight’ Hux said. ‘Easy, calm down. She cleaned up rather nicely, but god, I can swear to God and Blessed Virgin Mary, I would be the masochist to have a crush on her.’

‘But I know someone who is’ he laughed. ‘You.’

Kylo grimaced.

‘Go fuck yourself’ he whispered and looked once again, out of habit, at the table.

And Rey –

Rey was gone.

Kylo felt his stomach drop.

He looked over the hall, but no – the red of Rey’s dress was nowhere to be found. Only a canvas of painted, points of people, smudges of voices, but Rey just… vanished.

He couldn’t find Finn too.

He felt the panic rising in him, the jealousy, anxiety. He scanned the crowd once again.

‘Quick, one shot of vodka’ he heard Hux’s voice.

Kylo turned just in time to see his teammate drink it in one draught and standing up.

‘Please, I’ll take… anything, but no alcohol’ he heard a female voice behind him. ‘Anything.’

Kylo followed Hux and saw Rey’s spokeswoman, that short Asian, standing nearby by the bar.

What was Hux doing? Was he going to the toilet? Or was he just leaving Kylo?

He leant nonchalantly on the bar, so Kylo could partially see Rey’s spokeswoman.

But no, Kylo felt his eyes widen in shock, when _OH FUCK -_

‘Have you ever been arrested?’ Hux asked her. ‘It must be illegal to look _that_ good.’

Kylo chuckled.

Rey’s spokeswoman was Hux’s secret CRUSH?

Kylo blinked, hardly believing what he was seeing. He wasn’t sure how many shots would be needed to get his teammate truly drunk, but definitely either Hux was drunk or Kylo was just hallucinating?

The woman ignored him.

‘That’s… a crime looking that good. And you look… really good’ Hux repeated, voice lacking conviction.

The woman sighed deeply.

‘I suppose that you are now waiting for any kind of indication that I’ve heard your… miserable advances’ she said, not even looking at him. ‘I did.’

‘I mean, I just –‘

‘I don’t care’ she interrupted Hux, turning to him.

‘If you think it’s okay to talk to a woman like this, you’re deluding yourself’ she added. ‘But I don’t like the tone of your voice. I smell vodka. I don’t care who you are –‘

Kylo sipped some of water, trying to not look at Hux –

‘I don’t like when a man tries to hit on me that way’ she said. ‘Sorry not sorry, I’m not interested.’

‘But, no, I just didn’t know how… Rose –‘

Kylo goggled now.

Hux knew her _name_?

_Rose_ stared at Hux, the icy fury in her eyes. Damn, she barley reached Hux’s shoulders, but in that moment Kylo felt that his teammate had to somehow shrink.

There was only Rose, who was glaring at Hux in such a way even Kylo wanted to run away.

‘Move away’ she said, voice low and cold. ‘I don’t know who you are and how you know my name. But –‘

She raised her finger to Hux, who leant back.

‘I have a taser and I won’t hesitate to use it’ she whispered.

Oh fuck, Hux was so, _so fucked_.

The barman gave Rose her drink.

‘Thank you’ she said sweetly.

Hux took a deep breath.

‘Last warning. Move away, lover boy. Or I’ll tase you so hard you will never have children.’

‘Ye-yes’ said Hux, taking a step back.

‘It’s _ma’am_ for you’ Rose replied.

Her eyes fell on Kylo.

‘Of course’ she shook her head. ‘Why would I expect anything else. Stop gawking at Rey, you creep.’

‘I’m watching you. _Both_ of you.’

She looked again at Hux; she gave him a wicked smile . Kylo felt a cold shiver down his spine.

They both watched Rose leave, speechless.

Hux leaned on the counter, breathing hard.

‘Don’t say anything’ he said. ‘Don’t you dare –‘

Kylo shook his head.

‘Believe me, I won’t.’

Hux took a deep breath. Kylo saw his teammate face twist in grimace.

‘Dameron’s an idiot’ he hissed. ‘Bloody idiot. I’m an idiot.’

Their gazes meet.

‘So… Rey’s spoke…swoman?’ Kylo asked.

Hux looked black.

‘Tico, you asshole’ he drawled. ‘Rose Tico, she has… a bloody name.’

And before Kylo could say anything, Hux, swearing like a sailor, disappeared in the crowd.

Kylo was alone.

For some time he could think; what he just witnessed… weirdly rang a bell. And he hated that. He could laugh that Rey’s spokeswoman was unlucky to have Hux somehow developing a crush on her, because guy had a sensitivity of a brick, but still –

How Hux found out her name? Kylo knew Hux, he knew him since they were boys, since they were racing in karting. Hux really _didn’t do dates._ He was always 100% focused on his work, on the goal. Girls didn’t interest him, to the point Kylo was thinking that maybe Hux prefers men, but maybe?

Because maybe there was –

[ _and nobody finds the_

_one_ , he recalled the another verse of Bukowski poem]

Kylo took a deep breath.

He saw and won’t unsee that side of Hux, that vulnerably human part, which painfully reminded him of him and Rey.

Being in love with a woman who despised you.

Rey wasn’t there anymore.

Kylo left the bar, feeling completely out of place. Probably out of this reality as well. He knew that’s the end of the night, because if he would stay here he will only try to drown his thoughts in growing sorrow.

‘Did you have to mention Kenobi?’

Kylo froze.

He knew that whisper; the voice of his mother was an almost non-existent murmur.

‘Leia, I understand, but I only said Rey reminds me a lot of him. I told you that you and Luke should –‘

Rey. Kylo felt his heart beating faster. He still couldn’t see her anywhere.

The membrane of voices, the canvas of the hall was so empty.

Why he never felt he even exist when she wasn’t around.

[ _because Hux was wrong_ , a voice he knew too well echoed in his mind

_For you there is only one girl_ ]

‘No, Ahsoka, you don’t understand –‘

He turned his head and met the eyes of his mother.

‘B-Benoit?’ she said.

For a moment Kylo was lost in her face, so familiar, so abstract. She also studied his face, not only her’ she could feel the gazes of all the women of the table.

He instinctively straightened up and nodded.

‘Good evening’ he said. ‘I hope you enjoy this… splendid banquet… Mesdames.’

He gulped, feeling the enquiring looks. It was like the year dot of his childhood, when his mother would teach him the savoir-vivre, the proper etiquette.

Kylo saw Tano glancing at his mother, who smiled sadly.

‘Just like Padmé’ she said.

The mention of his grandmother made him frown; firstly he overhears their talk about his namesake, now Tano brings the name of Padmé Amidala?

‘I don’t know what name are you using now…’ said Tano.

‘It’s Kylo’ he replied.

He could see Rose rolling her eyes and Holdo pursing her lips.

‘But Benoit can do too’ he added.

His mother looked at him, stunned.

‘So’ Tano moved away the chair next to her and patted it. ‘Take a seat, Ben. I think we have a lot to talk about.’

Kylo looked away.

He hated it, god, he hated. It was the last thing he would ever want, however he couldn’t say no, he couldn’t refuse, but he felt that somehow getting into Tano’s crossfire would leave him miserable. And he really had more important stuff to do like finding Rey and he still couldn’t find her anywhere –

His heart stopped.

Rey.

He just saw her, by pure accident, partially hidden behind the column. The red of her dress was the river, waterfall of blood, of fire; he couldn’t help it, but to think about blooming rose, because the gathers of the dress had to be inspired by its petals. Kylo hardly could still believe she wore something like that, because Rey would always choose suits over dresses, but he loved it and hated it at the same time.

Her short hair was even shorter now, curled; the line of her jaw, the line of her neck, he felt so bad just staring, but god, how could he not? She’s always been beautiful, although he didn’t like using that word – it would indicate he cares more about her appearance, when in fact, he did not. It was probably the matter of jealousy, the possessiveness he felt regarding Rey. Because now everyone would really see her. That dress, the way she was radiant with her beauty, strength, was devastating.

It suited her, it suited her too well, it hurt him too much to watch her from far away.

And he wasn’t the only one who watched her.

Kylo was heart-wrenchingly aware he’s just one of many.

He wondered why she’s standing there – was Rey talking with someone? Finn? She definitely talked to someone –

she turned and he averted his eyes right away.

No, he definitely had to go. He had to, he just had to –

‘Are you all right?’ he heard.

Kylo looked back at Tano at his mother.

‘I-‘ he started, but he knew –

He just couldn’t think.

Jesus fuckin’ Christ. It was the fucking worst and best thing he has ever seen. Rey’s back was completely naked, except from two trips of the dress. He hardly could explain why it affected him that much: but the thought of the fact he could see the line of her spine, the tensed muscles over her shoulder blades was just sending him. And then he remembered her legs and it got even worse.

The pure urge to just poke his eyes out was so hard that Kylo could feel the cold sweat all over his body and the blood hitting his cheeks; if he won’t leave he will do something stupid. Like go to her and kiss her in front of everybody. Probably she would slap him in the face. And then Rose would tase him and he would end infertile.

He already did something stupid, he thought.

God, he should have kissed her.

He didn’t kiss Rey, when she asked him to.

‘I’m sorry’ he said. ‘But… I need… I need –‘

[I need her]

Kylo took a deep breath.

‘I need to go’ he finished.

His voice was so blatantly weak. But he was weak. His fingers just burnt, twitched, his eyes burnt with the image of her; and his lips just –

She wasn’t alone.

Kylo blinked.

No, god, was it a joke? No, how the fuck, he just –

Does God hate him? Was his life just some sort of plaything for stupid gods?

All the people in the world, even fucking Montreal and Rey was talking with _him?_

‘I’m sorry, I need, I need to go’ he said. ‘I’m sorry, mom.’

‘But –‘

Rose knew, of course she knew – she was just glaring at him like he was the personification of all the Egyptian plagues – but Kylo didn’t care.

‘Let him go’ he heard his mother. ‘Thank you… even for a small chat… Ben.’

Kylo looked at her.

For a moment she moved her head to the side. Kylo took a deep breath.

‘Go’ she said.

And he realized.

She _knew._

‘Thank you’ whispered.

He almost spun on his heel and walked away; he was clenching his fists so hard they started feeling numb. The music, the cacophony of sporadic sounds weakened by the buzz of the blood in his ears grew louder and louder as the distance to Rey and her companion diminished.

‘I’m just tired.’

Rey put a strand of her hair behind an ear.

‘Today was a hard day ’she said and drunk some of her champagne.

Kylo’s eye twitched.

It was really _him._

He stopped. Rey was partially turned sideways. His gaze involuntarily fell down on her naked shoulders and once again –

His lips burnt.

He looked up; he felt the green eyes on him.

‘Solo?’

Rey turned around and drew a sharp breath, seeing him.

‘What are you…’

Kylo started at her; the heart pounded in his chest painfully, because, up close seeing her was like torture. Rey had minimal make up, but her lips parted in surprise, eyebrows formed a cute frown. But hazel eyes were just glowing and the way flush washed all over her lovely face… he really hardly was able to think straight anymore.

He waited so long and now, in this haze of jealousy, of pure amazement, he only, only -

He only wanted to kiss her.

And it was too much and not enough at once.

‘Am I bothering?’ he whispered.

*******

Nothing was real anymore. Rey was dreaming or she was just living a pure nightmare.

Firstly, she really didn’t expect Cal Kestis here.

Rey wouldn’t lie, but she was good at forgetting things. She had to forget them. She forgot Budapest, her childhood, she forgot the moments of her life that was giving her nightmares or were simply marked with shame. It also involved forgetting people; Rey would push them back, back of her mind, their names obliterated by her perfectly practised skill of forgetting, faces of the people she used to know, fading in the sea of white oblivion.

But what could she do if a person she forgot on purpose just stood in front of her?

And why she could never forget Ben Solo with such ease?

Rey felt the repressed memories pressing her temples, the back of her head.

‘I’ll leave you both’ Rose said. ‘I’ll get something to drink.’

‘Yes, go’ Rey said.

Cal shook his head.

‘It was nice to meet you, Rose’ he said.

‘I’m watching you’ Rose replied. ‘Try to hurt her and I’ll kill you.’

‘I won’t, don’t worry’ Cal asked.

Rose spluttered.

‘I’m not joking, Kestis.’

Rey looked down.

‘She’s overprotective’ she said.

‘I bet you have unwanted admirers.’

Rey bit her lip.

‘To be honest…. No’ she said.

Her thoughts circled around Kylo, of course.

She looked at Cal.

‘It’s been years’ he said.

‘8 years, to be precise’ she whispered.

The time changed him; she could see how refined his jaw now was, he became a man. The red hair was now combed back and part of his face was slashed with a small scar. Rey remembered him being a teenager, her teammate at Prema Powerteam. They had a good time, they liked to compete together. Rey liked him. not like liked him, but she enjoyed his company. And she knew that Ben would never want her, he would only tell his dry comments about her and watch her from afar.

Rey really didn’t want to come back to that times. She still felt shame that she used Cal that way, but at that point she was so desperate to get Ben’s attention, to make him just do something –

And who knows, maybe if she didn’t , he would never end in Snoke’s hands.

‘It’s good to see you, finally, in person’ Cal said.

Rey was tensed; she really didn’t feel he would endanger her in any way, but the feeling of past shame – even if they talked about it but she was the one to stop writing, texting. She just had to forget, to move on.

And just months after that, Ben left.

And Han died.

Everything changed.

‘You too’ she said and forced herself to smile. ‘Cal, I just –‘

‘I know’ he said. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt you, but I know –‘

‘You know?’’ she asked.

Cal nodded.

‘I’ve heard… that last years were hard. For you and… your family’ he said. ‘I knew you would ask for support, but I wasn’t what you needed.’

Rey gulped.

‘Thank you’ she said.

‘I’m a master of small talk’ he said. ‘Yeah, let’s talk about trauma now. I’m so sorry, Rey. I wasn’t good at this, never.’

‘That’s okay, no don’t worry, Cal’ she said. ‘I just… didn’t expect you here.’

Cal laughed and rubbed his neck.

‘You know, I kinda… left single seaters’ he said. ‘I got into rally raids.’

Rey blinked.

‘Rally raids?’ she was stunned.

‘Yeah and Ahsoka… is like… my racing mentor’ Cal shrugged. ‘I’ll be doing Dakar Rally this year with her team.’

Rey was just… speechless.

‘Dakar?’

‘I know!’ Cal laughed. ‘I also can’t believe it! We are preparing all the time, I’m doing Cross-Country World Cup with my pilot, we have Italian Baja in two weeks.’

Rey shook her head.

‘Oh God, I mean…’ she was at loss of words. ‘It’s amazing.’

The Dakar Rally was an annual rally raid, considered by many to be the most difficult and most grueling race on the planet. Most events since the inception in 1978 were staged from Paris, France, to Dakar, Senegal, but Rey knew that this year Dakar would be held in South America. The rally was open to amateur and professional entries, amateurs typically making up about eighty percent of the participants.

This vicious race put a whole new spin on the phrase "To finish first, you must first finish." Thousands of racers have taken part in the now highly prestigious Dakar Rally, with several losing their lives in the process. The danger associated with the event came strictly from the terrain and the wrath of Mother Nature.

Dakar never changed, even if it was held in different places; it has been always savage, brutal and unyielding to all those who dare take it on this journey. To win there was an achievement unrivaled in the racing world.

Because you don't only win Dakar; you _survive it_.

That’s why Rey was so stunned with Cal being so open about this – like leaving single seaters for rallies was the most normal thing in the world. She was just shocked; and ashamed, because 8 years and she never thought what he was doing. She was sure he had to race somewhere in GT races, maybe Indy, maybe ELMS.

But cross country?

‘Yes, Dakar’ he said. ‘We have an amazing Mini Buggy to race, twin turbo, four-wheel drive, BMW engine. You would love it.’

‘And top speed?’ she asked.

‘180 kilometers per hour’ he said. ‘I know it’s not an F1 car, but I can assure you it’s worth it.’

‘I bet’ she said. ‘I don’t know if I would do rallies.’

‘You should try one day’ Cal said. ‘I mean less media but the margin of the error is similar to F1, I mean, thanks to single seaters my transition was really smooth.’

‘But not as smooth as you today’ Cal laughed.

The waiter stopped by them.

‘Some champagne?’

Cal looked at her.

‘Rey?’

‘Yes, thank you’ she smiled.

Cal took his glass.

‘For old friendships’ he said.

The glass pinged; Rey felt the sweetish taste of the champagne.

‘I swear, Rey, I have no idea how Solo… Ren didn’t pass you’ he said. ‘You were always an amazing defender, you never flinch an inch. It’s a shame they took away your win. It was unfair.’

‘Well, it happens’ she sighed.

‘And you got into F1.’

‘Did I?’ she whispered.

Maybe she only got because of Leia, of Luke. Not of her talent.

She hated it.

‘I’m sorry.’

Rey looked at him.

‘It’s not your fault’ she said, trying to sound carefree. ‘It’s racing. It’s F1.’

‘That’s why I think maybe… you should think about… different categories.’

Rey shook her head.

‘No, really.’

Cal nodded.

‘I understand, but know… racing is not only F1. It can be the queen of motorsports, but it’s not everything.’

Rey laughed.

‘Call me sometimes, Rey’ he said. ‘If you will have time during the winter break, we would love to get you a drive, some taste of rally?’

‘ _We_?’ she asked. ‘You mean… you? Ahsoka?’

Cal fell silent.

‘No, I mean… me and Trilla. Trilla Suduri’ he said and she saw his cheeks flush. ‘She’s my… co-driver.’

She wasn’t only a co-driver, Rey thought right away.

One look at Cal and she knew she’s right.

‘She’s your girlfriend?’ she asked, voice bland.

Cal blinked.

‘Actually… a fiancée’ he whispered.

The cold filled her body.

Rey gulped.

She looked away, feeling simply… stupid.

It wasn’t jealousy, she wasn’t jealous of Trilla, whoever she was. She never loved Cal. But Rey was just jealous of Cal, of what he had now, that he somehow seemed so happy. That he was doing what he loved, with a person he loved.

[ _But now, think about it._

_What we could achieve._

_Together_ , Kylo’s voice echoed in her mind.]

[ _And still, the memory of that night_

_8 years ago –_

_Ben opening the door,_

_her heart racing_

_him_

_finally, finally seeing her –_

[ _Join me, Rey._ ]

‘Rey, no, I didn’t –‘

He probably thought he committed a faux pas; but no, Rey just simply hated herself, because she was always stupid, she never learnt.

‘No, I’m okay’ she whispered, putting a strand of her hair behind her ear. ‘I’m just tired.’

‘Today was a hard day’ she added.

She looked up at Cal again, but he wasn’t looking at her.

Rey felt her heart sink.

The known perfume, just _the presence_ –

‘Solo?’ Cal asked.

Rey turned around and drew a sharp breath, seeing him.

Kylo stood behind her.

The soft aura of gold light illume his silhouette and made look that his scar, same as deep-brown eyes coruscated depending on the angle of view. the raven-black hair were framing the angular face of a Byronic hero and it look so soft that Rey wanted just to touch it, but also was afraid to destroy it. The constellation of beauty marks scattered across his pale face; she wondered if she could read the fate of this man out from them, if she could touch this marks, would she know her future?

His face was so tensed and serious; however something, deep inside her – maybe Rey was seeing things, imaging them, wanting, desiring so much to make her wishes come true – felt his eyes softened seeing her. Kylo’s lips, two perfect arches over x-axis, were still chapped, but seemed so soft, so irritatingly, sinfully soft. She definitely shouldn’t have looked at them, she had to stay mad at him, she –

‘What are you…’ she tried to say, but… she lacked words.

His eyes scanned her face in a way, she felt her cheeks redden. She wanted to rub her lips, her shoulders, neck; she never felt so seen, like she was feeling now.

He was touching her with his eyes in most intimate way.

‘Am I bothering?’ he whispered, voice rubbing a part of her heart.

Rey lacked breath.

‘Actually.. yes’ she said. ‘You do.’

Kylo’s eyes locked on hers.

‘Do I?’

‘Yes, you do’ she repeated.

Kylo looked her up and down, slow, too slow.

Rey gulped, she felt her lips just -

‘Will you introduce me to your friend?’ Kylo said. ‘I don’t think we’ve met before.’

That made Rey gasp.

She turned to Cal, who seemed lost.

‘Are you joking?’ she said to Ren.

‘I don’t’ he replied.

Rey hissed.

‘Liar’ she drawled. ‘No, no, no. I’m sorry, Cal. I don’t know what he wants from me –‘

‘If he is –‘

‘I just want ask Rey if she would dance with me’ Kylo interrupted them.

The silence.

Rey stepped back and stared at Kylo, stunned.

‘Pardon?’ she asked. ‘A _dance_?’ With _you?_

Kylo didn’t even flinch. He was strangely calm. Too clam. But Rey could tell, the waves, heat wave after heat wave coming from him, washing her naked skin with the strength of a lash, that it was only a mask.

If he seemed calm, he was, in fact, not.

‘May I have the next dance, Rey?’ he asked and -

He extended his hand to her.

Rey stared at it, before she shook her head.

‘No’ she said. She looked at him. ‘I don’t know what you took into your head, but no, I won’t dance with _you_.’

‘Actually’ she added. ‘I’m leaving now.’

She turned to Cal and gave him her champagne glass.

‘I’m so sorry’ she whispered. ‘We’ll be in contact. And you’ she said to Kylo. ‘Enjoy this night.’

Rey passed him, feeling the eyes of the men on her back.

She felt naked. So naked.

Worse, she felt that she’s losing her mind. Because her body was telling her other things; her senses were playing with her. And her mind, too.

She felt that again.

The same thing in Bahrain, once again. That atavistic need that made her feel like her state of being becomes more and more solid, when her true nature and fate was to fall apart, to be destroyed, ruined.

She wanted to be annihilated.

But nobody could do this, even her.

Only him.

‘Your coat, miss.’

‘Thank you’ Rey said taking it from the cloakroom hotel worker.

She didn’t care.

She just wanted to go home.

Leia will have to understand.

‘Excuse me’ Rey asked. ‘Is there… another… exit? Rear exit.’

‘Second door to the left’ the man said. ‘I can show you.’

‘No, thank you. I’ll find my way.’

Five minutes later Rey breathed a sigh of relief, when she stepped outside. The night was chilly; she had the goose bumps all over her skin. The alley was narrow and slightly damp; she could feel the coming rain and the sky over the city was stained with pinkish purple and wreathing storm clouds.

For a moment Rey watched the colours of the street and hotels lamps melting away on the dark asphalt. Montreal was playing its symphony of cars engines, people’s steps and horns.

Rey found her phone. Maybe she would just catch a taxi somewhere? Did she really need an uber? God, she was so tired and still -

‘Why did you leave?’

Rey froze.

‘I’d rather not do this now’ she whispered.

She heard two steps behind her.

She inhaled sharply; she wasn’t afraid to look over her shoulder to see him;

She was afraid what she would do.

‘I wanted to say… that I really don’t think… your penalty was fair’ she heard.

‘And why would you care?’ Rey said, turning to him.

Kylo’s face was a mosaic of purples, pinks, oranges and red. The man towered over her, but she wasn’t afraid anymore.

She left her fear, away, far away beyond Atlantic ocean, in Britain.

Kylo fixed her, once again, with a stare. Rey took a deep breath.

She knew him. He knew her.

They both knew it was only a matter of time. Rey had nothing to lose.

And everything to gain.

‘You said something else… _liar_ ’ she said quietly.

Kylo came closer to her.

‘You know that I had to’ he said ‘I had to.’

His eyes fell once again on her lips.

Rey stopped herself from smiling.

‘Why did you come here?’ she asked, her voice nonchalant.

Kylo was silent.

‘Why did you even come to the gala?’ she added.

‘I could have come with you if you asked me’ he whispered.

There it was.

‘Your _audacity_ –‘ she muttered.

‘I don’t understand you’ Kylo interrupted her, tone of his voice harsh. ‘You’re coming with your coach for that fancy dinner dressed up like a doll, everyone’s staring, then I see you with Kestis –‘

Rey laughed.

‘I knew you remembered him!’ she pointed out. ‘I knew it!’

‘And how would I forget him, I saw him all over you!’ he raised his voice. ‘I had to fucking throw him out of your room and you –‘

‘Be honest, Ren, you’re _jealous_ ’ she was taunting him.

‘You’re jealous’ she repeated, tasting the sound of it, teasing him.

Kylo hardly breathed; she could see the anger buzzing under his skin, how the mask breaks.

Rey wanted him destroyed.

She wanted him to feel what she felt.

‘You’re jealous’ she whispered, glancing at his lips. ‘Because I came with Finn to the gala –‘

Kylo laughed.

‘Oh and you… seem so _in love_ that…. you end flirting with your old… friend’ he breathed. ‘I… expected something… better. From you.’

‘Oh, and maybe I did flirt with him?’ Rey asked, rising one eyebrow. ‘You never know.’

‘So why are you leaving now, alone?’ Kylo asked.

Rey kept a poker face.

They both breathed heavily.

She shrugged.

‘You don’t know who can wait for me… back at my hotel room’ she whispered.

She didn’t have to wait even a second; the shock, the anger broke Kylo’s face, the pure fury painted it red.

‘You can’t’ he drawled, grabbing her by the wrist.

Rey held her head high; she looked straight into his eyes. Their chests were touching – she could feel how fast his heart beat.

‘I can’t?’ she asked. ‘Are you sure?’

She leant to his ear.

‘You have no power over me’ she whispered. ‘And you have no idea what I’m capable of.’

Kylo’s grip was tight hold.

He stared at her, when she moved away, holding her in place.

Rey raised her hand; Kylo at once grabbed it.

They were both panting hard.

‘Be fair’ she breathed. ‘You wanted to kiss me. You’re a… _liar_.’

She meet his gaze.

Kylo stared at her, eyes wide.

‘Liar’ she repeated.

He drew her closer.

‘Yes’ he hissed through clenched teeth. ‘I am.’

And then, he kissed her.

[Rey imagined her first kiss a lot of times. There was something intimate, something excitingly forbidden in that when she was younger. That long nights, especially summer nights, when the moonshine would soak lazily through the window onto white sheets of her bed, touching, caressing her legs.]

[Rey would wonder how it would be to feel someone else’s lips on hers, kissing her, wanting her, her body burning. How would it look like. How would it feel like. If the lips kissing her would be sloppy, if she would be good at kissing.]

[How would it feel if Ben kissed her.]

She never found out.

She kissed Cal once or rather attempted to do it, but that peck was just a touch. She felt nothing.

At bottom, Rey has never been kissed.

Till now.

Rey was stunned, she was dazed; Kylo kissed her mouth in a way that was just illicit, no, obscene. The shivers of pure electricity went down her spine, when he rammed his fingers into her cheek, his nails into her back. Even if she tried, she wouldn’t escape his lips.

She hardly breathed, the whole state of her being focused only on him, his lips on hers and his touch. She moaned; Kylo grabbed her by the waist, closer and closer -

But it wasn’t enough.

[she wanted more of him

she wanted to claim whole of him]

Rey threw her arms around his neck as she weaved her fingers into his hair; Kylo groaned into her open mouth. His lips tasted of alcohol, but also something so sweet, sweet like honey and she wanted to suck them dry.

[ _you know the truth about speed_ ,

she heard Luke’s voice somewhere in the back of her head]

[ _it doesn’t kill you_

_the collision does_ ]

And

[It wasn’t a kiss.]

It was _a stellar collision_.]

But her and Kylo weren’t just _any_ stars: they were binary stars, they would orbit, come close, neither escape and neither fall into each other.

They danced their dance on the welkin of nebulous fate.

They were never meant to kiss.

[ _matter and antimatter_ , Rey thought.]

She cupped his face.

Her greatest desire was always to taste his lips, because she knew it would be the taste of self-destruction.

[when matter and antimatter collide, they annihilate each other.]

And they were doing just that. They were destroying each other. They kissed deeper and deeper, faster and faster, driven by all-consuming, unbridled hunger. Rey wanted to just tear his jacket, shirt off from his shoulders and chest, she wanted his skin, naked skin and his mouth, his hands on her lips, neck, body, all over, _everywhere_ -

And she wanted to burn.

And him to burn with her.

They were pressing against each other so hard, like they believed they could overdrawn the physical limit of corporeality. They frantically tried to catch a breath between the kisses, before the other would once again claim the lips of the other as their own, sometimes missing them by inches and covering skin of the cheeks and chin, nose with angry pecks.

Rey’s mind, flesh were exploding in nebulae of loud colours of unfathomable desire she had never felt before. The world around her recollapsed to that small spot of just _him_ and _her_ in the ocean of cosmic noise.

She bit his lower lip. It tasted of hot wet iron.

They were at the zero point of their existence.

Kylo’s hands on her arms, hers on his neck, his hands on her waist, on her back. Rey wasn’t cold anymore – _she was vibrating, pulsating like a s t a r_ , _she was the M o r n i n g and E v e n i n g S t a r_ – and he was answering to her call.

And when their tongues meet, she stopped thinking; she rammed her nails into his head, so hard she heard him grunt and she kissed him deeper, deeper (why it wasn’t enough, god why it wasn’t enough?) and deeper.

She just wanted his mouth and wanted him whole, more than _whole_ ;

she wanted his heart and soul.

Every atom of it.

She held onto Kylo with every fiber of her being that still somehow existed, taking more and more, because for the first time in her life, _she could_ –

The kiss changed.

Kylo’s lips softened; his kisses became so sweet, tender the world swirled around her. One kiss, a peck after peck, rather a delicate caress than a kiss. Rey caressed his cheeks, his jaw, she could feel the hot breath on her lips, on her skin, when he was pressing his nose into her jaw.

Rey felt her skin starts to melt in the wavelengths of the heat radiating from his body.

She was shining too – the swan song, last rays of a dying star.

They breathed hard, lips numb; Kylo rested his forehead on hers.

Rey tried to make sense of what just happened; her thumb brushed corner of his lips that widened in a smile.

Kylo laughed.

Rey’s heart fluttered. She knew that laugh.

It wasn’t Kylo.

It was Ben.

Or at least she wanted to believe so.

She eased away from him, staring at him.

His eyes shone with joy she has never seen before; he looked younger, peaceful. Rey’s heart couldn’t handle it, because he was just that beautiful.

His eyes wandered on her face, Rey barely breathed.

‘I can’t… believe I’ve waited so long’ he said. ‘Rey –‘

Now she leant in and kissed him, before she moved away; he followed her, desperately trying to catch her lips before she would break the kiss; before their lips would touch, Rey pressed her finger to his lips.

‘Not so fast’ she whispered.

‘Speed is relative’ Ben breathed.

His hand went lower, under the strap of her dress; Rey took a deep breath. She glanced at him, trying not to smile.

He thought he has her wrapped all around his finger.

He could think that, she knew the truth.

Rey grabbed his hand behind her back.

‘I’m not done with you’ she said.

The dull crash echoed in the alley when Ben’s back hit the wall.

‘What are you doing?’ he asked, breathless.

She threw her coat on the ground and then she looked him up and down.

‘Rey –‘

‘Don’t move’ she whispered.

She came to him. Ben looked at her, all flushed. Just now Rey – not without some possessive satisfaction – noticed that his lips were all red from her lipstick. Not only his lips, but his cheeks, chin too.

[she wanted him marked.

he was hers.

o n l y hers.]

Ben closed his eyes, when she brushed his lower lip with her thumb. It was incredible to see him reacting to her every touch, even the most delicate one. She wanted to touch him everywhere, to see him lose control.

She wanted to lose it.

‘I don’t want to be alone’ she muttered as she was drawing the line of his lips with her finger.

Ben’s eyes were two black holes; hungry and immersive.

‘You’re not alo-‘

‘Tonight’ she whispered. ‘I don’t want to be alone _tonight_.’

Her fingers wandered lower, to his bowtie. She worked slowly as she untied it; the black fabric fell, contrasting on white shirt.

She looked up, to look Ben in the eye.

‘I want you to come with me tonight’ she confessed.

He didn’t reply. He stared at her. She actually would laugh, because his bewilderment was just cutely adorable. The fact he looked so genuinely shocked that she was saying this, like he really didn’t understand –

‘Rey?’

The small frown between his eyebrows; the way he was saying her name -

‘I… I want you’ she whispered.

Ben’s eyes widened in utter shock.

She unbuttoned first button of his shirt, then another. His chest was falling and rising, like the surface of the ocean.

‘I want you… if you want me’ she said. ‘If you don’t –‘

[her heart wouldn’t handle the rejection

not again]

She opened his shirt a bit, seeing his naked skin, glistering in the neon lights. She knew she plays with fire, that this is the last thing she should ever do –

But she was so tired. From running away from him.

Away from what she wanted.

And Rey wanted him.

She didn’t breathe; she caressed part of his bare chest and she leant in.

‘Jesus fuckin - _Rey_ –‘ Ben groaned.

She kissed his neck in slowest motions she could imagine; she kissed his jaw line, Adam’s apple, leaving a fading trace of lipstick marks. She felt him moving against her, especially when she would suck onto his skin; she kissed his ear too and almost laughed when he yanked like he got struck by lightning. He once again pressed her against him; she almost moaned, because it just felt surreal; she grabbed him by his jacket and pinned harder to the wall. His hands strayed lower and lower and –

Ben gasped.

Their gazes met.

‘I’m… I’m sorry’ he said. ‘I didn’t –‘

‘No, it’s okay’ she whispered. ‘It’s okay.’

Ben took a deep breath.

‘I just… I don’t… I don’t think’ he whispered. ‘I just… I want you. So much.’

He pressed his nose into her cheek, mouth next to hers.

‘So much’ he repeated, voice cracking. ‘So much, Rey.’

She tightly closed her eyes. His word just pulled a string inside her, so deep it hurt her.

[it was so close and yet –

not close enough]

[did he feel it too?

he had to]

‘It’s okay’ Rey whispered. ‘You can… touch me.’

She found his hand and interlocked fingers with him.

‘You can’ she breathed. ‘You can.’

She opened her eyes to see him watching her.

She squeezed his palm.

Ben glanced down as she guided his hand to her naked thigh.

His skin was calloused, but by so, perfect; she didn’t breathe, feeling just his touch.

God, she wanted more.

[she wanted to annihilate him,

And him to annihilate her too]

‘Don’t be afraid’ she whispered. ‘You can touch me.’

She pressed his hand harder.

‘I’m not… I’m not made from porcelain’ she added.

Ben laughed quietly.

‘I know’ he replied. ‘You’re a diamond, Rey.’

She took a deep breath when his thumb brushed all over her skin. The world tuned out, once again collapsed to the point of his hand on her skin. Rey could hear the cars, the music, the stars above her; she felt she’s at the center of the very universe.

She could feel the summer storm coming as the purple skies over Montreal murmured and her skin buzzed with electricity.

Rey looked at him. Kylo glared back at her, his face calm.

He raised her hand to his mouth.

She held her breath.

He kissed her wrist with a devastating awe, did he even know what he was doing to her? Rey watched him, the dark curls falling down his face, when he was marking her skin with one kiss after another.

Rey felt her cheeks getting redder and hotter with every second, her body tensing harder and harder. She was already melting.

Her body, her heart just wanted him like nothing else mattered anymore.

Their eyes met.

Their lips met halfway in another kiss; Ben was smiling, because she felt his smile against her lips –

But she was smiling too.

He knew. And he knew that she knows it too.

It wasn’t their last kiss tonight.

It was only the beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mean. 
> 
> I know that some of you didn’t believe they would ever kiss.
> 
> But they did.
> 
> THEY DID.
> 
> THEY FUCKING KISSSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> God y’all you HAVE NO IDEA HOW LONG I’VE WAITED TO WRITE THIS!
> 
> It only took me 100k huh. Only. 
> 
> I can only hope that the kiss matched your expectations, fuck. I was nervous that maybe I’m already delaying it too long, but I felt it’s the right time. I am nervous, kinda, because I wanted the kiss to be like sexy (duh), but mainly to be beautifully innocent in a way? And like, romantic. God, I hope I did it. I really hope. Finding the right balance was sos so hard and I wanted to show that these two idiots are in love. I didn't want to be graphic and like... porny? In a way like: oh she put tounge in his mouth they kissed a moan etc I mean yeah, we have it, but like I hope I did it poetically. Just, ya know.
> 
> I’ll shut up. 
> 
> Ok, some lingo:  
> Ты уверена в этом - are you sure, but in Russian (if there are Russians here, I’m sorry I try to learn the language, but we don’t get along with each other!)
> 
> Что если я из России - what if I’m from Russia, but in Russian
> 
> Vielleicht bin ich Deutscher – maybe I’m German, in German (or at least I hope it’s correct)
> 
> La vache – damn in French, usually used in Québec?
> 
> Pierre-Auguste Renoir, commonly known as Auguste Renoir - French artist who was a leading painter in the development of the Impressionist style. As a celebrator of beauty and especially feminine sensuality (huhu I see you Kylo).
> 
> Okay, so, some F1-racing-lingo time?  
> Ferrari really raises a flag when their driver win in their factory in Maranello.
> 
> Rally raids also known as cross-country rallying, is a form of long distance off-road racing that takes place over several days. The length of the event can be as short as 2–3 days for a cross-country baja to as long as 15 days with marathon rallies like the Dakar Rally; with other cross-country rally events lasting 4–5 days. With skill in navigation being key, the driving skill and endurance of riders, drivers, co-drivers, and machines are put to the test. The total distance covered can be anywhere between 600 km to over 5,000 km with terrain ranging from sandy dunes, forest roads, mountain roads, and dry river beds; among others.
> 
> FIA World Cup for Cross-Country Rallies is a rally raid series organised by the FIA, culminating with a champion driver, co-driver, and team; with additional trophies awarded to T2 and T3 drivers & teams.
> 
> And also, who knew Hux has a crush on Rose? Because I really was hinting at that hard XD And I adored writing Ahsoka and Cal. I’m a huge fan of Jedi Fallen Order and god, I need a sequel NOW
> 
> I can’t wait for your reaction guys and well, next chapter I don’t have to say what will happen ( ͡❛ ͜ʖ ͡❛)
> 
> God I’m sorry but I am E-X-C-I-T-E-D!!! 
> 
> As always, if you want to follow me you will find me here:  
> Tumblr: redbullmocktails.tumblr.com  
> Insta: agprosinska
> 
> Please take care of yourself, act responsible and I really hope you enjoyed this chapter as I enjoyed writing it.
> 
> Take care and see you next chapter!


	18. Chapter 17: Annihilation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My dear readers, I’m very excited (and anxious) to present you a new chapter of "driven". It was, wow, definitely the hardest chapter to write from this story. To say I’m not anxious is not enough. I’m extremely anxious and at some point I was sure to actually scrap it all, throw it away, because I still feel it’s not good enough, however my gf and beta persuaded me to post it. I’ll explain more of my worries in the ending notes, but just. I’m scared . Anxious. Because I really worked and thought about this scene for good 5 months. 
> 
> I know, I’m a loser. 
> 
> So, my dear readers, I hope you will enjoy this chapter. As always, I want to thank my gf who requested this fic and is my greatest inspiration. I want to thank my beta reader, Dot, who does an amazing job noticing things I don’t see. And they keep up with my mental breakdowns over stupid things, so really thank you <3
> 
> As always I’m posting here links to the videos my gf made for this story, check them out and leave a like at least ;)
> 
> So, as always, I’m putting here the videos she made for this story:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4T816WuZVvw  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0JchcXdyDj0&feature=youtu.be
> 
> She also made the edit for this chapter!
> 
> I’m also posting the songs I’ve listened while working on this chapter:  
> 1\. Spice Girls – Naked  
> 2\. Spice Girls – Last Time Lover  
> 3\. Spice Girls – 2 Become 1  
> 4\. Dua Lipa – Hotter than Hell  
> 5\. Britney Spears – Gimme More  
> 6\. Ariana Grande – God is a Woman  
> 7\. J2 [feat. Keeley Bumford] – Closer (this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iItdorcPMAQ)  
> 8\. Late Night Alumni - Sunrise Comes Too Soon
> 
> Okay, so that’s all. I can’t just keep you here with my stupid notes. Enjoy the chapter? Or I hope you will enjoy it.

> Not yet. Later. Anticipation is the greater part of pleasure, my little love.
> 
> ― Angela Carter, _The Bloody Chamber_

Kylo was barely thinking.

The rain started to fall down the moment they got inside the taxi. They were both quiet; Rey was almost drowning in the black of his suit jacket he gave her earlier. She tried to say she doesn’t need it between the kisses, but eventually agreed it would be a shame to stain her dress.

It would be worse than some shame, to be honest.

‘Where are we going?’ the taxi driver asked.

‘4031 Avenue Papineau’ Rey replied.

Kylo glanced at her; she held her head high with breathtaking composure. It seemed like the world grayed as she was radiant. She tucked one of loose strands of her hair behind her ear in one gentle move, her lips curling in a small smile that made his heart swollen with painful yearning for kissing her again.

He couldn’t take his eyes off her. Was she even real? Or Kylo got drunk, because he hardly believed he was here.

With her.

Rey looked just regal, when he – he was hunching, hiding in the dark, wanting to disappear.

The quiet tap of rain against the car’s windows accompanied them during their ride. Kylo not only was barely thinking, still processing what just happened, but he barely held himself together. He felt his body tense. He was never aware of it as he was now; his skin burnt him in the places where Rey left lipstick marks and he hardly could believe –

They kissed.

Rey kissed him.

The rain created the racing lines of droplets on the window’s pane. Kylo watched them as he was once again a small boy and he would spend hours in the long car trips before a new race.

But now, it felt so different.

His lips were still numb, skin oversensitive; could he really think that it would ever happen? Kylo could remember the nights, when he would lay down with his feet hanging from the bed and think – how would it feel to kiss Rey.

He was 17 when he first thought that and immediately felt bad about it. But he didn’t want more, just a peck of her lips on his cheek. That would do. And talking to her, listening to her spellbinding disquisitions about different aerodynamic approaches to racing cars or her talking about whether Brawn GP’s double diffuser really gave them advantage over other teams back in 2009. Was there something more beautiful than listening to people talking about what they were passionate about? Actually no. And Kylo loved, even if in that time he was pulling off a neutral, disinterested face, listening to her. Rey’s mind was as sharp as a saber and the moment when she was realizing that maybe she, indeed, talked to much, she was turning the sunset of blushes.

 _No, go on,_ he always failed to say until one day he didn’t. _Talk to me. I’m listening to you._

_I see you._

Because he would wait. He would never do anything more, he would never force her. But he knew that he has been in love with her, undoubtedly and irrevocably, since he remembered.

However, as the time passed his love grew and changed. Rey changed. Seeing her only made him more lost. And his thoughts wouldn’t be that innocent as he wanted them so. Kylo, of course, wanted a peck on his cheek, but he couldn’t help, but wonder, how would it feel to kiss Rey, kiss her skin, to touch her, feel her, to just show her he loves her in other ways just than a kiss.

And now… he would do it.

Or it looked like he would.

God.

He wasn’t prepared. Physically or mentally. In any way. God, he didn’t even have any kind of protection? And telling that Rey would be and will be humiliating, but he will do it anyway, because he won’t lie and risk anything.

But if they would end up doing it, what if he won’t… do it good? What if he won’t just… perform? Could Kylo call having sex a _performance_? God, it wasn’t like a free practice, he didn’t have to call it that way, like a tyre performance or something.

No, no, no, _no_. It was stupid, it was ridiculous.

Why he was even thinking about it?

And not sex. It sounded wrong. But calling it “love making” was even more ridiculous, because he had no idea how to _make love_.

Yeah, he was nervous. He was just straight up anxious. He wanted to vomit. It scared him, just scared him, because Rey either really was trusting him with that or she was –

Kylo drew a sharp breath as he felt her little finger brushing his hand.

Why this small touch, so innocent, still sent shivers down his spine?

‘You okay?’

He looked at Rey.

Her cheeks were still rosy, so cutely rosy. She was _shining_. He has never seen her that stunning. She looked at him all calm, like they really didn’t kissed in some dark alley some minutes ago.

Fuck, even the slightest memory of those lips on his was leaving him breathless.

‘I am’ he said.

God, he wasn’t okay.

He felt she just deconstructed his entire nervous system, she just broke him.

He touched his neck; did she really kiss him there?

Rey smiled once again at him. She was so peaceful. So sure.

And he was now blushing, like a fuckin’ virgin, but god, _he was a fuckin’ virgin_ –

Kylo exhaled deeply.

The car stopped at the red light. The taxi driver whistled something, as he patted the wheel.

Their gazes meet in the mirror.

Kylo felt the driver’s gaze falling down on his face and he tensed even harder; how did he look like? Probably like a catastrophe. Probably he looked ridiculous and like he just made out with a girl.

But fuck, he did make out with Rey. And it was amazing. He wasn’t sure what’s got into him, but fuck whatever it was, the loss of brain cells or demon, he was thankful.

The first time he tried to make out with Rey he got caught and ended with a slashed face.

But Rey didn’t want to hit him, Kylo recalled. She wanted to hit Poe.

He really wasn’t helping himself with all those thoughts.

Bloody hell, he knew he’s not the most attractive guy. He had a weird face. Big nose. A fucking big nose. Freckles all over his face. He had feminine lips. Large, protruding ears. He has been growing his hair long since he was 15 because of that.

When he was blushing, his ears were getting red too.

Not to add, he just knew he will make it so awkward. Awkwardly humiliatingly awkward. Because he had _no idea what to do_.

A man should know that. And he had a vague idea of what he should do, but would he do it?

He was already paralyzed with anxiety.

Rey just sat next to him, composed and decided.

Meanwhile, he was sure he’s having a nervous breakdown.

[green light.]

Kylo closed his eyes.

Just the thought, imagining Rey and him in such situation seemed just too perfectly sinful; it was something he didn’t even have the courage to think about, because he knew he would regret it.

And god, the thought about getting naked just… scared him. And seeing Rey too. She was a beautiful woman, god, she was a stunningly beautiful woman. And it was her. Kylo watched her grow and now she was like a desert rose, a night before its full bloom and he was scared. He was scared he would destroy her, her beauty in an ultimate profanation, a blasphemy.

Somehow, Rey wanted him. Even after everything he did to her – she wanted him.

And he knew that if he says no… she won’t ever come back.

He loved her.

[but did she love him too?]

His heart beat too fast as the car stopped by one of the brownstones. Kylo recognized a park on the other side of the street – La Fointaine – so it meant Rey didn’t rent a room at the hotel.

‘That will be 8 dollars’ the driver turned to them.

Kylo blinked; he thought about his wallet, he should be the one to pay, right?

‘Visa?’ Rey asked.

‘Of course.’

Kylo felt his cheeks redden, when Rey flashed her card over the reader.

‘Thank you and… goodnight.’

‘Goodnight’ Rey said, of course, with a stunning smile.

Kylo had some flash of thought that he should be the one to come out first and hold the door for Rey. He should. However, his brain function definitely just made him evolve back into ameba. So he sat, dumbfound and dumbstruck, seeing Rey getting out of the taxi.

‘If I were you I wouldn’t let her wait’ he heard. ‘You got lucky.’

Kylo chuckled.

‘Thanks’ he muttered.

He almost fell getting out of the taxi.

‘Good luck’ he heard the taxi driver’s voice behind him.

He felt as the blood hits his cheeks. And ears.

He didn’t reply; he just smashed the door behind him.

The rain sounded like wind bells; Rey stood, waiting for him by the door to her apartment, lighted by the porch light.

He stopped, bewildered. 

Jesus, she was breathtaking.

No, he couldn’t do it.

‘Come, you’ll get all wet’ she nodded her head at him. ‘Come.’

How could he say no?

[a siren song, he thought

And he wanted to drown]

He opened the wicket gate hesitantly, the wet metal felt like polished horn under his touch. He couldn’t take his eyes off her. The lights of the city blur the outline of the buildings and trees. Every step he took, Kylo had an impression he leaves the real world behind, entering the dream one.

The rain falling down on his shoulders; the hazy colorful shadows dancing in the dark windows, wet façade and leaves of the tree by the porch had all the qualities of a dream.

And Rey waiting for him, surrounded by the soft aureole of gold.

He stopped right next to her, speechless.

‘For a moment I thought you would run away’ she whispered.

He couldn’t reply. He only could gaze at her.

Rey smiled slightly and looked down; he heard her opening the door.

‘Come in’ she said.

He got into the hall as Rey closed the door behind him.

‘It’s nice right?’

He turned to her as she was putting her dirty coat on the side, smiling at him.

‘I don’t like hotels much and I’ve rented this loft for four days. Nearby there are tennis courts at the park’ she smiled even wider.

Kylo watched her as she took off his jacket as well. He once more could see her naked shoulder and velvet of the dress clinging to her waist perfectly.

‘Thank you’ she said, giving it back.

Kylo took it, still silent whereas Rey proceeded to take her high heels off.

‘God’ she muttered, when they hit the floor. ‘It was a pure torture. I miss my racing shoes.’

She breathed a deep sigh of relief and shook her head; Kylo watched her face, dazed; why everything was twisting painfully in him?

Kylo averted his eyes, feeling his cheeks getting red once again.

How could Rey be so carefree?

‘Do you want anything to drink?’ he heard her from the kitchen. She turned the water off and he saw her drying her hands with a paper towel.

‘N-no, thank… you’ he muttered.

‘Put your hands out’ she said.

He mindlessly did it as she squeezed some soap onto his hands.

She was so close he could breathe her skin in; he focused on washing his hands, avoiding her gaze, but when she gave him another paper towel, she said:

‘You’re not okay.’

‘I –‘

‘Look’ she shook her head. ‘I don’t want to force anything, but if you feel like I just did –‘

‘No, no ‘ he whispered. ‘ _No._ ’

Rey looked up to him. He could see the shadow of a doubt in her eyes, however she still shone aglow .

Fucking God, he already was destroying everything. She could think she’s the problem, when he was.

His biggest enemy: he himself in the fuckin’ flesh.

Rey tilted her head.

‘So, what’s wrong?’

Kylo gulped.

What was wrong?

 _He_ was wrong.

He was _the wrong person_.

‘Rey…’ he began, but then he instantly fell silent.

He was rumpling the paper towel in his hands. No, he had to be honest with her

‘I don’t…. have protection’ he confessed. ‘I just… I think you should know that, because if we would, you know, do anything, I mean, purely… theoretically? In theory? Not that… eh… I won’t do it… I won’t risk…’

He closed his eyes. It was this then, _h-u-m-i-l-i-a-t-i-o-n_.

‘Jesus fuck, god, Rey, I’m sorry, I’m the worst at this –‘

‘Hey, hey, look at me.’

He felt her still wet hand on his cheek and took a deep breath.

‘Look at me’ she whispered. ‘Kylo, look at me.’

He liked the way she said his name. His heart still raced fast, but his breathing slowed down.

He opened his eyes and met the hazel ocean of her gaze.

She smiled at him.

‘You don’t have to worry about this’ she said quietly.

‘It’s not me, but… us’ he replied. ‘It’s not… safe. For you.’

‘I take pills’ she said.

Kylo blinked in surprise. Pills like…?

‘I have… period pains. Rather hard’ she added. ‘And it helps. You know, hormones.’

Kylo frowned.

‘Oh.’

‘So, you don’t have to worry. ‘

He was worrying anyway.

But why he was sabotaging himself so hard? He wanted it, he wanted her and still –

Rey leant in and kissed his cheek.

– he was overthinking, he finished in his mind.

Rey eased away from him. Kylo stared at her lips without saying a word.

Then, he looked her in the eyes.

‘So, what’s else?’ she asked, voice soft.

He had several fears, but definitely he couldn’t say them out loud and not to her.

‘Kylo’ she whispered.

Why was she so nice to him? The smile curled her lips in a way that made him just…

God, she knew. He knew that, the moment she pushed him and pinned to the wall. The moment she called him a liar.

She provoked him. She knew he would kiss her or she hoped so. Or he hoped so she did it on purpose.

Did she know he would lose his mind seeing her? Was it her revenge? He was clearly overthinking, but it was a dream, it had to be. But she was so open, so honest.

And he was tired. And apart from his anxieties killing him right now, he dreamed of nothing else, but making love to her.

‘I’ve… I’ve never done it with anyone’ he finally said. ‘You would be… first.’

And only, he added in his mind.

She cupped his face and he eased into her touch.

‘You will be my first too’ she whispered.

Kylo took a deep breath..

First?

‘F-first’ he asked.

She really didn’t…?

He didn’t know if he was relieved or actually, more nervous now.

Rey had to sense his anxiety. She didn’t reply; she stood on her tiptoes and kissed him.

Jesus Christ, did he just got addicted to the taste of her lips?

He stood for a while, frozen, before he put his hands on her waist, pressing her closer, feeling once more as she smiles; his heart seemed to break, flooding his body with adoration for her.

He always wanted to make her smile.

And he used to make her mad and cry.

Rey moved away; her hands left his face, the memory of her touch still burning.

He could only stare at her.

She had him. He was hers.

Always.

‘Everything will be fine’ Rey said. ‘We’ll figure it out. Okay?’

So sure, so calm.

Kylo took a deep breath.

‘Okay’ he replied, avoiding her eyes, but he stole a quick glance at her. His cheeks crimson again.

‘Yes, we will’ he added.

Her fingers found his hand as she squeezed it.

Her bare feet hit the wooden stairs with every stair tread when she led him upstairs.

What he could do?

He didn’t want to resist anymore.

Once they were by the bedroom door, she turned to him and they kissed again. Kylo held her close, trying to seal the broken kisses right away with new ones; Rey was smiling – he couldn’t tell whether it was a grin or she was happy – but she was smiling.

She led him further and further; he heard her opening the door as they leant against it, still kissing. However, the momentum made him crush into her and pin to the wobbling door.

In the process, he, in rather inelegant fashion, planted a kiss on her nose.

‘Sorry’ he whispered.

He was surprised with how he sounded; he barely could talk at this point; his voice was lower, so much lower and hoarse.

Rey touched his nose with hers; he felt her fingers cupping side of his face.

‘Don’t be’ she replied.

Before he said anything, she kissed his nose.

The door behind them moved.

‘God’ Kylo laughed. ‘Too fast.’

‘What’s wrong, Mr “Speed is relative”?’ she asked.

He wasn’t used to feeling so much. To feeling bad things yes, but _this_ –

He brushed her cheek and put a lost strand of hair behind her ear.

Not racing, he thought. Not titles.

He just wanted Rey.

And now his heart, his body, was breaking because of love he had for her.

Rey leant in and kissed his neck. How did she know it was his weak spot?

But after all, she was his weak spot.

Kylo knew no man is pure of soul. He knew his past, his sins, the every crack in his mind that scarred his psyche forever. He remembered the nights, when he half-dreamed about kissing Rey, her body and he knew he’s sinning again, but only God knew that and he knew Kylo couldn’t stop.

But now, it didn’t feel like a sin anymore.

Feeling Rey’s lips on his skin was an absolute absolution.

She led him further and further into the room and he just let her. The last thoughts of some common sense, the sanity – was fading away. Nothing could compare to the conflagration rising inside him. It was blistering heat, thousands time worse than the one that was making tyres degrade during races – Kylo felt he is the one degrading, under her touch, kiss after kiss, touch after touch, that she peels him from layers making his physical form.

His hands went tighten on her back as Rey marked her way up his neck. He was getting hotter and hotter, Kylo knew that tension in his body and blood burning in his veins.

[some people say the world will end in fire

some people say it will end in ice

his world was ending in desire

it was consumed by the heavenly fire]

Kylo heard a low murmur of a thunderstorm and the rain getting up; but he wasn’t afraid anymore. No water would put out the fire raging inside his soul and burning his skin – because he knew –

– he knew –

Rey broke the kiss and moved away from him; he was right away in pain from absence of her touch.

‘Rey’ he whispered; voice seeming to die away of constant taps of heavy rain.

She looked once again at him. Her eyes weren’t just now eyes: they were liquid mirrors of soft melted stars, iridescent paths of destiny he always longed to know.

But he always knew.

His destiny laid with her.

Hecate, Nyx, Selene, Asteria; all of the goddesses of the night and star-written fate.

And Rey, the goddess of his fate.

[she had him

she possessed his whole soul

now she would possess his flesh as well

and he was more than happy to offer it to her]

Her hands stopped on collar of his shirt, raggedly buttoned again before they got into the taxi. Kylo wasn’t sure where he lost his bowtie.

Probably it laid somewhere in the dark alley behind the hotel.

‘I want to see you’ he heard her raspy voice; it sent a deep shiver down his spine.

Kylo took a deep breath.

The murmur of the storm; lights dimmed a bit, like a pulsing star.

They were alone, only her and him.

He stared at her, forgetting about anything else.

Rey’s fingers still waited on first button, when she looked at him.

‘Kylo’ she spoke again.

His name said by her lips. He really couldn’t breathe.

‘Y-yes’ he finally said.

He didn’t even dream about asking her to undress; he knew it would be wrong, that he’s here because of her invitation. And he didn’t know if seeing her naked wouldn’t blind him for he didn’t truly believe he deserves her.

Was it how the mortal lover of a goddess felt like?

Kylo barely breathed while she was unbuttoning his shirt, button after button and this – so mundane and normal action, after all – suddenly seemed to be a torture in its slowness. Rey’s fingers brushed his skin, already glistening with sweat and when her hands were lower, just over his abdomen, he closed his eyes.

He wanted so much to be touched by her. So much that if he would show her, he wouldn’t be so gentle.

So he stood still, heart racing.

Rey gently pulled out his shirt from his pants.

For some time, he didn’t feel her touch anymore; only her breathing.

He opened his eyes to find her just in front of him.

She delicately proceeded to take off his shirt, touching, brushing his collarbones and shoulders, muscle after muscle, studying him.

He was burning under her touch in the best and worst way impossibly possible.

Finally, the shirt fell on the floor.

But Kylo was naked long since.

Rey stared at him; he could feel her eyes wander over his torso. He knew that gaze of hers; analytical. She watched him the way she looked at the car or data – like he was the system of variables she wanted to learn, deconstruct, put together again to fully understand. She watched him, she analyzed him, her touch was the one of an engineer.

However, her gaze softened at some point; her face as well. He couldn’t fully comprehend what changed – and why – but she gingerly, with the fingertips , touched his chest.

‘You’re… absolutely beautiful‘ she shook her head. ‘Do you know that?’

Kylo frowned. Was she serious?

She didn’t see herself?

‘Beautiful’ she said again, brushing her fingertips across his chest. He knew he should say something, but he felt just another wave of blood hitting his cheeks.

No one ever called him beautiful before.

She looked at him.

He only saw truth in her iridescent eyes.

Rey slowly rounded him. Her fingers, a touch of rose petals, were marking lines of his spine, the lines of his shoulder. Kylo was stunned and winded; he trembled when she was touching him and he trembled when she wasn’t – and he felt he would explode any minute, but he knew he can’t rush her as she was the one to dictate pace.

And he also knew everything here was on her terms.

Rey’s fingers stopped at the old slash of the scar.

Kylo’s heart stopped as well.

She moved her finger up, further and further up. Her touch was gentle, so gentle.

‘I’m so sorry’ she whispered, caressing his cheek with her thumb. ‘I’ve never wanted to hurt you.’

He never wanted to hurt her too.

‘I know’ he replied.

He loved her so much his body seemed to be too small to contain it. Kylo touched her cheek, cupped it, mirroring her – his thumb was so close to her lips that were still red, but not from lipstick anymore.

But from kisses.

Now he leant in and kissed her.

[her lips were too sweet, that sweet he was already dizzy

he didn’t need alcohol to get drunk – but only her

it was that easy]

Rey’s hands pressed him harder against her; her body was strong, lithe, yet she seemed to fade away in his arms.

He wanted to lose himself in her.

Maybe it was the only time – he didn’t want to think about this. But he wanted to make her feel, show her what he feels for her. He wanted her naked skin, he wanted to try to touch her soul.

He was never good with words, after all.

He kissed her deeper and deeper. She sighed quietly in his lips and a deep pull of something more than desire pulled inside him.

What were they now? Loving her never felt wrong, even if Rey was adopted by his uncle. He knew they belonged together, bonded by something deeper and more primeval than some teenage infatuation.

Les Amoureux, he thought.

The lovers.

They were lovers.

_j'ai tellement envie de toi_

_я так сильно тебя хочуv_

_i want you so much_

[he put kiss after kiss on her neck]

_je t’aime tellement,_   
_Я так тебя люблю_

_I love you so much_

[he wanted to kiss every

freckle on her shoulders]

_vous me possédez_

_ты владеешь мной_

_you have me_

[she smiled against his lips]

[always.]

‘Just-just’ she breathed. ‘God.’

Kylo once again kissed her and sucked onto her lips.

Rey threw her hands around his head and held him close.

Yes, she did have him.

They tasted their lips savored by the lips of the other; Kylo leant to her, his hands going lower and lower as he pressed his cheek to her face. He felt Rey’s hot breath on his ear, her lips just brushing it.

‘Undress me’ she whispered.

[how could she be on fire and so wet at the same time?]

[she had no idea]

Rey breathed hard.

She moved away from Kylo. He looked at her, dark-eyed.

She could feel gaze on her shoulders like he was touching her with his hands.

She was dazed how delicate his kisses were, so considerate, passionate, yet suggestive.

She knew he wanted her, that he desired her, but he waited. There was that seething energy between them, the way their breaths seemed to go faster and faster, eyes falling on the other, bodies gravitate towards each other. Rey wanted to touch him, ram her nails and leave marks on his skin.

She knew he’s close to losing control as much as she was.

She never thought of herself to be that bold.

It was bravado. Hubris.

It was madness.

But god, if she didn’t kiss him more, every beauty mark on his skin, freckle, that furrow between his eyebrows and his ears, she would go crazy.

Kylo, Ben – she wanted so much him to be Ben now – tightened his fingers on her waist. Rey stole a quick glance at his naked chest, feeling another clench of this yearning deep inside her.

The man standing in front of her was almost nothing _her_ Ben used to be. How many times Rey would flush scarlet seeing him before going to bed when he was staying with her and Luke? She was no stranger to seeing half-naked boys; she would see them change their shirts into fireproofs before the kart races, seeing them running on the tracks, when the sun was setting low. She would look away, but out of courtesy. They were _boys_ and Rey wasn’t interested in _boys_. She was a racing driver; she was destined, as Poe, Luke or Leia said, for greater things.

Nonetheless, seeing _Ben_ was different.

She didn’t lie, he was simply beautiful. Not handsome, not in a classical way. Years of exercise and racing left Rey’s body strong and lean to withstand g-forces and brutal F1 regulations regarding drivers. In Ben’s case, they battered his body into the tight mass of muscles on wide, slender frame of athletic body.

There was nothing boyish about him anymore.

Another clench in her stomach; she took a deep breath.

She shouldn’t be naive. She knew what she can expect asking Ben to come with her. She wanted it. She wanted him. She never felt it _that_ strong, she never wanted anybody else, she didn’t know it’s possible to want someone so much.

And she knew why. It wasn’t just desire, lust.

It was love she buried deep inside her, in the nooks of her soul and mind, and body, and it burnt inside her till now – when they flared in powerful and luminous stellar explosion.

And her heart, soul was the core of this love’s supernova.

And now it collapsed.

Ben’s eyes wandered all over her face in anticipation. But she didn’t know what to do now, her mind was blank.

She shivered as he caressed her arm, lower and lower. His hand went lower to her hips. Their eyes met - his eyes were even darker now, shining like topaz.

‘What – what are you doing?’ Rey breathed.

Not taking eyes off her, Kylo got down on his knees. She vaguely touched his hair, her heart stopping for a fraction of millisecond, she felt his hot breath on her stomach, when he pressed his face to it.

His hands went lower and lower – down her hips, and if there was material of her dress on one side, there was only her naked and too sensitive skin on the other.

She felt his palm going up and down on her thigh. She trembled; her fingers tightened on his head as she drew a deep, shaking breath. His skin was calloused, but the touch delicate and his fingertips just touching-touching her, meandering, erring over her skin, closer and closer to the edge of her dress.

Rey wanted to ask him why he is doing this, she didn’t simply understand; she looked down, feeling her knees just weaken, just to find him already waiting for her gaze.

His thumb brushed her skin, just under her dress and –

Rey gasped.

She could see his eyes darken with realisation. Before she told him to get up and kiss her again –

A quiet moan escaped her mouth.

Feelings his hands on her naked skin was already sinfully perfect.

Feeling his lips was just fescennine.

He was placing kiss after a kiss up her leg; Rey bit her lip, closing her eyes as the caress grew more and more unbearable in its passion. She could feel the hunger radiating from him, like he wanted to just bite into her skin and yet, his kisses were impassionedly tactful.

The true duality of him always wildered her. He was gentle and violent at the same time.

She felt his lips, his hot breath as he stopped kissing her and nestled his face into her skin; his hair were titillating her, so hard, if not for his tight hold of his arm around her, she would just fall to her knees.

But she understood, she finally understood.

[boys can try to force you to do some things, Leia would say

they will flirt with you, hunt you, court you, ask you for a kiss

never trust a stranger, Rey, you can’t know how it will end]

[some men have a wolf heart and they are carnivore incarnate

once they had a taste of your young flesh then nothing else will do

but what it meant if only immaculate flesh appeased her too?]

Kylo grabbed her now harder, sliding his hand under her dress. Rey moaned, desperate; she felt his hand close on her butt cheek when he kissed her skin with a fervour of a maniac. The waves of wet heat were hitting her one after another, deeper and deeper to her core. She was throbbing as the desire, hunger, yearning – any word she would use wasn’t even close to what she was feeling – was consuming her.

She was really falling to pieces.

[annihilation, she thought

  1. act of destroying; turning into nothing, nonexistence
  2. process of a particle and its corresponding antiparticle combining to produce energy.



_~~a paradox?~~ _

how could the destruction be the beginning?]

[she had no idea.

she was now a paradox, antinomy of herself.]

She was never as aware of her body, how tensed, tight, wet – she had a whole nebular ocean of melting stars inside her – it was as it was now.

Their eyes met; his eyes, dark, nocturnal, devastating eyes; black holes, not eyes.

Rey touched Ben’s chin; his skin was as hot as hers. He lifted his head to her.

They both stared at each other in silence.

He got up as she turned, closing her eyes. She was trembling so hard, it was a miracle she still was standing.

His shaky hands found the zip of her dress. She only felt his hot and fast breath on her skin when he was kissing her neck and shoulder.

She felt his thumb brush the line of her spine and then, his lips. She was sweating, she was shivering under his caresses. His hands went lower and lower; she partially turned her head to find his lips in a kiss, when he was taking off her dress, now only holding on her one shoulder.

One, second, third kiss; she felt his soft mouth in a place where just a second ago her dress was touching her now oversensitive skin.

The dress fell down to her ankles.

Rey felt like with this she’s losing part of her skin.

She wouldn’t need it again, she knew that.

Rey found his hands; he interlocked his fingers with hers. She leant back on him, feeling his chest, his heart beating against her back, his hot flesh against hers. They both breathed heavily.

[Somewhere, under her half-closed eyelids, Rey saw the flash of lighting illuminating the room, making the light flicker;

but the thunder murmur reverberated in the room, her heart with given time.]

Ben clasped their hands over her stomach, still placing kisses on her neck. His hair titillated her skin. Rey took a deep breath, feeling another clench inside her. She had no underwear expect her knickers now.

She wanted more, she wanted more of him.

She wanted _him_.

She turned around. She felt his eyes wander over her body seeing how his eye and face change.

She knew he wanted her. As much as she wanted him too.

But their hunger had a deeper meaning to it and was harder to appease.

Ben’s hair fell in most beautiful cascades of locks over his forehead; she wanted to kiss every beauty mark, corners of his mouth, his scar, his eyelids if he would close his eyes.

He rested his forehead on hers.

‘You’re not beautiful’ he whispered, hardly moving his lips.

She hardly recognised his voice anymore; it was a low growl that was just twisting everything inside her, sound after sound, like he was just reinventing speech.

His fingers clenched on her waist, pressing her harder to him.

Rey took a deep breath.

‘You’re devastating’ he said. ‘You…you devastate me.’

Her heart beat so fast; she never felt so alive. She was dying under his touch and she was never so alive.

‘I want to’ she replied. Ben pressed his forehead harder to hers, his fingers gripping her with the strength of vice.

‘I want to devastate you’ she breathed. ‘I want... you.’

‘I’m yours’ Ben replied. ‘God, Rey, I’m only yours.’

[he really was saying truth in that moment

she had him, she owned him, but he was never happier to be hers]

They collided again in a kiss; Ben found her hands on his suit pants zipper. For a moment, he felt panic; he was painfully aware what was happening to him, but he also knew what he wanted. He was already half-naked, but there was certain vulnerability to be fully naked – and he worried he would do something wrong and –

His thoughts faded away in the moment when she started to unzip his pants. He kissed her harder; they struggled a bit with balance as they tried to not break a kiss, but apparently it didn’t help with taking off his trousers.

The moment he felt her naked leg brush over his thigh he felt he definitely had to die and went to heaven already.

Rey kissed him and eased away from him. He felt his body tensed when she looked him up and down; once again, her gaze made him blush and he felt sudden urge to cover himself.

But also, he couldn’t move watching her.

The longer he looked at her – the line of her legs, of refined thighs, hips, waist, her breasts (god they were so cutely small, he could cover them with his hand!) her collarbones and that long neck. And her body was all rosy, flushed in all shades of beautiful pink spilled on the canvas sprinkled with golden-brown freckles.

Devastating, she was devastating.

He took a deep breath.

She brushed some hair from her face. The way her body moved, even in that simple motion, was perfect.

He stared at her. Rey frowned.

‘Socks too’ she said.

‘What?’ he breathed.

‘Take them off’ she whispered. ‘Then underwear. I want to see you naked.’

Jesus Christ.

He stared at her. Rey tilted her head.

He looked down.

He could do it. And really, if he would have to do it, he definitely had to take them off. Like, socks were a turn off? Yeah, they were. So he had to. It was easy. So so easy. Easy-peasy.

Jeez.

He felt her eyes on him as he bend down and started taking his socks off.

He really couldn’t meet her eyes.

When he threw them to the side, he froze.

‘Now underwear.’

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

He could do it, he could –

‘Open your eyes.’

He felt her delicate touch on his cheek. He sighed.

‘I’m sorry’ he said.

‘Don’t be’ she whispered. ‘I’ll do it first.’

She moved away as he watched; she stood just behind window, illuminated by the neon halo of street lights. The room around them seemed to lose all qualities of reality; reds of the walls were melting, breathing, coursing. The further Rey was, the less real she seemed to be as well – but she had to be a dream, his dream.

His dream come true.

She slowly stripped down from her black panties – and she was wearing one of those high waisted underwear - as he felt his heart slow down.

The quiet thump of them falling on the floor echoed in his head.

He momentarily closed his eyes. God, it was unreal. It was just unreal. His heart started beating again, faster and faster.

He didn’t have the courage to look down there again, so he looked her in the eye.

And she waited.

Now it was his turn.

‘Take it off’ she said. ‘Now.’

She was trembling too; she was stark naked and he was going blind.

He grabbed the material of his underwear. He could do it or run away.

He took a deep breath and took them off.

For a moment, he just stood, watching her.

Rey’s eyes fell down.

Bare your heart to her, he thought. Bare your soul. Bare your body.

God, he was so ashamed. Because what she could think seeing his state?

Rey’s eyes widened as he pursed his lips.

Yeah, that was the end.

She looked away, he saw her chest rising with another breath, her cheeks painted with another pinks when she touched her neck.

‘You-you know’ he choked. ‘I… I know that… I know that I-‘

Rey shook her head.

‘No, no’ she said, but her voice was all muffled. ‘I just –‘

‘Yeah?’ he asked.

She gulped.

‘I didn’t…’ her eyes fell down and she closed her eyes. ‘Oh god.’

What did she mean by that? Good? Bad? Probably bad.

Rey suddenly laughed. His stomach dropped.

‘No, no, I’m just’ she smiled. ‘Give me a second. I’ve just never… seen a man before. Naked.’

He nodded.

’I have never seen a woman, but I mean… ‘

‘You’re just’ she did a sudden gesture in the air. ‘You’re… you’re pretty… big.’

‘Like… I don’t know the sizes or anything, but just…’ she laughed again. ‘God, I’m sorry. I’m not helping.’

‘No actually’ he whispered.

She came to him.

‘I’m sorry’ she said. ‘I just didn’t… I mean, I bet we will find a way to… make it work.’

Did she mean…?

He frowned.

‘Are… are you sure?’ he breathed.

Rey smiled.

‘I am.’

Why his confidence was constantly appearing and disappearing? He had no idea what made him just fell to his knees and kiss her, but now he once again felt blocked. He wanted her so much and still –

‘I think I know what is your problem’ Rey said.

Before he even thought which one of his problems she had in mind, she pushed him onto the bed.

And before he even realized what happened, she straddled him.

She leant over, just a breath away from his lips.

‘You think too much’ she said.

It was an utter perfection, to see him under her, staring at her in shocked awe. Rey sat straight on him, feeling his body moved under her. Just now she realised their naked skins finally touched.

Ben had to realize that too.

‘Rey.’

Another worried frown appeared between his dark brows. He was absolutely beautiful under her, she felt him – and she wanted to feel him more – but she knew if they want to move further, they needed to talk.

She got off him and, followed by his eyes, she laid next to him.

‘You don’t only think too much’ she whispered. ‘You also worry _too_ much.’

He pursed his lips.

‘I do’ he said.

His eyes wandered for a second over her body, she could feel his eyes on her chest. Ben took a deep breath and shook his head.

‘And you don’t worry?’ he asked.

She did.

She did worry a lot.

‘I do’ she said. ‘But they say… first time… is hard.’

‘I kinda… figured it out’ he said.

‘It doesn’t have to be perfect’ she put her hand on his chest.

He glanced at her.

‘It’s about with whom you do it’ she added. ‘And I-‘

‘I don’t know how to do it’ he interrupted. ‘I watched some porn when I was younger, okay? I mean… to just kind of understand how it looks like. Everybody does, at some point. And I did stuff with myself… but not to… anyone else. I don’t know what to do, how to do it, where to touch –‘

‘Please –‘

‘Rey, I want…’

He laughed – she could see his beautiful smile again – and she knew, it’s apologetic.

‘I want to make it good. Not perfect. To make _you_ feel good. A man… should have experience, right? But to have experience… I would have to do it with somebody else. And I never wanted that.’

His words made her breathless.

‘Just… look at yourself, Rey’ he said, voice filled with pain. ‘God, who wouldn’t want you? And you choose… me?’

It was clear he wanted her – but she knew their history, their relationship was already complex, but they couldn’t even have this night?

‘… Kylo’ she said.

It hurt her to not call him Ben, but she knew it was _him_.

‘Give me… your hand’ she whispered. ‘Please.’

She turned on the side. The rain from the windows was staining his face with shadows of droplets, falling down his cheeks, jaw.

She found his hand. She brushed it with her thumb, she felt the bones, his knuckles. His hand was bigger than hers, they were giant; she wondered how they operated on the steering wheel, but also – his fingers were long and beautiful.

The hands of an artist, not a racing driver; she thought.

She took it and squeezed it.

He watched her as she lifted it up to her lips. She pressed her lips delicately do his skin. She kissed his knuckles she opened his palm and kissed its center.

She heard his gasp.

And in the end, she put his hand on her chest, in the place of her beating heart.

The shock in his eyes told her he wants to back his hand, but she pressed it harder.

‘It’s okay’ she said. ‘I told you… I want you to touch me.’

Ben’s cheeks, ears too, were now bright red. He looked at their hands as she felt her heart beating against his palm.

‘Can you feel it?’

‘Y-yes’ he replied.

She brushed hair from his cheek, feeling how hot his skin was.

‘I want you’ she said. ‘I want you and nobody else.’

Ben gulped.

‘I am… I am a wrong guy’ he said. ‘I’m a wrong person for you.’

Why hearing this was breaking her heart?

Rey smiled.

‘Then why I’ve always imagined this moment with you and only you?’ she asked.

[wave after wave of paradoxical wet dry heat moisture

washed the shores of ocean of her flesh

she was the ocean

she was the shore

she was a littoral cave]

Shock washed over Ben’s face. He stared at her, speechless.

‘With me?’ he asked.

Rey’s heart beat slowly against his hand.

‘Yes’ she whispered.

[and the depth of her feelings for him was fathomless.]

He looked down and smiled as quiet, sheepish laugh escaped his mouth.

‘I’ve craved you for so long I don’t remember not wanting to kiss you’ he said. ‘I knew I shouldn’t. But it never felt wrong.’

She knew what he meant. It never felt wrong. And knowing they don’t regret anything – that was their blame.

His thumb brushed her skin, followed by an instant yearning pull in her.

’I’ve never wanted… anyone. Only you’ Ben said.

‘Me too.’

He pursed his lips.

‘And Kestis?’

His voice grew colder and tenser. Rey took a deep breath.

‘I’ve… spent my life… wanting you to finally see me. Not… as your little cousin or worse… adopted sister’ she confessed. ‘I didn’t understand why you were so harsh with me, but I knew… it’s not who you really are.’

‘You would always help me, if I asked you to’ she said. ‘Even if you were acrid. But it sounded… fake to me.’

‘You would stay with me, supposedly reading a book and I couldn’t just stop babbling about…I don’t know…Tyrell P34. Luke and Poe hardly ever listened. You did’ she laughed quietly. ‘You would… have that little smile and I was feeling…’

Rey shook her head.

‘I knew the way you looked at your mother and uncle… when they didn’t see you’ she whispered. ‘You thought nobody sees you. Or listens. But I did. And I do.’

‘And being stupid teenager… what could I do to get your attention?’ she asked. ‘I made you mad. And it worked.’

Rey smiled.

‘Today it worked too’ she whispered.

Ben’s lips trembled; he opened his mouth, but there were no words said.

‘I knew it’ he shook his head. ‘Or… I hoped. Kind of.’

He got nearer her; she let go off his hand as he placed it on her cheek.

‘I was ready to pick my eyes out seeing you today’ he said.

He fell silent.

‘In… good way’ he added. ‘Not bad. Not Oedipus way. I mean, you looked… _look_ –‘

She smiled. She put her hand on his and turned her head to kiss it.

‘You don’t look worse yourself’ she said. ‘You’re beautiful.’

He wasn’t used to compliments, she could tell that. And she actually loved how he blushed.

‘I just came…. Because I had to see you’ he said. ‘Even from far away. And even if it hurt me.’

Her hand wander on his forearm to his arm, then to his torso. Ben took a deep breath.

‘Did you enjoy watching me?’ she asked.

She looked him in the eyes.

‘I was so mad at you, when you rejected me’ she said. ‘I know it’s petty, but I wanted you to suffer seeing me and knowing you could have me.’

Ben’s face tensed.

‘Fuck, you are just… mean’ he breathed. ‘But yes, you made me suffer.’

‘You were pretty mean not kissing me before’ she pointed out.

‘Yeah’ he grimaced. ‘I was beating myself for it every day. And night. I deserved it.’

She smiled.

‘And what did you think that you wanted to poke your eyes out? Not a bit dramatic?’

‘I don’t know if going straight to you and kissing you would be any less dramatic’ he said. ‘Not minding that everyone, including my mother, would see this.’

Rey laughed.

‘But you did just that.’

‘Behind a hotel in some dark alley. And I would do more’ he said.

Rey laughed again, but saw his serious face.

‘What… what do you mean?’ she asked.

Ben was silent.

‘I just wanted to take your dress off and make love to you’ he said quietly. ‘From the moment you came.’

Rey felt her cheeks redden.

His hand went lower to her waist and curve of her bony hip.

‘Jesus Christ’ she heard his muffled whisper. ‘Just devastating.’

They looked at each other. They were both short of breath; Rey could tell the atmosphere changed; air between them electrified, coagulated.

‘Are… are you sure about that’ he asked, breathless.

Was she?

‘Yes’ she replied. ‘I want you. …now.’

They collided again in a spectacular kiss. Rey felt him pressing to her, his arms around her, legs tangled. She sighed with relief; it was so close, feeling his lips on hers, his hands on her.

But it wasn’t enough.

‘If I think too much’ Ben breathed between kissed.

‘Don’t think’ she replied at once placing another kiss on his lips.

‘I don’t want to hurt you –‘

‘– you… won’t.’

[Tight embrace of the lovers was the triad of thesis, antithesis and synthesis of dream and reality. She wanted to melt into his touch and absorb him as he would absorb her; the kiss wasn’t only a kiss, like their bodies weren’t just bodies. ]

They touched each other, kissing, eyes closed; Rey wanted to learn him, every curve of his body, every bone, every line. His hands wandered all over her flesh more and more daringly as she kissed him and he kissed her and they kissed each other.

Another thunder scattered the room when they continued; she sighed deeply as she felt his soft lips on her collarbone, lower and lower and she waved her fingers into his dark locks. His touch both made her feel real and unreal, devastated her; she felt her heart pulse, wither, she was stark-naked, bared.

They didn’t have anything to hide anymore.

[consume

eat

devour]

[annihilate]

[a paradox.]

At some point – after the aeons of kisses and touches – she found his hand and interlocked fingers with him. He partially laid on her as they kissed, but froze, when he realized what she was doing.

His dark eyes fell on her, face blank.

'You’re-you’re wet’ he whispered, breathless.

She felt another flush painting her cheeks red, but also Ben’s cheeks as well. She spread her legs a bit wider. She pressed his hand, doing it slowly - slowly circular moves, down – feeling him. She was used to touching herself alone, but feeling his touch – when his palm was almost as big as her leg – send another tight yearning clench to her inside.

Ben’s breathing became airy; he glanced down; he was shy, but definitely, he was curious.

‘It’s pink’ she heard.

The utter daze in his voice, the way he said it; she couldn’t help it, she laughed.

He looked at her, when she smiled at him.

‘You thought it would be purple?’ she asked. ‘Green?’

Now Ben laughed.

‘True’ he concurred. ‘But I just… didn’t expect that. You… wanting me.’

His thumb brushed over her sides, she took a deep breath.

‘I told you that I want you’ she whispered. ‘And it meant I wanted to be your first. You’re mine.’

She loved saying those words. Because she was always possessive of him.

Ben’s eyes darkened.

‘I am’ he said. ‘You know this.’

[she knew.]

She pressed his fingers harder and saw him closing his eyes.

‘Slow’ she said. ‘Slow, circular moves. … _here_.’

She tightened her muscles as she did that. Ben watched her in awe, letting her guide, teach him.

‘Yes, like that’ she whispered, feeling his finger move now on its own. She still had her hand over his, just to comfort him.

‘You can go faster a bit, but still slowly. I like it slow’ she added.

‘You do?’ he asked.

‘I do.’

She nestled her cheek onto his chest as he kissed her forehead.

‘A bit faster’ she breathed.

She could feel herself getting wetter and wetter, his fingers still probing her terra incognita, intimate places. She tighten her muscles more, when he was teasing her, brushing her with his thumb.

[she didn’t hear the thunderstorm anymore – but the sounds of ocean]

She shut her eyes tightly, tensed and grabbed his arm, leaving his hand.

He stopped.

‘Rey?’

She was so red her skin felt like it was burning. Her breathing was erratic.

‘Just do what I’ll show you’ she breathed.

She closed her eyes and tried to calm down. She found his hand, but she slightly moved it away.

‘Just watch’ she said.

She slipped her finger inside. In comparison to his hand – and she knew how big they were – hers were thin and short. She hardly believed she was that wet – she always found it hard to be really aroused, but now, she wasn’t just wet, she was melting.

As she slipped her finger in and out slowly few times, she heard, felt Ben’s body tensing. There was a pressure, unmistakable wet pressure against her thigh she found hard to ignore.

‘Holy fuck’ she heard his weak whisper.

She slipped her finger out and opened her eyes, just to found him just turning his eyes from her legs to her face.

She rose her finger to his lips.

‘It’s what you do to me’ she whispered.

He opened his lips – and he tasted it, hesitantly at first, just to swear right away later.

‘I’ll just…’ he said. ‘Jesus fuck.’

He put her wet finger in his mouth and sucked it. Rey felt a giant, hard clench inside her and closed her legs, pressing them tightly.

Ben touched her knee instantly.

‘Let me’ he whispered. ‘Please.’

She felt how hard he already was – and yet, he didn’t think about himself.

‘One finger’ she said.

She opened her legs, feeling him sliding his hand between then right away; he drew her closer, slide his arm under her head and kissed, while her hand found his and clasped them together.

She moaned into his mouth as he groaned, when he followed the instructions of her previous show: he was much bigger than her two fingers at once, so the difference was colossal. Rey rocked her hips onto him, she felt how she surrounded him as he went deeper.

He pinned her partially to bed not only with his body, but his kisses as well. Rey felt their sweated bodies touch, burning, as he continued to mimic her moves. In and out, in and out – so easy, she has done it herself so many times, feeling bad, because she knew she shouldn’t and now -

She was feeling immaculate.

[she had inside her a magic space

she was a closed system; but now she was open.]

‘Deeper’ she breathed.

[you still didn’t reach the end of this labyrinth]

She could feel him not only in her, but also beside her – the body radiating with heat, fusing with hers. Rey was the paradox; she was hot and wet, he was hot and solid as they breathed hard looking at each other.

All states of matter, she thought.

What was necessary for this annihilation.

Only him and her.

[it was the end of their world and only they knew that]

She felt him sliding his finger in and out, slowly at first, but with time going faster; her body hurt, she always felt empty as she yearned for him, his touch, lips and body. But this longing wasn’t just limited to corporeality of their bodies – but it held for her need of touching his soul and mind.

And this paradoxical union could only be achieved in this primal and spiritual consumption of sacredly unholy marriage of their psyche and flesh.

He kissed her neck when she arched her back as he touched her – deeper and deeper – and she gasped, moan. It was perfect, they were imperfectly perfect, but god, she needed more, she needed him –

‘Darling’ she whispered. ‘It’s time.’

Ben broke the kiss and looked at her. She brushed locks from his face, his face all flushed in rosy, amaranthine and raspberry pinks.

‘Yes’ he said, voice hoarse. ‘It’s time.’

He rolled her over himself , hugging her tight, their hands clasped. Rey felt his heart against her, she was on the edge of sanity.

‘I trust you’ she heard his whisper in her ear. ‘Take me. I’m yours, sweetheart.’

She called him a darling. His heart hurt even more from love.

His fingers caressed her back as she shivered. He was never as sure of anything in his life as he was sure of his love for her.

Rey leant in and placed a kiss on his lips, a sweet, almost too innocent kiss. But everything what was just happening was somehow innocent, so right, when it shouldn’t be.

But he knew. He always knew.

That’s why it felt so right.

Rey moved away, straightening on him. Her hand went lower and lower on his chest, just inches away from his scar. However, he was more focused on her; he knew her lovely face would always wait for him, when he would close his eyes days, weeks, years from now.

The way her hair curl around her neck, the blush that only highlighted the milky way of her freckles. She had him and he was hers, and he thanked God, no, her for that.

‘It will hurt me a bit, but don’t worry about this’ she said. ‘I’ll tell you to stop if it really hurts.’

He nodded.

‘I’ll also have to touch… you’ she said. ‘Unless… you want –‘

‘I trust you’ he repeated.

He had nothing to hide anymore.

His breathing speed up, he pursed his lips as he felt her fingers going lower and lower, to his lower abdomen and hips, but he was still.

They both waited, tensed.

The lights around them dimmed and lightened up again.

His world focused now only on her slender fingers.

His nails rammed into her skin when she touched him. He shut his eyes and suppressed a groan as the drops of sweat fell down his temples, when she moved her hips up and slowly guided him to her center.

[jesusfuckinchristjesusfuckinchristjesusfuckin _christ_

Rey moaned lingeringly as she took him deeper. Ben didn’t even dream in his wildest dreams of this – and even, these dreams couldn’t hold the candle to this.

He squeezed her hand as she dig her nails into his chest.

‘Rey –‘

‘I can’ she breathed. ‘I can do it.’

He swore, he wasn’t even sure in which language, as she spread her legs wider and lowered herself on him.

He thought about all the times he had to kneel in church or during the prayer.

Not anymore.

His god was a woman, this woman now.

He was pledging his love and allegiance only to her.

Rey sighed deeply. He could only stare at her in awe. He felt her relaxing around him, her adjusting to him, but they matched. They matched.

She looked at him and smiled; his heart stopped.

‘Are you okay?’ she asked.

Was she really asking that?

‘Per-perfect’ he breathed. ‘Y-you?’

She rocked her hips on him.

‘G-god’ he drawled.

She backed her hand from their interlocked hands and leant in to cup his face as she kissed him. She touched his nose with hers and she once again sat on him.

‘Don’t think’ she whispered. ‘I’ll take care of you.’

She placed his hands on her hips, watching his face. She moved on him, slowly at first, feeling him tensing under her. She knew the pace, she knew what to do; she imagined this so many times, him under her, this, him and her. The initial discomfort was still there, but her body slowly got used to him and desire was louder than pain.

Up and down, up and down, slow, slow, deep and deeper. Rey locked her eyes with Ben’s; his eyes was like mirrors and reflected the deep space inside her he was now discovering, penetrating. She has never felt so seen as he watched her now, being in her.

Her breathing got faster, her wetter whereas Ben’s eyes hungrier. His grip on her hips got stronger, his movements as well. Rey pursed her lips.

It was still not enough.

She wanted more.

Her hand wandered on his lower abdomen, but before she even touched him, he drew her to himself and she laid on top of him.

‘Devastating’ he whispered to her ear, kissing it. ‘Rey.’

She cupped his face. They kissed, hungrily and immaculate, sucking onto each other mouths as they didn’t stop moving. Ben had his hands on her back and bottom, helping her.

‘I want you’ she whispered. ‘I want –‘

She yelped as he hit that spot inside her.

‘There’ she whispered. ‘There, yes, _yes_ –‘

She cried out again, when he called her name out again. He was slick between her thighs, but still, she wanted him deeper. Their hearts beat in the same rhythm, they found their paces. She had an impression nobody else existed anymore, that the corporeality of their bodies became a deconstructed concept of surreality. There was no him or her now; his flesh became hers, her his.

Abstractive abstract of physical word in the ideal world.

She was closer and closer, but it wasn’t enough.

And she knew it’s not enough for him too.

‘Ben’ she breathed. ‘Ben, _Ben_ –‘

Their bed was lighted by another thunder, when they moved in their tight lovers’ embrace. This was it, she knew that, this little point inside her, but beyond this, more than this –

She grabbed his face and claimed his mouth as he claimed hers.

[they belonged together and this was their eternity of transience.]

Ben rammed his nails onto her back as she called his name to the rumble of thunder.

[close, so close]

‘Ben’ she cried out. ‘ _Ben_ –‘

_I love you_

[the ocean inside her wasn’t just an ocean

she had the whole universe inside her]

The climax destroyed her whole cognition, sending massive shock waves through the space of her body, wave after wave, to make sure nothing was left of her. She felt she’s pulsating, throbbing against him, as they kissed. He stillmoved inside her and she cried – feeling the annihilation starting again and again in the endless cycle of heat death of the universe. She came again and again until she felt him stiffen against her.

[there was a meteor shower inside her now]

She heard him saying her name as she laid down on him. Her body was still spasming uncontrollably, their hearts racing painfully against their chests. They both laid in silence, silence consisting of heavy breaths and exhaustion.

It was still raining.

She felt his arms embracing her, pressing her to him as she breathed in the scent of his skin. She never experienced anything like this before; she didn’t even think it was possible.

Their gazes met.

[yes, she thought, annihilation never was so beautiful.]

[so was he]

His cheeks were flushed, eyes radiant, hair messy – he stared at her the way she was already losing her breathless breath, but god, he was beautiful. His eyes wandered on her face.

He hugged her and kissed her forehead.

‘Thank you’ he whispered.

Rey took a deep breath.

‘I didn’t do it for a gratitude’ she said quietly. ‘It was purely selfish.’

Ben laughed.

‘I’m selfish too’ he confessed. ‘I want more of you.’

She looked at him; he smiled at her, smile wrinkling his eyes in most adorable and cute way possible. And when he was smiling, his dimples –

She loved him.

She nestled up to him.

They laid still, feeling their breathing calm down.

‘Szeretlek, Rey Király.’

His whisper was soft, caressing her ear. He brushed hair from her face, when he kissed her forehead again. Hearing those sounds of long-forgotten language left her breathless. She knew it, deep down she knew she should know it.

‘What did you say?’ she whispered. ‘That’s… Hungarian.’

‘That’s a secret’ he said. ‘I’ll tell you later.’

He suddenly rolled her from him and pinned her down with his body. She was still tired, but, after all –

Oh.

‘So fast?’ she asked.

He kissed her, slow and deep.

‘I start to think you’re repressed’ she said when he moved away.

Ben rolled his eyes theatrically.

‘Then you have a problem’ he whispered. ‘‘I don’t think I’ll ever get enough of you’

‘Good to know the night is still young’ she replied, caressing his face. ‘And we can work on your repression.’

‘And yours too’ he whispered. ‘I’m at your service.’

And before Rey even thought about good response, he kissed her again.

[endless cycle

of

heat-death of the universe

an- _ni_ -hi- _la_ -tion

_annihilation_

she now understood; it made sense

beginning, end was the creation]

She was laying next to him, feeling her body devoid of any physical aspect.

There was a certain bliss in this moment, between him and her; their breaths, their hearts beating at the same pace. Rey never felt such serenity before; there was stillness, but the stillness of the scarlet ocean of sheets covering their bodies. She wouldn’t count how many times their lips met in a kiss – hundreds, thousands of times? She knew she won’t ever be the same; something fundamentally changed in her, transformed her and that change was irreversible.

‘Did you really want to do it with me?’

Hearing his voice after so many hours of dazed-silence only ensured her feeling of unreality. The haze over her mind was slowly faltering, as a fading voice, but she found as her body calmed down, her heart did not.

‘I told you… I did’ she whispered.

She watched the ceiling, the shadow show of lights and colours. Her voice was shaky and raspy. She didn’t scream or at least she thought she didn’t; yet the emotions she experienced left her exhausted.

She felt his hand on her stomach and turned her head to him. The light of the bedside lamp bathed him in the golden aura. He changed as well; she could see the change how he looked at her, the way the frown between his browns softened, but still, there was unprecedented resolve in his eyes.

If there was conflict in him, he didn’t feel it anymore.

She did.

It was point of no return.

‘Hey’ she heard. ‘Something’s wrong?’

The shadow of doubt strained his brows.

‘No, it’s…’

The clouds of her thoughts were turbulent. But she didn’t want to think about consequences or the future, not yet.

[let me have this, she thought,

at least this night]

‘I’ve never thought… we would ever do it’ she confessed. ‘That you would… and I -‘

‘I know’ he said. ‘Me too.’

He smiled at her; shy but happy smile widened his lips. She felt another, hurtful tug of pain in her chest.

After so many years, she had seen him.

It was really him, _her Ben_.

‘I can hope… that I wasn’t really… that disappointing, to begin with’ he whispered.

Rey laughed.

‘God, no’ she caressed part of his face. ‘You were perfect.’

‘Really? I mean…’ he shook his head. ‘For me it was a… pretty mind-blowing… experience.’

She gave a small laugh.

‘Just next time, remember about taking your socks off’ she said.

‘Next time?’ he asked. ‘Definitely.’

Rey still smiled, but certain cold flooded her body.

Next time, she thought. Like it was something so natural that… they would be together now.

And she wanted that. God, she wanted it so much.

‘At least…’ she said quickly. ‘You know how private parts of a woman looks like.’

Ben rolled his eyes.

‘You won’t let it go, will you? I don’t answer for losing ability to think seeing you.’

‘Why so, were you so attached to your virgin status?’ she teased him.

Ben hissed.

‘You are so, so mean.’

He pressed her against himself.

‘By all means, my honor has been besmirched. You’re now obligated to marry me as my deflowerer.’

Rey laughed. It was a weird confession, said so nonchalantly by him.

‘Deflowering? Marriage? Oh, come on, we’re not in 90s harlequin novel’ she said.

‘Anyway, one day you will pay’ he whispered. ‘And we will be even, Rey.’

Rey suddenly felt wash of hot inside her. She wasn’t sure what it was exactly; his voice, his eyes on her or that spark, but she once again felt that yearning, her skin burning under his gaze. She felt his legs brushing hers and she took a deep breath.

‘Can’t wait for a rematch, actually’ he added.

He moved closer to her.

‘I want more of you’ he whispered.

‘That’s repression, Ben’ she said.

Her hand stopped on his cheek and moved back.

‘I –‘ she started.

Her and Ben’s – Kylo’s – eyes met.

‘I don’t know if I… should’ she said. ‘I don’t know if… calling you Ben, I –‘

‘Rey –‘

‘Maybe you don’t want –‘

‘Rey.’

She fell silent. He stared at her.

‘Look’ he began. ‘I think… at this point… we need to be honest with each other. But also… with ourselves.’

He took a deep breath and looked down. Rey gulped.

‘I don’t remember my life… before you’ he said. ‘When I didn’t… when I didn’t...’

He pursed his lips.

‘No matter… whatever I will be’ he whispered. ‘Kylo… Benoit… Ben… what I feel for you… isn’t going to… change. Never.’

[szeretlek, she thought, her heart _racing_ –

‘I love you’ they said at the same time.

They both looked at each other, both stunned; Rey looked down.

‘You do?’

His voice, his whisper – so soft, so unbelieving, unsure.

Rey felt her heart break in two.

The days, years, when they would just steal glances at each other. The days when they stayed together, no Luke, no Poe. Just them. Rey could feel that growing want for a touch, for a kiss, for something more –

She had to say it.

‘I do’ she said, looking at him. ‘I always… have, Ben.’

She saw tears in his eyes as he smiled, eyes glowing.

‘God, Rey’ he whispered. ‘ _God_ –‘

She felt his hands grabbing her face and him placing a ferocious, hot kiss on her lips.

They kissed, he pressed her with his body and she felt continuous kisses, on her jaw, going down. She barely breathed; his lips on her neck, marking her, not a kiss, but a hot breath. She felt the heat rising again and once again, like it would never be quenched.

‘I love you’ she heard. ‘God, I always have, Rey. And I’ll always love you –‘

She should have stopped him. They couldn’t. She knew she can’t. He can’t.

They never could be together.

[but that one night, she thought to herself

at least this one night]

‘I love you’ she whispered.

And the tame inside her broke, completely. She broke. She felt the words she repressed for so long, flooding her as he kissed them out of her mouth. She wanted to feel it, feel him, to remember it. She knew she would treasure that memory, like many others with him inside nooks of her mind, her greatest treasure. That one night. She was making the mistake, but seeing his smile, seeing him –

God, it wasn’t a mistake.

She was his and she always would be.

‘I love you’ she let herself say. Ben smiled and kissed her.

‘I love you too’ he replied.

[at some point, the rain died down

and she lay awake in scarlet bed, between the paws of the tender wolf.]

Kylo woke up startled.

He was just sitting awhile on the bed, feeling intelligible dismay. He felt like he’s not fully awaken, but there was something he couldn’t understand yet.

He looked around; the grey light of even more grey day filled the room, making everything look ashy. He felt his breath caught in his throat.

‘Rey?’ he called.

His clothes lay scattered on the floor. Shirt, pants, socks, underwear, all leading to the bed. There was no Rey’s rose petal dress, either her panties.

Nothing.

Her side of the bed was cold.

Kylo felt the panic rising inside him, it wasn’t panic anymore. Just pure fear. Consternation. Terror.

He just didn’t understand.

Did she -

‘Rey?’ he called out again. Maybe she was downstairs. ‘Rey!’

He stood up. As he did it, he heard a weird rustle and he looked down.

By his feet lay a folded piece of paper; a note.

He knelt and with shaky hands took it.

_Ben – Kylo_

_I’m so sorry to leave you alone. I should have known better that my actions would have terrible consequences. Not only for me, but for you as well. You must realize there is no future for us where one of us wouldn’t get hurt. You know that we cannot be together. We both long for each other, but be honest, we just projected our loneliness and desire for a kindred soul in each other. We only think we love each other, when in reality we don’t. We said those things just in the heat of the moment we found ourselves in. You know as I know, what we feel for each other is not real._

_I’m sorry. If you feel I used you, I didn’t. But it’s better. For you and for me. Please, do not speak with me about last night. It’s all I ask of you._

_I would never ask for a better first time and I’ll be forever grateful you were my first. I wish you well and hope one day you will find your true love._

_Yours truly,_

_Rey_

A tear feel down his cheek as he read, reread this letter over and over again.

[ _You know as I know, what we feel for each other is not real.]_

It was the only real thing he ever felt.

_[There’s no future for us.]_

There was a future, where he would be her husband.

_[One day you will find your true love.]_

_You are my true love, you!_

[yours truly.]

She was truly his.

He squeezed the paper in his fist. The anger; his eye twitched; He barley felt himself, he literally was on his knees, naked, abandoned. He clenched his fists, feeling his body tremble. He was kneeling, he bared his soul to her, told her everything, exposed is soul and body.

And she told him she loved him and then left

Again.

He stood up and grabbed the lamp, throwing it across the room; it shattered like the dream of last night. He smashed the nightstand on the floor and punched the wall, one, two, three times until he saw blood on his knuckles. He yelled, feeling tears falling down his face, down his trembling lips.

At last, he just stood, breathing heavily.

The rampage of an abandoned lover, he thought bitterly.

Abandoned.

_Again._

She could use all of those fancy words, but he knew.

She thought it was a mistake. That he was a mistake. She probably took pity of him. And he was inexperienced, like a stupid boy.

No, he thought. He knew. He felt her. He felt her against him, she wouldn’t lie.

He knew _her_.

He knew Rey better than anyone else. He knew her better than he knew himself. She was lying. When she said she loves him, his body, mind just knew she’s telling the truth.

But she was scared.

And she was running away from him. From her feelings.

[again.]

They always repeat the same cycle.

He let her do it once; she slipped between his fingers, but also, he was scared. He let her just go on with her life. They weren’t ready. They were scared.

He also ran away, from her, from himself.

Now he won’t.

He wiped the tears with his hand and froze.

The scarlet on his white skin, smeared with tears.

His skin tasted of salt, blood and _her_.

And finally he knew.

Whatever the price of them being together was, he would pay it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before you will kill me, there is HOPE, there is HOPE AND YEAH I KNOW REY’S DENIAL IS BECOMING RIDICULOUS.
> 
> But just. Fuck it, I’ll say it.
> 
> I was struggling for months how to write not a smut per se, but a lovemaking scene. And not any scene – it was Reylo one. I know at this point Rey and Ben or at least this Rey and Ben. I bascially kidnapped and adopted them by now, so I knew how they would behave and I just had that calling in my heart for what I should write.
> 
> Firstly, as person with severe anxiety I knew Ben would act that way and just panic. Sex, lovemaking – getting naked with someone you love – is stressful. Because you worry about everything. And even more, when your mind is a fuckin’ bitch who tells you you're nothing. Plus, due to his severe trauma from the past where he was, well, literally exiled and punished for loving Rey I don’t think he lets so easily for love/desire to just control him. I always have seen Kylo as demisexual and here he is definitely demisexual. If he comes off as a bit too naive and inexperienced (even being 26 at this point), I just want to say poor guy has problems. With confidence, with his anxiety and that can fuck you up. I can tell you, he knows what to do, but when anxiety hits you ,you feel just blocked, especially when it’s love of your life wanting to make love to you. And I think he's aware he can come off as too violent, aggresive for Rey, so he backs and lets her lead. Like a gentleman we know he is. 
> 
> I also wanted to go for realistic first time. So, basically two virgins who never had sex. Or knew sex from... smuts and porn. So, it will be awkard. Hella akward. Because you ask your partner if they are okay, you don't know if they are okay with something. And it is sometimes funny *socks cough cough* I wanted to present a realistic, honest first time of Rey and Ben, their love that they expressed through their kisses, touches and bodies, and mostly laugh. It was so so important to me. I wanted it to be genuine, sincere, of course kinda sexy (duh), but also innocent in that most beautiful way when two people who longed for each other finally are together.
> 
> I avoided using more graphic language, my last wish was to make it vulgar. I just wanted to make it poetic and beautiful. I always loved idea of mixing prose and poetry together and here I did it (even though my poetry is more concrete and viusal. Reylo is special to me and I wanted to make their first time special and I gave it all.
> 
> I really hope you enjoyed this smut-not-smut. I’m a very specific and rather eccentric writer and I’m aware my writing style may not sit well with some people. But I read bunch of smuts in my life and I’m aware it’s probably not that good at some of them, but it’s just a genuine, honest prose and raw emotions I tried to capture. I wanted to speak to a reader's mind and show the love bewteen Rey and Ben.
> 
> About an ending, yeah Rey is in denial. I can’t say much, but I think for Kylo/Ben this is a turning point of his life, because he finally knows what he truly wants. 
> 
> Rey always knew – but she’s scared. But it's a story for another chapters.
> 
> Okay, y’all, I just hope you aren’t disappointed with this chapter. Take care of yourself, remember, covid-19 is real, wash your hands and try to be kind to people. Keep your fingers crossed, I'm working on the translation of the book now and I really don't have any motivation!
> 
> See you next chapter, y'all!


	19. Chapter 18: The Call of the Void

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello dear readers, I hope you weren’t worried about me being dead or something, but yeah, new chapter is up, hurray!
> 
> I know nobody probably read my notes, but I just, before some of you will start reading the new chapter, I want to tell that I really appreciate all the kudos, hits, comments. I know “driven” is a niche fanfic and seeing that there are people who care about it is, well, very nice.
> 
> However, I’m seriously thinking about deleting it from AO3. For years I have been writing stories for myself, for my darling girlfriend and I don’t feel well lately. Writing one chapter usually takes me around 2 weeks and hours of writing, editing, research and soon school will start and just seeing lack of feedback is discouraging. No, I’m not writing this to make you guys feel guilty to comment or I don’t threaten you. I got used to that and I’m not that kind of person. I know that we all struggle with fucking pandemic, we have school and etc. We all have our lives. I totally get it, because I suffer from anxiety and depression all my life. I just wanna be honest. I’m just not sure if I feel comfortable with sharing this story. My gf probably wanna gibbs slap me for thinking about not posting new chapters, but you know how it feels to question everything.
> 
> So, yeah, I’m sorry. But yes, I want to once again thank all the people who read this story for the past 8 months, gave kudos and commented. I need to take it easy now, I need to think about the future, myself and my loved ones. I can only hope that I make some of you smile while you read and you enjoy this story during this dark times. Please, don’t take it personally. I just felt you need to know that.
> 
> For now, please enjoy this new chapter. I hope to work on a new one soon. 
> 
> I want to thank my beautiful gf, Lizzy, who is the light of my life, my wife and everything. I also want to thank my beta reader, Dot, who does an amazing job here correcting my mistakes. Thank you <3
> 
> As always I’m posting here links to the videos my gf made for this story, check them out and leave a like if you can ;) She also posted a new video – a beautiful video to Lana del Rey’s [National Anthem](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PUs2h3ZHWLo) monologue.
> 
> [Paparazzi – Driven ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4T816WuZVvw)  
> [Undisclosed Desires – Driven ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0JchcXdyDj0&feature=youtu.be)
> 
> She also made the edit for this chapter <3
> 
> The songs I’ve listened while working on this chapter:  
> 1\. Miriam Stockley – [Wishing on a Star](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T3eTjGetfeg)  
> 2\. RUELLE – [ War of Hearts ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jvv14k0VO4Y)  
> 3\. Joan Jett & The Blackhearts – I Hate Myself for Loving You  
> 4\. Halsey – [Drive ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdNFiVoQ-o8)
> 
> Yeah, I finally learnt how to put links! Hallelujah. But I watch a lot of fanvideos when I write, so I’m posting them here (don’t forget to leave some love for their creators!)
> 
> I really hope you will enjoy this chapter. 
> 
> Be my guests <3

> I think I want to be in love with you but I don't know how.
> 
> ― Angela Carter, _The Magic Toyshop_

Reymont Király made a lot of mistakes in her life. She miscalculated the space between her and her rivals and crashed into them not once. It happened from time to time, Luke would say. You’re a racing driver. If you don’t go for that gap, you’re not a racing driver.

Drivers always made mistakes. The teams too. Bad strategy. Bad pit stop.

But it was her mistake that cost her a win.

And it was her mistake to bring Ben with her last night.

What she had done? God, she knew what she had done. Her body was all marked and even if the touches and kisses weren’t perceivable by the naked eye, she was sure somehow everyone, Luke, Poe, Leia, would need one look and know what she had done. Rey felt his lips all over flesh, lips, his hands, memory burning, still burning.

She was burning.

That one rule, unwritten rule and Rey perfectly knew breaking it would equal eternal condemnation.

[but didn’t you get what you always wanted?]

She did. But she thought of the consequences. Of the past, of the future. Sins were never forgotten. And she was Eve banished from Paradise that already was long lost.

She knew that now nothing would be the same; some part of her – old Rey – was simply annihilated.

She opened part of herself not only to Ben, to Kylo – because he was right here, it didn’t matter what name he was calling himself, she loved, loves and would love him anyway – but to herself as well. And she was scared to see that parts of herself, she thought she would be ready to face them, but in fact, it was quite the opposite.

[I don’t remember it.

If I would remember I would go crazy.]

She said it. She said it, aloud, to Kylo, back in that April day.

And she right away contradicted herself.

[I am lying to myself. But I do this, because otherwise the truth will kill me.]

Did she really forget her life before England before Luke took her in?

Rey wanted to say “no”.

She wanted to say “yes”.

But the truth was, at this point, her mind was a place she feared more than the high-speed crash.

She only knew the tip of an iceberg which could destroy her life completely.

She was already packed as she knew her flight would take off at 8 am. But part of her, when she was quietly taking off her make up to just uncover a tired, pale face, already felt acidic guilt.

Wake him up, part of her told her. Wake him.

She couldn’t.

Because she was a coward, after all.

She could hear his steady breath, sleeping. She wondered about what he dreamt about; he looked so peaceful in his sleep. The dark curls scattered all over his face, pillow, lips partly agape. So young, so beautiful. He was away now, in the land of Nod, in the embrace of the Morpheus; his skin was so smooth, like velvet.

‘I’m sorry’ she whispered, caressing his face, when the first rays of ashy sun soaked through the windows. Sunrise came to soon, there was no oblivion of soothing darkness anymore.

‘I’m sorry, Ben’ she repeated. ‘I’m sorry.’

She leant and kissed his cheek. Her lips lingered a bit too long on his skin as her heart withered.

She slowly moved away.

Ben was smiling.

[It will hurt.]

[It already hurt.]

But it was better that way.

She turned around, before getting into the taxi, hiding her hair under the black bucket hat and looking at the brown façade of the brownstone. The windows were dark; like empty eyes, but they were the abysms, depths of herself, the emptiness, inward, onward void she tried so futilely fill, ignore.

But a moment, a blink of an eye, flash of long-gone thunder, changed the dark panes into the silver screens of her own heart.

‘Miss?’

She averted her eyes.

‘I’m going’ she said, voice breaking.

[her lips burnt with the memory of his kiss]

[she could see his smile, feel his smile against hers]

Stay, part of her told her. Come back to him.

However, her return to the real world only confirmed her permanent exile.

Who, what she was?

Rey Király. A ~~female~~ racing driver.

Icon.

Legend?

The future.

She carried legacy she didn’t understand, and she was being dressed in the vesture of the mythology she wasn’t sure she ever wanted.

There was only one person who understood her.

Her mirror, her reflection.

Ben.

They were beings without a history, their history was written by others. The circumstances forced them both out of their true selves and they were no longer human – the mythology transformed them, deconstructed them. Their shadows were longer than any casted by a man; not a person, but a concept.

Echoes. They were beings made of echoes.

These echoes doomed them to love each other.

But the love she felt for him was too much even for her.

And she left him; every minute she was further and further away from him.

The morning was gray, the sky over Montreal was covered with thick gray clouds. It felt unreal, because it was real. She arrived at the airport alone, holding her suitcase and bag back.

She was now invisible; nobody cared enough to notice some girl sitting by the window on a plane.

Just yesterday she had all the cameras on her, noting her every move. She was watched by everyone. She had eyes of the world watching her.

But nobody actually ever had seen her truly.

Except for him.

 _Esse est percipi_ , she thought.

‘To be is to be perceived’ Ben said, his finger underlining the whole Latin phrase in the book.

‘So it means to be seen?’ Rey asked quietly.

Ben was silent.

She looked at him.

He blinked and cleared his throat.

‘Partly, yeah’ he said. ‘I could argue, but I think Berkley really meant… that what people perceive, see every day is only an idea of an object’s existence… but the objects themselves are…’

Their gazes met. The frown between his brows deepened.

‘Are not… seen’ he finished.

‘Does it relate to the people too?’

Ben gave a quiet laugh.

‘Rey’ he shook his head. ‘I mean, kind of… maybe? Why you even… came to me with this?’ he asked. ‘Why are you suddenly so interested in philosophy and immaterialism, hym?’

She wanted to take back her homework, but he hold it tightly. He looked at her.

‘Reymont’ he whispered. ‘Rey, _tell me_.’

She looked down.

‘Luke and Leia thought it would be… good for my education to include… philosophy and ethics’ she whispered. ‘Soon I will need to choose subjects for my GSCE exams. They think it would look good.’

Ben’s eyes softened.

‘You already have extra classes for nearly every subject’ he said. ‘That’s… that’s too much.’

‘You managed’ she said.

‘I…’ he whispered. ‘I’ve done half the things… they make you do. You’re… too young.’

‘I don’t do enough apparently’ she replied.

He let go of her book; Rey took it back and clung to her chest.

‘You should talk –‘

‘No’ she shook her head. ‘I want it, actually. Philosophy is very interesting and –‘

She fell silent and blinked.

‘You… you have a… _star map_?’ she asked, stunned.

Ben looked up.

‘Oh yeah, apparently I do.’

Rey stared, speechless as the ceiling, at the big map draped over the Ben’s bed. The small points of the stars; the constellations connected with lines; Aquarius, Pisces, Virgo…

Rey had the whole Milky Way above her.

She noticed that Ben personalised it somehow. “Andromeda” was circled with yellow tape; Alpha Andromedae underlined. Rey saw a cut out of F310, Leia’s Canadian GP 1996 winning car – plastered in the upper right of the map. He also put small notes next to some stars and constellations, she even noticed –

‘Why there’s… Suzuka drawn over the Little Bear?’ she asked.

Ben stared at the ceiling.

‘Oh, I thought… they look similar?’ he said. ‘That’s why.’

‘Uncle won’t like it’ she whispered.

She looked at him.

Ben pursed his lips.

‘He won’t even notice’ he said quietly. ‘He never looks up to the sky. Only to the ground.’

And before she said something, he jumped on his bed next to her.

‘Hey!

‘Sorry, Rey’ he said. He was so tall he was nearly touching the ceiling with his head.

‘Do you see the paper on my desk? And pens?’ he asked. ‘And sello… scotch tape?’

Rey stepped of the bed and came to the furniture.

‘I do.’

‘Gimme ‘em’ he said. ‘Come on, Rey.’

She put her book down and handed him what he asked for.

He right away put the paper to the ceiling and started writing something. She watched him and at the end he looked at her.

‘Don’t be scared’ he cut the paper; the white sheet falling to the ground looked like snow. ‘I think you’ll like it.’

He proceeded to cut some tape.

‘Lyra constellation’ he said. ‘It is one of 48 listed by the 2nd century astronomer Ptolemy, and is often represented on star maps as a vulture or an eagle carrying a lyre.’

‘Lyra’s brightest star, Vega, is one of the brightest stars in the night sky, did you know that?’

Rey shook her head.

‘No.’

‘It is part of the Summer Triangle’ Ben added. ‘And also is a prototype of a class of a binary star. These binary stars are so close to each other that the material flows from one to the other.’

His eyes shone brighter than the stars he described when he looked at her. His smile lightened up his face with excitement.

She never asked him why he learnt all of that. But her Ben was like that. He knew so much. Rey was sure he knows everything and if he didn’t know, he would learn.

She watched him putting the note to the map.

‘Come’ he shook his head at her.

He backed away still holding a finger on the ceiling.

‘Reymont… Rey Király’ he said. ‘The future brightest star of Formula 1.’

Rey came closer and looked up. She took a deep breath.

Ben put over “Vega” a paper with “Rey” written on it.

‘Do you like it?’ she heard.

‘I…’ she lacked words. It was cute, it was more than just cute.

She didn’t understand. She wanted to understand.

That simple thing, gesture… meant so much for her.

Rey had tears in her eyes.

‘Thank.. you’ she turned her face to him. ‘I… I love –‘

_You_ ]

She blinked, taken aback.

‘... it’ she finished, breathless.

Their eyes locked onto each other; her heart stopped, Ben held his breath.

She didn’t understand yet what she felt for him. She didn’t understand him. Ben Solo was a paradox; why he was doing this just next day to push her away? Why he was doing this to, just following day, pretend she doesn’t exist?

His eyes were like melted gemstone veined with gold; and they were magnetic.

She couldn’t look away.

She didn’t want to.

Was it the moment when she fell for him?

Yes, she replied nearly 10 years later.

It was.

[star-crossed lovers.]

Her mind was a bottomless pit of memories she treasured so much they were covered by thick dust. She was scared. So scared.

Of what she would do to protect him.

But of what she had done to protect herself as well.

[The race. Her penalty. Gala. Kestis.

Kylo –

Ben’s kiss.]

Him and her making love.

And them professing it.

She said she loved him.

Out loud.

[he said he always loved her.]

Even then?

Already?

( _Always, Rey._ )

[she wanted to scream it, she wanted to scratch her skin in the bloodiest of love confessions and bite out profession of love with her teeth]

It wasn’t a mistake and you know it, the voice inside her told her. You belong with him.

But you still insist on running away.

Why was she running actually?

She had no idea.

Or she had.

[you’re a liar, she told Ben/Kylo

But I’m a liar too]

She was just a coward.

And she wanted to defer the Last Judgement of her soul.

Atlantic never felt so endless.

She arrived on that continent by air and was leaving it by air as well; she was heading East, every minute, second getting closer and closer to the fear she left there. From time to time she could see the waves between the clouds, so away it felt like imitation of true water. She was crying ocean of tears, drop after drop, carving out labyrinths of her sorrow on her cheeks.

She should have left him.

She couldn’t stay.

She should have never left him.

She could stay.

The simplest of syllogisms.

  1. She loves Ben.
  2. Ben loves her.
  3. They love each other.



[so why did you run?]

Szerletek, Rey Király.

Szerletek.

Szeretek –

[ő vár

mindig

a szülei]

She had no heart; but a void she won’t ever fill.

_Dear child, the belonging you seek is not behind you… it is ahead._

The gentle touch of one of the nuns on her cheek. Rey closed eyes, feeling the echo reverberating inside her, the soft voice.

_Your life will be so much better there than here. They won’t come back. And you know it._

She didn’t want to hear it, she didn’t want to!

Was it her fault her parents abandoned her? What fatal flaw did she had? She was doing everything to be perfect. She was the perfect daughter.

She was.

But not for them.

She had no tears left; only drying meanders of oxbow lakes of her desolation.

‘Excuse me –‘

She turned her head to the passenger next to her.

A man, in his early 40s, took a deep breath.

‘Yes?’ she asked, her voice weak.

‘I don’t want to… come off as intrusive… but is there a chance… you are that… female Formula 1 driver?’ he asked. ‘Rey… Raymond? Rey Király. From Skywalker Ferrari.’

She brushed a stand of hair from her face.

‘Yes, it’s me’ she replied. ‘It is… me.’

Her voice sounded so wrong, she sounded so fake.

‘Oh, wow’ she heard. Man shook his head. ‘What a coincidence! I thought drivers… have private jets or something…’

‘Maybe other drivers’ she whispered.

‘I’ve seen the yesterday’s race, I totally think you deserved that win –‘

She pursed her lips, feeling another sob coming.

‘Can… Can I ask for a picture? And autograph. For my daughters. You’re… you’re a role model!’

Of course she was.

 _Her life_ wasn’t _hers_ anymore.

‘Yes, no problem. With pleasure’ she replied.

And when the camera of the phone flashed, Rey was smiling her widest smile.

*******

It’s been only 3 days and it felt like eternity.

It was another race week again. The teams didn’t have any break; the time they put out the garage, the circus had to get back to Europe again for another grand prix.

Paul Ricard, Le Castellet.

_Grand Prix de France._

_The 8th round of the 2019 FIA Formula One World Championship._

Kylo barely slept. He couldn’t.

He never slept.

And that one time, when he could, when he had her in his arms, his whole world and felt her heart next to his, she faded away in the morning like last night was nothing more, but his dream.

Kylo knew he needed to talk to Rey. To bring her to her senses. To come back to him.

If he won’t, he knew – he was already slowly losing his mind.

Monday morning, Montreal-Heathrow flight. He was sick, he was delirious with sudden absence of her; of her touch, her laugh, her kisses, her scent and taste of skin. He fell into a sleepless dream. Rey was waiting for him there; serene in her marvelous beauty of golden sunrise. When he backed his hand from her chest he saw there was nothing there; an empty hole where her heart should have been.

She vanished as he opened his eyes.

He was even more tired as he arrived in Brackley. His apartment was too clean and too empty.

Rey probably was at home by now too. Oxhead was just 30 minutes away. It would be so easy to go to her and demand an explanation, talk to her, ask her why she left him, when she couldn’t lie to him, he knew the truth, she loved him.

However, probably Luke was there. And Kylo couldn’t vouch for himself; he wasn’t sure how he would end behaving and last thing he needed was his uncle interrupting a very private and very important talk.

He just needed Rey. Alone. Only them.

But there was a thing about being an F1 driver.

Having a time “for yourself” was so precious that during race weeks it was a miracle if reporters didn’t ask you questions when you were using a toilet.

Maybe that’s why Kylo hardly ever slept.

Because nights were just his time. Nobody else’s, just his.

And of course, Rey’s.

There was no time when she wasn’t on his mind. Especially now. 

Kylo didn’t even unpack fully his stuff and wondered if he should go to her, before he was called to the factory for simulator session and a debrief with the engineers; he was a bit surprised Snoke wasn’t in his office, but he was told he and Palpatine were in Germany in Mercedes-Benz headquarters in Stuttgart.

24 hours. How many things could happen?

Well, you could win Le Mans 24 hours. You could lose your win by getting a penalty. You could attend a gala and be kissed for the first time in your life.

You could make love to love of your life.

And you could get dumped by her.

So, in fact, a lot could happen.

Not mentioning a very nice talk Kylo had to have with a landlord, who came just in time he got dressed in his yesterday clothes, but there wasn’t anything in this world that couldn’t be paid now by money, right?

He hated it so much.

Some things couldn’t be simply _bought_.

Circuit Paul Ricard was located in Var, Southeastern France, near Marseille. Kylo raced here only once, last year, as French Grand Prix returned to F1 calendar that year. The track was known for its distinctive black and blue run-off areas known as the Blue Zone. The runoff surface consisted of a mixture of asphalt and tungsten, used instead of gravel traps, which were common on other tracks. A second, deeper run-off area was called the Red Zone, with a more abrasive surface designed to maximize tyre grip and hence minimize braking distance, although at the cost of extreme tyre wear. The final safeguard consists of Tecpro barriers, a modern improvement on tyre barriers.

From up, when Kylo would go by helicopter or see the track from air, Paul Ricard definitely looked like a piece of an art, not a racing circuit. Unusually flat, as built on desertic plateau with long Mistral straight, elongated track was circled by the blue, red lines and had several venues used in different categories. However, Kylo had no idea who was a genius to come up with all of those fancy lines and not use normal gravel run off areas, but yeah, they could look nice and artistic, but definitely they were useless as shit and distractive as fuck.

Kylo also heard that due to safety corners the pit lane was moved; previously accessed via the main straight, now was situated between the final two corners (turns 14 and 15) of the track.

He arrived at the track on Wednesday evening, seeing already the trucks Mercedes, Ferrari , McLaren or Williams parked in the paddock. It was a circus, after all. The logistic of transporting all the garages, cars, hospitalities all over the world for nearly 9 months of racing cost big money.

And him, Kylo Ren, was a part of that.

He hated himself. That he couldn’t just walk away. But racing was everything he knew. He spent his childhood racing, his teenage years.

He didn’t know better.

He really would see himself better in more… tactical role. Leadership one. A team principal, he told Rey. He knew how team operated and even if Snoke was definitely good at his job, Kylo knew he would be better.

However, Rey driving for a Mercedes FO was part of some future he imagined, but he knew that future would never come true.

He woke up long before the sunrise from another restless dream about Rey. Any bed now was too big without her, was too cold without her. But there was some hope, he thought. She would be at the track, they could have chance to talk.

They had to.

His hotel room had a view on the part of the circuit. Kylo didn’t even think twice. He looked at his phone, took his smartwatch and put on his running shoes.

The lazy morning had the taste of espresso he drank before going out. It was just dawning; the first rays of the rising sun back lighted the black contour of the low mountains surrounding the track. The sky was the hue of the fainted rainbow; from night blues on the West, turquoise to the celadon-white and orange gold of the East.

Kylo nodded as the security officers let him in.

‘Not too early?’ one of them asked him in thick French accent.

‘First at the track, first at the finish line’ Kylo replied.

The man laughed.

‘That’s true’ he pointed out. ‘Have a good run, champ!’

Kylo waved back as he slowly jogged away; he passed the closed garages and made his way to the start-finish straight. It wasn’t exactly a track walk he would do later with his team, when they would revise the notes and strategy for the training sessions, qualifying and Sunday race, but he needed a proper run _now_.

The rising sun bathed the empty track in the first rays of dawn. He stretched himself one time, before setting the timer. Two laps, more than 10 kilometers if he would include total length of the track with Mistral chicane.

He wondered what Rey was doing now.

Did she even think about him?

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

[You know as I know, what we feel for each other is not real.]

Time will tell.

His long shadow accompanied him in his lone run. There was certain soothing and predictable monotony in running. Step by step. Breath after breath. Further and further. Kylo rarely could find himself in the zone – when he was focused on racing, he had to be focused on everything; on the tyres, next corner, on energy management. He had to push the car, himself against the laws of physics – to the limit.

Running was simple. If he wasn’t doing the intervals, he loved just to run and zone out.

He realized, surprised, that he struggled; the day was already hot and the sun, despite morning, was merciless. His breathing was steady, but he felt the lines of sweat falling down his forehead, cheek and chest, soaking through the material of his shirt.

And he was wearing (of course) a black one. A truly genius move.

Kylo was completely sweat-soaked by the end of the first lap. He looked at his watch; 25 minutes, 15 seconds. Half of the distance.

/Rey’s fingers on his skin/

/her lips on his/

His breathing became erratic; the bead of sweat fell on his lips – it tasted of salt.

And her.

He knew exactly how her lips, her skin, _she_ tasted now.

/that was it./

It wasn’t the sun that blinded him; but the vividity of his memory, of a picture his mind just painted before his eyes.

[He couldn’t forget. He couldn’t.]

/he would kiss her legs until she would open them for him

and he would

he would kiss her

slow, long and deep

(the way she likes the most)/

/he would kiss her until she would moan

(and cry out his name) /

/her skin, her kisses, her smile, her laugh

her, just her

(God, he wanted more of her)/

He was burning; his body hurt from missing her, from wanting her.

She devastated him and left.

[why did she leave?

was he that bad?

she said he was perfect.]

[she could lie.]

Kylo couldn’t stand the heat anymore; he was delirious once again. But it wasn’t the sun anymore – but the heat, fire rising inside him, consuming him in the marks of her kisses.

One time.

It was one time and he… he didn’t even feel anything like this when he was a teenager.

He felt her. She marked him long before she touched him.

But now, he knew.

He was all hers.

He took off his shirt, not stopping his run.

He had to stop thinking about her.

He had to.

[he couldn’t]

Her lips, her voice, her. Her on him, her around him.

He won’t ever forget it.

[I would never ask for a better first time and I’ll be forever grateful you were my first.]

Kylo wanted to be Rey’s next, last.

He wanted to be her _only_.

The thump of his steps; he could tell sweat was coming down on him in streams; he ran blindly. Delirious and desperate. Abandoned.

No, he told himself. She lied.

His run was coming to an end; he would need to take a shower, but he knew he would definitely help himself as he was going crazy. He missed her so much, he spend years trying to suppress those kind of thoughts about her and _now_ –

He stopped.

Around 500 meters away from him he noticed a dark figure.

Kylo would recognize it everywhere.

Muscular legs, that back.

Two days ago he rammed his fingers onto it.

The sun flooded the track, bathing Rey tying up her short hair in sunbeams.

She had to somehow sense him.

She froze and slowly looked over her shoulder.

He held his breath feeling her eyes on him. They stared at each other, unable to move.

‘Rey’ he said.

His voice echoed in the golden silence of the morning.

He knew she heard him; she jolted when he spoke.

‘We need to talk’ he added, louder.

He took a step in her direction.

Rey’s eyes were big as the doe’s.

‘ _Rey –_ ‘

She turned her back on him and – Jesus fuck, _really_? _!_ – she bolted.

She was fucking fleeing from him.

‘REY!’ he called. ‘STOP!’

He had no choice, but to run after her.

He already ran nearly 10 kilometers, but he gathered all of the remaining energy he had to get to her; however, Rey definitely was just about to start her run, because she was running the fastest mile he has ever seen.

Fuckin’ Sonic the Hedgehog, not a woman.

‘We need to talk!’ he breathed, called, whatever the fuck he did. He ran after her like a maniac, but god, he was desperate.

‘STOP RUNNING AWAY FROM ME!’ his voice was echoing across the empty track. ‘REY!’

She just _cut_ the chicane and _jumped over_ the fuckin’ _fence_ between the two layouts of the track.

Kylo swore under his breath.

A few seconds he was doing the same, just to see her running further and further away from him.

She glanced over her shoulder.

Damn that woman, Kylo thought. He won’t let her get away with it. He knew what he would do to her and God’s his witness –

He blinked.

‘Are you kiddin’ me!’ he yelled. ‘Are you insane!?’

He just – god! – saw her straight up _throwing herself_ behind the barriers of the track.

Did she lose her mind? Did he just lose his? He was short of breath, he was so sore he felt he will spat his lungs out.

He had to stop when he was near the barriers; the blood was hitting painfully his ears , he was that dizzy espresso he drank burp in the form of acidic bile in his throat.

Kylo closed his eyes, trying to catch a breath. He ducked his head and rested his hands on his knees.

‘Why… why are you… like this?!’ he breathed. ‘I know you’re out there, dunno, behind a tree or in a grass.’

‘I won’t let you get away with this, coz… we… we need to talk, Rey’ he said. ‘You can’t… expect us to be strangers… now. We can’t.’

[not after you told me you love me]

‘Have the courage and tell me straight that you regret that night. That we… we don’t have a future. You can’t’ he added. ‘Because I know you’re lying.’

He straightened up and looked around; the wind slowly moved the dry grass around the track.

‘You can’t hide, Rey, not from me’ he said. ‘You can’t hide from yourself. And the truth.’

Silence.

He gulped.

‘Rey.’

Nothing.

Kylo took a deep breath.

‘I’ll leave now, don’t worry’ he said out loud. ‘But I beg you, stop lying to yourself.’

[please, talk to me]

‘Rey’ he whispered. ‘… please.’

His voice broke; he knew she’s close. He knew it so well, because his body was telling him that. It would be so easy, to go to that barriers, grab her and kiss her right there.

But he couldn’t. He couldn’t force her.

He pursed his lips and looked down.

He realized he lost his shirt during his “pursuit”. Last thing he wanted was to come half naked to the hotel, but apparently he had no choice. He had no energy to come back and look for his shirt anyway.

‘Lovely’ he said to himself. ‘Simply lovely.’

He took a deep breath and shook his head.

And then, he turned around and walked away.

*******

The moment when she heard Ben’s receding steps, Rey, curling behind the barrier, let out a breath she was holding.

She was still covering her mouth with her hand. Her heart beat so fast it hurt her.

It was like a bad dream and she couldn’t wake up.

She shouldn’t have left him there. God, she shouldn’t have.

She should talk to him too, not run away. Again. But she panicked. Again. She really didn’t think she would meet him there. Nobody sane would wake up at 5 am and go for a run.

Well, she did. But she couldn’t sleep.

Bloody hell, he was mad. So mad. And tall. Bloody tall. Enormous. Even recalling his face when he saw her made her hot. Rey was sure he would simply ram her and end her the moment he would get his hands on her.

And she would let him.

[I know you’re lying.]

But he was right. She would break the second she would face him. She could leave the note, leave him. But she couldn’t lie with her voice, eyes, her body. She knew that.

She couldn’t lie. Not to him. Not anymore.

She would cup his face and kiss, melt into his touch and beg him to tell her he still loves her.

And he knew that.

Of course he knew.

And sooner or later it would happen.

It was only a matter of time.

*******

Saturday night. Kylo rubbed his eyes.

‘That’s the whole telemetry from today’s qualifying.’

Bellava Parnadee, the coordinator of his team of engineers of planning, preparing and optimising the car during the weekends, took a deep breath.

‘Any questions?’

‘I think we discussed the strategy, tyres, the vibrations…’ Kylo said. ‘I’m not entirely sure about the second sector. I feel we could be faster there.’

[he’s a grump, even P1 is not enough, Rey’s voice echoed in his mind]

Kylo bit his cheek.

‘You think you can be faster?’

Parnadee looked at him; he couldn’t say if she was smiling or she was serious, but she had a distinctive glimpse in her eyes – typical for women actually. He had seen it in eyes of his mother, Rey, Holdo or even Rose.

Like they knew something he didn’t.

‘I do agree with you’ Parnadee shook her head. ‘But we needed to find the most optimal set up for the whole track and race and I think we found it.’

‘I mean, we do’ Kylo agreed. ‘But I feel car can be _faster_.’

Parnadee looked at him and shook her head.

‘You, racing drivers’ she whispered. You only want to go _faster_ and _faster_.’

[too fast, Mr “Speed is relative”?]

Kylo laughed quietly and grimaced.

He didn’t see Rey in the last two days. Not in person. He could catch glimpses of her on the TV screens. But he was always busy and she was always too far away.

Too far away.

But she always waited for him, when he closed his eyes. Her face when she saw him on the truck and was running from him.

They needed to talk and they would.

Kylo just didn’t yet know how.

‘My job is to go… faster, so…’ he said, sipping his almost-empty coffee.

His heart was so heavy. It hurt him to breathe. It was different kind of heartache; overwhelming, washing over him like waves of the bottomless ocean of his feelings. And he was landsick, he was sick from missing her.

But he couldn’t force her to do something she didn’t want.

And they had to talk.

‘Can I ask you something?’

Voice of Parnadee brought him back to reality. Kylo took a deep breath.

‘Yeah, sure.’

They were alone in the back of the garage. Empty desks, the artificial light. The air was dry and tasted of air conditioning. He was tired, but he knew he won’t fall asleep.

‘I couldn’t help, but notice that you’re very interested in… more technical side of our work.’

Kylo was silent.

‘You did?’

‘I’ve talked with Snokovich about it, actually.’

This surname froze blood in his veins. Kylo clenched his fingers on his thigh.

‘Hhymm, nice, then. I just… I just think it’s… my job. Trying to get to know what I’m… driving.’

He avoided her eyes, feeling the cold sweat breaking out on his skin.

‘Kylo’ he heard. ‘You’re just more than that, I’m afraid. And Snoke agreed with me.’

Of course he did, Kylo thought. He did not trust Snokovich. He did not trust himself. The fact that somehow still he didn’t got called into his office and force to explain what happened after gala was astonishing.

But maybe, Snoke didn’t know.

Maybe.

Kylo took a deep breath.

‘We want you, if you want to, to work with us in the evenings. We could… talk to you, you would make notes…’

‘I already do them’ Kylo replied. ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.’

‘So, garage is open. And team work makes the dream work, doesn’t it?’ she said with a smile.

‘I don’t… I don’t know. Me?’ he asked.

‘Kylo’ said Parnadee. ‘I’ve worked… for many drivers. And few teams. I graduated from Cambridge. I can tell you that I know what I’m saying when I say that I feel you’re holding yourself back.’

And he was.

‘Okay’ he said. ‘I’ll help you. I have nothing to lose.’

Parnadee clicked something on her tablet. Kylo rubbed his eyes.

‘I’m glad to get you on the team. Your feedback will be invaluable.’

‘My pleasure.’

He drank last sips of his coffee. He could still see some shadows coming from the garage, people working on the car. Tomorrow was a big day, after all.

‘Can I ask you something?’

His voice sounded strange and hollow.

Parnadee straightened up.

‘Depends.’

‘When was the last time you saw your family?’ Kylo asked.

The cheerful smile faded from her lips.

‘Working… for an F1 team… is a commitment’ she whispered. ‘Travelling, races… this job… has no end. No boundaries. I love it, it’s my life, my whole life was about getting here and I’m doing what I love, but it hurts… to see my daughter –‘

‘Two-three times in a month?’ he finished.

Parnadee nodded.

‘Yes.’

‘It’s a price we pay for being here’ he muttered. ‘We are all… imprisoned here.’

He gulped.

‘Thank you’ he said. ‘For your offer.’

Parnadee looked at him.

‘No, I thank you’ she whispered. ‘You’re… truly your mother’s son. You’re a good person.’

She stood up.

‘Goodnight.’

‘…goodnight, Bellava’ he replied.

He watched her go, feeling his heart heavier than before.

[your mother’s son?]

He didn’t feel like Kylo Ren anymore.

But he wasn’t Ben Solo either.

There was a void in his heart and he had no idea what will emerge from its limbo.

He only knew the metamorphosis was inevitable.

And it was happening right now.

*******

Rey’s heart was already racing and the race didn’t even start.

She could say that this weekend was, for now, good for her.

FP1, P2. FP2, P3. FP3, P2.

Qualifying: P4.

She was starting from the second row.

The start-finish straight was full of people; team members working around the cars, reporters. She could feel eyes of people on her, but no –

She wasn’t really seen.

[esse es percipi;

to be is to be perceived]

[dark eyes,

_I trust you_

_I love you_

_I’m yours_

black holes focused on her]

[she would never have enough of him]

There was a dark tall figure ahead of her. Ben, Kylo was just putting his helmet on. He was talking to some reporter; Rey would recognize her everywhere; a petite blonde was a Spanish journalist.

She smiled at him, touched his arm. Rey felt her body tense in the known way.

She didn’t know how she knows that, but the way the journalist looked at Kylo, her Ben, told her everything. That smile, tilt of the head.

Get your hands off him, she wanted to yell.

He was hers.

She had to stare too long, feeling a pull inside her chest.

She knew it perfectly.

Yearning.

And jealousy.

Her lips burnt, her body called for him.

The world around her was falling apart; she was falling apart. Constant state of annihilation, she was meant to fall more and more apart.

[I know you’re lying]

The faceless man turned to her.

She gasped.

Kylo’s helmet was black, apart from broken red lines painted across its surface. She always wondered from where he got his inspiration, but in that moment, she was breathless.

It was like hearing his voice, inside her mind, loud and clear.

She couldn’t hide.

Even through the black visor of his helmet she felt he’s seeing her.

‘Rey’ she heard Rose’s voice.

She couldn’t look away.

[she didn’t want to]

‘Rey, your helme –‘

‘Thank you, Rose’ she broke the eye contact.

Her heart beat so fast, she felt her cheeks redden.

She was putting on her balaclava, when she looked up.

Leia was just looking at her; Rey averted her eyes; though she felt her stomach twisting painfully.

How long they will last that way? She knew that cycle.

It will always end the same way.

They would collide again.

They would be both hurt.

[or maybe not?]

Then why was she fighting it?

Because of very reason she was racing, she thought, when she looked over the red lights, lighting one after another.

Breaking the cycle would mean breaking the role she played her whole life.

And she was nothing without it.

*******

Surprise of all the surprises, Kylo Ren won French Grand Prix!

He was Kylo Ren, but god, him winning again was even annoying for him.

At some point he was sure Mercedes FO will stop celebrating victories and take them for granted.

He couldn’t lie, the race was just plain ass boring. He got a good start, he just rode away and drove lap after lap to the chequered flag.

‘It was a very boring race for me’ he said. ‘I was…’

‘Alone?’ Dutch reporter proposed.

/ too / cold / empty / cold / big /

bed

/ without her /

she left

and took your broken heart

/ she left /

again

‘Alone, yeah’ he whispered. ‘I can only hope… Red Bull Ring will provide better… show for the fans.’

It was 1-2 for Mercedes FO. And third person on the podium was not Rey, but Dameron.

Damn his fucking luck. One time when he wished she was third, second, even first, Rey was 4th.

‘Parnadee said you agreed to help the team in the evenings.’

Sunday post-race debrief. Or rather one-on-one debrief. Kylo knew it was necessary consequence, but he really wished to be anywhere but having this tete-a-tete with his boss.

However, surprisingly, Snoke looked well; even his mood was good. It was strange. Because it usually didn’t matter how well they would perform with Hux, still it wasn’t enough. But leading both Drivers’ and Constructors’ championship had to have certain positives. They had more than just a good run; they were on fire. Unstoppable.

Well, Ferrari was close, but still not close enough.

‘I did agree’ he replied. ‘To help.’

‘We will be running a different livery in tribute during German Grand Prix this year’ Snoke said. ‘We will be celebrating our 125th year of competing in motorsport, and 200th start in Formula 1.’

That’s why they were with Palpatine in Mercedes headquarters, Kylo thought.

‘I won’t say that it would be… good, for you and Hux, to score 1-2 during this race’ Snoke added.

‘I understand’ Kylo replied.

The coldness of air conditioning made his skin shiver; he once again thought about Rey.

And when he didn’t think about her?

‘I’m very content with your results this season, you do make your… team… work better. We made progress.’

Kylo kept a poker face.

‘I learn from the best’ he said.

Blue-steel eyes of Snoke fell on him.

‘Team needs to be ruled with an iron fist, boy. Remember that. But…’ he trailed off. ‘I think you already know it.’

Kylo took a deep breath.

Snoke knew.

Snoke knew he was thinking about becoming a team principal in the future.

‘You’re doing well’ Snoke said. ‘We need to make sure team will be in good hands in the future.’

Why his heart was racing? Kylo knew, he knew it too well.

He knew he was playing a dangerous game, since the start of the season. It was so easy then, he knew where his loyalty lay. But nothing was now as it seemed.

Away from F1, Skywalkers, Ferrari, Mercedes, Snoke.

And still, he knew he can’t escape.

Because as he said, him and Rey were imprisoned here forever.

Unless they would escape.

‘But… business aside, I didn’t ask you about the gala.’

He pursed his lips and looked down.

Rey’s petal dress, him kissing her shoulders, her legs –

‘Nothing extraordinary’ he muttered. ‘We came, we saw, we… left.’

With last word he looked at Snoke, who was watching him.

‘Veni, vidi, vici’ he whispered.

‘It was all snobbism’ he added, his voice getting cold and lower. ‘Everyone getting their asses just to show off and get their pictures taken. At least they had vodka.’

Snoke laughed. Kylo did his best to keep his face stern.

‘Well… what we could expect from… birthday gala organized by FIA? Plus, they had their whole… Women in Motorsport committee there, I suppose.’

His mother sitting with Holdo, Tano and Rose. That women radiated power that Snoke’s power was nothing in comparison. Snoke was a mere mortal; but these women were the Moiras, no, Horae personified; no, they were watching his every move and judging him, and he knew if he would commit lèse-majesté he would meet with something worse than exile to the Underworld.

‘FIA tries so hard to promote female talents and they let Skywalker Ferrari succumb their own and only female racing driver.’

‘It’s a “racing driver”’ Kylo corrected him. ‘”Female racing driver” sounds ridiculous.’

Snoke was silent. Kylo shrugged.

‘Male racing driver. Male engineer’ he added. ‘Let me remind you that some of our best, if not the best engineers on the team, are women.’

‘And why so?’ Kylo asked. ‘You accepted them, because their applications were usually… overlooked… by different teams.’

Snoke watched him.

‘I don’t know what you are planning, boy’ he said. ‘But… the more I think about it, the more I’m sure… Ferrari will waste Király. She’s a good driver. And we would get her a finer job here.’

But not with you, Kylo thought.

And she wouldn’t agree.

What did he actually want?

A quiet life? At this point he was addicted; he had been racing since he was 5 or even 4. That year, when he was told he probably won’t ever race again – and if so, not in F1 due to his height – and he stopped racing, was one of the worst in his life. Could he leave F1 and live as a normal man?

He didn’t want anything. He didn’t want to be the world champion,it was never about the racing, really. He raced, because he had to, he didn’t know better and he was scared that if he stops, the reality of how empty his life is would crush him.

He just wanted to belong somewhere. He loved to drive and race, but if his parents and uncle wouldn’t be involved in F1 would he become a racing driver?

If Rey didn’t want so hard to be one, would he go with her to the racing tracks every weekend?

He doubted that.

He only thought of future with Rey; but their work and life would be tied together – because he knew that they did belong together.

It’s been a week already since Rey kissed him.

It felt like a moment, it felt like eternity.

Kylo left the garage in the evening, feeling his hands being dirty, despite wearing the gloves, while working on the car. He helped his team to strip it down and prepare it to get back to Brackley. There was certain monotony in just using his hands, to see the whole chassis from down and hearing his mechanics checking on him and even praising.

‘You have a flair for that’ he heard. ‘You would make a good mechanic.’

These words left a bitter aftertaste.

He knew why he had that “flair”.

His grandfather, father, uncle – they all had “flair” for mechanics.

He stripped down off his team shirt and threw the cap on the bed, taking the clean shirt from the suitcase.

He was just washing his hands once again (they still smelt of brake fluid), when he heard a knock on a door.

He froze.

Could it be Rey…?

He looked in the mirror; he met his own startled gaze, yet full of hope. He gulped and fixed his hair, but he looked pretty terrible.

Amazing.

He opened the door.

‘You?’ he drawled. ‘Bitch, get the fuck out.’

Hux rolled his eyes and crossed arms on his chest.

‘A very nice way to greet your teammate, asshole.’

‘What the fuck are you doin’ here?’ he asked.

Hux shook his head.

‘I don’t know, I kinda saw there’s a karaoke downstairs and I thought you would want to get a drink –‘

‘Whoa whoa lemme stop you right here, _chap_ ’ Kylo interrupted him. ‘You kinda saw? And you _kinda_ came here to _kinda_ invite me for a drink?’

Hux growled.

‘I try to be nice.’

‘Don’t bullshit me, Armitage’ Kylo crossed his arms. ‘You just don’t wanna look like an imbecile being alone at the bar.’

‘Says the imbecile of the year, Benoit.’

‘Well, says the ultimate imbecile.’

They stared at each other, squinting. Kylo crossed his arms.

‘Are we done complimenting each other?’ Hux asked.

‘Depends’ Kylo says. ‘I have a colorful vocabulary of epithets.’

Hux laughed.

‘Király is there.’

Kylo gulped.

‘Not alone, I assume’ he whispered. ‘No doubt Rose is with her then.’

Hux fixed him with a stare.

‘And so?’

‘You’re a bloody stalker, aren’t ya?’ Kylo leaned on the door’s frame.

‘Like you don’t stare at Király all the time.’

Really, Hux was simply _that bitch_.

‘You won the race, Ren. Let’s go for a drink. A beer. And we can just…’

‘Stare at the women like creeps…?’

Hux hissed.

‘I just wanna listen to people humiliating themselves with their singing.’

‘You were the one to sing “Spice Up Your Life” when we were 10’ Kylo pointed out.

Hux blinked.

‘I swear to God, one day I’ll kill you.’

‘You were an excellent _Ginger_ Spice, Hux.’

He patted him on the shoulder.

‘You pay’ he said.

What he had to lose actually? And he would definitely use some alcohol.

Of course the whole hotel had that F1 style – Kylo cold notice the photos of F1 cars from the past hanging on the walls, there was even 2006’s BAR car hanged above lobby. He was an F1 driver, a championship leader, race winner and even he felt he is being choked with all that all-consuming Formula Oness.

Hux noticed his stare.

‘It is… Button’s car, right?’ he asked.

‘BAR-Honda 006, monocoque chassis, V10 engine. Second in 2004 Constructors’ Championship.’

Hux stopped and looked him up and down.

‘You’re really a nerd’ he said. ‘Nobody sane remembers that.’

Kylo sighed.

Five minutes later they found themselves in the open air bar outside the hotel. He could hear the chatters, laughs and flashes of people taking selfies. The colorful lights reflected in the calm, dark surface of the swimming pool. Kylo reluctantly looked around; not to find Rey he told himself, but Hux said she was there. He just came to get himself some well-deserved alcohol.

‘Two… what’s the best beers you have here?’ Hux asked the bartender, when they sat by the bar. ‘German? Czech? Polish?’

‘If you want moonshine then I propose Polish’ Kylo muttered. ‘I’ve heard that shit can have even up to 70%.’

Hux looked at him stunned.

‘Wha – really?’’

‘Gentlemen, from Czech beers we have Pilsner’ they heard.

‘Okay, two Pilsners’ Kylo said.

Hux shook his head.

‘70% you say?’ he whispered.

‘I heard so.’

A minute later they both had beer mug in front of them. Hux drank half of his at once.

‘Thank god I don’t have to drive the damn car for next two weeks’ he whispered. ‘That whole “don’t drink if you drive” irritates me.’

Kylo raised an eyebrow and took a sip; as he was drinking he looked over his shoulder.

So many people, but he couldn’t see Rey.

‘I can still write you on the list of karaoke’ he heard.

He turned to Hux.

‘No, thanks. Not a singer’ he replied. ‘I would cause a permanent brain damage for the guests.’

‘Many of them would take it gladly’ Hux replied, drinking again.

Kylo stared at his beer.

His heart was heavy again. He bit his lip.

‘I should be jealous of you’ he heard.

He looked at his teammate, who was watching him.

‘Why?’

Hux shook his head.

‘You’re Snoke favourite… you’re the championship leader… and yet…’

‘Lemme guess, I’m pathetic?’ Kylo proposed.

‘Kinda.’

Kylo sighed.

‘Why didn’t you tell Snoke about Tico?’

Hux’s voice changed, his face as well. His eyes were focused on him and sharp; Kylo realized there was a hidden intention in Hux asking him for a drink.

‘Why would I tell him about her?’ he said.

Hux laughed.

‘You could use it against me. Like… Snoke uses Király. And it would be funny, after all. Telling our boss I have… a crush on some mere spokeswoman. And how she rejected me.’

Kylo shrugged.

‘I don’t find it funny.’

‘You don’t?’ Hux lowered his voice.

‘No’ Kylo said. ‘I actually think… it’s kinda sad.’

‘I don’t understand.’

‘I can still tell him’ Kylo hissed.

Hux shook his head.

‘No’ he whispered. ‘If you wanted to, he would already know.’

He felt Hux’s gaze on him.

‘What game are you playing, Ren?’ Hux asked.

Kylo growled.

‘I don’t play anything’ he replied. ‘But… I understand you.’

‘I understand’ he added, drinking again.

So, so heavy. He couldn’t breathe.

Rey’s laugh, her smile, her smile against his lips as they kissed.

‘You just chose the worst pick up line ever’ he said. ‘I thought I will die of second embarrassment.’

Hux facepalmed himself.

‘And you’re much better with women, Ren’ Hux said theatrically. ‘So good that you only stare at Király and drool.’

Kylo turned to him.

‘I don’t drool.’

Did he?

Hux laughed under his nose.

‘Oh, definitely.’

‘At least I talked with Rey’ he said. ‘Not once.’

‘You grew up together, it doesn’t count’ Hux pointed out.

‘Tico wanted to electrocute you when you hit on her’ Kylo riposted. ‘Who says that after second attempt, Mr Armie won’t be able to produce kids.’

Hux backed away.

‘Wow’ he shook his head.

Kylo gave a laugh and drank some of his beer.

‘Wait, I have something for you’ Hux said.

And he theatrically shoved a middle finger in his face.

‘Fuck you, Benoit.’

Kylo also showed him a middle finger.

‘Fuck you too, Armitage.’

They heard a loud groan.

‘Guys, get a room.’

They both turned to see a guy sitting behind Kylo who cleared his throat.

‘I want to enjoy the evening’ he added. ‘And you talk so damn loud.’

‘Shut the fuck up’ Kylo and Hux said at once.

Their gazes met, Hux shrugged.

Guy sighed.

‘Wokay. But you two have definitely too… intense foreplay.’

Kylo blinked.

‘We’re not… not _gay_ ’ Kylo hissed. ‘I mean…’ he lacked words. ‘I’m not saying… it’s something to be ashamed of, human sexuality is fluid and it can change and… there’s nothing wrong with being gay or bisexual, pansexual, sexuality is fluid, but we’re not gay –‘

‘Jesus Christ, Ren, shut up, you’re making it worse’ Hux whispered.

Kylo growled.

‘I’m just trying to be an ally here, you whore.’

Guy laughed.

‘Adorable. Get a room.’

‘I’m going back to my room’ Kylo stood up. ‘And if –‘

His words faded away.

There was a distinctive sound of turning on the microphone as his eyes fell on the two women that got into provisional “stage” some meters away from him.

His breath was lost when his eyes settled on Rey; she smiled. A rosy blush painted his cheeks as his heart beat faster. She was wearing tight black The Police t-shirt – he could tell by the three stripes of primary colors – and, of course, Red Roses rugby shorts.

He had to stare a bit too long onthe line of her inner thighs, feeling his cheeks heating up; but even the line of her waist… god, he felt like a pervert, because he just couldn’t forget.

He couldn’t forget her on him, the way her hair curled around her long neck, the way her collarbones would reflect the lights, how her skin was soft under his touch. He wanted her fingers scratching his back, he wanted, again and again, to lose himself in her, because he finally understood –

‘Ren, sit down, don’t stand like an idiot.’

Hux grabbed him by shirt and Kylo sat down.

‘So, our karaoke night will be opened by a special guest’ said the host. ‘Ladies and gentleman, I want to present a racing driver by day and a singer by night, Rey Király.’

Rey waved shyly at the crowd; applause and several whistles could be heard.

‘So, unfortunately… I lost a bet to my friend’ she said to the microphone. ‘And… I gotta sing a song.’

She put a strand of her hair behind an ear.

‘Just forgive me’ her voice was already a whole symphony; hearing it was a torture. ‘I’m not a singer.’

‘Come on, peanut, you sing well!’ he heard Finn and he felt a stung of jealousy.

So close, yet so far away.

‘So, to not make it worse… can I at least request a song I will sing, Rose?’

‘That’s unfair’ Kylo heard Dameron’s voice.

‘Yes, you can, Rey.’

Hux cleared his throat hearing Rose’s voice. Kylo lowered his eyes, before looking again at her.

Rey laughed; God, his stomach just twisted from pain hearing it, but still – it rang hollow.

Or he just wanted it to rang hollow?

[do you miss me as I miss you, he thought

are you going crazy too?]

‘Oh… ’ Rey’s voice broke. She laughed again and looked down. Kylo could tell she’s nervous or he was just projecting that image upon her.

‘I’ll sing Joan Jett’s… “I hate myself for loving you”.’

Kylo hold his breath; his heart stopped.

He watched Rey.

He couldn’t look away.

Several phones went up; not every day you could witness a racing driver singing, right?

The enormous drums echoed through the night; when the guitar came in, Kylo found himself anxious, even more anxious than before.

He hardly ever remembered Rey’s singing voice. As a child she would sing from time to time. She had a lovely voice, but she was a child then. There was some lack of proper technique, missing the notes typical for children.

Nothing prepared him for hearing her singing voice now.

He knew he would beg her to sing for him in the future.

‘Midnight, gettin' uptight, where are you’ she began. ‘You said you'd meet me, now it's quarter to two, I know I'm hangin' but I'm still wantin' you – ‘

He knew he wasn’t the only one surprised; Rey had a crystal clear voice, at first a bit weak as she wasn’t sure she can actually sing, when she… when she sounded wonderful.

She lacked distinctive Jett’s raspy voice, but she was herself; something in him broke listening to her.

‘I'm not really jealous, don't like lookin' like a clown’ her voice became stronger as the crowd’s whistles.

‘I think of you every night and day’ she sang more and more confident, with more strength in her voice.

‘You took my heart, then you took my pride away away awaaaaaaaaaaaaay’ she grabbed the microphone and closed her eyes.

‘I hate myself for loving you’ she sang each word as she thump with her leg on the podim and moved her hair. ‘Can't break free from the things that you do, I want to walk but I run back to you, that's why –‘

‘I hate myself for loving you!’ someone from crowd joined.

Watching her on stage was simply obscene; the way she moved, the way she closed her eyes, her voice –

He was egoistic. And stupid.

But he wanted nothing more than this song to be about him.

Did she hate herself for loving him?

‘You just don't know what you was missin' last night’ she sang. ‘I want to see your face and say forget it just from spite – ‘

But it felt different. The crowd could clasp their hands, help her sing, but there was another bottom to that whole rock song in the way Rey sang it.

He had to imagine that, but he could see a sparkle in her eyes; tears.

 _Look at me,_ he begged her.

_Look me in the eye and tell me the truth._

Do you really hate me?

‘I think of you every night and day – ‘

And finally, she looked.

She blinked several times meeting his gaze. Kylo looked at her.

She didn’t expect him here, he knew that.

Another blush painted her cheeks, her hand fell from the microphone.

‘You… You took my heart’ she didn’t sang these words, she almost whispered.

She stared at him.

‘That’s why… I hate… myself for loving you.’

Kylo stood up.

‘Thank you’ she said when the music was still playing.

And she once again was running away from him.

And he, once again, made after her.

He looked around; the lights of the hotel illuminated the almost empty garden surrounding the building. But she was gone, she faded away in the dark night.

His heart was so heavy.

But lighter than before.

He knew why.

He gave a small laugh.

Rey loved him, he told himself.

She loved him.

*******

Rey really couldn’t believe she was finally alone.

She came back from France just yesterday. After two racing weekends in a row, being a part of one of the biggest F1 dramas lately (and having her face plastered all over the news with her “board-switch”) as well as avoiding Kylo, she was exhausted.

She was so tired of running away, but she couldn’t stop.

She absolutely hated that she let Rose and Finn for that bet.

‘Come on’ Finn said and Poe was straight up giggling over his pinacolada. ‘You gotta sing, what’s the worst that can happen?’

Something worse than worst did happen.

Rey liked to sing, she liked music. Music accompanied her during her long workouts, during endless flights. But she couldn’t find shelter in it anymore; every song she listened to, every song she played, it reminded her, in one way or another, of _him_.

Kylo, Ben – she still wasn’t sure how she should call him – was the last person she expected at the karaoke night.

He was the last person she expected at 5 am on the racing track.

She knew he would go after her, again, the moment when their gazes met. She had no intention of running away, again, but she couldn’t stop.

Her heart was beating fast, when she leant against the cold wall.

She was hiding, again, from him.

Again and again.

She passed out for almost 12 hours; she felt comfort in sleeping in her own bed, in the known room of her childhood. Chewie came to her and slept by her side and she couldn’t help, but smile, feeling his steady breath and fur under her fingers. She knew she can’t sleep forever – however in a dream, she was away, free of worries of her life.

The dream ended when Luke woke her up

Or actually, she just woke up startled and found her adopted father just staring at her.

‘Reymont’ he said. ‘I need to leave you alone for some hours, there’s some things I need to clarify with nearby farmers and discuss few matters about the horses. I’m also taking Chewbacca to the vet. So you will be home alone.’

Rey blinked.

‘Alone?’ she asked, sitting on the bed.

Luke sighed.

‘It’s just some hours’ he said. ‘And when I get back… would you want to go for a walk with me? Or we could…?’

‘Buy us a pizza’ she said with a smile. ‘We can watch Top Gear together.’

Luke laughed.

‘Pepperoni?’

‘And for you with bacon’ she added.

‘You know me too well’ Luke leant to her and kissed her forehead.

Rey’s smile froze on her lips.

She remembered someone else kissing her that way.

‘I’ll be back. Enjoy… being alone’ he said.

‘Definitely I’ll enjoy it’ she replied quietly.

Through the window in her room, she watched Luke leaving; Chewbacca jumped on the front seat; she always did that. She didn’t exactly knew why she was doing it. She simply had to. Her mind made her do this; Rey had to watch Luke leave, say goodbye and deep down she was just scared it can be the last time she could see him again.

Her eyes were still heavy with sleep when Luke’s car disappeared into distance.

Being alone as an F1 driver was like a drug; the quietness of simply being alone was intoxicating.

Rey spent a good hour in the shower, washing her hair from all the sorrows of the last weeks. She rarely had time for such luxuries and for her, luxury was to be at home; she could spent nights in most luxurious hotels all over the world, but home was home.

She scrubbed her skin so hard and long it became pink and hot. She wanted to wash away his scent, the memories of his touch.

She knew she would fail to do so, but she tried anyway.

Once she finished; she got her robe, dried her hair, put some conditioner and some mousse. Downstairs, she turned on the TV and picked one of Luke’s favourite albums – The Police’s “Synchronicity”.

She needed music to not hear her own thoughts.

The songs and Sting’s voice echoed across the house when Rey was swirling around the kitchen preparing her breakfast. The day was grey, thick white clouds covered the skies to the horizon and Rey knew it would definitely rain later. But for now, she just wanted to enjoy this day.

It was total escapism, she knew that.

But she had to pretend at least for one day, that she’s her old self again.

She was just pouring cereals to her milk when she heard a knock on the door.

She froze.

Was it Luke? No. He just left. And he had his own keys. So, who could it be? Who knew that they lived here? A gardener? A cleaning lady maybe?

The knocking continued.

She put the bowl with cereals away and turned off the TV; she tightened the robe. Her breathing became fast.

She reluctantly came to the door and looked through the spy hole.

She gasped and backed away.

No.

No, no, no!

‘Rey’ she heard Kylo’s voice. ‘We need to talk.’

He couldn’t.

God, why?!

Rey closed her eyes.

‘Go away’ she said. ‘Please… go away.’

‘Rey.’

She hated the way he said her name. It sounded too soft, it made her feel _too_ much.

‘We need to talk’ she heard. ‘And you know that. You owe… me an explanation. Not only… for the note, but…’

She did, she did owe him an explanation.

‘If… if we talk… will you leave?’

She was breathless.

Kylo was silent.

‘I will… leave, yes.’

‘Luke’s not here.’

Rey bit her lip, hearing her voice, suddenly so high, so childish.

‘I don’t care if Luke’s here or not, we need to talk. Please… let me in.’

They needed to talk.

She knew that.

Was it that moment?

She couldn’t run away from him. Or hide.

Not anymore.

She was scared; not of him, no. She was just scared, because –

God, she could feel it.

She could feel _it_ again.

‘I promise… I’ll go, Rey. I… promise.’

His voice, the depth of it, its softness was like a touch of his finger she longed for. She could imagine his eyes – the way he looked at her when she sang.

When she sang the song for him, because god, she hated herself for loving him.

But she couldn’t stop.

She didn’t want to stop.

The constant fight between the heart and logic.

And her heart had its reasons, the reasons she had no idea of.

Or she had.

She took a deep breath and put her hand on the door handle.

‘Rey –‘ Kylo once again asked her, but she didn’t let him finish.

She opened the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, y’all, I hope you had a blast here. I love Hux and Kylo and their banter was amazing (at least to me to write). But Kylo running after Rey, well it was quite comedic for me. I enjoyed it. 
> 
> So, some clarification, title comes from French term “l’appel du vide”. The whole story is about transformation of Rey and Kylo and I feel there’s always been some void inside Rey she wanted to fill and (eventually) she will have to face. Just again, I loved how it sounded. 
> 
> I also really tried to check which track would look like a constellation. Sorry for some philosophy talk, but I didn't prepare myself for 3 philosophy olympiads to not use my shitty and partial knowledge. And I kinda liked Hume, Berkeley and Locke with their empirism. 
> 
> If you feel offended that Rey pours milk first and later cereal, get over it. I DO THAT. And I won’t STOP. 
> 
> My gf chose this song of Joan Jett and we know we have to put it ;) I love you, Lizzy. 
> 
> I didn’t really spend 15 minutes to check what car was hanging in the lobby, but it’s in fact, Jenson Button’s one. Lol, I’m a nerd.
> 
> And shritless Kylo was very VERY IMPORTANT TO THE PLOT. wE ALL nEEd SHIRTLESS KYLO 
> 
> The picture of that TROS Kylo Ren's helmet - that's the helmet used by British Formula E racer named Sam Bird during the last rounds of 2020 Berlin ePrix (I mean there was like 6 races this year in Berlin to finish the season, but they used diffrent layouts and etc I'll shut up). But the design was choosen by Sam's son, who apparently loves Kylo (and who doesn't? ;)
> 
> I don’t know if I need to do any F1-lingo here, but you can check how Paul Ricard track really looks. It’s terrible, beautiful, but god, my eyes.
> 
> So guys, next chapter we have Kylo-Rey talk. How it will end? The answer will be revealed in the next chapter (if I write it tho).
> 
> Take care of yourself and I wish you all the best. 
> 
> See ya (I hope so) next chapter :)


	20. Chapter 19: Undisclosed Desires

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, I just? 
> 
> Well, okay.
> 
> I’m going start with my sincere apologies. I am so so sorry for causing such a havoc. I’ve explained already in the comments that I was stating my thoughts about deleting this fanfic, but you gotta know one thing about me: I complain a lot, I get mental breakdowns over my writing, I say that I will stop writing and next day… I’ writing. 
> 
> Yep.
> 
> I’m so sorry for causing you such distress and I’m embarrassed. It wasn’t my intention to make you feel that. I won’t stop writing this story and I really want to finish it and well, my gf would kill me if I wouldn’t so send her your regards because yeah I love this woman, but I also prefer to live. 
> 
> I’m joking, Lizzy, forgive me.
> 
> But once again, I’m really sorry. I want to thank you, every one of you who commented, left kudos, bookmarked, subscribed (and we have nearly 100 subscribers to this story!), because you know, it means A LOT to me. 
> 
> So yes, I want to thank everyone, you, you who reads those words. Thank you for reading this story, my notes before and after chapter. You are a part of this story and I couldn’t ask for lovelier readers.
> 
> I won’t lie that this chapter was hard. Because during writing it I had around 3 mental breakdowns, my period was killing me (it's still killing me because voilà! my uterus fucking hates me and served me another period after only 2 weeks!), I also burnt both of my hands (at once coz I am A FUCKING IDIOT) and really, you see, my inspiration said bye. Meanwhile, I also got back at my lodgings (because I still gotta go to uni one time a week for seminar class, the rest is online lolololo) and really my anxiety changed me into just anxiety personified. So maybe God didn’t want me to write this chapter, but duh, but I still FUCKING DID IT! HA!
> 
> To not beat around the bush, I want to thank my gf who gibbs slapped me. She’s my haven and well, I still don’t know how I got a gf when my flirting skills weren’t better than Kylo’s or Anakin’s. But if I could get a gf telling her poop jokes, live your dreams, y’all. It’s possible to get a gf.
> 
> I also want to thank my beta reader, Dot, who is a wonderful friend and makes this story even better. I didn’t think I would meet a new friend and she’s wonderful! Thank you so much, Dot! <3
> 
> I want to say as well that if you have tumblr, we made a reylo sideblog you can find [here ](https://drivenbyreylo.tumblr.com/)  
> We plan to post some gif sets there, edits and eventual sneak peeks if anyone is interested. Also, I plan to update now regularly, so you can (usually) expect a new update every second Friday, because I want to give you, my lovely readers, a small present for the weekend.
> 
> I also provide the links to the videos my beloved made:  
> [Paparazzi – Driven ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4T816WuZVvw)  
> [Undisclosed Desires – Driven ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0JchcXdyDj0&feature=youtu.be)
> 
> She also created the edit for this chapter!!! 
> 
> I won't post the songs I've listened during this chapter, but do me a favour and listen and read the lyrics of Björk's "Venus as a Boy". I have so many thoughts about this song and I cannot articulate how much I adore it.
> 
> So, I hope you’re ready, because I’m not. 
> 
> Be my guest!

> Love is desire sustained by unfulfilment.
> 
> – Angela Carter, _Puss-in-Boots_

They both held their breaths when they saw each other.

Kylo felt his heart skipping a beat.

He admired himself for doing that. A year ago he wouldn’t even think about coming here to talk to Rey. There was that uncertain, unwritten truce between him and Skywalkers; he got on with his life and they pretended he doesn’t exist.

Well, not quite, but close.

His mother would always try to contact him, but he wasn’t ready.

Now, everything changed.

He couldn’t just keep on pretending. He was sick of that. And he was sick of Rey pretending. And he knew she pretends, because he knew _her_. She always would smile and nod, even if his mother and uncle would send her for quantum physics course and made her join the Marines.

And would it be enough for them?

Nope.

‘You don’t see she’s overworked’ he told his mother one autumn evening, many, many years ago. ‘Poe didn’t have to work that hard.’

His mother only shook her head.

‘Motorsport is brutal, Ben’ she replied. ‘Especially for a woman. She needs to be prepared.’

He stood up.

‘You’re even more brutal’ he said. ‘You’re ruthless and callous. You aren’t preparing her, you’re _killing_ her.’

And feeling his mother eyes on him, he left the room.

But he never forgot her gaze; his mother wanted to reply, tell him that he’s mistaken, but Kylo knew why she stayed quiet.

Because she would lie.

His mother knew.

She perfectly knew how unforgiving and unrelenting her and his uncle’s plan for getting Rey into Formula 1 was.

People would say she got infor her surname and colligations, but at the end of the day everybody knew there was no other driver from Ferrari Academy who would deserve the seat more than her.

Kylo watched Rey’s career for last 8 years. Every F3, F2 race. Every quali. He observed how she adapts her racing style; Rey was a smooth and precise driver, she looked sometimes slow when she was, in fact, fast. However, sometimes her style changed; he knew then that Rey was angry and furious, she was becoming unpredictable. She was changing, she was constantly changing; precise and calm driver, yet aggressive and aberrant.

[a contradiction.]

He could see the technique of driving that characterized his uncle, sometimes the one of his mother; sometimes it was Poe.

And sometimes – when he hardly believed what he saw – the one he used.

Rey was a chameleon, volatile, selcouth; a new breed of driver, he would say. Amplitude. She was the disconfirmation that contradictions can co-exist in one being. Trying to profile her became Kylo’s obsession, like he wished to read from her racing lines the future of her and him, like Ancient Greek astronomers wished to read future from the lines connecting the stars of constellations.

Which of those lines led him to her now?

His heart seemed to break apart at the sight of her. For years, he was numb from it; now he never felt so alive.

 _Stop running away from me_ , he wished to say out loud.

_Stay._

He didn’t think of her as cure for his loneliness, no, here she was mistaken. For years he wanted to be by her side for the sake of talking to her, for getting a glimpse of inside of her brilliant mind. He loved her and for years, so many, many years, he just wanted her to see him – see him. Not as a lover. Not as a friend. They were more than that and any human language seemed to be hopelessly lacking in words to describe them.

Soulmates? Kindred souls?

There was _something._

 _Something_ that undoubtedly pushed them towards each other as pushed them apart.

He didn’t want to fight it anymore.

He was giving in; and the ocean of his feelings bore him to the place of his destiny.

Rey.

She had to feel it too. He could see it all written on her face.

Kylo gulped.

 _Give in_ , he thought.

_Please._

She lowered her eyes right away; he also looked away, but almost immediately glanced at her with the corner of his eyes, feeling breathless.

She had to take a shower a while ago; her short hair were damp, hanging in rats’ tails and he could smell delicate scent of her shampoo. She was wearing a robe too and other part of him, a part he wanted to gibbs slap hard right now, noted that « _probably_ » she had nothing under it.

Jesus fuckin’ Christ.

His lips had to get dry, his heart beat so fast.

Rey, like she just heard his thoughts, on cue tied her robe tighter around herself; she crossed her arms over her chest and she looked him in the eye.

There was a bloom of pink over her freckled cheeks.

A sunrise, Kylo thought and felt a sudden urge, no, necessity to kiss it.

‘You’re hard to find’ he finally spoke.

‘You’re hard to get rid of’ she replied.

Their eyes met and he _knew_.

Damn this woman.

He really didn’t think.

He was desperate, he was desperately in love and he desperately wanted to talk to her.

“Don’t put your fingers in the door”, his mother would say.

But sometimes you had to get a foot there too.

And get both of them smashed.

Kylo screamed in sudden pain; he backed his hand, his foot as well.

Rey opened the door she just shut in his face.

‘Oh god, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean – ‘

Kylo pursed his eyes tightly, feeling tears in the corners of his eyes.

‘Cука блять’ he swore. ‘Fuck!’

The pain pulsated in his hand and foot, more and more as his heart was beating. He moved his hand: no fingers damaged, all working. It was a knee-jerk reaction: all drivers would always check if their hands are all right.

How else he would operate the steering wheel?

He laughed quietly.

‘Oh, you meant it, Rey’ he hissed. ‘You fuckin’ meant it.’

He heard Rey’s taking a deep breath.

He groaned and straightened up, still massaging his hand.

Rey stared at him, pale and shocked holding onto the door frame. He pursed his lips as she looked away.

‘What you will do next time?’ he asked sharply. ‘I came to _talk_ to you. It’s not enough for you to break my heart again? To run away from me like I’m some sort of monster?’

Rey closed her eyes and shook her head.

‘Kylo –‘ she began.

‘No, Rey’ he interrupted her.

He knew exactly what she wanted to say.

‘You don’t see how ridiculous your behavior became?’ he asked. ‘And you know it. ‘

She glared at him.

He felt acid in his throat, pain now flowing through his veins. She was just in front of him, so close and yet – so far away.

So stubborn. And he hated and loved her for it.

She was willingly running away from him, ignoring all the signs even after she told him she loves him.

‘I told you what I had… to say’ she whispered.

‘In that note you left sneaking out in the morning?’ he asked.

Rey was silent.

‘Yes.’

Her voice sounded so forcedly strong, her proud stare too.

But he knew how much of her pride was pretended.

Wasn’t it the sin of all the Skywalkers?

Hubris. Pride.

Even his.

‘You mean… you mean that… note?’

He really didn’t carry it to read it to her, did he?

He totally did.

He took it from the pocket on his chest and unfolded it. Rey’s eyes fell on the note; he could tell panic rising in her hazel eyes. He knew it was petty, but he had to see her face when he would read it out loud to her.

‘Ben, Kylo’ he started and right away cleared his throat. ‘I’m so sorry to leave you alone. I should have known better that my actions would have… terrible consequences – ‘

‘Not only for me, but for you as well. You must… realize… there is no future for us where one of us wouldn’t get… hurt. You know…’ he glanced at her. ‘That we cannot be together.’

Rey’s lips twitched.

‘I-‘

‘We both long for each other, but be honest… we just projected our loneliness and desire for a kindred soul in each other’ he continued.

He could see tears in her eyes.

But he didn’t stop.

‘We only think we love each other, when in reality… we don’t. We said those things just in the heat of the moment we found ourselves in. You know as I know, what we feel for each other is not… _real_.’

His voice broke. He barley breathed.

‘Please, stop’ Rey’s voice was weak.

[he won’t stop.]

‘I would never. Ask. For. A. better. First …time… and I’ll be. _Forever_. Grate. Ful. You… were… _My. First_ ’ he spat word after another with such venom in his voice it sounded like a whip after another.

And Rey winced, cringed, hearing it.

‘I wish you well… and hope one day you will find your… find _your_ –‘

‘S-stop.’

Their eyes met; Rey’s eyes glistened with tears.

Kylo’s heart felt broken all over again. He didn’t want to do this. He really didn’t want to hurt her – but she was hurting herself more.

And she knew that.

Truth was hurtful, but with pain there was acceptance.

And acceptance was freedom.

‘- find your true love’ he finished.

He lowered his hand; the note fell on the floor, but he didn’t care.

They stared at each other in silent.

Rey was breathing hard; he was breathless.

She shook her head.

‘We… we can’t’ she said. ‘We can’t… be together.’

[They could.

He knew they could.]

‘You are, Rey. You are my true love’ he whispered. ‘You’ve always been.’

Rey took a deep shaky breath.

‘Ben –‘

Kylo bit his lip.

‘You wrote those words, Rey. Not me. You have any idea how… hard they were to read?’

‘It was better that way’ her voice was much higher than usually. ‘I… I had to.’

 _Because she always does what’s right_ , Kylo thought. _But you’re wrong._ _We’re right. Perfect._

_They were and are wrong._

‘Why you had to?’ he said. ‘And I don’t mean just… that morning.‘

‘Why do you keep running away from me?’

He wanted to know.

He needed to know.

Him waking up alone, her seeing him on the track that morning and then, singing a song.

A song that was for him.

‘Why?’

Rey gulped.

‘I… I don’t know.’

‘I think… you do’ he whispered.

He felt her; her warm breath, the way she held it, when he came closer.

[There was no escape now.

They fell into each other’s gravitational fields.]

She held her breath.

‘You do.’

She looked up to him as he stared down. Nothing would stop them to break that invisible wall between them, to kiss and melt into each other flesh; but they couldn’t.

Not yet.

‘It’s not about you or me now’ Kylo said. ‘It’s about _us_ , Rey.’

*******

He wasn’t mad.

He was _furious._

That quiet fury radiated from him with such strength Rey couldn’t help, but shiver.

She knew that gaze of his; watchful eyes, dark eyes, hungry eyes. The insatiability, hunger, thirst effervesced in the irisless ocean of his stare as his pupil seemed to be broken, spilling their blackness all over the whites.

There was no delicacy in him, only blazing anger.

What she had done? She shouldn’t have let him in.

She knew how it would end.

He would destroy her and she longed for it.

She extended her hand to touch a door handle, however Kylo grabbed it and then, bluffly pulled her to him.

The gasp escaped her lips when their bodies touched; she instinctively grabbed his arm to stabilise herself, but feeling hard muscles under her fingers made lose her hold on it almost right away.

He let go off her wrist and caught her in half-embrace, pressing her harder to him.

And with his other hand he closed the door behind him.

Rey felt her cheeks burning when the cavernous sound of turning lock echoed through the hall.

And then, there was silence.

But could silence be so deafening?

She could feel his eyes on wandering on her face, but always coming back to her lips; and she felt the heat radiating from him, fusing with hers.

Kylo’s, Ben’s heart beat steadily under her palm when she placed her hands on his chest.

His hips against her stomach, his legs against her thighs.

[The heat was rising to the melting, fusing point.]

(She remembered how he looked without shirt, a naked skin; even there he had beauty marks, scattered on the matrix of his flesh with the planned happenstance of masterwork. The sudden thought of how she wished to connect those points of the welkin of his skin surprised even her; she felt her skin redden even harder.)

[He was close

too close]

[and still too far away]

[a paradox?]

[yes, a paradox.]

‘Look…’ she said and fell silent.

She didn’t have the courage to look him in the eye. So she stared at his chest, the black-red squares of flannel stormy sea raising and falling down.

‘What happened… was a big mistake’ her voice sounded so emptily, like an echo from the void of her heart.

‘It shouldn’t have happened and I realised –‘

‘What did you realize?’ he asked.

His voice was low and deep, a rumble of thunder echoing deeper inside her than she preferred to admit.

His hand moved on her lower back. She took a deep breath.

‘Rey, look at me.’

_She couldn’t._

If she does that, she will be lost.

She was already a lost soul.

She shook her head.

‘N-no’ she muttered.

‘It wasn’t a request.’

Her lips got dry.

The heat; the lethal radiation. She could feel it through the velveteen of her robe the firmness of his body, the strength of his embrace.

He wouldn’t let her go now.

[She didn’t want it actually.]

‘Rey.’

Low growl, not a voice; a warning. The way he said his voice pulled another deep string inside her.

She could do one thing; stood on her dignity.

If she had any left.

She raised her chin up and looked him in the eye.

[two black holes of his gaze waited for her]

Kylo delicately touched her chin, making her to raise it higher; she could feel his eyes falling on her lips, now so dry she could feel how she wasn’t breathing, but spluttering like an old engine.

‘I’m looking… I’m looking at you’ she choked out.

His thumb brushed her cheek, dangerously close to her lower lip. She closed eyes for a second, for a moment, savouring the sweet warm flooding her body, savouring his touch.

Then she looked at him; Kylo watched her.

‘Are you afraid?’ he asked.

‘Of what?’ she whispered.

She knew perfectly what the answer was.

His touch made her to raise her head even higher; his fingers seemed to ram into her skin.

Kylo shook his head.

‘You accuse me of being a liar’ he muttered. ‘When you’re a born one.’

He backed his hand and her chin dropped at once.

She glared at him breathing heavily.

‘What did you realize?’ he asked again.

He won’t back down, she knew that.

She pushed her hands on his chest, but no power would now make him let her go.

‘It was a… mistake’ she said quietly. ‘That night… shouldn’t have happened.’

Her words, this lie echoed in the empty house, in her mind.

She could feel his reaction immediately. The way his fingers clenched on her waist, the way he held his breath; there was a flash of fury in his dark eyes, like a lighting breaking the sky in half during the storm.

Even the air was so tense like during the storm.

She was willingly making it worse.

Why?

[maybe part of her liked him getting angry]

‘You’re lying’ he hissed.

‘What do you expect from me?’ she whispered. ‘What?’

‘The truth, Rey, the fucking truth’ he stared at her, his eyes were devouring her.

She rammed her fingers onto his chest and proudly raised her chin.

‘It. Was. A. … _mistake._ ’

It was a moment.

The force with which he pinned her to the door winded her.

‘A mistake?’ he whispered perilously too close to her lips. ‘You started it, Rey. You started it _all_.’

She did.

She knew that.

He wouldn’t ever touch her if she didn’t provoke him. Was it even a provocation?

It wasn’t even an invitation.

She was the one to take him to her bed, kiss him, undress him.

And she was the one who left.

Kylo’s stare, his lips – she knew what he feels.

He was hurt. Mad.

He felt betrayed. And crazed. They both were crazed.

[Was it what Eros felt when Psyche betrayed him?]

Rey was breathing hard, unable now to even move – he hold her in viselike grip.

‘You know perfectly it’s not a mistake. We aren’t… a mistake.’

[They weren’t. ]

But she stared at him, silent.

Rey bit her lip, feeling the known heat growing, flooding her body. His chest next to hers, his breath on her skin.

[Contrasts; his firmness, against her softness.]

But they were both burning, their skins seared in contact.

She glanced down feeling his hand backing from her back.

‘Rey’ she heard.

She shouldn’t look.

But she did.

She saw the way his Adam’s apple moves.

He was frowning, glaring at her -

\- with determination.

She couldn’t stop it.

Her breathing became erratic.

[The process of annihilation has already started.]

A quiet whine, a gasp – escaped her lips.

His rough hands wandered under her robe.

His thumbs brushed her hips as she jolted under him. Rey closed her eyes, feeling how he marks the lines over her sides, lower back. His touch was almost unbearable; he pinned her harder to the door, she was crashed by his body, she was intoxicated by his scent.

‘Rey’ he whispered her name and it sounded like a prayer.

It was delirium, the purest lunacy of ardour. Rey turned her head; Ben’s nose was almost touching her jaw, marking long lines of almost-kisses of afire breath all over it, so close to her lips.

She shut her eyes tight, clung to him, because if not, she knew she would fall to her knees.

‘I can’t stop thinking about you’ his whisper caressed her ear.

[another phantom-like kiss over her jaw line]

Rey wanted to end this, it was pure torture, ministrations of a torturer and her body was already numb, shivers marked her skin in waves. She whined, moaned quietly, she tried to stop it, when Kylo’s hands went lower and higher – one getting a tight grip on her hip, other too close to her breasts. The way her robe was already ticking her nipples was driving her crazy, but the thought of his touch there made her, made her –

‘B-Ben’ she whispered.

Her palm cupped his face as she turned her head to him; their noses brushed against each other; he backed his hand from her chest and mirrored her.

‘The way you… you… kiss me’ he muttered, voice low, hoarse. His fingers clenched on her jaw, neck.

‘The way… you touch me. I’m… I’m going crazy.’

She already lost her mind.

Her fingers brushed his lips; they were as dry as hers. He leant in and she felt his breath and hair titillating her neck.

She grabbed him, pressed him harder, deeper to her.

She needed him _closer_.

‘Do you… you feel it too?’

The pressure; the way she gripped her hand on his back, on his hips. She was standing on her tiptoes, barely touching the ground.

‘I… I do’ she whispered. ‘I feel it… too.’

She felt more than only _it._

_They were made to annihilate each other._

_(in_

_her_

_mind’s eye,_

_there was another_

_wave and another wave_

_and another, another , another_

_crashing into sea cliffs of centre of her flesh)_

Kylo backed away.

‘Then why?’ he asked. ‘Why did you… leave?’

He was so hurt.

She hurt him.

Rey remembered his face, sleep-softened, so happy. Her kiss goodbye, when she left in the morning. They could have it; how different her life would look if she didn’t deny him, a week ago, 8 years ago?

She regretted it so hard.

She should have stayed. She should have.

But how can she could stop running away when she was running away her whole life?

[ _you know the truth about speed_ , Luke’s voice echoed in her mind

 _it doesn’t kill you_ ]

[ _the collision does._ ]

And so, they looked at each other in tense, dense silence. Rey felt her eyes getting wet, tears had to vaporise right away in the contact with their skin.

‘I…’

The way his face moved, the delicate rise of the eyebrows.

He was waiting.

‘I… I don’t know if what I feel is true’ she whispered finally.

Her voice broke when she said that.

Her heart had to break as well.

Kylo’s face broke too.

His lips twitched, eyes softened in a way that softened everything inside her.

He wasn’t Kylo, Ben anymore.

Rey didn’t see the face of any of them there. She loved them both for so long, so long, she loved them in her hatred and hated them in her love, but they were always the same person:

The person that stood now in front of her.

Therefore, she wasn’t the only one who was annihilated that day.

They both weren’t the old selves anymore.

Then why she tried so hard to pretend she’s still the old Rey?

Kylo touched her face with a shaky palm, finger; she opened her lips, another spluttering breath came out of her mouth.

His touch was both a relief and pain.

‘You want… the truth?’ Ben whispered.

‘You can’t lie to me’ added; his voice was undeniably gentle, when his touch was not.

[a paradox, paradox, _paradox_ –

She knew the truth.

She couldn’t.

He leant closer and closer, so close.

‘Look me in the eye… Rey’ he muttered.

(His eyes fell on her lips for a second, but then came back to her eyes.)

‘Look me in the eye… and tell me’ he whispered. ‘Tell me you… don’t love me.’

Rey couldn’t breathe; her heart stopped.

She stared at him, stared deep and deeper into his eyes.

[what did Nietzsche say?

when

you gaze

long into an abyss –

_the abyss also gazes into you._ ]

Kylo Ren-Ben Solo had the abyss instead of eyes.

And it was the mirror of her soul.

However their nature changed; they weren’t the mirrors anymore, but a kaleidoscope; she could see herself in their black surface, but that surface tilted and she became a symmetrical, logically illogical pattern; a formula, a matrix of unstable pixels of a soul. And it moved, she moved, it _changed_ , and she _changed_ – she saw herself in that kaleidoscope of fathomless never-ending vortex of his churning emotions.

She saw her own heart in his eyes. She saw his heart too.

And the void she always feared.

But she wasn’t scared anymore.

He was with her.

[ _Simplest of syllogisms, Rey, it’s the simplest of them all_ ]

**Premise A:** He knew.

 **Premise B:** She knew.

[ **Conclusion:** They both knew the truth.]

‘You know the truth’ she said.

‘You know it too’ he whispered.

She was silent.

He came closer, _so close -_

– _if she moves_ –

[Kylo’s thumb brushed her lower lip, his hand wandered lower and lower, more possessively, suggestively. His lips just over hers; she could see how long his lashes are, his beauty marks, the dark bags under his eyes and - his scar.]

[they were a breath away from a kiss.]

‘I can’t’ she muttered. ‘Because…’

‘What?’

[his lips barely moved, that perfect arcs she wanted to line with her fingertip.]

‘ _Say it_.’

The clench inside her, the need to squeeze her legs together; that obvious pulsating deep inside her she couldn’t ignore anymore.

[so, so close]

Rey glanced down at his lips.

And then, she looked him in the eye.

And she only saw the truth there.

[the collision could kill her

but she _had to_ stop running away ]

‘Because I love you’ she whispered.

[One breath.

_She felt his finger ramming onto her skin, when she said those four words, his hips pressing against her stomach –_

But yes,

One breath

One breath

_One breath_ away from a kiss.]

[And they sucked it out of their mouths when they met half way in a violent kiss.]

(Rey knew different kind of thirst in her life; she knew how thirsty you could be during racing sessions; cars had a built-in drinking system, but the isotonic fluid would get so heat up, it didn’t relieve – it had bitter aftertaste and drinking it was a necessity to replace lost water in the race.)

(Rey knew the thirst accompanying a long work out. Somehow the temperature of water was changing its taste and cold water after intervals, weight or neck exercises, tasted like deliverance.)

But she had no idea she was dying of thirst until they kissed.

She threw her hands around his neck; his wandered over her naked hips and thighs since he rolled her robe up. She groaned into his mouth: they kissed deeper and deeper, voraciously and wolfishly, breathless and delirious.

She wanted to suck all of the water out of his lips, suck his breath out.

She wanted him to do the same to her.

(they would become the sole reason of their existence, sharing, fighting for one breath, breathing it into each other’s mouths)

Kylo attacked her neck with kissy bites, going lower and lower on her shoulder - she rammed her fingers into his neck; he growled -

\- he grabbed her leg and put it over his hip.

‘You… owe me… more… than only… an explanation’ he breathed.

She rested her head on the door, partly closing her eyes as the feelings flooding her overwhelmed her. Kylo pinned her harder and she felt the unmistakable hardness between her legs.

She grabbed his head, his hair as she moaned quietly.

His nails marked her skin with long scratches. He marked a line up her throat with his nose and fervid breath.

They wouldn’t even need to touch each other – just breathe on each other’s skins.

[and he was crashing against her

like the waves of the ocean crashed against the rocks.

and she wanted him deeper, deeper

him to touch the deepest point of her being

and make her collapse.]

Her hands stopped at the collar of his shirt and closed on its material.

The grip on her thigh strenghtened when he nestled his face in the nook of her shoulder.

‘What… do… I owe… you?’ she said.

(Delicate, gentle kiss of his lips on her collarbone.)

Her skin felt cold when he backed away.

‘Be with me’ he said. ‘Don’t run away… be… with me.’

How could it be so easy, yet so hard?

The call. She heard it, her heart, her soul knew it.

_Be with me._

_Be –_

‘Nobody has to know’ he added. ‘And I don’t… I wouldn’t care… if it’s a secret. I just want… _you._ ’

Her hands fell lower, on his chest.

‘You, Rey, _you_ –‘

‘I want it’ she whispered. ‘I want it… so much, I want you, but -‘

‘You think too much’ he interrupted her. ‘Like I do.’

He leant in.

‘You think too much, sweetheart.’

They really mirrored each other. Echoed each other.

Kylo let go off her leg and moved away from her.

Rey held her breath.

‘Think about it logically, Rey. Would it be so bad… to have me as a partner? Friend… Boyfriend… Lover?’ he said, his tone tired, academic, blasé.

The way he modulated the timbre of his voice was just doing things to her. Or maybe it was his gaze too; his face could be a perfect mask, but his eyes shone with hellfire. How he controlled himself was a mystery to her.

‘Would it be so bad, Rey?’ he asked.

Would it be?

She shook her head.

‘No.’

It was everything she wanted actually.

‘And…’ he took a deep breath. ‘We love each other.’

[they did, they did love each other]

He was definitely torturing her in some sophisticated way, making her face undeniable truth. She was ruled by her flawed logic her whole life and it was her undoing; now undisclosed desires she repressed for so long, her love for her was breaking her apart again.

[she couldn’t keep on pretending anymore

she couldn’t keep on running away

she loved him, loves him and _will love him_ -

The way he moved his lips sent a clench inward her body, when he looked lower and lower.

[black eyes, obsidian eyes – black holes of her heart he stole from her]

Her hand closed on the belt of her robe.

She wanted to tighten it and her legs together, she wanted to take it off and spread them wide.

He finally looked up, meeting her gaze.

‘I want to show you… what I feel for you’ he said.

(It was obvious, so obvious, Rey knew it would end that way. She wanted it. She longed for him, she missed him –

‘But –‘

‘You need my permission’ she finished.

‘I do’ he whispered in low murmur.

Her heart had to flutter at the sound of those two words.

(If you think I would ever do it without your consent, you don’t know me then at all, his words echoed in her mind. )

Deep down Kylo had that implicit serenity of his nature, the serenity he, same as Rey with her denial of her feelings for him, tried to untether himself from.

But they couldn’t.

They wouldn’t ever break unthetered themselves from their true natures.

‘I don’t want to be gentle with you, Rey’ he said, his voice suddenly sounding less human. ‘I’m…. I’m mad at you. So… _so mad_.’

His eyes fell down low on her again as he pursed his lips; his face seemed to break apart.

‘Fuck’ he muttered and closed his eyes.

Rey barely breathed.

‘I…’ she whispered. ‘I can’t… touch…’

Words were coming so hard to her, she seemed to forget them, the grammar, the language itself. It was a miracle that they didn’t end throwing themselves into each other arms, but something kept them from doing this.

‘It doesn’t feel the same anymore’ she said, her voice breaking, her body, soul breaking. ‘I always… thought about you… but after…’

She had to stop to take few, still too shallow breaths. Air was condensed she could cut it with a knife.

‘I need you to touch me… to feel anything’ she confessed. ‘Without you… I –‘

Kylo was staring at her, wide-eyed, lips-pursed, trembling, waiting –

‘Make me stay’ she muttered. ‘Make me… yours.’

Kylo took a deep breath. His eye twitched as he looked at her.

‘Is that… a permission?’ he asked.

‘Not a permission, rather….’ she fell silent.

They both were pulsating with repressed anticipation.

‘Do… whatever you want’ she whispered. ‘And don’t… be gentle.’

One breath.

He took one step in her direction.

‘Are you sure?’ he asked.

What a reversal of roles, she thought.

A week ago she was the one to ask that.

‘I am’ she whispered.

It was the moment his face changed; her words now carved his features with resolution and transformed them: the sternness of his look, the murkiness of the iridescent speculum of his gaze, even the manner he carried himself.

Where was question, now was certainty.

He looked her up and down, taking his time. She could sense his eyes on her skin. She felt naked. No clothes could hide her from him.

He came closer to her, slowly.

Rey gulped.

‘Do you have anything under that robe?’

Even his voice sounded different. Stronger and confident.

‘N-no.’

She met his eyes.

‘I’m gonna… untie it’ he muttered, barely moving his lips. ‘And I’ll touch you.’

Rey stared at him.

‘Then I’ll take you upstairs’ he added. ‘And I’ll make love to you.’

His fingers put some strands of her damp her behind her ear. He didn’t smile. He had a plan and Rey knew he would execute it perfectly. And she knew why he’s telling her what he would do; he reassured her, the way she tried to calm him a week ago.

He still was gentle with her, even when he said he doesn’t want to be.

But he was repressing it, she felt it; and yet he didn’t want to scare her away.

How could she not love him?

He was still giving her a choice. And time to object.

Their eyes met.

He waited.

‘Yes’ she said. ‘Do it.’

He leant in and kissed her forehead; his lips were so soft against her skin.

She glanced down as his hand wandered on her, closed grip still on the belt, maneuvering it from her hold.

The parted velveteen of the robe grazed her legs.

Rey stiffened when the coldness of the air brushed her skin. Kylo stared down; the flush broke into bloom over his cheeks as something moved in his jaw.

Then, he looked at her.

The hunger in his eyes was apodictic.

Rey’s heart had to shatter into pieces.

Not taking his gaze off her, his hand went lower, to her hips, inner thighs, when the other grabbed her by the waist.

His hands were so warm, so hot and yet – she shivered.

‘You’re so gorgeous, all flushed in pink’ he said to her ear, his lip kissing her earlobe with a whisper.

‘I want to kiss every part of your body until you will be senseless.’

[she was senseless already.]

Rey looked at him, her eyes falling on his lips. She needed him to kiss her.

(To hold her, to claim her as she would claim him.)

‘Then… what are you waiting for?’ she breathed.

‘You won’t run away from me anymore’ Ben whispered. ‘You won’t.’

And he did kiss her.

He kissed her slowly, tentatively at first, but the kiss deepened, their tongues met, his intention became evident. And Rey was melting already. He caressed her hips, their thighs brushed against each other and she wanted to take him deep, deeper inside herself, enclose him in her body and never let him go.

[so easy, she thought, just a caress

then why when she did that

it didn’t feel the same?]

She got so lost in the pleasure, the sweetness, the moment his finger slid to her centre took her aback.

She soundlessly screamed, feeling just _him_.

They locked their eyes onto each other; she could see some wicked sparkle in his eye; his thumb caressed, teased her. He moved slowly in her, so slow, too slow she had to whimper and it was still not deep enough –

But he was going deeper and deeper and she, she –

‘Ben’ she whispered. ‘K-Kylo –‘

Another sweet, oh so intoxicatingly sweet kiss. A pure state of delirium, not a kiss.

‘Rey’ he whispered over his lips. ‘ _Rey –_ ‘

She moaned into his mouth a plea when he went deeper -

(ebbs and flows of the amaranth, cyclamen sea of pinks)

\- her flesh knew him and welcomed him with ease, acknowledgment and yearning, deeper and deeper into Thulite cave of her body.

He kissed her neck, she held onto him ramming her fingers onto his back, rolling his flannel shirt and t-shirt in her hands, to just feel his skin.

His knee made her leg to part wider: she whined when two, not one, fingers entered her.

She shut her eyes tight, flooded by the sensation. Rey arched her back against his touch, her hands going lower and lower on his hips, to his thigh. She heard his groan when her fingers met a hump pushing against his jeans. The flannel of his shirt brushed against her chest and stomach, the jeans grazed delicate skin of her legs in contrast with truculent sinew of his corporeality.

Their worlds were crashing again, the line between _his_ and _hers_ was blurring.

‘ _Be with me_ ’ he whispered. ‘Be.’

He was smiling against her lips.

What a bastard, Rey thought and immediately felt him twist his fingers inside her.

She almost cried, putting her head onto his shoulder. One moan, second moan, a desperate _oh-oh_ escaped her lips.

She was so close, so close and yet –

Kylo backed his fingers suddenly, leaving her empty and unsated.

Rey balled her fist and hit his shoulder gently, almost crying and laughed.

‘I knew you would end torturing me’ she whispered.

‘And is there a difference between the act of love and torture?’ he asked with a sly smile.

He caressed her gently as she throbbed against shim; she closed her eyes.

‘You kinda deserve it’ he whispered to her ear. ‘I’ll make you regret for leaving me the way you did.’

She looked at him, breathing heavily. His eyes shone with some joy; she realised he had to enjoy it greatly.

‘So…’ he started. ‘Are you ready for more, Miss Király?’

She rolled her eyes.

‘You bloody twat – _OH_!’

Without a warning, Ben swept her from her feet and pitched her over his shoulder, which resulted in her robe getting thrown over her head,

‘Bloody fuckin’ hell!’ she yelled, trying to get the material from her head to see something. He turned around and she clung to him. ‘God, are you –‘

She eeked when he slapped her butt.

The shock made her speechless, his laugh echoed in her mind. He carried her up the stairs, she saw the known and familiar walls of the hall, the doors to her room and them –

She hit the bed with a loud thump.

[There was a star map on the ceiling.

She was in Ben’s old bedroom.]

She touched her chest, feeling her heart and tried to think. She really was –

‘Look at me.’

Hearing his voice made her gasp. She didn’t move, shutting her eyes tight.

[never let yourself to be caught.

do not look in the wolf's eyes]

(the wolf will eat you.)

‘Don’t worsen your situation, Rey’ she heard.

She really didn’t recognise his voice anymore; it was a raspy growl, hoarse and dark.

‘Look. At. _Me_.’

The bedding was cold under her touch, she nailed her fingers into it.

Rey took a deep breath and slowly sat up.

Kylo’s eyes already waited for her.

He slowly started to unbutton his shirt, button by button, not taking his eyes off her.

Red-black shirt was thrown on the floor. Rey followed it with her eyes.

‘Don’t you fuckin’ dare –‘ he hissed. ‘To look away.’

She didn’t breathe, she lowered her eyes, crossed her legs; her cheeks were scarlet as the dying sun.

‘Rey’ Ben drawled warningly.

She gathered all of her remaining courage and met his gaze.

The simple movement, how many times Rey saw boys at the track taking off their sweated shirts? She would see their half-naked, growing bodies, glancing with sweat. Bodies were just bodies, a mass of muscles and bones. After all, she had seen it so many times and looked away.

But Kylo, Ben – he was different.

And definitely, undoubtedly he wasn’t a boy. She knew that already, but seeing him again reminded her of that almost painfully.

Her eyes wander, for a moment, on his chest, the angry line of the scar slashing his shoulder, lower and lower, to the line of low-waisted jeans on his hips. Wide, slender frame - Rey knew how his skin would feel under her touch and could sense his burning excitement, radiating from his body, but mostly, she could sense his hunger – as whether he were a freed beast.

He was a juggernaut; enormous and unstoppable.

She felt the most atavistic impulsion of all; to bite into his flesh and draw blood, suck into it and leave dark signs proclaiming he already belonged to her.

But they watched, observed each other like preying wolves.

And she knew he feels it too.

‘Spread your legs’ he said.

She blinked.

‘Pardon?’

‘You heard me perfectly well, Rey.’

Those words reverberated inside her, sending a clear message. He took one step, second in her direction. She gulped, not actually sure what she feels.

His eyes were the true definition of hypnosis.

He stopped by the bed and she closed her eyes, feeling his proximity.

Ben’s hand brushed her chin and she looked up to him.

‘Don’t worry, darling’ he said. ‘I won’t hurt you.’

He slowly knelt in front of her with his hands on her knees.

She stared at his disheveled hair, his eyes, that obscenely plump lips.

Even kneeling, they were on the same eye-level.

‘Do you want me to kiss you until you’ll spread your legs for me?’ he whispered to her.

Rey glanced down.

His thumbs caressed the line where her legs met.

She embraced him by the neck when they touched foreheads. They both breathed heavily.

‘Y-yeah’ she whispered. ‘Yes.’

‘Say please.’

His eyes met hers, their noses brushed. She weaved her fingers in his hair at the nape of his neck.

‘…please’ she breathed.

He had to smile, she knew that.

He crashed her with his weight, making her lay down as he kissed her, as she kissed him. Her fingers got lost in the mane of his locks, rammed down into his spine leaving long bloody marks. He somehow still wasn’t between her legs, just nearby, over her; nevertheless, his hand held them tight, squeezing them to his leg, so she couldn’t part them even if she wanted to.

[she was throbbing so hard it hurt her]

He went lower, kissing her already over-kissed, oversensitive neck, her collarbones, but her breathing quickened as his lips – how God could give him those lips? - went even lower, to her chest. His breath was hot and teased her skin, made her nipples go achingly hard; and he continued his way down, leaving almost-quasi-kisses down her stomach…

She looked down.

Of course, he watched her.

His gaze was an obsidian welkin of impossibilities.

He parted her legs slowly, in an almost triumphant manner, with a smug look in his eye.

Rey held her breath.

His head disappeared between her legs.

The first touch of his lips made her jolt and hold onto the edge of the bed with a quiet, surprised whine. The second made her curl her toes.

Kylo placed delicate kisses on both sides of her inner thighs, marking his way closer and closer to the centre, quickening the already racing pulse of Rey’s heart.

Part of her knew what he was going to do, but another hardly believed.

He wouldn’t do it, would he?

But he spread her legs wider and for a moment, she caught his eye.

Not even a second later his lips kissed her there.

She opened her mouth wide, breathless; she never ever, in her wildest dreams, thought about Ben doing _that_ ; and definitely nothing ever prepared her for this.

Hot breath on her wetness, his lips, opened and greedy; his hair titillated the interior of her legs when he slowly was placing kiss after another on the most sensitive part of her flesh. She weaved her hand into his dark locks when his hand wandered slowly to her centre: she felt him spreading the entrance with his fingers and then –

He was kissing her there, no, he was devouring her.

(She realised that Red Riding Hood wasn’t eaten by the wolf in the way adults claimed she was.)

Stars above her started spinning. Singing. And she felt she’s becoming one of them, ascending onto the firmament of ungodly pleasure.

She arched her back, pressed his head harder and her scream reverberated in the room.

Kylo hold her legs wide apart. He kissed her the way he would kiss her lips: long, deep and deeper, impassionedly, hungrily, insatiably, but with an analyticity of logic precision. Whether she moved against him, pressed his head harder, moaned, he would tease her to the moment she was close, but still –

He was right.

There was no difference between act of love and torture.

Her eyes had to roll back into her skull, she was pushing herself into his mouth, demanding more. She felt his nose, his smile, the way his fingers wrinkled from her wetness. His body was like a strained string; firm, hard. Feeling his fingers was already overwhelming, but the touch of his lips, tongue was voluptuous:

she was at the edge of sanity.

There was a constellation above her:

Lupus.

_t h e w o l f_

[fear and run away from the wolf;

for, worst of all,

the wolf may be more than he seems.]

(the wolf will eat you.)

(the wolf will eat you _alive._ )

Rey stopped controlling the sounds she made. There was a difference in Kylo as well. His kisses grew in anger, the lubricity. Maybe something different started controlling them, they both knew they did posses a darker nature and now gave into it.

If they first time was almost innocent and celebratory, this was primal and about appeasing their hunger.

If their hunger could be ever appeased.

( _Rey’s vision became a blur as she stared at the star map above her; the tracks, the stars, the star tracks; she was away, because her reality became just a hyperreality; her only proof of existence was his lips on her skin, his fingers and God, God –_

A piteous whimper pealed when Kylo broke away from her. Rey looked down, brushing hair from her candent face.

They stare at each other, panting, in utter shock, utter trance.

His fingers, thumb brushed her legs, clenched on them.

Kylo glared at her, nostrils flared.

Not taking his eyes of her, he once again lowered himself and marked a long line on her throbbing flesh with his tongue.

And then, he sucked onto her.

Rey shut her eyes, swearword escaped her lips before it melted into incoherent mumble of moans.

Where, when did he learn that?

She was exhausted, she was destroyed, devastated when he stood up. She closed her eyes, feeling the material of the bedding on her cheek.

His gentle fingers made her turn her head to him.

Ben’s eyes shone with iridescent glow, lips were scarlet and plump it felt impossible. Rey really was breathless.

‘Can you sit?’ he asked, voice so hoarse every words seemed to break.

‘I can’ she replied; her voice weak and breaking.

He slowly kissed her temples, her cheek as she closed her eyes. When their lips met, she could feel herself; a salty aftertaste soaked onto his lips and it almost felt sacrilegious. She cupped his face when his hands wandered under her body. He sat at the edge of the bed, making her sit on her leg, but not facing him.

Rey was never aware of difference between their bodies as she was now. She knew she’s quite tall for a woman, however in comparison to Ben, she was petite. He could held her in his arms and did she actually ever pay attention how muscular they were?

[what big arms you have, she thought looking at him as he looked at her

what big lips you have]

He had to notice her gaze for his hand tightened on her waist; Rey had no idea how her robe was still on her, but it still held onto her on her forearms, exposing her shoulders, falling to the ground in the cascade of velveteen turquoise.

He proceeded to kiss her shoulder, biting her skin. Pain was part of pleasure – she knew that. But still, she felt she was going crazy. She could feel through the material of his jeans his hardness, and yet –

Her hands went lower to his zipper, when he shook his head.

‘Not yet’ he said. ‘Later.’

Rey stared at him.

‘So…’

A smile widened his lips; her heart missed a beat.

‘If you’re so desperate… you can always use… my leg.’

Rey gasped. Did he mean…?

Kylo watched her, almost-smile curling his lips. In that moment, she wanted to actually bite his lips and push him onto the bed.

‘Don’t try it’ he said, looking at her. ‘I can see what’s you’re thinking.’

She rolled her eyes.

‘So what would you do?’ she asked.

His thumb brushed her shoulder.

‘It’s better to not say them out loud’ he muttered, his eyes falling on her chest. ‘You’re a lady… after all.’

She laughed.

‘You can’t be serious.’

‘I told you I’m mad at you.’

The change of his tone made her gulp.

She took a deep breath.

‘You’re such…’

‘Don’t deny it, Rey’ he said. ‘You enjoy it.’

[she did.]

They stared at each other; Rey pursed her lips.

‘You think you will win it?’ she whispered.

He rested his chin on her shoulder.

‘I’m winning already, love.’

‘You’re so… cocky’ she lowered her voice.

‘I, indeed, am’ he said. ‘And you enjoy it.’

She bit her lip.

‘Then… you will get what you want’ she breathed, leaning to him. ‘…sir.’

She waited for his reaction and she got one; Kylo raised an eyebrow.

‘Nice try’ he backed away.

Rey felt his hand hoicking her up to stand.

‘Now get to work’ he patted his thigh.

Rey lowered her eyes. No, she wasn’t mistaken.

She raised her chin high and looked at him.

She took off the robe throwing it on the floor.

Kylo glared at her.

She replied with a gentle rising of her eyebrow.

‘Are you sure you’re winning?’ she asked.

And she sat on high firm thigh.

They both gasped; Rey from the sensation – a memory, Kylo closed his eyes for a second. They both played a game they didn’t fully understand, but they couldn’t stop.

And none of them wanted to lose.

After all, they were racing drivers.

They were addicted to winning.

‘You’re not so… shy… afraid… now’ she breathed.

She moved slightly on him, exploratively.

‘I thought… you’re different’ she whispered.

He rammed his nails onto her back as she rocked onto him.

‘But you’re… not so inexperienced as I… thought.’

Kylo groaned. He truculently grabbed her hips, making her stop.

‘I want _more_ ’ he growled. ‘I - want - _more_ –‘

She let out a surprised cry when the fast, strong shove over his thigh followed his every word.

‘More –‘

He pressed his head to her chest, he had to be as desperate as she was.

‘ – _more_.’

It wasn’t a voice, he was snarling, gnarring. Rey sat, mouth agape, when his hands loosened their grip. Her heart had to break apart, she was so close to ending and felt him, under her, pulsating with the same need. She tried to take a deep breath, unsuccessfully.

‘All of you’ she heard his whisper. ‘I want… all, Rey.’

Ben looked at her. There was plea, there was lust, love, all mixed in his gaze.

Rey didn’t even blink, hypnotised.

‘And now…you will give it to me’ he muttered.

[she would.

they both knew that.]

‘Lay down’ he hissed through clenched teeth. ‘On the stomach.’

He stood up. Rey watched him, in dense, heavy anticipation, unzipping his pants.

The jeans fell to the floor. He proceeded to take off his socks as well and then froze.

He straightened up.

‘And… one thing… darling’ he said.

He gestured up with two fingers.

‘Ass up.’

She blinked several times. He was breathing hard; her gaze wandered down, at his hands at the edge of his boxers.

‘What did I say?’ he asked. He barely controlled himself, every word was drawled in inhumane manner.

She closed her eyes when he took off his underwear.

‘Do not… test my patience, Rey.’

She heard his steps and finally, the mattress of the bed gave way under his weight.

‘Down.’

She couldn’t look at him, but she listened. Her heart was beating hollowly against the mattress. She whined when he lingeringly touched her spine.

Her mind, thoughts, she was going _crazy_ -

‘Don’t move.’

His hands were so calloused when his fingers delicately enclosed on her hips just to dig deeply in her skin making her moan.

‘B-Ben’ she whispered, desperate.

He didn’t reply.

Instead, Rey felt his mouth.

He marked the line of her spine with contradictory wet-fervid kisses; she shivered every time his lips, nose, hair made contact with her skin. She pressed her face to the pillow, painfully aware of his presence, body looming over her – when he was going lower and lower, marking her, scarring forever her soul with those feral confessions of desire devouring them both.

Somehow she knew he would end pressing kisses to her bottom; she nailed her fingers into the bed, trying to find some balance, but he held her tight and there was no escape from the honeyed torture of this caresses.

‘You know how many times I wanted you here?’ she felt his whisper on her skin. ‘Here. With me. Like this.’

Two hands got her hips up and she held her breath.

‘I wanted you… for so long’ he said. ‘And when… when you left – ‘

She growled, clenched her hands into fists; her leg had to move up, but he held it steady.

‘You said I was perfect’ Kylo said. ‘But I will show you passion, not perfection.’

And when she thought it couldn’t get any worse, there was a shift: his hand ended falling with loud thump next to hers , second found her hand. His fingers sank into hers, his hand as warm and his body crashed hers. She could feel him, behind her, the questionless moisture trickling down her thighs, his legs, hardness nudging hers, his chest on her back when they rocked onto each other. Rey could tell he also hardly controlled himself; his lips, parted, were just away from her cheek. Her heart beat so fast she felt delirious and every breath, heartbeat only made other pulsation, that pulsating, desire demanding him, worse.

‘Please’ she whispered.

She weakly turned her head, brushing her cheek to his jaw. Kylo’s locked fingers with hers, she arched her back. She needed him there, she was aching with need for him.

‘Take me’ she was begging him.

They both knew they were too close to insanity to continue their game.

‘You can.’

She moved her hips against him; Ben clenched his fingers and answered with a thrust.

Rey closed eyes.

‘Turn… turn around.’

He backed away for a bit; but she was still in his space, in his heat. She rolled over on her back.

He leant in.

The shadow of his lips, breath, brushed her cheek and cheekbone; the heat, the heat was unbearable. The wetness between her legs was pouring over the edges of her flesh and she felt him, so close, yet so far away.

His fingers wandered and clenched on her wrist.

Ben moved away, looking at her and she was breathless.

And she knew.

She dreamt of it, she was there, long time ago, in a nightmare, in a dream –

[the forest, her running away, red cloak flying in the wind –

he would always find her.]

‘Look at me.’

They stared at each other in stunned silence; there was no color in his irises, only black.

And hunger.

All-consuming, limitless hunger.

Her fingers went down, she spread herself wider to welcome him. Her face was burning, she was burning.

Their lips met in a desperate, hungry kiss when he entered her.

It was simple. It was starting and ending here.

Always.

The clamorous, non-stopping slapping crash of their naked skins was creating the savage prothalamion. Rey knew that they were just a beam in the darkness of evolution and they weren’t the first and last to recreate this act; but wasn’t it the true nature of Primal fall? Eve and Adam discovering the taste of each other flesh?

The force with which he was thrusting into her, thrust after thrust, deeper and deeper, claiming her, leading her to the point of collapse, and she was answering, taking him in, to the void of herself. It was the endless cycle of annihilation-creation they didn’t want to, couldn’t stop.

Why it was the most logic thing now, in this senseless state, beyond matter and time, they found themselves in?

His body against her, their bodies crashing again and again, their lips meeting in breathless kisses. She had no idea how fathomless she really was, until he made her realise that. And like the waves always found the shore, she would always find him.

[It was simple. It was ending and staring here.

Always.]

It was so different than their first time, so, so different, yet the same; they both discovered themselves anew, they were finally admitting parts of their psyche they always denied. The past, the now, the future – this moment had no linearity of time, but the circularity of ethereality only lovers could know.

And they both seemed to know it – that even in the delirious act of love they were professing - they were entering the sacred space beyond their comprehension.

They had it, inside them.

Corpo[reality].

Sur[reality].

Hyper[reality].

Ethe[reality].

They were creating something only _theirs_.

[Annihilation was the creation while it lasted.

And they were a pair of demiurges trapped in mortal bodies.]

And there was stars above her, the skies of the stars.

Ben’s hand on her neck, her cheek, lips next to hers; her hands on his chest. His eyes shone with tears, with need – and she knew she’s giving in, giving in to _him_.

The very end, beginning, the reason of their whole being – was closer and closer.

[but they would come back, she knew that

It would never be enough]

They had to whisper something she didn’t fully understand, but maybe something inside her did. She wanted him, she wanted him deeper and deeper, harder and harder and she called to him as he called to her.

She grabbed his arms, she moved with him. The hymn of their bodies became more and more desperate; they both still wanted more and more, even if their climax was fatal. They were doomed to repeat that cycle of never-ending unfulfilment only momentarily stated with fleck of lost paradise.

(‘Be with me’ he whispered. ‘Be –‘)

All of their lives they only knew speed.

Now they found the common pace.

(‘Yes’ she breathed. ‘Yes.’)

[She knew she didn’t say that in the heat of the moment. She finally comprehend, in this moment beyond comprehension, she never truly accepted herself.]

[She needed him to disclose her desires as he needed her to disclose his.]

[They both needed each other.]

_One:_

(he thrust deeply into her, so deeply she cried out; she could see the frown, the purse of his lips when he backed and –

_Two:_

(she arched her back, feeling tears falling down her face and looked at him.)

It was the last of the moments of their dance; they stared at each other, lost in each other spaces, in each other eyes, but mostly –

Lost in the act of creation.

There was no insecurity, shame in their eyes.

Just certainty.

And she knew what would happen now.

_Three –_

Rey let out a scream.

[It was simple. It was here.

 _Now_.]

She cried out again and again, feeling the collapse of her very being, her flesh, her subsistence. Her skin had to bloom in iridescent Lichtenberg figures every time she came; she rammed her fingers into Ben’s chest, clenched her legs over his waist to hold him inside as she was collapsing over and over again.

Kylo stiffened in her with a pleading groan on her lips and she felt the moment of his release; his body tensed over her and she closed her eyes.

He fell on her, pressed his body into hers and she realised they both were trembling.

None of them seemed to actually fully comprehend what just happened.

They both laid in silence, breathing heavily. Their hearts raced the race against time and reality, but now –

They breathed at the same pace.

Together.

Rey touched gently his hair; Kylo took a deep breath.

They didn’t need to understand, she thought.

They could just give in.

The paper sky over her was bright with constellations of stars.

But Vega – _Rey’s star_ – was shining the brightest.

* * *

Okey-dokey, I partly think it’s better I won’t meet any of you tête-à-tête (but I highly doubt anyone would want this, I’m a definition of antisocial gremlin), because probably neither me or you could look each other in the face.

Firstly, I hope this chapter didn’t make any of you uncomfortable. I know it’s not probably as graphic as other smuts out there, but still I felt maybe I should have left a warning. I’m pretty sure that this work is labeled as “explicit”, but still. By now, you know me pretty well – I try to make everything classy and elegant, but yeah, still.

I would love to remove myself from this notes and pretend this chapter doesn’t exist and continue the story as it is, but well, as a writer I feel I owe you some explanation of my reylo interpretation I’ve been creating since the beginning of the story.

So, I know “Driven” is light-years away from the whole sequel trilogy, but I always tried to leave that blueprint. Long story short: in ST, especially in "The Last Jedi", Rey is coded as Red Riding Hood and Kylo as The Wolf (but even in The Force Awakens this trope is visible).

As a writer I consider sexuality the fundamental part of human psychology (btw, fuck you Freud). From the beginning of “Driven” Kylo is shown in Rey’s dreams/associations as the wolf (Chapter 4, The Wolf), that sexuality she tries to deny. Do you wonder why she always runs, she wants to get back to “Jakku?”. Part of her actually wants to stay in the past, to be a child in that state of safety, but part of her knows it’s impossible and also she has that undisclosed desires she can no longer ignore. And I also consider, same as Kylo’s, Rey’s sexuality connects in her mind with something that she can be punished for (because Kylo is kinda, kindish her adopted half-brother???). And let’s be honest – how many young women have hard time to admit their sexual desires? Our society is known for shutting them down to only appease male ones and shame girls for them (and you think why Luke was so scared seeing Rey looking straight into the “Dark” in TLJ? And her getting wet? Raw, untamed power sounds very much erotic.)

Rian, you bloody genius.

But okay, about Rey and Ben, after all, the feelings they had for each other years ago – it was love, but still it started to have slight sexual overtones (hormones, hormones!) were the reason both of them got punished in one way or another. And how it ends? Rey shuts, denies her past, her feelings, desire for Kylo and Kylo does the same, but he’s more angry about it and also ashamed that he was so gullible (That’s why Rey appears in Kylo’s dream as seducing vampiress (Chapter 11, Dark Night of the Soul), who “transforms” him into Kylo Ren. Also, note the way Dark Rey looked in TROS - the teeth, the whole look, very very... _vampiric._ )

[check notes for the rest of this note trololo]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, y’all, I really thought that much about it. And no, I don’t have a life.
> 
> At the bottom, “Driven” is a story about Rey and Ben maturing, overcoming the past by facing that Jungian shadow of their personality, so by so, their sexuality; it’s a story about becoming the people who they felt they are, but denied to be.
> 
> (Just to make something clear: you got here a girl who knows a bit too much about feminine writing, sexuality and by so, a pornography as well. I just won’t ever read any fairytale again, because all I see is sexual subtext.)
> 
> I won’t elaborate much, but you can look up on internet for metas, but believe me, The Last Jedi is just a fucking horny movie about sexual awakening of a woman. Whole trilogy is, in one way or another (although TROS shames Rey and makes her a perfect Saint Mary-Artemis virgin archetype in the end, dressed all in white and well, getting Ben killed).
> 
> Therefore, these two sexual encounters of Rey and Ben were written to bear the resemblance to the hand touch scene and then, the throne fight. So I knew they would happen one after another, but have a different, mirrorying nature (one moment Rey being more dominant, here Kylo being more dominant, first time being more “sweet”, here more... wild [god help me I feel so stupid]). Of course I couldn’t not use the red in the first scene,(because its loss of virginity for both of them etc), but that time was more about the spirituality, acknowledging each other. I felt they still held themselves back, they had great time, but did they know they love each other then? No. That’s why I knew that I need to follow this with this more, well, wild, “mirroring” smut and by so – them confronting that aspect of Jungian shadow self. They don’t have to be ashamed anymore, they know they both love and desire each other and can let it control it.
> 
> I also decided to incorporate the idea of “sacrum and profanum” – sacred and profane space from Bible, sacred-profane dichotomy posited by Durkheim - and show Rey’s, Ben’s lovemaking as the rite of passage between their old teenage, childish selves into the adulthood. I always feel that smuts, well it’s lovemaking anyway, but I just want it to have that depth, you get it? I wanted them both to be equals and both of them to achieve kind of transcendental feeling of true love and truth about each other. After all, I want them to have that part of orginal Rey and Kylo – to be a true dyad in the force.
> 
> [I’m not drunk y’all]
> 
> And If you wonder why there’s a sudden shift in Kylo/Ben’s behaviour I told you that guy knows what to do and first times are hard. And I think I showed that he’s not truly shy-shy, he’s prone to anger, he knows the deal. Plus, here we have him pretty mad. And he made up his mind. Ben knows what he wants and what, who he wants is Rey. I told he’s not easily controlled by certain feelings but here I know, we both know that he has that tendencies (he’s horny). Like Rey does (she’s also horny). So I tried to portray that. But still I tried to be, of course, poetic, classy and elegant (and show how horny they are) and I hoped to show them both lost in very passionate act of love (very horny act of love).
> 
> And if you listened and read the lyrics of "Venus as a Boy", then you know. I always tried to portray this Kylo as having sort of feminine sensuality (because as a classic male infj he is a perfect/imperfect (im)balance of both female/male characteristic) and this song was a great inspiration of mine. 
> 
> Any comment/feedback regarding this scene would be highly appreciated, because I don’t know if I did a good job and if you enjoyed it. I mean, I wanted to show something greater than just the passion, passion and love and ah, yeah *coughs* (so eloquent of me).
> 
> So, thank you, my dear reader for reading those words. I hope I didn’t bore you to death. That’s my explanation. I know it’s just a fanfic, but for me it’s like a book and they are real. So I just wanted you to know that. And also I just maybe wanna flex some of my brain muscles here, because I’m pretty proud of their relationship I created here.
> 
> As a writer I have some own personal writer goals and I think it can be the best piece of erotic (????) prose I’ve ever written. But well, who I am to judge.
> 
> So ladies and gentlemen (I hope if there’s any men reading that they aren’t uncomfortable sorry! But use this fanfic to know what women really want from their partners lol) I really hope you enjoyed it. There’s no F1-lingo, because yeah, it was a shameless, yet very important to the plot, smut. I thought we all would need it. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed (did I? Well maybe) writing it.
> 
> Take care, once again I apologise for scaring you all. No, I will be writing “Driven”, we will finish this story! Take care of yourself.
> 
> Please, be responsible,wear mask and please, remember to disinfect hands.
> 
> See ya next chapter!


	21. Chapter 20: Terra nebulosa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my dear readers – ladies, gentlemen, non-binary folks and just in general everyone – it’s been crazy 2 weeks and what can I say? Corona sucks, online university sucks, I’m pretty sure I am losing my mind and well in general asdfghjkl
> 
> I know that I was supposed to update on Friday, but really I didn't want to wait and well, I'm sorry, but just we live in crazy times and please understand. And I also think you would prefer get update on Saturday than wait till next Friday. But thanks to that I also managed to finish doing something, so you will see it at the end, lol. I hope you will like it. 
> 
> So, I am *that* close to killing one of my Spanish teachers. And in span of one week I read around 10 research papers about fairytales of Angela Carter, metaphors in language, a discourse about Trump (ughhh), I had to start learning about Spanish reported speech and if you see something weird (cough Kristeva) is because author (me) really starts to lose their mind. And it seems that due to the worsening corona situation I will have to stay at my lodgings where I live with 85-year old lady (and we get along too well, should I be worried?) and a fucking devil of a parrot. In addition this shithole (Poland) also restricted the abortion laws that yeah, I hate it. But if you can read something, sign some petition, please, help us.
> 
> Okay, sorry for this weird intro, but really, really I am so fucking done lately that I simply can’t. I work my ass off every day with homework and online classes to have at least some time to write “Driven”, but God, it gets worse and worse. If this story helps anyone with the current situation, please know, that this story helps me too. For me, it’s not just a story – when I write, I pour myself onto the pages. I break myself apart, I become the characters I write. And God, I’m honest: it’s a love letter for my beautiful girlfriend and love of my life.
> 
> Yes, I know I keep repeating how much I love her, but you know, I LOVE THIS WOMAN AND I WON’T SHUT UP
> 
> But in general, it’s also my attempt to just do Reylo justice. They both deserve it.
> 
> So, yeah, I wanna thank my gf (I love you! ) and my beta reader for checking this chapter. I can only hope you, my dear readers, will enjoy it!
> 
> I’m also providing you a link to a [new video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pht_N0nJSNQ&feature=youtu.be) new video my gf made and well… she says she’s not an artist when she is. 
> 
> You can also check [ our blog ](https://drivenbyreylo.tumblr.com/) for some Reylo love and Sneak Peek Wednesdays! 
> 
> I’m also posting the songs I’ve listened while working on this chapter:  
> 1\. Daughter – [ Get Lucky ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrtX45omdpM)  
> 2\. Transviolet – [ Bloodstream ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V0QG4PyXAXg)  
> 3\. Fleetwood Mac – Everywhere  
> 4\. Amy Macdonald – Crazy Shade of Blue  
> 5\. Bjork – Venus as a Boy
> 
> I really hope you will enjoy this chapter! 
> 
> Haha.
> 
> Guys I wanna write Star Wars book one day. 
> 
> Okay, be my guest! 
> 
> *chef’s kiss*

> ‘Love is a perpetual journey that does not go through space, an endless oscillating motion that remains unmoved. Love creates for itself a tension that disrupts every tense in time. Love has certain elements in common with eternal regression, since this exchange of reflections can neither be exhausted nor destroyed, but it is not a regression. It is a direct durationless, locationless progression towards an ultimate state of ecstatic annihilation.’
> 
> ― Angela Carter, _The Infernal Desire Machines of Doctor Hoffman_

Being in love, the love that was reciprocated, was a completely different, new, if not psychedelic, state of mind. Kylo had been in love all his life, but now, being able to show his feelings to Rey, changed everything.

It did change him completely. It changed the whole world around him.

It wasn’t that world suddenly got brighter, more colorful or he felt the butterflies in his stomach whenever he saw Rey. He had many butterflies when anxiety was kicking in and what’s more, this butterflies were probably vomiting inside his stomach. Actually, somehow being in love (sometimes) felt similar to having anxiety.

But it wasn’t the case that the world changed. No.

Maybe it was the way he perceived the world.

He got calmer.

Finally, in many, many years, he felt calm.

And the calmest when he had Rey in his arms.

For years he felt he has no future, he felt hopeless; now – he felt there is future, he was hopeful, he desperately wanted one.

It wasn’t a matter of survival anymore.

He was alive.

(He never felt so alive.)

It was quite hard to fit together on his old bed, he realized. Of course, one of his feet overhung from the frame like it did in the past and they were forced to squeeze into each other bodies, but would he complain about it?

‘That bed is too small for two of us’ Rey pointed out the obvious.

He could tell she was teasing him, for the way the corner of her lips curled up in a half smile.

‘I think when one of us is over the other… there’s enough space’ he muttered over her temple to her ear.

Rey looked at him, eyes squinted, mouth agape. When she got what he meant, he got a little nudge from her.

‘You’re bloody kinky’ she seemed up in arms and she was in his arms. ‘And repressed!’

Well, she had a point.

‘And you aren’t?’ he pressed her closer to him and raised an eyebrow. ‘You’re no saint, sweetheart.’

That earned him another little nudge: her laugh was the most beautiful thing he ever heard. It was sliver; the most silver laugh, silvery, making his smile even wider (if it was possible).

They both laughed to the point his cheeks hurt from it and he had tears in his eyes.

(A dream.)

[Being in love, the love that was reciprocated, was a completely different, new, if not psychedelic, state of mind. And he was getting addicted to giving out love he repressed for years.]

At some point the laugh faded.

They looked at each other with bright eyes.

How could Kylo describe the way he felt now?

[Peace.

He felt so peaceful.]

He brushed the already dry hair from Rey face. He wanted to bury his face into her hair and feel her heart beating under his palm.

She was with him, in his arms. After all those years, years of sleepless nights, dreams of feeling her heartbeat next to his – came true.

All he needed was her.

Rey stared at him and he could see the blossom of color on her cheeks.

But he realized it wasn’t the blush of shame; he also felt the heat rising up his face, drying his lips.

Their breaths quickened as they stared at each other, naked skin on skin.

Suddenly they became aware of their intimacy, of their bodies –

and they called to each other.

[Being in love, the love that was reciprocated, was a complete different, new, if not psychedelic, state of mind. Kylo had been in love all his life, but now, when he could show her, tell Rey what he feels, it was changing _everything_. ]

He knew that he has to ask her.

No lies, no second guessing.

He cupped her face, already lost in hazel nebula of her eyes.

‘Rey –‘ he began.

However, his words were cut off by a phone.

‘Fuck’ Rey said.

Before he even did anything, she jumped out from the bed. She grabbed her robe as she ran out from the room.

Kylo sat on the bed, confused, heart pounding hollowly in his ears.

He looked around the room, the gray light of the cloudy day soaking into the space.

As a teen he would notoriously drew blinds off to make whole room dark. The sudden lack of Rey’s body made him shiver; and he already missed her, so he draped his old bedding over himself.

His eyes wandered over the walls with memories of his past life; Laguna Seca raceway map, Canadian GP 1996 poster, blueprints of Champ Carts, photographs of Skellig Michael alongside the posters of 1970s movie series Galaxy Wars, but who cared now about some guy waving a plasma sword?

His uncle put anther box since April in the corner; Kylo took a deep breath.

His eyes stopped at the Hot Wheels Ford Mustang car on his nightstand.

(He remembered perfectly how the sound of old wheels could scratch the silence.)

[‘Luke and Poe, they are hurt. They were scared and we misread the whole situation, Ben. We were so scared and when we were faced with the truth, we… couldn’t think… clear. We overreacted. And the truth was I was so scared – ‘

Kylo could her, the echoes of his mother’s voice here, in this space, like she was with him.

[My ambitions… destroyed not one, but two lives. I’ve broken two hearts.]

His mother knew. Kylo knew that.

She knew Rey and him loved each other.

But he also knew that nobody was blameless here.

They all shared part of the blame.

But past was the past. Kylo wanted to let it die. He wanted to _kill_ it.

But he knew perfectly it would come back to haunt him, somehow or other, unless he would face it.

It was the only way to be free.

[He should finally visit his father grave.

It was about time.]

‘Yeah, yeah, I understand –‘ Rey appeared again, opening the door.

Kylo looked up; their eyes locked.

‘No, don’t worry, there’s food, stay with uncle Lando –‘

Kylo frowned.

Uncle Lando?

Was Rey talking with Luke?

‘Yeah, and I understand. We’ll watch Top Gear later’ Kylo followed Rey with his eyes as she came to his desk and nodded. She stole another glance at him, but looked away quickly. ‘If uncle wants to show you those Arabians, don’t say no! I understand. Have fun.’

Rey covered her lips with her palm.

‘You… you’re telling me you’re too old to have fun?’ she asked. ‘You’re not _that_ old. Then… don’t have fun. Be sad and don’t talk to uncle and stay in… old man’s grumpiness.’

He couldn’t help it, but he laughed quietly. Rey eyed him.

‘So, yes, Chewie’s fine, you will be home tomorrow afternoon’ she said, smiling. ‘Thank you. And no, I won’t die of _starvation_. I love you, bye.’

Rey hung up.

Kylo leaned on the wall and crossed his arms. She sighed deeply and did the same.

‘Why are you… grinning like a Cheshire cat?’ she asked.

‘Oh, nothing’ Kylo replied.

Maybe it was just the fact he finally felt resolution; and also, the sight of Rey in this state of almost complete undress, knowing her feelings for him – how could he stop smiling?

Not by accident they were saying love is like a drug.

‘You think you’re so funny?’ Rey asked him.

‘Maybe sometimes’

She rolled her eyes and laughed quietly.

‘You’re as grumpy as Luke and you’re only, almost half his age.’

Kylo blinked.

‘Wh-what?’

Rey tilted her head.

‘Oh, come on, do you think I don’t know you?’ she said sweetly.

She came closer and sat on the bed, next to him.

‘You’re brooding, like, all the time.’

‘I’m not… am I?’ Kylo was confused.

Rey raised an eyebrow at him.

‘You’re a grump, Kylo. In five years you will say your lower back is killing you.’

He opened his mouth and then pursed it back.

Actually, his lower back was killing him already.

‘Even winning… doesn’t make you smile’ she lowered her voice.

Kylo took a deep breath, realizing what Rey was doing.

She was teasing him, damn that woman.

He stared at her in what probably looked like a pretty much braincells-gone awe, because wow, she somehow loved him and he wanted to kiss her and -

‘You make me smile’ he whispered.

Rey held her breath; the smile froze on her lips and looked down. He could tell her body tensed and his heart skipped a beat.

‘As you know… it was Luke’ she said. ‘He went out to get some business done with farmers at the stables and drove Chewbacca to the vet, but he met uncle Lando and –‘

‘He will come back tomorrow’s afternoon.’

‘Yes.’

Rey raised her face to him.

‘You know that we have to… talk about what… happened. In… Montreal, but… also today.’

And what exactly happened?

Kylo gazed at her, waiting; his heart knew, _something_ deep inside him knew what did happen between them.

_The inevitable._

They were drawn to each other by the forces bigger than the ones of this known universe. Kylo didn’t want to sound pathetic, but there was _something._ Always. A coincidence, a destiny, fate, and he knew, he knew that this woman, the girl sitting at the edge of his childhood, teenage bed where he spent too many sleepless, half-asleep nights being between dreams and reality, is irrevocably entwined with his destiny.

And he was with hers.

From all the people in the world, his uncle adopted Rey. And years later, Kylo comprehended this girl, woman is the love of his life.

He perfectly remembered those sleepless nights, now, in the light of the noon they had a stark contrast; he remembered the time when he felt so alien in his growing body, he felt like an intruder in his own mind. As he was thinking before their first time – he would never do anything against Rey’s will, but he remembered that shame connected with those thoughts.

That’s why his own uncle, Poe and mother seeing him as someone who could even… the thought they would even think he would ever…

It hurt.

How many times he had the same nightmare?

Poe, Luke, his father seeing him and Rey in that unequivocal situation. When it was only a misunderstanding. And he would again feel judged, banished, because why they would need him?

Dameron was the perfect son, he thought, when he would see him and his mother. She would kiss openly Poe’s cheek and he couldn’t help being jealous. That little voice in his mind would tell him if Poe would be the one to fall for Rey, his uncle and mother would be on cloud nine.

How many times he would dream of kissing Rey, touching her to only have his dream end with her laughing at him and him realizing she let him do it to humiliate him?

(you thought I would ever want you?

 _you’re a monster_.)

He repressed his feelings for her for so long, dressed them up, wrapped them in hate directed not towards Skywalkers or Rey – but mainly, towards himself. Kylo was sure he was unlovable, because he convinced himself he was never loved in return.

And Snokovich was always pointing that out.

But he was wrong.

Luke was wrong.

Poe was wrong.

His mother was wrong.

Kylo was wrong.

Rey was wrong.

Everyone was _wrong_ and _right_ at the same time.

He, Rey, Poe, Luke, his mother… they were all Skywalkers.

And Skywalkers tended to have problems with expressing their feelings.

It was the simplest and the hardest thing he came to comprehend: they all loved each other, he even loved Dameron, because yeah, he was his brother, even if he was a fucking ass. He missed uncle Luke.

He terribly missed his mother. And he knew that he left her when she needed him the most; he wasn’t there, he wasn’t there for her, Rey, when his father died. So, in one way or another, not only Skywalkers abandoned him, but he also abandoned them.

‘Today was…’ Kylo started and fell silent right away.

Rey took a deep breath.

‘I know it’s new for both of us’ she said. ‘But we can’t say… we didn’t see it coming.’

He wouldn’t ever say he considered himself as guy with high libido. He wouldn’t ever say he’s asexual, because he knew he wanted to make love with Rey, but for the past few years, years marked with isolation and denial, he knew that this kind of urges were at the bottom of his list. He was focused so hard on work he was doing for Mercedes FO, only this mattered.

Although, those thoughts and desire was somewhere, deep within him. When he would see, with rising panic, how Rey effloresces. A young woman like her – the talent she had, the intelligence, not to mention beauty – it was only a matter of time when she would have a multitude of admirers.

And if not Dameron, why would Rey even choose him? Maybe, maybe, she could have some sort of crush on him when they were younger, but to love him? In hindsight, Kylo knew that he wanted too much, he was too much of idealist and romantic, and definitely, certainly, he wasn’t ready.

Therefore, this whole situation – from the moment when they finally, Jesus Christ, finally kissed for the first time – made him feel he entered a new phase of his life. There was a space, feelings, desire he couldn’t ignore anymore and after Montreal…

Rey took a deep, shaky breath; the scarlet adorned her neck and cheeks and he wanted to drape it with kisses.

[She knew.

He knew it too.]

‘That night.. in Bahrain’ she whispered, her voice throaty. ‘When you pinned me down after I threw myself at you –‘

(He remembered her, under him, so wild, so atavistic and only knowing they can be watched stopped him from just giving in.)

‘- I wanted to kiss you’ he finished. ‘So… hard.’

They stared at each other.

[They knew.]

They became a part of another cycle, eternal recurrence; they both knew they wouldn’t come back to their old selves or deny who they really were and what they wanted.

They couldn’t run away anymore.

They would always come back and collide, like today. They needed each other and it would never be enough. There was some truth to what he had say to Rey, she started that all.

One kiss and they were lost.

Rey’s face became a matrix of clean lines: the golden stars in her hazel eyes, the golden freckles on her cheeks were connected in lines of constellations of abstract dyadic vectors, the furrowed line of her eyebrows, the shadows casted by her eyelashes. Lines, lines – and he knew all types of lines, from the ideal racing lines, to the lines of her body and the lines he always rehearsed to say to confess his love for her.

Rey took a deep breath.

‘I know what I have to do… but I don't know if I have the strength to do it’ she whispered.

Kylo pursed his lips.

‘You’re the strongest person I know’ he said.

Rey put a strand of hair behind her ear.

‘I don’t want to… lie to myself anymore’ Rey traced the bedding with her fingers, line after another.

‘I want it, Ben. I want it so much. I want to be – ‘

[ _Say it, please._

 _Say it out loud_.]

Rey looked at him, her eyes shining with lucidity of tears.

‘I want… so much to be with you’ she whispered.

[but…?]

[there always was some _but_.]

‘But…’

[ _of course._ ]

‘But by doing so…I’ll lie to others. And we know it didn’t… end well last time.’

She gulped, waiting. Her eyes were so big, so bright he felt he’s losing himself in their depth.

[The cycle repeated.

They were here, 8 years ago.]

They weren’t ready then.

He wasn’t.

She wasn’t.

It wasn’t the right time.

[Now it was.]

‘We will tell them’ he said. ‘We will.’

Rey looked at him surprised.

‘… really?’

Kylo shook his head.

‘I don’t know how you would feel with going public… because maybe we won’t ever…’

She nodded.

‘I know.’

‘It doesn’t matter.’

‘Of course, it does, Kylo’ she whispered. ‘I know you. I know myself. Lying… hiding who we are… it will consume us.’

Kylo pursed his lips.

‘Be honest’ she said. ‘Are you ready to… hide what you feel for the rest of your life? From the media… public?’

He was silent.

‘Because… I’m not’ she breathed. ‘For some time… yes. But I don’t want to hide what I feel. I want to… be free to… love you.’

‘There’s nothing bad about the way we feel… for each other’ he came closer to her. ‘We’re not… related… by blood… we’re family, yes… but… but…’

Rey sighed.

‘I know’ she muttered and reached for his face.

Her touch was gentle and she marked the line of his jaw with her fingertips. She could disarticulate his entire being and articulate it back together with one touch and one word.

‘But people have their truths, Kylo’ she muttered.

Her finger delicately drew the line of his upper lip and he was breathless. She seemed to be so lost in that, focused; her voice sounded distant.

‘…and their truths, even untrue, become… the _only_ truths.’

Her finger stopped and she looked into his eyes.

He could see the glimpse of the tears in the corners of eyes.

Silence between was dense, consisting only of their hollow breaths. They could sit like this forever, a glimpse of lovers in eternal cycle of circular metempsychosis.

‘Are you afraid?’ Kylo finally asked.

She tilted her head; he could see in her eyes how she thinks about his question the way her eyes seemed to change their colour.

‘Only stupid people aren’t’ she replied quietly and her hazel eyes became solid, two gem stones.

‘There’s a difference between bravado and courage. Areté, Ben. You taught me that.’

His lips twitched at her words.

He remembered those evenings when he was helping her with her preparations for that unnecessary philosophy exam. Well, he loved it, because they could talk, they could be in each other spaces. And Rey seemed to enjoy it too and the way she grasped the concepts was outstanding to him.

Was there anything she couldn’t do? She could succeed in any field, she was a renaissance woman.

And he wanted her more and more. Always. It was so selfish and he couldn’t help it. And he knew what she meant not only to him. She was the inspiration to so many young girls, women, to boys, men, to people. She was the Rey of sunshine, the glimpse of hope of change in that closeted F1 world, the revolution.

And he was driving for two men who were at the opposite side of that spectrum.

So Kylo looked at her, he bathed in her light, her goodness and beauty and he knew.

[ _kalkos kagathos_ –

‘Good and beautiful’ he whispered.

Rey blinked.

‘Ben –‘

‘You are’ he said. ‘The most selfless, the strongest… you’re so good, Rey –‘

‘I want to remind you I slashed your face with a burning stick’ she whispered.

His reaction surprised him - he laughed.

‘Well, nobody’s perfect’ he pointed out. ‘And maybe, you made me a bit more attractive in my unattractiveness.’

Rey shot him a look.

‘You’re considering yourself unattractive?’ she asked in serious tone.

Kylo nodded.

‘That’s… _a fact_ …?’

Rey stared at him; her hand stopped at his chest.

‘I told you you’re beautiful’ she whispered. ‘The most... beautiful man…in and out… I’ve ever known.’

He blinked. And frowned too.

‘Rey, you can’t be serious’ he laughed. Very awkwardly in addition. He could describe himself in many adjectives, but handsome was on the list of “nope”.

‘You’re a stunner and I –‘

She didn’t let him finish: she pressed her lips to his.

He almost lost his balance in surprise, her lips methodically adjusted themselves to his; she would gently brush his lips with hers and he found himself falling apart at the sensation. He wrapped his arm around her and cupped her face with his hand.

Rey’s lips were so soft, sweet and he suppressed a groan of relief he found in the kiss; her fingers weaved into his hair at the nape of his neck.

( / her lips

sweet as honey /

/ her lips (they kissed the way wind kisses faces of strangers)

most dangerous drug of all /

/ he wanted more (he wanted to kiss out essence of her being)

the love, the desire /

/ he had loved her since the beginning of time

and would continue in every life he will have/)

Kylo nudged her check with his nose and pressed a delicate kiss under her eye; Rey took a deep breath as he kissed her closed eyelids.

The overwhelming feeling of calmness filled him.

He loved her and she loved him.

In this moment, everything was perfectly simple.

‘I’m so sorry for running away’ Rey whispered.

She backed away and looked him in the eye.

‘But I wasn’t really running away from you.’

‘But from yourself’ he said.

Rey nodded; the tears glistened in her eyes like crystals.

‘I know’ he muttered. ‘We all were running away from who we really… are.’

She smiled, through tears and turned her head. He honed her perfect profile, the small scar on her cheek.

‘I’ve dreamt about this island so many times’ her voice was even quieter than a whisper.

He followed her gaze and looked on his wall.

He knew exactly what she was talking about.

‘We can go there one day’ he said, watching the photograph of Skellig Michael. The green –grey piece of rock around the blue sea.

‘I have so many places I want to visit’ she said. ‘But only places I get to visit are… racing tracks.’

He smiled.

‘Me too’ he said. ‘And hotels.’

Rey turned to him.

‘Do you really want me?’ she asked.

Kylo looked at her.

‘How… I wouldn’t want you?’ he asked in disbelief.

‘My parents didn’t want me’ she whispered. ‘And threw me away like garbage.’

His heart stopped at those words.

‘That’s why I was so mad at you, for years’ she added. ‘Because… _you left_. And you had a family who loved you. And I know I was partly responsible, but you, you –‘

‘It’s the past, Rey –‘

‘Part of me knew why you left’ she breathed. ‘You wanted to _free_ yourself. From… this legacy. To start a new life. And we forced you, we all overreacted and I stayed silent, because without… Leia and Luke… ‘

She seemed so broken, so lost and at the same time – he could see her strength, shining through the words she spoke.

‘Without them… who I would be?’ she asked.

He knew that. He knew the problem laid in Rey’s past.

His was there as well.

‘I would be some Hungarian girl… an orphan’ he heard her say. ‘I would be… nothing. ’

Kylo took a deep breath.

‘And who I am, really?’ he whispered. He looked at her. ‘My… whole value was based on… the fact my mother was the most successful female F1 driver in history and my uncle… is Luke Skywalker.’

They looked at each other.

‘I would be nothing too, without them’ he muttered. ‘But… you are… so much more than just being…’

‘What we are… is not _who_ we are’ he said. ‘And… I know… I think I know who you are, Rey. Not the solution to my loneliness, the answer to the reason why I am here, you aren’t supposed to make me a better man…’

‘I just think… we belong together’ his voice was distant, echoed in her eyes as she stared at him. ‘I just know… _it_.’

Rey tilted her head; she had tears in her eyes.

‘You’re not nothing to me, Kylo.’

‘And you’re… everything to me, Rey.’

She bit her lip.

‘We can make it right this time’ she said. ‘We can…’

Kylo took a deep breath.

‘Fix it? I don’t know if we can fix _it_ , Rey.’

‘No, but we can make something new. Something _ours_ ’ she emphasized. ‘Maybe… it's time to let old things die.’

Kylo looked at her with a frown.

She sounded exactly like him, months ago.

‘It’s not that easy’ he whispered. ‘Some things… can’t die.’

He thought about his past, about his father, uncle, mother, Poe. Snokovich, Palpatine –

years that were melting into long days of non-recognizable treacle of time.

Rey looked down; he could see the mask of tension on her face.

‘You know what I’ll say’ Kylo’s voice was a low murmur.

‘Please, not now’ Rey shook her head. ‘You know that I don’t… remember my parents.’

Kylo pursed his lips.

She was lying.

But she was right.

One step at the time.

‘You know that… you wanted to meet them… one day.’

‘If they are even alive’ she said. ‘And if the surname I have is even the real one.’

Kylo was silent.

‘I don’t know if the surname… I have is even real.’

Rey blinked.

‘Pardon?’

‘I’m pretty sure “Solo” is not the real surname of my father. That before he joined the Army… and later he got involved with my mother… there’s a reason she kept using “Organa”, Rey.’

Rey sat still, unmoved.

‘Names are only names’ he added. ‘Real or not real. They can be changed and mean nothing.’

‘That’s why you changed… the name to Kylo?’ she asked. ‘Why even…’

‘S _ky_ -wal-ker and So- _lo_. “Ky” and “lo”’ he said.

‘… and “Ren”?’

He looked down.

‘Ren means… it’s… after my grandmother… Padmé. Our grandmother, if we are…’

‘Padmé?’

Kylo nodded.

‘Ren means “lotus” in Japanese. Padmé… means “lotus” in Persian.’

Rey shook her head.

‘I never…’

‘And Király means “king” in Hungarian. Rey means ‘king” in Spanish.’

Rey laughed.

‘I’m _Rey-mont_ , Kylo.’

‘And I’m _Ben-oit_ and still you call me “Ben”.’

They laughed quietly.

‘So… I just think we should talk about… today’ he muttered. ‘I… I didn’t want to be that… aggressive with… you. ‘

Rey bit her lip.

‘Well, it was a surprise to be sure, but…’ she said after a while; her eyes wandered on his torso.

Kylo was painfully aware what her gaze was doing to him.

‘Maybe good I kind of made you mad’ she whispered.

‘You won’t run away from me?’ he asked.

Rey smiled.

‘No’ she said. ‘And if I try… run after me.’

‘I did’ he breathed.

‘I don’t mean running after me like an enraged bison, Kylo’ she teased him.

They both laughed again.

‘Well, I was… desperate.’

‘I was desperate too’ she confessed. ‘But, eh, I… panicked.’

‘You were faster than a fuckin’ Sonic the Hedgehog… than Speedy Gonzalez’ Kylo blurted out. ‘I’ve never seen anyone running so fast. But I knew that if I get you I would teach you a lesson.’

Rey got red at those words.

‘Well, I did teach you… a lesson’ he choked out, his eyes falling on the line of her neck, hair and collarbones.

Their breaths became short; they stole a quick glances at each other. Her lips were parted, blissfully pink like the petals of a rose.

She really loved him?

Rey’s gaze also fell on his lips as they both breathed heavily. They knew that they had to had that talk, but their bodies already demanded intimacy.

‘So, what are we doing?’ she asked, breathless, the only question that mattered.

‘About… _us_?’

Such a simple question.

 _Be together_ , he wanted to say out loud.

However, there were implications. They could be here, now, but as long as they would be back, in that circus called F1, they would need to pretend. At least for some time.

Therefore, Rey’s question had hidden agendas: her and him weren’t exactly enemies, but they still drove for two opposing teams.

They were rivals.

And Kylo was still tasked with “seducing” Rey to the “Dark side’ of Mercedes FO.

And he knew his boss wouldn’t let it go.

But Ben could.

He knew long ago that the game he would play was a dangerous one; but now the price didn’t matter. He would take any means to an end to be with Rey, but also, for the first time in his life, listen to what his heart tells him to do.

‘We’re pretending we don’t… like each other in public. Avoid each other’ he said. ‘For a next-two months. But –‘

‘Snokovich’ Rey whispered.

‘He wants me to…’

‘I know.’

‘Technically, you already did it’ Kylo said.

It was almost comical. He actually did what Snoke wanted or rather Rey was the seducer here, but he would rather die before he would let his boss touch Rey.

‘And I don’t mind it. But he doesn’t know. And he _can’t_ know.’

Rey nodded.

‘But he needs to think you’re doing some… progress.’

‘There will be… Mercedes 200th start in F1 and 125th year of competing in motorsport party in Germany’ he said. ‘You could come with… me.’

His heart was beating now steadily in his chest. He didn’t like the idea of inviting Rey to the lion’s den, but they had to play along.

Rey wondered at his words.

‘… yes. But –‘ she raised her finger in true fashion of his father. ‘Firstly, we will tell Leia. That… we…’

Kylo was silent.

‘I agree’ he said and Rey breathed out.

‘We will tell my mother the truth. And later…’

‘She knows, doesn’t she?’

Ben laughed.

‘I mean… I feel she knows’ he said. ‘And she apologized to me… in April… for… how she reacted.’

Rey’s eyes widened in surprise.

‘Really?’

Kylo nodded.

‘Yes.’

‘I’m still worried about Snoke’ Rey confessed.

Kylo pursed his lips.

‘They’re only men in position of power’ he said. ‘And without this position… they won’t have any.’

He glanced at Rey, who sat with a deep (and cute) frown.

‘What do you… mean?’

He raised his head higher and looked at her.

‘What they can do to us?’ he enquired her.

‘What they can do, really? Destroy our reputation? We will destroy it ourselves and make ourselves a new one then. They know that, Rey’ he shook his head.

‘They know they will be forgotten by history so they will do what it takes to hold _us_ back’ he couldn’t stop himself, he had to say that out loud. ‘They are like… self-proclaimed gods. They… exist because of _us._ The more we are scared of them, the more power we give to them. Simple.’

‘And I’m not scared of them anymore’ he hissed. ‘I’m not. They will threaten us with telling the press we are together? Or telling the press you hit me? We will tell the press _first_. We will be lucent and we won’t hide.’

‘I won’t give them the power. And they have no power… over me’ he whispered. ‘Not anymore.’

He fell silent, breathing hard. He was a bit surprised with his little speech, but he truly felt something broke inside him.

Part of inevitable change, he thought.

He wasn’t Benoit Solo, he wasn’t Kylo Ren either.

He was becoming _someone new_ –

But he still had no idea who that person will be.

Rey stared at him, eyebrows raised in daze.

‘I always… I always knew what kind of man you truly are’ she smiled.

Kylo straightened up.

‘And… ‘ he cleared his throat. ‘And who… am I?’ 

[who he was?]

[ _what_ he was?]

His heart skipped a beat as Rey’s dazzling smile widened.

She cupped his face; her finger brushed his scar, his temple as she leaned to him.

‘You are a man who has hope’ she breathed. ‘And sense of purpose. You’re compassionate…. And passionate… you’re… you’re…’

Rey pressed her forehead to his.

‘Not loving you was impossible’ she whispered. ‘I’ve fallen for you so hard and I loved you for so long… denying it was like denial of who I am.’

Kylo took a deep breath.

‘I know’ he muttered. ‘I felt it too.’

He caressed her cheek.

Hope and purpose.

 _Hope_ and _purpose_.

Kylo couldn’t stop it: smile and quiet laugh escaped his lips.

She was right, she was completely right.

‘Why… you’re laughing?’

‘You’re right’ he whispered.

Her eyes posed a question and he answered.

‘I do… I do have hope. For us. For the… for the future. For the first time in… years… ‘ he was smiling so wide his cheeks hurt. ‘I have _hope_.’

Rey held her breath.

‘Oh, Kylo –‘ she said, but he didn’t let her finish.

He took her hand and kissed its palm and laughed again.

Hope and purpose.

And _love_.

In that moment everything was perfect.

For the first time he knew his purpose and destiny. He wasn’t entirely sure what would happen in the future, but he had _hope_.

And he knew so long as he was with Rey, he was on the right path.

*******

Time was an interesting matter. Physicists would say it’s the indefinite and continued progress of existence, which is linear and logical. That time is a fourth dimension after three-dimensional Euclidean space. As a racing driver, Rey found herself fighting against it and experienced its subjectivity. The velocity, the distance – it was all simple.

The world was built on this kind of simple; actually, it was built on the syllogisms. And Rey for years, even before she came to this world, felt there has to be _something more_ to the reality surrounding her.

She studied philosophy and physics (aerodynamics were useful for a driver after all) to only become disillusioned with its lack of constant.

She wanted the answer; and there was none.

The world was the die of concepts; and concepts were to be exploited, changed, utilised.

When she was racing she could feel the world around her disappear. She could feel her heart, the speed, the fraction of time.

She could feel _time_.

It was one of the reasons why she _loved_ racing. 

It was always _now._

However, she never truly comprehend the key of all of the reality.

But she did now.

She didn’t feel time when she was with Kylo.

The ultimate simplicity, the ultimate concept of world, was love.

Time wasn’t really measured in breaths of time; it was interchangeable, the variables people used to make sense of incomprehensible. Time was actually measured in breaths of lovers, mothers and fathers hugging their children, friends stealing glances at the other, dogs, cats purring against owners’ chests or the way people sang to the plants while sprinkling them with water.

Time was measured in love – because it was simple.

Love was the simplest and the most complicated part of this universe.

Love was an energy that was a residuum of the beginning _and_ the end of time; the linearity was the nebulous illusion of circularity of eternal regression.

And for the first time in her life, Rey allowed herself to feel so much love.

She felt Kylo’s kisses like a phantasm of a lucid dream, days after he kissed her. His touch was making her see the stars of the unknown side of the cosmos; she was sure that after she was closing eyes, before sleep would take her, she had seen new constellations made out of his beauty marks and his deep-throated laugh. Her heart withered at the thought that after years, the deepest buried desire of hers came true and yet –

She was still advertent.

She wasn’t in love per se. She loved Ben, Kylo for years so much it became indissociable part of who she was; when she tried to run away from it, she tried to forget, but she knew there is only one person for her and that person was –

[B(R)en

So(Ky)lo]

Her logic was telling her that what she’s doing is right, but also wrong.

Her heart was telling her to just let herself _love_.

There was a difference between _being in love_ and _loving_ though. The difference was nebulous as it was clear; love was a strange, unknown land, terra ignota, surrounded with mare incognitum.

 _Here be wolves_ , Rey thought.

‘We can meet… before we’ll leave for Austria’ Kylo’s voice was low and hollow at the point when the last rays of sun soaked into the room.

Austrian GP was only next week, but Rey felt the weight – not say – some desperation in his voice. She was also desperate as she realised – it wasn’t enough.

One day wasn’t enough.

They made love to the point she was numb and senseless. Their bodies at some point had to fuse, merge with each other and she felt him as the part of her very being; _his_ kisses became _hers_ ; _his_ hands became _hers_. The air was thick with the scent of their skins; the smell was sweetish, but also a little salty, like the ocean.

Rey knew it’s the one she carried within herself – the first sea where, at the dawn of time, everyone was born.

How could she find words which would be the equivalents of the chanson of their flesh as they folded themselves within a single self in that small bed under the paper sky? Their bodies became the canvas, the projector of their very existences, their true essence of their selves and they were creating truly _theirs_ in that self-created and self-deconstructed eternity of lovers.

(Eat me.)

(Consume me, annihilate _me_.)

At some point she made him lay under her as she kissed every freckle, beauty mark, mole adorning his body. The beams of the setting sun melted through the glass of the room, bathing its space with the dust of alchemical gold. They were both exhausted, their thirst and hunger seemed to be impossible to be appeased in any way.

Their love could sustain them no longer for they were still too hungry, too thirsty, too raw and too sore to take more joy in it. Their kisses slowed down, their bodies were tired; their skins were thickly covered in sweat. We had not finished with one another, no – Rey knew her desire was insatiable and Kylo himself was insatiable all but as a woman –

– however, excess drains itself.

They knew that they had to take it all, more than all, because did they know the time they would be together again?

No.

Falling asleep in Ben’s arms was the most beautiful thing.

(She dreamt of a lone island mongst the grey and angry ocean. And she was everything and nothing at all; she was _the ocean_ , she was _the island_ , _the seagulls_ roaring low in the welkin of the waters –

she was the welkin of _the sky_ and _the moon_ shining over this forlorn world.

She knew the _every_ stone, the _curve_ of the cliffs, _the caves_ _o u t_ and _w i t h i n_ her, how turbulent waters washed those shores time after time in the erosional cycles dictated by the lunar menses of Selene herself.

She would stand above the cliff and watch the never-ending line of the horizon to the point where the ocean and sky were melting into one.

And the cold breeze washed cyclically her face mixing with tears on her cheeks.)

(Cycles, everything was a never-ending cycle of regression.)

_Do you know the truth about your parents?_

[Waves, the moon, the ocean within herself.]

_Or have you always known?_

( _Something_ was calling her.)

The place.

_You've just hidden it away._

Cold, dark, deep – beneath the island.

The place she buried deep, hid _there_.

(It was _calling_ her.)

_Say it._

(Again and again as its call became the scream of the ocean itself.)

Rey woke up startled. Her heart was beating so fast, too fast , to the point she felt nauseous. She knew that feeling of morning anxiety, but –

It took her a while to take deep breaths. Her eyes fell on the poster of Skellig Michael as she hid her face in her hands.

Deep breaths, one, two, three, four.

Deep breaths.

_Reymont, we both know that due to your childhood trauma, you forgot about your parents, about your life in Hungary. Even if you will one day recover those memories, there’s a possibility your memories will never be accurate._

She had no idea if she ever wanted to remember.

And worse, if she actually did remember.

[ _Did it matter?_

 _No._ ]

She had her true family. She had Luke, Leia, but losing Han was so hard – losing him, when Ben left, tore her heart apart. Ben, Kylo tore her heart apart. But she knew, she is loved; she was loved by Leia, by Luke, by Poe and -

She was loved by Kylo.

Kylo was right, some things couldn’t die.

But she would have to face them.

She held her breath when she realised she was alone in Ben’s room. Her robe was hung over old chair. There was no Kylo’s clothes, no flannel shirt, trousers, socks -

_Nothing._

Did he –

No, _no_ –

She stood up and almost right away felt the goose bumps forming on her skin as she took the robe and put it on. Her body was still tired and her moves slow. Her body was still recovering from small panic attack she had; part of her imagined the worst. And she knew she deserved that.

Rey held her breath when she noticed a neatly folded note on Ben’s desk – and a Hot Wheels car pressing it.

She reluctantly pushed the car, Hot Wheels Ford Mustang, from the nose as the scratchy sound distorted the silence.

_Dear Rey,_

_Maybe (maybe) I wanted to be a bit mean, but yeah, I’m still kinda mad at you. But I’m sorry for leaving you alone. I’m downstairs, probably destroying the kitchen trying to save you from starvation._

_I love you,_

_Kylo_

_PS1 you can try to settle up your bill of me “not being mad at you” everyday. Payment options include: a hug, kiss (cheeks and lips preferable) and a little smile (if you want to smile of course)._

_PS2 You snore louder than Chewie._

Rey laughed quietly.

‘You bloody joker’ she whispered.

Coming downstairs, she could hear the known sound of sizzling frying pan and also a low hum; the sun bathed the hall in the light of the morning.

Kylo was there, by the cooker, ridiculously enormous in the kitchen. It was quite weird to watch him in this domestic sphere, after so many years when he wasn’t so welcomed at Oxhead.

How many times she wondered where he lived now? She knew he lives in Brackley, but imagining, him, alone – she remembered those nights when she wondered what he ate for lunch, what book he was reading, what kind of colour his walls are and if he has any plants. The other side of her feared he really did move on; that one day she would see the news of some “sweetheart” at his side, especially when he debuted in F1 –

but years passed and Rey realised, or at least part of her knew, that he did not move on.

The time was passing, but they were at the point of stagnation.

Rey leant onto the door frame and watched him; he was wearing yesterday’s clothes, now creased, his hair was a cascade of dark waves and she wanted to comb them with her fingers.

She watched him, his profile; Ben looked so lost in thought; the frying pan sizzled as he mouthed the words.

‘…there's no way to describe it…’ he muttered. ‘She came… she saw and… took…’

He frowned, like he tried to recall something.

‘ _You?_ ’ he said. ‘And…?’

‘Eggs are burning’ Rey said.

Kylo jumped, startled.

‘Holy fuckin’ SHIT –‘

With a loud thump he put the pan on the other carb and started scrape the egg from the Teflon. Rey came closer; she could see his hair, all disheveled, the shadow of delicate facial fair, Kylo swore once again.

‘Huh – _well_ ’ he put hands on his hips and stared at the burnt eggs. ‘Those will be mine.’

He looked so genuinely frapped, Rey laughed.

He looked at her.

‘Thank you for giving me a heart attack’ she said.

Kylo took a deep breath and was already opening his mouth, but –

She stood on her tiptoes and kissed his cheek.

‘Payment settled up for today’ she whispered.

She wrapped her arms around him as he rested his head on hers; she could feel his heart slowly beating under her hand. Rey closed her eyes, when Ben took a deep breath. She nestled her head to his chest as he wrapped his hands around her.

The morning sun was flooding the kitchen in liquid golden rays of a new day.

Rey knew that their time was coming to an end; they were both aware of it.

‘Just a little bit longer’ Ben’s voice was all muffled. ‘Please.’

‘I miss you already’ she whispered.

She knew she’s in love, that she loves him, not because she felt dizzy, intoxicated and drunk with that feeling, no.

She felt serenity – balance.

As she finally could come home.

Her heart wasn’t racing; it was the steadiest pace it had ever beaten

‘I miss you too. But… Luke will come soon and I have… simulator… at 11 am.’

She looked at him.

His eyes were dimmed, almost subdued.

[Their time was coming to an end and they both knew it.]

‘I am free on Saturday’ she said.

‘Me too’ he replied.

The silence was so taut she could feel it.

‘Meet me… ‘ she took a deep breath. ‘That small…. spinney… where… I fell from Prince. Meet me there. I’ll be waiting for you at noon.’

His eyes wandered all over her face.

‘I will.’

She touched his face, she felt his hands on her waist. She could feel it, the waves of feeling she denied almost her whole life; and her heart, it finally felt free – she felt she was somewhere else now.

Beyond this world, this reality.

_Terra nebulosa._

Love was, indeed, a nebulous realm.

[But still,

she couldn’t forget about her dream. ]

(That place.)

(It was calling her.)

(again and aga _i n a n d a g a I n_

The days till their meeting were then a nebulous time; they were too long and too short; Rey found herself drifting away with her thoughts, away to the labyrinth of her thoughts.

She didn’t worry she is doing the right thing. She knew, that as a woman, nothing she would do would be punished. So at least, for the first time in her life, she could listen to her heart and follow it.

‘What are you thinking about, kid? You have your head in the clouds.’

Rey looked at her adoptive father, his face lit up, painted by the blueish halo of the TV.

She blinked.

‘I’m… okay’ she said taking a bite of an apple. The fruit had a bit sour taste; it burnt, it prickled her, the pulp falling down as she brushed it off.

Her fingers trembled when she touched her lips.

[Her lips still carried his kiss.]

‘I’m okay’ she whispered.

She looked at her apple – it already started to darken in the place where she took a bite. Soon it would decay and give a start for a new life with its seeds.

‘Just… lately…’ she said, feeling Luke’s eyes on her. ‘I think about… cycles.’

‘Cycles?’

‘Not only about… menstrual cycles, uncle’ she whispered. ‘More about… nature… cycles… waves… like what Julia Kristeva was saying about the eternal feminine cycle of pre-linguistic Semiotic.’

(Cycles, everything was a never-ending cycle of regression.)

Luke stared at her, blinking slowly.

‘I told Leia philosophy was a mistake’ he whispered. ‘But wow, Rey… I thought –‘

‘Ben talked to me about it’ she said.

Luke’s face changed: his smile faded, he pursed his lips into a thin line.

‘Rey –‘

‘I don’t think philosophy was a mistake’ she said quietly, standing up.

She came to him and leant down as she kissed his forehead.

‘There’s more to life than only racing, uncle’ she said. ‘We all want a deeper meaning to our lives –‘

‘You don’t talk to him, right?’ Luke asked her. ‘With… Ben?’

The gaze of his eyes was penetrating, sharp as a knife; Luke watched her, but she knew –

Part of her didn’t feel shame anymore.

Luke for years was an authority, patriarch figure- he was her father and Rey loved him –

But he didn’t know what the denial of her feelings for Ben did to her.

And he will have to understand.

‘I think past is the past, uncle’ she said. ‘And we should all give second chances. ‘

‘Rey –‘

‘Lack of communication leads to misunderstanding’ she added. ‘And misunderstanding leads to fear of the unknown.’

Luke watched her, wide-eyed; she smiled at him and placed another kiss on his forehead.

Rey didn’t want to come back to her old self anymore.

[the apple has been already bitten.]

The next day, she had been waiting at the edge of the spinney long before the noon; finding it again wasn’t hard as she heard its call, she knew the way: it turned out there was a nice sandy bypath leading to it from the main road. Rey walked towards it pushing her bike, just honing the nature surrounding her, the waves of the wheat moved by the wind, birds singing. When she reached her destination, she put her bike against one of the trees and unfastened her cycling helmet.

And… she waited.

The perfect electronic clock of her watch measured time with precision of the ceasium second:

but in _terra nebulosa_ , all clocks halt and time becomes circular.

[the wheat, the shadows were the shortest at that time of the noon]

but she could see, over the green horizon, the silver cirque of the moon]

Moon and the sky – the total opposites.

And yet, they coexisted together.

It was a beautiful day, sunny and warm, the one of those most beautiful days as the door of the summer solstice stood wide open; nevertheless Rey still felt cold, she wrapped her arms around her. She knew that coming here wearing a cycling suit wasn’t her dream-like outfit for a date, but she had to keep up appearances – and she told Luke she goes for a long cycling ride.

And what if…?

What if Ben wouldn’t come?

She lifted her head when she heard a rhythmic sound of approaching steps.

A dark figure – all dressed in black – was closer and closer.

Rey stood up as Kylo stopped in front of her; he was breathing heavily as he took out earphones – and Rey could hear the silvery strain of a song he was listening to. She knew it, she wanted to ask him what he is listening to, but -

‘It’s a bit… farther than I’ve expected’ he muttered and he turned the music off.

‘That’s why I took a bike’ she said. ‘You could too.’

Kylo laughed quietly.

‘But you make cycling suit look…’

His eyes wandered up and down and Rey held her breath.

‘... amazing’ he whispered. ‘Me? People would sue me for causing permanent mental trauma.’

Rey couldn’t help, but break into a smile.

‘Come on, Kylo, you’re exaggerating.’

He shot her a look.

‘I am not, for the love I have for lasagna and you, exaggerating.’

‘You put lasagna before me?’ Rey asked.

He whirled the earphone and sighed.

‘… maybe?’

Rey nudged him.

‘You bastard’ she whispered.

Kylo grabbed her; Rey momentarily lost her breath as he brushed his nose with hers.

‘Your bastard’ he breathed.

‘I said I’ll come’ he added.

She had no idea why those words made her shiver; she closed her eyes, the tears fell from her eyes. They wrapped their arms around each other; she could feel Ben’s heart slowing down and her did the same; his arms squeezed her tight to him and she stood on her tiptoes as his breath was tickling her hair.

Rey wanted to know everything; she had no idea how much she missed _him,_ just to talk with him, with no drama regarding F1, their family or Snokovich. She had no idea what he was doing, what books he had read for the past 8 years and she was desperate, she was dying to know – and it looked like he felt it as well; when they both found themselves, so close to each other, in the cool and malachite shadows of the spinney, they bombarded the other with the questions and Rey –

God, Rey finally felt it.

Just the two of them.

Ben and her, her and Kylo.

In that corner of the world, forgotten by the God himself, there was only him and her, living the most honest part of themselves.

They were seen and they were understood – as they understood each other. They even forgotten to kiss at some point, when their little debate ended in laughing and they couldn’t stop –

‘No, no, no’ Ben shook his head. Rey was smiling so wide, her cheeks hurt, stomach too as he wiggled his finger at her. ‘I’m tellin’ you… you’re mistaken… you’re so wrong.’

‘You’re the _only_ driver who got upset they are cancelling Malaysia. This circuit was… absolutely… _horrible_.’

Kylo rolled his eyes.

‘And didn’t you say you love Monaco, when it’s a fucking boring shitshow?’

‘Are you really an F1 driver, Mr Ren?’ she asked. ‘Monaco is historical. _Iconic._ ’

Kylo hissed.

‘Iconic-shitonic’ he muttered. ‘Nowadays cars are so wide driving in Monaco is not even like trying to cycle round a living room anymore, but trying to rollerblade in portaloo.’

Rey collapsed into giggles.

‘You just didn’t say… “portaloo”.

‘I hate Monaco, Rey, I fucking _loathe_ it.’

‘Grumpy, you’re a total grump. Like, you aren’t a two time Monaco GP winner, dear?’

Kylo shot her a look and sly smile widened his lips.

‘Maybe, maybe… I am.’

‘Maybe, maybe?’ Rey raised an eyebrows.

‘Maybe, maybe’ he smiled at her as his eyes wandered over her face.

His hands wandered higher and higher, up her back as she sat in his lap and she placed kisses over his face, over every beauty mark, the bridge of his nose to the moment he protested; chest to the chest, heart to the heart – she could hear the quiet hum of the wind, the sough of the leaves, but his breath, when he was slowly kissing her neck, jaw, cheeks with such reverence, Rey knew –

Love really could halt all of the clocks.

‘When a woman… loves you’ Kylo said quietly . ‘You will never forget the moment… her lips touched your skin.’

‘The way she touched your… body.’

‘The world was the matrix of… pixelated feelings’ he whispered. ‘And she smudged them … into the perpetuity of nows.’

‘You will never forget the way… her eyes looked’ he smiled. ‘When she told you she loves you –‘

A quiet gasped escaped her lips when he pressed her harder against him.

‘There's no way to describe it’ his whisper caressed her ear ‘She came, she saw and she took you… into her sweet possession of softness of time.’

The world around her was blurry, nebulous – the colours vibrant, aquarelle-like as she heard low murmur of Kylo’s voice.

‘They never tell you… how it feels when a woman loves you’ he said. ‘And why they don’t? As though… the love of a woman is too abstract, decuman to understand…?’

‘And love is not comprehensible’ his lips brushed her jaw, his nose too. ‘Actually the world is not comprehensible as well –‘

Rey found his face and cupped it. Her heart was beating so slow, she felt she would break from the feelings she feels, she couldn’t breathe –

Ben’s face seemed to be softened by the sunlight whereas his eyes , usually dark, had some of alchemical gold glittering inside them.

‘You just give in’ he breathed. ‘And when a woman loves you, you can only… surrender.’

‘I surrender myself to you’ he said, voice breaking.

Rey felt tears in the corner of her eyes, she brushed hair from his face.

‘But I don’t want you to… surrender’ she replied. ‘We’re… equals and I don’t want you to…’

‘Worship you? At least I can cherish you?’

‘And can I cherish _you_?’ she asked.

They both laughed.

‘You’re stubborn’ he muttered, when she rested her head on his chest. The sun lit the line of his face and he smelt like...

Like _home_.

‘You’re also stubborn’ she whispered.

‘Actually… yeah.’

She closed her eyes; his hand went to her hair and she took a deep breath when she felt his fingers weaving into her hair.

A minute could be an hour – and an hour could be a minute. Rey lost track of time – the sun seemed to stay at the zenith of the sky, but that zenith could be nadir as well, as south could be the north and north could be the south.

Time and space, directions – it didn’t matter.

‘That was… a poem?’ she said.

Her voice was quieter than a whisper; it felt like a blasphemy to use voice now, when they didn’t speak out loud for so long.

‘It was.’

She gulped.

‘It was beautiful.’

She looked at him as he turned his head to her.

‘Did you…? ‘

‘Write it? No’ Kylo gently shook his head. ‘But if you can count on something, it’s lesbian poetry.’

Rey laughed.

‘No way.’

Kylo smiled at her.

‘I realized I shouldn’t have said that. It had to sound weird.’

‘You just… surprised me.’

‘I could try to write you something, but it won’t be beautiful.’

‘Kylo –‘

‘Did I destroy the moment?’ he asked. He genuinely looked baffled.

She caressed his face, the line of the scar; she kissed it and she heard him taking a deep breath.

‘No, darling’ she whispered. ‘You didn’t.’

She nestled into him as he rested his head on hers. Rey knew he feels it too.

Their times was coming into an end, again.

But just – a little bit more, she thought.

‘That song you listened to…’ she whispered. ‘Was it… Fleetwood Mac?’

She sun was now much lower, soaking through the leaves in spectacular beams of light.

‘… yes.’

‘ _Everywhere_ ’ she whispered.

‘Yes.’

She opened her mouth to say something, when Kylo said:

‘I know it’s a bit… I don’t really hate British music, okay? I always said I do, but –‘

‘I know’ she laughed. ‘I know.’

He lowered his eyes.

‘But just… this song reminds me of you, like a lot’ he whispered. ‘So cliché, actually. Because I want to be with you everywhere.’

‘I don’t think it’s bad’ she said. ‘Because I want to be with you everywhere too.’

His eyes reflected the sun as she realised he had tears in his eyes as well; she wanted to remember every freckle of his skin, how his lips tasted like, the way he smelt; she missed him already and when they would meet again?

She had no idea.

But she was in love, she loved him and she knew she is loved back;

And nothing, nothing could take it, him, away from her now.

_Can you hear me calling_

_Out your name_

_You know that I'm falling_

_And I don't know what to say_

_I'll speak a little louder_

_I'll even shout_

_You know that I'm proud_

_And I can't get the words out_

_Oh I... I want to be with you everywhere_

_Oh I... I want to be with you everywhere_

_(Wanna be with you everywhere...)_

Rey blinked and took off her earphones.

Kaydel folded arms on her chest.

‘Rey, did you listen to me? Is something happening to you? You’re acting peculiarly.’

Rey held her breath; her eyes fell on the data sheet and half-emptied cup of cold espresso.

‘No, no, Kay’ she said. ‘I’ve been analyzing the data you sent me back… on Tuesday’ she said. ‘Just you know… I’m tired.’

‘There’s FP1 and FP2 tomorrow ‘ Kaydel said. ‘I know Holdo was strict about those new engine updates and we need to find the proper set up, but…’

Kaydel leant to her.

‘I heard Merc brings also new engine update and it’s… monstrous’ she whispered. ‘The delta… between our top straight speed and theirs…’

‘Mercedes always had a good engine, Kay, they do well on all kind of tracks, low, medium, high-downforce…’

Kaydel shook her head.

‘I know, Rey, but still’ she rolled her eyes.’ I wish FIA could just… say to froze engine development for 2 years at least.’

‘It’s not only about engine, but also aerodynamics. We’re lucky to even battle Mercedes this year’ Rey pointed out. ‘After Poe won the title last year…’

‘Yeah, sweetie, I know’ Kaydel waved at herself. ‘But I do complain. A lot. And I know what you will say –‘

‘Aerodynamics are for people who can't build engines’ Rey said. But it’s 2019 and we do need aerodynamics, so I’m sorry, Signore Enzo Ferrari is wrong.’

Kaydel looked at her and laughed.

‘I’m pretty sure he didn’t expect Ferrari to become a British-Italian team with almost all female-board and a woman as a driver, but…’

Rey laughed.

‘I’m pretty sure he didn’t’ she whispered.

‘Remember, we’re doing a track walk at 1 pm’ she said. ‘And… Leia told me to remind you of your dinner, she wants you to eat with her in her… apartment.’

Rey held her breath.

Kaydel raised an eyebrow.

‘Hymm…?

‘Yes… yes’ Rey said. ‘Of… of course.’

Kaydel winked at her.

‘1 pm, I’ll be waiting.’

The paddock of Red Bull Ring hummed with its own vibrant life and aura. It was the last days of June and the green wasn’t so green as it used to be in May; it was so hot, Rey dreamt only of an ice bath. The skies over the track were absolutely purely blue, the type of blue that is characterised with fadedness from the sun. When she went for their usual track walk with Rose, Kaydel and her team, Rey felt some indescribable melancholy seeing the nature at its full bloom so soon, just few days after the summer solstice as the days would get shorter and shorter from now on.

Red Bull Ring, formerly known as Österreichring and A1-Ring, was definitely the most picturesque round of the season. The track was set in an idyllic natural bowl in the Styrian mountains and the view of the track from sky (as Rey arrived to the track by helicopter) was breathtaking. The mountainsides thickly covered with eiderdown of malachite pines. Rey wanted to trace the line of the mountains range in the distance, so small and she laughed at her almost childish thought.

She won here, a year ago, when she was with Prema in F2. However, Formula 1 cars were presenting a challenge; the track was a short one, the first half rewarded power, as the cars blasted along three straights separated by a pair of uphill right-handers. But then as the driver was working their way downhill, the circuit was becoming a regular toboggan ride, as the cars canyon through a series of quick corners, including the exhilarating Rindt right-hander, named for Austria’s first F1 champion, Jochen Rindt, the only driver to be posthumously awarded the Formula One World Drivers' Championship after being killed during practice for the Italian Grand Prix back in 1970.

Rey watched the team preparing for Friday; Skywalker Ferrari boxes were exactly next to Mercedes FO’s one and when she saw a familiar and tall silhouette, her heart skipped a beat.

She knew she shouldn’t watch him, but seeing him, from afar, when he wasn’t sure he’s being watched was fascinating; he talked to one black woman, probably one of the senior engineers; and he was _hunching over_ to talk to her and he seemed to be completely aware he was doing that and God, Rey was finding it absolutely _adorable_ –

‘Ren’ she heard behind her.

She turned; Rose rolled her eyes and squeezed tighter her file holder.

‘Him and… that _Hux_ ’ Rose muttered. ‘I honestly… can’t stand them.’

Rey took a deep breath.

‘Aren’t you following Hux on Instagram?’ she asked, breathless. She still felt she was just caught red-handed and still –

She stole a quick glance. Yes, Kylo was still hunching and Rey tried not to laugh.

‘What? God, Rey… I do, but… I follow all the drivers… to know what they are posting and how we should…’ Rose muttered.

Rey looked at her.

‘Don’t mention his name in my presence’ Rose whispered.

‘Hux’s?’ Rey asked.

Rose took a deep breath.

‘Yes’ she said through clenched teeth. ‘I don’t care if I’m 5’2 and he’s 6’1, I’ll strangle him with my bare hands even if I will have to throw myself at him or use a stool.’

Rey blinked.

‘Rose’ she had to ask. ‘Did Hux do something to you… or something?’

She stole another quick glance; Kylo was just at the pit wall talking to another crew member. She realised with such ease he actually gathered the team around him, the way they listened to him; she always knew he had a natural talent, charisma of a born leader, but now –

She was witnessing this with her own eyes.

Like he felt her eyes on him, Kylo’s head turn to her.

Rey immediately looked away.

[they couldn’t, they couldn’t –

‘Did he do something to me? Pff!’ Rose hissed. ‘Oh, Rey, ugh! He hit on me, he somehow… knew my name and… oh “it has to be illegal to look so good”, who the hell he thinks he is?’

‘Yeah, exactly, but, wait what?’ Rey was so confused.

She focused on fuming Rose.

‘Pardon’ she said. ‘You.. Hux…? Hux. _Armitage Hux_ –‘

‘Don’t mention this name –‘

‘Hit on _you_ ’ Rey said.

Rose stared at her.

‘He did’ she confirmed. ‘And I’ll hit him literally.’

‘Rose, please, don’t –‘

‘And you don’t want to do the same to Ren?’ Rey laughed. ‘They are both…’

Rey bit her lip.

[she felt his eyes on her.]

‘Assholes, total assholes, who think they are entitled to take any woman just because they find them attractive’ Rey said.

Rose was silent.

‘Yeah’ she nodded. ‘Wait, so you mean he considers me _attractive_ –‘

Rose blinked.

‘No’ she took a deep breath. ‘I’m going to calm down. _Calm down_. And I’ll play Mario Kart or throw bricks at Mercedes hospitality.’

Rey laughed.

‘Better Mario Kart.’

Rose shook her head.

‘Men.’

‘A-men’ Rey pointed out.

‘A- _women_ ’ Rose emphasised.

‘Exactly’ Rey whispered. ‘A- _women_ –‘

She looked over her shoulder.

Her and Ben’s eyes met.

[soon, sweetheart, we will be together]

She had never felt so peaceful. Part of her felt that resolution – that part of the denial. She just… surrendered to it.

She gave in.

And she found freedom in this reconciling.

She loved him, she loves him and she will love him and nothing – the past, the now, the future – would change that.

She knew it wouldn’t be easy. But she had been living a lie her whole life, she turned away not only from Kylo, but mainly from herself. For now, they would have to lie, yes, but Rey knew it was temporary.

She wasn’t going to deny anything about herself anymore.

‘Can I ask… what’s on your mind, Rey?’

Rey’s hand froze half way towards her lips.

Leia sat on the opposite side of the table, they both sat by the window of her apartment with the view of the Styrian mountains looming over the city of Graz; the sunrise stainted the sky the way wine stains the white sheets when it is spilled.

The water inside the glass was turbulent when Rey put it back on the table with a thump.

Rey bit her lip.

‘I think…’

The water reflected the last beams of the sun in its waves.

She looked at Leia.

[Ben had his mother’s eyes.

And he was his father’s son.]

‘I think about… _cycles_ ’ she said quietly.

It was fascinating to see her reaction, like before she saw Luke’s. When her adoptive father seemed baffled and surprised, Leia’s face was stern and focused.

‘Cycles.’

‘Yes’ Rey said, straightening herself and raised her chin higher.

 _Like a lady_ , she thought.

‘Everything… is a cycle’ she explained. ‘I’m thinking about… eternal return, Nietzschean cycle. Kristeva’s cycle of eternal feminine. I just … feel time, history is… repeating, over and over again, and the questions I have… my thoughts, my failures… they all… _come back_.’

Rey caught her eyes; Leia was silent.

‘I know how it sounds’ she whispered. ‘But… waves. I think so much about…’

She closed her eyes.

[Ben’s body crashing into hers, meeting and meeting again, time after time –

There were things she knew her adoptive father wouldn’t understand. Poe? Never. Kylo, maybe.

But Leia would.

‘I feel sometimes… Something inside me has always been there... but now…’ her voice was so quiet, so shaking. ‘It's awake and… I'm afraid.’

‘It’s like an ocean’ she added. ‘So deep, dark…’

[ _waves, waves, sound of waves that screamed inside her_ ]

She opened her eyes.

Her aunt took a glass and drink from it. Rey waited; Leia took a deep breath.

‘I should have known’ she muttered. ‘You’re not a child anymore.’

‘I remember those thoughts, when I was your age. Although… I didn’t have the burden you carry on your shoulders. My… burden was different. And the times were… so different. Less crazy, in a way. Now…’

‘We are all being watched… all the time’ she said. ‘All. The. Time.’

She shook her head.

‘I cannot speak for Luke, Reymont, but… we all know how last years… changed us all. Even if we all feel…’

‘Unchanged’ Rey said.

Leia nodded.

‘Exactly. Unchanged.’

‘But we did change’ Rey started to mash methodically her potatoes with a fork. ‘We all changed.’

‘I remember you… being such a cute… midget’ Leia laughed. ‘When Luke… told me he wants to adopt a girl from Hungary.. I just…’

‘I always wanted a daughter’ she smiled at her. ‘But work and Kes’ death and adopting Poe and raising Ben, being a team principal…’

‘It was all so.. too much and I already knew I wasn’t doing the right job. But… when I saw you…’

Leia reached for her hand and squeezed it.

‘I knew I would love you forever. No matter what… your… biological parents… your… past…’

There were tears in her eyes.

‘You are ours now. You belong… with us.’

Rey took a deep breath; feeling her lips tremble.

‘And it didn’t… change, Rey. You are… you are Rey. Our Rey. Just Rey and more than just Rey. And if you wondered… why, why…’

‘Why you never changed my surname to Skywalker?’ Rey asked. ‘I do. I always did.’

The years when she wondered, that even being in the eyes of the law the only and sole daughter of great Luke Skywalker and niece of Leia Organa, she carried the surname of the people she never knew. She wondered why, why they didn’t give her their surname – and she would take it, gladly, Rey Skywalker, Rey Organa –

 _Rey Solo_ , as she wrote over and over again in her childhood diary.

Leia squeezed her hand tighter; her skin was like a vellum, so thin and she could feel the bones under it the way she could touch _time._

‘We thought… we would strip you of your own… surname… to cover the past? We never wanted it. And name is just a name.’

Rey took a deep breath.

[she said the same thing her son did]

‘You didn’t remember your parents and taking away your name… would cause more harm. You’re your own person… you have your own name and destiny and we already… failed… with burdening you with… our failures and… this great… Skywalker racing legacy.’

Rey took a deep breath.

‘Aunt…’

‘I made such a mistake’ Leia said, voice breaking. ‘If I somehow… stopped Luke before this whole madness escalated, maybe… maybe...’

Rey gulped. Did Leia mean…?

‘The fear of the future made me blind to the now’ her aunt muttered hollowly. ‘And I didn’t realize it… until… Han died and Ben… it was too late.’

‘L-Leia’ Rey breathed. ‘It’s… not too late.’

‘It’s not’ she said louder, stronger. ‘The past… doesn’t define the future.’

‘We define the future’ she added.

‘And what if yours is defined by someone else?’ Leia asked.

Rey gulped.

‘Don’t lie, Rey. I did it. I defined yours… and Ben’s future. I defined Poe’s future. ‘

She backed and leant on the chair.

‘I haven’t seen my son… grow to become a man’ she said. ‘For the last 8 years… he became an abstract term…’

Leia pursed her lips and shook her head.

‘I don’t know how to get to him, to be honest. And I don’t know if I know… who he is anymore.’

[he’s your son.

he’s hopeful, compassionate and passionate.

He always wants to learn, he’s grumpy and so, oh so stubborn and when he will make up his mind –

 _his defiance can shake the stars_ ]

‘He’s Ben. He’s Kylo’ Rey said. ‘And he’s none of them. I feel… he changed and judging him… is like judging who we were in the past.’

‘I think you can be… proud of him, aunt’ Rey whispered.

Leia smiled faintly,

‘I am, dear. So, so proud. And I am… ashamed of myself when I see what kind of great racing driver he is now. And I wouldn’t ever… let him race. And I miss him. I miss… my son.’

Rey felt her eyes on her, studying her.

‘Have you… talked to him… recently?’

[Kylo laughing at her joke, his smile that wrinkled the corner of his eyes.

How she wished Leia would see him – _this man, her son_ – so free, so hopeful.]

Rey shook her head.

‘I didn’t have… a chance’ she whispered and that lie _hurt_.

‘When… he came to talk about… that Snoke… mission he had…. You know…’

‘He won’t do it’ Leia whispered. ‘He wouldn’t ever harm you. He would sooner kill himself than lay a finger or let someone lay a finger on you.’

The conviction in her voice, the sheer certainty astonished Rey; she took a deep breath.

‘Ben… he has a lot… from Han’ Leia said. ‘The way he carries himself… it’s just… seeing him.’

‘But he is not Han’ she accented. ‘He was always… more quiet, introspective… than him or even me. Or Luke. I didn’t fully understand him.. but with you…’

‘I would see how he opens with you’ she smiled. ‘How _you_ were opening when being with him. Even if he tried to hide it and you tried to hide it as well.’

[ _she knows_ , she heard Ben’s voice.

 _she always knew_ , Rey thought.]

‘You know that I didn’t know I had a brother… till I was 19, right?’ Leia asked.

Rey blinked.

‘I… I know’ she replied.

Leia shook her head.

‘I was adopted by my mother’s friends, Organa family, Breha and Bail Organa. And they would… they thought I would become a politician, like them’ she laughed. ‘But I was rebellious… I felt the call to racing, the speed, that adrenaline…’

‘I was mentored by Ben Kenobi, who mentored one boy, Luke Skywalker’ she said. ‘I really couldn’t say if I liked Luke. But I entered a male world and karting… for the girl from my… sphere… was unconventional.’

‘It’s how I met Han. Karting, Formula 3… Formula 1… it was so different then. I actually hated myself for liking Han then. I knew I shouldn’t and…’

Leia sighed.

Rey sat still –

_waiting._

‘He was everything I shouldn’t have liked in a man. I knew I would never be with him, but…’

Their eyes met.

‘I still fell head over heels for him’ the woman whispered. ‘And I knew… I wanted to be with him… even if my parents… wouldn’t ever approve him.’

‘And they never’ Leia added. ‘They died… and later there was a whole … drama… Kenobi was involved… and later he had his own personal… problems’ Leia waved her hand. ‘It’s a long story, Rey.’

‘Skywalkers aren’t known for being…’ she sighed. ‘There’s always some drama. Always.’

She stopped and grimaced.

‘Maybe.. maybe I did kiss Luke in front of Han to make him jealous –‘

Rey blinked.

‘You…? You kissed Luke?’ she asked.

‘We didn’t know we were related, so please, be lenient with me’ Leia laughed. ‘I just… when I think about it, I just cannot believe it. If the press knew... oh god, but just… it was an accident. And I just wanted to cut this stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking… nerfherder… down to size. But if not for that…’

Leia’s gaze became absent.

She lowered her gaze and sighed deeply.

‘I think it’s time for you and Be –‘

Her voice was cut by the phone ringing.

Leia reached for it and pursed her lips.

‘I’m sorry, dear. It’s from Amilyn’ she said.

Rey nodded and –

Leia left her alone.

Rey’s heart beat so fast she put a hand on her chest and took a deep breath.

They knew that Leia knows. But still –

‘I won’t be afraid of what I feel’ she whispered. ‘I won’t be.’

She took deep breath after breath.

They were at the point of crossroads – and she knew she has to fight to not fall into the same cycle again.

[She won’t run away from Ben.

She won’t run away from her guilt.

She won’t run away from her past.

She won’t run away from _herself –_

_‘- Rey.’_

Rey looked up to see Leia staring at her; she looked tired and –

‘Something happened’ Rey stood and came to her.

Leia shook her head.

‘Just… a problem at the box’ she muttered. ‘The mechanics worked on the chassis and there.. Was a little fire.’

‘Fire?’

‘Everything is now under control, Rey, don’t worry, but… I will have to go.’

‘Aunt, but you’re tired and it’s getting late –‘

‘I am a team principal, Rey’ Leia interrupted her, voice blasé. ‘My job is to make sure everything is all right. If my people are all right.’

Rey took a deep breath.

‘I understand.’

‘You stay’ Leia added. ‘You need rest.’

Rey nodded.

‘Yes.’

They stared at each other, their faces seeming to break apart from the emotions; Rey gulped and –

They both wrapped arms around each other in tight embrace.

‘I love you so much, Rey’ she heard Leia.

‘I love you too’ Rey whispered.

‘If there’s anything heavy on your heart.. .’

She felt her hands go to her hair and pressing her closer; Rey blinked, feeling her eyes getting teary.

‘…please tell me. Please.’

Leia’s voice was a weak whisper and Rey was now sure –

[she knew.]

‘I won’t… I won’t let _you_ down again.’

She didn’t mean only Rey, she knew that. The implication was there, clear and lucent as a mirror.

Rey closed her eyes and she hugged her tighter.

And she felt _it_.

She felt _hope_.

[everything finally could be right]

She smiled.

‘I know’ she replied. ‘I know you won’t.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I’m really hoping you enjoy seeing this two idiots in love, because god, I didn’t write almost 150k words to not get some secret Reylo dates DUH I absolutely loved writing it, although I tried not to be sugary and well, show how they both change when they around each other.
> 
> And also… just for your info, pay attention to details. It will all click at the right time ;) 
> 
> I also wanna say that this story won't end at 25 chapters, but still I have no idea how many chapters will be the end so... I'm sorry. But definitely more than 25.
> 
> "Terra nebulosa" is a term I borrowed from Carter's "the Infernal Desires", although in the book it doesn't relate to the love there per se. My main idea was to create kind of idyllic scenery for our lovebirds and I hope I did it ;)
> 
> Just in general, I knew we need some important talks between Rey-Kylo, Rey and Leia and them just talking and being honest with each other. I also wanted to show that when Rey makes her mind… when she lets herself be her true self… we need to understand how insecure she is. But yes, I decided to make her here more “the villain” at the beginning, but her denial, fear of not belonging (here in this chapter showed by Rey asking why she wasn’t renamed “Rey Skywalker”) plays important role in her development.
> 
> Plus, Rey and Ben flirting? Gimme that. 
> 
> And also, Rose following Hux on insta??? Huh, Rose, Rose!!!
> 
> The poem Kylo says is actually mine and I wrote it for my gf ;) 
> 
> I’m currently fascinated by cycles. So Rey has to share my weird interest (I’m so sorry Rey).
> 
> So, I wanna show my two drawings I've drawn/painted this week of Rey and Kylo - you can find them on [ Tumblr here ](https://drivenbyreylo.tumblr.com/) and on my [ my Insta ](https://www.instagram.com/agprosinska/) I'm not very good with digital art as I mainly do traditional art, but I hope you will like it ;) (and sorry i don't know how to make it smaller so sorry :( )
> 
>   
> I think there was enough of F1 info in the chapter already, so there's no need to do F1-lingo. However, if you want me to explain something, character's behaviour, etc, comment. I’ll do it with pleasure!
> 
> Take care and please, keep your fingers crossed for me - I have a shit tone of school stuff and also something important next Monday. Really excited and kinda scared ha! I really hope I won't lose my mind. 
> 
> Be responsible, don’t be assholes and stay cool. See ya next chapter! *dab*


	22. Announcement

No, it’s not a new chapter and I’m sorry I’m posting this as a new chapter, but I figured out it’s the only way to just say what I have to say.

I decided to leave this fanfic. I mean maybe for some months, I don’t know, I don’t want to say forever. I hope to come back one day when I will feel ready and myself again. I grew really disheartened and disillusioned with it and my mental health, university and the work I have to do for the publishing house leaves me no choice but to distance myself from this project for some time. I will keep writing “Driven” slowly, but definitely I won’t be posting the new chapters here as they will be for my gf’s eyes only. I really thought I could do it, but the reality, my mother getting corona virus, me growing more tired, dejected and I’m done. And I cannot commit myself to this story the way I would want to and I have no time for myself whatsoever. Please understand and really see that behind every chapter posted here, there was a girl who really tried to deliver the best story she could.

Please take care of yourself and don’t be assholes; world could use some empathy right now.

See ya,

redbullmocktails


	23. Chapter 21: Daughters and Fathers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I just wanted to say I’m back with a new chapter. I feel, I think, a bit better, my mom too. Or I just got used to, well, feeling tired and working all the time :/ I really don’t wanna disappoint anyone and it was a hard decision to take a break from “Driven” and yeah, I still feel kinda “disconnected” with this story, so if it feels off, I’m sorry, but I’m trying my best. I miss so much writing normally, but school and work have other plans for me. So, if you’re here to read a new chapter, I just wanna thank you. Because you're here and you read those words. The fact that people wait for my writing, they want to read it, means a lot to me. Really. I read the comments people left here and I really appreciate them so so much. That's why I wanted this chapter to be a Christmas present for my lovely readers ;) 
> 
> I want to, once again thank my gf and beta for helping me with it <3
> 
> I really hope you will enjoy it. Be my guest :)

> As for my father, few souls are less troubled. He can be simply pleased with us, pleased that we exist, and, from the vantage point of his wondrously serene old age, he contemplates our lives almost as if they were books he can dip into whenever he wants. His back pages, perhaps.
> 
> ― Angela Carter, _Shaking a Leg: Collected Writings_

Kylo was living _a nightmare_ and _a dream_ at once.

Firstly, he had a girlfriend and that was an achievement on its own, to be honest. And it wasn’t just any girl, it was the girl: it was Rey.

She didn’t hate him, she loved him.

The feelings he had for so long, now didn’t just resurface, they _intensified_. He didn’t want to say he was intoxicated or he was suddenly feeling like a completely different person, because finally he knew his true destiny. He felt like he is still the very same person, but there was that something inside him, telling him that no, he was changing and changing and he actually wanted it.

 _Ben Solo_ was a pile of an anxious insecurities ― _Kylo Ren_ was an embittered pile of rage.

And they were really the one person, the opposing polarities he never could balance within himself.

He just always lacked the strength to be his true self.

And he knew that Rey was right.

They couldn’t lie and hide it from the world.

It was only a matter of time and now –

Kylo caught himself asking how he, Kylo, should behave? Did he – as Kylo Ren – have a particular pattern of behavior? The pattern of speech? Gestures?

And if he was starting to question how he should act to not raise suspicion, it meant he was becoming self-aware. And really, there was nothing worse than self-awareness, to be honest.

He got used to spending evenings of a racing week with his part of the team. He liked this side of F1; being with his engineers, mechanics actually truly made him feel he is a part of the team. He enjoyed those rather mundane tasks: helping them unpack and assemble the car, helping them pack it back after a race was over. Kylo liked those long hours when the night seemed to be hourless and tasted of double espresso; he liked it because it had the kind of privacy and anonymity he desperately lacked. The monotony of analyzing the data, the strategy; the track was empty with silence, illuminated only by the artificial lights of the team’s boxes creeping in long light-beams across the pit lane.

However, no amount of coffee and work of this world would save him from longing.

‘Kylo, are you okay?’

He blinked, hearing Parnadee’s voice. He realised he is holding the nose of the car, staring into the distance.

‘Yes… _yes_ ’ he said. ‘I am… just… thinking.’

[too much thoughts actually]

[Rey, Luke, Snoke, Dameron –

His mother.

 _Father_ ]

‘We have a long day tomorrow, you should go sleep’ he heard Parnadee say as she started typing on the laptop. ‘We will be okay without you.’

Kylo put down the nose of the car on the floor; the black livery of his car shone reflecting the fluorescent lights of the box.

‘But -‘

‘No’ Parnadee shook her head. ‘You know Snokovich, he wants his drivers perfectly prepared. But by being prepared, he also means…’

‘Well-rested’ Kylo finished and sighed. ‘I know.’

His drivers, his drivers, he repeated as he was going to his motorhome, the ersatz of the real home he never had.

The paddock as empty and he was empty too.

Kylo opened the door, got inside and closed his eyes, leaning on the door.

A month.

And he was going slowly, but undoubtedly, crazy.

It was easier to miss people knowing they were really gone than knowing they were just few trucks away.

[a month.]

He knew that Rey and him about this, that it would be temporary an yet –

It felt already like eternity.

He knew he shouldn’t say his job was getting boring or it was easy peasy lemon squeezy, because when life was giving you lemons, they could not be only squeezed to make lemonade, but they could be squeezed directly into your eyes. And Kylo knew with his luck that he shouldn’t say it’s just getting repetitive and boring , but –

Austrian GP, he could spot Rey somewhere among the red ocean of Skywalker Ferrari crew. There wasn’t much to say, actually. He won the Austrian Grand Prix. With over 12 seconds lead over Hux. Third was, of course, Dameron. And Later seeing the final results, he saw Rey came in 4th place and he felt... some kind of indescribable frustration.

He was aware of Poe watching him when they waited before going to the podium. Kylo knew that his adopted brother probably has him on his “to kill” list, but he couldn’t help, but think that despite winning the title last year, Dameron didn’t change much. And Kylo knew that Poe cares deeply about Rey. Maybe they would somehow find the middle ground, maybe.

Maybe he was naïve, but he had hope.

He wasn’t so sure about his uncle, though.

He knew he wasn’t blameless and he just wanted to make things right. Not only for Rey or his mother –

But would Luke and Poe do the same?

[It wasn’t enough. ]

Kylo knew Rey and him were just thieves. They were stealing time to be together and it felt so wrongfully right, when it shouldn’t have. And he was slowly getting desperate, because… it wasn’t enough. He was sure he feels her long after she was gone; he dreamt about her, about all of the _what ifs_ of the nebulous future and he felt it: he was so in love he was feeling it was breaking him apart all over again.

After Austria, the next race was British Grand Prix.

They met in the same place again, a week after Austria, just before Silverstone and those seven days lead him into strange state, mundane state of delirium. Rey was close, so close to him, fucking Silverstone was literally within a (silver)stone throw away from Brackley and they… they had just an hour, if not less, together.

They both knew they couldn’t stay as long as they wished. Rey had her own responsibilities; Skywalker Ferrari had second, “English” headquarters in Enstone and he had to attend a new engineering meeting. His desperation was increasing as he realized they wouldn’t meet for the next few weeks actually, apart from some stolen moments and glances.

He was looking into the distance; the skies over Oxfordshire were white as the sheets of paper, carte blanche of Rey’s past he had no idea how to fill, when he heard Rey’s whisper.

‘It’s only about… you, to be honest.’

‘So what’s the truth?’ he asked.

Rey, who was sitting on the thickly-moss covered root of an old oak, stood up.

‘Luke in general…’ she shook her head. ‘I know he’s my… father in a way… but I can’t stop thinking something bad is happening to him.’

Kylo frowned.

‘And it’s not even only him…’ Rey looked at him, her lips curling in one of the most beautiful of saddest smiles he had ever seen.

‘When uncle…. Han died and you left… we all broke’ she said. ‘In different ways. I focused on racing and… I denied everything… I was running away… because it’s all I knew.’

‘That’s why I… I know… that we have to break this cycle, Ben’ she knelt down to him and met his gaze. ‘This family suffered enough.’

And was there a way to break this cycle?

He _hoped_ there was.

Hours later, his lips shivered as he would touch his mouth, still feeling the strawberry lipstick Rey used.

However, he also felt the watchful gaze of two men: Snoke and Palpatine.

Kylo could be a leader of Driver’s Championship and god, Mercedes could be the leader of the Constructor’s one, but still –

There was pressure. That pressure to _perfom_. To win. They always had to win. Kylo didn’t want to remember last year Singapore, because god, Snoke didn’t forget it, he would never forgive him and Hux for it.

If they didn’t crash, Dameron wouldn’t win a title and Snoke didn’t let them forget about it. But Kylo found himself actually… being disillusioned with the idea of him being a world champion.

Did he ever wanted to be a world champion?

Actually no.

And every day he would see the news of him being possibly the first American driver since legendary Phill Hill to win it and he wanted to laugh.

Imposter.

Usurper.

He was a racing driver who really didn’t care that much if he won the title. And actually, he was pretty sure he would lose a seat next season as he knew there was something Rey had no idea about.

He was planning to tell Snoke to fuck off, one way or another.

The contracts were usually signed during the summer break and he really did not plan to be in F1 next year.

After all, F1 wasn’t the only racing series in the world.

And maybe… he would stop being a racing driver altogether.

Rey would say he lost his mind. Maybe he did. But it was either this or living a lie. He had to do this.

It was time for doing the right thing. To start anew.

Kylo opened his eyes; his smart watch was showing him 10:40 pm and he was already tired. He usually spent those evenings doing some light workout and reading a book or listening to music.

He went up, thinking he really want to sleep, but definitely caffeine was still keeping him up and -

Kylo froze.

Few feet away from him, on his small dining table he usually ate, there was a bouquet of red roses.

His lips twitched and he took a shaky deep breath.

One, two, three steps. He slowly reached for the flowers, feeling the almost mind-blowing intoxication. Their scent was thick, so dense, rich, strong and _sweet_ it seemed unreal.

He gently brushed the scarlet petals, how silken and soft they were under his touch.

He didn’t understand. Only person who had access to his motorhome was Mitaka, so his assistant had to be the one who left them here. If it was something bad, he wouldn’t see it. So his assistant had to check it and make sure it’s safe.

Part of him knew , hoped, from whom these roses were. It was simple. Really simple. But he couldn’t be sure.

His fingers searched the ocean of crimson until –

There was a note, on small black thick paper.

Why he was so nervous?

He opened it, his hands shaking, too big, too clumsy and –

Kylo held his breath.

The red mark of lipstick, undeniable in shape, encrusted the black paper. He could see the every line of the lips, the line where the lips pressed.

And under it, written in golden ink:

_Yours, Vega._

His heart stopped.

She remembered.

_(‘Rey Király’ he said. ‘The future brightest star of Formula 1.’)_

Rey remembered.

Kylo laughed quietly, to himself, feeling the relief, but waves of pure love that seemed to radiates from his chest.

He always wondered if Rey even cared about this little change he did on his star map, the time when he was completely obsessed with astronomy. His father was a pilot, but Kylo dreamed of stars, even if the brightest one wasn’t the one of the vault of the heaven, but was his uncle’s adopted daughter.

Without hesitation he pressed his lips to the lipstick imprint.

[he imagined Rey, putting the red lipstick, the one she wore for the gala, pressing her lips to the paper. Who knew, maybe she even giggled, thinking it’s stupid.]

[he would cup her face and tell her it is not and kiss her lips over and over again]

He buried his face in the swan’s-down of rose petals, breathing them in deeply, so deeply he felt the shudder marking his spine. He felt the delicate, but unmistakable perfume of what was just Rey’s – and Kylo knew now how she smells like, how her blush feels under his lips, how she tastes like –

_Fuck it._

He grabbed his keys from the sofa.

The paddock, as he predicted, was quiet and desolate; Kylo felt a shiver going down his spine, when he looked around; the night was chilly, even when it was summer and he was pretty sure it would rain tomorrow.

It was Britain after all.

This quasi kiss only filled this heart with even more aching longing for Rey. He knew that he shouldn’t, but, the paddock was almost empty. What was the possibility of someone seeing him was low.

And he had to.

He passed some of the Mercedes FO’s trucks, the white lights reflecting in their black surfaces. He stopped, hidden in the shadow, seeing two men- probably mechanics, who, he was guessing, likely just ended their work.

He looked for rosso corsa, racing red.

More, he looked for one specific motorhome.

God, probably Rey would end up killing him.

He sneaked among the moving shadows, he was between them, embraced by them; his heart beating faster and faster in his chest.

The lights in the back of the Skywalker Ferrari garage were still on, the shard, silver of the light on the black asphalt of the paddock that was blackened by two elongated sharp flat creatures

‘Are you sure?’

‘… I don’t… know.’

Kylo froze.

Still hiding in the dark, Kylo glanced with the corners of his eyes.

His heart stopped.

No, he wasn’t mistaken.

His lips were dry as he watched his mother standing at the entry of the Skywalker Ferrari box. She was wearing only a pullover and Kylo couldn’t help but notice she was shivering; but he wasn’t sure if it was from emotions or the cold.

Either way, he knew what he should do now – go to her and wrap his arms around her.

But he couldn’t.

Even if he wanted, there was that invisible, impassable line which he couldn’t cross.

Not yet, he thought.

In few months, he would be free. Probably with completely destroyed reputation and no future in racing, but he knew life wasn’t about racing.

His mother shook her head as the other woman – Holdo, Amilyn Holdo, he corrected himself – put a hand on her shoulder.

His mother sighed deeply.

‘We don’t have facts, Amilyn’ she said and her whisper was chiller than the cold of the night.

‘Nothing. And FIA… has nothing. We can’t do anything, because Mercedes’ engine… basically doesn’t bridge any rules.’

‘Basically.’

_Basically._

Kylo blinked.

W-what?

He knew that his mother was a well-respected team principal and she was a rival to Mercedes FO, but if she was talking about their engine, his engine… breaching some FIA’s rules…

No. Mercedes always had good engine. The best. But even now Kylo couldn’t help, but say that gap between them and their rivals was suspiciously big.

No. No, no, no –

His breathing became quicker; he felt dizzy. He didn’t want to hear it, because the seed, the seed of this thought was already sown.

‘Our informant says they… have something. But... it’s not… enough to even…’

‘How did they do this, Leia…? How…?’

‘This is a new technology and…’

Kylo couldn’t listen to it.

He fell deeper and deeper into the shadows, seeing Leia and Holdo changing into the point of light in the void. He felt the coldness of the metal under his fingers as his heart beat too fast, too fast and he wanted to vomit –

Kylo loved winning. He loved racing.

But it was like… Canada. Races weren’t won by penalties.

Races weren’t won by frauds.

He closed his eyes, pressing his forehead to the cool metal.

[it couldn’t be true, it didn’t have to

_Would your mother lie?_

She did lie to you

_She changed._

_You changed._ ]

He shivered now too. He couldn’t stand the thought that all of his wins, this season could be –

And he couldn’t just go to Snoke and ask him.

He could be silent, yes. He knew if not for any dramatic accident, this season he would be crowned a world champion.

But if it was true…

He raised his head.

The sky above him, the summer sky – the stars glistening like the iron filings. Maybe if he uses a magnet he would gather them all.

His heart was now so heavy, like iron itself.

Could he say that to Rey? He wasn’t sure. She would get mad for him, for being a cheater. She was a true racer, not the one like him, who got into racing to not disappoint his family. But he didn’t know, he didn’t know if he really was a cheater, but –

Another lie. White lies.

Rey was right.

Hiding the truth would consume them.

And he was already eaten by it.

Only after a minute he realized he came to the place of his destination; even in the dark he could recognize the red livery of Rey’s motorhome. He stepped back, feeling his hands shivering, trembling.

He looked up.

Rey stared at him, wide-eyed, mouth agape, through the window.

He was breathless.

She watched him for some seconds till she blinked; she turned her head and Kylo saw her smiling and saying something.

She wasn’t alone –

she disappeared.

Kylo gulped.

‘Just… give me 10 minutes, uncle’ he heard. ‘I’ll see if the canteen is still open, so I’ll get you something.’

‘Ask them if they have milk, kid.’

Luke’s voice was low and sharp and made his heart beat even faster. So, he was here. Of course he was here. It was Britain Grand Prix and Luke lived nearby. Maybe Sky Sports asked him for an interview, because Luke Skywalker was a hermit after all, so his every appearance during any race weekend was almost legendary.

The loud clash of slamming the door. Kylo closed his eyes.

[his heart, his heart – 

‘Ben… Kylo...?’

He shook his head; he felt her presence long before she touched his face. He tightened his eyes, his lips, because he just –

‘What happened?’ he heard. ‘You… you didn’t like my roses –‘

He didn’t let her finish; he pressed his lips to hers.

*******

Rey didn’t know she could be so tired. But maybe she did. She did intense works outs, she met with the engineers, she actually didn’t have time for herself at all. In addition, her adoptive father was acting overly, suspiciously _fatherly_ towards her.

She was sure he won’t come to the next race. To say Luke grew disillusioned with F1 was not enough. He liked living on his island in the sea of Oxfordshire hills and pretend he is not really Luke Skywalker, F1 legend and F1 world champion. Rey sometimes had a feeling he also pretended she’s not really a driver, but her “work” is just a temporary thing and she’s… a child.

She was used to travelling alone; she had Leia with her, especially now, when she was Skywalker Ferrari driver. Rey wouldn’t say Luke was a strict parent; she was the one who was more strict towards herself than actually him and Leia were. Because Rey wanted to show them that way she loves them, she wanted to show them she cares. And they proposed things that would be “good” for her and her prospective “career” (as Rey knew they discussed about enrolling her to Richmond or even better Oxford, but Leia shushed Luke by telling him 3 years of no-racing or racing and studying would be too much for Rey).

And Rey was really grateful. Because she knew that if they decided that she would go, she would go.

She would do anything for them, even if that would kill her.

[Kylo always pointed that out.]

However, for the past few years, when Rey was focused on her junior career and especially now, when she was in F1, Luke just let her be. He was present in her life, but they spent less time - of course they had their quality time, when they would watch Top Gear or Cathphrase, when she would go karting with him or help him in the garden or in the stables, but that was all.

But now, she could feel his eyes on her and _something_ more.

So, his decision to accompany her during Silverstone weekend was surprising and totally not surprising at all.

On the one hand, Rey was happy about it. Maybe it was good Luke would go out. He needed to talk to the people and she was sure he spends already too much time with Chewie and his horses. Of course, it meant he would have to give several interviews for TV, but he was _Luke Skywalker_. He had to deal with it.

And maybe some of that “dealing” would make him remember people still love and admire him. Maybe he would also talk with Leia, he would see how much work they put into the racing and in general, they would have some quality time as a father and daughter.

On the other hand, Rey didn’t predict being with her adoptive father for a longer period of time would leave her… so irritated?

And strangled.

And mainly because, apparently, talking to her adoptive father could be really draining.

They arrived at the track on Wednesday morning. The whole journey didn’t even last an hour; she wanted to drive the car and in the end, she regretted it. Luke would constantly point at the way she changed gears ( _too abruptly_ ) and how she was taking corners ( _you don’t have to take them so late, it’s not an F1 track, Rey_ ) and even had the audacity to say she actually drives too slow and well, it was Rey’s breaking point.

‘Firstly, uncle’ she said proudly. ‘That’s a Ferrari 488. It’s not a car. It’s _the car_. V8 engine, 0–62 mph in 3.0 seconds. This is a sports car and I can assure you, if I handle SF19, this is nothing.’

‘But –‘

‘It’s my car’ she added impudently. She could see Luke in the passenger sit, dressed in his khaki pants, shirt and flannel shirt.

‘I know how to drive it.’

‘Rey –‘

‘No’ she shook her head.

‘But you have no idea what I want to say –‘

‘It’s been 30 minutes and I heard enough’ she muttered.

‘I know you you think you know better than me, but there are things that I know I know better and there’s nothing bad about it’ she added. ‘I don’t say that to disrespect you. But these new cars… need a different handling than the ones you are used to.’

She changed the gear as she saw another village; Silverstone track was only 15 minutes away and she already knew she would ask Rose for some decaf coffee.

‘And I don’t mean the ones you drove back in F1’ Rey added much quieter.

She felt a bit bad that she snapped at her adoptive father, but she knew there was no other way. And his remarks were slowly, but persistently, literally, _driving her i n s a n_ e.

She tapped her fingers at the steering wheel.

‘So, I will –‘ she saw Luke pointing at the radio with the corner of her eye. ‘Maybe music.’

She didn’t say anything, focusing on the road instead.

A next second she heard a song from the radio.

‘Oh, they’re playing “This is the life” by Amy Macdonald’ Luke muttered.

Rey didn’t even look at him; she was silent.

She knew her behaviour was now making him uncomfortable for the way he was stealing glances at her. And the truth was, maybe she wanted to make him uncomfortable.

Rey had been always an obeying, dutiful child and apart from that one “accident” with Ben eight years ago, she didn’t do anything that would be considered as “disrespectful”.

If he really had known what she was thinking and what she had done in the past weeks.

However, maybe she was irritated not only at his remarks, but also the way he treated her, Leia, Poe and Kylo all these years. And they let him.

Rey knew Luke is not a bad man, no, but wasn’t he prejudiced?

Or maybe he was afraid of a failure.

She knew Luke would be the hardest one to convince that Kylo changed.

Was Kylo the only one who changed?

No.

They all changed.

And Luke did change too.

The problem wasn’t just him – the problem laid within each of them.

‘Are you… are you mad at me…?’

His voice was quiet, unsure, just a bit louder than a rhythmic of a folk song on the radio and Scottish voice.

Rey took a deep breath.

‘No… and _yes_ ’ her voice sounded different.

Luke was silent, but the silence between them was tense.

‘I know you want to help me, but the way you give your remarks…’ Rey whispered; she shook her head. ‘It makes them sound more like critique than anything helpful… _uncle._ ’

She turned her head to him for a moment, before looking at the road again.

But she remembered his face: stunned, surprised.

‘Yeah, _uncle_ , that’s the truth’ she muttered. ‘I’m sorry I snapped at you, but seriously, I… I couldn’t… I _can’t_ stand it anymore.’

Luke was quiet.

‘I’m not a child to be scolded anymore’ she said. ‘I’m not. Please acknowledge this. I’m an adult now.’

‘No, no… it’s good’ he said quietly. ‘Maybe… I was scolding you a bit. I had no idea you would read me this way.’

‘I understand.’

‘And I know… you’re not a child, but for me…’

He sighed deeply.

‘I just want the best for you. For you to be… the best.’

[that’s why you wrote off Ben’s racing career even before it started?]

‘And how do you know what’s best for me?’ Rey asked.

Her voiced echoed in the echoes of the engine and her stopping at the lights. Rey sat still, feeling something new – defiance.

She remembered those tense days when Ben was rebelling against Luke after they said they didn’t see a future for him in racing and he should focus on engineering or anything else; Poe always had it easier in a way, because he had the natural talent and he wasn’t a Skywalker , he was seen as his father’s son, Kes Dameron’s son than the adopted son of Leia Organa.

And Rey, she felt she had to be perfect daughter to balance everything. To ease the constant tension between Luke, Leia, Han and Ben.

Those were the days, when she would feel Ben’s eyes on her and she knew that his anger is not only directed at his mother, father and uncle, but his anger was also directed at her as well.

She knew what he wanted and –

She couldn’t give it to him.

Not when she would have to lose herself. and not when she knew he did love her, yes, but it was wrong. She wasn’t ready. Neither was he.

That’s why Rey knew those 8 years, but this last months were a breakthrough of self-discovery for her. It wasn’t easy, she knew she had a lot to work through, but in this moment –

She felt that defiance, that crazy spark of her knowing she can defy anything.

That she can defy Luke – her uncle, her _father_ – and she would do it.

‘Han would say I’m getting grumpier.’

Rey took a deep breath.

_Han._

She remembered the sincere face of her other uncle, the already greying streaks in the dark hair and Rey thought, would Han be now all grey-white-haired?

She loved uncle Han, not in a different way than she loved Leia or Luke. Han was just different. He was a racer in his own way and on his own terms; and he loved to tinker with old cars, now mostly stored in the garages in Oxhead. He would always give her the hugs she needed, because Luke wouldn’t hug her that so she lacked breath and Rey knew that -

\- sometimes you needed a hug that hurt, because you knew that person didn’t want to let you go.

‘Ya see, Rey-mey’ Han held her high, to help her see what’s underneath of the car’s bonnet. ‘That’s an engine, that’s battery, compressor…’

Uncle Han loved teaching her about the car parts. He would sneak sweets for her and usually he worked on the karts before the race. She wondered what he would say now, what he would say seeing her and everyone now. Rey missed him, but also missing him was indissoluble with feeling of all-encompassing melancholia.

And also, with all-compassing cold logic and detachment she learnt when Han died and Ben left.

And it's what was happening now, at the mention of Han; Rey felt her heart harden with logical coldness she knew too well.

She caught her reflection in the mirror. Mirror-Rey replied with a stern look and pursed lips; but she raised an eyebrows, like –

Yes, what will you do now, Rey?

_Do it._

Part of her wanted to bite back, say something that would hurt Luke. She even had the perfect riposte and she opened her mouth, but –

[don’ do it, kid

You’ll regret it]

Past was the past.

They couldn’t change it.

But they could change _the now._

‘Well, you’re a grumpy old man, after all’ she heard herself say.

Luke sat in silence, realizing her allusion just after some seconds.

‘I knew I shouldn’t have let you watch this movie’ he said. ‘You’re now using it against me.’

Rey laughed quietly, although everything rebelled in her against it.

‘Well, uncle’ she said. ‘You’re _my_ grumpy old man and I love… you.’

The coldness in her heart melted; she couldn’t look at him after she said those words. The radio host was saying words she really didn’t understand and she –

‘And I love you too, Reymont’ she heard Luke say. ‘Even though I was probably the worst parent to ever exist and –‘

‘Leia told me why you didn’t give me your surname’ she muttered coldly.

Another piece of radio silence sailed on the waves between them. And it sailed and sailed.

Luke took a deep breath.

‘I’m sorry, we thought about it when we were taking you from Hungary, but – ‘

‘I understand’ Rey whispered. ‘You didn’t want to take away my real surname.’

‘And your… past.’

The past she had buried deep under the ocean of denial?

‘You’re already the greatest Skywalker of us all’ Luke added.

Rey couldn’t say why those words made her flinch; it wasn’t the way Luke said them, like she was finally “Rey Skywalker” or she was really his biological daughter.

But it wasn’t about greatness, actually.

She didn’t want to be great – because with greatness, happiness didn’t always come in hand.

And what about Poe? Ben?

Did Luke even consider Ben a Skywalker?

So they arrived at the track in that bizarre mood; Rey was still feeling imbalanced, irritated as Luke was greeted by Leia. Tomorrow would be Thursdays and Thursdays were always the media day, but Rey just wanted to enjoy the rather nice weather; the sun, the whole atmosphere of such historic track Silverstone was; it was, after all, the cradle of the F1.

However, as she ate lunch in Skywalker Ferrari’s hospitality, of course with Leia, Luke and Poe, who actually was on the phone for 95% of their lunch apart from 5% when Luke asked him to put it away.

Rey would see the members of the other teams; the papaya orange of McLaren, the white-red of Alfa Romeo, the pinks of Racing Points and also, the black and silver of Mercedes FO.

‘This week we will be testing the new areo package’ Leia said and her voice, though happy, seemed strained. Rey looked down at her plate, rice and chicken and curry.

‘Poe gets the rear wing, Rey the front one…’

She watched her family, her uncle, adopted father, her aunt, who was her mother in every way. She watched Poe, the way he smiled and sighed deeply and she knew he was exasperated because he couldn’t check his phone.

When did she learn the every line, wrinkle and quirks of those people? How these people – random at last, a coincidental – became her family? How she came to know them? She'd known them her whole life, but did she really know them?

She felt she sees then for the first time.

And also, their family wasn’t complete.

Kylo should be by Leia’s side.

When she thought about him, her eyes wandered at the flowers standing on the table.

‘Rey?’

‘Yes, Luke should get a glimpse inside the garage’ she said.

She raised her head and smiled.

‘Maybe this time you won’t kick him out, aunt’ she added.

Poe laughed at this remark; everybody knew perfectly well how grumpy Luke was when Leia didn’t let him into secret facilities in Maranello.

Rose didn’t ask why there was a bouquet of roses in Rey’s motorhome, even though Rey could see the questions in her spokeswoman’s eyes. Rose presented her with her weekend’s schedule, which was later plastered to the white wall with cell tape.

Rey always brought her makeup set with her; the minimal make up, bb cream, mascara, eyebrow pencil, lipsticks – usually nudes, some browns, rarely reds.

She could wear Skywalker Ferrari red, but wearing red lipstick was making her feel like a stranger in her own body, too exposed. She didn’t yet feel like yet comfortable with her own femininity.

She knew it was part of the shame that was connected with it. She remembered her first period – she was 9 and seeing blood on her underwear shocked her. Luke was even more overwhelmed than her; later was a phone call, Luke’s startled voice as he talked with Leia, because Rey’s sudden start of puberty left him completely shocked.

Be a lady, but never see red.

Rey was seeing red every month.

Be a lady, but never _wear_ red.

Rey remembered that day, when she was still buzzing with adrenaline after her first win-but-not win race. She wore red, because red was all she had been seeing. After all she still remembered how Kylo rejected her and their spectacular, spacetime-breaking first kiss.

His hands on her body, matching every nook, every curve with the excellence like they were made for each other. By studying, analysing, learning his body she was learning about herself as well.

In the no-silence of faded voiced and gray silence and heavy breath, Rey put slowly the red Gosh lipstick on the line of her lips.

When she finished, she looked at her reflection.

The eyes of mirror-Rey were dark.

She unfolded the black paper and she closed her eyes as she pressed her lips to the paper.

[I love you, she thought]

A hidden, secret kiss.

Rey had no idea how much time will need to pass till they would kiss for real.

She brushed it off the very second she put the note away. She covered her lips – and any trace of red – with her usual Burt’s Bees peony lipstick. Safe. Conservative.

She left her motorhome as the sunset was falling like tulle upon the paddock; she knew what she planned to do and –

Oh god.

She really had to have more luck than sense.

‘I’m sorry, so sorry, I just –‘

The man fell silent seeing her.

‘ _Oh._ ’

Rey straightened up and smiled.

‘It’s okay’ she said. ‘Actually it’s a funny coincidence, I was looking for you… Mr…’

The man took a deep breath.

‘Mitaka’ he introduced himself. ‘Dopheld Mitaka.’

‘Kylo Ren’s spokesman’ Rey whispered.

The man winced.

‘More a personal assistant, to be honest’ he said and then laughed awkwardly. ‘Why… can I.. ask why were you looking for me?’

He was kicking his heels, Rey could clearly see how uncomfortable he was. Maybe he was busy and she was interrupting his work. She felt a bit bad she was stooping to a lie and a ploy.

His eyes fell on the roses she was holding. Rey followed his eyes.

‘Oh, yes’ she was the one who laughed now. ‘I’m pretty sure flower mail made a mistake, because these roses are meant for Ren, not for me.’

There was heavy silence after she said those words. Mitaka stared at her, not blinking for some seconds, then blinking with the speed of lighting like he processed what she just said.

‘For… Kylo’ he said.

Rey kept a poker face.

‘Yes.’

The man looked at her, then at roses. Then again at her and then again at roses. And then again and again.

‘Those are… _roses_.’

‘I’m aware’ she said.

‘He’s a man.’

‘I had no idea he’s a man’ she couldn’t stop herself. ‘I don’t want to be mean, really, but they aren’t for me. And he’s a man, so what, that means he cannot get flowers?’

‘But –‘

Rey didn’t let him finish.

‘Please’ she said. ‘I don’t want to make him mad because somehow the flowers from his… secret lover or something ended up in my motorhome.’

She could see even more shock washing over Mitaka’s face. Rey tried to stop herself from smiling, but she knew she hit the spot.

‘I don’t want to make him mad and I’m sure you don’t want it too, so for the sake of both of us, please, put the flowers where they should be.’

Mitaka nodded.

‘Y-yes, of course, I will… I’ll do it…’

‘Splendid!’ Rey pushed the flowers into his arms. ‘Thank you so much.’

She turned on her heel and she didn’t look back; she was sure she would bottle it.

Did he get her flowers? She hoped so, she knew that probably he would, but she still was getting anxious. Which was really, from logical point of view, illogical. And what did he think then? What if he didn’t like them? And maybe she offended him and he thought she was pretentious?

She remembered those beautiful roses that ended in the bin in Bahrain and she felt anger; the beauty of flowers was ephemeral, but Poe didn’t even –

‘Rey?’

Oh yes, she forgot.

She wasn’t alone in her motorhome.

Luke came in few minutes ago, he still smelt of the garage; that distinctive smell of a tyres and slickness. His paddock pass laid besides him and Rey thought that they should have taken Chewie with them – however she knew that Chewie felt better being able to run around the garden than being in the paddock. Catchphrase Celebrity Special played in the background on her tablet and Luke and her watched it with the corner of their eyes.

‘You seem…’

‘Distracted’ she said. ‘I’m thinking.’

Luke frowned.

‘If you’re still thinking about cycles, because when you were gone I did some reading and… actually –‘

‘No, I’m thinking about muesli. I’m hungry’ Rey said.

Luke blinked.

‘Oh’ he whispered.

Rey really appreciated he was trying, but she was tired and she was still slightly irritated with him. She stood up; her eyes of their own volition fell sideways on the window.

Was she…?

No.

She opened her mouth, feeling breathless as her heart skipped a beat.

She wasn’t mistaken.

Kylo stared at her, the light of inside of her motorhome silvering and gilding the line of his features. She knew something happened; it wasn’t even the way he looked or the way he looked at her.

She didn’t understand – was it her fault? Did something else happen? Why he was here – risking under Snokovich’s watchful eyes.

Kylo gulped, she could see the plea and desperation –

‘Reymont?’

Rey blinked; she looked at Luke.

‘I should get myself some tea for sleep’ she said with a smile.

Her stomach was twisting as she went to the door.

‘Just… give me 10 minutes, uncle’ he heard. ‘I’ll see if the canteen is still open, so I’ll get you something.’

She didn’t yet see Kylo, but she heard Luke say:

‘Ask them if they have milk, kid.’

Rey stepped down and closed the door behind her.

It took few seconds to notice the silhouette of Kylo in the thickness of the darkness; but he stood few meters away from her, unmoving, with closed eyes and she just -

‘Ben… Kylo...?’

She came to him; he shook his head, when her hand cupped his face.

‘What happened?’ she whispered. Her voice betrayed her; she was alarmed.

Kylo was shaken-up, trembling like an aspen leaf under her touch.

She had seen him like this once –

‘You…’ she wasn’t even sure what she was saying for anxiety rising inside her with bile in her throat. ‘ You didn’t like my roses –‘

And before she finished her sentence, Ben kissed her.

The kiss was desperate and hungry, yet unsure and gentle. And that was it; one touch and the languor came back. Her lips yielded under his as his kiss deepened, her too and both seemed to even forget to breathe; Rey felt the relief washing over her, wave after wave of peace and need, yearning she harboured for days.

Kylo’s hand ended on her waist. Part of her, more logical Rey, yelled in the back of her head, that they had to stop, because something was wrong and –

‘Are you okay?’ she said, breaking away from him.

His lips followed her, but she moved even further.

Her eyes found his; he still had his hand clenched on her waist and she felt his emotions, coming from him, like a lethal radiation.

Rey had a bad feeling about this.

‘ _Ben_ ’ she whispered.

His eye twitched when she said his name; Rey put a hand on his and weaved her fingers with his.

Slowly their interlocked hands fell down.

Kylo took a deep breath.

‘It’s not… roses, Rey’ he muttered.

He sounded so muffled, so strained. His voice was deeper than usual; Rey felt a shiver going down her spine.

‘I love them, Rey, I love –‘

‘I wanted you to have them. For the ones in Bahrain’ she whispered.

Kylo looked at her – and she was breathless.

Rey could see the way his lips trembled, the unmistakable fluorescence appeared in his eyes, the kaleidoscopic prismatic refraction of a flesh and a soul.

‘I know’ he said. ‘But I just.. I’ll…’

He stepped back.

‘Kylo –‘ Rey said.

‘Stop!’

The voice echoed in the night.

Rey’s eyes widened, body froze -

Kylo’s eyes and hers met.

[they had been there.

8 years ago.

[A cycle?

 _A cycle_.]

Rey gulped.

[her heart, her heart, _bump, bump, thump, thump –_

silence]

And slowly turned around.

Luke seemed to be a dark figure surrounded in the golden aura of the interior of her motorhome. He stepped down as the features of a man Rey knew disappeared, blurred.

Her adoptive father, with his stern face, deep furrow, appeared like a grotesque, fearsome figure from her nightmares.

[Rey didn’t want to lie.]

She felt the primal, the most primaeval fear she tasted once in her life.

[That fear tasted of tragedy and pain.]

Kylo’s breath was short with fear they both shared.

[one, two, three breaths]

/Rey’s heart slowed down/

She unclenched her fists –

and looked straight into Luke’s eyes.

‘Stop. _What_?’ she asked, voice cold.

Luke came closer.

‘What is _he_ –‘

Rey bit her lip.

‘- _doing here._ ’

She looked behind her.

Kylo was still, wide-eyed, paled-faced.

[don’t run, she said with her eyes]

Kylo took a deep breath, he furrowed his brows.

‘He was passing’ Rey replied, looking again at Luke.

She couldn’t pinpoint the moment when she felt it – this icy, cold, yet fierce passion within herself. She felt the echo of their argument from the morning, but was it? The defiance?

She was defying her father and she knew she would protect Kylo, her own rights no matter what.

Her adoptive father came closer and closer, another cavernous step by step, not taking eyes off her.

‘Rey, don’t lie.’

His voice was low, calm, but under the surface of its composure Rey could hear monition – more, she could hear _reprehension_.

‘I am not… lying’ she lied.

Luke looked at her.

‘Kid –‘

‘I’m not a “kid”, uncle’ Rey stopped him.

Her adoptive father frowned, lost.

‘Reymont, you cannot be serious –‘

‘Do I look like I’m joking?’ she countered.

She felt the anger rising within her; the same spark that incandesced within her since their argument in the morning.

Or not.

[She knew that the truth laid deeper.

She was mad at Luke for years.]

‘Maybe I’ll go –‘ she heard Kylo’s breaking voice behind her.

‘No. You’ she turned to Kylo. ‘You stay. You –‘

She pointed at Luke.

‘I told you that Kylo deserves a second chance.’

Luke sighed deeply and put hands on his hips.

‘I can’t believe it, here we go again –‘

‘What do you mean “here we go again”?’ Rey countered.

She folded her arms and looked down at Luke.

‘It’s not what you think it is’ she said.

Luke rolled his eyes.

‘I’ll tell you what it is, kid. The end of your career’ Luke’s voice was full of venom. ‘Rey, last time he used you.’

Rey laughed.

‘He _never_ used me –‘

‘And you… you’re meeting with him in secret –‘

‘Leave… leave her alone.’

Rey for a moment was lost in his sight; his profile, sharp, now consisting of sharp bright lines. His hand was almost touching her stomach, he was partly shielding her from Luke.

He tried to defend her, just how he did, 8 years ago.

When he didn’t know she would be the one to hit him.

Rey felt the sting of guilt in her heart.

‘I was just passing’ his voice was strong.

He looked at her and her lips, agape, were dry. His brown eyes shone with luminous intensity of lambency. 

‘And I would…. I would never, ever use her’ Ben added, turning away to look at Luke . ‘I wanted too much, yes. But I would rather… kill myself than do anything against her will.’

Rey’s heart stopped.

[Leia’s words.

Like an echo.]

She knew Kylo is telling the truth as each word he uttered was silvered with permeant sincerity. And it was painful, the truth was so painful, no, dolorous, Rey could feel her heart break apart again and again.

Kylo stared at Luke and she took a deep breath. His fear, this fear, Kylo was pulsating with it, but he still fought against it.

They shared the old blame and now, they were sharing a secret, a new, an old secret – old flame reignited; their hearts shivered with it, they shivered with the fear of condemnation, the same condemnation Eve and Adam felt confronting God.

There was cold panic, short of breath and heart beating so fast, heart racing –

However, since her fear did her no good, Rey ceased to be afraid.

‘He was just passing’ she said.

She looked at Luke. She moved forward, reaching to move Ben’s hand. She wanted to take it, hold it, but she knew it would only enrage Luke more.

Therefore, she only moved it gently, meeting Kylo’s eyes.

 _Let me talk_ , she said with her eyes.

She was calm, she was so calm, she wasn’t even surprised.

A little frown appeared between his brows.

 _Trust me,_ she added. _I can do it._

He had to understand her, somehow, as though they were connected.

Rey waited.

Kylo took a deep breath and nodded.

Rey turned to Luke, standing upright.

‘Passing’ she repeated firmly. ‘ _Just_ passing.’

Luke tilted his head.

'And why he would “pass by” at this hour?’ he asked.

Rey was just about to answer, when –

‘I was coming back from the garage’ Ben said.

Rey looked at him, surprised.

His face was deadpan; he looked so resigned, tired – he closed his eyes and shook his head.

‘I work… with my team’ he added. ‘I… help them. With some basic… repairs and unpacking… packing the car.’

Rey blinked.

She shouldn’t be surprised – Ben always loved tinkering with cars, but she was sure it was more of a way to bond with his father as Han would repair their karts before trainings and races.

But him helping his team, she imagined Ben talking and just trying to be a part of a team, not just a driver.

‘You’re… helping the team?’ Luke asked in disbelief and his words brought her back to reality.

Kylo shrugged.

‘I do what I can. Mostly I… act like… an elevator to move heavier things around.’

Rey felt her lips curl into a small smile – because even if Kylo’s tone was dry, jaded, she just knew he was cracking the joke for the way he glanced at her with a flicker in his eye.

‘What can I say?’ Kylo sighed, now definitely theatrically. ‘I make a quite good car jack.’

She averted her eyes, covering her lips with her hand. She had no idea why Kylo was doing this, but she knew she shouldn’t laugh. He shouldn’t joke, not when they were in such situation. Not when he was afraid. The fact he came to her and he kissed her like he seek for a haven in her arms. She had no idea what happened that made him come here, but if he was risking, risking even when Luke was here –

‘I can be old, but I’m not stupid’ she heard Luke say.

Rey looked at her adoptive father.

‘Uncle –‘

‘Reymont, you’re risking your career for a pair of pretty eyes’ he hissed.

Kylo held his breath.

Rey pursed her lips; her hands clenched into fists.

The eyes of her adoptive father were grey as the storm over the angry sea; and Rey looked directly into the eye of this cyclone.

[ _you’re risking your career for a pair of pretty eyes_ ]

She felt her nose flare as she was breathing heavily. The nails of her fingers were digging painfully in her skin, they were too long, she didn’t remember them to be so long, but maybe due to her anger, violence she had claws.

[a lady never sees red]

Luke’s eyes searched her face – _and she wondered for what?_ – for any signs of lying, deception, inverity?

Rey looked down.

‘I talk with Ben from time to time, yes’ she said. Her voice was quiet, but strong. ‘I told you that.’

Luke shook his head.

‘You didn’t, Rey.’

‘Maybe you didn’t want to hear it’ she replied.

She observed him as Luke watcher her in confusion.

‘You… ran away when he came to Oxhead’ he whispered. ‘I know… how many hours you talked with doctor Tekka. He… he destroyed you. He destroyed… our family.’

Rey’s face was a mask, she barely could feel she can emote any feelings, barely smile.

She unclenched her fists.

‘That’s not… true’ she replied.

She glanced at Kylo, who stood, unmoving, silent.

‘We can’t blame Ben’ she added. ‘We wanted so much to be perfect. A perfect family. And I understand that, uncle. Leia understands it too. But… if there was a problem… we all were ignoring its existence.’

Kylo stared at her, hestiant.

Rey gulped.

‘For the sake to preserve the status quo’ she whispered. ‘No matter what.’

‘But Reymont, I’m not talking about the past –‘

‘The past is now, uncle’ Rey replied. ‘Ben didn’t destroy me.’

‘He did –‘

‘ - pretending to be someone else did.’

Luke blinked.

‘What… what do you mean?’

Rey closed her eyes.

She knew if she will speak now, nothing will be the same anymore.

But she didn’t want it to be the same. For years and years, she was silent. She let Luke silence her down. She loved him, she loved him and she knew he wanted the best for her. But –

but Kylo was right.

Sometimes you had to hurt your loved one by telling them a truth.

To let them free.

‘You forgave your father’ she said. ‘But you cannot forgive your nephew? ‘

Her words echoed in the silence of the night.

She opened her eyes to see Luke staring at her, mouth agape, speechless.

Her adoptive father’s eyes wandered all over her face in utter shock. Maybe he didn’t understand what she just said. Maybe he didn’t want to hear it, but he did. She didn’t know. But those words reverberated in the night, they still were somewhere in the air, even if they had the quality of a mishearing.

So, Luke was staring at her and Rey stared at back at him - at her uncle, her adoptive father, father- a _man_ in front of her – feeling her heart beating so slow, slower and _slower_.

‘There’s a reason, why I never called you… _dad_ ’ she said, voice breaking this silence of echoes. ‘I know now the reason why you didn’t give me your surname, but… for years… I… I didn’t.’

Luke took a deep breath.

‘Reymont, _Rey –_ ‘

‘I was alone’ she muttered. ‘And… afraid. I felt… rejected. You were saying… that I’m your adopted daughter... But…’

Rey bit her lips, squeezed her eyes tightly as tears she hadn’t been aware of, marked her cheeks.

‘But was I a daughter to you?’ she asked. ‘Or just a protégée?

Luke held his breath. Rey shook her head – her heart was breaking, but she couldn’t stop.

‘And you know?’ she laughed. ‘Sometimes I wished uncle Han was my father, not you.’

Uncle Han, hugging her, joking with her. Rey knew he wasn’t a perfect parent, but in the absence of Leia, who was usually away and Luke, who looked after her, Poe and Ben, uncle Han felt like _home_. She wouldn’t worry about not doing her homework or not getting the best time at the karting session. She was allowed to fail, she was letting herself to fail when uncle Han was the one looking at the timer.

She never let herself fail when Luke was holding the timer. She could never do it either when Leia was the one holding it. Han somehow understood how it felt to be a non-Skywalker among Skywalkers – in a different way than his son, Ben felt years later.

But Rey saw Han as a father she hadn’t have in Luke. And that… that made her feel so guilty, because… _Luke Skywalker, F1 legend_ was her adoptive _father_.

She wanted to show Luke he didn’t make a mistake adopting her. She wanted to win his love, she wanted to win Leia’s love –

when uncle Han gave it right away.

‘I know I shouldn’t say it’ Rey hardly recognised her own voice. ‘I love you and I know you tried. That you try… even reading… about cycles’ she laughed. ‘I know… you love me and you try to be the best parent… but I… but I…’

She pursed her lips tighter and took a deep breath.

‘I also tried to be the best daughter’ she said.

Luke was silent.

‘I started driving…. because _you_ were a racing driver. F1 legend’ Rey continued. ‘I wanted to be perfect… for you. I was… studying, I was working out, I was doing… everything… And still… it felt like it wasn't enough for you.’

More tears fell down her face; Luke followed them with his eyes and Rey felt so much, so much it _hurt_ but as the tears fell down and she couldn’t stop it, she couldn’t stop her confession.

‘You never corrected me when I called you “uncle”’ she said. ‘You never asked me to call you “dad”.

‘So… I never did’ she whispered.

As she said those words, she felt suddenly so tired. Rey closed her eyes. Tears were falling down her cheeks. She hardly believed she said those words out loud, more, she hardly believed she just said the truest of the truths.

She felt it, _again_.

The truth, that strength of the truth, the same when she said she loves Ben. When she allowed herself to stop denying it. But it hurt. It hurt so much, she felt weak. And it hurt, because she could see, in Luke's eyes, all the pain she caused.

But she had to. She had to do it.

[the ocean within her was angry, stormy and her heart was the island in the centre of it –

and it was breaking apart]

‘Reymont, you… _are…_ my daughter.’

There was plea, desperation in Luke’s voice she had never heard before. He sounded so desperate and she knew she is desperate too. Their relationship was somehow always desperate – her desperately wanting to be a perfect daughter and him desperately trying to be a father.

Rey looked at him.

His eyes glistened with tears.

‘Rey’ he said. ‘You’re… my daughter. You’ve always been.’

She was resigned, her voice was so colourless and lifeless.

She was… so tired.

‘Am I?’ she asked. ‘A father would love her daughter. And accept her and her choices.’

There was an understanding, the glimpse of fear that flashed in Luke’s eyes as she said those words. He looked at Kylo besides her, his eyes wide; Rey stood, unable to move.

She really couldn’t feel her face.

Luke was silent; Rey watched him, she glanced at Kylo, who seemed to be at the same loss of words as her adoptive father.

Finally, after taking a step forward and backing right away, Luke spoke:

‘You’re right’ he said. ‘I… never did that.’

Their eyes met.

‘I will never forget… the day I talked to you for the first time, Reymont’ Luke said.

‘I was in Hungary… visiting my old friend. And I remember… seeing you in the park. nuns… had to get you all for the walk or something.’

Luke smiled to himself.

‘You had the… weirdest… three hair buns I’ve ever seen. And I know what I’m saying, because Leia’s buns were already pretty weird.’

Rey wished she could smile or laugh; but she couldn’t.

Luke gulped.

‘You didn’t play with other children. You were looking at the trees… like you could see something nobody else did. your eyes…’

Rey felt her heart beating faster.

Did she remember it?

She didn’t, did she?

‘I just… I had to get to know you’ he said. ‘You… just… stole my heart, in a way. And I wanted… so much to be the best father, give you everything… but… I was never good at… showing affection.’

Lue sighed deeply.

‘I can’t even say I’ve failed as a father… because.. I’m not a father. I’m not your father’ he muttered.

Rey took a deep breath.

‘You are’ she said. ‘Uncle –‘

Luke raised his eyebrows.

‘You see.’

Rey fell silent.

Another step back. The distance that they pretend didn’t exist, but Rey knew it was there – the waste ground of elliptical half-truth and half-lies.

‘Thank you for your honesty, Reymont.’

‘Luke –‘

‘Reymont, it’s… okay.’

It wasn’t.

Luke eyed Kylo.

‘I don’t know… what is exactly… between you two’ he said quietly. ‘But please, remember…there are always consequences.’

Kylo pursed his lips.

‘I know’ he whispered.

Luke nodded.

‘I’ll then… leave you’ he said. ‘If you let me.’

‘Uncle’ Rey said.

She came to him.

‘I’m sorry’ she said.

Luke shook his head.

‘Maybe… I needed it’ he muttered. ‘I…’

He looked at her.

‘I just never wanted you to… end… being… narcissistic. If you knew… how amazing and perfect… you really are’ he said. ‘You’re my greatest pride, Rey. Sometimes I feel I’m not … worth being your… uncle.’

Rey gulped.

‘Please… be careful’ Luke whispered.

She was silent; she knew what he meant.

Luke smiled at her; his hand squeezed her arm.

‘Goodnight, Rey’ he said.

He placed a kiss on her forehead as her lips trembled.

‘And goodnight to you too, Kylo.’

The light of her motorhome bathed Luke in the golds as he walked away. Rey stared long into the darkness where he disappeared.

She couldn’t move.

She should have run after him, hug him, but her body was a statue – still and cold.

What had she done?

Part of her was in shock – other part knew she had to.

But hurting Luke, more – the fact she felt _relief_ she finally told him.

Finally, she hid her face in her hands and her body trembled as she sobbed.

She knew Ben came to her before he touched her.

His hand rested on her shoulder, his hair brushed her ear.

‘Deep breaths’ he said and his voice was quieter than a whisper. ‘Deep breaths, Rey.’

His other hand gently touched her other forearm and delicately reassured her.

‘I’m here. You’re not alone’ his voice was gentle and she closed her eyes focusing on it.

His hand moved up and down and she felt his heart beating.

Rey found his hand and covered it with hers.

‘You’re not alone’ he repeated it like a mantra. ‘You’re not alone.’

She turned to him; wind brushed hair from his forehead and she was watching him, watching, watching –

‘You’re not… alone’ he whispered.

His hand rested on her shoulder, radiating heat that melted the ice of her body.

She wanted him to hug her, but still, she didn’t move.

She moved her head; her lips were just above his skin as she placed a quasi-kiss on his skin.

‘I know’ she said. ‘I know.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you enjoyed this chapter! If you have any kind of question, you can ask me in the comments, I’ll try to reply. I really hope you liked it, this chapter was hard, really, but essential for my grasp of Rey-Luke relationship and I hope I did a good job of fleshing out some... points? You know what I mean (I hope). But yes, Rey telling this Luke was crucial. I really felt we (and mostly Luke) needed to hear it. 
> 
> So, I wish each one of you all the best, happy Christmas, happy and please, take care of yourself, if there are any petitions you can sign, please do it. if you see injustice, don't ignore it. Please, let's take care of each other and make this world a kinder place, especially now <3 
> 
> See you next chapter :)


	24. Chapter 22: Zugzwang

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my dear readers. Yeah, I finally came back. I did. I honestly am amazed I got through this and if you waited for the update and continue to read “Driven” I am so so thankful. I didn’t want to leave this story, but I had to and still I was in pain and miserable not being able to write. 
> 
> So, I finished the translation. Yeah, 126k book. From English to Polish. In three months. And in the meantime I had uni and thesis to write. If you ever see “Milkman” by Anna Burns, please show it a middle finger from me. I hate this book so much, well translating it was quite a personal journey and yeah it is a good book, but being forced to translate it and actually reading it three times really killed my will to write anything and well, will to live as well. 
> 
> I feel relatively fine, university is a bitch and online learning sux. My mom feels good, she’s back working and there’s no serious complications after corona. My girlfriend also feels fine and keep your fingers crossed she will get her smell and taste back soon. I didn’t catch corona yet, but we will check if I am asymptomatic, but in general, please, please – wear your mask (NOT UNDER THE NOSE GOD!) and get yourself anti-bacterial gel. I know it’s so stupid and we all slowly are getting vaccinated, but please, don’t be a fuckin asshole.
> 
> In addition, Black Lives Matter, Trans Lives Matter, LGBTQ+ matter and please if you have any kind of petitions, sign them. Try to educate yourself and don’t stay ignorant. Yeah, if you can tell, I am mad and tired at everything what is happening, but I believe we can change the world day by day. Deep down I hope my writing could do some good and make it a better place too. 
> 
> So, finishing my tirade, I am so glad to be back. I know it's not a Friday update, but I will try to update the next chapter every second Friday :) On Feb 11th there was an anniversary of publishing the first chapter of “Driven” and I want to thank you for reading, giving kudos, commenting, because I am more than grateful for having such lovely readers. I love sharing my writing (even though my agent doesn't like it ooop) and “Driven” made me fell in love with writing again. I want to deliver the best story and I can only hope the story you read and will read will rise up to your expectations :/ Really thank you so much! <3
> 
> I don’t remember the songs I listened to during writing this chapter, because writing it took me like, 3 months. I’m sorry and I hope you will enjoy this chapter. I’m not sure, but I think we will have around 7 chapters more? I'm not sure, but yeah.
> 
> As always I want to thank my lovely gf, I love her so so much <3 and I want to thank my beta for checking this chapter <3 Two best girls a writer can have! 
> 
> So, my guest and I hope you will enjoy this chapter!

> There was a time we tormented one another with excessive honesty in the naive belief it would save us.
> 
> ― Stanisław Lem, _Solaris_

The last days took their toll on him. Kylo had a feeling his mind was on fire and his thoughts were the gasoline, only making it worse.

And his guilt.

He had lied to Rey. He never did it before.

Well, technically, he did, when she asked him to kiss him back in April, but now, _it was different_.

He could say he did it, because he wanted to protect her. And especially that he really didn’t know the truth. He just overheard his mother talking with Holdo. And they weren’t sure – they only had a suspicion.

And mostly, he couldn’t burden Rey after her argument with Luke.

It was the last thing he actually expected, to ever see Rey defying his uncle, her _father_ per se. Kylo knew her, he knew how much Rey loved him and his mother. How much she loved Han Solo, _his_ father. Rey as blessed with a burden of the most selfless love you could ever imagine. She loved people to the point she was ready to sacrifice her own self, sanity, happiness. And he was in pain seeing this.

But he could only admire her true altruism.

And Kylo was always asking – why they were letting her do this?

They _knew_ Rey wouldn’t stop if not told to do so.

And they _never_ stopped her.

Seeing Rey talking with Luke reminded Kylo so much of his conversations with his father.

He never had a chance to say goodbye to him.

He still didn’t visit his grave.

He didn’t want Rey to repeat his mistakes. He never said a proper goodbye. He also felt his departure from the family only worsened his father’s state.

Kylo had no idea if heaven or hell exist or the universe was, in fact, a godless space-place. He wasn’t an atheist, he wasn’t agnostic – he simply existed at this point and place. He wanted to be a better person; he wanted to seek redemption not for the sake of love he had for Rey and his family, but because it was right and for years he could suppress his guilt and hide behind his work and hatred. So, he wouldn’t say he was religious in any way – but he had one belief that stuck with him and it came from one of the first laws of thermodynamics.

Energy of a closed system must remain constant — it can neither increase nor decrease without interference from outside.

Therefore, energy cannot be created or destroyed; it can only be changed from one form to another.

_And what else could love be, if not energy?_

Kylo wished his father, wherever, whoever, whatever he was now, knew Kylo loved him.

And Kylo knew that if Rey said those things to Luke, she had a reason to do so. He knew how hard it was for her to break from her denial, the same how it was when she told him she loved him.

Anyway, he felt guilty, but proud; it was both amazing and heartbreaking to finally see her standing up for herself.

Rey actually stood up for not only herself.

He actually heard her defending _him_.

But… at what cost?

And the worst was, Kylo knew Rey really meant every word. Because he knew her. But he never thought she really, really felt so rejected. It was worse than he thought, because each word she uttered was said in such pain, without twinge, no – because he just _knew_.

Rey was asking why Luke just never loved her back even if she was a perfect daughter.

Kylo tried to make his uncle aware that Rey felt rejected, but he never listened to him.

But he did hear Rey – _his daughter_ – now.

Kylo would tell her about engine, he decided. He would tell her _later_. When he was _sure_. When he would find _the solution_.

Now, he had nothing.

He was nothing too.

He was Mercedes FO driver.

He was still _Snokovich’s_ driver.

Kylo was bound by the contract and till November he was still not literally, but literally their property. He was _their_ racing driver, whether he liked it or not. But he also knew the workings of the team better than Snoke of Palpatine.

He had to think about the strategy. If there was a new variable in the form of potential illegal engine, he had to adapt his data.

Kylo was thrown to the wolves.

And if he was among them, he had to act like one of them.

But lying to Rey _hurt_.

Kylo couldn’t stop thinking about it when he was laying in his bed and the scent of roses Rey given to him was so intoxicating he had tears in his eyes. He couldn’t forget Rey’s eyes, those hazel eyes, when she looked at him and asked him what was wrong, when she was the one who was not fine.

He couldn’t do it to her.

He wanted to wipe her tears, but he couldn’t.

They were already risking too much, standing in the open paddock at night and Kylo already felt paranoid somehow they could have been watched.

And he couldn’t forget Luke’s face, his face – overlapping with his father’s face – when Rey told him he’s not her true father.

/ _Reymont, you are my daughter.\_

_\ Am I./_

_/A father would accept her and her choices.\_

Rey was talking about _him_.

[Kylo knew Luke would never accept Rey’s decision to be with him.]

Too much thoughts. Overthinking was always one of his curses. He was probably the overthinking world champion. Multiple world champion.

Kylo just _felt_ too much.

But on the other hand, he was in the fix.

Kylo, even if he didn’t want to be a racing driver, he prided himself in winning _fairly_. It was something he carried from the purest form of racing – karting. Winning Canada already left a bitter aftertaste. He wasn’t a steward and even if Rey’s penalty was somehow justified, still, you didn’t win races by penalties.

Nor you win them by having an illegal engine.

He was thinking, would Snoke and Palpatine really be that callous? To commit a fraud on such scale meant to deal in absolute.

And how would their supposed fraud somehow escape FIA’s watchful eyes? FIA was strict about this. They always checked the blueprints, examined the cars, they could fucking call you during qualy to just weigh-control your car. To get away with even the smallest cheating meant Mercedes had to find some kind of shady loop hole.

And also, how did his mother find out about this?

Kylo ain’t knew shit about F1 cars apart from some basics stuff and how to set it up.

Yeah, he knew more than basics, he was an F1 driver after all, but still, he wasn’t a fuckin’ F1 engineer.

And _why_ would even Mercedes do this? By far, they had the best car in the recent years. The best car of turbo-hybrid era. Even with Poe winning the title last year, Mercedes still was an unbeaten Constructors’ Champion.

So, what was the reason then?

Snokovich wanting to make sure Mercedes was unbeatable?

Again, It was different, to win, knowing the car was simply _the best_ on the grid. And WF10 was a beast – probably the most amazing machine Kylo has ever driven. And Kylo knew his team – people, who worked relentlessly overnights, overworked themselves. These people placed their lives on the line to make this team work. And even seeing, participating in the part of their work made Kylo appreciate his team even more.

If they had illegal engine it was pure lack of respect for their hard work.

However, what he could do?

Kylo was thrown to the wolves.

And if he was among them, he had to act like one of them.

He could add another hat-trick to his “career” after British Grand Prix: pole position, the fastest lap of the race and (of course) a win. He was pretty sure it had to br ultra-super-ugh booooooring for fans to watch F1 and see every race him, Hux and eventually Poe or Rey (maybe one of the Red Bull drivers) on the podium. This race, it was again him, Hux and Poe, with Rey again being 4th. And he really tried to at least smile (he betted he looked like he had a freakin’ stomach ache) seeing members of his team celebrating, so happy, clasping their hands, listening to American-German anthem compilation.

God, Kylo felt like crap.

And in the contrastive of faceless faces and black, there was a line of red – and he knew that if he looks there, he would find her.

He would find them.

Two most important women of his life.

His mother stood with Rey by her side; even from the distance he could see them hugging each other standing under the podium dais.

His heart longed for them, he knew he has to return home.

And they were his _home._

Maybe his gaze lingered for too long on them, but then –

Rey’s and his eyes met.

He wished he could smile at her. Really. Even if he didn’t feel like smiling, but seeing her lovely, lovely face, still (kind off) red and sweaty after the race, hair unruly and eyes bright, made his heart flutter with something stupid.

Hope, he thought. With hope.

But he couldn’t.

You would never know the feeling the driver feels when winning a race. The helmet hid feelings that couldn’t be understood.

He wore his face now as his mask.

[Kylo Ren rarely smiled.

If he ever smiled.]

And definitely not at Rey Király/

\And Rey Király didn’t smile at Kylo Ren.

[he couldn’t even look into his mother’s eyes.]

Kylo wondered if she was proud of him. Even if he was driving for Mercedes. Part of him felt some weird kind of satisfaction, he was ashamed of it, but also, he was a driver, he was the leader of the drivers’ standings, he was at the top of his game, when they said he wouldn’t ever succeed in F1 due to his height.

He knew his mother just wanted to spare him the disappointment.

And now, Kylo felt lost.

After all, Rey slashing his face and them condemning him as a predator wasn’t the only reasons he left – he went to Snokovich, the only man he knew that would help him.

But maybe all of that was a lie.

Kylo wanted to go to her, to his mother, hug her, tell her he’s sorry, even if he already said those words few months ago. He wanted to say he’s sorry he never came back after his father died.

He’s pride and want for revenge bested him then. It was easy, to succumb into this darkness. And he knew he shouldn’t, because for the last years, he just… he didn’t feel like himself. Last eight years were like a bad dream, but worse, he was wide awake – and he couldn’t wake up.

He wished his mother could read these thoughts from his eyes as same as Rey would read he loves her and he’s sorry for what happened with Luke. And his uncle was in the crowd as well, in the back –

The sole drop of black in the redness of Ferrari.

There was a furrow of grey brows of his uncle, the sorrow in his eyes.

He couldn’t blame Kylo now for what Rey – _his daughter, niece?_ – said.

Because Luke, Kylo knew, Luke _knew_ Rey was telling the truth.

Maybe Kylo wasn’t the one at crosswords then.

However, he was in the fix.

He honestly had no idea what to do.

He wanted to tell his mother everything and more than everything.

[soon, he thought -

but define _soon,_ a voice asked back]

He was never good at playing chess, but he knew one word that would be perfect to describe his current situation. This word described the stress associated with looking at 64 squares of a chess-world, when it was time for _your_ move.

_Zugzwang._

[ _make your move_ ]

Any will only worsen his already weak position.

Kylo knew what he _should_ do, but still, there was that sense of hopelessness, powerlessness, the worst kind of being the subject, a thing, useless thing, he couldn’t fight.

[but he had to make a move]

And it was his companion for the next two weeks. Two weeks of questioning everything, preparation for the next race and feeling eyes of Snoke on him everywhere.

And Rey’s silence about her and Luke’s situation was more telltale than any words. 

It seemed the weather somehow felt how he felt as it was the perfect manifestation of how he was feeling. There was a gray cloudbank all over Europe, successfully blocking any sunlight for several days now. If Kylo knew something, it was that the latest summers were getting colder and colder every year; there could be a week or two of heatwave, then a month of gray skies.

The sun was gone, rain was in the air.

He was half-awake, half-dead, half- _anything_ before flight. He chose the earliest one to Frankfurt. Probably he was a masochist, but here he was, in the empty Heathrow airport, with a triple espresso in his hand, watching the shadows, highlights move on the mirror of the transit lounge’s floor.

There was that dreamscape, timeless quality about airports and Kylo had seen all the kinds of airports – American ones, in South America, Australian, East and West Asian, African, European – they all felt the same, the constant in this inconstant world.

You were out of time, you were out of yourself. 

Kylo was so used to being seen. When you were an F1 driver and moreover, you were 6’3 you had to catch everyone’s attention. But here he was, in plain sight, in the public flight and actually nobody cared. He didn’t encounter any paparazzi, not to mention nobody asked him for the autograph.

Nobody cared.

Kylo barley even remembered the check-in; to his surprise, the plane was more crowded than he anticipated. Maybe he wasn’t the only masochist in the world, or maybe a bunch of people had business in Germany this week. He knew that he could have taken a private jet, but something inside him, since Rey and him were together –

_he didn’t want to._

‘I never use the private jets’ Rey said. ‘I don’t want to add to the carbon print. And… you actually realise, most people don’t ever look around. I’m almost never recognised when I fly the normal flights. Then why bother?’

How could he remember Rey’s voice in its raspiness and sweetness? But he did.

He sat in his seat, feeling his heart becoming heavy. With his guilt and yearning. With the fact he still had no idea what to do.

And he was tired, no matter how much coffee he drank, no matter how long he slept.

He was so tired.

He took out a book from his backpack. He should revise his notes for Hockenheim, but he didn’t feel particularly well to do so.

And actually, he wasn’t sure Lem’s _Solaris_ was a right read for his half-dead brain.

He wondered this as he opened the book; golden ink gleamed in the plane’s lighting as his fingers brushed Rey’s note he was using as his bookmark.

_(yours,_

_Vega)._

_And I’m totally, completely yours_ , he thought.

Kylo closed his eyes. Maybe it was caffeine, but he felt now so awake, but also so tired. There was no darkness under his eyes, but colours – the convoluted, appearing, disappearing, reappearing, pulsating beats of colourful stains.

He was – what a _paradoxical_ oxymoron, _oxymoronic_ paradox – energetically tired.

‘Sorry.’

Kylo opened his eyes.

In the plane’s aisle, with one hand resting on the seat’s back, stood a man, forty year old at a guess. Dark haired, dark-eyed, tan skin, a bit of stubble and – with a child in the carrier.

_A father then_ , Kylo thought.

He was reminded about his father and Luke at every step of the way

‘Can I help you with something?’ Kylo asked, sitting upright.

The man took a deep breath.

‘I was meaning to ask if we could switch places.’

Kylo blinked.

‘I… sit right next to you’ the man added, when the silence delayed. ‘If a kid wakes up, I would want him to have… a window view. If you agree to switch, of course.’

Kylo closed _Solaris_ ; the man’s eyes fell on the book and then once again came back to him.

Kylo knew that on the shorter flights airlines didn’t have problems with switching places. And he probably would drift away anyway, so would he need this seat?

No.

And he could feel the eyes of man, waiting for his answer.

‘Yeah, sure, no problem’ he replied.

He took his backpack and stood up.

‘Thank you’ he heard behind his back.

Kylo shook his head.

‘No, really – no problem.’

The man pushed past him as he sat slowly, holding the carrier with one hand. Kylo couldn’t help but be intrigued; he watched the man with the corner of his eye as he sat in his new place, tucking his baggage between his legs and putting _Solaris_ on his lap.

‘Ladies and gentlemen, welcome onboard Flight BA 0910 with service from Heathrow to Frankfurt. We are currently third in line for take-off and are expected to be in the air in approximately seven minutes time. We ask that you please fasten your seatbelts at this time and make sure your electronic devices are switched off or in the flight safe mode.’

Kylo fastened his seatbelt; the man next to him quietly swore under his breath and Kylo risked one, two glances; he could see the back of the kid’s head, sleeping soundly, among the brown hair, how big his ears were -

_\- almost like his._

The kid will have to grow his hair to hide them, Kylo thought.

He leaned on the back of his new seat and tightly closed his eyes.

The take off of the plane was always one of his least liked parts of the flight; Kylo felt his body stiffen, tense. He could easily imagine the land disappearing under them, becoming a patchwork quilt draped over England. Soon, they would see the waves of the North Sea and then the lands of continental Europe.

He really didn’t like the take offs, honestly.

When plane leveled out, Kylo breathed a sigh of relief.

‘Not a fan of flying?’ the man’s voice took him by surprise.

‘Not a fan of… take offs, actually’ Kylo replied.

‘Neither am I’ the man said quietly. ‘I prefer to be the one who pilots.’

Kylo smiled palely.

‘Me too’ he whispered. ‘You… you’re a pilot then?’ he added.

His voice shook a bit when he spoke this words.

He remembered his father’s pictures, from the time when he was in the Navy. When you were a racing driver, you knew the exact racing line. You had a racing track. And a lap after lap, you drove the same route, each time trying to get this perfect lap.

In the air, it was different.

You were truly free.

Maybe that’s why his father never truly understood him, Rey, Poe, his mother or Luke. They were racing drivers, Han Solo also raced – but he never truly felt the _drive_ to race like the Skywalkers did.

Skywalkers, Kylo caught himself.

He referred to himself as _Skywalker_.

The man shook his head.

‘I used to be a pilot’ he said. ‘Now… I have more pressing matters at hand.’

With those words he looked down at the sleeping child on his chest – kid was sleeping tight and breathing loudly, not to say snoring.

Kylo felt a pull inside his chest.

‘My father also used to be a pilot’ he had no idea why he is saying this. ‘He… he stationed at Bergstrom at some point.’

And definitely, he didn’t expect the man’s reply:

‘Bergstrom…Texas?’

Kylo glanced with the corner of his eye at him. The man glanced back, equally surprised.

‘Yeah’ he said quietly. ‘I’m from Austin, I was… born in Austin.’

[ _I don’t know if I’m really American after 20 years of living in England,_ he thought]

Man frowned.

‘I grew up in San Antonio.’

Kylo turned o him.

‘No way’ he muttered.

Man sized him up and after a while, he extended his hand.

‘I’m Din’ he said.

Kylo reluctantly took and squeezed it.

‘… Ben’ he said and his voice again, trembled a bit. ‘Nice to meet you.’

‘And you too’ Din replied.

He backed his hand and as though he just made up his mind, he added:

‘That’s Grogu’ Din gently patted kid’s back. ‘My… son.’

Was Kylo projecting, or did he hear the same quavering in man’s voice? Probably projecting, because he couldn’t stop thinking about his father and about Luke – two father figures he had in his life.

But here he was, watching the kid sleeping and suddenly feeling so much.

‘Well, better not to wake him up’ Kylo whispered, trying to smile, but his face didn’t cooperate at all. His body felt odd, alien to him. ‘It’s ungodly hour. Kid deserves a nap.’

‘I don’t remember the time when I had a nap’ Din muttered.

Kylo shook his head.

‘Neither do I’ he confessed.

There was a silence. The tension and Kylo found himself, again, thinking about his father – and Luke, and Rey, and his mother, Poe – about his family.

Why every decision he made was only making everything worse? 

‘So… you have any business in… Frankfurt?’ he heard.

The stewardess passed them and Kylo followed her with his eyes.

It was strangely, surreally calm – most people slept, some listened to music and there was that constant low sound, some kind of undefinable, nubilous subvibrance of the plane's engine that seemed to go straight into the core of his brain, pulling the strings of his soul and heart.

‘Formula 1’ Kylo said.

His finger touched the letters of the title on the cover of the book.

[ _S-o-l-a –_

‘Formula 1?’

[ _S-o-l-a-r-i-s_ ]

‘There’s a race this weekend’ Kylo said. ‘In Hocken…heim.’

‘… are you a fan of racing?’

Kylo smiled, he almost chuckled.

In all seriousness, the man, Din – he really had no idea he is sitting next to F1 driver himself.

Rey’s theory that rarely anyone recognized her was proven true.

‘I’m a team member’ Kylo replied.

With the realization of man’s incognizance of who Kylo really was, came anonymity, came relief.

Came _freedom_.

‘I’m a… I’m a car jack’ he added.

There was unspoken question in the man’s eyes.

‘I lift the car’ Kylo quickly added. ‘During the pit stop. When they’re changing the tires.’

The man nodded.

‘I don’t watch F1’ he muttered. ‘But I bet it’s… a lot of work.’

‘More than a lot’ Kylo said.

Lingering taste of espresso on his tongue took him back to those sleepless nights at the track.

He thought about his team, engineers, mechanics, and him talking with Parnadee. He was seeing his mechanics working on the car, him talking about the ideal or at least optimal set up for the race, stripping the car down and adjusting again, organizing the tyres sets for the race.

His team – especially Parnadee – would say he was alike performance engineer behind the wheel, because Kylo wanted to understand every little aspect of the car performance. And his interests weren’t unnoticed by Snoke and rest of the team and now he was working with them. Therefore, Kylo prided himself in being more than just a racing driver – he wanted the respect of his team.

But he honestly had no idea if he had any respect for the sole idea that Mercedes, Snokovich, Palpatine would use maybe not illegal, but engine breaching the rules.

‘And what kind of team you work for?’

‘Mercedes FO.’

Another nod.

‘And who drives for them?’

Kylo pursed his lips.

‘One Irish guy, ginger’ he said. ‘Armitage Hux. And that… American. Kylo Ren. I don’t know if you know them.’

The man shook his head.

‘Frankly, I don’t’ he said. ‘I’m not sure if I even heard their names, like ever.’

And thank god for that, Kylo thought.

‘But… have you ever talked to them?’ the man asked. ‘Or… no?’

Kylo had to force himself seriously not to laugh out loud.

‘I did talk to them’ he said. ‘A pair of wankers.’

The man looked at him surprised.

Kylo shook his head.

‘Don’t just report me to my boss, I’ll lose my job if he finds out’ he said and in the same moment, the smile froze on his face.

He wasn’t sure if he is joking or if he is deadpan serious. It seemed like a paradox –

[he would lose his job anyway]

Kylo’s fingers tapped the cover of _Solaris_.

‘And what else would you expect from famous F1 drivers?’ he added. ‘They’re – ‘

‘Hey, you okay, kid? Yeah, I know, you don’t like it.’

The way the man's voice softened as he was talking to his kid.

Kylo just heard his father’s voice, he heard Luke’s – the voice was different, the timbre, the silvers of the warmth, the concern – it was universal.

‘I’ll get you anything you want when we land. I promise.’

Kid sleepily cooed.

Kylo looked away.

‘Go to sleep, buddy. We have a long day ahead.’

[he had to close his eyes]

‘We will be home before you can blink.’

_Home._

Did he have a home?

Rey, he thought. His home was with Rey. With his mother, uncle and Poe.

His home was with his family.

But Kylo knew something was changing and it was the status quo of not only his status – but of each Skywalker.

Something was coming, he couldn’t say what – it was already happening. And he couldn’t stop it.

He took a deep breath, opened his eyes and tired to relax; he could feel how tense his body was.

It wasn’t even about the fact of the whole situation he found himself in – he really felt like he was just one of the pieces on the chess board.

And he wasn’t a king, a queen, not a rook, a bishop – but only a pawn.

And still he had to make a move.

Zugzwang, he thought.

‘I’m sorry in advance’ Din turned to him. His kid looked sleepily at Kylo, but still, he felt there was certain judgment in the child's gaze.

[maybe he knew Kylo was an asshole]

‘When he wakes up, he can get a bit… bratty’ Din said. ‘He can be a little gremlin. If he won’t let you sleep, I’m sorry.’

‘No, don’t worry’ Kylo said. ‘I’m used to sleeping anywhere, even on the garage’s floor with all that row.’

The man raised his eyebrows in surprise.

Kylo shrugged.

‘Life of a Formula 1 dri –‘

He fell silent.

‘Mechanic’ he said.

After that he looked away, heart heavy in his chest. Heavy with thoughts, yearning and –

[The man in the nearby seat was reading a magazine.

Kylo recognized right away the woman on the picture.]

_Rey._

It was an ad, Rey in her Skywalker Ferrari suit, looking at him across the aisle]

[Kylo watched her, her smile, the dimples in her cheeks.

His heart again hurt and he was hurting,

because did he have enough strength to really face what was coming?]

He had to, even if he had no strength.

‘Good buddy, yes, nap time.’

Kylo looked down; his heart hurt with every taken breath.

Suddenly, a thought passed through his mind.

And Kylo felt his heart stop.

He looked at his neighbor, his kid, he looked at the nearby passenger and another sleeping kid and the realization – prospect – thunderstruck him.

_Would Rey ever want to have a family?_

_To marry… have children?_

_he… he didn’t know._

_he didn’t know._

_Oh god._

Kylo highly doubted Rey would want to marry him. Even if she loved him. And children were out of the question. Not in their situation. Not in her situation. Apart from all the accusations of incest, even if marrying member of adoptive family was legal in UK (because yeah, Kylo checked this), there would be still consequences. 

He would never condemn her for this. 9 months were a full F1 season and how could he ever put Rey in such situation to risk her career – and he knew that Rey, unlike him, was a _true racing driver_.

He didn’t doubt that she wanted to be honest and be open about their relationship, but Kylo knew that it was a long road ahead and something within him - _maybe his anxiety_ \- was telling him that even if they were together now, it didn’t mean they would be together in the future, even though he loved her the most in the world.

Kylo remembered countless meetings with kids or signing, taking pictures with them. It was probably one of the nicest parts of his job as a racing; even though he couldn’t sign all of the pictures. He wanted to say there was charming, beautiful innocence about children, but children were also pure evil sometimes. Well, no. it was all about the upbringing, nature versus nurture. Children were a paradoxical dichotomy of ambiguity.

And did he want to be a father?

Not now.

In the future, yeah.

But also not at the price of destroying Rey’s racing career.

He knew that by far, she was worthy of – in all the terms – idealistic, talent, symbolic – Rey was what his mother represented 20 years ago when she used to race and what she represented now as the sole female Team Principal in Formula 1.

Rey was the symbol of hope. She was the inspiration. And it was bigger than his love – Rey could make history as the first female world champion, he knew that – and pave way for inclusive future of not only F1, but motorsport and world in general.

He couldn’t take it away just because he was selfish.

Would he be different if his mother wasn’t a team principal of Ferrari? If his uncle wasn’t Luke Skywalker, that Luke Skywalker? Kylo knew he was born into that family, racing was in their blood – but also there was a tragedy rushing through their bloodline.

Would he be different if his mother would take him to the races with her and not leave with Luke in Luke’s monastery-like house? The fact that Kylo had _his_ room there, he was going to nearby school, was all-telling. How different his life would be if he never came to England in the first place? If Poe’s father didn’t die? If Luke wouldn’t adopt Rey?

But he also knew he couldn’t blame his parents, his family for _his_ choices – they made mistakes and these mistakes influenced his life, yes.

But he also made his choices and had to accept the consequences.

_/ there are always consequences. /_

He never thought about the future the way he was thinking about it.

Kylo knew that he wouldn’t drive for Mercedes next year, he probably would be out of F1.

But what next?

Formula E? Endurance racing? No racing at all? He knew that if not Snoke or Palpatine, his reputation would be destroyed by revealing the truth of him and Rey.

[ _Zugzwang_ , any move will only worsen his position]

And what about that supposed illegal engine? 

There was one thing Kylo could do about it, he knew that.

He just needed something he fought against his entire life:

_time._

And truth was, he was so scared. Scared as shit. Because he didn’t only fear for himself now; he knew for years all of the said and unsaid things Snoke was aware of. Formula 1 was like war, arms race; and Kylo somehow became a double agent, he was fighting a guerilla war not only with Snoke, but mostly – with himself.

Because he knew, there was that part of his subconscious, he didn’t want to admit – that was asking him if he had to do it. He could be silent about the engine and not dig deeper. He could tell Snoke and Palpatine to fuck off and still leave F1 as world champion.

But he couldn’t.

Kylo always prided himself in winning fairly.

He had to make choices. Right choices. Not because of his new-found and requited love for Rey he was a better man.

He wanted to be a better person. 

_Zugzwang_.

Any move will just worsen his already weak position.

He was only a pawn.

And what he could do?

_Protect the Queen._

Kylo could feel himself drifting away as his fingers’ grip on the book loosened. His heart slowed down, eyelids became heavier and heavier. He was seeing colours again and he was thinking about everything and nothing at all –

The book dropped onto the floor; he wanted to pick it up, but the dream gulfed him completely.

_…the ocean was violent today._

_The grey skies were becoming darker and darker as the island was the last stand of rationality among the false dilemma of a dream. Because yes, he knew he was dreaming; and he knew he would wake up, but at this point, he was himself and wasn’t himself at all. His being was as changeable and variable as the waves and clouds - the inconstant predictability._

_A dream reality had a different texture than the one of a real world; there was a certain element of this dreamscape that rendered it surreal, which was placed deep within the core of his perception._

_A kaleidoscopic theorem of a thought;_

_neuro-electronic representation of complexification of a spirit and matter in one._

_He could feel the unvanquished, swirling anger of the nature surrounding him, but this anger was helpless as well._

_It was bound by the limitations of this dream-world._

_He_ knew _the heart of this anger._

_This anger, uncontrolled, voracious, that could rewrite the star-given fate –_

no, it would devour it completely.

_the heartbeat, heartwave of the coming storm beat with waves crashing into the shores. And he could feel this call, this scream, echoing in his head, in his body, breaking his flesh, soul apart and –_

_he knew the heart of this upcoming storm._

_Not rain, but snow started to fall down from the skies and the cold wind hit his face, freezing the tear-traces across his face._

_the sea was violent today._

_And enormous._

_angry._

_Sad._

_violent._

_Lonely._

_vast._

_e m p t y_

_Water, he thought._

_Air, caressing his face._

_Earth under his feet._

_Fire blazing inside his_ , her _heart –_

_‘_ Rey! _’ he yelled. ‘_ Rey!’

[ _Как можете вы понять океан,_

_если уже не в состоянии понять друг друга?_ ]

[ _How do you expect to communicate with the ocean,_

_when you can’t even understand one another._ ]

He didn’t know how he knew it, but he knew. Every bone of his body was screaming towards her and he knew if he won’t stop her she would…

she would

_would –_

Kylo woke up just minutes before landing, short of breath. It took him a minute to realize he was in the plane, that he is among people. His skin was sweaty; he couldn’t truly remember what he was dreaming about, even if he tried.

‘You dropped this’ he heard.

Kylo looked at him, still uneasy. The man handed him a book.

‘It’s yours, right?’ the man said.

Kylo blinked.

‘Yeah… thanks’ he whispered.

The kid was now awake, babbling quietly; Kylo saw him reaching for his father’s face and when before Kylo didn’t see the man smile, the moment he felt the touch, smile appeared on his lips.

He had to look away again.

He didn’t fully understand the nature of his breakdown yet. If it was a breakdown. Kylo wanted to be strong, but he knew at this point, he couldn’t act like nothing happened.

And his face was an open book.

He would never lie to Snoke again.

Snokovich will see right through him.

‘Good luck’ he heard behind himself, when he was waiting for his luggage at the airport.

Din nodded, smiling at him. His kid was clinging to him, staring at Kylo.

‘And good luck to you too’ Kylo replied. 

He watched the two, kid in his father’s arm and father with big hold-all hung over his shoulder, disappearing, becoming one with the mass of the crowd as their contours blurred.

Probably it was the last time he has ever seen them.

How close it was to never meet Rey? To be strangers?

The windows were marked with rain drops. 

It was raining.

[ _it’s time.]_

Kylo took a deep breath.

He had to.

_Make your move._

He had to find the strength within himself.

Not only for Rey. But for his mother. And for his father too. He took his phone out of the pocket. 

His finger hovered over the phone.

Kylo closed his eyes and pressed the “call” button.

*******

Hockenheim. German Grand Prix.

Honestly, if Rey was the one in charge of choosing a track to host the German Grand Prix, she would never ever choose Hockenheimring. Nürburgring was better and most of all legendarily iconic track – and the fact that lately FIA was filling the racing calendar with so boring, simple tracks, when they had tracks like Nürburgring, Portimão or even Imola – _Imola!_ – for the taking – but no, they were building new ones, when there was no need for that.

Maybe she was just irritated, because she lately really didn’t feel like herself.

It wasn’t only about Luke or Kylo. Yes, her argument with her adoptive father destroyed the certain balance in their household, but Rey knew it was about time. She was keeping things too long only for herself – and the tame started to break. With the time of letting herself express her love for Ben, Kylo – she had to be honest and true to her true self.

No, what was happening was that Rey felt a sort of melancholic reverie; she felt there was something coming, something, _something_ – and she couldn’t put a finger on what would it be.

She knew that now Luke and Leia knew in a way that Kylo and her were together, however, they didn’t state this precisely. Maybe it was better that way – things left unsaid, left in that maybe-area of unspoken. Maybe Rey needed this as well – maybe they all needed this point of transition, or even allowing themselves to think about all of those possibilities, prospects.

If Rey knew something about herself and by so, about other Skywalkers, was that they didn’t take well being presented with a _fait accompli_.

And apart from this, she was to go to Mercedes anniversary party and play a role of – exactly – of _who_?

She couldn’t play Kylo’s girlfriend, she wasn’t his girlfriend, after all. Actually they never stated what they were – there was no reason for that. Kylo asked her if it was so bad to have him as a partner, boyfriend, but Rey felt those terms were lacking for what was really between her and Kylo.

Or either he couldn’t act like her boyfriend. They operated in that nebulous sphere of undeclared maybeness. There was certain beauty and sadness in that and Rey knew she can’t stay there forever.

She didn’t want to.

Why would people say Kylo and her were sick for loving each other? They weren’t related by blood. And Rey had never seen him as a cousin or older brother - when Poe definitely was like her brother. But people would still point the fact Rey was Luke’s adopted daughter…

_Fors and againsts. Fors and againsts –_

People would always have their truths.

But the truth was, Rey couldn’t hide that she loved Ben, Kylo for so long, since she remembered. She denied it for so long and now, she was at this point, when she realized this denial related to everything of her very being.

So, her and Luke’s relationship changed; Rey could feel this in the air, the way air tensed whenever they were close to each other.

She could feel his adoptive father’s eyes on her.

If Rey was melancholic, Luke was even more melancholic.

When she was at home, they did what they would usually do – Rey would come and watch Catchphrase with him, come to his horses and help him clean the stables. She would go for a walk with Chewie and then for a run. But there was silence – whenever the telly was turned off and their eyes met.

And this silence grew, grew louder and louder.

It wasn’t the day before her flight to Hockenheim, when she heard a knock on the door.

Chewie looked up, waken from his nap on her bed by her side, Rey took her headphones off.

In the orange light of her desk lamp she saw Luke, shyly, unsurely opening the door.

‘Can I… can I come in?’ she heard.

‘Yes’ she said. ‘You can… come in.’

She turned the music off; Luke came into her room, silent. Rey watched him with the corner of her eye. She didn’t expect him to be here now. Usually he never interrupted her “free” time in the evenings. Was he mad at her? She wasn’t sure. He didn’t look like he was. but maybe he was. Maybe yes. Maybe no. Maybe he was maybe-mad or maybe-not-mad. Like she was maybe-mad at him too.

And so, they avoided each other’s gazes – to the point the similarity of the way they did it was ridiculous, but only the gravity of the situation kept her from laughing out loud.

‘So… what are you… reading?’ Luke asked. ‘And… listening to?’

Rey gulped.

‘Nothing, really’ she said. ‘Notes… and stuff.’

‘No cycles?’ he asked and in that question – shy, unsure the same way as he entered the space of her room – something more was hidden.

‘No cycles’ she replied. ‘And I… I was listening to …Sade. _Paradise_ ’ Rey added and her voice suddenly cracked.

‘Partly… I’m glad I tried to learn some of that Kristeva stuff and I ended…’

Just now Rey looked at him – or rather, glanced at him with the corner of her eye. 

Luke was looking down, shifting, just fidgeting the same way Kylo’s spokesman did.

‘Honestly, I don’t understand a thing about this’ he said. ‘Cycles, intertexuality and so many things in French I can’t even pronounce correctly’ he laughed and right away stooped.

Chewie looked at Rey and she cleared her throat.

‘I mean… it’s hard’ she said shifting on the bed. ‘But I could try to… to expl –‘

Rey fell silent. Luke shifted.

Their eyes met; Luke held his breath.

‘What… what are you hidning behind… your back?’ Rey asked. ‘Why are –‘

‘Reymont –‘

‘Why are you here –‘

‘Rey –‘

Rey sat on the edge of her bed. Chewie was next to her and she held onto him.

‘Rey –‘

‘Tell me’ she said. She looked up and straight into his eyes. ‘Tell me.’

Now Luke gulped.

‘I have… something for you.’

He hesitantly came closer to her.

‘I honestly… have no idea how to start.’

Rey shook her head.

‘And you think I know how to start?’

Luke pursed his lips.

‘You’re right’ he whispered. He took a deep breath.

‘When… we were finalizing your… adoption…’ he began. ‘I –‘

Rey looked down for a moment.

‘They… really didn’t know who your parents were’ Luke said. ‘They tried to find out who… left you… but…’

Rey looked down.

‘We didn’t find… them. None of them. The mother, father… someone… only left a name and surname. That’s all. But they weren’t sure if those names were real.’

Rey held her chin up, feeling her body shiver; she blinked few times feeling tears in her eyes.

Luke’s face softened.

‘I’m sorry.’

She shrugged.

‘What can you say, it’s true’ she whispered.

‘But… it’s not what I wanted to talk about’ Luke said.

‘Then… what?’

Her hands shivered and only the heat radiating from Chewie’s body somehow were keeping her steady.

Luke came closer and closer.

‘Can I… sit next to you?’ he asked.

She was still for a moment and then nodded.

Her bed bent under the mass of another body.

‘When we took you… when I… took you… I wanted so much to give you my surname’ he heard. ‘To make you… my child. My daughter, Rey. I wanted to make you… mine.’

She again blinked, but one tear fell down her cheek.

‘But I couldn’t’ Luke’s voice was shaky, quiet, breaking. ‘I couldn’t do this to you. Not at expense of your own identity and your own decision.’

‘When… I was adopted by my father’s stepbrother… they didn’t change my name’ he added. ‘And even though… I could… I could easily say yes… I just knew you… were mine. You belong with us.’

‘But possession is not about appropriation’ he whispered. ‘I wanted to give you a choice, Rey, but… I never thought… you would want to take my surname in the end. Especially not after… what happened 8 years ago.’

Luke handed her something. Rey finally looked down.

A red file.

‘That’s for you’ he said.

Rey frowned.

‘I don’t understand’ she whispered and looked at him.

Luke smiled.

‘Open it.’

Rey blinked.

‘I…’

‘Reymont’ Luke’s voice was quiet, pleading. ‘…please.’

Rey held her breath.

‘I need you… to see this’ he said. ‘You… need to see this.’

She delicately took the folder from his hand; she saw his hands were shaking too.

Her finger went under the rubber of the file.

[ _one, two, three,_ Rey gathered her strength]

She opened the folder.

_No._

She blinked one, two, three, several times and finally let out the breath she was holding. She looked at Luke, dumbfounded, stunned, then again at the opened folder and then again at her adoptive father in growing disbelief.

She couldn’t believe it, _she couldn’t._

‘Yes, it’s true, Reymont’ Luke whispered.

She blinked, feeling tears in the corner of her eyes appearing, reappearing again and no, she wouldn’t stop them now.

‘I…’ her fingers brushed the slick surface of the document sleeve.

It was a drawing.

And it wasn’t just any kind of drawing.

It was _her_ drawing.

Her memory was relative. The memory of her childhood at least was. If linguistic relativity had some truth to it, Rey didn’t remember her childhood, because she lacked the language to describe it – and it was Hungarian. She was a different person, not just because she was a child – her whole perception of the world changed when Luke took her in and England became her home.

She had flashes of knowing – of familiarity, yes. She dreamt sometimes about Budapest and echoes of the world she used to know, but they were only echoes in the cave of her soul. She remembered words, but had no idea what they meant or even how to write them; she lacked something and this lack was a thick wall of memories she was supposed to forget, but she had no idea – the line between knowing, forgetting, and denial was indistinguishable. 

And yet, Rey knew – how, she had no idea, but she knew, the certainty of her assurance surprised her – that she was the one who drew this drawing, years, years ago with broken crayons in the common room of her children’s home in Budapest.

The paper got yellow a bit, after all those years – and Rey asked herself, how many did pass? She was five when Luke took her in. So probably 17-18 years. And he kept the drawing in a document sleeve, with additional thicker paper.

But why? Why would he keep it? Why would he keep it a secret? he kept her drawings in the files, now in his room, but those were the drawings she drew in Oxhead.

This drawing was special.

And when the shock started to recede, she gathered why.

Rey looked, she honed the wonky lines of child’s artistry. The green figure, the lines creating a big ball on top of it with a blue line of a visor. the thick line behind, curvy. Sun smiling at the blue clouds and last, but by no means least –

A very vague representation of a real F1 car in terms of realistic aerodynamics, but perfectly perfect to a child's vision.

Rey smiled.

_Luk Skaywelker, autóversenyző_

‘Luke Skywalker, racing driver’ Luke whispered.

Rey laughed quietly.

‘You… you…’ she turned to him.

Her father nodded.

‘You drew this’ he said.

‘I… I know’ she said.

‘You do remember?’

Rey gulped.

‘Flashes’ she whispered. ‘I know I did draw this and where, but… I just… know.’

Luke had tears in his eyes.

‘I know’ he replied. ‘That’s why I needed you to see this.’

‘I don’t under –‘

‘You were wrong… you were wrong, Reymont.’

Rey fell silent.

Luke laughed out loud and hid his face in his hands. Chewie moved to him and Rey reluctantly touched her father’s arm.

‘It’s… it’s okay’ she whispered.

‘No, Rey, it’s not’ Luke said, looking at her. ‘I kept it a secret. I thought… It wouldn’t make a difference. I thought about this a lot, that oh, this won’t make a difference.’

‘It did make a difference’ he shook his head.

Rey found his hand and squeezed it.

‘Rey… the truth is… you wanted to be a racing driver long before… I took you in’ Luke said. ‘Nuns said you were _crazy_ about races, you begged them, you had driven prioress insane with your impressions of V12s.’

‘You wanted to watch the races and actually once you changed the prayer to include me ‘ he said and laughed. ‘Actually it looks like you asked God to let me win the race.’

‘You would beg them to let you watch F1’ he added. ‘I was… I was your favorite.’

Rey’ stared at him.

‘Is that…’

‘True? _Yes._ ’

‘But –‘

‘I don’t know’ he said. He hid his face in Chewie’s fur. ‘I just… I liked that idea of you seeing me as more, an idol, maybe and I was an old fool.’

‘I was supposed to be your father’ he said. ‘You needed a father.’

Rey closed her eyes; tears fell down her face.

‘I want to be your father, Rey’ Luke interrupted. ‘I want to be for you. I want to make it clear. I want –‘

Rey closed the folder.

‘I’m… sorry. I just… I tried to protect you. The way I protected Ben – _Kylo_ – ‘

Rey gulped.

‘I didn’t’ he said. ‘I knew what you felt for each other and I don’t know what is now between you two… but I was so afraid of the consequences and the past… I didn’t see.. the future. Your future.’

‘And… maybe I was scared one day you can realize you don’t need me anymore’ he whispered.

She looked at him. She didn’t need to ask.

He read the question in her eyes.

‘I would only slow… slow you down.’

Rey shook her head.

‘Dad’ she said.

Luke looked at her bewildered.

‘Rey…mont?’

‘You would never slow me down’ she said .

‘But –‘

‘I don’t want to call you “uncle” anymore’ she said.

Luke nodded.

‘Yeah – yes.’

‘And you’re my dad’ she said.

Luke was crying.

‘Yes. I’m… I’m sorry for everything, Rey, I – I –‘

Rey hugged him.

‘I love you, dad’ she whispered. ‘I love you so… so much.’

Luke hugged her tighter.

‘I love you too, Rey’ he said and Rey knew he was smiling.

Because she was smiling as well – and for the first time, it wasn’t a Skywalkers’ sad smile.

But a genuinely happy one.

*******

_Make your move._

Kylo stood upright; he felt his face become a mask, all the feelings gone, buried deep down inside him, leaving him indifferent.

It was crucial, to devoid himself of any emotions, feeling –

of everything.

The airport was empty, even full of people.

‘ _Kylo._ ’

The low voice echoed in his ear.

‘I’ve just landed in Frankfurt’ Kylo said.

‘I don’t think you’re calling me to tell me you landed.’

The crowd around him blurred into the background of impressionistic artwork; the points of colours, the coincidental motion picture.

[the rain drops marked their way down the windows of the airport]

‘No’ Kylo muttered in Russian. ‘I’m not.’

‘Then why are you calling me?’

Kylo was silent.

[make your move, make your move]

‘I’m calling to say I worked Király out’ he said. ‘She will come with me to Mercedes's anniversary party. This weekend after the race.’

He had his hand so clenched it hurt him; and he waited, waited -

\- people passed him, but he really felt out of this place –

He had to lie with everything he was, with his voice, with his face, with his _soul_.

‘Do I need to know more?’

Kylo clenched his fists.

‘I think… we only need to show her what she can have’ he replied. ‘And no doubt she’s gonna leave Ferrari for us.’

_Silence._

Kylo forced, acted, he was calm.

He started to count –

– _один,_

_два,_

_три,_

_четыре –_

‘You seem confident.’

The coldness in Snokovich’s voice. The fact Kylo knew this statement was not a statement, but another bait. Snoke was careful about the way he was using is voice; and Kylo for the last 8 years learned to read true intentions beyond his tone.

It was not a statement; however, it wasn’t a question neither. It was nothing and everything at once - Snokovich’s speech was open to all of the interpretations and none of them was, like a metaphor, right or correct.

‘If confident is the right word, then yes. I’m… sure’ Kylo said.

‘I hope it’s not hubris then.’

Kylo closed his eyes.

‘I…’

It was this moment – just a split of the second and

a bait; a trap;

the split of the second; _a thump of a heart._

Kylo knew Snoke’s true intentions, but Snoke would know his too.

And he would know if Kylo is lying.

Kylo played a dangerous game.

And if he had nothing and couldn’t lie, he had to hide behind the truth.

_Zugzwang, zugzwang –_

[ _make your move, any move._ ]

‘Király and Skywalker had an argument’ he said.

He could say by the silence Snoke was either surprised or acted like he was.

So he stood still, face blank.

‘Argument?’

Kylo unclenched his fist.

‘Why won’t you ask Király yourself?’ he asked.

Snoke laughed.

‘Are you trying my patience, boy?’

Kylo shook his head.

‘Not at all’ he said. ‘I just think you will prefer to hear it from her, not me.’

Another pause, seconds of silence.

Kylo felt himself being so tense it started to hurt.

Snoke again laughed quietly.

‘I won’t ask you, but… ‘

‘… but?’

‘I assume there’s no correlation between this argument and you?’

Kylo was silent.

His heart wasn’t racing. It was beating slow, so slow.

He didn’t feel anything, only pure cold.

/He never thought that logic could be so coldly ruthless. /

And it was all he had now.

_I’m sorry, Rey,_ Kylo thought. _I’m sorry, Luke._

_I’m sorry, mom._

[but I will make it right]

‘And why there would be any correlation?’ Kylo asked. ‘I can assure you, it wasn’t… _my_ doing.’

He felt coffee bile rising in his throat.

Snoke sighed deeply.

‘Then… I can only say, I’m looking forward to meeting your… lovely cousin, boy.’

‘Of course’ Kylo replied tepidly.

Snokovich hung up.

Kylo closed his eyes, holding his breath.

He wanted to scream and throw his phone.

But he stood, stood still.

The world around him didn’t stop, people passed him. He could hear the announcements for flights and the talks in any given, known language creating a unique cacophony.

It was done then.

Who was he?

Just a pawn. Nothing more.

If he had to sacrifice himself, he would.

[ _Zugzwang_ , he thought.]

He made his move.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously, I couldn’t help it, Mando and Gorgu stole my heart and I KNEW I have to get them a small cameo in the story. I know this chapter is much more slow-paced than usual, but I felt this also mirrored Kylo’s and Rey’s reflections and mental states. I can’t say anything, but you know me. Something’s coming, y’all ;)
> 
> Well, if you’re an F1 fan, I can only say. Germany GP 2019. If you know, you know ;)
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it though, I wanted to write my own, F1-verse story of not only Reylo but Skywalkers. I needed this talk between Luke and Rey, because I really loved this idea of them realizing they are enough for each other. And I also love writing Kylo when he is aware of how he I wanted to make “Driven” a psychological study of Rey and Kylo, but also to create this world with real feelings and really just to do give them justice. I wrote a lot of books and 2 set in F1, one in MotoGP, but I can tell you, I really feel “Driven” is by far my best work. Plus, I would never say I would ever write such a long text in English, so wow! Bravo me!
> 
> Yeah, I am also reading too much about Kristeva, Jung and linguistic relativity lately.
> 
> "Solaris" next to "Jane Eyre" and "The Martian" is part of my Holy Trinity of books. I recommend it ;)
> 
> I’ll leave the F1-lingo for the next chapters and if you have any questions regarding F1, the motives etc write, I’ll reply :)
> 
> So guys, if you wanna follow me on Insta or tumblr, you can find me here ;)
> 
> https://www.instagram.com/agprosinska/  
> http://redbullmocktails.tumblr.com
> 
> I really hope you liked this chapter. It feels good to be back.
> 
> Stay safe, y’all. I’m sendin’ ya lots of hugs. 
> 
> See ya next chapter!


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